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Admit One
When high school teacher Tom Smith meets Kevin Bannerman at a gay club, he violates his own rule: one-night stands only. But when the weekend is over, he walks away, reminding himself that he lives a deeply closeted life for painful, compelling reasons. He keeps his secrets, his heart, and the cause of his crippled arm to himself, but almost immediately he bitterly regrets leaving Kevin.
Months later, while Tom serves as reluctant assistant director for his school's production of Rent, he fears that the show's same-sex love angle will somehow out him. Protests against the play begin, one of the student actors is harassed, and during a parents' meeting, Tom encounters Kevin again. This time Tom can't fight the attraction between them, and he and Kevin begin a tentative relationship. Within Rent's message of acceptance and support, and as local churches oppose the play, Tom struggles to find the strength to admit one man into his heart.
Months later, while Tom serves as reluctant assistant director for his school's production of Rent, he fears that the show's same-sex love angle will somehow out him. Protests against the play begin, one of the student actors is harassed, and during a parents' meeting, Tom encounters Kevin again. This time Tom can't fight the attraction between them, and he and Kevin begin a tentative relationship. Within Rent's message of acceptance and support, and as local churches oppose the play, Tom struggles to find the strength to admit one man into his heart.
336 pages, ebook
First published November 12, 2009
About the author
Jenna Hilary Sinclair
9 books35 followersFor years Jenna Hilary Sinclair approached creative writing as if she were looking over the edge of a cliff—the view was terrifying but seductive. She couldn’t comprehend how anyone could compose a complex plot and have the patience to put it on the page. But one day she sat down, picked up a pen, and much to her astonishment, a novel began to take shape.
Since that day, Jenna’s been in an exhilarating free fall. She lives her own life plus the lives of her characters, searches for the answers to the most important questions—What is love? Where is courage? Why is there fear?—and has a wonderful time writing gay romance.
Jenna is fiercely in favor of GLBT rights, kindness, keeping promises, and mountains. She lives in the Great American Southwest with her beloved husband, two cats, and a hundred characters dancing in her head. Some of them dance together. She hopes the music never stops.
Visit Jenna’s blogs at http://jenna-hilary.livejournal.com and http://jenna-smiling.livejournal.com.
Since that day, Jenna’s been in an exhilarating free fall. She lives her own life plus the lives of her characters, searches for the answers to the most important questions—What is love? Where is courage? Why is there fear?—and has a wonderful time writing gay romance.
Jenna is fiercely in favor of GLBT rights, kindness, keeping promises, and mountains. She lives in the Great American Southwest with her beloved husband, two cats, and a hundred characters dancing in her head. Some of them dance together. She hopes the music never stops.
Visit Jenna’s blogs at http://jenna-hilary.livejournal.com and http://jenna-smiling.livejournal.com.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 165 reviews
February 27, 2010
This is one of those reviews where I feel like I can say nothing or have to go on for an hour and a half. I don't have an hour and a half, but I can't say nothing.
This is a book well done, is the bottom line, and what I love is that it's a book only an m/m author and an m/m house like Dreamspinner will give you. It has heart. It has edges. It will lift you up and open you up, but you will be okay when it's over. It has beautiful, well-written sex scenes which are, as they should be in all novels, vital to the plot. It has tender moments which have nothing to do with sex and sexual moments with no sexual content. It's beautiful.
It was a hard book for me to read. I get upset about inequality to LGBT persons on a cellular level, and to be in Tom's head in first person for 350 pages was hard. I worried something horrible and Brokeback Mountainy was going to happen, and that was why I got in so many pages and then had to hide for awhile. But it's okay; you can trust Sinclair. It's hard to live with Tom, but it works out okay. Don't stay away for that. There's good catharsis here.
Sinclair can write your pants off, too. She has brilliant control and pacing; she doesn't bog you down with description or meander off into things that don't matter to the central story. There is escalation, but she stops to develop things too. She is clearly seasoned and a master at her craft. So what you get with this book is a powerful, sweet, ultimately uplifting story delivered by someone who knows how to use the rudder.
And it's an m/m book. We know these are rare. If you've been dragging your heels on reading this one, all I can say is pick them up and run. You won't be sorry.
This is a book well done, is the bottom line, and what I love is that it's a book only an m/m author and an m/m house like Dreamspinner will give you. It has heart. It has edges. It will lift you up and open you up, but you will be okay when it's over. It has beautiful, well-written sex scenes which are, as they should be in all novels, vital to the plot. It has tender moments which have nothing to do with sex and sexual moments with no sexual content. It's beautiful.
It was a hard book for me to read. I get upset about inequality to LGBT persons on a cellular level, and to be in Tom's head in first person for 350 pages was hard. I worried something horrible and Brokeback Mountainy was going to happen, and that was why I got in so many pages and then had to hide for awhile. But it's okay; you can trust Sinclair. It's hard to live with Tom, but it works out okay. Don't stay away for that. There's good catharsis here.
Sinclair can write your pants off, too. She has brilliant control and pacing; she doesn't bog you down with description or meander off into things that don't matter to the central story. There is escalation, but she stops to develop things too. She is clearly seasoned and a master at her craft. So what you get with this book is a powerful, sweet, ultimately uplifting story delivered by someone who knows how to use the rudder.
And it's an m/m book. We know these are rare. If you've been dragging your heels on reading this one, all I can say is pick them up and run. You won't be sorry.
June 12, 2011
Tom Smith is a history teacher in a conservative small Texan town who has carved out & compartmentalized what he considers a safe life. In the town where he lives people know him but don't really know him. He has kept the fact that he's a gay a secret & periodically travels miles out of town for sexual interactions with other gay men. It is during one of these forays out of town that he meets Kevin Bannerman & his vision of what his world is really like starts to crumble.
It is when Tom is back to his 'real life' where he not only finds out that his school is putting on the controversial musical Rent & they want him to be the assistant director & counselor for the teens but that he also reunites with Kevin, that his life reaches a kind of tipping point.
Tom is such a lonely, depressed man desperate to keep his secrets that you often feel frustrated with him reading this story. It is only much later in the story that you learn the reasons why Tom is behaving the way he is. This story is worth sticking through. The story about the high school production of Rent & the reactions of the town ring true. (there has been several HS productions of Rent where attempts were made to shut them down. One eventually led to a lawsuit by ACLU & the school getting a new principal. In that case the show was allowed to go on at that high school) I enjoyed reading about that side of the story & was left with some curiosity about some of the teens, especially Robbie & Steven --Maybe they could be revisited in a later book.
I do recommend this book. It's the kind of story that lingers with you & makes you think which is what the best of M/M romance should be about.
It is when Tom is back to his 'real life' where he not only finds out that his school is putting on the controversial musical Rent & they want him to be the assistant director & counselor for the teens but that he also reunites with Kevin, that his life reaches a kind of tipping point.
Tom is such a lonely, depressed man desperate to keep his secrets that you often feel frustrated with him reading this story. It is only much later in the story that you learn the reasons why Tom is behaving the way he is. This story is worth sticking through. The story about the high school production of Rent & the reactions of the town ring true. (there has been several HS productions of Rent where attempts were made to shut them down. One eventually led to a lawsuit by ACLU & the school getting a new principal. In that case the show was allowed to go on at that high school) I enjoyed reading about that side of the story & was left with some curiosity about some of the teens, especially Robbie & Steven --Maybe they could be revisited in a later book.
I do recommend this book. It's the kind of story that lingers with you & makes you think which is what the best of M/M romance should be about.
August 30, 2011
I have mixed feelings about this book. I'd like to give it 4-stars, but I just can't.
Here's the positive. It's technically well written and edited. Unlike many in this genre, I found little if any grammatical or punctuation errors. That's a good start. The character development was certainly their and both Tom and Kevin seemed real. It had a great opening and conclusion.
However...who was it who said (Cecil B. DeMille?) the three most important ingredients in a movie are plot, plot and plot? Well, this goes for books too. An author is expecting the reader to spend several hours with their story. In order to warrant that, they need to provide a reason to keep their attention. In review the book, chapter by chapter, really nothing really happens. I know Tom is involved in putting on "Rent." But is that really a plot? My other issue is the non-stop whining from Tom. I know he's troubled...we all get that. But page after page, chapter after chapter of it gets so annoying. If this book were about 100 pages shorter, it would probably be better. I just wish there had been more going on in the book to accompany the character development. I don't really care that much about spending 300+ pages dwelling on producing a play.
So...I'd give it 4 stars for style, and 2 stars for plot.
Here's the positive. It's technically well written and edited. Unlike many in this genre, I found little if any grammatical or punctuation errors. That's a good start. The character development was certainly their and both Tom and Kevin seemed real. It had a great opening and conclusion.
However...who was it who said (Cecil B. DeMille?) the three most important ingredients in a movie are plot, plot and plot? Well, this goes for books too. An author is expecting the reader to spend several hours with their story. In order to warrant that, they need to provide a reason to keep their attention. In review the book, chapter by chapter, really nothing really happens. I know Tom is involved in putting on "Rent." But is that really a plot? My other issue is the non-stop whining from Tom. I know he's troubled...we all get that. But page after page, chapter after chapter of it gets so annoying. If this book were about 100 pages shorter, it would probably be better. I just wish there had been more going on in the book to accompany the character development. I don't really care that much about spending 300+ pages dwelling on producing a play.
So...I'd give it 4 stars for style, and 2 stars for plot.
December 19, 2014
I loved this book.
A stunning story of a man's life after surviving a violent crime and the wreckage that follows.
But for me, it was mostly a story of transformation.
From blame to acceptance, shame to courage, fear to trust, victim to survivor.
No book since Nor Iron Bars a Cage has affected me as much.
And it was awfully sexy and romantic too.
A stunning story of a man's life after surviving a violent crime and the wreckage that follows.
But for me, it was mostly a story of transformation.
From blame to acceptance, shame to courage, fear to trust, victim to survivor.
No book since Nor Iron Bars a Cage has affected me as much.
And it was awfully sexy and romantic too.
November 24, 2022
It's official ... I'm apparently in the irate minority. DNF @ 50% - Then there was aggravated skimming. That's it. I'm done. I just couldn't take one more moment of Tom's selfish, self-invested, self-centred, whiny, and abrasive personality for one more second. This book is told entirely from Tom's POV and holy shit is it agonizing - I felt stunted, trapped, bored, and ANGRY!!! More to the point, this book is more about HIM than his relationships with, well, anybody ... and I just cannot read through page after page of him trying to sleep, him going through his attic garbage, him going to school and feeling bereft of Kevin but also chastising himself for missing him, him thinking goodness knows what, or whatever the hell else this ridiculous wishy-washy pseudo martyr does with his pathetic self sabotaging life!
Frankly? I could not, for the life of me, understand WHY Kevin was interested in Tom or WHAT the fuck he saw in him that had Kevin practically running after the shmuck. All I saw was an opportunity for some bitch-slapping ... and perhaps a little bit of yelling to WAKE THE FUCK UP!! This Tom character just rubbed me the wrong way, and it wasn't his fear or his hesitance or his, well, anything about his circumstance; it was his ATTITUDE in the face of it all. I JUST. CANNOT. I just can't spend another minute in the head of someone who's afraid of life and afraid of standing up for himself. Tom infuriates me too much to continue. Thus ... Fin.
As always, I wrote this on the go with complete disregard for syntax and structure [sowwy :-P] and I'll revise later :-)!!
P.S. I skimmed a bit and brought an example with me. I mean, take a look at this ...
"My bladder reminded me of all the beer I’d thrown down my throat the past two days and how I urgently needed to piss, so away I went to the bathroom and did that and then splashed water in my face. I looked in the mirror and remembered that I’d seen Sean and the others in it on Friday morning, when I’d been wasted not from the booze but from misery and anger. Nobody was there now, and I was grateful for it. The tumult inside that had sent me careening into my yard with mayhem on my mind had disappeared too. In its place was a sort of watchful, expectant calm. I was hung-over, filthy, and in need of aspirin and a change of clothes, but I wasn’t wild like I’d been the day before."
For Pete's sake, man!! WHO GIVES A DAMN that you took a crap, took a piss, took a drink, or took a long leap off a short pier?!!? It felt like I was reading page after page of ridiculously irrelevant Facebook status updates *fumes*!!
The kicker? There are seemingly a gazillion pages with descriptions and lazy goings-on like this ... AT THE EXPENSE OF EVERYTHING ELSE mind you. Gahhhhh. I wanted to throw this book across the room - but was cheated out of the pleasure because this was in eBook format - and I only got to 50% [after that I just started skimming]. Another 50% of THIS?!!? HELL NO!!! I did want to jump into the book and save Kevin however. Poor, poor soul.
Rhetorical Q: Can you tell I'm pissed?!!?
