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'''[[w:Jeff Dunham|Jeff Dunham]]''' is a ventriloquist and stand-up comedian. He has performed on numerous comedy shows including Comedy Central Presents in 2003. |
'''[[w:Jeff Dunham|Jeff Dunham]]''' is a ventriloquist and stand-up comedian. He has performed on numerous comedy shows, including Comedy Central Presents in 2003. He has released two DVDs: ''Arguing With Myself'', released in April 2006, and ''Spark of Insanity'', released in September 2007. A third, ''Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special'', will be in November 2008. |
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Some of his usual puppets include a woozle named Peanut, a bitter old man named Walter, and José Jalapeño, a talking jalapeño pepper on a stick. In performances, Jeff plays the straight-man, opposite his various puppets' personalities. |
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== Arguing With Myself == |
== Arguing With Myself == |
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:'''Jeff:''' So, your wife's in town? |
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=== Walter === |
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:'''Walter:''' Yeah. |
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*''[The audience cheers as Jeff pulls out Walter from the box. Long pause.]''<br>'''Walter:''' Shut the hell up! Duuuuuhhhhh!<br>'''Jeff:''' Are you happy to be here?<br>'''Walter:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, overjoyed! Last week, I was lying on the beach in Maui and I couldn't decide: "Sheesh, should I stay in Hawaii or go to frickin' Santa Ana?" My god, I could die happy now!<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' It's a fine city.<br>'''Walter:''' I don't give a damn. Duuuuuhhhhh!<br>'''Jeff:''' What's wrong with you?<br>'''Walter:''' I dunno, it's hot as hell outside, my skin's all dry and itchy, you put me in a sweater... Sure as I'm not gonna ask you for a lotion. Duuuuuhhhhh!<br>'''Jeff:''' You don't have to do this.<br>'''Walter:''' I could get a real job.<br>'''Jeff:''' What would you do?<br>'''Walter:''' I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart. ''[audience laughter]'' What the hell's so funny?<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?<br>'''Walter:''' Oh, ahem! "Welcome to Wal-Mart; get your shit and get out! ''[pleasantly]'' Have a nice day!"<br>'''Jeff:''' Anything else wrong?<br>'''Walter:''' I don't know, my wife and I couldn't find anywhere to park in this stinking joint. Some jerk pulled up in a brand new Mercedes right in the handicapped spot, gets out of the car and there's nothing wrong with him! Don't you hate that?<br>'''Crowd:''' Yeah!<br>'''Walter:''' So I ran his ass over! I made an honest man out of him. Then, his mother came out swinging her crutches at me. Took her out with the door!<br>'''Jeff:''' Don't ya feel kind of bad?<br>'''Walter:''' Oh, hell, they can carpool!<br>'''Jeff:''' Good thing the police didn't see you?<br>'''Walter:''' Oh I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen any of these guys? You know, cops riding bicycles?<br>'''Jeff:''' What's wrong with that?<br>'''Walter:''' How intimidating is this: "All right, buddy, pull it over! ''ching ching, ching ching!''" What happens when they arrest somebody? "All right, in the basket!"<br>''[Cut to a TV room where Sweet Daddy D is with two girls.]''<br>'''Sweet Daddy D:''' Yes, ladies, I wrote that joke.<br>''[Cut back to Walter and Jeff.]''<br>'''Walter:''' Yeah, you tell the rookie cops they got playing cards in their spokes! "HALT!" Digadigadigaidgdigadigadigadig! Duuuuuhhhhh!<br>'''Jeff:''' So, your wife's in town?<br>'''Walter:''' Yeah.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Is she having a good time here?<br>'''Walter:''' She is always having a good time.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Oh, good.<br>'''Walter:''' Pisses me off....<br>'''Jeff:''' She's a lovely lady.<br>'''Walter:''' She gettin' old!<br>'''Jeff:''' Women age like, like fine wine.<br>'''Walter:''' ''[referring to his own wife]'' She's aging like ''milk''.<br> '''Jeff:''' Did you get into another argument this morning?<br>'''Walter:''' Yep.<br>'''Jeff:''' What happened?<br>'''Walter:''' Well, she rolled out of bed and got on her menstrual cycle and ran my ass over.<br>'''Jeff:''' Never heard of it quite like it before.<br>'''Walter:''' It's even got its own sound: nag nag nag nag nag nag biiiiiitch bitch biiiiitch!<br>'''Jeff:''' So how long have you and your wife been together?<br>'''Walter:''' Uh, let's see, forty-six years.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' And what was the happiest time in your life?<br>'''Walter:''' Forty-''seven'' years ago! How long've you been married?<br>'''Jeff:''' Fifteen years.<br>'''Walter:''' You'll see. <br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' See what?<br>'''Walter:''' Remember when you said, "Till death do us part"?<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Yeah.<br>'''Walter:''' Later you'll realize you were actually setting a ''goal''.<br>'''Jeff:''' What is marriage like to you?<br>'''Walter:''' Like drinking a Slurpee! First couple of sips, it's like "Boy, it's really good, I'm glad I did this!". Keep drinking it, it goes to your head and ya go: "OW OW OWWWWW!! '''WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?! SOMEONE KILL ME PLEASE!!!'''<br>'''Jeff:''' So it stops hurting?<br>'''Walter:''' Yeah, and then you're dumb enough to take another fricking sip! Ain't the same feeling thing. Being married all these years, and you can't look at other women, and you can't talk to them and you can't do nothing about it!<br>'''Jeff:''' What're you talking about?<br>'''Walter:''' You'll know what I'm talking about: See this lovely young lady sitting right here in the front row? Thing gorgeous young thing? Do ya see her? Do ya see her? Oh well! Only thing you can do now is run to your chain and bark! Being married is like buying a new car.<br>'''Jeff:''' A new car.<br>'''Walter:''' When you see that car in your room, just before you take it home? That's as good as it's gonna look! Pretty soon it'll have hits and scratches and par sarticle lead and then new models come out and you're like "oh oh ohhhhh! Honey, can I just sit in it?" So remember: Huh huh! ''[scretches]''<br>'''Jeff:''' How's the love life?<br>'''Walter:''' You mean sex? I'm married, you idiot! I'm too old too!<br>'''Jeff:''' No you're not!<br>'''Walter:''' How?<br>'''Jeff:''' I have grandparents well into their 80's, still having fun!<br>'''Walter:''' Their 80's? Good god! What the hell kind of sex is that? "Is it good for you?" "Can't remember!" "We just finished it! Who are you?"<br>'''Jeff:''' Are you telling me that nothing's going on between you and your wife?<br>'''Walter:''' ''[slightly sad]'' It's difficult: She grates about everything. She said I don't make noises during sex.<br>'''Jeff:''' Sorry to hear that.<br>'''Walter:''' Wanna hear about what I do.<br>'''Jeff:''' No.<br>'''Walter:''' You talked me into it. These are gonna be pornographic. ''[monotone:]'' GET OFF. I CAN'T SEE THE WEATHER CHANNEL! GET THE HELL OFF! ''[Cut to Sweet Daddy and his girls.]''<br>'''Sweet Daddy D:''' That's funny! Oh, no it's not. ''[Cut back.]''<br>'''Jeff:''' Walter, you know better than I do, is there any kind of fore-play for you two?<br>'''Walter:''' Fore-play? At our age: yeah, down to "Hey! Wake up." You know what oral sex is for us? She screams "Screw you!" and I yell "BITE ME!!"<br>'''Jeff:''' Come on, how do you keep things fresh in the bedroom?<br>'''Walter:''' Febreeze!! My wife told me coffee's good for your sex life. <br>'''Jeff:''' Is it?<br>'''Walter:''' No. It kept me awake for the whole damn thing! I had to participate! Doc said it's bad for the heart too.