Saturday, September 27th Trip to Phoenix Children’s Hospital

I was able to get Emerlynn into the dermatology department at the Phoenix Children’s Hospital on Friday morning. I called Tuesday afternoon, and they got her in right away, which is great that we could get in that quickly. They have a vascular anomalies clinic within the dermatology department, so I knew that they’d know what to do for Emmy’s hemangiomas.

We arrived in Phoenix (well, Glendale) Thursday late afternoon and stayed with my Uncle Don and Aunt Tricia. My sweet mom came with me to help with the kiddoes in the car. I brought Logan along because he gets sad when he doesn’t have his mama to put him to bed. Easton and Teagan stayed with Grandma Patti so they wouldn’t miss school. The kids were really good on the drive up, which was an answer to prayers, because I was worried that Emmy would cry for a good portion of the drive. But she didn’t. And Logan was entertained with the DVD player and a sucker when he did start whining to get out of the car, which luckily wasn’t until we hit Wickenburg. We got to my uncle’s around 6 pm, and Logan had fun playing with Kaylee and Julia and their dog Harley for the rest of the night.

Our appointment was at 8 am with a 7:30 check-in time, so nice and early. Right when we arrived in the waiting area, there were other children there with problems of their own. There was a little baby with a hemangioma on her eye and a girl around the age of 8 that looked like she had alopecia. Is it weird that I was happy to be around these sweet children? Immediately, I felt like we were all friends. Nobody was staring at Emmy’s face. We were just amongst other people that were dealing with the same sort of things, and it felt good. There was no judgment because we all knew what if felt like to have our children stared at. It was really the most comfortable I have ever felt being out with Emerlynn, and I could have stayed there all day and developed friendships with all of these people and their children. 

As soon as Dr. McConnell came into the room, he said, “Oh, we love hemangiomas here. Because we know how to help them.” I explained to him that I was having a hard time getting any help or answers for Emmy in Vegas and was referred to the Vascular Birthmark Foundation by a friend in London. Through the foundation, I was able to find their services in Phoenix. I think everybody was surprised that I couldn’t find anyone in Vegas to tell me anything about Emerlynn. And after our appointment, I realized that whatever I was told by the two dermatologists I did see in Vegas was wrong anyway.

From my own reading and researching I was worried that Emmy had internal hemangiomas since she has so many on her body. I tried to get her on propranolol to stop the growth, but I couldn’t get a prescription for it from the doctors here because they didn’t know enough about it. I’m glad they wouldn’t prescribe it without knowing anything about it. The last dermatologist I saw here, Dr. Handler, called me the day after Emmy’s appointment and said, “If Emmy were my child, I would take her out of state to see a specialist.” I am really glad that he called me and said that because that’s what made me call the Phoenix clinic to get Emerlynn seen.

Anyway, as soon as Dr. McConnell and I started talking, he said that we immediately needed to start propranolol. He was worried that she might have them on her liver as well, so he said, “I want to get an ultrasound today, would that be ok? Then I’ll feel okay with you driving back to Vegas knowing that everything is ok.” Of course it was ok. Of course I would love to get Emerlynn everything she needed in just one visit.

The first dermatologist I saw told me that the hemangioma on Emmy’s face was involuting when I took her in at 4 weeks old. It had developed a black scab on it, and the information I had read so far made me think that it was ulcerating. But when the dermatologist looked at it, she said, “Oh no, it’s just involuting (going away).” Dr. McConnell said, “No, if it starts turning black and scabbing, it’s ulcerating.” So for about 7-8 weeks, Emmy has had this ulcer that should have been dressed daily, but I didn’t know that because the woman I saw said it was “just nature’s way of getting rid of itself.” I wish she had said, “I’m not sure, I don’t see this often” instead of being so certain that she knew what it was doing. All this time she’s had this untreated ulcer on her face that causes her pain whenever she touches or bumps it, and it could have been gone by now. Dr. Handler also saw it and apparently didn’t know that it needed to be treated because he didn’t say anything about it.

Dr. McConnell measured Emmy’s cheek and leg hemangiomas and explained that her cheek protrudes because the one on her face is a deep hemangioma and goes way down in her cheek. The one on her leg is just a surface hemangioma.  But without the propranolol, the one on her face would just keep growing. And if there were any internally, they could keep growing too. If they get too big, it can cause heart failure because the heart is working harder to pump blood to those areas. And when they ulcerate, they cause pain and high chances of scarring or infection if left untreated.

Dr. McConnell also brought in his boss, Dr. Price, and she examined Emmy too and talked to me a little bit more about treatment. These two doctors were amazing and knowledgeable and so good with Emmy. They had their nurse teach me how to dress the ulcer, which has to be done daily until it’s gone.  They also took photos of Emmy to monitor her progress and use in reports or whatever they needed. They ordered the ultrasound for an hour later and asked me to wait around afterwards so that they could get the results. I also found out that the laser treatments Emmy is supposed to start next week with Dr. Handler were a definite no because a hemangioma is not supposed to be lasered before it’s stopped growing. It can cause scarring and improper healing if it is lasered prematurely. I wish Dr. Handler knew that. He was about to start messing with my daughter’s face. So grateful for a team of experts that steered us in the right direction. We’ll return monthly to monitor Emmy’s progress. I couldn’t be more pleased with the treatment we received and how thorough they were with everything.

