Lift the Veil for Love

LIFT THE VEIL FOR LOVE

David J. Hathaway B.S.Psych; M.A.Clg.Psych.

Smashwords edition, copyright 2013

Copyright 4/4/2013 by David J. Hathaway; B.A. Psych. M.A. Clg. Psych.;

All rights reserved

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INTRODUCTION—THE VEIL

The veil has been used by women throughout history to limit the gaze of outsiders but during the marriage ceremony the veil is lifted to allow light on the bride and reveal her beauty that has been hidden.

Along with physical veils, we also put up psychological veils that hide the true nature of our relationships.

This book is about how to lift our psychological veils and allow light to shine on true nature of our relationships.With this light we see beyond the darkness of our fears and guilt and discover the true beauty of love.

Table of Contents

VEILED NEEDS

A. Childhood Experiences Form Our Veils

B. The Veil of Limited Perceptions

C. The Veil of Self- interest.

D. Raise the Veil to Stop, Look, and Listen

E. Grow Up! Lift the veil on Narcissism

F. Lift the Veil for Renewed Vision

CHAPTER II THICKER VEILS

A.—Conflict

1. My View Verses Yours (Stage One)

2. Fear—(Stage Two)

3. Anger & Control—(Stage Three)

4. Revenge — (Stage Four)

5. Withdrawal — (Stage Five)

6. Resignation — (Stage Six)

7. Indifference — (Stage Seven)

8. Substitution. — (Stage Eight)

9. Other Relationships (Stage Nine)

B. The Downward Spiral — An Overview

l. Conflict of needs

2. Fear

3a. Anger

3b. Control

4. Revenge

5. Withdrawal

6. Resignation

7. Indifference

8. Other Relationships

C. The Downward Spiral — A Summary

CHAPTER III CONFLICT AND COOPERATION

A. Four Views of Relationships

1. Only my Way—Aggressive

2. Only Your Way—Passive

3. My way—Assertive

4. Our way—Cooperative

B. Mix and Match (Partnerships with Different Views).

1. Aggressive Person with an Aggressive Partner

2. Aggressive Person with a Passive Partner

3. Aggressive Person with Cooperative Partner

4. Assertive Person with Passive Partner

C. COMPETITION — (I’m Better than You)

D. Methods of Cooperation

1. Third Alternative—(Something Different)

2. Compromise—(Each gets some and gives some)

3. Take Turns

4. Compensation—(Make up for it)

5. Chance—(Flip coin)

6. Peaceful Co- existence—(Don’t need to agree)

7. Arbitration—(Outside help)

a. Informative Arbitration—(Get specific information)

b. Facilitation—(Get help making your decision)

c. Binding—(Let someone else decide for the two of us.)

8. Rights vs. Needs

CHAPTER IV COMMUNICATION

A. Importance of Communication—(Talk to Me!)

B. Communication of Emotion—Under the Surface

1. Empathy—(You Don’t Care How I Feel.)

2. Women talk more to share emotions; men think more to achieve goals—(Women feel more first- Men think more first)

C. Communication and Conflict

1. Interruptions—Unintentional — (I Just Can’t Wait To Hear Me Talk)

3. Time Out

4. Rebuttals—(But... But...But...)

5. Body- Language / Tone of Voice—(Stand Up Straight!)

6. Mind- Reading—(I know what you’re thinking!)

D. Four- Step Model to Lift the Veil for Better Communication

1. When you… (Actions)

2. I Think... (My interpretation)

3. & I Feel… (My emotions)

4. & What I Would Appreciate Is… (Alternative actions)