<br>'''Jeff:''' The coffee?<br>'''Walter:''' Seeing my wife naked! ''[crowd laughs]''<br>'''Jeff:''' That's awful!<br>'''Walter:''' You've seen her too?<br>'''Jeff:''' No! So, is coffee good for you or not?<br>'''Walter:''' No, they won't let us back in Starbucks again. Well we used a filter!<br>'''Jeff:''' What's that? You know Walter, you were quite a ladies' man!<br>'''Walter:''' I used to chase skirts all over the earth til I got to Scotland! Man was I surprised!<br>'''Jeff:''' There's women everywhere!<br>'''Walter:''' I dated a girl in India. Lovely young lady! Weird-ass country!<br>'''Jeff:''' Mostly India.<br>'''Walter:''' Most women got a red dot in the middle of their forehead. What the hell is that: YOU ARE HERE. ''[stares at the audience flatly]'' Anything lights up when the coffee's ready. Scratch it off you fricking wind-something.<br>''[Walter and Jeff argue inaudible.]''<br>'''Walter:''' How 'bout "HEY, IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S VIDEOTAPING ME ALL THE TIME!!!"<br>''[audience cheers/laughs]''<br>'''Jeff:''' Everybody here tonight has given the opportunity to ask you a question. Before the show started, I grabbed a small handful, I think you should answer them.<br>'''Walter:''' I don't give a damn. ''[to a man in a blue shirt]'' You in the front row, ya fill one out? HELLO! DID YOU FILL... ONE OUT? ''[to a man walking away]'' Where are you going?! Sit the hell down! ''[no response]'' You bastard! This is TV! What the hell! Is he going to take a piss?<br>'''Jeff:''' I dunno.<br>'''Walter:''' These are extensive tickets, extensive set-up! Lot of production! Swallowed up for three minutes and he's gonna take a $300 piss! Dumbass! Is he coming back? Okay. We'll wait.<br>''Extremely long pause, Walter remains staring flatly at the doors.''<br>'''Walter:''' What's that guy's first name?<br>'''Woman:''' Mike!<br>'''Walter:''' Mike. Dumbass. Are the speakers up in the bathroom? Oh, Miiiiike! We're waiting for you Mike! Kind of tough to go without any pressure isn't it Mike? Mike! Get OUUUUT! Mike's taking a long time! Could be having trouble. What does he do for a living?<br>'''Woman:''' Transportation!<br>'''Walter:''' He does transportation? What the hell does that mean?<br>'''Woman:''' ''Medical'' transportation.<br>'''Walter:''' Medical transportation? What the fuck is that? ''[audience cheers as Mike returns]'' Welcome back, dumbass! Mike, could ya hear us in there? |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' Is she having a good time here? |
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:'''Walter:''' She is always having a good time. |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' Oh, good. |
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:'''Walter:''' Pisses me off.... |
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:'''Jeff:''' She's a lovely lady. |
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:'''Walter:''' She gettin' old! |
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:'''Jeff:''' Women age like, like fine wine. |
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:'''Walter:''' ''[referring to his own wife]'' She's aging like ''milk''. |
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<hr width="50%"/> |
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=== Sweet Daddy Dee === |
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:'''Jeff:''' So how long have you and your wife been together? |
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*'''Sweet Daddy Dee:''' I'm what you call a Playa In a Management Profession. P.I.M.P. |
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:'''Walter:''' Uh, let's see, forty-six years. |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' And what was the happiest time in your life? |
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:'''Walter:''' Forty-''seven'' years ago! How long've you been married? |
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:'''Jeff:''' Fifteen years. |
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:'''Walter:''' You'll see. |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' See what? |
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:'''Walter:''' Remember when you said, "Till death do us part"? |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' Yeah. |
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:'''Walter:''' Later you'll realize you were actually setting a ''goal''. |
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<hr width="50%"/> |
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*'''Sweet Daddy Dee:''' Word.<br>'''Jeff:''' What word?<br>'''Sweet Daddy Dee:''' What?<br>'''Jeff:''' You said "word".<br>'''Sweet Daddy:''' Word.<br>'''Jeff:''' What word?<br>'''Sweet Daddy:''' Ah snap! What the hell? Word is like: I heard that!<br>'''Jeff:''' Heard what?<br>'''Sweet Daddy:''' Oh shit! |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' ''[trying to convince Peanut what a great city Santa Ana is]'' There's a lot of ''history'' in this city. |
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:'''Peanut:''' ''[as he moves an arm as if to point at imaginary words]'' Translated: ''Old, as, shit!'' |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' They've been rejuvenating, refurbishing- |
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:'''Peanut:''' Polish a turd, it's ''still'' a turd! |
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<hr width="50%"/> |
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*'''Sweet Daddy Dee:''' ''[addressing Jeff]'' You're not white, you're NEON white! |
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:''[Peanut and Jose speak to each other in Spanish.]'' |
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:'''Jeff:''' What're you doing? |
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:'''Peanut:''' A-speaking in Jose's tongue! |
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:'''Jeff:''' Well don't do that. |
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:'''Peanut:''' Why not? |
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:'''Jeff:''' It makes me feel left out. |
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:'''Peanut:''' Huh?! |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' I don't speak Spanish! |
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:''[Peanut and Jose look at him, then Jose turns from Jeff singing the famous tune from ''The Twilight Zone'']'' |
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:'''Peanut:''' "Picture if you will..." |
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<hr width="50%"/> |
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*'''Sweet Daddy Dee:''' We black folks got a saying.<br>'''Jeff:''' What is that?<br>'''Sweet Daddy Dee:''' Stay black. My advice to you: Stay white! And as for my Mexican brothers and sisters, learn English, mothafuckas, how 'bout dat?! |
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:''[Jeff almost drops Jose Jalapeño On a Stick.]'' |
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:'''Peanut:''' Woah! I thought you were gonna drop him. That would've been...funny as hell! |
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*'''Sweet Daddy Dee:''' Is there one other brother in the house tonight? ''[Turns to a black man in the audience]'' Oh! Yo, dawg; ''RUN!'' |
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:'''Jose:''' Do not drop me, señor. |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' I won't drop you, Jose. |
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*'''Sweet Daddy Dee:''' I'm like coffee.<br>'''Jeff:''' Why?<br>'''Sweet Daddy Dee:''' Before you get to taste my black goodness, I have to go through a big-ass white filter! |