The ultrasound lasted an hour. The tech was very thorough. Everyone was so helpful and made sure results were back and everything was done as quickly as possible since they knew we had driven all the way from Vegas and needed to head home. Dr. McConnell called me about 2 hours later to tell me that Emmy has five small hemangiomas on her liver and that he was relieved about the fact that they were small and felt fine with letting us go back to Vegas. The propranolol will stop the hemangiomas both on her body and internally from getting any bigger. And now maybe this ulcer on her face will go away soon since I know what to do for it.

Overall, it was an amazing experience, and I am so so grateful for doors that were opened and prayers that were answered so that we could get Emmy the attention she needs.

One more interesting thing – there’s a theory that hemangiomas can be caused from a lack of oxygen. When I got the results back from the pathology report on my calcified placenta, the dr. told me that the placenta had a lack of oxygen that caused the calcification and also made it so Emmy wasn’t getting enough oxygen. So maybe that’s a cause of all these hemangiomas? Either way, I couldn’t have prevented it, but it’s interesting that the two can be linked together. 

Sunday, September 14th

I feel like things are finally settling down a bit around here.  Emerlynn is 2 months old now, and I feel like I've gotten the hang of her for the most part. She's much less fussy than she was, and I think that's partly because of her trips to the chiropractor, getting her on the right formula (Hipp organic which I have to order from the UK), and the fact that she's getting older and putting on more weight. She is still up every 3 hours at night, but she generally goes back to sleep after she's finished her bottle. She is pretty routine about taking her bottle around 10pm and going to sleep right after that. I feel like there is hope that one day she'll actually sleep through the night. My mother, who I swear is straight out of heaven, has relieved me of baby duty many mornings and even some nights so that I have been able to catch up on my sleep. Bless her heart for that. 

Tomorrow Emerlynn finally has an appointment with a pediatric dermatologist. The hemangioma on her cheek has grown rapidly and started ulcerating, so the poor girl is in pain whenever it gets bumped. She actually has numerous smaller hemangiomas all over her body, but none of them have formed sores like the one on her cheek. It's impossible to take her out in public without getting stares and plenty of questions about her face. I just hate to feel like people are judging her, so I can be a little defensive at times and overly sensitive about people's curious glances. 

  

It looks like a giant scab, and you can see it's progression over several weeks. 

It looks awful, poor girl. 

But look at that perfect little face! It melts my heart, and all I want to do is kiss and kiss that sweet little mouth. 

Hopefully at our appointment tomorrow we can get some answers and decide what to do for treatment. At her first appointment at 4 weeks, they were just going to let it do its thing, but now that it appears to be ulcerated and painful, this dermatologist will likely prescribe medication and laser therapy. That's what I'm thinking from what I've read myself, but we will see. I can't wait for it to be gone. After her bath one day this week, it just started bleeding pretty heavily, which my pediatrician warned me could happen, but Emmy just screamed and cried like I've never heard before. So I know that it's painful now, and I hate that! Hopefully we can get rid of this dreadful thing ASAP!

Wednesday, September 3rd

I can’t help but feel apprehensive as I sit here blogging. Jacob is in bed, the boys are in bed, and Emmy is sleeping. So that means I should be too, especially considering that I need to take advantage of every opportunity to catch up on my rest. I know the baby will wake up as soon as I go to bed, but lately this is the only time I have to piece together whatever is left of my sanity. I don’t mean this as a complaint because I love what I do. I love this calling of motherhood. But some days I feel like I’m carrying the world, particularly after I have a baby and deal with my own psychological troubles and sleep deprivation. I feel like I’m giving more than I’ve got, running on fumes, getting by on nothing but the grace of God. And isn’t that what mothers do?

There’s so much to get done in a day. So many little lives to be responsible for. When I see women with 5 or 6 or more children, it amazes the daylights out of me. My mom had 5, and it was normal to me. I knew she was a wonderful mother, but not until I’ve had children of my own do I really understand how wonderful she was/is. In comparison, taking care of my 4 seems almost easy, like these supermoms could do it with their eyes closed. And, yet, I often feel like I’m drowning underneath a pile of everything that didn’t get done or that I didn’t do well enough or just did altogether wrong.

After I took the boys to school this morning, I went grocery shopping  with Logan and Emerlynn. Then we came home, and I put everything away before feeding and taking care of the baby while Logan ran wild and free around the house. With my attention more focused on Emmy right now, Logan has been a bit more mischievous. Every time I turn around he’s got his hands in some sort of mess-making trouble. And that’s just what we need around here – more messes. Then it was time to pick the boys up, run to Costco, get dinner made before scouts and Easton’s basketball practice, and come home and make sure the boys had done their homework and nightly reading and chores and showered and into bed. After all of that, we didn’t even get our family scripture reading done. Fail. After ALL of that, failure. I feel like so many days are like that. We’re filling our days with a hundred consuming demands and letting the most important things – the ones that sustain us – go undone. Most days I just wish I had it more together, and I suppose that’s what tomorrow is for.

