Summer Time Blues

June 1st- and I am wishing away summer.  But then part of me wants it not to fly by- because my kids keep growing up and I'm not sure what I'm going to do when they don't needs me anymore. I loved summer as a kid.  No School!  Sleep in later than normal! Not too late at our house though. My mom always had somewhat of a schedule, but it wasn't super strict and we still could have lots of fun.  Hanging out with friends till late.  Usually playing night games in the circle.  I grew up in the best neighborhood.  In fact, I didn't realize that it wasn't normal to play games in the street with a bunch of other kids, or walk into someone's house to see if they could come out and play, or just walk in and join them for dinner, until after I was married and starting swapping childhood stories with my husband.  I feel bad that my kids don't have those experiences.  Back to summer- it was great as a kid, but I hate it as an adult/parent!  I hate not being home to have somewhat of a schedule for my kids.  So they end up on their phone or computer most of the day.  I hate the heat!  Oh how I hate the heat! The only time heat is good, is when you are on the lake.  I hate how busy it is.  Which sounds weird- even to me.  Because we are busy all year round.  But I think it feels busier to me, because summer is for relaxing and lounging.  But when you work all day, then have to cook, clean, and try to pry your kids away from screens long enough to do something fun while it's not scorching hot outside, there's not much time for relaxing and lounging.  It just feels like every other day of the year.  Weekends aren't any better.  We are rushing from one thing to the next.  Always trying to find time to squeeze in those Lagoon trips and evenings at the Fitness Center so we don't waste the passes we bought. Even vacations in summer feel like work to me.  Not to mention all the popsicles we go through and all the popsicle wrappers/sticks I pick up all summer long.  Stupid popsicles! Stupid summer!  Hoping my kids at least enjoy summer- because someday they will be adults/parents and they may hate it as much as I do. 

Perfect Bubble- Popped!

For about 1-2 years before Tracen got his driver's license, I knew I was in the best time as a mom.  My kids were still young enough that they were within reach- within my protective bubble, but old enough to not need me for everything.  Chad and I could leave the house for a while and know they'd be ok.  They can get their own snacks- and even cook their own meals on occasion (thank you Ramen!).  They were, dare I say, even fun to be around- mostly.  Vacations were easier.  Mornings were easier.  It was perfection! So I dreaded the day of Great Independence for Tracen. To me it meant the beginning of the end. The end of my protective bubble where I controlled most things happing.  The end of an era where all of my baby birds are within my bubble.  And while I knew that exact day of a driver's license would pop my bubble, I did not expect for all the things to happen at once.  Driving.  Dating.  Getting a job.  Girlfriends.  Drama that girls bring to your life.  (This is probably why Father did not give me girls- I don't deal well with it so this whole girlfriend, and eventually, wife thing is going to do a number on me!) Why is there so much drama anyway?  Why can't girls learn that life is so much easier, and happier, without it? Sorry, rant over.  All the things happening so quickly has been draining.   I'm just trying to keep up and still be a good mom.  One that looks like she has it all together so the teenagers don't totally revolt.  One thing I have always tried to do, but has now become harder with Great Independence, is letting him make his own decisions and taking responsibility for the consequences that follow.  Because now the decisions are harder.  They have deeper, possibly longer lasting consequences.  And it's not like he's asking for advice- he's a teenager remember?  So I have to just sit back and watch.  And pray that he will follow his gut and the Spirit.  That the consequences won't be too bad.  And trying to let him know, without actually letting him know (you know?), that I am always here- no matter what- to support him while he picks up the pieces.  Being a mom to teenagers is NO JOKE!  My bubble is back, but smaller- with only 2 baby birds.  I know too well the kind of thief time is, and that the day will quickly come that my bubble will pop once again.  I'm not sure how I will handle the third bubble pop.  We'll just have to wait and see.

True Colors

 At one of Hunter's Varsity Basketball games recently I found myself in the middle of a situation that I didn't think I ever would.  The opposing team (which I will not be naming- they don't deserve to be mentioned in my history), their coaches, and their fans displayed the poorest sportsmanship I have ever witnessed.  It was a close game and tensions were high- I get it.  I was there after all.  (Even now, as I type this, and over a week later, my adrenaline is pumping and I'm getting worked up about the whole thing!) But the things they yelled, their actions, their overall behavior shocked me! I could not believe that actual adults would behave the way they were.  But then it all made sense as to why their players acted that way- because we know that  "attitude reflects leadership" (Remember the Titans).  And I was in the middle of it all- along with my kids and Hunter students- which displayed such class and held to a higher standard in the midst of all this.  I could not be prouder of the Wolverine family- nor prouder to be part of it! I could not believe that a team, that just weeks before showed us such respect and condolences would behave this way! (This is after the shooting by Hunter in which 2 students died and one is still battling the effects of being shot.)  It just showed me what I have always believed about this team in my heart- they are not kind, they have big heads, and only focus on winning.  Even though throughout the last 2 years, I have tried to convince myself that the whole team isn't like that, and there are some good people there.  But after our second game it became clear- their display at our first game was just for show and didn't mean a thing to any of them. I lost all respect for their school and community. 