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:'''Jose:''' Because then I would be Jose Jalapeño on the floor. |
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:'''Peanut:''' Do a little tap dance and we've got salsa. |
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=== Bubba J. === |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' That's terrible! |
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*'''Jeff Dunham:''' Bubba J., do you worry about your liver?<br>'''Bubba J.:''' Naw. During my last abduction, the aliens took it. |
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:'''Peanut:''' Not with the right kind of chips, it's not! |
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*'''Jeff Dunham:''' Do you drink and drive?<br>'''Bubba J.:''' No officer. Heh heh. I was just practicing. |
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*'''Jeff Dunham:''' Do you have a drinking problem?<br>'''Bubba J.:''' Nah, I have it pretty much figured out.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' What's your favorite beer?<br>'''Bubba J.:''' An ''open'' one.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' How do you know when you drink too much?<br>'''Bubba J.:''' I run out.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Have you ever been to an AA meeting?<br>'''Bubba J.:''' AA is for QUITTERS!!''' |
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=== Peanut === |
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'''Before Jose Jalapeno:''' |
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* '''Jeff Dunham:''' The drive from the valley?<br>'''Peanut:''' Was ''bad'' as ''Hell!''<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Traffic?<br>'''Peanut:''' ''Sucked'' like ''Hell!''<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' The drivers were?<br>'''Peanut:''' ''Angry'' as ''Hell!''<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' And you?<br>'''Peanut:''' ''Were scared'' as ''Hell!''<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Parking?<br>'''Peanut:''' Sucked ''more'' like Hell!<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' So?<br>'''Peanut:''' We're in Hell! And these are our Hellmates. Just think about it: The next time someone tells you to go to Hell, come right here!<br>'''Jeff:''' Where are we?<br>'''Peanut:''' '''I DON'T KNOW!!!!''' Help me out, ''help me out!'' Sorry!<br>'''Jeff:''' I wrote it down for you.<br>'''Peanut:''' Oh good! Ah, yes. I love coming through... ''[reads]'' Sah-Nahtah-A-Na. ''[looks at Jeff, then at the paper]'' What the hell is that? Sah-Nahtah-A-Na. What is that, frickin' Indian or something like that, what the hell... "Sah-NahTah-A-Na...How."<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' It's "Santa Ana".<br>''[Peanut looks at the paper, then at Jeff]''<br>'''Peanut:''' Look, I know I didn't finish school but that frickin' says "''Sah nahtah ah nah!''" Dumbass! ''[pause] I will never blink!''<br>'''Jeff:''' They pronounce it Santa Ana.<br>'''Peanut:''' WELL THEY'RE ''WRONG''!! Sah nahtah ah nah! Sah nahtah ah nah! Sah nahtah ''[ends up making gibberish noises]''<br>'''Jeff:''' It's Santa Ana.<br>'''Peanut:''' Are you sure?!<br>'''Jeff:''' Yes!<br>'''Peanut:''' OKAY! ''Okay!'' ''[he stares at the audience flatly]''<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Are you happy to be here?<br>'''Peanut:''' Oh yes I am. Just last week, I was lying in bed and I woke up sobbing, "I will never be happy until we return to Sah-Nahtah-A-Na." And now we're here! Thank you for bringing me!<br>'''Jeff:''' It's a fine city.<br>'''Peanut:''' Okay!<br>'''Jeff:''' Fine theater.<br>'''Peanut:''' Okay!<br>'''Jeff:''' This town is great.<br>'''Peanut:''' ''Have you looked around???'' Holy crap! It SUCKS!<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' ''[trying to convince Peanut what a great city Santa Ana is]'' There's a lot of ''history'' in this city.<br>'''Peanut:''' ''[as he moves an arm as if to point at imaginary words]'' Translated: ''Old, as, shit!''<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' They've been rejuvenating, refurbishing-<br>'''Peanut:''' Polish a turd, it's ''still'' a turd! |
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'''After Jose Jalapeno:''' |
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*'''Peanut:''' ''[exaggerated Japanese accent]'' Oooooh, A-that's a Jose A-jalapeno on a Stick-awooooo!<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' What are you doing?<br>'''Peanut:''' Oh-a, speakin'-a a-Japanese!<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' You don't know Japanese.<br>'''Peanut:''' Yeah, I do; Toyota. ''[Pause]'' Oh, ''Godzilla!''<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' That's not right.<br>'''Peanut:''' Oh, you're right; it'd be... ''[Opens and closes mouth several times; nothing comes out until it stops]'' ''Godzilla!'' ''[he laughs and kisses Jeff, he pushes him out of the way]''<br>'''Jeff:''' Stop it! What is wrong with you?!<br>'''Peanut:''' Too much Starbucks! Coffee, coffee, coffee! ''[he shivers slightly]''<br>'''Jeff:''' You didn't have coffee before the show.<br>'''Peanut:''' Okay, I admit. It was crack!<br>'''Jeff:''' You didn't do crack.<br> |
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=== Jose Jalapeño On a Stick === |
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*'''Peanut:''' Tell 'em who you are.<br>'''Jalapeno:''' I'm the Jalapeno on the Stick.<br>'''Peanut:''' ''[laughs]'' That's our Jalapeno on a stick?<br>'''Jalapeno:''' Si.<br>'''Jeff:''' Tell them your name.<br>'''Jalapeno:''' My name Jose.<br>'''Peanut:''' Jose what?<br>'''Jose Jalapeno:''' Jose Jalapeno... ON A STEEK!<br>'''Peanut:''' You're Mexican?<br>'''Jose:''' No, Senor, Mexicans are from Mexico. I am Cuban! I'm from Florida. ''[Jeff and Peanut look at each other, puzzled.]''<br>'''Jeff:''' Did you have a good day today?<br>'''Peanut:''' Yes, we had a great day!<br>'''Jose:''' No, we did not!<br>'''Peanut:''' Yes!<br>'''Jose:''' No!<br>'''Peanut:''' Yes!<br>'''Jose:''' No, we did not have a good day!<br>'''Peanut:''' Yes we had, a great frickin' day!!! ''[Jeff looks at him.]'' WHAT??<br>'''Jeff:''' Did you have a good day?<br>'''Peanut:''' Yes!<br>'''Jose:''' No!<br>'''Peanut:''' Shut up.<br>'''Jeff:''' A good day.<br>'''Peanut:''' Yes!<br>'''Jose:''' No!<br>'''Peanut:''' Shut up!<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' You were supposed to take him to the spa. <br>'''Peanut:''' I took him to the spa! <br>'''Jose:''' He put me in the vegetable steamer.<br>'''Peanut:''' It's the same thing!!! The same thing it is too... it gets hot then it gets steamy then it goes "DING"!!! <br>'''Jose:''' You purple bastard! <br>'''Peanut:''' Mexican condiment!<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Condiments?<br>'''Jose:''' I do not use them.<br>'''Peanut:''' You don't?<br>'''Jose (to Peanut):''' And neither did your mother!<br>'''Sweet Daddy Dee:''' ''(off to the side)'' Oh, that's funny shit right there! That is funny shit!<br>'''Peanut:''' ''[to Jeff]'' That was really good. You gotta work under a little there. Cause from here, it sounded like it came out of my ass!<br>'''Jose:''' Now I have somewhere to put my steek!<br>'''Peanut:''' Your mother's a corn dog! HA!<br>'''Jose:''' On a steek!<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Are you happy, Jose?<br>'''Jose:''' Si, Senor, I am happy.<br>'''Peanut:''' What the hell is hhhhhappy?<br>'''Jeff:''' Are you always happy?<br>'''Jose:''' I'm not happy on Halloween.<br>'''Peanut:''' What the hhhhell is wrong with Hhhhhalloween?<br>'''Jose:''' There are no costumes on a steek.<br>'''Peanut:''' You could be a fudge sicle! ''[laughs]''<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Did anything else happen today?