I saw a quote on FB tonight that said “I lost myself when I became a mother but I found someone even more important” or something like that. It made me smile. It made me think of that scripture about losing your life in the service of God and actually finding it by doing so. We mothers really do have the world on our shoulders.  And, thankfully, the Lord is just a prayer away to make that world a bit lighter.

Tuesday, August 26th

Teagan started kindergarten yesterday. I was nervous for him in the weeks leading up to it, but for some reason, as I watched him walk in with his class yesterday, I felt my apprehension slip away and remembered that no child has ever died from going to kindergarten. So many things were running through my head – what if he has to go to the bathroom? What if he doesn’t know where to put his lunch box? What if he gets separated from his class and wanders the halls crying and nobody will help him? It’s hard to throw your child into the world of independence so abruptly. Suddenly he’s not under my wing for 7 hours of the day. He’s in the care of a teacher who doesn’t love him like I do. He’s just another student. And he’s in full-day kindergarten to top it off. I was nervous about all of that, but he was excited, so that made it easier for me. So it wasn’t so bad after all. Today, however, he already complained that school is boring, and he doesn’t want to go every day. Such a different attitude than Easton has ever had about school. Easton has been home sick with hand foot and mouth again. He and Logan are so far the only ones that have gotten it, so hopefully it stays that way. But Easton will go tomorrow for his first day of 3rd grade.

Life with a newborn can be rough, and in Emmy’s case, it has been. As they usually do, my anxiety, depression, and panic attacks set in about a week after Emmy got home from the NICU. That just so happens to be what I deal with after my babies are born, and I hate it, but everyone has their unique cross to bear. And I don’t think anyone is thrilled about their own trials. I had to get back on a high dose of medication to help, and I’ve already been feeling a lot better. It’s mostly just lingering anxiety and restlessness I feel, but it took about 6 weeks to go away after I started medication after Logan. So I take things a day at a time. My angelic mother has come and spent the night several times, and Patti has brought me dinners and helped with the other kiddoes. Heavenly Father doesn’t always take our burdens away, but He gives us the strength and help we need to bear them, often through the hands of other gracious people. I have truly felt that. There are so many good people at my disposal, and I thank the Lord for them daily.

Emerlynn will be 7 weeks in two more days. She has been a handful the past couple weeks. We can tell that her tummy bothers her. She often cries out in pain during her feedings, gets really gassy, and can be inconsolable for hours at a time. We can tell she is in pain. It’s not just a fussy cry. It is so hard to deal with crying that you can’t fix. It’s hard to watch her be in pain and be unable to take her pain away. Logan had a lot of tummy troubles too, but he was never as fussy as she’s been. It really takes a toll on your sanity and physical and emotional wellness to deal with it all day. A friend of mine recommended we take Emmy to a chiropractor that she took her baby to when she was colicky, so I did that yesterday. Afterwards, she was calm and relaxed and drank her bottles with no problem for about 16 hours straight. Then she got fussy again around 5am this morning, so I took her back again today in the late afternoon. If it helps her be happy, I’ll take her every single day for as long as she needs it. 

Sunday, July 13th Baby Emerlynn

Well, I’m not pregnant anymore, and that in and of itself is a reason to celebrate. My sweet little Emerlynn finally made her debut on Thursday, July 10th (due date July 18th) at 4:37 am weighing in at an itty bitty 4lbs 9oz and measuring just 16 inches long. Labor was great, just as awesome and easy as Logan’s was.

I started contracting here and there on Wednesday, and I was hoping that maybe it would be the day, even though it was 9 days before my due date. Towards the end of the day they were maybe happening once every 30-45 minutes. If you remember Logan’s labor, my contractions were 10-20 minutes apart the entire duration of my labor, so I was thinking that maybe this one would be the same. I told the boys that maybe I’d have the baby that night, and Teagan said, “Well, we did get her some lovely shoes.” And that is true, we did.

After putting the kids to bed, I figured I might as well try to go to sleep too. But I informed my mom and sis and Jacob’s parents that it might be the night, so they stood watch. Well, not really. They all went to sleep.  By 11pm, the contractions started coming at 15-20 minutes apart, but part of me was thinking they might just stop because they weren’t very intense or long, maybe 20 seconds. Jacob fell asleep by midnight, and at that point the contractions moved to 7-10 minutes apart. I waited until about 12:45 when they were consistently staying 7-10 minutes apart and lasting about 30-40 seconds long before I woke Jacob up and told him to call his dad over so we could head to the hospital.

