Vol 60: Issue 42

Commentary

AI? Ai-Yai-Yai!

Question for Jeanketeers: Who do you write to if you want to get things to stop changing? Congress? Or influencers, like a lady I spotted…
Entertainment

BREAKING: Holy Shit, Daniel Day-Lewis Is In This

CLEVELAND—Screaming with delight when the rarely seen star appeared onscreen in the opening scene of the film, sources confirmed Thursday that, holy shit, Daniel Day-Lewis…
Football

NFL Referees Share New Penalty Tip Line Number

NEW YORK—NFL referees announced Monday they had started a new tip line to which penalties could be reported, part of an effort to streamline the…
Local

Military Recruiter Enlists Ragtag Bunch Of Teen Misfits To Die In Overseas Conflict

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that even the most hopeless group of outcasts could eventually be whipped into shape, Army recruiter Sgt. Paul Ackers confirmed Thursday that he…
Local

CEO Motivates Self By Keeping Own Photo On Desk

NEW YORK—Saying it reminded him why he comes to work every morning, Solarion Enterprises CEO Dan Lipcot told reporters Friday that in order to stay…
News

FEMA Administrator Resigns After Accidentally Playing Porn On Emergency Alert System

WASHINGTON—Apologizing for the terrifying series of events that left shocked, confused, and disgusted citizens screaming, crying, and searching for cover, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator…

Entertainment

Justin Bieber Forgets Wife’s Name

LOS ANGELES—Staring blankly at the 27-year-old woman sitting across from him, musical artist Justin Bieber told reporters Thursday that he had forgotten his wife’s name. “I’d…
News

Large, Playful Sheepdog Knocks Over Houston Skyline

HOUSTON—In a devastating accident that left the entire downtown area in smoldering ruins, officials confirmed Tuesday that the Houston skyline had been knocked over by…
News

KitchenAid Unveils New Culinary Mech Suit

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Confirming that the device would give home cooks the speed, efficiency, and power of over 200 professional chefs, appliance brand KitchenAid announced Wednesday…
Commentary

Take Me To Your Girlboss

By Commander Byxxurian Greetings, earthlings. I am Commander Byxxurian from Nebula Vriphlaxor-9. I come bearing a message of utmost importance from the galactic consortium. Its…
Local

Years Of Inbreeding Causes Dog To Birth British Man

MANASSAS, VA—Producing numerous congenital and physical anomalies that include extreme Anglo-Saxon deformities, years of inbreeding reportedly caused a pug named Mabel to give birth to…
News

Secretary Of Interior Asks Nation’s Help Identifying Leaf

WASHINGTON—Mounting a public campaign in an effort to determine the origin of the unrecognized foliage specimen, Secretary of the Interior Deb Haaland asked the nation…

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