There has been a lot written about the Nolans’ so-called reunion and how Bernie’s death has brought us together again.
I hate to be the one to spoil that particular fairytale but it’s not entirely true and as the agony aunt for the Daily Mirror, I refuse to lie – the sad truth is sometimes family bonds that have been bitterly broken just cannot be fixed.
When Bernie was ill Denise and I both did our best to come to an uneasy truce. But once Bernie had died the truce appeared to be over.
I hoped we could move on but soon after, she wrote on her website that she doubts we can ever be friends and, sadly, that’s the truth.
Relations started to get frosty between myself, Anne and Denise in 2006 when I was commuting up and down to London to do Loose Women. Anne offered to help Ray look after our daughter Ciara and they ended up having a row.
Ray had been helping Anne’s daughters get into showbusiness but when they decided to give up their ambitions and take nine to five jobs, he couldn’t hide his disappointment.
The following night I got a text from Denise asking if I wanted to go to a girlie night with my sisters. When I said it was probably better to let the dust settle first, she started sending me angry texts. Things got nasty quickly and I was genuinely shocked at how fast something so small could escalate to full-on families at war.
But it wasn’t until we were offered the Nolans comeback tour in 2009 that things reached a point of no return.
Universal were adamant they only wanted four sisters on stage after looking at who had been in the line-up during the band’s most successful period. It meant Anne wasn’t included.
By 2009 she hadn’t worked in showbiz for a long time so although we were disappointed for her we hoped she would understand. Myself and Bernie tried to reason with Universal and begged for the bosses there to reverse their decision but the offer was for the four of us only.
The split lasted until Bernie’s dying day when we all comforted each other but it was at her funeral that Ray, Anne and I finally made up properly.
I was standing with Ray at the tiny theatre bar when Anne walked in. There was no avoiding it – she had to push past Ray to get through and, suddenly, all the years of animosity and resentment were washed away.
“Hello, you,” he said, and hugged her. She hugged him back and burst into tears. Before long all three of us were bawling.
When we went into Blackpool Grand Theatre, where the service was held, I spotted Denise at the front next to Anne. We hadn’t spoken when Bernie died and she was weeping quietly, her hands held to her face.
I walked over, put my arms around her and we hugged. It seemed like the natural thing to do.
But despite that raw moment of united grief, we never truly re-established our relationship.
I believe Denise continues to resent the success I’ve worked hard to achieve away from the band and I’m not sure how we can get over that. I could never invite her to my house in Cheshire because I know she wouldn’t be happy for me. I’m fed up feeling guilty for what I’ve earned for my own family to enjoy.
People say that life’s too short to spend it squabbling with those you love. It is – Bernie taught us this. But it’s also too short to spend your life being made to feel sad or guilty by somebody who supposedly loves you. I’m not going to do it any more and I feel that chapter is finally closed.
On a happier note, Anne and I have kissed and made up. A week after Bernie’s send-off she came to the house for the first time ever. It was lovely to see her sitting in my kitchen drinking tea and it felt entirely natural. We slipped back into being sisters again without any difficulty.
We have been asked about touring again and finishing the tour we had to cancel because Bernie fell ill. They say they could make it work so she would appear via holograms and be with us once more. The thought of seeing my sister, singing again with her glorious voice, is something that makes me feel almost too overwhelmed to imagine, but it still feels too soon.
Perhaps in the future it might feel right but there will always be the danger that another tour would stir up all the old rows over whether Anne should be involved. Now I’ve made up with her I’d hate to fall out again so it’s not something we are ready to discuss.
They say anger is part of the grieving process and since Bernie’s death I have felt angry. Over and over again I kept comparing Bernie’s surgery against Linda’s. When Linda was diagnosed she had a full mastectomy, followed by chemotherapy. Nothing was left.
With Bernie, she was given chemo first and then the mastectomy followed. When her cancer returned none of us could understand what happened.
There’s a massive part of me that still wants an explanation from those doctors. Bernie went from being in full remission to suddenly having it back again worse than ever. How could they have been so wrong and why was her treatment so different from our surviving sister’s?
Amid the anger, I remembered Bernie telling me to cry when she was gone – but to get on with my life. Two months after we lost her I got an offer I couldn’t turn down, asking me if I’d be interested in returning to Loose Women.
ITV had asked me and Kaye Adams back at the same time. I’ve always thought Kaye is a brilliant presenter and we’ve always been great friends. The idea of returning with her was irresistible.
But the biggest reason behind my return was Bernie. I could hear her voice telling me to get back to work.
She had such an amazing work ethic. She was performing flat-out even when she knew she was dying. I could hear her saying, ‘Life bloody goes on. Get back out there and do what you do.’
Bernie’s death has changed the way I think about so many things. Mostly it has shown me the importance of love and family.
There have been too many rifts in the Nolan family, too many wasted years filled with bickering and cold silences.
Grief is so hard to endure. Wherever I go, people still say how sorry they are about Bernie and ask me questions about her.
Bernie’s husband Steve is finding it difficult. Linda and our brother Brian – who lost his wife Linzie just two years into their marriage – are perhaps the only ones who really know how he feels. My heart bleeds for him, he loved my sister so much – they were truly made to be together for ever.
When I really need to see and feel Bernie near me I watch our I’m In the Mood Again tour DVD from 2009.
There’s Bernie, belting out her songs, putting us all to shame with her amazing vocals. I’m so glad that was captured on film as she will shimmer for ever just as she was and I can see her any time I need it. It could never be the same as having her here but my God it helps.
Losing Bernie has affected us all in very different ways. We’ve learned so much and we miss her every moment of every day. For me, her death was a ground-shaking, heart-stopping confirmation that life is for living and families are for loving. And for that, my beautiful Bernie, I will always be grateful.
- Adapted by Grace MacAskill. No Regrets by Coleen Nolan (Penguin, Michael Joseph) is published on Thursday, priced at £16.99.