10. Four Christmases
What's more festive than family dysfunction and projectile baby vomit? When a vacationing couple (Reese Witherspoon, Vince Vaughn) get grounded at the airport, they're forced to visit each of their divorced parents. Not even four credited writers and five Oscar winners (Witherspoon, Sissy Spacek, Robert Duvall, Mary Steenburgen and Jon Voight) could make the 88 miserable minutes of Christmases worth one viewing.
9. Jingle All the Way
Celebrate the true meaning of Christmas: consumerism! It's jingle hell all the way when a workaholic dad (Arnold Schwarzenegger) promises his kid the season's hottest toy, Turbo Man. Dashing through the snow and stores, Ah-nuld battles massive crowds and a maniacal mailman (Sinbad) to find the sold-out action figure. Why would anyone want this plastic, disposable, mass-marketed junk? And we don't mean Turbo Man.
8. Fred Claus
Vince Vaughn again? The former Wedding Crasher is now crashing Christmas! He slips into familiar wisecracker mode as Santa's slacker older brother, Fred, who takes a job helping creepy-looking elves at the North Pole. It's dispiriting to see the Santa-sized sacks of cash and talent, including Paul Giamatti and Rachel Weisz, wasted on dead-end Fred. Dash away, dash away, dash away all!
7. Christmas With the Kranks
This mirthless adaptation of John Grisham's book Skipping Christmas casts Santa Clause himself, Tim Allen, as papa Krank. When he and his wife (Jamie Lee Curtis) dare to forgo any holiday celebrations, the festivity fascists pressure them to conform. Conform! Christmas wraps up relentlessly unfunny gags in sappy yuletide sentiment that's as authentic as a flocked aluminum tree. Skip it.
6. Santa With Muscles
Grrr, this 98-pound weakling of a flick gives us 'roid rage! Hulk Hogan plays a wealthy, stingy fitness guru who suffers amnesia, thinks he's the real Kris Kringle, and tries to save an orphanage from an evil germaphobe mining for energy crystals. No, really. And the Hulkster's "acting"? Let's just say he's had more stimulating onscreen performances. We're guessing Mila Kunis, who appears as an oh-so-adorable orphan, would like to believe this Santa doesn't exist.
5. Deck the Halls
Tons of tinsel and even two Kristins (Davis and Chenoweth) can't dress up this dreck. Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito star as dim-bulb suburbanites trying to out-wattage each other with holiday light displays. Who's dying to see Broderick covered in camel spit and dung at a living nativity? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller??
4. The Nutcracker in 3D
As wooden as the ugly title character, this seriously cracked Nutcracker features Elle Fanning and Nathan Lane as her fright-wigged Uncle Albert Einstein. How random is that theory of relativity? Fans of Tchaikovsky's ballet will be bummed there's not a tutu, pas de deux, or dancing snowflake in sight. Instead, we get rat soldiers riding motorcycles and robo-copters with their machine guns blaring. Ugh, shoot us now.
3. Surviving Christmas
Bah! Screw goodwill toward men! In this crass, misanthropic misfire, a millionaire mogul (Ben Affleck) pays strangers (James Gandolfini, Catherine O'Hara) living in his childhood home to pretend they're his family. Affleck mugs so much you want to smack him with a shovel. At least we get to see Tony Soprano do that. If only the boss had whacked this turkey of a movie before it got to our table.
2. Black Christmas
Nobody's dreaming of this Black Christmas, a wretched, retch-inducing remake of the 1974 cult fave. There's gore galore, plus incest and cannibalism, when an escaped psycho with mommy issues (is there any other kind?) terrorizes Michelle Trachtenberg and her interchangeable sorority sisters. Just how painful is this slay ride? Imagine stabbing icicles into your eyes for 90 minutes.
1. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Mars doesn't need moms—it needs jolly ol' St. Nick to cheer up the mopey martian moppets. So goes the silly setup of spaced-out Santa, which debuts a prepubescent Pia Zadora as a martian girl. Even more alienating? The dippy theme song "Hooray for Santy Claus" will be dancing in your head like so many rotten sugarplums!