Weighing the Cost

Luke 9:57-62 ESV

The Cost of Following Jesus 

57 As they were going along the road, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” 58 And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head."

 In Matthew's account it tells us that this man that asked to follow Jesus was a scribe. Jesus did not deny that the man could follow Him. Rather He let him know what it would cost him. In other words, Jesus was saying that you may have to give up what the world deems as necessity. 

Have you ever heard accounts of Christians in highly persecuted areas? They meet secretly, in small rooms, with dirt floors, and without heat and air. They do not have Awana to take their kids to. They do not have a a dozen Bible studies to choose from. They do not sit in comfortable pews. They do not have organized accountability groups. They do not log their attendance into a computer. They often times do not even own a full Bible. I wonder.... If everything that we see as necessities to follow Jesus were stripped away who would be left standing, faithful to the Lord no matter what comforts they lacked? Nothing is wrong with any of that stuff, but if that's all that keeps us supposedly following Jesus then we do not know what it truly means to surrender our lives to Him.  

59 To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” 60 And Jesus[a] said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” 

The first time I ever read that scripture I remember thinking, "Yikes.... That's harsh!" I was reading commentary by John MacArthur on this and this is what he said, "the phrase, 'I must bury my father' was a common figure of speech meaning, 'Let me wait until I receive my inheritance.'" If you read that scripture now with that in mind it seems a lot less harsh. It actually seems pretty selfish on this man's part. When it is convenient to him, then he will follow Jesus. 

Let's put that into context for today........ 

"Let me wait until I make more money.... Then I'll adopt."

"Let me wait until I get a raise.... Then I'll tithe." 

"Let me wait until I find the 'perfect one'.... Then I'll join a church." 

"Let me wait until I know the Bible better...... Then I'll share the gospel." 

Let's call them what they are.... Excuses! And we have all had them and I believe at one time or another I have said every one of those. Jesus does not want you to 'wait.' He wants you fully committed now. Don't 'wait' until it's too late! 

61 Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” 62 Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”

It's not that Jesus is saying He doesn't want this man to say goodbye to his family. Jesus knows that if he goes home he will not return. Have you ever had anyone come against something you want to do and try and talk you out of it? We had this happen a lot with our decision to adopt. Even complete strangers would give us their opinions. If we weren't standing firm in our decision and believed with all our hearts it's what we were called to do, we would have easily been persuaded to not do it. I'm not saying to not accept good, Godly counsel on major decisions but anytime you do something radical, especially follow Jesus, the world looks at that and just can't understand it. 

Also, it's hard to be committed to what's in front of you if you keep looking back. Jesus redeemed us and wiped our slates clean. It's us who have trouble letting go and using it for His glory rather than wearing it on our sleeves and living in continuous guilt. If you are down trodden and depressed over sins of the past how is anyone supposed to believe the gospel when we share it with them? We tell people Jesus can forgive us of our sins but we can't forgive ourselves.

In all 3 of these examples, Jesus knew the hearts of these men and He knew they were not committed and would not surrender their lives to Him! Have you weighed the cost of following Him? From experience I can tell you, He is absolutely worth it!

FREE

Lately I have been in Luke and have focused my posts on that. But in Austin's daily Bible time we are in 2 Kings and that's where today's post is going to come from. I hope you see Jesus in today's passage as much as I did. It may be a little long but bear with me. It's a beautiful passage and one that has much more to it than what I've written. So I encourage you to study it and dig deep. There is so much goodness here.  

2 Kings 5:1-14

Naaman Healed of Leprosy 

Part 1

  Naaman, commander of the army of the king of Syria, was a great man with his master and in high favor, because by him the Lord had given victory to Syria. He was a mighty man of valor, but he was a leper.^{[a] 2} Now the Syrians on one of their raids had carried off a little girl from the land of Israel, and she worked in the service of Naaman's wife. ³ She said to her mistress, “Would that my lord were with the prophet who is in Samaria! He would cure him of his leprosy.” ⁴ So Naaman went in and told his lord, “Thus and so spoke the girl from the land of Israel.” ⁵ And the king of Syria said, “Go now, and I will send a letter to the king of Israel.”