Addendum: I skipped to the end and you know what I found out? I found out that Tom had been through tragically horrific experiences :-/. I mean WOW :-/!! Another tragedy, from this reader's experience, is that I'd have never found out what had happened to Tom nor would I have had the opportunity to sympathize, had I not skipped all the way to the end. It's a shame Tom never got to properly tell his story because this book was THAT bad (from my viewpoint at least). Book, you totally threw Tom under the literary bus!!
I had originally thought it was Tom's fault I disliked this book as much as I did, and I am currently wondering on that score. Was Tom SUPPOSED to be ridiculously obnoxious for the first 50% that I managed to crawl through, or did the author accidentally and completely character assassinate Tom? Hmmmm. Regardless, whether it's the former, the latter, or a combination of both, one thing is clear ... this author's work is very obviously not for me. Big, long, indefinite PASS!!
Frankly? I could not, for the life of me, understand WHY Kevin was interested in Tom or WHAT the fuck he saw in him that had Kevin practically running after the shmuck. All I saw was an opportunity for some bitch-slapping ... and perhaps a little bit of yelling to WAKE THE FUCK UP!! This Tom character just rubbed me the wrong way, and it wasn't his fear or his hesitance or his, well, anything about his circumstance; it was his ATTITUDE in the face of it all. I JUST. CANNOT. I just can't spend another minute in the head of someone who's afraid of life and afraid of standing up for himself. Tom infuriates me too much to continue. Thus ... Fin.
As always, I wrote this on the go with complete disregard for syntax and structure [sowwy :-P] and I'll revise later :-)!!
P.S. I skimmed a bit and brought an example with me. I mean, take a look at this ...
"My bladder reminded me of all the beer I’d thrown down my throat the past two days and how I urgently needed to piss, so away I went to the bathroom and did that and then splashed water in my face. I looked in the mirror and remembered that I’d seen Sean and the others in it on Friday morning, when I’d been wasted not from the booze but from misery and anger. Nobody was there now, and I was grateful for it. The tumult inside that had sent me careening into my yard with mayhem on my mind had disappeared too. In its place was a sort of watchful, expectant calm. I was hung-over, filthy, and in need of aspirin and a change of clothes, but I wasn’t wild like I’d been the day before."
For Pete's sake, man!! WHO GIVES A DAMN that you took a crap, took a piss, took a drink, or took a long leap off a short pier?!!? It felt like I was reading page after page of ridiculously irrelevant Facebook status updates *fumes*!!
The kicker? There are seemingly a gazillion pages with descriptions and lazy goings-on like this ... AT THE EXPENSE OF EVERYTHING ELSE mind you. Gahhhhh. I wanted to throw this book across the room - but was cheated out of the pleasure because this was in eBook format - and I only got to 50% [after that I just started skimming]. Another 50% of THIS?!!? HELL NO!!! I did want to jump into the book and save Kevin however. Poor, poor soul.
Rhetorical Q: Can you tell I'm pissed?!!?
Addendum: I skipped to the end and you know what I found out? I found out that Tom had been through tragically horrific experiences :-/. I mean WOW :-/!! Another tragedy, from this reader's experience, is that I'd have never found out what had happened to Tom nor would I have had the opportunity to sympathize, had I not skipped all the way to the end. It's a shame Tom never got to properly tell his story because this book was THAT bad (from my viewpoint at least). Book, you totally threw Tom under the literary bus!!
I had originally thought it was Tom's fault I disliked this book as much as I did, and I am currently wondering on that score. Was Tom SUPPOSED to be ridiculously obnoxious for the first 50% that I managed to crawl through, or did the author accidentally and completely character assassinate Tom? Hmmmm. Regardless, whether it's the former, the latter, or a combination of both, one thing is clear ... this author's work is very obviously not for me. Big, long, indefinite PASS!!
February 20, 2012
Kevin had been born to make love to a man, the same way I had.
This is the story of high school history teacher Tom Smith. He has been living a heartbreakingly lonely and closeted life for the last 16 years. He has lived in fear in his perfectly constructed life in the small town of Gunning, Texas since he graduated college. He meets banker Kevin Bannerman during one of his every few months trips to Houston and through a series of coincidences his one night stand is now invading his personal space. Now Tom is more uncomfortable than he can stand most of the time. What Kevin doesn't know and what we the readers are just beginning to understand is that Tom's gut wrenching fear of being outed
I often find it very difficult to write reviews. I know my words are not adequate when trying to explain how a story made me feel and everything I write is based on my emotional response to the characters and not on logic. So most of the time I can't write a review on something that I really loved because nobody wants to read my heartfelt babbling. This time I can't resist though, because my thoughts are exploding out my fingertips and I can't hold them back. This story hijacked my life this weekend and I need to express all the emotions that it took me through.
At first, this book was really hard for me and I didn't think I would be able to stomach it. There was so much hate being spewed by members of this religious and uber-conservative small town that I found myself wanting to scream at times. I wanted to hate Tom for being such a coward. Actually, I think I did hate him for a big part of the book. I couldn't believe the way that he chose to live and how he pushed Kevin away. It frustrated me and made me want to scream. I knew with the hints being thrown in throughout the book that something horrible had brought him to that point, but I still couldn't believe how scared he was being when his chance for love was standing right in front of him begging to be seen. Then I took a look around me, and asked myself what the fuck? Who the fuck did I think I was? I am a married middle class straight white woman. What the fuck do I know about being a traumatized gay man afraid to come out of the closet? How in the hell could I sit here in judgement of something I knew nothing about? I may be a liberal living in the most red state in the union (some might be thinking, what about Texas, but I promise you not one of the 77 counties in Oklahoma went blue in the 2008 election-no other state can claim this shame), but I know nothing about being afraid because of the color of my skin or who I choose to love. These are not problems that I have ever had to face. So what the fuck was I doing being angry at Tom for being afraid? And it pisses me off because I know that this is the way it is for so many people. Living in the shadows afraid to step into the sun. Wanting something that they don't feel like they deserve or being chastised for going after the life that they do. And I wish that I didn't feel so powerless to change that.
The great thing about this book is that once I got over my self righteous bullshit, I finally began to try and understand Tom. Even though I couldn't put myself in his shoes, I could relate to his fear. Ms Sinclair does such a fantastic job of drawing the reader in and making us feel what her character feels. The book is written in first person, which makes it infinitely harder to escape Tom and all his emotions. And when Tom finally gets around to telling Kevin we are stuck inside his head and truly get to know how deep his fear runs. We hear the words that he tells Kevin, but we also get to know the details that are so gruesome Tom can't bring himself to speak them out loud. We get to mourn with him Then when Tom does It is truly an amazing feeling.
What I liked best about this book, besides the beautiful journey we were privileged to take with Tom, is how seamlessly the play Rent was written into the plot. Since the moment I sat watching it in a New York audience in 2001, the musical has been woven into the fabric of my makeup. Though I am myself far from leading a Bohemian lifestyle, my heart will forever belong to those characters and the music of their life. The way that the play mirrored the story line and Tom was able to draw strength from it was spectacular. I enjoyed every scene where the high school students were acting out the play and loved seeing the words of my favorite songs in print. I wanted to be privy to more of these scenes and a small part of me wished that the book wasn't in 1st person so that we could get a peek into Robbie and Steven's mind to know what they were truly feeling playing Angel and Tom Collins. But like Tom said, we will likely never know for sure.
I have a close family member who walked out of Rent at the theater. I remember being shocked and confused when she told me that. Even when she explained her reasoning ("the entire thing is about AIDS"), I still couldn't comprehend. How could anyone not love a play about being proud of who you are with such beautiful songs about loving yourself and being brave enough to accept love in return. What was I missing? I think in my mind, and I admit that 11 years ago I might have been a little naive, I didn't see those major themes as important. I only know that my heart felt love and acceptance and ready to take on the world. That same family member has since found out that her favorite niece is gay. I often wonder if it would make a difference in her view if she were to see Rent for the first time today. If it would make a difference that someone she loved so much might face that same form of discrimination.
Anyway, this book made me want to do what any Rent lover would do. I pulled out my DVD and my daughter and I had a wonderful time sharing in the lives of Mark and Roger and the gang. Maybe a little risque for her age, but to me it is never too early to teach the life lessons of tolerance, acceptance and love. And even though she may have been a little confused about a few of the story lines, I could see in her eyes as she started singing along to the songs that she absolutely understood the underlying message. That like Kevin said, without love and friendship life is hardly worth living. And as a mom, that gives me great hope. I cherished every emotion that Admit One made me feel, and am so glad for the reminder of what reading is all about. Nothing can take you away to another place like a book can. Well, except maybe music! Play on...
"Can you imagine what it would be like if we could be honest?"
This is the story of high school history teacher Tom Smith. He has been living a heartbreakingly lonely and closeted life for the last 16 years. He has lived in fear in his perfectly constructed life in the small town of Gunning, Texas since he graduated college. He meets banker Kevin Bannerman during one of his every few months trips to Houston and through a series of coincidences his one night stand is now invading his personal space. Now Tom is more uncomfortable than he can stand most of the time. What Kevin doesn't know and what we the readers are just beginning to understand is that Tom's gut wrenching fear of being outed
I often find it very difficult to write reviews. I know my words are not adequate when trying to explain how a story made me feel and everything I write is based on my emotional response to the characters and not on logic. So most of the time I can't write a review on something that I really loved because nobody wants to read my heartfelt babbling. This time I can't resist though, because my thoughts are exploding out my fingertips and I can't hold them back. This story hijacked my life this weekend and I need to express all the emotions that it took me through.
At first, this book was really hard for me and I didn't think I would be able to stomach it. There was so much hate being spewed by members of this religious and uber-conservative small town that I found myself wanting to scream at times. I wanted to hate Tom for being such a coward. Actually, I think I did hate him for a big part of the book. I couldn't believe the way that he chose to live and how he pushed Kevin away. It frustrated me and made me want to scream. I knew with the hints being thrown in throughout the book that something horrible had brought him to that point, but I still couldn't believe how scared he was being when his chance for love was standing right in front of him begging to be seen. Then I took a look around me, and asked myself what the fuck? Who the fuck did I think I was? I am a married middle class straight white woman. What the fuck do I know about being a traumatized gay man afraid to come out of the closet? How in the hell could I sit here in judgement of something I knew nothing about? I may be a liberal living in the most red state in the union (some might be thinking, what about Texas, but I promise you not one of the 77 counties in Oklahoma went blue in the 2008 election-no other state can claim this shame), but I know nothing about being afraid because of the color of my skin or who I choose to love. These are not problems that I have ever had to face. So what the fuck was I doing being angry at Tom for being afraid? And it pisses me off because I know that this is the way it is for so many people. Living in the shadows afraid to step into the sun. Wanting something that they don't feel like they deserve or being chastised for going after the life that they do. And I wish that I didn't feel so powerless to change that.
The great thing about this book is that once I got over my self righteous bullshit, I finally began to try and understand Tom. Even though I couldn't put myself in his shoes, I could relate to his fear. Ms Sinclair does such a fantastic job of drawing the reader in and making us feel what her character feels. The book is written in first person, which makes it infinitely harder to escape Tom and all his emotions. And when Tom finally gets around to telling Kevin we are stuck inside his head and truly get to know how deep his fear runs. We hear the words that he tells Kevin, but we also get to know the details that are so gruesome Tom can't bring himself to speak them out loud. We get to mourn with him Then when Tom does It is truly an amazing feeling.
What I liked best about this book, besides the beautiful journey we were privileged to take with Tom, is how seamlessly the play Rent was written into the plot. Since the moment I sat watching it in a New York audience in 2001, the musical has been woven into the fabric of my makeup. Though I am myself far from leading a Bohemian lifestyle, my heart will forever belong to those characters and the music of their life. The way that the play mirrored the story line and Tom was able to draw strength from it was spectacular. I enjoyed every scene where the high school students were acting out the play and loved seeing the words of my favorite songs in print. I wanted to be privy to more of these scenes and a small part of me wished that the book wasn't in 1st person so that we could get a peek into Robbie and Steven's mind to know what they were truly feeling playing Angel and Tom Collins. But like Tom said, we will likely never know for sure.
I have a close family member who walked out of Rent at the theater. I remember being shocked and confused when she told me that. Even when she explained her reasoning ("the entire thing is about AIDS"), I still couldn't comprehend. How could anyone not love a play about being proud of who you are with such beautiful songs about loving yourself and being brave enough to accept love in return. What was I missing? I think in my mind, and I admit that 11 years ago I might have been a little naive, I didn't see those major themes as important. I only know that my heart felt love and acceptance and ready to take on the world. That same family member has since found out that her favorite niece is gay. I often wonder if it would make a difference in her view if she were to see Rent for the first time today. If it would make a difference that someone she loved so much might face that same form of discrimination.