4.Selfishness

CHAPTER V RELATIONSHIP'S MANY LEVELS

A. Friendship

B. Companionship

C. Humor

D. Trust

1. Honesty - .

2. Brotherly love -

6.Value of life

7.Commitment

E. Affection

F. Empathy

G. Sympathy

H. Compassion

I. Generosity

J. Intimacy

CHAPTER VI SEX

A. Hormones are like Car Salesmen

B. Ingredients for Successful Relationship (marriage)

C. Frigidity

D. Responsibility, Guilt and Self- esteem

E. The Barriers between Affection and Passion

F. Fear of Being Dominated—Impotence

G. Veils of Sexual Abuse

H. Fear of Disease

I. Unveiled View of Sex

CHAPTER VII UNDER THE VEILS OF FEAR & ANGER

A. Emotional Consequences of Thoughts and Choice of Action

1. Back down

2. Run away:

3. Stand and fight:

4. Try and negotiate:

5. Call a truce

B. The Chemistry of Fear & Anger

C. Developing a Temper

D. Veiled Aggression

E. The Limits of Power

F. Intimacy

G. Jealousy

H. Revenge

I. Self Control — Alternative to Power

J. Hostility

1. Hostility and Perception

2. Hostility and Alliances

3. Blame

4. Veil of Hostility

5. Health and Hostility

6. Overcoming Hostility

7. Forgiveness When They Won’t Change

CHAPTER VIII VEILS AS OBSTACLES TO FORGIVENESS

A. The Veil of Control

1. Control through Emotional Distance

2. Control through Guilt

3. Control through Inferiority

4. Control through Competition

5. Control through Anger and Fear

6. Control through Superiority.

B. Need for Punishment

C. Disadvantages of Punishment

1. Punishment is Difficult to Regulate

2. Punishment Damages our Relationship

3. No Restitution

4. Teaches Poor Examples

5. Creates Family Divisions

6. Dissociation—Physical and Emotional

7. Fear of Self- Punishment—Under the Surface

CHAPTER IX FORGIVENESS—LIFTS THE VEIL AND BRINGS LOVE TO THE SURFACE

A. Three Levels of Living

B. To Forgive, We Must Renew Trust

C. Lies Veil the Truth.

D. Contracts to Re- establish Trust

E. Safety when Establishing Limited Relationships

F. Ending Relationships

G. When We Can’t Forgive

1. The Problem Hidden Under the Veil

2. Protection from Self- Condemnation

H. How to Ask for Forgiveness

1. Name the Offence.

2. Name the Underlying Character Problem.

3. Describe How You Will Change.

4. Make Restitution.

5. Ask for Forgiveness and Wait for Assurance.

CHAPTER X STUCK UNDER A VEIL

A. Helplessness—I Can’t...

B. Extremism—Always and Never

C. Absolute Idealism—Black and White

D. Veil of Superiority—I Know Best

E. Shoulds

1. Blame

2. Depression.

3. Anxiety

4. Anger

5. Guilt

6. Freedom to be Human

F. Veil of Legalism—The Letter of the Law

1. Should Makes Demands—Not Requests.

2.Should Assumes a Position of Power.

3. Should Kills Love.

4. Should Kills Lightheartedness

G. Perfectionism -

1. Perfectionism and the Attributes of God.

a. Know It All—Omniscience

b. All Powerful—Omnipotence

c. Always Be There—Omnipresent—everywhere at once.

3. Perfect Appearance.

4. Perfect Performance

5. Performance Anxiety

6. Perfect Things

7. Only Perfect Rewarded

8. Ungratefulness

CHAPTER XI PROBLEMS OF SELF- LOVE

A. Loving Myself Will Make Me Dishonest

B. Loving Myself Will Make Me Proud

C. Do Your Best

D. Vulnerability of Love

E. Bondage to Judge

F. Tolerance and Accurate Judgment

CHAPTER XII HOW TO LOVE THE HIDDEN ME

A. The Seeds of Self- Rejection

B. Who Am I?

1. Name Tags from Others Veil Us from Them

2. Name Tags Create Veils from Our Self

C. Personalizing Criticism

1. We Are Not How We Smell:

2. We Are Not How We Perform:

3. We Are Not How Our Body Looks:

4. We Are Not Just Our Body

D. Unconditional Love or Conditional Approval

1. Unconditional Love for Our Person

2. Conditional Approval of Our Performance

E. Our Hidden Self

F. A Childhood Experience

G. Test for Self- love—Affection

H. Re- parenting

1. Negative Parenting

2. Positive Parenting

I. Learning Requires Theory and Practice

END NOTES

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

VEILED NEEDS

A. Childhood Experiences Form Our Veils

Relationships with parents, siblings and our experiences with the world create our unique veils through which we view love and life.