So he went, taking with him ten talents of silver, six thousand shekels^[b] of gold, and ten changes of clothing. ⁶ And he brought the letter to the king of Israel, which read, “When this letter reaches you, know that I have sent to you Naaman my servant, that you may cure him of his leprosy.” ⁷ And when the king of Israel read the letter, he tore his clothes and said, “Am I God, to kill and to make alive, that this man sends word to me to cure a man of his leprosy? Only consider, and see how he is seeking a quarrel with me.”
⁸ But when Elisha the man of God heard that the king of Israel had torn his clothes, he sent to the king, saying, “Why have you torn your clothes? Let him come now to me, that he may know that there is a prophet in Israel.” ⁹ So Naaman came with his horses and chariots and stood at the door of Elisha's house. ¹⁰ And Elisha sent a messenger to him, saying, “Go and wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh shall be restored, and you shall be clean.” ¹¹ But Naaman was angry and went away, saying, “Behold, I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call upon the name of the Lord his God, and wave his hand over the place and cure the leper. ¹² Are not Abana^[c] and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Could I not wash in them and be clean?” So he turned and went away in a rage. ¹³ But his servants came near and said to him, “My father, it is a great word the prophet has spoken to you; will you not do it? Has he actually said to you, ‘Wash, and be clean’?” ¹⁴ So he went down and dipped himself seven times in the Jordan, according to the word of the man of God, and his flesh was restored like the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.

It verse 1 it introduces us to a man named Naaman. Naaman is from Syria which is an enemy of Israel and he has leprosy (or a skin disease as other translations call it). For sake of our passage I looked up the definition of leprosy from the World Health Organization. It says, "Leprosy is a chronic infectious disease caused by Mycobacterium leprae, an acid-fast, rod-shaped bacillus. The disease mainly affects the skin, the peripheral nerves, mucosa of the upper respiratory tract and also the eyes. Leprosy is curable and treatment provided in the early stages averts disability." That definition helps us to make some comparisons.

Do you know who I think Naaman represents in this passage...... Us. He is a foreigner to God, he has a disease that is terrible but can in fact be cured, and this disease he has affects his eyes. Our disease is sin and it effects our spiritual eyes. It blinds us to the truth of scripture and the revelation of God. James 4:4 says that to "be a friend of the world" makes us "an enemy of God."  Prior to accepting God's gift of salvation, we, like Naaman were enemies to God. But, the greatest news is that our disease is also curable.

In verse 2 we are told that an Israelite girl is taken captive and becomes the servant of Naaman's wife. Now, if someone took you against your will and made you a slave would you give them the key to curing their disease? I know I wouldn't, but not this girl. She tells Naaman to go and see a prophet (Elisha) in Israel and that he could heal him. In Luke 6 verse 27, Jesus tells us to "love your enemies." This girl was definitely living that command out before Jesus even spoke it. Jesus was the ultimate example when he went on that cross and died a terrible death for the very people that nailed him to it and spat in his face. Talk about loving your enemies!!

As you read in the scripture, Naaman makes his way to the door step of Elisha (the prophet of Israel) and Elisha sends out a messenger to give him the key to healing him of leprosy. I found this very interesting and strikingly familiar. When we put our faith in Christ, it's not because we see him with our physical eyes. It's because we have faith in what is unseen and God chooses to use messengers to spread the Good News of the gospel just as Elisha used a messenger.  

So what does Elisha tell Naaman to do to cure his skin disease? He pretty much tells him to go take a bath in the Jordan seven times. Seems simple enough to me. So simple in fact, it makes Naaman very angry. Naaman expected a big show and for Elisha to show him personal  attention. Naaman was seen as a "a great man" and in "high favor" in Syria so I am sure he was used to being catered to. Don't we do the same though? We expect God to just reach down from Heaven and for some great show to happen and a grand emotional experience. Do you know your emotions can be very deceptive and that they come and go like a roller coaster ride (especially for us women)? Following Jesus isn't always an emotional high and scripture tells us in Jeremiah 17:9 that the "heart is deceitful above all." We can't just let our hearts and emotions be our guide. They need to line up with scripture. 

