UNMASKING Navigating Blind Spots and Embracing Authenticity

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When Scott was growing up, his father wasn’t around to give him any kind of a model of what it meant to be an available dad. He learned to show his love to his young children the only way he knew how – by working hard and providing financially for his family. When his two boys were young, he was working ninety hours a week building his real estate company.

When his kids were preschoolers, he embarked on his own personal development journey, the journey to a better, more authentic relationship with himself. This path awakened his desire to be a better person and a better father. While he was available much more than his own father was, as his sons grew older, he still struggled, like many men, to bond and connect with his boys. By the time his oldest son turned fourteen, they were both absorbed in their respective busy lives – Scott at work and his son a high-level hockey player.

The pain of their lack of connection led Scott to unmask his facade and write his son a letter. He was becoming increasingly frustrated with the response “good,” or “okay,” whenever he asked his son how he was. And Scott had enough self-awareness to recognize his part of contributing to the wall between them. Writing was a tool that he had used in the past to communicate difficult stuff with people he cared about. It turned out to be a long letter, and within it he wrote, “…My biggest challenge… is connecting with you, [son]. This is entirely on me. I was very young when you were born and I was working really hard on growing my business because I was terrified that if I didn’t grow a great business, I couldn’t provide a good life for you, your brother, and your mom. I grew up in financial struggle and to me, nothing was more important than financial survival. I also didn’t have a role model of how to be a good dad because mine wasn’t around (that wasn’t his fault either) and so I really didn’t know how to bond and connect with you. Your mom was doing such a great job that I thought that base was covered, and I didn’t realize it was also my job. Then over time as you got older, it became harder for you and I to talk or to even give a hug or say hi. I realized the consequences of my ignorance as a young dad, and it hurts me deeply that I haven’t earned your trust to let me inside your mind and your heart. Now I’m working overtime trying to figure out how to earn that from you…”

After reading the letter, his son responded the best way he knew how – to come over to the couch and sit quietly beside his dad. He didn’t say a thing. He didn’t have to. But you knew that this moment was a new beginning.

Embracing authenticity by unmasking, and navigating blind spots can take many forms and can be expressed in a myriad of ways. Sometimes it means being courageous and vulnerable with the people around us, opening up to what’s truly in your heart. Sometimes it starts by simply acknowledging our masks. For others, it’s about aligning your actions with your values and beliefs. Authenticity can be expressed through empathy and genuine curiosity. It can mean seeking honest feedback or devoting yourself to studying and understanding yourself so you can become the best version of yourself. For some, authenticity is about having the courage to put down an addiction, asking for help, leaving a career with a secure income that is no longer satisfying or stepping into a life-long dream you’ve procrastinated starting.

Three keys to unmasking, navigating blind spots, and embracing self-awareness and authenticity:

  1. Acknowledge when a change is needed. The time for change can come to you in a variety of ways. It can come when you start feeling tired most of the time. It can come when you start realizing that your work is no longer bringing you joy. It can come when a relationship starts feeling “empty” and in need of new energy. Or when you aren’t getting the required engagement from your team. Authenticity means leaning into the discomfort, listening carefully to it, and courageously taking action to do something different.
  2. Find an ally, a trusted confidant. Navigating blind spots and embracing self-awareness requires some outside perspective and support. Finding an ally might mean starting with your existing circle of friends and thinking about one person you would like to start opening up with. It might mean reaching out to a coach or therapist. A confidant is someone you don’t just vent to, but someone who will support and hold you accountable to be true to yourself.
  3. Practice incremental honesty. While clarity, courage, and vulnerability can begin transforming family and team dynamics, old, familiar patterns are difficult to change. Patience and grace are required on the journey back to your true self. When it comes to personal and relationship changes, remember: slow progress is better than fast regression.

Was wanting to be a leader something you envisioned for yourself?

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The best leaders don’t necessarily seek leadership. They seek to make a difference. They are committed to fostering growth on their team and building capacity in others. Their motive to earn a title is service, not increased power, recognition, financial gain, or using organizational politics to further personal agendas.

We must stop using promotions as the only path to getting a raise. Let’s be sure we pay people on the value they bring, not on the position they hold.

It’s crucial to examine motives for seeking leadership and uncover them before you promote anyone. The reasons for wanting to be a leader will tell you a great deal about the person you are planning to promote. The most impactful leaders are those who are motivated by a sense of purpose and a genuine desire to contribute to something larger than themselves.

What portion of your day is spent intentionally connecting with your team?

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Why it matters and how to make it part of your routine in a meaningful way.

I’m usually very reluctant to reach out spontaneously to my teams – my work team and the one I chair in my non-profit world. I score high on the introvert scale, so it isn’t easy to initiate conversations. I also don’t like to interrupt people and intrude on their time.

But when I don’t reach out enough I know it can be interpreted as a lack of caring – which is the furthest thing from the truth.

Both teams under my care are remote teams, so to reach out regularly means phone calls or virtual conversations. What’s important is that I take the time to understand what the expectations are and to sincerely make the effort to reach out more often. My teams need to know I care about their work and more importantly, they need to know that I care about them as people.

How that gets expressed is dependent on individual needs, personalities, and preferred styles of communication.

Good leadership requires good boundaries.

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I used to think that a good leader put everyone and everything else above themself. Now I know that good leadership is about balance between attending to our own needs and those of the people we serve. And to serve well, service must come from overflow, not from emptiness.

Leadership flows from our well-being.

I was inspired this week by the signature on the bottom of a client’s email:
Please allow for 24-48 hours for all email responses
My working hours may not be your working hours. Please do not feel you need to reply outside of your normal work schedule.

I don’t respect myself when I don’t have good boundaries. And I don’t respect others who don’t have good boundaries. I can’t trust your yes if you don’t know how to say no.

As we wrestle with this, consider:

  1. Time boundaries – Clear working hours and protection of personal time
  2. Physical boundaries – Defining personal space in the workplace
  3. Emotional boundaries – Managing emotional involvement with team members
  4. Big Rock boundaries – Defined focused time on tasks that matter most
  5. Technology boundaries – Distinct times where you turn off devices
  6. Personal boundaries – Maintaining healthy self-care practices

The relationship between accountability and grace – when to hold the line and when to let it go

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When our daughter was a teenager she asked to change her curfew for a special event. We wrestled with the decision as she took the time to build her case. We eventually changed the curfew, and to this day I don’t know if it was the right decision. Often there is no “right” decision, but going through the struggle of the decision gave our daughter a clear message -that we care.

If you are blindly pleasing people or thoughtlessly and continuously coming down on people, you likely aren’t building a high trust culture. Sometimes you simply don’t know when to hold the line and when to let it go. But if you are invested in the struggle, people will know you care and will lean into trusting you – and you will ultimately get the desired results from your people.

A Token Of Appreciation

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After my webinar on Psychological Safety this past week, I had a great conversation with Marg, my VP of Client Care. We reminisced about when she was the Senior Manager of Learning and Development at Lilydale and I consulted on some projects there. Lilydale was established over 75 years ago as an Alberta Farmers’ cooperative and today is a proud member of the Sofina Foods family. It always promised to provide Canadians with great tasting and high-quality Canadian poultry products as it built an incredible culture with some incredible leaders.

One of the great tools they used for building and reinforcing their culture was a Token of Appreciation. You were encouraged to give this token to anyone you sincerely appreciated. It was a coin, along with a little poem, to remind them not to take each other for granted and to continue strengthening the muscle of expressing gratitude.

I’ve learned that this kind of tool has to be built on sincere, honest, and caring relationships – which were evident at Lilydale. No tool can compensate for failure to connect.