<br>'''Peanut:''' No.<br>'''Jose:''' Si.<br>'''Peanut:''' Damn!<br>'''Jeff:''' What else happened?<br>'''Peanut:''' We went out in the car!<br>'''Jeff:''' What happened?<br>'''Jose:''' He slammed my stick in the door! ''[Peanut tries not to laugh]'' And now I have a sud steek!<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Peanut, did you apologize?<br>'''Peanut:''' No. Because I couldn't BREATHE!!<br>'''Jeff:''' Why?<br>'''Jose:''' Cause he was laughing too hard.<br>''[Peanut manages to catch his breath and gasps rapidly.]''<br>'''Peanut:''' It's funny because he looks like a hood ornament from Taco Bell!<br>'''Jeff:''' Peanut, you'll have to apologize!<br>'''Peanut:''' Allrightallrightallright! Jose, I'm... I'm sorry!<br>'''Jose:''' Is okay. I hope you die!<br>'''Jeff:''' You're gonna have to be nicer to him.<br>'''Peanut:''' Okay!<br>''[Peanut and Jose speak to each other in Spanish.]''<br>'''Jeff:''' What're you doing?<br>'''Peanut:''' A-speaking in Jose's tongue!<br>'''Jeff:''' Well don't do that.<br>'''Peanut:''' Why not?<br>'''Jeff:''' It makes me feel left out.<br>'''Peanut:''' Huh?!<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' I don't speak Spanish!<br>''[Peanut and Jose look at him, then Jose turns from Jeff singing the famous tune from the Twilight Zone.]''<br>'''Peanut:''' Picture if you will.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Jose, what makes you happiest in life?<br>'''Jose:''' My BMW.<br>'''Jeff:''' He has a BMW?<br>'''Peanut:''' Yeah! A big Mexican woman!<br>'''Jose:''' On a steek!<br>'''Jeff:''' Jose, would you feel better in the box?<br>'''Jose:''' Is much nicer in the box.<br>''[Jeff almost drops him.]''<br>'''Peanut:''' Woah! I thought you were gonna drop him. That would've been...funny as hell!<br>'''Jose:''' Do not drop me, señor.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' I won't drop you, Jose.<br>'''Jose:''' Because then I would be Jose Jalapeño on the floor.<br>'''Peanut:''' Do a little tap dance and we've got salsa.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' That's terrible!<br>'''Peanut:'''Not with the right kind of chips, it's not!<br>'''Jeff:''' I'm sorry, Jose.<br>'''Jose:''' Is okay. I kick his ass later.<br>'''Peanut:''' I'll turn ''your'' ass into guacamole! I'll stir you with your own stick! ''This is the way we stir the guac, stir the guac, stir the guac!'' OLÈ!<br>'''Jeff:''' Sorry, Jose.<br>'''Jose:''' Is okay. Don't close the door.<br>'''Peanut:''' Why?<br>'''Jose:''' ''[whispering]'' Cockroaches!<br>'''Peanut:''' You have cockroaches in there?<br>'''Jose:''' One big one... on a steek! Senor! I need to come back out!<br>'''Jeff:''' You stay there, Jose. I have to go on with the show!<br>'''Jose:''' I need to come back out!<br>'''Peanut:''' You can't come back out!<br>'''Jose:''' I need to see the senoritas. I want to see the girls!<br>'''Peanut:''' What girls?<br>'''Jose:''' Any girls.<br>'''Jeff:''' What makes you think the girls would want to see you?<br>'''Jose:''' Jose has the steek.<br>'''Peanut:''' Kinda erased now, didn't it?<br>'''Jeff:''' Jose, stay right there.<br>'''Jose:''' I'm gonna sing for senoritas!<br>'''Jeff:''' No you can't sing.<br>'''Jose:''' I'm going to sing!<br>'''Jeff:''' You can't sing!<br>'''Jose:''' ''[singing]''<br>''Ayiyiyiyiyi!''<br>''I am Jose Jalapeno!''<br>''All the jalapenos,''<br>''you love me, you do!''<br>''Jalapenos, I'd give my stick to yoooouuu!''<br>'''Jeff:''' Thank you, Jose!<br>''[Jose screams at the top of his lungs wailing, Jeff closes the door, muffled singing. Jeff opens it again, Jose still wailing. Jeff closes and opens it three times more. Jose stops singing.]''<br>'''Jose:''' Is a good trick, senor!<br>'''Jeff:''' All right! And that's Jose Jalapeno!<br>'''Jose:''' On a stick! |
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''{See the rest of the "Jose Jalapeno" segment [http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Jeff_Dunham#Peanut here]}'' |
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== Spark of Insanity == |
== Spark of Insanity == |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' So I heard your birthday came not too long ago. |
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===Walter=== |
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:'''Walter:''' Yep. |
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*'''Walter:''' ''[to audience]'' Ohhhh! Get a life! Duuuuuhhhhh!<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' How are you doing, Walter?<br>'''Walter:''' What the hell happened to your hair? It looks like you were in a freakin' car wreck.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Well, they said it makes me look hip.<br>'''Walter:''' I think it makes you look homeless! Been in DC for two days and you're already freakin' homeless!<br>'''Jeff:''' Come on, Walter, you like being in DC?<br>'''Walter:''' Yeah, there's nothing like being mugged in our nation's capital.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' There's a lot of exciting things here in our nation's capital.<br>'''Walter:''' Yeah, what happens in DC, stays on [[W: YouTube| YouTube]]. |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' Did your wife get you anything? |
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:'''Walter:''' Eh, she got me a book on [[w: reincarnation| reincarnation]]. |
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*'''Jeff Dunham:''' So I heard your birthday came not too long ago.<br>'''Walter:''' Yep.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Did your wife get you anything?<br>'''Walter:''' Eh, she got me a book on [[w: reincarnation| reincarnation]].<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Do you believe in it?<br>'''Walter:''' Hell, I don't know.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Well, if you died, who would you come back as, and what would you do?<br>'''Walter:''' I'd come back as my wife, and leave me the Hell aloooone!<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Walter, you pick on her all the time!<br>'''Walter:''' Yeah I know, maybe I'll reincarnate into a nice, sensitive guy, driving a blue frickin' Prius!. That is the saddest little ve-hicle.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' It's a great car!<br>'''Walter:''' Ever hear it when it drives down the road? It goes "IIIIIIIIII'm gay!" |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' Do you believe in it? |
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:'''Walter:''' Hell, I don't know. |
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=== Achmed the Dead Terrorist === |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' Well, if you died, who would you come back as, and what would you do? |
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:'''Walter:''' I'd come back as my wife, and leave me the Hell aloooone! |