The simplicity of what would cure Naaman reminds me so much of the gospel. The gospel is so simple. But we try our best to complicate it. We were born sinners and someone had to pay for our wrong doing. Would you want a murderer to walk out of court a free man? I doubt it. I think we all would say that he needed to go to jail and pay for what he did. How could God be a perfect, Holy God if he just let us sin and no one had to pay the price? God takes every sin very seriously and so should we.

So who paid the debt for our sin? Who took on our punishment? That person was God in the flesh....Jesus. He had to live a perfect, sinless life in order to be the perfect sacrifice. He died a sinners death on that cross so that our debt was paid and we could have a relationship with the creator of the universe. All we have to do is to confess our sins before God and accept the gift of salvation. It is so simple we can hardly grasp it. Our salvation is ours free and clear and there is nothing we need to do to earn it.  

Naaman's servant then came to him and in verse 13 says, "My father, it is a great word the prophet has spoken to you; will you not do it?" In other words, why not at least try it? What if it worked? So Naaman did as Elisha told him and he was healed..... transformed.... made new. If you read on in verse 15, Naaman makes a profession of faith. Not only is he changed on the outside but he has also had his heart radically transformed. Naaman tries to give Elisha gifts but Elisha will not accept them. Our gift of salvation from God does not require payment from us. There are very few things in life that are free. But eternity in Heaven is. You have an opportunity to be healed of your disease. You can be made new and transformed by the power of the cross. All you have to do is cry out to God in repentance of your sin and simply ask him to save you. Will you not do it? Where will your eternity be spent? We are not promised tomorrow. Don't waste another minute not knowing. 

A Crazy, Naked Man

Luke 8:26-39 ESV

Jesus Heals a Man with a Demon

²⁶ Then they sailed to the country of the Gerasenes, which is opposite Galilee. ²⁷ When Jesus had stepped out on land, there met him a man from the city who had demons. For a long time he had worn no clothes, and he had not lived in a house but among the tombs. ²⁸ When he saw Jesus, he cried out and fell down before him and said with a loud voice, “What have you to do with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I beg you, do not torment me.” ²⁹ For he had commanded the unclean spirit to come out of the man. (For many a time it had seized him. He was kept under guard and bound with chains and shackles, but he would break the bonds and be driven by the demon into the desert.) ³⁰ Jesus then asked him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Legion,” for many demons had entered him. ³¹ And they begged him not to command them to depart into the abyss. ³² Now a large herd of pigs was feeding there on the hillside, and they begged him to let them enter these. So he gave them permission. ³³ Then the demons came out of the man and entered the pigs, and the herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and drowned.
³⁴ When the herdsmen saw what had happened, they fled and told it in the city and in the country. ³⁵ Then people went out to see what had happened, and they came to Jesus and found the man from whom the demons had gone, sitting at the feet of Jesus, clothed and in his right mind, and they were afraid. ³⁶ And those who had seen it told them how the demon-possessed man had been healed. ³⁷ Then all the people of the surrounding country of the Gerasenes asked him to depart from them, for they were seized with great fear. So he got into the boat and returned. ³⁸ The man from whom the demons had gone begged that he might be with him, but Jesus sent him away, saying, ³⁹ “Return to your home, and declare how much God has done for you.” And he went away, proclaiming throughout the whole city how much Jesus had done for him.


Picture this with me.... Jesus has just calmed the raging storm in verses 22-25 (I imagine the disciples are still a little frazzled) and He steps out of the boat in a seemingly Gentile country with about 2,000 "unclean" pigs running around, and a naked, crazy man who lives in a cemetery. I would imagine the disciples were not very comfortable with the situation Jesus had brought them into. But Jesus does not call us to be comfortable!

So, there is this naked, demon possessed man who immediately recognizes Jesus and falls down at His feet and begs for mercy. When Jesus asked his name, the man said, "Legion." Legion means great number and the fact that in Mark we are told there were 2,000 pigs that Jesus cast the demons into, that gives us a pretty good idea how many demons possessed this man.   