Anyway, this book made me want to do what any Rent lover would do. I pulled out my DVD and my daughter and I had a wonderful time sharing in the lives of Mark and Roger and the gang. Maybe a little risque for her age, but to me it is never too early to teach the life lessons of tolerance, acceptance and love. And even though she may have been a little confused about a few of the story lines, I could see in her eyes as she started singing along to the songs that she absolutely understood the underlying message. That like Kevin said, without love and friendship life is hardly worth living. And as a mom, that gives me great hope. I cherished every emotion that Admit One made me feel, and am so glad for the reminder of what reading is all about. Nothing can take you away to another place like a book can. Well, except maybe music! Play on...
"Can you imagine what it would be like if we could be honest?"
October 27, 2011
What a breath of fresh air this book has been after the last several reading fiascos. No book is perfect but somehow the little niggles that may have been present in this book didn't really bother me at all. Miss Sinclair (and her editor(s)) must really be commended for the lack of spelling and grammatical errors that all too often take away from the work in this genre.
I found I enjoyed her characters a lot. Kevin's relentless drive and refusal to give up, Tom and his tragically insecure past, George with his trailblazing attitude - and yes, wish I could read more about Angel and Steven! Moreover I didn't really get the idea that any of the characters were being preachy and serving as overt mouthpieces as a couple people have expressed. I guess it's just a personal thing. I liked the characterization and I think Miss Sinclair did an excellent job of capturing the essence of a closeted gay man trapped between a rock and a hard place, with insecurity and past angst issues complicating matters even more.
I love that things were REALISTIC and not some manufactured happily ever after ending with too neat ends. Instead at the end Tom's victory is finally allowing himself to get to know Kevin and form the basis for a truer love, much more believable than any wishy washy happily ever ending could be in the context of the book. I found that I didn't even mind the explicit sex much, lol. I don't know what it was about this book exactly but I totally enjoyed it. Of course reading crap just before might have had something to do with that.
Anyway, thanks a lot for the great read, Miss Sinclair! :D
I found I enjoyed her characters a lot. Kevin's relentless drive and refusal to give up, Tom and his tragically insecure past, George with his trailblazing attitude - and yes, wish I could read more about Angel and Steven! Moreover I didn't really get the idea that any of the characters were being preachy and serving as overt mouthpieces as a couple people have expressed. I guess it's just a personal thing. I liked the characterization and I think Miss Sinclair did an excellent job of capturing the essence of a closeted gay man trapped between a rock and a hard place, with insecurity and past angst issues complicating matters even more.
I love that things were REALISTIC and not some manufactured happily ever after ending with too neat ends. Instead at the end Tom's victory is finally allowing himself to get to know Kevin and form the basis for a truer love, much more believable than any wishy washy happily ever ending could be in the context of the book. I found that I didn't even mind the explicit sex much, lol. I don't know what it was about this book exactly but I totally enjoyed it. Of course reading crap just before might have had something to do with that.
Anyway, thanks a lot for the great read, Miss Sinclair! :D
May 14, 2010
It's too bad that I will never had the chance to watch the Broadway version of RENT since I don't live in the U.S. though I remember the movie. I think this book, taking the spirit of RENT about love and acceptance of one self, is beautifully written.
Told from 1st point of view of Tom Smith, a teacher who lives a very closeted (and lonely life), where he travels to other town when he feels the need to have sex with somebody. Until he agrees (albeit reluctantly) to help with the RENT drama play in his high school, and gets a shock of his life when he recognizes Kevin Bannerman as one of the student's father. Kevin, a guy he randomly picked up and had sex twice. It was then, the way Tom lives his life gets challenged and the wall he builds around him crumbles -- as he sees the spirit of his students playing RENT and Kevin's love towards him makes him revisit the trauma that forces him to live his life as it is now.
While there are parts that I feel as dragging on, maybe because it is told from Tom's POV so there are a lot of those inner dialogs with himself, I still feel the message of this book as told across wonderfully. To "give in to love or live in fear" as the quote from RENT said. I had tears in my eyes as the book nearing the end and read the performance by the students. Wonderful, wonderful read ...
Told from 1st point of view of Tom Smith, a teacher who lives a very closeted (and lonely life), where he travels to other town when he feels the need to have sex with somebody. Until he agrees (albeit reluctantly) to help with the RENT drama play in his high school, and gets a shock of his life when he recognizes Kevin Bannerman as one of the student's father. Kevin, a guy he randomly picked up and had sex twice. It was then, the way Tom lives his life gets challenged and the wall he builds around him crumbles -- as he sees the spirit of his students playing RENT and Kevin's love towards him makes him revisit the trauma that forces him to live his life as it is now.
While there are parts that I feel as dragging on, maybe because it is told from Tom's POV so there are a lot of those inner dialogs with himself, I still feel the message of this book as told across wonderfully. To "give in to love or live in fear" as the quote from RENT said. I had tears in my eyes as the book nearing the end and read the performance by the students. Wonderful, wonderful read ...
October 21, 2011
I was not really in the mood for this when I started, but it turned out not to be the nightmare I'd imagined. The story of Tom and Kevin was sweet, although I do agree it was long winded in places. It certainly wouldn't of hurt to cut the story by a 100 pages or so. The long build up to Tom's past dragged in places and made Tom seem whiny. But the big secret surounding Tom was very well written, and extremely emotional. I shed tears lol.
Over all a 3 and a half star read that I'm bumping up to 4 because I think if I had read it at a later date I would of enjoyed it more.
Over all a 3 and a half star read that I'm bumping up to 4 because I think if I had read it at a later date I would of enjoyed it more.
October 3, 2019
The book is already well reviewed and the blurb spells it out clearly. This is my take on the book.
Closeted, gay teacher at a high school in a small West Texas town has been talked into the job of assistant to the director of the, HS adapted, musical Rent. Said teacher, Tom, is beyond paranoid that this will out him in some way to the people of Gunning. He truly believes that a neon sign will appear on his head saying 'I'm a faggot, beat me' so he tries awfully hard to convince George, fellow teacher and director, to do another play as this one is too controversial, and will cause problems for the children cast in Rent. He has a point, to a certain extent, but it really is 90% about him, 10% about the teenagers involved in the musical.
Admit One is a fantastic psychological study of people who have been traumatised or forced to live what is considered to be a 'normal lifestyle' by others' beliefs being rammed down their throats. It is also a good look at the effects of PTSD if it is not treated swiftly and properly. Tom could have worked through his problems much sooner, and in a much healthier way if he had been proactive or had someone in his life that encouraged help. It is also a damning portrait of small town America with their narrow minded, antiquated, and bent religious beliefs, where there is little or no separation of state and church. I am glad I do not live there as where I come from there is separation, thank goodness. You know it Tom and so do I - there is no such thing as a "well meaning bigot". No matter how much Tom Smith wants to tell himself (or us the readers) that the people of Gunning are good people because "if you get a flat tyre half a dozen people will help you" he knows the truth. The truth is that a half a dozen people will help you conditional upon the fact that you conform to their standards or their beliefs, and being homosexual is, after all, a 'perversion, abberation, abomination', so no help for them. In the closet Tom Smith stays.
Tom Smith - well, I found it very hard to like him, he is a victim of the highest order. I am acutely aware of what he has been through, but what I can't understand is how he has allowed others, one in particular, to dictate his life for him for 16 years in such a terrible, miserable manner. Tom is an assistant for the musical because he has taken a counselling course after all. Tom has moved to a redneck town to teach and eke out an existence, because he is not living, merely exisiting. It's a punishment for something that he feels responsbile for, being gay, brutalised, and being ostracised/hurt by most of those he loved during and in the aftermath of his brutalization. He is repressed and scared every day of his life, even his occasional sexual encounters are unfulfilling. He has typical self loathing issues, he can never understand how or why Kevin could desire him, want him, love him. In spite of the fact that Tom bothered me I did care for him, felt for him deeply, he had been dealt a terrible blow at 22 years of age. However, as I said earlier, he is the quintessential victim and it is hard to continually listen to his disconsolate dialogue and also his, at times, quite outwardly negative attitudes towards Rent and the students in it.
Another problem for me is that Tom could have chosen to teach in a large(r) city and been freer, more anonymous. He does, after all, like to go to cities occasionally to get laid when sexual desire gets too much, it's on one of these occasions he meets Kevin. He does push Kevin away but as fate would have it Kevin lands right back in Tom's (metaphorical) lap due to Rent.
Kevin Bannerman, what a man. He's not perfect, but he's damned close. He has been impacted by 'normal' as well, even though he knew he was gay, he married and had a daughter, but within one year he was separated and then divorced. He now has his priorities in order and knows who and what he wants. Kevin has the patience of Job. He waits, asks the right questions, then listens intently, is sexy, fun loving and kind. He also understands Tom needs tenderness and time, cries for him when Tom's full story comes out near the end, and is there, ever patient 'til the very last page. I loved Kevin, I wanted to say to him "leave Tom and find someone less complicated and more together emotionally, someone who will love you back and make life less complex than it is, you only get one go at this", but he cared for Tom deeply -so I waited right along side Kevin, and hoped.
I loved this book, even though I sighed a bit throughout because of Tom's misery. Ms Sinclair actually made the characters have a connection from near the get go. Sure, there was lust, but it wasn't standard insta-love, they formed a bond over shared likes of hiking, camping, sports and general male camaraderie. I must say the book was quite erotic as well, with well written sex between the 2 MC's. Also, the secondary characters were strong and shone brightly in their own right, including the parents and supporters of Rent. The bigots served their purpose, didn't like them, probably met people like them in real life, they are very real. I loved Tom's colleague George and his belief in staging Rent, trying to bring some tolerance to Gunning and getting the children to be more understanding and aware of people and life outside a small town. He dealt with the negativity and the zealots so patiently. The teenagers, from Robbie to Steven to Channing and Johnny, were fabulous they would, I feel, make parents anywhere proud.
Admit One is a good example of why I read and often love M/M. This book would not have stood up or had the same impact if it was a hetero book. The fact that it was Rent, and the two main protagonists were gay, made the stories intertwine perfectly and allowed it to be such a poignant read. I am a late comer to this book as I believe it was published in 2009 but I am so glad I found it. Beautifully written and highly recommended in all ways.
Closeted, gay teacher at a high school in a small West Texas town has been talked into the job of assistant to the director of the, HS adapted, musical Rent. Said teacher, Tom, is beyond paranoid that this will out him in some way to the people of Gunning. He truly believes that a neon sign will appear on his head saying 'I'm a faggot, beat me' so he tries awfully hard to convince George, fellow teacher and director, to do another play as this one is too controversial, and will cause problems for the children cast in Rent. He has a point, to a certain extent, but it really is 90% about him, 10% about the teenagers involved in the musical.
Admit One is a fantastic psychological study of people who have been traumatised or forced to live what is considered to be a 'normal lifestyle' by others' beliefs being rammed down their throats. It is also a good look at the effects of PTSD if it is not treated swiftly and properly. Tom could have worked through his problems much sooner, and in a much healthier way if he had been proactive or had someone in his life that encouraged help. It is also a damning portrait of small town America with their narrow minded, antiquated, and bent religious beliefs, where there is little or no separation of state and church. I am glad I do not live there as where I come from there is separation, thank goodness. You know it Tom and so do I - there is no such thing as a "well meaning bigot". No matter how much Tom Smith wants to tell himself (or us the readers) that the people of Gunning are good people because "if you get a flat tyre half a dozen people will help you" he knows the truth. The truth is that a half a dozen people will help you conditional upon the fact that you conform to their standards or their beliefs, and being homosexual is, after all, a 'perversion, abberation, abomination', so no help for them. In the closet Tom Smith stays.
Tom Smith - well, I found it very hard to like him, he is a victim of the highest order. I am acutely aware of what he has been through, but what I can't understand is how he has allowed others, one in particular, to dictate his life for him for 16 years in such a terrible, miserable manner. Tom is an assistant for the musical because he has taken a counselling course after all. Tom has moved to a redneck town to teach and eke out an existence, because he is not living, merely exisiting. It's a punishment for something that he feels responsbile for, being gay, brutalised, and being ostracised/hurt by most of those he loved during and in the aftermath of his brutalization. He is repressed and scared every day of his life, even his occasional sexual encounters are unfulfilling. He has typical self loathing issues, he can never understand how or why Kevin could desire him, want him, love him. In spite of the fact that Tom bothered me I did care for him, felt for him deeply, he had been dealt a terrible blow at 22 years of age. However, as I said earlier, he is the quintessential victim and it is hard to continually listen to his disconsolate dialogue and also his, at times, quite outwardly negative attitudes towards Rent and the students in it.
Another problem for me is that Tom could have chosen to teach in a large(r) city and been freer, more anonymous. He does, after all, like to go to cities occasionally to get laid when sexual desire gets too much, it's on one of these occasions he meets Kevin. He does push Kevin away but as fate would have it Kevin lands right back in Tom's (metaphorical) lap due to Rent.