We got to the hospital about 1:30am. They checked me in and asked 5 million questions before checking to see what I was dilated to. With Easton, I was dilated to a 6 when I got to my midwife’s, with Teagan I was a 7, with Logan I was an 8, and each time I was shocked to be so far along and not really in pain. So I figured it would be the same this time. But she checked me at 2am and I was a 3. A measly 3. And not thinned out at all. So I figured I was in for a different labor this time. She left me in triage for 45 minutes and came back to check me again, and I was a 5 and nearly completely thinned out, so they admitted me. After getting me to labor and delivery and asking 5 million more questions, the nurse checked me again and I was a 7-8. So they called Charlene to come in. My contractions stayed 6-10 minutes apart the whole time, and they were nothing I couldn’t breathe through, which made me very happy. Just like Logan’s labor. At about 4 am Charlene broke my water. I was still a 7-8 when she did that. I had about 5 contractions after that, and they got a little stronger each time. When the 5th one came, I felt that I’m-going-to-die pushy feeling and my body started bearing down. I called to Jacob who was sitting right next to me to push the button and get Charlene in there NOW, and they were in in about 20 seconds. When I say I have to push, it means my body just did something crazy and is starting to push on it’s own, just suddenly. It always catches me by surprise because from one contraction to the next I go from a strong period cramp to feeling like I’m going to die, all in an instant. When you feel your body start to push the baby out, I think it’s about the most excruciating discomfort one could ever feel, but thank the heavens that part lasts about two minutes for me. I pushed one time for about 20 seconds, stopped in the middle of it for a second because Charlene told me to, and then finished pushing while Emerlynn came shooting out like a rocket. From the time that I said “I have to push” to the time she came out, less than two minutes had gone by. I can handle two minutes of pain, no sweat. Seriously perfect labor. I’m always afraid since I go natural that I’m going to have some crazy unbearable labor, but the last two have been a dream, and I’m not complaining in the least bit. Several nurses had commented, “No wonder you go natural. If all women’s labors were like that I don’t think anyone would ever get an epidural.” I think the fact that I don’t get any Pitocin during labor plays a huge role in my pain being so minimal.

The pictures were taken in my room after I had been checked in and was dilated to a 7-8. Pardon the fat face and neck rolls, I know I look like a manatee. Pregnancy did not look good on me. I’m pretty sure Jacob was saying something ridiculous in the bottom picture, making me laugh while I was trying to breathe through a contraction. It was just the two of us this time. I decided to let our moms sleep since it was the middle of the night and I was going to need them refreshed to help with the kiddoes the next day, and Becca was sick and pregnant, so being at the hospital at 2am wasn’t really anyone’s ideal plan.

Once baby was out, they put her on my chest, and all I kept hearing was, “Look how tiny she is!” She didn’t really cry or move a lot on me, so they took her over beside the bed to suction her mouth and get her cleaned up. But she didn’t make a sound really. Her eyes were open and looking around while she was on me, so I wasn’t really paying attention to the fact that she wasn’t crying or breathing like she should have been. After a couple minutes, the nurse called in the NICU nurses, and they did a bunch of stuff to her before whisking her off to the NICU. Meanwhile, my placenta was stuck and wouldn’t come out for about 25-30 minutes. I was pushing, Charlene was tugging, and when it finally came out, half of it was severely calcified. That was likely why it was so hard to get out. Charlene said that it was also the likely reason that baby girl was so small – she wasn’t getting what she needed because half of my placenta was broken. Had I had an ultrasound in the third trimester, we could have caught it, but there was no need for one. I was measuring fine, my earlier ultrasounds were spot on, and baby was never in distress. There were no signs of any complications.

So our little lady has been in the NICU since Thursday, and they estimate that she’ll be in there 7-10 days. They are slowly weaning her off her oxygen to make sure she is going to be able to breathe on her own. Right now she is being fed through a tube to be sure that her tummy can tolerate her food. I guess there is a correlation between breathing and gut problems, so they are introducing food slowly. I also tested positive for GBS as I did with Logan, and I only got one dose of antibiotics in my system during labor. They like you to get two, and since she was having troubles, they started her on antibiotics for 7 days. Her platelets were low on Friday, which is a sign of possible infection, so they are waiting for test results to come back from the placenta to see if there is anything wrong. She’s improved every day that she’s been in. Her bilirubin was high on Saturday so they also put her under a blue light for jaundice, but lots of babies get jaundice, so that’s not a big deal. Today the bilirubin had gone down from 12.9 to 11, and they want it to be at 7. Hopefully that gets better this week. She’s gotten more formula each day and less oxygen, so she’s doing well.

I came home Saturday afternoon to a house full of little boys that missed me. Ok, Logan missed me. Easton and Teagan are having a great time going back and forth to grandmas’ houses. But Logan was dying without me. He just clung to me and touched my face and kept saying, “Mom, you home. Missed you.” He was still saying that today too. He’s also got a nasty cough and snotty nose, so this sick little guy got me home at just the right time. It’s a good thing Emmy isn’t at home yet. The big boys have had coughs, but Logan got it the worst. And the last thing I need is for my itty bitty girl to get a big nasty cough. If she comes home at the end of this week, hopefully this house will be healthy again.

Tuesday, July 1st, 2014

I’m down to the last 2 1/2 weeks before Emerlynn’s due date. It has somehow passed ever so slowly and quickly at the same time, if that’s possible. I guess we are ready for her. I have stuff for her, if that’s what being ready means. I didn’t have a baby shower because I’ve been so anti-social and annoyed at people that I thought it best to steer clear of a big crowd of people that would only ask me annoying questions and lie about how fat I am. The thought of all of the baby shower nonsense just exhausted me. But my mom, Patti, Becca, and Geana have all given me plenty of girly necessities and terribly adorable clothes to get me started. I really want to see this darling little girl and move on to the next miserable stage that is the newborn stage. After that, though, the sun shines again. I don’t think I was this uncomfortable with Logan. Towards the end it was hard to sleep at night, but I felt good. I only gained 9 lbs, and this time I’m at 27. I also wasn’t moody and grumpy with Logan. Maybe the fact that this is a girl has something to do with my constant annoyance with people – their pity stares, stupid comments, constantly asking me when I’m due, lying that I look adorable. I have felt better the past couple weeks, but I hate church. It’s very uncomfortable to sit with your legs dangling for 3 hours in a dress when you can’t cross your legs so you’re sitting like a man in all your pregnant glory. I even put my feet up on the chair in front of me during Sunday School and Relief Society, don’t care who’s judging. I’m done. It’s 110 degrees out too. This is my first time being heavy with child in the Las Vegas summer, and it really is terrible. So these are my woes. Woe is me.

