ketchup

I feel really terrible that i have neglected my little blogger. 

I dont remember when I last wrote, but to catch anyone up that is interested, which i think is only myself, and only for memories sake...I started talking to a boy that I had a hallway crush on last semester.  This led to that and we will have been "dating exclusively" for about 2 months now, give or take.

His name is Zach, he's tall and skinny, the cutest boy ever.  We are hardly ever apart.  He's my best friend and the best boyfriend I could ever ask for, I couldn't have molded one better myself.

In other news I got rejected from Rowans college of education, I cried for a few hours.

Im doing pretty good this semester, only one class I'm kind of worried about, but I should be okay. 

In other, other news, I wrote my first poem since high school...and that is what it is called.

the first poem i've written since high school

every thing will be all right.

every thing will be all right?

dont cock back that gun

spitting that bullshit on me

this is

my

life

this is the life that i wake up to

every day.

splinters of worry dug deep into my gut

and you cant rip these out quick.

put your tweezers away,

cause ive been nailed to this cross for too long...

its been growing into my pink flesh since i was

eight

years old.

and you wont know what to say,

you wont have the words

just 

like

him

just like him

you, 

when i tell you, he cant speak

and you wont understand the pain 

it puts me through

that it puts us through

this boy 

with his wordless mouth

he cant tell me what hurts,

if anyone 

has hurt him.

he can't comprehend a holiday

let alone love,

or what it is to be in love.

he wont feel the pleasure 

of a good old fashioned blow job,

never have a catch with his own son

like he never had one with daddy

(and i know that it tightens, rips,

pulling and tearing at my fathers gut

and burns behind his eyes.)

he wont walk at his high school graduation

our parents glowing in some sort of pride 

from their aluminum perch

there will be no all nighters 

from too many red cups with cheap beer

he wont know the feeling of waking up 

next to a girl who would die without him

or even the burn of some good weed

in his hopeless lungs

hes lost

and with twenty million posters

clinging to the walls of everywhere

                       where ever

he cant be found

so dont tell me 

dont tell me its gonna be fucking 

oh 

kay

dont cock back your head

-your cold shiny 9mm head-

and fire that kinda bullshit at me

I think I found Mr. Torterlli's address yesterday, I'm going to write him a letter. 

What makes a best friend?

I guess everyone has a different idea about what makes a best friend, I don't ask for much in one of mine.

One- You trust that they will never tell any of your secrets.

Two- You would never tell one of theirs.

Three- They can make you laugh so hard you cry.

Four- They love you for exactly who you are.

Five- They understand you without even trying.

Six- They know that something is wrong just by looking at you, before you even say anything. 

Seven- You know that know matter what you'll always be there for each other, though matter what. 

You might wonder who this is for me, at least sometimes I wonder.  It always comes back to the same person.  The person that can make me spill into tears.  the person that makes me smile through those tears.  My best friend is my twelve year old brother, how pathetic am I? 

My best friend is someone in his own world.  A world that I can't get into. A world that I know nothing about, because he can't even tell me.  My best friend has such a severe case of autism he can't talk. I love this kid more then anyone or anything, and I know he loves me too. 

I guess it says a lot about me huh?

E N E

I am now taking part in a joint blog. 

My friend Erica who is going to England for 4 months and I have created a blog for the both of us to talk about our super exciting lives.  So I would be super pleased if you could check it out.

ENE

uh

I've been feeling sort of sad lately.  Not like depressed sad, but, well just not all that happy.  I know exactly what the reason is.  I haven't gotten to talk to him much in the past few days, that always puts me in a bit of a slump.  

I've been over thinking again, never a good sign.  Trust issues will always come back to bite me in the ass. People tend to never stick to their word when it comes to me.  I've been hurt so many times by so many people so I think to myself why would he be any different. 

The thing I keep thinking of is when he comes home, other girls will be around to distract him.  I wont be important anymore. I told him this.  He said there is nothing to worry about. 

I talked to my ex about it too. In a flood of emotion I said to him that I should just be a lesbian.  He asked why. I said well I do like boobs. He laughed and said seriously "You need to look in the mirror, you are far too good to loose to the other team." It was my turn to laugh. 