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*'''Jeff Dunham:''' Evening Achmed.<br>'''Achmed:''' Good evening, infidel.<br>'''Jeff:''' So you're a terrorist?<br>'''Achmed:''' Yes, I am a terrorist.<br>'''Jeff:''' What kind of terrorist?<br>'''Achmed:''' A terrifying... terrorist. Are you scared?<br>'''Jeff:''' Not really, no.<br>'''Achmed:''' ''[roars]'', and now?<br>'''Jeff:''' Not really, no.<br>'''Achmed:''' ''[roars louder]'', how bout' now?<br>'''Jeff:''' No.<br>'''Achmed:''' Goddamnit. Oh oh, I mean uh, Allah-damnit. ''[audience laughter]'' Silence! I KILL you!<br>'''Jeff:''' So uh, Achmed.<br>'''Achmed:''' No, is A''ch''med.<br>'''Jeff:''' That's what I said.<br>'''Achmed:''' No, you said Acmed, Is A''ch''med, ''[makes rasping noise]''. ''[audience laughter]'' Silence! I KILL you!.<br>'''Jeff:''' How do you spell it?<br>'''Achmed:''' What?<br>'''Jeff:''' How do you spell your name?<br>'''Achmed:''' Oh, let's see. A... C... phlegm... ''[audience laughter]'' Silence! I kill you!<br>'''Jeff:''' So Achmed, if you're a terrorist, I suppose you have some sort of specialty.<br>'''Achmed:''' Yes, I am a suicide bomber.<br>'''Jeff:''' Ah, so you're finished.<br>'''Achmed:''' What?<br>'''Jeff:''' You've done your job.<br>'''Achmed:''' No, I haven't!<br>'''Jeff:''' But you're dead.<br>'''Achmed:''' No, I'm not. I feel fine!<br>'''Jeff:''' But you're all bone.<br>'''Achmed:''' It's a flesh wound. Silence! I kill you! ''[His feet move out of position]'' What the hell happened to my feet?! ''[Jeff tries to fix his feet]'' Son of a bitch!, what the hell!, oh wait a minute!, what the hell!, what are you doing, what the hell!, stop it!, what are you doing? '''STOP TOUCHING ME!!''' I kill you!!!<br>'''Jeff:''' Okay, just hold on, we'll fix this. ''[Jeff holds Achmed in the air and moves his pelvis]''<br>'''Achmed:''' Okay, wait, what are you doing, holy crap, I'm in the air. Wait, wait, something is backwards, holy crap. I need some ligaments!.<br>'''Jeff:''' Just sit still.<br>'''Achmed:''' Okay, I will not move my ass.<br>'''Walter:''' You idiot, you don't have an ass!<br>'''Achmed:''' Is that Walter?, he scares the crap out of me!, please do not put me back in the same suitcase!<br>'''Jeff:''' Why?<br>'''Achmed:''' He has gas!, [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam]]'s mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart! ''[audience laughter]'' It's not funny!, he will kill us!.<br>'''Jeff:''' Alright listen, Achmed, I have something to tell you.<br>'''Achmed:''' What?<br>'''Jeff:''' You really are dead.<br>'''Achmed:''' Are you sure?<br>'''Jeff:''' Yes.<br>'''Achmed:''' I just got my flu shot.<br>'''Jeff:''' You really are dead.<br>'''Achmed:''' Wait, if I'm dead, that means I get my seventy-two virgins! ''[looks at crowd]'' Are you my virgins? I hope not!<br>'''Jeff:''' Why?<br>'''Achmed:''' There's a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there! If this is paradise, I've been screwed!<br>'''Jeff:''' Well did they say there would only be ''female'' virgins?<br>'''Achmed:''' Holy crap!<br>''Crowd laughs''<br>'''Achmed:''' Oh! Wait, I can have [[w:Clay Aiken| Clay Aiken]]! ''[laughs madly]'' I told a joke!<br>'''Jeff:''' So, listen Achmed, where did you come from?<br>'''Achmed:''' Your fricking suitcase!, ''[laughs madly]'' I told another one!<br>'''Jeff:''' Look, if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how have you been getting through security at the airport?<br>'''Achmed:''' Oh, that's easy, they open the case and I go ''"Hello!, I am [[w:Lindsay Lohan|Lindsay Lohan]]!"''. I told another joke!, I can do this crap too! Okay here's another one, two Jews walk in a bar-<br>'''Jeff:''' No, don't.<br>'''Achmed:''' What? You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard!<br>'''Jeff:''' I don't want racial jokes in my act.<br>'''Achmed:''' Oh, how about I kill the Jews? I'm just kidding, I wouldn't kill the Jews, no. I'd throw a penny between them and watch them fight to the death. ''[laughs]'' Yes! Yes! I did the same thing with two Catholic Priests, but I threw in a small boy. The winner had to fight [[Michael Jackson]]!<br>'''Jeff:''' Achmed!<br>'''Achmed:''' What?<br>'''Jeff:''' Stop doing that, you can't tell jokes like that!<br>'''Achmed:''' Why not!, I'm killing, so to speak.<br>'''Jeff:''' Well, you can't tell jokes like that.<br>'''Achmed:''' Why?<br>'''Jeff:''' It offends people.<br>'''Achmed:''' Oh. I'm dead!, what do I care!, what do you want me to do?, knock-knock jokes?<br>'''Jeff:''' It'd probably be better.<br>'''Achmed:''' Okay, Knock Knock !<br>'''Jeff:''' Who's there ?<br>'''Achmed:''' Me, I kill you.<br>'''Jeff:''' So look, as a suicide bomber, did you have any training?<br>'''Achmed:''' Of course, we had the [[Suicide Bomber]] Training Camp.<br>'''Jeff:''' Ah, is it a nice facility?<br>'''Achmed:''' It used to be.<br>'''Jeff:''' What happened?<br>'''Achmed:''' New guy. The idiot tried to practice.<br>'''Jeff:''' And what did you learn from that?<br>'''Achmed:''' LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!<br>'''Jeff:''' So do you guys have any kind of motto?<br>'''Achmed:''' Like what?<br>'''Jeff:''' Well, you know, like "We're looking for a few good men.".<br>'''Achmed:''' We're looking for some idiots with no future.<br>'''Jeff:''' Where do you get your recruits?<br>'''Achmed:''' The Suicide Hotline. Hahaha, that was dark, was it not?<br>'''Jeff:''' So what exactly happened to you?<br>'''Achmed:''' Huh?<br>'''Jeff:''' What happened?<br>'''Achmed:''' Oh, If you must know, I am a horrible suicide bomber.<br>'''Jeff:''' What happened?<br>'''Achmed:''' I had a premature detonation. I set the timer to thirty minutes, but it went off in four seconds, you know what that's like right?, "Mr. Hurricane"?<br>'''Jeff:''' So, Achmed, what exactly happened to you?<br>'''Achmed:''' I was getting gasoline, can you hear me now? ''[makes rasping noise]'' And first I thought I went over my minutes. <br>'''Jeff:''' That's too bad.<br>'''Achmed:''' Is okay, I took that Verizon bastard with me.<br>'''Jeff:''' So what happens when you die? Do you see a bright light?<br>'''Achmed:''' If you're dumb enough to look at the explosion, yes.<br>'''Jeff:''' No I mean when they see a white light.<br>'''Achmed:''' I saw flying car parts....<br>'''Jeff:''' What was the last thing that went through your mind?<br>'''Achmed:''' My ass. ''[laughs madly]'' Walter told me to tell that joke!<br>'''Jeff:''' So you never saw a white light?<br>'''Achmed:''' No, I thought I saw a blue Prius! Do you really have one of those vehicles? ''[laughs madly]'' That is not a car, that's a lunchbox! Did you know when you're going down the highway, you put your hand out the window and the vehicle will turn?<br>'''Jeff:''' So, you did all this for a bunch of virgins?<br>'''Achmed:''' Are you kidding me? I'd kill you for a [[w:Klondike bar|Klondike bar]].<br>'''Jeff:''' So, I guess you're Muslim?<br>'''Achmed:''' I don't think so.<br>'''Jeff:''' You're not Muslim?<br>'''Achmed:''' No.<br>'''Jeff:''' Why?<br>'''Achmed:''' Look at my ass, it says "Made in China". Walter says I'm just a stinking Halloween decoration!<br>'''Jeff:''' So, you like being in DC?<br>'''Achmed:''' I think some idiots must live here!<br>'''Jeff:''' What do you mean?<br>'''Achmed:''' For example, the Washington Monument…<br>'''Jeff:''' What about it?<br>'''Achmed:''' It looks nothing like the guy! It looks more like a tribute to [[Bill Clinton]].<br>'''Jeff:''' What do you think of Bush?<br>'''Achmed:''' Oh, I love Bu-, oh you mean the president, I'm sorry!<br>'''Jeff:''' And that's Achmed the Dead Terrorist, thank you! |
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===Melvin, The Superhero Guy=== |
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* '''Jeff:''' ''[to Melvin]'' So you're a superhero?<br>'''Melvin:''' Yes.<br>'''Jeff:''' What's your most special feature?<br>'''Melvin:''' My costume!<br>'''Jeff:''' Very nice.<br>'''Melvin:''' Thank you.<br>'''Jeff:''' What does the D stand for?<br>'''Melvin:''' That's my theme song: Da-dada-da!<br>'''Jeff:''' Where did you get the costume?<br>'''Melvin:''' That is a superhero secret!<br>'''Jeff:''' eBay?<br>'''Melvin:''' DAMN IT! How did you know that?<br>'''Jeff:''' There's a tag saying "eBay", as plain as your no- Oops! Sorry! So you're a superhero, and do you fight crime?<br>'''Melvin:''' Yep.<br>'''Jeff:''' What kind of crime?<br>'''Melvin:''' The...bad kind.<br>'''Jeff:''' So what did you do today?<br>'''Melvin:''' ''[dramatically]'' Today.... I was battling.... a terrorist.<br>'''Jeff:''' Achmed?<br>'''Melvin:''' Yes!<br>'''Jeff:''' In what kind of battle?<br>'''Melvin:''' Checkers. Every time I'd get a king, he'd blow it up! <br> '''Jeff:''' So what'd you do?<br> '''Melvin:''' I issued a verbal threat, and then Walter gassed him! |