Becca is pregnant! She is 12 or 13 weeks along, due beginning of January. And Joe and Laura are having a little girl around mid-November. Lots of babies in our family being born just a few months apart. We all get to be miserable together.

This summer has been a bit duller than last summer which I can attribute to my very pregnant body. It’s so hot out that unless you’re swimming you might as well stay inside. It’s swimming or nothing. I’m always tired and lazy, so unfortunately my boys have rotted at least half their brains in front of the TV. Our backyard is a desert wasteland that certainly doesn’t encourage them to go outside. Easton and Teagan have been spending a lot of time playing in their stuffed animal club in the loft. I’ve finally felt a bit more energetic these past 2 or 3 weeks that I’ve made them turn off the TV and play, and they have so much fun when they do. Their stuffed animal club is adorable. For some reason, my boys are really big into their animals. They sleep with piles of them on their bed and tend to think that they are living creatures that need attention and kindness, particularly Easton.

Easton started basketball last week. He’s playing for the local rec center just for the summer. His first practice was last week, and he left completely exhausted from all the drills and squats he was doing. I’m just happy he is getting exercise. He really loves basketball, so I’m glad that he gets to play just for fun on a recreational league. I’m not the type to do serious sports with my children at such a young age. Aint nobody got time for that. Especially if you have more than one child that wants to play sports.

Logan is growing up so much, but we still look at him with all the tenderness we would a baby. It will be a sad day when we bring Emerlynn home from the hospital and Logan “The Baby” is the baby no more. Easton and Teagan lost their baby-hood at 3, not 2, so I’m not prepared for Logan to lose his so early. It will definitely be an adjustment. We have been planning to transition him to a bunk bed with the boys, but I haven’t had the heart or courage to take him out of the crib yet. Emerlynn will take over his room and the crib when she’s 4 weeks, so I guess there’s still a little bit of time, but I’m worried about him not sleeping once he transitions to a bed. I know he’ll think it’s the best thing ever getting to bunk with big brothers, but I’m pretty sure he’ll just think every night is a party. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when it comes.

There are still so many projects that I wanted done around the house before Emerlynn got here. I imagined I’d tackle them all the same way I was painting and redoing furniture the last few weeks of Logan’s pregnancy, but I’ve already mentioned how tired and unmotivated I am this time around. So I got my one antique dresser painted, but not completely painted. I planned to do the filing cabinets, the shoe bench, the entryway console, the baby’s dresser, an upright mirror, and the bench at the foot of my bed. None of those have gotten done. It’s sad, really. I feel like we still just barely moved in our house with everything that hasn’t been done yet, and we’ve been here almost 4 months now. I also want to paint my kitchen cabinets, my nightstands, my dresser, and redo our kitchen table.

I guess I mostly just want to have this baby, and then maybe I can get my energy/motivation/body back.

Sunday, April 27th

Today I drove up to St. George with some friends from the ol’ Grand Canyon Ward to see one of my former Mia Maids (Sydnee Yates) give her farewell talk. She’s leaving in a week and a half to serve a mission in Argentina. Sydnee and her sister Madison are two of my favorite girls ever. It was so good to see them and their amazing family and remember how much I love those girls! They were the reason I loved being in Young Women’s. It was such a beautiful spring day in Ivins (right outside St. George), and I decided that some day I would love to live there. It’s got the kind of warm, snowless climate I fancy. And in the event that I ever had to move away from my family, it’s only a 2-hr drive. Anyway, we’ll likely never move there. Just dreaming of prettier places.

We moved into our new home around March 17th. We got the keys that week and started slowly moving things in here and there, and we were out of our other house by the 21st. I don’t want to move for at least 5 years. And it will have to be into a bigger house to be worth it. We are loving our new home and all the space. We have a backyard with a trampoline and swing set. We have a front yard with a porch and a driveway. We live 3 mins from my sister and parents. Easton loved his new school the very first day, and our new ward is just fine. Honestly, we don’t really know anyone yet, and I’m pregnant and anti-social, so I don’t love it, I don’t hate it. I’m just right in the middle about it, sort of apathetic like I am about all things in life right now. This pregnancy has been great as far as not being sick at all, but I’m tired and lethargic and grumpy all the time. I have no motivation to do things, people really annoy me, and I find it’s better to not care about things. I’ve never felt annoyed and grumpy in any of my pregnancies, so I’ll just attribute it to the fact that I’m having a girl, and girls are moody. So I’m moody for two right now or something. Who knows. Who even cares. Bec and Jud keep telling me that I’m the most negative person on the planet right now, and I would say that’s typically not like me.

