After Lois and Clark ended, Dean Cain had pretty much conquered television, doing as much or more than any actor could ever hope to do on the small screen. Having done so, he turned his attention to the direct-to-DVD market, to take it over in a similar way. What happened instead was Boa, a film about a giant snake in Antarctica. A Top Nine list is just stupid, so consider Boa filler.
9. Anacondas: The Hunt For the Blood Orchid
It should really be called, Hunt For a Snake Orgy, because after seeing that trailer in the theater, that's all I could think about. "You mean there's some kind of snake orgy in the jungle?" That's the line. We've all seen some pretty weird stuff on the information superhighway (AKA the Internet), but before Blood Orchid, could any of us claim to have seen a writhing ball of snakes nooking on each other? No, no we could not. Thank you, Anacondas: The Hunt For the Blood Orchid. You are nothing if not educational.
8. Conan the Barbarian
The giant snake that Arnold wrestles (homoerotic imagery, anyone?) is only the second scariest thing about this movie. The first scariest is James Earl Jones' haircut. He looks like Bettie Page, and that is frightening beyond belief. Conan isn't fully about snakes, but the scene with the giant serpent is so striking we had to put it on the list. Next up: Top Ten Scariest Movie Haircuts. Joe Dirt, we're comin' for ya!
7. Boogie Nights
I mean, that thing is enormous.
6. Boa vs. Python
It may be difficult for some to get past the fact that former Playmate Angel Boris spends the early portion of this movie wandering around topless. Once you do get past the nudity, though, you'll realize there is even more to this kick-ass movie. Not one, but two, enormous snakes are set loose… the first escapes and the second is sent in to attack it. Brilliant! Even more brilliant is the fact that when they get together, they screw snake-style. What is it about snake sex that's so damn alluring?
5. Python
Yes, Jenny McCarthy is in this movie. Yes, Wil Wheaton is in this movie. Yes, it is the #5 snake movie of all time. If you've seen a SCI FI Channel Original movie recently, you know exactly what you're in for: an enormous monster of a snake on a rampage to spill human blood. Just rent it.
4. King Kong (1933)
The T-Rex fight from Peter Jackson's Kong update was cool, but nothing really beats Kong duking it out with a snake in the 1933 joint. For one thing, the serpent was as big as Kong. For another, it had the sack to attack a giant ape. Go Skull Island Snake! You don't get nearly enough props.
3. Snakes on a Plane
On hype alone, we are declaring this the #3 snake movie of all time. Even if it is a steaming pile of festering reptile leavings, it has garnered more attention than any snake-related film in history. Also, it has Samuel L. Jackson going for it, and 300+ species of snakes, and a plane. If there was also a snake orgy in this movie, it might have made #2.
2. Raiders of the Lost Ark
Raiders is another entry that isn't a full movie about snakes, but the scene involving Indy and the cobras is so amazing, it makes up for the fact that the film isn't named Raiders of the Deadliest Effin' Snakes on the Planet. That is a stupid title, anyway, and it would mean that the film would have less Nazis in it. We all like to see Nazis bite the big one.
1. Anaconda
If you don't like this movie, you're an idiot. The following elements should have gotten it considered for an Academy Award:
1) John Voight's accent.
2) The Ice Cube line, "They got snakes this big?"
3) Jennifer Lopez's booty… in its prime.
4) The supporting cast: Owen Wilson, Eric Stoltz, Kari Wuhrer.
5) Freaking Danny Trejo getting smoked first.
6) The final death scene… classic.
Many try to claim that this movie is a guilty pleasure. Eff that ess. This is a solid action movie with a great cast and tight writing. It does exactly what it sets out to do, and is more entertaining than much of the Hollywood claptrap released to the masses.