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* '''Jeff:''' I've noticed you have the same powers as Superman. Can you stop a speeding bullet?<br>'''Melvin:''' ''[pauses]'' Once. ''[crowd laughs]'' Shut up! That hurts like hell! <br>'''Jeff:''' Can you leap over tall buildings in a single bound?<br>'''Melvin:''' Why the hell would I want to do that? There's not a lotta call for it.<br>'''Jeff:''' Superman can do it.<br>'''Melvin:''' Psch, show-off, couldn't have done a lot of trouble just to walk around the effing thing! I can't curse, I think the president should.<br>'''Jeff:''' The President?<br>'''Melvin:''' Sure think about it: We've had the H-Bomb, the A-Bomb, now it's time for the F-bomb. I could see it now: "Hey terrorists! 'Eff' You!"<br>'''Jeff:''' So, do you change clothes in the phone booth?<br>'''Melvin:''' What?!<br>'''Jeff:''' Superman does it too.<br>'''Melvin:''' He has a lot of issues, doesn't he? My wife met Lois Lane once. Yeah, she said she acted like a H-O-R-E!<br>'''Jeff:''' You mean, the W.H.O.R.E.<br>'''Melvin:''' What's a Wahore? Sounds like a Klingon!<br>'''Jeff:''' So you're married. Does she have any powers?<br>'''Melvin:''' Once a month, she becomes ''evil!'' And I can't defeat her! Our children run in terror! Our big dog cowers under the couch!<br>'''Jeff:''' You have a dog?<br>'''Melvin:''' Actually, I borrowed your Chinchilla.<br>'''Jeff:''' You know Superman has a dog. Crypto, he has all the same powers as Superman does.<br>'''Melvin:''' That's ridiculous. If Crypto sniffs your crotch, he'll suck your lungs out your ass! You'll be in traction for years!<br>'''Jeff:''' Do you have an arch-enemy?<br>'''Melvin:''' Pinocchio!<br>'''Jeff:''' So, do you have a weakness? <br>'''Melvin: ''' Yes. Cupcakes... and porn. ''[audience groans/laughs/claps]'' Well, not at the same time. I need a free hand! |
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* '''Jeff:''' ''[questioning Melvin about superheroes]'' What about the Hulk?<br>'''Melvin:''' Why do you like the Hulk?<br>'''Jeff:''' Well, the angrier he gets, the stronger he gets.<br>'''Melvin: '''Yeah, like every white trash guy on [[w:COPS| COPS]]! |
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===Peanut=== |
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*'''Peanut:''' WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! We cannot talk at the same time! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, THAT'S IT! ''[faces Jeff]'' ''FOCUS!'' I am so sick of this crap! I've tried going solo!<br>'''Jeff:''' What happened?<br>'''Peanut:''' I kept falling off this fricking thing... |
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*'''Peanut:''' Am I pissing you off-fah-fah? Jef-fah-fah? ''[pause]'' ''Jef-fah-fah!'' Dun-Haam! ''Dot com!'' ''[to audience]'' Y'know, the weird thing is I am actually pissing him off. '''AND HE WOULD LIKE TO ''KILL ME!!''''' But he will not because that would be a form of suicide! ''[to Jeff]'' You want to kill me!<br>'''Jeff:''' No I don't.<br>'''Peanut:''' Yes you do!<br>'''Jeff:''' No. ''[Jeff and Peanut go back and forth at each other]''<br>'''Peanut:''' Search your feelings, Jeff-fah-fah! ''[Looks at audience then at Jeff]'' Dun-Haam! ''[rests his head on Jeff's shoulder]'' ''Dot com!'' [pause]<br>'''Jeff:''' What?<br>'''Peanut:''' Dude, you need a Tic-Tac! You know what your breath smells like? DUNHAAAM! |
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*'''Peanut:''' Do you know what would be funny as hell?<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' What?<br>'''Peanut:''' When this gets on Comedy Central, if the show was sponsored by ''[[W: Toyota| Toyota]]''... and they had ''no'' idea! One day they are looking at this and say, "Heeeey. He's a makin' fun of our car! He said it's gaaaay! It not gay, he gay! Let's get Godzilla to kill him!" Rooooar! EE-ee! Neeoooow! |
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*'''Peanut:''' ''[talking about Jeff's wife]'' Well, what if she's been with someone else? Like, ME! ''[audience laughs]'' Oh, come on! You go purple, you never go back!<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' I seriously don't think my wife has slept with you.<br>'''Peanut:''' Well, think about this for a second: In a weird, twisted way, all five of us onstage have ''slept with your wife''. When you're wild and having a great time, that's meeee! When you're mad and thinking, "Why did I marry this broad?" ''that's Walter''. When you're so angry, you want to kill her, that's Achmed.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' And what is José Jalapeño on a stick?<br>'''Peanut:''' You're a sick man! |
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===Jose Jalapeño On a Stick=== |
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*'''Jeff Dunham:''' Evening, Jose.<br>'''Jose:''' Ola, Senor Jeff. ''[pronounced as "Heff"]''<br>'''Jeff:''' Good to see you, Jose.<br>'''Jose:''' Gracias, Senor Jeff. ''[pronounced as before]'' |
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<hr width="50%"/> |
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*'''Peanut:''' I have a question for Josie!<br>'''Jose:''' ''[annoyed]'' My name is ''Jose!'' |
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:'''Jeff:''' Just sit still. |
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:'''Achmed:''' Okay, I will not move my ass. |
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:'''Walter:''' You idiot, you don't have an ass! |
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:'''Achmed:''' Is that Walter? He scares the crap out of me! Please do not put me back in the same suitcase! |
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:'''Jeff:''' Why? |
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:'''Achmed:''' He has gas! [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam]]'s mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart! ''[audience laughter]'' It's not funny!, he will kill us! |
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:'''Jeff:''' Alright listen, Achmed, I have something to tell you. |
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:'''Achmed:''' What? |
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:'''Jeff:''' You really are dead. |
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:'''Achmed:''' Wait, if I'm dead, that means I get my seventy-two virgins! ''[looks at crowd]'' Are you my virgins? I hope not! |
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:'''Jeff:''' Why? |
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:'''Achmed:''' There's a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there! If this is paradise, I've been screwed! |
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:'''Jeff:''' Well did they say there would only be ''female'' virgins? |
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:'''Achmed:''' Holy crap! |
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<hr width="50%"/> |