Logan turned 2 this month. I love that little twerp. All things naughty about him are forgotten with one fleeting flash of his smiley white teeth. He drives me insane. In. Sane. He is so bad. He throws tantrums, hits, screams, makes the possibility of a clean house nothing but an illusion, but he also says, “Mitsed you” when I get home from somewhere. He says it to me first, not as a reply. Be still my heart, right? The slate is wiped clean, he is an angel child who can do no wrong. I will, however, die (DIE) when Teagan goes to school this fall and leaves me home alone with Logan and Emerlynn. I just can’t handle the thought of E and T both being at school and leaving me alone with the two younger ones all day. I won’t last a day before I’ve pulled them both out to homeschool them so that they can help me with Logan.

Oh, Joe and Laura are having a baby! She’s about 10 weeks. We are so excited, and everyone is secretly – no – openly hoping for a boy so that my dad will have his dream of his sons passing on his Romero name. I’ve got plenty of boys, but it does my dad no good if they aren’t Romeros. She’s due in November, and they’ll be able to find out the gender in about 4 weeks. Fun stuff!

We are off to the beach in 2 weeks! We so look forward to our annual beach trip, and we didn’t do one last year, so it’s long overdue. We’ll be staying in a beach house for a week having the time of our lives doing nothing with our kiddoes and Jacob’s family and Bec and Jud.

I’ve got 12 more weeks to go in this pregnancy. I’m anxious to meet my little Emerlynn, but not too anxious. I know what happens when they come out. Exhaustion, fatigue, night sweats, crying, fussing, and that’s just on my part. Add the baby into the mix, and the post-partum stage is an absolute disaster. But I still can’t wait to hold her and sniff her and kiss her at the hospital. I just wish they’d let me stay there for a month so that I could sleep and she could go to the nursery at night. They should have a place like that because I would go there. I’m 28 weeks and a few days in the picture. Feeling like a beluga whale, but trying to remember to be grateful that the Lord made my body able to bear these sweet little children that I love so much. Not every woman gets to do it, and it is certainly a miracle.

Tuesday, March 18th Moving Week

It’s moving week. The moving started today. Mostly everything is packed, but the kitchen needs to go now. “She’s blogging when she should be packing?” you ask. Yes, yes I am. People have been extending their sympathies to me about moving while pregnant. What’s the big deal, right? So I’m pregnant, I’m not crippled. I can still move. I’m not dying. I’m only 23 weeks. But I may as well be a bump on a log. I sit way too much. I rest way too much. I just need to close my eyes for a minute way too much. I feel like a beached whale. So as it turns out, moving while pregnant is NOT that awesome, and I really am tired. People have offered to help, letting me know that they’d love to help. But nobody LOVES to help move. We all hate it. With a deep and bitter hatred. So much so that we all contemplate burning all that we own and just buying new stuff at the new house. Because of how much everyone hates moving, I don’t like to have people help me move, unless it’s my family or Jacob’s. Joe, Juddy, and Jacob’s dad loaded up a bunch of stuff today while Jacob was working. He’s not off until Thursday and Friday unfortunately, so, even though we got keys yesterday, we really can’t give it all we’ve got until Thursday since he works each night until 8:30.

Easton started at his new school today, and I was so very nervous this morning when I took him because of how very nervous he was. He loved his teacher at Conners, Mrs. Lee, and she gave him the sweetest little goodbye book with notes and pictures from every student in the class. It was sad to have to move him this late into the school year. Anyway, when I picked him up after school he said that his day was awesome and that he loved it. Big ol’ fat sigh of relief.

Sunday, February 23rd

We’ve had a few important things going on around here this month, and instead of taking a much needed nap, I decided to update before the feeling gets away from me. We have really early church, but the good part of that is that church that starts early ends early, and there’s time to take a nap and relax afterwards. I’ve only taken the sacrament 2 times this year, however, because I can’t seem to make it on time. I have such a hard time waking up in the morning, even if I go to bed early, and when you add being pregnant to that, it’s almost impossible to get me up before 7:50 am. My husband happens to have the same problem, but Easton and Teagan usually wake up around 7:30 and take care of themselves until their very responsible parents get their butts out of bed.

Remember when Easton was born? I do. And I also remember when he was baptized on February 1st. I don’t know when it happened, but he is nearly a full-grown man. He’s such a good kid. He’s insightful, intuitive, responsible, genuine, helpful, and he has the best heart. In so many ways, he gets what other kids his age don’t. He was way excited to be baptized, and it was a great day. Almost all of my siblings were there except Adam and Amber and, of course, my dad. Jacob’s parents were the only ones there on his side since the rest of his siblings are on a mission, away at college, or living in UT. Amanda and Ryan came, Andrea was there, and of course Adam and Angelica. We took just a few pics before the baptism with Easton. He has a black eye from playing basketball on the playground at school.  Don’t judge me, I look like a cow.