Kevin Bannerman, what a man. He's not perfect, but he's damned close. He has been impacted by 'normal' as well, even though he knew he was gay, he married and had a daughter, but within one year he was separated and then divorced. He now has his priorities in order and knows who and what he wants. Kevin has the patience of Job. He waits, asks the right questions, then listens intently, is sexy, fun loving and kind. He also understands Tom needs tenderness and time, cries for him when Tom's full story comes out near the end, and is there, ever patient 'til the very last page. I loved Kevin, I wanted to say to him "leave Tom and find someone less complicated and more together emotionally, someone who will love you back and make life less complex than it is, you only get one go at this", but he cared for Tom deeply -so I waited right along side Kevin, and hoped.
I loved this book, even though I sighed a bit throughout because of Tom's misery. Ms Sinclair actually made the characters have a connection from near the get go. Sure, there was lust, but it wasn't standard insta-love, they formed a bond over shared likes of hiking, camping, sports and general male camaraderie. I must say the book was quite erotic as well, with well written sex between the 2 MC's. Also, the secondary characters were strong and shone brightly in their own right, including the parents and supporters of Rent. The bigots served their purpose, didn't like them, probably met people like them in real life, they are very real. I loved Tom's colleague George and his belief in staging Rent, trying to bring some tolerance to Gunning and getting the children to be more understanding and aware of people and life outside a small town. He dealt with the negativity and the zealots so patiently. The teenagers, from Robbie to Steven to Channing and Johnny, were fabulous they would, I feel, make parents anywhere proud.
Admit One is a good example of why I read and often love M/M. This book would not have stood up or had the same impact if it was a hetero book. The fact that it was Rent, and the two main protagonists were gay, made the stories intertwine perfectly and allowed it to be such a poignant read. I am a late comer to this book as I believe it was published in 2009 but I am so glad I found it. Beautifully written and highly recommended in all ways.
December 6, 2009
I picked up Admit One because of this line from its blurb: “Months later, while Tom serves as reluctant assistant director for his school’s production of Rent, he fears that the show’s same-sex love angle will somehow out him.” Of course the word Rent jumped out and the book was purchase was immediate.
I’m so glad I did. This was a wonderful, multi-layered book.
Tom Smith teaches high school history in Gunning, Texas, a small, conservative town. Tom is very closeted, traveling for hours to Houston or Abilene so he can be himself away from prying eyes. On one of those trips, he meets Kevin and becomes taken with this handsome man. So much so that he breaks his own rule about never hooking up with the same man twice.
Tom gets a one-two punch when he finds out his school is doing Rent and that he’s going to be the assistant director (he didn’t expect the school would get permission for it when he’d say “yes” to the position the previous spring) and Kevin turns up as a parent for one of the cast members. Tom had no idea that the daughter Kevin had spoken about was one of his own students. Kevin also had no idea about Tom, and is thrilled to find the man that had won his heart months earlier.
Now there are two things going on that might out Tom to the school and the town. To say he’s freaked out is an understatement.
While the story around how out Tom will allow himself to become is the primary story, getting Rent off the ground in this conservative town gets a fair amount of time as well. We get to see auditions, the initial parents meetings, rehearsals and how the students cope as the some of the more outspoken people in town work to get the production shut down. I’d love to see a YA novel spun out from this. The students’ story would be great to read becuase there is one incredible group of kids working on this production. Admit One is not suitable for a middle school/high school audience because of the sex scenes. A book spin-off, however, could stand on its own without making reference to this book’s erotic moments.
I was angry with Tom for a lot of this book. His reluctance to come out of the closet (even though he wants to as the quote above indicates) and open himself up to Kevin was incredibly frustrating. As I was reading the early chapters I was annoyed because Tom was so full of self loathing that he’s exactly the type of person that plays into the religious right’s agenda becuase Tom is exactly how they’d like us to be–so full of sadness and loneliness that we are shut away from life. Sinclair, however, has crafted such a rich, multi-faceted character that not everything about Tom is what it seems on the surface. By the end of the book I’d laughed, I cried, I was angry at myself for being so hard on Tom. Most importantly I was left extremely satisfied.
Admit One is on the shortlist of the very best books that I’ve read in 2009.
I’m so glad I did. This was a wonderful, multi-layered book.
Tom Smith teaches high school history in Gunning, Texas, a small, conservative town. Tom is very closeted, traveling for hours to Houston or Abilene so he can be himself away from prying eyes. On one of those trips, he meets Kevin and becomes taken with this handsome man. So much so that he breaks his own rule about never hooking up with the same man twice.
Tom gets a one-two punch when he finds out his school is doing Rent and that he’s going to be the assistant director (he didn’t expect the school would get permission for it when he’d say “yes” to the position the previous spring) and Kevin turns up as a parent for one of the cast members. Tom had no idea that the daughter Kevin had spoken about was one of his own students. Kevin also had no idea about Tom, and is thrilled to find the man that had won his heart months earlier.
Now there are two things going on that might out Tom to the school and the town. To say he’s freaked out is an understatement.
While the story around how out Tom will allow himself to become is the primary story, getting Rent off the ground in this conservative town gets a fair amount of time as well. We get to see auditions, the initial parents meetings, rehearsals and how the students cope as the some of the more outspoken people in town work to get the production shut down. I’d love to see a YA novel spun out from this. The students’ story would be great to read becuase there is one incredible group of kids working on this production. Admit One is not suitable for a middle school/high school audience because of the sex scenes. A book spin-off, however, could stand on its own without making reference to this book’s erotic moments.
I was angry with Tom for a lot of this book. His reluctance to come out of the closet (even though he wants to as the quote above indicates) and open himself up to Kevin was incredibly frustrating. As I was reading the early chapters I was annoyed because Tom was so full of self loathing that he’s exactly the type of person that plays into the religious right’s agenda becuase Tom is exactly how they’d like us to be–so full of sadness and loneliness that we are shut away from life. Sinclair, however, has crafted such a rich, multi-faceted character that not everything about Tom is what it seems on the surface. By the end of the book I’d laughed, I cried, I was angry at myself for being so hard on Tom. Most importantly I was left extremely satisfied.
Admit One is on the shortlist of the very best books that I’ve read in 2009.
February 28, 2011
Wow. Just amazing. This is the kind of story that reminds me why I love m/m fiction so much - it could only have happened between two men, with the personal and social dynamics that make m/m unique. I won't reprise the plot again; others have done that better than I could, but I kept getting stunned by a phrase, a description, a conversation that rang so true, I felt I was in the room with the characters. It's not a blindingly original plot: closeted character meets chance hookup in his home town; teacher supporting kids who are willing to buck small-town prejudice and learn their own strengths; love of a good man overcoming past trauma and fear; but the way these are combined and the authenticity of the characters make "Admit One" a story I will wholeheartedly recommend. To anyone who will stand still long enough to listen.
And I usually HATE it when authors get you all wrapped up in a character, and then reveal something so heinous in their past that you have no defense against the outrage and pain you feel for them...ok, I still hated it, but the reveal and the resolution bring all of Tom's agonizing over his relationship with Kevin into focus, and what had seemed like neurotic repetition of personal weaknesses becomes a way to define the dimension of Tom's triumph over his past and what he has let himself become. (jeez, I hope that didn't sound pretentious, but this really is a profound story that keeps resonating in your head long after you finish reading it)
Anyway, if you've read it, you know what I mean, and if you haven't, quit reading the reviews and go read the real thing. You'll be glad you did.
And you'll go see "Rent".
And I usually HATE it when authors get you all wrapped up in a character, and then reveal something so heinous in their past that you have no defense against the outrage and pain you feel for them...ok, I still hated it, but the reveal and the resolution bring all of Tom's agonizing over his relationship with Kevin into focus, and what had seemed like neurotic repetition of personal weaknesses becomes a way to define the dimension of Tom's triumph over his past and what he has let himself become. (jeez, I hope that didn't sound pretentious, but this really is a profound story that keeps resonating in your head long after you finish reading it)
Anyway, if you've read it, you know what I mean, and if you haven't, quit reading the reviews and go read the real thing. You'll be glad you did.
And you'll go see "Rent".
May 29, 2012
I don't quite know what to say about this book, or even how many stars to give. I'll go in the middle or something. It was good, but it wasn't good. At least not for me.
The closest I can get to describing my unease with this book is that it felt like a made-for-tv-movie. While it wasn't quite 100 on a scale of 1 to Amy Lane, it was close enough that it felt like the writer really. wanted. to. make. me. FEEL. it. Cry, you beeyatch! And then everyone pulled through and banded together and important lessons were learned and the children will make the future be a better place for all of us. Not completely rainbows and unicorns, the writer is too smart to make that mistake, but the whole thing was just a little too skilled, too polished, too neat. Made for TV, like I said.
The closest I can get to describing my unease with this book is that it felt like a made-for-tv-movie. While it wasn't quite 100 on a scale of 1 to Amy Lane, it was close enough that it felt like the writer really. wanted. to. make. me. FEEL. it. Cry, you beeyatch! And then everyone pulled through and banded together and important lessons were learned and the children will make the future be a better place for all of us. Not completely rainbows and unicorns, the writer is too smart to make that mistake, but the whole thing was just a little too skilled, too polished, too neat. Made for TV, like I said.
April 16, 2013
This is the story of Tom, a man with a traumatic past, who has put his life on hold for the last 16 years. Kevin is the man who starts to break through the walls that Tom as built around himself.
Tom develops feelings for Kevin but is frightened to let him come too close. In the past he has only had one night stands, separating his day-to-day life from his sex life. He has not had a romantic relationship, or any other real relationship, since he was in college. He believes they can't have a future together "It wasn't fair what I was putting him through, or what I was allowing myself to endure. Wanting and having were two different things. A hope resurrected was the strongest of all... and the most painful to kill."
Kevin pushes Tom and gives him the opportunity to change is life, an option of a new future. He wants Tom to live his life, not merely exist. "... I want you to reach for the life you deserve."
In this book, Tom has a lot to deal with. A history teacher, he is forced to assist with the high school production of Rent (although modified for the high school audience). This brings many of his fears to the surface as there is much controversy about the appropriateness of the play. This is a small town with many vocal opponents who don't approve of the gay themes, characters with AIDS and drug use. It is interesting to compare the way Tom leads his life with some of the themes from the play and to see the contrast in how the high school kids handle themselves.
Yes, there is a happy ending.
Tom develops feelings for Kevin but is frightened to let him come too close. In the past he has only had one night stands, separating his day-to-day life from his sex life. He has not had a romantic relationship, or any other real relationship, since he was in college. He believes they can't have a future together "It wasn't fair what I was putting him through, or what I was allowing myself to endure. Wanting and having were two different things. A hope resurrected was the strongest of all... and the most painful to kill."
Kevin pushes Tom and gives him the opportunity to change is life, an option of a new future. He wants Tom to live his life, not merely exist. "... I want you to reach for the life you deserve."
In this book, Tom has a lot to deal with. A history teacher, he is forced to assist with the high school production of Rent (although modified for the high school audience). This brings many of his fears to the surface as there is much controversy about the appropriateness of the play. This is a small town with many vocal opponents who don't approve of the gay themes, characters with AIDS and drug use. It is interesting to compare the way Tom leads his life with some of the themes from the play and to see the contrast in how the high school kids handle themselves.
Yes, there is a happy ending.
October 20, 2011
First I'd like to say that I don't want to discourage anyone from reading this book :)
* * *
I finished it. I'm a little puzzled, I really don't know what to say... Maybe only that:
With the number of pages I read I was more and more frustrated with Tom's behavior. I didn't know what happend to him, only that it was ugly. When I finally found out I was shocked. I really don't know how I acted in his place... I appreciate his progress and that he began to heal and to change his attitude slowly.
I admire Kevin's patience and his quiet determination with which he slowly forced Tom to change. I am pleased with his commitment to live as he desires and deserves.
I would really like to believe that these two will succeed in their relationship. But I just don't see their bright future...
* * *
I finished it. I'm a little puzzled, I really don't know what to say... Maybe only that:
With the number of pages I read I was more and more frustrated with Tom's behavior. I didn't know what happend to him, only that it was ugly. When I finally found out I was shocked. I really don't know how I acted in his place... I appreciate his progress and that he began to heal and to change his attitude slowly.
I admire Kevin's patience and his quiet determination with which he slowly forced Tom to change. I am pleased with his commitment to live as he desires and deserves.
I would really like to believe that these two will succeed in their relationship. But I just don't see their bright future...
December 30, 2013
I just reread this book, and it still remains one of my favorites. This is such a well-written book, with realistic dialogue and wonderful characters, who experience real growth in the course of the novel. One thing I love is the relationship between the adults and the high school students, who are the actors in the high school version of Rent. The kids don't take over the story line, and the adults for the most part worry about them but keep their distance. It is nice to have the perspective of the teachers and mentors. I hope Jenna Hilary Sinclair writes another full-length book. She is very talented.