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*'''Peanut:''' Talk about hunt-and-peck!<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' I'm sorry, Jose.<br>'''Jose:''' Is okay. I'm going to hire Achmed to kill him!<br>'''Jeff:''' So what's your question, and be nice.<br>'''Peanut:''' Okay. Ummm, you're a jalapeño.<br>'''José:''' Si, Señor. On a stick.<br>'''Peanut:''' Right. And you're a Mexican jalapeño.<br>'''José:''' On a stick.<br>'''Peanut:''' Right. Are you a ''legal'' Mexican jalapeño?''[audience laughs, Jeff stares at him]'' What? What did I say?<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' This is not the appropriate time or place to ask that!<br>'''Peanut:''' Too late! HA HA HA HA! So José, are you legal? Are you legal? Are you legal? Are you legal? Are you legal? Lega-lega-lega-lega-lega- lega- lega- lelmmm?<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' I know the answer. Jose, are you legally entitled to be in this country?<br>'''Jose:''' Si, Señor. I have my [[w: green card| green card]].<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Ah.<br>'''Peanut:''' And where is your green card?<br>'''Jose:''' It's in my other steek. ''[Jeff and Peanut look at each other, than at the stick then back at each other]''<br>'''Peanut:''' Did you know he had another stick?<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' I had no idea.<br>'''Peanut:''' Do you know what this means? ''That one comes out!'' I always thought it was just, stuck up his ass! But he doesn't have an ass! He's just a Jalapeño-<br>'''Jose:''' On a steek.<br>'''Peanut:''' I KNOW! How did he get on the stick?<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' I don't know.<br>'''Peanut:''' Probably in some freak pogo accident, you know ''boing-boing, criiiiick!''<br>'''Jose:''' Olé! |
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:''[talking to Melvin, The Superhero Guy]'' |
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:'''Jeff:''' So you're married. Does she have any powers? |
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:'''Melvin:''' Once a month, she becomes ''evil!'' And I can't defeat her! Our children run in terror! Our big dog cowers under the couch! |
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:'''Jeff:''' You have a dog? |
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:'''Melvin:''' Actually, I borrowed your Chinchilla. |
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:'''Jeff:''' You know Superman has a dog. Crypto, he has all the same powers as Superman does. |
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:'''Melvin:''' That's ridiculous. If Crypto sniffs your crotch, he'll suck your lungs out your ass! You'll be in traction for years! |
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:'''Jeff:''' Do you have an arch-enemy? |
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:'''Melvin:''' Pinocchio! |
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:'''Jeff:''' So, do you have a weakness? |
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:'''Melvin: ''' Yes. Cupcakes... and porn. ''[audience groans/laughs/claps]'' Well, not at the same time. I need a free hand! |
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<hr width="50%"/> |
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*'''Peanut:''' ''[to Jeff]'' You really are an idiot!<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Jose, are you here on a temporary reason?<br>'''Peanut:''' He's here on a stick!<br>'''Jeff:''' Will you stop it?! ''[to Jose]'' Do you enjoy being in this country?<br>'''Jose:''' I'm afraid for my life.<br>'''Jeff:''' Why?<br>'''Peanut:''' Taco Bell!<br>'''Jeff:''' So, Jose, I hear you have a new girlfriend.<br>'''Jose:''' Si, Senor!<br>'''Peanut:''' A freakin' pickle on a pencil?<br>'''Jeff:''' ''[annoyed]'' STOP IT!! ''[Peanut laughs]'' |
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:'''Peanut:''' ''[talking about Jeff's wife]'' Well, what if she's been with someone else? Like, ME! ''[audience laughs]'' Oh, come on! You go purple, you never go back! |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' I seriously don't think my wife has slept with you. |
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:'''Peanut:''' Well, think about this for a second: In a weird, twisted way, all five of us onstage have ''slept with your wife''. When you're wild and having a great time, that's meeee! When you're mad and thinking, "Why did I marry this broad?" That's Walter. When you're so angry, you want to kill her, that's Achmed. |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' And what is José Jalapeño on a stick? |
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:'''Peanut:''' You're a sick man! |
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<hr width="50%"/> |
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*'''Jeff Dunham:''' So, Jose, I hear you must speak English very well.<br>'''Jose:''' Gracias, Senor.<br>'''Jeff:''' What was some of the first phrases in English you learned?<br>'''Peanut:''' "Will you help me push my car?" ''[audience laughter]'' "Does this I.D. look real?"<br>'''Jeff:''' ''[very annoyed]'' WILL YOU STOP IT?!<br>'''Peanut:''' "Where's the nearest Home Depot?"<br>'''Jeff:''' ''[angry]'' '''STOP IT!!'''<br>'''Jose:''' Actually, the last one was true.<br>'''Jeff:''' I'm sorry, Jose. I'm just happy to have you in the act.<br>'''Jose:''' Gracias, Senor.<br>'''Peanut:''' Just make sure he's legal.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' He's legal! Why are you so concerned?<br>'''Peanut:''' Are you not concerned?<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Why should I be?<br>'''Peanut:''' He works for ''you''! Laws pass, and he's not legal, you're gonna get your ass thrown in jail! And trust me, you would not do well in prison.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Why's that??<br>'''Peanut:''' C'mere, puppet boy: Make your daddy talk!<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' ''[sarcastically]'' That's nice. So you're saying I'd soon as become someone's-<br>'''Peanut:''' Bitch.<br>'''Jeff Dunham:''' Right.<br>'''Jose:'''On a steek! |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' So, Jose, I hear you must speak English very well. |
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:'''Jose:''' Gracias, Senor. |
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:'''Jeff:''' What was some of the first phrases in English you learned? |
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:'''Peanut:''' "Will you help me push my car?" ''[audience laughter]'' "Does this I.D. look real?" |
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:'''Jeff:''' ''[very annoyed]'' WILL YOU STOP IT?! |
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:'''Peanut:''' "Where's the nearest Home Depot?" |
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:'''Jeff:''' ''[angry]'' '''STOP IT!!''' |
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:'''Jose:''' Actually, the last one was true. |
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:'''Jeff:''' I'm sorry, Jose. I'm just happy to have you in the act. |
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:'''Jose:''' Gracias, Senor. |
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:'''Peanut:''' Just make sure he's legal. |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' He's legal! Why are you so concerned? |
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:'''Peanut:''' Are you not concerned? |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' Why should I be? |
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:'''Peanut:''' He works for ''you''! Laws pass, and he's not legal, you're gonna get your ass thrown in jail! And trust me, you would not do well in prison. |
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:'''Jeff Dunham:''' Why's that?? |
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:'''Peanut:''' "C'mere, puppet boy: Make your daddy talk!" |
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[[Category:Comedians|Dunham, Jeff]] |
[[Category:Comedians|Dunham, Jeff]] |
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Revision as of 18:22, 10 October 2008
Jeff Dunham is a ventriloquist and stand-up comedian. He has performed on numerous comedy shows, including Comedy Central Presents in 2003. He has released two DVDs: Arguing With Myself, released in April 2006, and Spark of Insanity, released in September 2007. A third, Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special, will be in November 2008.