Teagan turned 5 on February 4th. He’s such a hoot. He gets a kick out of everything. We went out to dinner on his birthday, but since he’s 5 he got a big friends party on Feb 14th. It also happened to be Valentine’s Day, so the kids brought Valentines for an exchange at the end of the party. We did it at Jacob’s parents’ in their backyard. We rented a jump house and then the kids just ran all over playing in their big backyard. Teagan had so much fun, and that’s why we did it. I barely took any pictures because I was too busy talking to friends. Oh, his cake has a rainbow on it. Poor planning on my part. I was going to make the cake, but my ambition had dwindled by the end of the week, so the night before we ran to Costco and bought a cake. There was a rainbow cake, and the rest were flower cakes. He got the better deal, believe you me. But he took one look at what he wanted to be a spiderman cake, and his face fell with disappointment and confusion, maybe even a little repulsion. But miraculously Jacob and I convinced him that rainbows and clouds and sunshine were awesome things. So he was fine with it by the time his party came.

And the mustache is from the Valentines that Jackson brought.

So, we also found a house, put in an offer, and it was accepted. It’s a 3-minute drive from my parents and sister and closer to Jacob’s parents too. It has a big backyard, big sideyard, a good size kitchen, brand new carpet and fresh paint, and the cabinets look new too. It also has a driveway, and I feel like it has come to us as an answer to prayers. I really like the area, and though it’s not my dream home, I love the house and it will be great for the nest few years. It will fit our family nicely. It’s also in a cul-de-sac. That was important to me since my  boys are always playing outside. It’s set to close on March 17th, so hopefully it will go smoothly from here on out. We really like the area we are in right now, but houses around here either have super small yards and no driveways and are stacked right on top of each other or are over our budget. So we’re moving north of where we are now, but it will be nice to be just around the corner from my sister. We can’t wait.

Tuesday, January 28th Needed

The past several nights I have slunk into bed, exhausted at the thought of being needed one more time by anyone for any reason. My poor husband has gotten all the leftover energy and mental capacity that I go to bed with each night. It reminds me of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, when the grinch takes everything from the Who’s houses and leaves crumbs that are even too small for a mouse. That’s what Jacob has been getting from me – crumbs.

First thing in the morning, I open my eyes to hear the baby crying. Because he needs me. Then Teagan is hungry, and he will DIE (DIE!) if he doesn’t get breakfast before I drop Easton off at school. He needs me to feed him. Easton needs a healthy home-made lunch for school. The house needs me to clean it. The less-active women in my ward need to be visited because it’s my calling as a ward missionary to do that weekly. Logan is fussy, and he needs me to hold him. And Teagan needs to be schooled while Easton is at school. If I sit down on the couch, Logan and Teagan fight over who will sit on my lap because they both need to be on me all the time.  And the people around me are always SO hungry, all day long, needing me to feed them, needing me to make dinner. Then I pick Easton up from school and the needing continues. I have to help with homework, tuck the boys in bed, read them bedtime stories, and sing them their bedtime songs. The dog needed to me to take her to the groomer’s this week. Even the dog needs me. She follows me all around the house just needing to be next to me. And little baby Emerlynn living inside my body needs me to survive. Everybody needs me. All day long from the time I wake up I am needed.

This is not a situation that is unique to me – mothers everywhere are needed to give and give and give until they have nothing left to give except for crumbs. The crumbs of our sanity, our energy.Unfortunately, that’s often what Jacob gets at the end of the night -  an exhausted sigh from his emotionally spent wife as he reaches over to touch my arm, and I pull away while my silent thoughts say to him, “Oh, now YOU need me too?” Poor man. Poor children with their tired mother.  It’s work for me to do things these days, even little things. I don’t want to sound like I don’t love my life because I do, and I love the people in it. I love those little ones that need so much from me and the sweet man that needs me too. Were it all to go away, my grief would be unbearable, and I would long for the moments that I was so needed. But sometimes I need to shower or pee alone or walk downstairs to put something away without Logan thinking I’m abandoning him. I need things, too. Like more time in the day. And a house keeper. And a chef. A personal trainer too, or instead someone to workout for me by proxy. I need to eat more often. Without sharing it with all the people that I made sure to feed before I ate so that I could eat in peace. This little baby inside me needs more than the 20 glasses of water I live off of each day. But there’s no time for me. I washed my hair and did my makeup today instead of schooling Teagan because it’s always one or the other. How some people manage to get so many things done in a day astounds me. Like women that wash their hair every day? I can’t imagine such a thing as that. I need someone (other than my husband whose tips are always received more as criticism) to micromanage my day and time and then do it all for me while I just lay on the couch and do nothing. That sounds lovely. That’s what I need.

Friday, January 17th Gender Reveal

 

And there she is. Little miss Emerlynn Patrice. There’s no dangling appendage, no protrusion of any sort. Just a little slit, and that is a very unfamiliar sight in this household. If you remember the day I found out Logan was a boy, I was pretty upset. I was so sure he was a girl, and both Jacob and I had our hearts set on a girl. That disappointment lasted for a day, and then I became content and excited about my house full of boys. It’s me and the boys, always me and the boys. And now it won’t be. In all honesty, there was just a little bit of disappointment as the ultrasound tech pointed out the absence of a key appendage to make this little baby a boy – it wasn’t there. We were very much ready, and excited, to have four little boys living under our roof.