Because their behavior was so poor, a lot of our parents emailed not only their principal, but the district athletic specialist,  the superintendent, and others.  I emailed our principal with some suggestions as to how to avoid something similar next year (like having a designated spot for their fans to sit so they aren't next to our students.)  One of my suggestions was to have a representative from the district or the UHSAA at all of their games because their behavior is probably similar at other locations.  When I was telling another mom this, I said "because you never know when their true colors will come out."  And this got me thinking:  what are my true colors? 

Am I hot-headed? Am I just a bystander hoping others will do what is hard and stand up for what is right? Am I somewhere in between?  Do people look at me and think: she's always kind? Or don't sit by her- she's a complainer? Do they know I don't mean to offend if accidently do? And know they can let me know if I did offend? Do they know I'm always up for a discussion- even if it's hard?  Am I approachable enough they are comfortable to ask me for help?  Or just to visit- am I good company? Am I too brutally honest- or do they know they can trust my judgement, but I will stick to my beliefs and my true self?  I'll admit, I've gotten into it with other parents, and I've yelled at refs- sometimes that's my first reaction (never to the extent that this team took it to).  Sometimes, like at this game,  I am so in shock that I don't really have a reaction. (Which I can regret later- like I wish I would have gotten my phone out and taken video of some of this behavior.)  I am good about not responding to stuff on social media right away.  I give it time to see if I feel the same way when not in the heat of the moment.  And give myself some time to formulate how I want to say what's on my mind.  But I definitely need to be better about that when I find myself in situations like this in person.  I need to find out how I want to represent myself, and be able to have that be my first reaction.  Because at times we don't have time to give it a few hours, or a day,  we need to respond right then and there.  I'm working on it.  I'm starting with my thoughts- focusing on what my first thought is- Is it kind? Helpful? And then either responding, or changing my thought and then responding.  I want to be the person that people are happy to see somewhere- because they know I care and am kind.  But I also want to be the person they know will stick to her guns- and be Momma Bear when needed.  I believe I can be both.  And I'm going to work on that being how I represent myself to the world.  Here I come!

Birthdays- the good and the bad

Today is my birthday.  I'm 38.  I've had a love/hate relationship with my birthday for the past few years.  

In 2020- the infamous year felt around the world- my birthday was spent at the funeral of my father in law.  Yep, you read that right.  He passed away on Feb 3rd and his funeral fell on my birthday.  It had to be that way because we drove to Spring City after the funeral to lay him to rest by his parents, in his childhood hometown.  And any other day just wouldn't have worked well.  My family threw me a pizza party after we got back from Spring City, and tried to make it special.  I will always remember that and be forever grateful for them.  The true act of love from that day was when my mother in law came for a few minutes- as hard as that day was for her, she took a few minutes away to be at my birthday party.  I struck gold when I married into this family!  I was okay pretending it wasn't my birthday, and that I would celebrate later.  But until you've been the spouse of someone that just lost a parent, you don't realize that the energy to celebrate doesn't come for a while.  We never really celebrated (but I did get a great gift from Chad- my car detailed!).  

Last year, the realization that 40 is around the corner threw me for a loop.  It's not that I am afraid of 40, or that I feel like life is over as I know it.  My fear is that I have not done enough in these first 40 years of my life.  Have I taught my children enough to get them through the tough times?  Do we have a good enough relationship that they will come to me when those hard times come? Have a I lived out any of my dreams? What are my dreams? Do I have dreams to still reach for?  The biggest question became: What have I learned?  So I started writing down things I have learned in this life.  My goal is to have 40 of them by my 40th birthday.  Luckily I have a couple more years to get that finished. 

This year, I am grateful to be here.  I have been having some medical issues, and last month went through the process of trying to figure out what is wrong and how to fix it.  I ended up needing a biopsy.  Waiting for a call to see if you have cancer is the worst ever!  My mind went through all the things that could happen, and what I would do in different scenarios.  It was torture!  So when the call came in that all was clear, I didn't even care what the problem was at that point- it wasn't cancer!  We are still trying to figure things out, but I know I can handle whatever it is.  So as I sit here in one of my favorite places, Gulf Shores- Alabama, listening to gulf waves crash against the best sand I have ever felt under my feet, I am just happy to have another birthday. 

Between the sorrow, the love, the fear, and the joy of birthdays- they can each teach us something.  Maybe about ourselves, maybe about someone else.  But just sit and listen for a moment on your next birthday and see what life needs you to hear.  Happy Birthday!