---previous review
Loved this book, and it is going to be M/M Romance's April Book of the Month. Yeah! Hopefully, we will have more books by this author.
---previous review
Loved this book, and it is going to be M/M Romance's April Book of the Month. Yeah! Hopefully, we will have more books by this author.
May 22, 2012
You lot didn't see this 5star coming, after the rant-party in my status updates, did you? ^.^
It's a long time since I've read a book in this genre that have such a gutpunch to it as this one. At points I was highly annoyed with the narrator, and I was infuriated with the community of the small Texas town. But more than that, the main characters are wonderfully drawn, the country is vividly painted, and the story is one of a kind. It broke my heart and gave me hope :)
I'm not going to try and write a proper review, since there's so many good ones already, and I agree with most of them, mainly the ones where the point is that this is a really good book.
It's a long time since I've read a book in this genre that have such a gutpunch to it as this one. At points I was highly annoyed with the narrator, and I was infuriated with the community of the small Texas town. But more than that, the main characters are wonderfully drawn, the country is vividly painted, and the story is one of a kind. It broke my heart and gave me hope :)
I'm not going to try and write a proper review, since there's so many good ones already, and I agree with most of them, mainly the ones where the point is that this is a really good book.
March 5, 2017
A long, slow look at the change wrought in a middle-aged man who falls in love
Warning: This review might contain what some people consider SPOILERS.
Rating: 9/10
PROS:
- The depth of characterization here is above and beyond what I have read recently in this genre. The romance moves slowly, the characters’ motivations are revealed bits at a time, and the change in Tom comes about so gradually that it’s difficult to determine precisely which external factors lead to which changes in his thought processes.
- Kevin’s patience and persistence with Tom are near saintly.
- The author captures the geographical location(s) of her story well--not just Texas in general, but also several Texas towns/cities and state parks specifically.
CON:
- As much as I understood the reason for Tom’s actions, that didn’t prevent me from getting exasperated with him. It was hard to watch him torture himself (and Kevin) when I kept thinking that he could simply live and teach in a different, more accepting city.
Overall comments: There’s more depth to this story than there is to a lot of m/m stories out there: it’s long, and we see very clearly where Tom is coming from--what drives him, what he fears, what he desires. It’s not always pleasant, but I did find the ending worth the unpleasantness once he finally works through the pain in his life and decides to move forward with Kevin.
Warning: This review might contain what some people consider SPOILERS.
Rating: 9/10
PROS:
- The depth of characterization here is above and beyond what I have read recently in this genre. The romance moves slowly, the characters’ motivations are revealed bits at a time, and the change in Tom comes about so gradually that it’s difficult to determine precisely which external factors lead to which changes in his thought processes.
- Kevin’s patience and persistence with Tom are near saintly.
- The author captures the geographical location(s) of her story well--not just Texas in general, but also several Texas towns/cities and state parks specifically.
CON:
- As much as I understood the reason for Tom’s actions, that didn’t prevent me from getting exasperated with him. It was hard to watch him torture himself (and Kevin) when I kept thinking that he could simply live and teach in a different, more accepting city.
Overall comments: There’s more depth to this story than there is to a lot of m/m stories out there: it’s long, and we see very clearly where Tom is coming from--what drives him, what he fears, what he desires. It’s not always pleasant, but I did find the ending worth the unpleasantness once he finally works through the pain in his life and decides to move forward with Kevin.
May 16, 2014
Here’s where I run into trouble. This story is fantastically well written and I enjoyed it. In fact it’s even very believable. Here’s the but though. Even though I understood why, I still wanted to smack one of the main characters for 90% of the book. It’s the only thing keeping this from being a 5 star read for me.
Tom Smith has spent most of his life hiding his preferences and burying any thoughts of ever being able to have someone permanent in his life. As a high school teacher in small town Texas being open about his sexuality is pretty much a non-starter. Not if he wants to keep his job at least. And, well, Tom loves teaching. He has his own painful reminders of why it’s even more important he be smart about this decision. So instead Tom clings to his secret weekends away in the anonymous city with his one-night hook ups every couple of months. He’s never had a repeat before, but when he bumps into Kevin Bannerman again at the club a second time is just too tempting to resist.
Kevin Bannerman knows he has to be careful with his sexuality as a banker in Texas, but the people closest to him know. He’s been fine with his occasional hookups out of town. But one man has stuck in his brain. Tom “Smith,” who may not have even given Kevin his real last name, has been under his skin and after their second accidental meeting Kevin had really hoped that Tom would take his number. Kevin is tired of living life hidden away and if he could find something real he is ready to give it a shot. Walking into a meeting at his daughter’s high school about the controversial production of Rent they are putting together and seeing Tom is a complete and utter shock. But it just may be the best thing that’s ever happened to Kevin.
Even though this book is told from Tom’s POV I really liked Kevin. I loved how he pushed Tom to come out of his shell and reach for the things he truly wants. Kevin is just such a good caring guy and willing to do what is necessary to have what he wants. Yet he understands that sometimes that requires sacrifice and that life isn’t truly perfect. He’s human in that he’s impatient and keeps trying to push Tom farther than maybe he’s ready for, but when he finds out the details of Tom’s path his empathy is wonderful.
Tom made me want to bang my head on a desk repeatedly. That’s not to say I didn’t like him, I did. I understand his pain and his fear especially after we finally find out what had happened to him, how he hurt his arm. But you could just see how much Kevin loved him and how much he returned that love and you just wanted him to reach out and try to have the happy life. He wanted it, it was such an ache inside him, but the terror of the pain that could come drowned out that little voice for so long. I identified with Tom and understood where all of his fear came from. I just wanted to shake it out of him and say GO! Take the man you love and life happily. Be free and embrace life!
I really enjoyed the way Ms. Sinclair used the vehicle of the play to highlight the things Tom wasn’t allowing himself. It really brought into stark relief his own thought patterns and gave a concrete obstacle to his fear. It was easy to hide when there was nothing rocking the boat. Once the boat starts though Tom was stuck on a ride for which there was no easy way off. The side stories with the kids were lovely as well. They accented the main storyline in a beautiful way and really made Tom think about his own decisions. If I had one little complaint it’s that But that’s my own little plot issue. :D
All in all I really enjoyed this book and I will definitely look for more from the author. The little things that bothered me had more to do with personal mental screaming at a character to seize the day than any issue with the book. They were very right for what Tom had gone through in his life. He’s been through so much pain and anguish and never really dealt with it all. Kevin throws that into stark relief and finally makes Tom confront his past. Together they can move forward and Tom can really heal. Beautiful story and a solid 4.5 stars!
Tom Smith has spent most of his life hiding his preferences and burying any thoughts of ever being able to have someone permanent in his life. As a high school teacher in small town Texas being open about his sexuality is pretty much a non-starter. Not if he wants to keep his job at least. And, well, Tom loves teaching. He has his own painful reminders of why it’s even more important he be smart about this decision. So instead Tom clings to his secret weekends away in the anonymous city with his one-night hook ups every couple of months. He’s never had a repeat before, but when he bumps into Kevin Bannerman again at the club a second time is just too tempting to resist.
Kevin Bannerman knows he has to be careful with his sexuality as a banker in Texas, but the people closest to him know. He’s been fine with his occasional hookups out of town. But one man has stuck in his brain. Tom “Smith,” who may not have even given Kevin his real last name, has been under his skin and after their second accidental meeting Kevin had really hoped that Tom would take his number. Kevin is tired of living life hidden away and if he could find something real he is ready to give it a shot. Walking into a meeting at his daughter’s high school about the controversial production of Rent they are putting together and seeing Tom is a complete and utter shock. But it just may be the best thing that’s ever happened to Kevin.
Even though this book is told from Tom’s POV I really liked Kevin. I loved how he pushed Tom to come out of his shell and reach for the things he truly wants. Kevin is just such a good caring guy and willing to do what is necessary to have what he wants. Yet he understands that sometimes that requires sacrifice and that life isn’t truly perfect. He’s human in that he’s impatient and keeps trying to push Tom farther than maybe he’s ready for, but when he finds out the details of Tom’s path his empathy is wonderful.
Tom made me want to bang my head on a desk repeatedly. That’s not to say I didn’t like him, I did. I understand his pain and his fear especially after we finally find out what had happened to him, how he hurt his arm. But you could just see how much Kevin loved him and how much he returned that love and you just wanted him to reach out and try to have the happy life. He wanted it, it was such an ache inside him, but the terror of the pain that could come drowned out that little voice for so long. I identified with Tom and understood where all of his fear came from. I just wanted to shake it out of him and say GO! Take the man you love and life happily. Be free and embrace life!
I really enjoyed the way Ms. Sinclair used the vehicle of the play to highlight the things Tom wasn’t allowing himself. It really brought into stark relief his own thought patterns and gave a concrete obstacle to his fear. It was easy to hide when there was nothing rocking the boat. Once the boat starts though Tom was stuck on a ride for which there was no easy way off. The side stories with the kids were lovely as well. They accented the main storyline in a beautiful way and really made Tom think about his own decisions. If I had one little complaint it’s that But that’s my own little plot issue. :D
All in all I really enjoyed this book and I will definitely look for more from the author. The little things that bothered me had more to do with personal mental screaming at a character to seize the day than any issue with the book. They were very right for what Tom had gone through in his life. He’s been through so much pain and anguish and never really dealt with it all. Kevin throws that into stark relief and finally makes Tom confront his past. Together they can move forward and Tom can really heal. Beautiful story and a solid 4.5 stars!
November 2, 2014
So I first read the blurb of this book a while back, probably almost a year ago. I passed it by because the blurb didn't catch me, which if you know me is weird. I work in theatre. It's what I do, I have tons of friends that have worked on Rent either on Broadway, on tours or regionally. I think the story of Jonathan Larson is a bittersweet story in and of itself. But I was like, "Rent? In High School? No thanks." I know I got caught up in professional snobbery. I admit it. I have put this book on countless challenge lists and then when it came time to read it, I always changed it. The last time I had gotten as far as purchasing it so now it was just sitting collecting cyber dust in my ereader. This year I am facing a professional crisis, as in I'm unsure if I want to keep plugging along in my occupation or do something really different. Anyway, when I put this book on my challenge, the blurb caught something in me and I decided maybe it was time.
So, now you know about me, let's chat about the book. Tom Smith, high school history teacher, closeted gay man in very small town conservative Texas sneaks away a few time a year to meet nameless men to satiate his physical needs and spend the rest of his time hiding from everything... himself, his sexuality, his life. On one trip he meets Kevin, an unassuming banker who slowly begins to chip away at the wall he builds around himself. And after a few chance meetings, Tom walks away, unwilling and unable to risk any more of himself. Then fate gives him one more chance and Tom has to decide how much he can take without losing Kevin or himself.
This all plays out against the backdrop of the high school's production of Rent. (I admit, I had no idea there was a high school version, but I'm intrigued and I would like to see one. If you are interested you can go to the leasing company's website and they will tell you when and where it's being performed.) George, the high school drama teacher has decided to try his hand at pushing the envelope by putting on this show, stressing the theme of love and acceptance and life. But he is faced with objections at every turn. I really like George. He reminds me of my high school theatre teacher, JH. (that's really what we called him). I went to a large catholic school on Long Island and his never shied away from anything. We pushed the high school envelope when I was there almost 20 years ago and I believe were he still teaching, he'd be doing Rent too.
Anyway, Tom unwillingly ends up as the assistant director on the show because of his background in counseling. He fears that people will make assumptions about him because of his involvement but ironically he seems to be missing the lesson of show. The show is met with close-minded fear and anger and with some unexpected support.
I'll leave it at that, you just have to read it. Clearly this story touch so many personal things for me that my review will be meaningless to you. But like theatre, and the show presented in this book, this story is open for individual interpretation, but in the end, the theme is love.
So, now you know about me, let's chat about the book. Tom Smith, high school history teacher, closeted gay man in very small town conservative Texas sneaks away a few time a year to meet nameless men to satiate his physical needs and spend the rest of his time hiding from everything... himself, his sexuality, his life. On one trip he meets Kevin, an unassuming banker who slowly begins to chip away at the wall he builds around himself. And after a few chance meetings, Tom walks away, unwilling and unable to risk any more of himself. Then fate gives him one more chance and Tom has to decide how much he can take without losing Kevin or himself.
This all plays out against the backdrop of the high school's production of Rent. (I admit, I had no idea there was a high school version, but I'm intrigued and I would like to see one. If you are interested you can go to the leasing company's website and they will tell you when and where it's being performed.) George, the high school drama teacher has decided to try his hand at pushing the envelope by putting on this show, stressing the theme of love and acceptance and life. But he is faced with objections at every turn. I really like George. He reminds me of my high school theatre teacher, JH. (that's really what we called him). I went to a large catholic school on Long Island and his never shied away from anything. We pushed the high school envelope when I was there almost 20 years ago and I believe were he still teaching, he'd be doing Rent too.