Some of his usual puppets include a woozle named Peanut, a bitter old man named Walter, and José Jalapeño, a talking jalapeño pepper on a stick. In performances, Jeff plays the straight-man, opposite his various puppets' personalities.
Arguing With Myself
- Jeff: So, your wife's in town?
- Walter: Yeah.
- Jeff Dunham: Is she having a good time here?
- Walter: She is always having a good time.
- Jeff Dunham: Oh, good.
- Walter: Pisses me off....
- Jeff: She's a lovely lady.
- Walter: She gettin' old!
- Jeff: Women age like, like fine wine.
- Walter: [referring to his own wife] She's aging like milk.
- Jeff: So how long have you and your wife been together?
- Walter: Uh, let's see, forty-six years.
- Jeff Dunham: And what was the happiest time in your life?
- Walter: Forty-seven years ago! How long've you been married?
- Jeff: Fifteen years.
- Walter: You'll see.
- Jeff Dunham: See what?
- Walter: Remember when you said, "Till death do us part"?
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
- Walter: Later you'll realize you were actually setting a goal.
- Jeff Dunham: [trying to convince Peanut what a great city Santa Ana is] There's a lot of history in this city.
- Peanut: [as he moves an arm as if to point at imaginary words] Translated: Old, as, shit!
- Jeff Dunham: They've been rejuvenating, refurbishing-
- Peanut: Polish a turd, it's still a turd!
- [Peanut and Jose speak to each other in Spanish.]
- Jeff: What're you doing?
- Peanut: A-speaking in Jose's tongue!
- Jeff: Well don't do that.
- Peanut: Why not?
- Jeff: It makes me feel left out.
- Peanut: Huh?!
- Jeff Dunham: I don't speak Spanish!
- [Peanut and Jose look at him, then Jose turns from Jeff singing the famous tune from The Twilight Zone]
- Peanut: "Picture if you will..."
- [Jeff almost drops Jose Jalapeño On a Stick.]
- Peanut: Woah! I thought you were gonna drop him. That would've been...funny as hell!
- Jose: Do not drop me, señor.
- Jeff Dunham: I won't drop you, Jose.
- Jose: Because then I would be Jose Jalapeño on the floor.
- Peanut: Do a little tap dance and we've got salsa.
- Jeff Dunham: That's terrible!
- Peanut: Not with the right kind of chips, it's not!
Spark of Insanity
- Jeff Dunham: So I heard your birthday came not too long ago.
- Walter: Yep.
- Jeff Dunham: Did your wife get you anything?
- Walter: Eh, she got me a book on reincarnation.
- Jeff Dunham: Do you believe in it?
- Walter: Hell, I don't know.
- Jeff Dunham: Well, if you died, who would you come back as, and what would you do?
- Walter: I'd come back as my wife, and leave me the Hell aloooone!
- Jeff: Just sit still.
- Achmed: Okay, I will not move my ass.
- Walter: You idiot, you don't have an ass!
- Achmed: Is that Walter? He scares the crap out of me! Please do not put me back in the same suitcase!
- Jeff: Why?
- Achmed: He has gas! Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart! [audience laughter] It's not funny!, he will kill us!
- Jeff: Alright listen, Achmed, I have something to tell you.
- Achmed: What?
- Jeff: You really are dead.
- Achmed: Wait, if I'm dead, that means I get my seventy-two virgins! [looks at crowd] Are you my virgins? I hope not!
- Jeff: Why?
- Achmed: There's a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there! If this is paradise, I've been screwed!
- Jeff: Well did they say there would only be female virgins?
- Achmed: Holy crap!
- [talking to Melvin, The Superhero Guy]
- Jeff: So you're married. Does she have any powers?
- Melvin: Once a month, she becomes evil! And I can't defeat her! Our children run in terror! Our big dog cowers under the couch!
- Jeff: You have a dog?
- Melvin: Actually, I borrowed your Chinchilla.
- Jeff: You know Superman has a dog. Crypto, he has all the same powers as Superman does.
- Melvin: That's ridiculous. If Crypto sniffs your crotch, he'll suck your lungs out your ass! You'll be in traction for years!
- Jeff: Do you have an arch-enemy?
- Melvin: Pinocchio!
- Jeff: So, do you have a weakness?
- Melvin: Yes. Cupcakes... and porn. [audience groans/laughs/claps] Well, not at the same time. I need a free hand!
- Peanut: [talking about Jeff's wife] Well, what if she's been with someone else? Like, ME! [audience laughs] Oh, come on! You go purple, you never go back!
- Jeff Dunham: I seriously don't think my wife has slept with you.
- Peanut: Well, think about this for a second: In a weird, twisted way, all five of us onstage have slept with your wife. When you're wild and having a great time, that's meeee! When you're mad and thinking, "Why did I marry this broad?" That's Walter. When you're so angry, you want to kill her, that's Achmed.
- Jeff Dunham: And what is José Jalapeño on a stick?
- Peanut: You're a sick man!
- Jeff Dunham: So, Jose, I hear you must speak English very well.
- Jose: Gracias, Senor.
- Jeff: What was some of the first phrases in English you learned?
- Peanut: "Will you help me push my car?" [audience laughter] "Does this I.D. look real?"
- Jeff: [very annoyed] WILL YOU STOP IT?!
- Peanut: "Where's the nearest Home Depot?"
- Jeff: [angry] STOP IT!!
- Jose: Actually, the last one was true.
- Jeff: I'm sorry, Jose. I'm just happy to have you in the act.
- Jose: Gracias, Senor.
- Peanut: Just make sure he's legal.
- Jeff Dunham: He's legal! Why are you so concerned?
- Peanut: Are you not concerned?
- Jeff Dunham: Why should I be?
- Peanut: He works for you! Laws pass, and he's not legal, you're gonna get your ass thrown in jail! And trust me, you would not do well in prison.
- Jeff Dunham: Why's that??
- Peanut: "C'mere, puppet boy: Make your daddy talk!"