What do the pigs do when these demons enter them? They committed suicide by running down the hill into the lake and drowning. I think that is a good indicator how miserable it must have been for this man to be possessed by all those demons. My mind can't seem to comprehend it. Can you imagine though how joyful he must have been to finally be free from that bondage?

The herdsmen run to spread the word about what just happened and people from the city and country come out to see for themselves what is going on. What they find is a beautiful picture of redemption and transformation. This man, who for a long time was naked, living in a cemetery and seemingly crazy was sitting at the feet of Jesus, fully clothed, and completely sane. That my friends is the gospel!! When you accept Jesus as your Savior you are clothed in His righteousness and transformed from the inside out. God looks at you and sees Jesus. All your sins, past, present, and future are wiped clean. You are a new creation!

After what Jesus had done for this man, the man begs to go with Him. But in verse 39, Jesus says, "Return to your home, and declare how much God has done for you" and in the last part of the verse it says the man "went away, proclaiming throughout the whole city how much Jesus had done for him." Jesus had made such an impact on this man's life, he couldn't help but go and tell people about it. Who better to know first hand his transformation than those who he had lived among probably most if not all of his life. Are some people called to cross an ocean and move to a foreign land to share the gospel.....Absolutely!! Some are also called to stay where they are for now and proclaim the gospel there. This passage is very convicting for me! Am I proclaiming to the world the transformation Jesus has done in my life?

The point is this..... it's not a matter of where geographically God has placed you. What matters most is, are you telling people what Jesus has done for you where He has you right now? Is your life a reflection of a true transformation? If there is no evidence of transformation you have to ask yourself, 'Do I have a relationship with Jesus Christ at all?' This relationship isn't achieved by works but by faith and grace that is freely offered to you. Ephesians 3:8 says, "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God." Being fruitful and living a life that looks radically different to the world will come all on its own if your experiencing Jesus and abiding in him. Do you truly know Him? If you died today are you 100% certain that you will go to Heaven? Too much is at stake to not be sure!!! 

Temptation

Luke 4:1-13 ESV

The Temptation of Jesus

 And Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the wilderness ² for forty days, being tempted by the devil. And he ate nothing during those days. And when they were ended, he was hungry. ³ The devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command this stone to become bread.” ⁴ And Jesus answered him, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone.’” ⁵ And the devil took him up and showed him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time, ⁶ and said to him, “To you I will give all this authority and their glory, for it has been delivered to me, and I give it to whom I will. ⁷ If you, then, will worship me, it will all be yours.” ⁸ And Jesus answered him, “It is written,

“‘You shall worship the Lord your God,
    and him only shall you serve.’”

⁹ And he took him to Jerusalem and set him on the pinnacle of the temple and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down from here, ¹⁰ for it is written,

“‘He will command his angels concerning you,
    to guard you,’

¹¹ and

“‘On their hands they will bear you up,
    lest you strike your foot against a stone.’”

¹² And Jesus answered him, “It is said, ‘You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.’” ¹³ And when the devil had ended every temptation, he departed from him until an opportune time.

Just before the temptation of Jesus takes place, Jesus was baptized by John the baptist. Jesus identified with us through baptism and through temptation. Hebrews chapter 4 verse 15 states, "For we do not have a high priest (Jesus) who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin." We face the same temptations Jesus did in chapter 4 of Luke. The difference is, many times we give in to those temptations and Jesus resisted them every time. There is a lot to learn in this section of scripture. Satan is on the prowl and he knows our weaknesses. But he can't make us do anything. He is not all powerful like our Lord Jesus is. 

Before we talk about the 3 temptations listed, notice verse 2 says "for forty days, being tempted by the devil." That verse makes it evident that for the entire 40 days that Jesus was in the wilderness fasting that He was fighting off the temptations of the devil. In this chapter of Luke we are given only 3 specific temptations.