Anyway, Tom unwillingly ends up as the assistant director on the show because of his background in counseling. He fears that people will make assumptions about him because of his involvement but ironically he seems to be missing the lesson of show. The show is met with close-minded fear and anger and with some unexpected support.
I'll leave it at that, you just have to read it. Clearly this story touch so many personal things for me that my review will be meaningless to you. But like theatre, and the show presented in this book, this story is open for individual interpretation, but in the end, the theme is love.
June 17, 2011
If there was a way to give more than 5 stars to a book, this would be the one I'd do it for. The author is brilliant. She manages to give us a full-body experience in this book. I felt all the sensations described, the feelings depicted, without ONCE resorting to the tried-and-true approach most other authors use, which is a lot of 'telling' with very little 'showing'. Just writing about it gives me goose bumps.
All the characters rang true, and great characters are what makes a memorable experience for me. Tom and Kevin's story is probably similar to that of many real-life men, maybe less dramatic, maybe more. Truth is stranger than fiction, after all. That is what grabbed me and wouldn't let go.
Maybe my reaction is related to the fact I have a lesbian daughter, and remember what high school was like for her. Maybe it's just the normal reaction for anyone with a developed sense of empathy. Whatever it is, this is one book I won't be forgetting soon, and will probably re-read pretty often.
Now I'm going in search of more books by Ms. Sinclair. Genius like this is rare, and I want more.
All the characters rang true, and great characters are what makes a memorable experience for me. Tom and Kevin's story is probably similar to that of many real-life men, maybe less dramatic, maybe more. Truth is stranger than fiction, after all. That is what grabbed me and wouldn't let go.
Maybe my reaction is related to the fact I have a lesbian daughter, and remember what high school was like for her. Maybe it's just the normal reaction for anyone with a developed sense of empathy. Whatever it is, this is one book I won't be forgetting soon, and will probably re-read pretty often.
Now I'm going in search of more books by Ms. Sinclair. Genius like this is rare, and I want more.
November 17, 2009
A really angst-filled and realistic love story of small town homophobia. I especially liked the mystery element in the story, readers know there's more to the protagonist's past, but it's only revealed in devastating and full-force at the appropriate time. I would have given it 4.75 stars, if possible in this website :) My only minor complaint is that I thought the story might be more suited in third-person narration with single POV (it's first person narration in the book), but this doesn't really affect my enjoyment and the satisfaction at the end of the book. Very well done.
April 18, 2011
Wow. This m/m romance gutted me, because it was such a powerful read. And yet... I can't tell you much about it, because part of its power and impact is in how the story develops and in how things are revealed. At the most simple level, it's the story of a deeply closeted high school teacher in conservative rural Texas, who very occasionally drives to Houston to hook up with someone - but never the same someone twice. It's a story of being afraid, of having extremely valid reasons to be afraid, and of living a life so constrained by those fears as to barely be alive.
July 8, 2011
A really well-paced story of Tom, high-school teacher damaged both physically and emotionally as a young man, finally reaching some healing. In Kevin, he finds someone who makes the climb back to living life and taking risks worthwhile. The writing was excellent and the characters complex and consistent. Definitely recommended.
Shelved as 'dnf'
May 28, 2012No idea why but I can`t stand this book and its characters.
December 5, 2011
Just wow! Great story, real, lovable characters, amazing dialog and my favorite, an emotional and deep narrative. I couldn't help but cry, laugh and sympathize with everything and everyone.
July 3, 2012
I can't express adequately how this book has made me feel. Suffice it to say, huge thanks to the fabulous Karen for the recommendation as this was amazing.
February 3, 2014
Dear God. I really, really, really, really, really wanted to like this book, but it just annoyed and frustrated me to no end.
The concept is fantastic:
Tom Smith is a 38-year-old man who lives deep, deep in the closet, largely because he's a high school history teacher in a tiny (fictional) West Texas town. He lives his life terrified that his secret will be discovered and his life and job he loves will be destroyed. But, as a result, he's lonely, starved for companionship--and sex--the latter of which he manages to satisfy on occasional weekend trips to Houston.
On one of these trips, Tom picks up Kevin Bannerman at the gay bar and they spend the night together. It's a great hookup, but Tom has too many fears and defenses in place to do anything more than a one-night stand.
However, on his next trip to Houston, he again runs into Kevin, and despite his usual "one-night only" rule, he agrees to spend another night with Kevin, and the next day, dinner. Kevin wants to exchange numbers, but Tom is too afraid and leaves in a hurry. Then spends months regretting the decision.
I love the concept of the closeted guy in a small town, especially once set it West Texas, because I'm pretty familiar with the area, and you don't see too many M/M romances set in Texas (unless they're cowboy stuff, which I don't care for). There was so much about this book I wanted to love, that I should have loved, but I just couldn't.
Why?
One reason: the coincidence of how Tom and Kevin reunite was just too much for me to swallow as credible. It's so hard to believe that even Tom keeps wondering if Kevin had stalked him. If even your main character has trouble believing something isn't just a plot device, what hope do you have for your reader?
But, in fairness, I could let that go. That wasn't the thing that bothered me the most about the book. What did? Tom. I desperately wanted to like Tom. He should have been a sympathetic character whom, even if you couldn't understand why he acted the way he did, you could at least realize why he lived in constant fear. It's not easy to live in rural Texas as a gay man.
But the problem was, first of all, his narrative voice was just . . . too much. Firstly, I felt like the book should have been about 30-40% shorter than it was. Normally, I honestly have no problem with longer books--in fact, I often openly seek them out--but this author never said something once when it could be said thirteen times. And for someone who was supposedly so broken and in such denial, he was far too self aware.
Related to this, the book doesn't believe in subtly, as if its readers can't possibly make connections themselves, but have to have every symbol or image explained until we repeat, "Yes, we get it!" in unison. A sign of a great writer is that they make writing appear effortless. This doesn't mean there isn't an immense amount of work and craft put into a novel, but rather, that that work is transparent, because everything works beautifully. That isn't true here, and no where is it more egregious than the fact that the book revolves around the production of Rent.
In concept, I like the idea. Really like it, that the theater teacher is determined to put on such a controversial play--and one that deals with homosexuality so openly--including same-sex kissing on stage. I like that this forces Tom into that tricky place where his safe little pre-existing condition is put at risk. Despite my issues with believability, I like that the play as a vehicle to bring Tom and Kevin closer together.
However, instead of blending the conflict of Tom struggling with his past, his budding relationship with Kevin, and the possibility of being outed (along with the conflict of putting on such a controversial play in such a conservative, religious town), the author feels the need to beat us over the head with it. As a result, instead of feeling moved by most of the story, I found myself skimming and rolling my eyes. In fact--I was generally more touched by the subtle relationship between Robbie and Steven (who play the two gay characters in Rent) than I was by Keven and Tom.
My other major grievance with the book was that for all its overdone length, it still felt like the author kept too much back from us. For example, Tom's left arm is "crippled" (to use his words), which we find out piecemeal, but it frustrated me to know end that despite the fact that Tom is the narrator, we NEVER get a good idea of the extent of his injury. I understand holding back how he was injured, but not even describing how much functionality or sensation he has? Likewise, we don't even get an idea of what Tom looks like until 50% in to the book. Halfway through. Really?? And then, at that point, it felt almost like the author was like, "Oh, crap! I better write in what he looks like!" *Sigh*
My biggest pet peeve, though, is that when you finally learn Tom's full backstory, it feels like something the author came up with at the end and it doesn't fit in properly with how Tom has been portrayed up until that point of the book. Again, like with the overly serendipitous reunion between the two main characters, the author, and therefore, Tom, feels as if he needs to laboriously explain his contradictory behavior away.
The reason this is such a big problem for me is it takes away my ability to connect and sympathize with Tom even more, and it feels incredibly contrived. I just felt like too often the book wasn't trying hard enough, and the rest of the time, it was trying way too fucking hard.
I was also a bit disappointed (especially since Tom brings it up several times) that we never find out what happened to Sean (his college boyfriend). I almost felt like Tom needed that as part of his recovery/healing process/change, and it didn't happen.
My final major issue with the book was related, tangentially, to a lot of my other complaints--and that was the setting. Having lived in Houston for several years and traveled across Texas many times, and spent a lot of time in SE New Mexico small towns (which is essentially West Texas), I felt really frustrated a lot of the time by how the setting was handled. For example, I was bewildered as to why Tom (and Kevin, for that matter, who had been living in Baton Rouge) went to Houston for their sex weekends. Though it's never clear where exactly in West Texas the fictional towns are located, presumably they are a few hours west of Abilene, which would potentially put Houston as a half day's drive. Why not go to Austin? Or Dallas (which has a significant gay community compared to Houston, especially), which are more readily accessible? (AGAIN, the author, at the end, kind of sticks in a moderate backstory explanation for why he went to Houston, but I could have used some kind of hint earlier. Even a simple sentence, like, "Houston was a twelve-hour drive, but that meant 300 miles of cushion between anyone who knew me and the life I kept secret from them.")
What ended up happening is I immediately wondered if the author was really familiar with Texas and Texas cities. Houston barely exists for people in West Texas, because it's just that far away. It seemed bizarre that it kept being brought up (like one of the parents admits they go to Houston to see Broadway shows... Uh, why not go to Austin, which has a lot more culture and is a lot closer?)
I also felt this loss when it came to the town itself. I had no problem with the author using fictional towns, but I kept craving some clue as to WHY Tom put himself through everything he did to live in that tiny town. Yeah, he was from West Texas originally (well, the panhandle), but I kept expecting some legitimate, rich picture of small-town life that he loved and was willing to do what he had to do to live there. Instead, all we get are a few generic statements like "people will help you out (as long as they don't know you're gay)." The closet we get to any explanation is when .
We do get a bit of a reasoning for his living in the town once his backstory is revealed, but again, the author kept too much back for too long. I really missed the vividness of the setting that I had expected. It pops up occasionally, but it was just one more thing that continued to irk me about the book.
The book DID do a few things right: one was the slow build of romance/friendship between Kevin and Tom. Another was the author is obviously familiar with being a teacher and school plays--so Tom was very believable in that aspect. The last one, and one I do have to compliment the author on--was portraying anal sex with someone who is inexperienced/hasn't done it--realistically. It might, in fact, be the best portrayal of a "de-virginizing" type scene that I've read yet in M/M fiction.
However, I was profoundly disappointed by this book. I kept wanting to love it, because I really adore the concept, but ultimately, when I finished it, instead of feeling satisfied, happy, or whatever, I just felt relieved that it was finally over.
The concept is fantastic:
Tom Smith is a 38-year-old man who lives deep, deep in the closet, largely because he's a high school history teacher in a tiny (fictional) West Texas town. He lives his life terrified that his secret will be discovered and his life and job he loves will be destroyed. But, as a result, he's lonely, starved for companionship--and sex--the latter of which he manages to satisfy on occasional weekend trips to Houston.
On one of these trips, Tom picks up Kevin Bannerman at the gay bar and they spend the night together. It's a great hookup, but Tom has too many fears and defenses in place to do anything more than a one-night stand.
However, on his next trip to Houston, he again runs into Kevin, and despite his usual "one-night only" rule, he agrees to spend another night with Kevin, and the next day, dinner. Kevin wants to exchange numbers, but Tom is too afraid and leaves in a hurry. Then spends months regretting the decision.
I love the concept of the closeted guy in a small town, especially once set it West Texas, because I'm pretty familiar with the area, and you don't see too many M/M romances set in Texas (unless they're cowboy stuff, which I don't care for). There was so much about this book I wanted to love, that I should have loved, but I just couldn't.
Why?
One reason: the coincidence of how Tom and Kevin reunite was just too much for me to swallow as credible. It's so hard to believe that even Tom keeps wondering if Kevin had stalked him. If even your main character has trouble believing something isn't just a plot device, what hope do you have for your reader?
But, in fairness, I could let that go. That wasn't the thing that bothered me the most about the book. What did? Tom. I desperately wanted to like Tom. He should have been a sympathetic character whom, even if you couldn't understand why he acted the way he did, you could at least realize why he lived in constant fear. It's not easy to live in rural Texas as a gay man.
But the problem was, first of all, his narrative voice was just . . . too much. Firstly, I felt like the book should have been about 30-40% shorter than it was. Normally, I honestly have no problem with longer books--in fact, I often openly seek them out--but this author never said something once when it could be said thirteen times. And for someone who was supposedly so broken and in such denial, he was far too self aware.
