‘I was dating an infectious disease doctor who wound up being an insane alcoholic — and that’s my thing. In most relationships, there’s one alcoholic, and then one person who’s sad about it. I wanted to be, like, the fun one’
Amy Schumer has been labeled as raunchy and obscene. But her act isn’t racier than anything her male counterparts have trotted out for decades. As she told in Esquire back in 2015, “I get labeled a sex comic. But if a guy got up on-stage and pulled his dick out, everybody would say: ‘He’s a thinker.’”
That anachronistic spirit and willingness to push boundaries is why we’re inducting these 15 jokes and moments from her career into the Comedy Hall of Fame…
" “I have a little bit of news to share with you guys: I finally just slept with my high school crush. I swear, now he expects me to go to his graduation — like I know where I’m gonna be in three years.” “At that age, for men, the most embarrassing thing is unwanted erections, but then they grow up and show them to everyone.” “I’ve been getting out of that Spider-Man costume. Did I miss anything? There’s, like, a different vibe in here.” The stars turned out for Schumer’s first big movie project (as star and screenwriter): Judd Apatow, Bill Hader, an unrecognizable Tilda Swinton, LeBron James playing a fictional version of himself (before Space Jam 2 ruined that novelty) and the first real taste of John Cena’s comedic acting chops. “The kids didn’t call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, ‘Excuse me — this is awesome!’” “I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but to be honest, I’ll be like, ‘You’re gonna wanna wear this. I’ve had a busy month. It’s like a petri dish right now. I don’t know what’s happening.’” “Speaking of things that should already be dead, Charlie Sheen is still alive! Charlie, I’m a fan. You were amazing in Platoon. Your marriage to Denise Richards was kind of like her Vietnam, because she was constantly afraid of being killed by Charlie. But there’s no denying how famous you are. I mean, it was international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls living with you — you know, your daughters.” “I was dating an infectious disease doctor for a little bit this year ’cause two birds. He wound up being an insane alcoholic — and that’s my thing. In most relationships, there’s one alcoholic, and then one person who’s sad about it. I wanted to be, like, the fun one.” “You feel like such a dirty whore buying Plan B. It’s so embarrassing, because it’s over-the-counter but you have to ask your pharmacist. They know what you want but they make you ask. They’re lookin’ at me, and I’m like, ‘You see where my eyeliner is, just give it to me.’” Winning three Primetime Emmys and a Peabody Award, her show on Comedy Central was a mix of sketch comedy, stand-up and interviews, with a ton of A-list guest stars along the way. “I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea. He was really tan. He had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang. I was like, ‘He’s probably in a band.’” “In New York, I’m a six — a seven with all the padding. But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, ‘What the fuck is that?’ Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, ‘Beyonce calls it jelly.’ They were like, ‘That’s cottage cheese, bitch. Do some lunges.’” “My husband’s the best. Before we have sex, he always puts the lights on. I shut them off, and he puts them back on. He’s like, ‘Amy, why are you so shy? You have a beautiful body.’ I'm like, ‘Oh, my god, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me.’” “My mom is always bragging about the dumbest shit. The other day she was telling me and my sister, ‘You know, I can still fit in my wedding dress.’ We were like, ‘Oh my god, who cares?’ I mean, it’s weird that she’s the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.” “I would say in 50 percent of my relationships, I initiate the sex, and then 50 percent we don’t have it. But I’ve been in relationships where it’s always the dude, and then later realize he was a sex addict. Have you ever dated a sex addict? It’s so fun at first when you don’t know. You’re like, ‘Am I the hottest piece of ass in the world?’ Then you’re like, ‘Oh, no, he would fuck a mailbox.’”On Her High School Crush
On Puberty for Boys
Her Joke Immediately Post-Slap at Last Year’s Oscars
‘Trainwreck’
On Her Childhood
On Asking Guys to Wear a Condom
Roasting Charlie Sheen
On Relationship Roles
On Plan B
‘Inside Amy Schumer’
On Regretful Hookups
On Her Looks
On Sex with Her Husband
On Bragging
On Sex Addiction
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