In verses 3-4 of Luke 4, Jesus faces temptation #1. Keep in mind here that Jesus has not eaten in almost 6 weeks. The temptation to use His divine power for His own purpose and feed His hungry belly must have been stronger than any temptation I have faced. Have you ever taken matters into your own hands and tried to provide for yourself instead of letting God do it?  John Hamby, a pastor from Arkansas,  said, "We regularly are tempted to go outside the confines of God’s will to satisfy our personal needs or desires. We often promote ourselves because we are sure that God will not do it. We scheme and we plan for our well-being, because we assume that God does not care or maybe does not know about our needs."

Jesus' response to this temptation was scripture. He not only knew the Word but He lived by it. What is the point in knowing the Bible if we do not model our lives after it? The Pharisees were known throughout the new testament for knowing the scriptures by heart. Yet their lives did not reflect the heart of God. If someone from your work is surprised to hear that you go to church or that your a christian, I believe, that's a problem and probably a good indicator that what you've read in the Bible your not living out. Jesus should literally be bursting out of us. If He isn't, maybe you need to ask yourself if you know Him at all. I'm not trying to ruffle anyone's feathers (although the truth of God does that a lot of times) or make you question your salvation but there was a time that I wasn't sure if I really knew Him at all. So I know what it's like to be in that place and the only way to fix it is to cry out to God, confess your sins, and by faith ask Him for forgiveness. Do not go another day questioning it. Too much is at stake for you not to be certain.

Temptation #2 is revealed in verses 5-8. The devil offers Jesus a kingdom. A kingdom that will be His minus the cross. If Jesus had fallen into any of these temptations, the results would have been catastrophic for us. But this one for me seems like the devil is testing Jesus' love for us more so than the others. Why suffer and die on a cross for the world when you can have a kingdom right here and now? The world is constantly putting it into our heads that we need to avoid sacrifice. We need to choose the easy path. We need to be comfortable. Why stayed married when the going gets tough? Just get divorced and find someone else. Why give till it hurts when that could be a brand new car payment? The result of the supposed "easy road" is that children all over the world are suffering because of a broken family. Americans particularly are in so much debt we are drowning in it. All for the latest and greatest and to keep up with the Jones'.  Praise God that Jesus chose to suffer and sacrifice himself for us. 

In verses 9-11 we read about temptation #3. Satan takes Jesus to the roof of the temple with a 450 foot drop and challenges Him using none other than scripture. My husband, David, has been really focusing on memorizing scripture recently. The other day he said to me, "If Satan knew scripture, shouldn't we?" Well, isn't that convicting and oh so true? The devil, using scripture, was tempting Jesus to put God to the test. These 40 days in the wilderness marks the beginning of Jesus' ministry. To start His ministry by dramatically jumping from the temple roof, where everyone would have seen it, would have been against the will of God. Immediately it would have been revealed to the people that Jesus was the Messiah. We all tempt God whether we want to call it that or not. 

Satan tried to distract Jesus from the mission He was sent to earth to complete and He tried to put a wedge between Jesus and God the father. Jesus defeated Satan every single time. In verse 13 it says that the devil departed from Jesus until "an opportune time." Satan continued throughout Jesus' ministry to tempt him. In the wilderness, Jesus resisted all of the devil's temptations. But that did not stop him. The devil is persistent and if you resist him once he will come at you from a different angle. It is impossible to fight the devil off without an abiding relationship with Jesus Christ that includes prayer and time in the Bible. We need to be so filled up with Christ that there is no room for Satan to distract us. 

So put on your armor (Ephesians 5:10-20) because there is a spiritual battle being waged and if you are abiding in Jesus, you are under attack by the enemy.

  

The Crooked Woman

^{Luke 13:10-17 ESV}

^{A Woman with a Disabling Spirit}

¹⁰ Now he (Jesus) was teaching in one of the synagogues on the Sabbath. ¹¹ And behold, there was a woman who had had a disabling spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not fully straighten herself. ¹² When Jesus saw her, he called her over and said to her, “Woman, you are freed from your disability.” ¹³ And he laid his hands on her, and immediately she was made straight, and she glorified God. ¹⁴ But the ruler of the synagogue, indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, said to the people, “There are six days in which work ought to be done. Come on those days and be healed, and not on the Sabbath day.” ¹⁵ Then the Lord answered him, “You hypocrites! Does not each of you on the Sabbath untie his ox or his donkey from the manger and lead it away to water it? ¹⁶ And ought not this woman, a daughter of Abraham whom Satan bound for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath day?” ¹⁷ As he said these things, all his adversaries were put to shame, and all the people rejoiced at all the glorious things that were done by him.