Related to this, the book doesn't believe in subtly, as if its readers can't possibly make connections themselves, but have to have every symbol or image explained until we repeat, "Yes, we get it!" in unison. A sign of a great writer is that they make writing appear effortless. This doesn't mean there isn't an immense amount of work and craft put into a novel, but rather, that that work is transparent, because everything works beautifully. That isn't true here, and no where is it more egregious than the fact that the book revolves around the production of Rent.
In concept, I like the idea. Really like it, that the theater teacher is determined to put on such a controversial play--and one that deals with homosexuality so openly--including same-sex kissing on stage. I like that this forces Tom into that tricky place where his safe little pre-existing condition is put at risk. Despite my issues with believability, I like that the play as a vehicle to bring Tom and Kevin closer together.
However, instead of blending the conflict of Tom struggling with his past, his budding relationship with Kevin, and the possibility of being outed (along with the conflict of putting on such a controversial play in such a conservative, religious town), the author feels the need to beat us over the head with it. As a result, instead of feeling moved by most of the story, I found myself skimming and rolling my eyes. In fact--I was generally more touched by the subtle relationship between Robbie and Steven (who play the two gay characters in Rent) than I was by Keven and Tom.
My other major grievance with the book was that for all its overdone length, it still felt like the author kept too much back from us. For example, Tom's left arm is "crippled" (to use his words), which we find out piecemeal, but it frustrated me to know end that despite the fact that Tom is the narrator, we NEVER get a good idea of the extent of his injury. I understand holding back how he was injured, but not even describing how much functionality or sensation he has? Likewise, we don't even get an idea of what Tom looks like until 50% in to the book. Halfway through. Really?? And then, at that point, it felt almost like the author was like, "Oh, crap! I better write in what he looks like!" *Sigh*
My biggest pet peeve, though, is that when you finally learn Tom's full backstory, it feels like something the author came up with at the end and it doesn't fit in properly with how Tom has been portrayed up until that point of the book. Again, like with the overly serendipitous reunion between the two main characters, the author, and therefore, Tom, feels as if he needs to laboriously explain his contradictory behavior away.
The reason this is such a big problem for me is it takes away my ability to connect and sympathize with Tom even more, and it feels incredibly contrived. I just felt like too often the book wasn't trying hard enough, and the rest of the time, it was trying way too fucking hard.
I was also a bit disappointed (especially since Tom brings it up several times) that we never find out what happened to Sean (his college boyfriend). I almost felt like Tom needed that as part of his recovery/healing process/change, and it didn't happen.
My final major issue with the book was related, tangentially, to a lot of my other complaints--and that was the setting. Having lived in Houston for several years and traveled across Texas many times, and spent a lot of time in SE New Mexico small towns (which is essentially West Texas), I felt really frustrated a lot of the time by how the setting was handled. For example, I was bewildered as to why Tom (and Kevin, for that matter, who had been living in Baton Rouge) went to Houston for their sex weekends. Though it's never clear where exactly in West Texas the fictional towns are located, presumably they are a few hours west of Abilene, which would potentially put Houston as a half day's drive. Why not go to Austin? Or Dallas (which has a significant gay community compared to Houston, especially), which are more readily accessible? (AGAIN, the author, at the end, kind of sticks in a moderate backstory explanation for why he went to Houston, but I could have used some kind of hint earlier. Even a simple sentence, like, "Houston was a twelve-hour drive, but that meant 300 miles of cushion between anyone who knew me and the life I kept secret from them.")
What ended up happening is I immediately wondered if the author was really familiar with Texas and Texas cities. Houston barely exists for people in West Texas, because it's just that far away. It seemed bizarre that it kept being brought up (like one of the parents admits they go to Houston to see Broadway shows... Uh, why not go to Austin, which has a lot more culture and is a lot closer?)
I also felt this loss when it came to the town itself. I had no problem with the author using fictional towns, but I kept craving some clue as to WHY Tom put himself through everything he did to live in that tiny town. Yeah, he was from West Texas originally (well, the panhandle), but I kept expecting some legitimate, rich picture of small-town life that he loved and was willing to do what he had to do to live there. Instead, all we get are a few generic statements like "people will help you out (as long as they don't know you're gay)." The closet we get to any explanation is when .
We do get a bit of a reasoning for his living in the town once his backstory is revealed, but again, the author kept too much back for too long. I really missed the vividness of the setting that I had expected. It pops up occasionally, but it was just one more thing that continued to irk me about the book.
The book DID do a few things right: one was the slow build of romance/friendship between Kevin and Tom. Another was the author is obviously familiar with being a teacher and school plays--so Tom was very believable in that aspect. The last one, and one I do have to compliment the author on--was portraying anal sex with someone who is inexperienced/hasn't done it--realistically. It might, in fact, be the best portrayal of a "de-virginizing" type scene that I've read yet in M/M fiction.
However, I was profoundly disappointed by this book. I kept wanting to love it, because I really adore the concept, but ultimately, when I finished it, instead of feeling satisfied, happy, or whatever, I just felt relieved that it was finally over.
April 16, 2018
“I swallowed. “Can you imagine what it would be like if we could be honest?”
He took a breath that I could hear over the road noise. “I think the activists can. They must be able to see it somehow, and that’s what drives them. Thank God for them. I don’t have their strength. Or maybe the men who live in a gayborhood can see it, who can walk down the street holding their boyfriend’s hand and nobody cares. Have you ever done that, ever visited a place like that where we can be free?”
Wow... this book was quite a ride.
It was long, and slow for sure. But not in the worst way, it was a very, very slow burn. For some reason though, I was captivated. I did not give up on it because i knew that with this book you have to be patient. Take my slow sweet time with it. Because there is quite a lot of issues and topics that it covers, including trauma. The best way to describe this book is... it is very meaningful.
Tom was an extremely hard character to follow. He was stubborn most of the of the time, and i strongly disagreed with the ways he lead his life but i knew that this was realistic fiction after all and set in 2008, so things would work out in the end. But it really is not about the ending with books like this, really is not about the plot. It was a very character driven novel, heavily focused on Tom’s character development. How he overcame his fears, traumatic past, acceptance, and looking toward the future. I think everybody needs to read a book like this. It was empowering, and the subtle symbols, metaphors, irony, and motifs did not escape me :)
“Not one but three lizards went skittering across the path and paused right in front of us, going into the defensive if I don’t move you won’t be able to see me freeze that made no sense unless you were a dumb animal.” - so when i read this part i couldnt help but say HYPOCRITE!!
With a little more editing and less tell and more show this book can definitely be a high quality read.
Yeah... so despite all the thoughts that ran through my head i’m racking my brain trying to come up with SOMETHING. I dont know why i cant seem to put my thoughts about this book down. Because im empty. I just feel serene... and calm. Well this is going to be a terrible book review sorry. Dont get me wrong it was an amazing book. I just..l i feel like it said SO MUCH that i dont really need to speak for it.
Im just... proud of Tom, I learned a little bit about life and fear and all that too. So i learned that sometimes cowards are the ones who strike first, and choose to hurt other people. I learned that the courageous ones are usually those who choose to look past the prejudice and still love at the end if the day. Aha! Theres my train if thought again. I really liked how the author beautifully wove Rent and its themes into the story and into Tom’s life. It was like a crescendo....the production of Rent ebbed and flowed, just like Tom and how he slowly opened up or shut down with Kevin. If that makes any sense. I have never ever read or watched Rent in my entire life, but damn it sounds like it shook a lot of things up. Thats another things i love about the book: the message. As cliche as that sounds.
It wasnt that intrusive totally unrealistic THINGS GET BETTER! Way of getting it across. It was more like, yeah life is not a walk in the park for a lot of people but you have to at least try to live it the way you want to. I know that there are plenty of people in this world, gay or straight or anything in between who are living on other people’s terms. This book presented the benefits of course of keeping your head down. It’s easier to play the blame game, and isolate yourself so you never get hurt again.
“Fuck you, Sean. Thanks for ruining my life. Asshole. Motherfucker. You made me like this. Without you, I’d go off with Kevin in a second. Instead I’m stuck in this cesspool of a life.”
There were several moments in the book, hell the entire book really, where the characters are not perfect. By “imperfect” i mean they were human. We dream of a fantasy world where things are better, where we might have been dealt with a different set of cards, oh if only if only i had been dealt a better hand i could be this, do this, be with this person:
“In the best of all possible worlds, you know, this wouldn’t be the end of our day together.”
Silent, and tensed to cut him off if I saw the flicker of another person anywhere near us, I simply looked at him.
“In the best of all possible worlds, we’d…. ” His voice had turned low, sultry, sexy, and instant heat streaked through me. “We’d go have a beer with those guys.”
But i couldnt help but want to crawl into their world and scream in their faces: BUT YOU’RE LIVING IN THIS WORLD! so make do! The character development never failed me though, i could not help but yippp with joy and a little bit of pride when in the end Tom says:
“In some other universe, or maybe in Texas a hundred years from then, he would have grabbed me in a hug and kissed me, and we would have laughed out loud, because he didn’t have to push me anymore. [...] But this wasn’t a hundred years from now. This was Gunning, Texas, in 2008, and freedom only reached so far. So instead, Kevin looked up at the ceiling and grinned. I watched him. My confident Kevin.”
However, some parts made my heart wrench because they hit home. As much we have come far, and some parts of the world are “progressive” this book harshly reminds us that in a lot of the world people are not accepting. Now that was a hard pill to swallow.
“Rebellion that I had not allowed for sixteen long years blasted past my defenses and rose in me, hard and strong. I wanted the ache, the sex, nights like this, and contented mornings all the time. I thought… I thought I wanted Kevin. I did. Why could some men have this when I couldn’t? Why could the straights have the intimacy, the comfort, the easy companionship that Kevin offered me when I had to turn away from it? Why did they reach for love and find it, when I’d walked down a long, difficult road feeling myself forced to deny it?
“Why can’t I have it?” I whispered.”
I've noticed i haven't been talking about the romance as much. That is because its just WONDERFUL. The sex scenes were steamy as hell but for the first time the sex scenes were like a supplementary part of developing their romance.
Another thing that struck me about this book, is its portrayal of adults versus children. Sometimes the adults seemed mature, other times the kids did. Sometimes there was a lot to be learned from the kids, other times, there was a lot to be learned from the adults. I think making Tom a teacher was perfect, because we were able to explore an environment where Tom’s hard edged cynicism constantly clashed with the hopeful optimistic kids. I loved how in the end, Tom seemed to realize:
“Remember what you accomplished tonight when you run into rough patches in your life, because everybody does. You can… get through it. You can find some way to make it good again.”
It is sooo tempting. Trust me, most days im too afraid to go out because i cant deal with the fast paced, life goes on attitude that everybody else just seems to gripped by the reins. But i know that running away never solved anything anyway. I think it took our Tom Smith sixteen years to realize it but better late than never right? I wouldn’t call his life a waste though, because it is alll part of the process.
You have to take your time with trauma. It is not an overnight healing. That message rang loud and clear in the book, Kevin as much as he made a lot things better for Tom. As much as he gave Tom the little push he needed to move on from the clusterfuck Sean was, Tom needed to do it all by himself. Realize it all by himself. You know? At what point in life do you throw your hands up say, shit im so done feeling so fucking sorry for myself im going to move on?
A little thrill flared up inside me every time Tom was like: fuck you sean!
Oh yeah, so this has to be said. Im sorry for my shitty watered down vocabulary but the best way to describe this book is that is WOKE AS FUCK. It needs to he said because this book very clearly shines a light on other perspectives other than the ones we think are right. Yes it is hilarious and a little ridiculous when we hear about church fanantics pray over homosexuals, but thats what they believe in and if we ridicule them and call them names us liberals are no more open minded or more educated than those who preach hate. Because Tom makes really good points, as much as it sucks to hear that,
“They’re just a couple of homophobic bigots!” Steven said
“Name-calling never solved a single problem in this world,” I said as mildly as I could.
I’d been through my own period of wanting to call names, during the time when my family had turned their backs on me just when I had needed them most. If my brother Grant hadn’t helped the way he had—though we’d never talked about what was most important—I had sometimes thought I would have put a gun to my head. But what would it have gained me to scream at the people who were afraid of the differences I represented? I had pushed the angry words down so deeply that they’d never, ever emerged, not once in all these years. They were still there though, captured.
“The people who might agree with these letter-writers are your neighbors,” I said, “your friends, and the people you live with every day in Gunning.”
The bigots next door, the hate preaching conservatives are our family, our friends, our neighbours who have helped us fix a busted tire, sent food and extended a warm helping hand in times of trouble. Life is not so black and white as the liberal and the conservative. Life is not so black and white as what defines a coward and what it truly is. It really is not.