I guess he's right.  He might be bias though because he may still love me, which is unfortunate.  

I some how realized that I was being silly.  What happens will happen.  Thinking about it and making myself sad about it isn't going to change anything. 

Then I got his letter. It really made me believe that I was being truly silly. 

I still cant help to ask myself, too good to be true?

nothing like satin sleep wear to make a girl feel pretty

I am writing this knowing that I am about to sound like some naive preteen little shit, I'm okay with it though. 

I've been seeing shooting stars lately. I glance up at the sky and I just catch one. A little burning streak. A flash of momentary stellar beauty.  Some space rock plummeting towards the earths surface only to get burned into dust by atmospheric pressure.  Or at least that is what I recall from astronomy class senior year of high school. I've seen three in the past month or so. Strange to me cause I've only seen two or three before that in my whole life. 

Anyway, like some wishful Peter Pan reading seven year old, I close my eyes. Deep breath. And wish. 

I had a dream.  Standing on the golf corse I saw star after star falling from the sky and I closed my eyes and wished and wished.  He came like a soft breeze, silent across the fairway, laying his hand across the small of my back. 

My wish has not come true. Iraq is still eight hours ahead of us.  He's still there. 

I did tell him all about it, making wishes, my dream everything.

He told me to just believe. How whimsical of him.

Then, browsing jewelry in my favorite super store (target) I found an inspirational necklace.  Behind the tiny silver charm, scrolled across recycled cardboard, it said "Believe."  In case you were wondering, the charm... well it was a tiny falling star. 

I'm going back tomorrow to get it. 

Google this

I let Google take control of me last night, or this morning rather, between, well I'd say 12:38 and 4:52, about then. I had already done my homework.  On a Friday night, on the first day of the semester that I didn't attend I finished my homework that isn't due until Wednesday of next week, I went on to do Friday's homework, as well as the Monday after that.  On a Friday night. 

Anyway I started on Google typing in "Solvar" the company that made my ring, I found it on their too, under Claddagh Kiss. I started looking at wedding bands, the one I like most is thirty dollars and is at both Target and Walmart, I am a high class girl.  I moved on to short white dresses, which turned into wedding dresses.  I flipped back to rings and then Celtic Tree Astrology.  Im Hazel, mostly everything in the description was true, except the being good with numbers part.  I read Josh's and sent it to him, he thought it was right on to.  Tree astrology moved me to Lunar astrology which lead me to Zodiac wheels which lead me to palmistry.  My heart line tells me I fall in love easily, the smaller lines crossing through it show emotional trauma.  My hands also show me as a fire sign like in regular astrology. I looked up hyperextension from there.  I have it.  That's why my knees hurt so much, Doctors know nothing.  I went back to wedding dresses after that, the ones i liked most aren't actual wedding dresses and were at most two hundred bucks.  I mentioned this to Josh and he was astounded his estimate was at least a grand.  My favorite was a hundred and when I told him that he said his sneakers cost more then that. 

I really hope that I do get married one day, after meeting someone that can be satisfied, that can be happy, with just me.  Just me.

you just got "it"

It is an extremely weird phenomenon when someone finally starts seeing you how you've always wanted to be seen.  When someone tells you what you are to them.  When what they say is all you ever wanted to be. 

There have been times in my life when I wasn't true to myself.  I'm sure this happens to everyone.  You fall in with a crowd, you tweak yourself, no one wants to be disliked, especially by people you yourself like. I feel like I've grown up enough to get over this fear. I am happy being myself.

I'm not a center stage type of girl.  I like attention, but too much makes me nervous.  I like to go out of my way for people, and only ask for appreciation in return.  I respect people, you are who you are, I am who I am, we all deserve respect.  I like things neat, but my things get messy.  I really am a nice girl.  I make mistakes and I learn.  

I am lucky to have found people who like me for my faults just as much as they like me for my attributes.

I guess I just want to say thank you, for noticing I'm not like them, I'm not like everyone else.