My intention was to start a blog series of devotionals with more of a Bible study feel to them.... you know more meat and potatoes type stuff. I had planned to start in chapter 1 of the book of Luke just because that's what book I'm studying right now. But last week this passage in Luke 13 captivated me and the Lord has brought it to my mind everyday since. So, I would like to promise you that I'm going to post a devotional type post for women everyday but lets be honest, I'm a homeschool mom of 3 and sometimes it just may not get done. But I do plan on posting as the Lord lays things on my heart and hopefully it will turn into an everyday source for women looking for guidance during their daily quiet times or in addition to. 

So when I read this passage last week, there were 3 words that jumped off the page at me and they were, "Jesus saw her." Have you ever felt looked over, put on the back burner, forgotten, unimportant or unappreciated? As women we live here on a daily basis. Another woman walks in the room that we see as better than us, prettier than us, or more put together and there we are..... feeling overshadowed and overlooked. I believe the root of those feelings stem from pride most times, but that's a lesson for another day. My point today is this, no matter how you feel..... Jesus sees you and He thinks your important enough to die for you. You aren't forgotten. You were on His mind as they drove the nails through his feet and hands. Jesus saw you that day and He has seen every day, every minute, and every second since. 

This no-name woman in this passage spent 18 years bent over and couldn't stand up straight. I refer to her as "the crooked woman." Just stand up for a second and bend over and try to raise your head and look at the ceiling. Its quite a strain on the neck and that's assuming she was even able to bend her neck to raise her head up at all. Here is my point, she could barely look into the face of the person standing before her. For 18 years she spent everyday looking down at the ground. Talk about feeling unimportant and forgotten. But Jesus saw her, called her, and touched her. At the very sound of His voice, the crooked is made straight. On the surface this passage seems to just be about Jesus healing a woman of a physical ailment that was caused by an evil spirit. But I believe this passage is supposed to show us more about this woman's heart and Jesus transforming her from the inside out. The crooked is made straight!

As you read the rest of the passage it is evident that Jesus has ruffled the feathers of this synagogue ruler. This guy was more concerned with the "rules" they had assigned to the Sabbath day than he was for people. Religious law trumped one of the 2 greatest commandments we are given...... To love others as we love ourselves (Matt. 22:37-40). He put rules, religion, and law over people. The very people we are told to love and that Christ hung on that cross for. Jesus says in Matthew 22 to depend all of the law on the 2 greatest commandments..... to love the Lord and to love others. Can you imagine how things would change if everything we did stemmed from those 2? 

Today, I laid out in my hammock in the backyard facing the back where all the trees are. I looked up at these trees that for several months now have been barren. They are beginning to show the signs of spring. As Jesus whispered to my heart once again.... I see you..... tears streamed down my face as the reality sunk in deep. The creator of those trees who commands them to bloom in the spring and strips them bare for winter sees me just where I am and reaches out to touch me anyway. He loves us that much. He loves us so much so that even though He knew ahead of time the times in our lives when we would turn our backs to Him and try to take our own paths, He would still CHOOSE to go to that cross and suffer in our place. He sees the deepest parts of us that we try to hide from the world and yet loves us still and reaches out to touch us even in our own filth. What a Savior we have in Jesus!!! 

My hope is that through this passage in Luke, that you walk away knowing that Jesus sees you. He sees the clean house that you spent all day on, He sees the hurt that runs deep that maybe you've carried around for far too long, He sees the sin that you need to repent of, He sees the broken parts of you and even though He sees it, He still wants to transform and touch your life because He loves you in a way that I believe, we will never be able to grasp this side of Heaven.