When I was born my mother died and had to be resuscitated. She was ill for many days and couldn’t hold me. This was one factor that shaped my view of the world and I believe it had a long- lasting negative effect on my views of attachment, security, affection and love.

A series of betrayals by a supposed friend also distorted my view of the world. I was having what I thought was a friendly snowball fight when I was hit hard in the head. It hurt rather badly for a snowball and made a cut that drew a little blood. I inspected the snowball and I found a sizable rock inside. I thought it might have been be a mistake until it happened again. At other times he deliberately started a fight between another boy and me just to see a fight. He didn’t seem to care at all if I was hurt. He caused me to lose my first love, when he engineered a fight between my girlfriend and me. These and other more sinister acts of betrayal from family, friends and colleagues, negatively affected my ability to trust and to love. I put on a veil of distrust of people to protect myself from further hurt.

When we are born, our mind is similar to a white board and things written on our memory stay there unless erased and changed. If the first image isn’t cleaned thoroughly, the remnant of the old image can still be seen through the veil of our personality.

Ideally we are taught mature love by our parents’ examples while we are children. Selfishness and lust come naturally, but we need to be taught how to love. Our parents teach us how to trust, give and receive affection, forgive, share and protect each other. From their examples we learn about love and we learn to expect this mature form of love from someone who loves us—our partner.

If our parents were selfish with their love towards us, our veil is created to see selfishness as normal. We could then become suspicious of a partner’s generous motives towards us.

We would lack experiences of unconditional love if our parents:

— Lost their temper when we wanted attention.

— Called us names when we didn’t measure up to their standards,

— Didn’t allow us to have opinions different from theirs.

— Criticized and belittled us when we made mistakes

— Gave us things, but not affection.

— Showed favoritism towards a sibling.

— Lied to us on important matters.

— Required us to do things they wouldn’t.

— Saw us as a nuisance, rather than a person of substance.

These and many other things form the veils through which we judge the world:

— An only child is given things, but without siblings may not learn to share. A favorite child may learn partiality, rather than equality and justice.

— A child may not understand that his food allergies prevented his parents from giving him treats that were given to his siblings. He could feel unloved, become resentful towards his parents and siblings, see the world as unfair and reject society’s laws and standards.

— When parents meet our needs, but don’t teach us to be considerate of theirs, we can take people’s love for granted and can develop an attitude that the world owes us a living—entitlement.

— If my parents criticize my teachers when I misbehave at school, I can learn to be ungrateful, resentful and defensive towards anyone who tries to teach or correct me.

— If my parents criticize the police when I am caught breaking the law, I may not value authority. I may usurp the rights of others and blame them for my abusive responses if I don’t get what I want.

The things I learn as a child I assume to be true. They remain a part of my view of the world and under the surface of my awareness; I don’t think to question them. I believe that I am right and it’s other people who have the problem seeing my perspective. No one understands me and my partner can't see that I am the one who is right.

I justify my egotism with thoughts such as: He started it; He had it coming; He made me do it; I couldn’t help myself; He made me mad; what did he expect? What else could I do?

When someone tries to shine some new light on my inaccurate perceptions I attack him, ignore his ideas, or justify my beliefs with pompous know- it- all arguments.

In spite of correct information being provided for me, in the end, I am left non- the- wiser, hiding in darkness behind my veil of distorted views of the world.

B. The Veil of Limited Perceptions

Bruce and Susan were waiting in their hospital room for their pediatrician’s report on their new baby. The doctor said, Your six day old daughter is healthy and you can take her home today.

Mom and dad beamed and gave each other a hug and then headed home with the creation of their love.

Entering the house, their dog Pads jumped up, licked Susan’s face and almost knocked her over with excitement. Susan gave Pads a big hug and a piece of meat to celebrate their reunion. Susan knew that Pads would love their baby too.

However, Bruce’s mother, Jane, was afraid that Pads would be jealous and might attack the new baby. Jane told Bruce that he should send Pads to live with her for the protection of the baby. Bruce told Susan about his mother’s fears; Susan disagreed, she loved and trusted Pads and wanted him to stay at home.