“I kicked at a rock on the ground to hide my thoughts. If Ernie had known we were men who loved men—Tom Smith whose body cried out to lay with Kevin Bannerman—he would have spit on us, turned his back on us, and probably would have lobbed a rock at the truck himself. Small-town values led to pinched hearts where sexual differences were involved. But Ernie didn’t know about us, and so his essential humanity emerged. It was like I’d told Kevin about the people who lived in Gunning: if your car had a flat tire, or if your kid got sick, or if your house burned down, there’d be plenty of folks stopping by with offers to help. Small town values led to big hearts too.”
So take your time.
He took a breath that I could hear over the road noise. “I think the activists can. They must be able to see it somehow, and that’s what drives them. Thank God for them. I don’t have their strength. Or maybe the men who live in a gayborhood can see it, who can walk down the street holding their boyfriend’s hand and nobody cares. Have you ever done that, ever visited a place like that where we can be free?”
Wow... this book was quite a ride.
It was long, and slow for sure. But not in the worst way, it was a very, very slow burn. For some reason though, I was captivated. I did not give up on it because i knew that with this book you have to be patient. Take my slow sweet time with it. Because there is quite a lot of issues and topics that it covers, including trauma. The best way to describe this book is... it is very meaningful.
Tom was an extremely hard character to follow. He was stubborn most of the of the time, and i strongly disagreed with the ways he lead his life but i knew that this was realistic fiction after all and set in 2008, so things would work out in the end. But it really is not about the ending with books like this, really is not about the plot. It was a very character driven novel, heavily focused on Tom’s character development. How he overcame his fears, traumatic past, acceptance, and looking toward the future. I think everybody needs to read a book like this. It was empowering, and the subtle symbols, metaphors, irony, and motifs did not escape me :)
“Not one but three lizards went skittering across the path and paused right in front of us, going into the defensive if I don’t move you won’t be able to see me freeze that made no sense unless you were a dumb animal.” - so when i read this part i couldnt help but say HYPOCRITE!!
With a little more editing and less tell and more show this book can definitely be a high quality read.
Yeah... so despite all the thoughts that ran through my head i’m racking my brain trying to come up with SOMETHING. I dont know why i cant seem to put my thoughts about this book down. Because im empty. I just feel serene... and calm. Well this is going to be a terrible book review sorry. Dont get me wrong it was an amazing book. I just..l i feel like it said SO MUCH that i dont really need to speak for it.
Im just... proud of Tom, I learned a little bit about life and fear and all that too. So i learned that sometimes cowards are the ones who strike first, and choose to hurt other people. I learned that the courageous ones are usually those who choose to look past the prejudice and still love at the end if the day. Aha! Theres my train if thought again. I really liked how the author beautifully wove Rent and its themes into the story and into Tom’s life. It was like a crescendo....the production of Rent ebbed and flowed, just like Tom and how he slowly opened up or shut down with Kevin. If that makes any sense. I have never ever read or watched Rent in my entire life, but damn it sounds like it shook a lot of things up. Thats another things i love about the book: the message. As cliche as that sounds.
It wasnt that intrusive totally unrealistic THINGS GET BETTER! Way of getting it across. It was more like, yeah life is not a walk in the park for a lot of people but you have to at least try to live it the way you want to. I know that there are plenty of people in this world, gay or straight or anything in between who are living on other people’s terms. This book presented the benefits of course of keeping your head down. It’s easier to play the blame game, and isolate yourself so you never get hurt again.
“Fuck you, Sean. Thanks for ruining my life. Asshole. Motherfucker. You made me like this. Without you, I’d go off with Kevin in a second. Instead I’m stuck in this cesspool of a life.”
There were several moments in the book, hell the entire book really, where the characters are not perfect. By “imperfect” i mean they were human. We dream of a fantasy world where things are better, where we might have been dealt with a different set of cards, oh if only if only i had been dealt a better hand i could be this, do this, be with this person:
“In the best of all possible worlds, you know, this wouldn’t be the end of our day together.”
Silent, and tensed to cut him off if I saw the flicker of another person anywhere near us, I simply looked at him.
“In the best of all possible worlds, we’d…. ” His voice had turned low, sultry, sexy, and instant heat streaked through me. “We’d go have a beer with those guys.”
But i couldnt help but want to crawl into their world and scream in their faces: BUT YOU’RE LIVING IN THIS WORLD! so make do! The character development never failed me though, i could not help but yippp with joy and a little bit of pride when in the end Tom says:
“In some other universe, or maybe in Texas a hundred years from then, he would have grabbed me in a hug and kissed me, and we would have laughed out loud, because he didn’t have to push me anymore. [...] But this wasn’t a hundred years from now. This was Gunning, Texas, in 2008, and freedom only reached so far. So instead, Kevin looked up at the ceiling and grinned. I watched him. My confident Kevin.”
However, some parts made my heart wrench because they hit home. As much we have come far, and some parts of the world are “progressive” this book harshly reminds us that in a lot of the world people are not accepting. Now that was a hard pill to swallow.
“Rebellion that I had not allowed for sixteen long years blasted past my defenses and rose in me, hard and strong. I wanted the ache, the sex, nights like this, and contented mornings all the time. I thought… I thought I wanted Kevin. I did. Why could some men have this when I couldn’t? Why could the straights have the intimacy, the comfort, the easy companionship that Kevin offered me when I had to turn away from it? Why did they reach for love and find it, when I’d walked down a long, difficult road feeling myself forced to deny it?
“Why can’t I have it?” I whispered.”
I've noticed i haven't been talking about the romance as much. That is because its just WONDERFUL. The sex scenes were steamy as hell but for the first time the sex scenes were like a supplementary part of developing their romance.
Another thing that struck me about this book, is its portrayal of adults versus children. Sometimes the adults seemed mature, other times the kids did. Sometimes there was a lot to be learned from the kids, other times, there was a lot to be learned from the adults. I think making Tom a teacher was perfect, because we were able to explore an environment where Tom’s hard edged cynicism constantly clashed with the hopeful optimistic kids. I loved how in the end, Tom seemed to realize:
“Remember what you accomplished tonight when you run into rough patches in your life, because everybody does. You can… get through it. You can find some way to make it good again.”
It is sooo tempting. Trust me, most days im too afraid to go out because i cant deal with the fast paced, life goes on attitude that everybody else just seems to gripped by the reins. But i know that running away never solved anything anyway. I think it took our Tom Smith sixteen years to realize it but better late than never right? I wouldn’t call his life a waste though, because it is alll part of the process.
You have to take your time with trauma. It is not an overnight healing. That message rang loud and clear in the book, Kevin as much as he made a lot things better for Tom. As much as he gave Tom the little push he needed to move on from the clusterfuck Sean was, Tom needed to do it all by himself. Realize it all by himself. You know? At what point in life do you throw your hands up say, shit im so done feeling so fucking sorry for myself im going to move on?
A little thrill flared up inside me every time Tom was like: fuck you sean!
Oh yeah, so this has to be said. Im sorry for my shitty watered down vocabulary but the best way to describe this book is that is WOKE AS FUCK. It needs to he said because this book very clearly shines a light on other perspectives other than the ones we think are right. Yes it is hilarious and a little ridiculous when we hear about church fanantics pray over homosexuals, but thats what they believe in and if we ridicule them and call them names us liberals are no more open minded or more educated than those who preach hate. Because Tom makes really good points, as much as it sucks to hear that,
“They’re just a couple of homophobic bigots!” Steven said
“Name-calling never solved a single problem in this world,” I said as mildly as I could.
I’d been through my own period of wanting to call names, during the time when my family had turned their backs on me just when I had needed them most. If my brother Grant hadn’t helped the way he had—though we’d never talked about what was most important—I had sometimes thought I would have put a gun to my head. But what would it have gained me to scream at the people who were afraid of the differences I represented? I had pushed the angry words down so deeply that they’d never, ever emerged, not once in all these years. They were still there though, captured.
“The people who might agree with these letter-writers are your neighbors,” I said, “your friends, and the people you live with every day in Gunning.”
The bigots next door, the hate preaching conservatives are our family, our friends, our neighbours who have helped us fix a busted tire, sent food and extended a warm helping hand in times of trouble. Life is not so black and white as the liberal and the conservative. Life is not so black and white as what defines a coward and what it truly is. It really is not.
“I kicked at a rock on the ground to hide my thoughts. If Ernie had known we were men who loved men—Tom Smith whose body cried out to lay with Kevin Bannerman—he would have spit on us, turned his back on us, and probably would have lobbed a rock at the truck himself. Small-town values led to pinched hearts where sexual differences were involved. But Ernie didn’t know about us, and so his essential humanity emerged. It was like I’d told Kevin about the people who lived in Gunning: if your car had a flat tire, or if your kid got sick, or if your house burned down, there’d be plenty of folks stopping by with offers to help. Small town values led to big hearts too.”
So take your time.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 25, 2015
Actual Rating: 4.5
Admit One had been sitting on my to-read shelf since the beginning of the year. Not as long as some other books that have been sitting, waiting patiently for me to read them, and to be quite honest, if it had not been picked for a particular challenge, it would have stayed on there for even longer. Not because I didn't want to read it because I really did, but I had this gut feeling that this book would be a hard one to read, more so than the synopsis implied. It would play with my emotions, it would make me angry and sad and happy all within a flip of a dime.
I was right.
There were so many characters in this book who stand for everything that I detest in humankind. Ignorance. Prejudice. The inability to accept people as they are. The inability to accept the fact that this is a big world, no matter what some may think, and that there are different ideals and beliefs and ways of life besides the one that you live, that many live, in your community, town, city, state . . . I got so angry with this book at times, so angry with the people in it because there are people all over the world like the small minded people of Gunning, Texas.
However, Admit One, as aforementioned, didn't just push all my buttons that make me seethe, they also pushed the buttons that made me happy that there are people in the world, just like there were quite a few in that small little town, who are compassionate and understanding and couldn't care less if you happen to be a man who doesn't love a woman but rather another man, or a woman who loves another woman.
There are quite a few questions that you want answered in this book, and they are answered, for the most part anyways, but they take their sweet time in becoming so. Don't expect to rush through this because you won't, or at least I couldn't. Admit One forces you to take your time to not just read the words but to understand the words, to understand Tom and Kevin and their relationship, the hangups, the possibilities.
Tom's fears with being discovered and outed as a gay man are all realistic and truthful, sometimes brutally so. There were times where I just wanted to yell at him, to tell him to take the chance with Kevin, that he deserves it--that they both deserved it, but I bit back my tongue because I realized that Tom is not the only man, not the only person in the world, fictional or otherwise, that thinks this way. So you could imagine how excited I was for him when he would take a step forward and not two back, and then when he did take two steps back, he made it all back up and then more.
Just as the play Rent is about love and acceptance and being yourself, living for no other but yourself, so is Jenna Hilary Sinclair's novel as a whole. I implore you to not just read Admit One but to understand it and learn from it.
Admit One had been sitting on my to-read shelf since the beginning of the year. Not as long as some other books that have been sitting, waiting patiently for me to read them, and to be quite honest, if it had not been picked for a particular challenge, it would have stayed on there for even longer. Not because I didn't want to read it because I really did, but I had this gut feeling that this book would be a hard one to read, more so than the synopsis implied. It would play with my emotions, it would make me angry and sad and happy all within a flip of a dime.
I was right.
There were so many characters in this book who stand for everything that I detest in humankind. Ignorance. Prejudice. The inability to accept people as they are. The inability to accept the fact that this is a big world, no matter what some may think, and that there are different ideals and beliefs and ways of life besides the one that you live, that many live, in your community, town, city, state . . . I got so angry with this book at times, so angry with the people in it because there are people all over the world like the small minded people of Gunning, Texas.
However, Admit One, as aforementioned, didn't just push all my buttons that make me seethe, they also pushed the buttons that made me happy that there are people in the world, just like there were quite a few in that small little town, who are compassionate and understanding and couldn't care less if you happen to be a man who doesn't love a woman but rather another man, or a woman who loves another woman.
There are quite a few questions that you want answered in this book, and they are answered, for the most part anyways, but they take their sweet time in becoming so. Don't expect to rush through this because you won't, or at least I couldn't. Admit One forces you to take your time to not just read the words but to understand the words, to understand Tom and Kevin and their relationship, the hangups, the possibilities.
Tom's fears with being discovered and outed as a gay man are all realistic and truthful, sometimes brutally so. There were times where I just wanted to yell at him, to tell him to take the chance with Kevin, that he deserves it--that they both deserved it, but I bit back my tongue because I realized that Tom is not the only man, not the only person in the world, fictional or otherwise, that thinks this way. So you could imagine how excited I was for him when he would take a step forward and not two back, and then when he did take two steps back, he made it all back up and then more.
Just as the play Rent is about love and acceptance and being yourself, living for no other but yourself, so is Jenna Hilary Sinclair's novel as a whole. I implore you to not just read Admit One but to understand it and learn from it.
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