I Don't Care What You Have Done

My 19 year old self was an attention-seeking, party going, sex driven, self conscious, young woman running from the Lord as fast as I could go. Four to 5 nights a week I spent partying, drinking, and occasionally doing drugs. I wore as little clothes as I could and knew that attention from the male species came easily for me and I took full advantage. I was a regular at the local clubs, danced in a way that no one should have seen, and was obsessed with being as sexy as I could be. I won money at a local club in a bikini contest and I saw how easily my body, my looks and my sexuality could actually bring me more than just a second glance. I was on a path to complete destruction and it was only by the grace of God that I survived all those nights riding around drunk on back roads. Nothing fulfilled me, nothing gave me self worth, nothing ever seemed to be enough. I was in a rut. I appeared happy on the outside but mostly depressed on the inside. I hated being alone with my own thoughts and yet I would have never admitted that to anyone.
In November of 2002, David & I began talking on the phone every night for hours. We had met 2 1/2 years prior at the beach while I was on vacation with my family. We kept in touch by email but for the 6 months leading up to all those late night phone conversations, we had lost touch. Then by a divine appointment set by the maker of the universe, he had signed onto AOL instant messenger when I was on and sent me a message. That next day he called me and that began what would be the rest of our lives together. 
At first we didn't talk everyday but it didn't take long for it to become apart of my daily routine. One night our conversation was one that I will never forget. As with any relationship, we had the conversation where we aired our dirty laundry and shared what we had done in our past. David shared with me that he was sexually pure. He had never given himself so intimately to anyone and he wanted to wait for marriage. That should have made him even more appealing to me, but it didn't. Honestly, my heart sank. I knew that I wasn't good enough for him and that I had to let him go.
I hesitantly shared with him that not only was I not pure but that I had given myself to 4 other guys. I gave him a free ticket to drop out of my life and go find someone that I thought was more deserving. This alone was so out of character for me. I was used to getting what I wanted and thinking of myself first and everyone else second. But I saw David as goodness and deserving of someone truly great and that person couldn't be me.
The words that came out of David's mouth next completely altered the way I saw myself and brought healing in a way I never thought possible. David said to me, "I don't care what you have done." It was as if the God of Heaven and Earth spoke so deeply into my heart.
 I spent years running from the Lord. One sin led to another and soon I had told myself I had done too much to return to God. Wasn't I too far gone?? But I am convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God himself placed those words into David's mouth and used him to bring healing. I realized that I wasn't a piece of used up trash, but a creation of the One who calms the sea and commands the cosmos. I was loved, cherished, liked and time with me was a desire of the heart of God even though He didn't need me.
As women, we are so hard on ourselves. Nailing ourselves to a cross over and over again instead of standing firm on the promise that our slates are wiped clean, our sin has been made white as snow. We have freedom that is only found in Christ. Galatians 5:1 tells us that "Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free..."
What are we saying to a lost world when we walk around chained to our past mistakes and beating ourselves up over and over again? We are saying that our God is not big enough, great enough, and sufficient enough. We are not showing the world the true God that shows  us grace and forgiveness and walks right into our own mess and rescues us from it.
 How do we live in that freedom? How do we see ourselves through the eyes of Christ and stop carrying around our yoke of slavery? We seek, we pursue, we get down on our knees everyday at the feet of our God who is sovereign over ALL things. We find our identity in Him by reading His love notes and promises to us in His word. When we start seeing the Bible as His letters to us instead of just a book of history, I believe, our desire to read it and feast on it grows gradually but noticeably every day. It's like the way a child grows from the moment of conception. Each day there are ever so slight changes but changes all the same that grow into bigger changes. Before we know it we can barely recognize that wrinkly little baby with no teeth and hardly any hair.
My relationship with the Lord is like a roller coaster. There are days that I fall back into guilt and don't see my worth in Him. I tend to forget that I am a new creation in Christ (2Corinthians 5:17) and that God desires time with me. When I came to Christ as a sinner, my sin was exchanged for Jesus' righteousness. I could not enter into the presence of the holy God as I was before my salvation......my old self had to die. The perfectness, purity, and righteousness of Jesus is a covering that I put on when I repented and accepted His gift of salvation. This gift, this cleansing, this re-birth is available to every one of us if we just accept it.
Cry out to Jesus and ask..... no beg.... Him to show you the freedom you have in Him and only Him! YOU can enter the very presence of the Holy God, YOU can have an intimate relationship with the maker of the galaxies and the complex human body your spirit resides in for a time. He loves you and He is in pursuit of you. Not because He needs you but because He wants you just as you are!!!!!!You are a treasure to Him, and that my friends causes me to tremble from deep within and draws me to my knees in submission to the One who holds the world in His hands.
I leave you with this scripture out of Hebrews that names Jesus as our high priest who allows us to enter into the very presence of God our father without shame and a conscious that is clean.