My boys are perfect, not in the sense that they do nothing wrong, but in the sense that they are boys that love and cuddle and dote on their mother. We have something perfect between us. They are little darlings in every way, and they’re all I know and all I love. That’s what I mean when I say I was a little disappointed because I was super excited about getting another little brute to add to our family. I want a girl, I do. I need a daughter to be my friend when my boys grow up and start cleaving to their wives. But what will a little girl do in this place? I’ll have to comb her hair and learn various sorts of braids. And make her look like all the other little girls do – lots of bows and painted nails, princess dresses and trendy clothes (there are always cute clothes to be purchased). Ain’t nobody got time for that, and yet she can’t run around looking like a dirty ragamuffin, so I’ll have to make time.

Out of genuine excitement for us, several people have commented that I am FINALLY getting my girl. As if after having spent my time in the sludge of parenthood, I am finally coming out victorious (as inferred by an overly-sensitive pregnant woman). Nothing unkind or offensive to my boys was meant, but it kind of made me feel like they were saying, “After all those nasty boys, you’ll finally have a little girl to make up for all the suffering and pain”. Again, nobody implied that, I only inferred it. And I’m certain nobody thinks that. But I got a little defensive, inwardly. We would have been so excited to have another boy. How we love little boys! But we are getting a little lady, and how we will love her. I’m sure of it. We’re just very surprised, so this needs to settle in.

But now she’ll need a sister because what girl can possibly live this life without a sister?! 

Monday, January 6, 2014

And another year bites the dust. Epic blog failure for 2013. I rather enjoy blogging and look forward to seeing all my journaling efforts made into a book each year, but I still haven’t made books for 2011 and 2012. I’ve started 2011’s but it’s a lot of work. Maybe I can just squeeze the 5 posts from 2013 into my 2012 book when I one day get around to that.  However, let’s not start the year off counting all of last year’s failures. Maybe this year I’ll document our family’s happenings more frequently so that they are actually remembered, but then again, maybe I won’t.

Anthony and Geana had their little baby girl, Evalyn, on December 4th. What a darling little thing she is! She makes me want a little girl just like her.

Amber and I threw her baby shower on Nov. 16th at my mom’s house. So much easier to throw a shower with someone’s help! I made zuppa toscana, my mom made a creamy tortellini soup, and Amber made a Mediterranean pasta salad. We served it with salad and bread and hot spinach artichoke dip. I kept the dessert simple by making fluffy sugar cookies and cream cheese topping and serving that with fresh fruit to create your own mini fruit pizzas. Quite yummy.

 

Easton had a big birthday on December 12, 2013. He turned 8. I’m not going to say what every parents says when their children turn another year older, but I’m certainly thinking it. Since it was his 8th birthday, he got to have a friend party at Pump It Up on December 13th. What a blast it was for everyone, and I don’t know if I’ll ever throw my own party again. That place did everything. They unloaded my car, put out the food, served the children, set up the room, cut the cake, loaded gifts into my car, cleaned everything up, and I got to sit back and enjoy the night for a small fee of $229. We don’t do birthday parties around here, at least not big ones where we invite friends, but we do for the ages of 5 and 8, maybe 12. So I don’t mind splurging on those years. Teagan’s 5th birthday is coming up in a month, so I’ll have to get his party planned too (Lousy pictures from the party, but sometimes I want to be present at events and not taking pictures).

Between Easton’s birthday and Christmas, life was a blur of fun family activities. I felt like we had something every night, and none of us went to bed before 10pm, the baby included. We did the Magical Forest with Jacob’s family, the live Nativity, played in the snow at Mt. Charleston, had gingerbread making nights, watched movies, went to a couple Christmas parties, went shooting, out to the dry lake bed, and spent time with our families. Jacob’s siblings were in town from UT for a week during Christmas break, so we did a lot with his family. We really had a lot of fun.

Magical Forest

Playing in the snow at Mt. Charleston (Jacob was there too :/)

Fun at the dry lake bed

Shooting with Dad and Grandpa

Took the kids to a Rebels game with Bed and Jud

Christmas morning was magical. And in a perfect world I would have a lot of pictures to show for that, but, again, I like to enjoy things without a camera in my hand.

They all got duck calls. They’re kind of big Duck Dynasty fans.

Lots more awesome presents are not pictured.

For New Years Eve, Bec, Jud, and Sadie came over to watch movies. We partied like it was 1999. They left at 11:30 because they are old. The rest of us stayed up until midnight to watch the fireworks on the strip from our third floor window. And maybe we blew up some balloons, drank sparkling cider, and made quiet noises so as to not wake the sleeping toddler.

Beginning Christmas Day our home has been plagued with all sorts of ailments from hand foot and mouth disease, which has overtaken each one of the children one by one, to sore throats, fevers, and Sunday morning Easton and Logan woke up sick with fevers and chest congestion. We are all congested, but those two are definitely the sickest of the brood. I don’t count myself sick unless I’m confined to my bed or the couch and, thank the heavens, so far I have not been.

In other news, I am 12 weeks pregnant. And in awesome news, I haven’t been sick at all. Like barely even for a minute I’ll feel nauseous only if my stomach is super empty, but the minute I eat or even drink a glass of water, I’m completely fine.  It’s been perfect. Like E and T’s pregnancies were. I heard the heartbeat and saw baby kick at 10 1/2 weeks, so hopefully everything is still going good. We should be having another baby sometimes around July 18th. Can’t wait!