"And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heaven's Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus. By his death, Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place. And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God's house, let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water. Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise." Hebrews 10:19-23 NLT

For more of my personal testimony, read my most read blog post here..... http://puttingmyyesonthetable.blogspot.com/2014/03/transformed.html

Dear Birthmom

Dear Birthmom,

I think about you everyday. I often wonder if you think about the son you chose to abandon. Do you think about him as much as I think about you? Do you wonder who is caring for him? Do you wonder what he looks like now and how much he has grown? Do you wonder if he looks like you? 

There are days that, honestly, I hate you. When I think about him laying outside that hospital alone, a 2 day old baby, I get so angry. How could you just leave him there? How could you just walk away from such a treasure, such a gift from God? 

But those days when I want to hate you, the Holy Spirit convicts my heart and reminds me that I'm no better than you and shows me the care you displayed. You left him outside of a hospital..... That right there should speak volumes that you were trying to give him what he needed even if that meant you had to give him up. You left him wearing the sweetest little yellow infant shirt and a bottle of milk. I imagine that just maybe you watched at a safe distance until someone found him. Did you cry for him? Deep down in my heart, I know you did. 

I pray for you regularly. I pray that God will send someone to tell you about Jesus and that you would accept His special gift of salvation. I tell your son about Jesus, I read Him stories from the Bible, and I fervently pray for His salvation. Because I believe in the power of prayer I just know that in God's timing he will come to know Jesus as His savior. I have even prayed that just maybe, God would call him back to China as a missionary to his own people. Maybe God will orchestrate it for you to meet one day by a divine appointment. Just maybe, it will be Samuel, as an adult that shares the gospel with you. I pray for that & if that's not God's will then I pray that one day you will meet in heaven. 

Can I tell you a little about your son........our son? He has the funniest and sweetest personality. He loves trains and cars and the only TV show he will actually watch is Thomas the Train. He loves to cuddle and give kisses and before he puckers for a kiss he will say "wuv you." When he is tired he puts his arm over his face and makes this funny noise with his mouth. He is a mommy's boy through and through. He wants to sit in my lap and for me to hold him almost constantly. He has the biggest smile.... So big his eyes disappear!! He is so smart! A couple of weeks ago I potty trained him and it only took him a week to pretty much get it down. He has a brother and a sister that just adore him. He fits right in....like he has always been with us. He is such a treasure and I cannot imagine my life without him in it! 

I am so grateful to you. You carried him in your womb and gave birth to him and chose to try to give him a better life. I refuse to believe that you just gave him up without a second thought. Your tragedy and heartache is my blessing and that makes me feel so guilty and sad for you. Do you know who understands your sacrifice better than anyone else?? God our father! He gave up his son too and He did it for YOU! He did it so that you would have a chance to live eternally with Him in heaven! He loves you more than you could ever imagine and I pray that if you don't known Him yet that you will one day! 

You and I, we share something very special and unique. We share a son. You birthed him and I parent him for as long as God allows me to. I wonder if you could peer into our lives, would you be happy with the way I parent him? Would you think your choice was the right one? I hope so! I hope that one day we are able to meet. Until then, I will continue to pray for you, and although it still takes work some days, I will give you grace and choose to believe you did the most selfless thing a mother could do! 

In Christ, 

Angela 

Samuel's other mom