Bruce did some research on the breed of the dog and decided that his mother was right. He decided that it wasn’t worth the risk to the baby, so Bruce sent Pads to live with Jane.

Susan was jealous because she thought that Bruce cared more about what his mother wanted than what she wanted. A woman needs to know that her husband is committed to her and that he will put her needs first. Susan was hurt and angry and she put up an emotional wall between herself and Bruce.

If Bruce had thought more deeply about the possible reactions from Susan, he would have explained that his fears for the baby were based upon what he learned about the history of this breed of dogs from independent experts. He would have shown her that he loved her and respected her opinion and that his decision wasn’t just to please his mother.

If Bruce had expressed his emotional reluctance to sending the dog to his mother, Susan may have seen that his decision was based upon his genuine fear for the baby and not allegiance to his mother.

Susan didn’t want Bruce to reject his mother, Susan just needed to be assured that Bruce loved her, that she was special and that Bruce put her ahead of Jane.

Bruce did none of these things. He couldn’t see the hidden danger of his wife’s jealousy and he acted independently. His intentions were good, but because he didn’t discuss them with Susan, she thought he didn’t love her.

When we think our partner cares more for the opinion of others, we assume they care less and have less respect for us. We then feel jealousy, fear, guilt, hate or envy. These emotions erupt in us, beneath the surface of our partner’s awareness and we may choose to hide them, ignore them or to strike out in retaliation for the perceived rejection. Each of these responses hides our emotional wounds behind a veil. While we hide, no honest or constructive communication is possible.

To lift the veil we must communicate in a clear and unambiguous way what we think, how we feel and why. Only when we are honest and expose what we have hidden, can we and our partner see clearly what has happened to our love.

It’s not good enough to be right, well intentioned or logically correct; we must lift the veil on our darkened inner feelings to shine the light on the dangers of wrong communication and to expel the shadows of mistrust. We need to expose the destructive potential of leaving each other in the dark. To lift our veils of privacy, we must trust in each others love enough to lift our veils of protection and expose ourselves to truths that have the potential to hurt us. We must enlighten each other through diligent and effective self- disclosure of our motives, our interpretations of our partner’s motives and of our emotional responses.

We are all born with the need for food, security, love and affection. We see the world through a prism that focuses our attention on those things that fulfill these needs. As babies, our mother is important to us because she gives us milk, changes our diaper, keeps us warm and protects us from harm. Other people and things are either of little concern to us or are scary. We don’t care about what jobs are available, what the stock market is doing or what potential sexual partner is interested in us; it’s as if we have a veil that limits our view to only what meets our needs at that moment.

As we grow older our needs change; we strive for acceptance, achievement, status and sexual fulfillment; we learn to meet our needs in new ways and we see the world differently from the view of our new set of needs. We notice what kind of car someone drives, how they dress and whether they like us.

Changing needs create a change in the veil through which we perceive our world. Although we all start with common needs, how we view them and how we meet them is different for each of us depending upon our heredity and what we learn from our environment.

We don’t always realize the differences in how people view the world; we assume our partner thinks and feels pretty much the same as we do. It’s as if we are looking in a mirror when we look at our partner. Our mirrored thinking doesn’t really reflect our partner's thoughts because we assume that they think and see the world as we do. We don’t always appreciate that their different priorities to needs, beliefs and personality lets them view the world differently, and it's now just our own view of the world. This mirrored thinking limits our perceptions and acts like a veil that prevents us from seeing our partners as they really are.

This lack in understanding our differences prevents intimacy and hinders the development of deeper levels of love. To lift the veil on our misconceptions we must look beyond our assumption that our partner thinks just like us; only when we believe that we haven’t ever really seen them will we look to see them in the clear light of day.

Our uniquely wired brains create diverse perceptions as we peer through the veil of our own memories, personal experiences, personalities and needs. Our veil of individualism creates its own distorted reality and when our partner reveals themselves to us, we don't just accept their information as given; we twist their information around in our minds to fit our own expectations.

Our physical, emotional, social, spiritual, intellectual, and ego needs influence our view of our partner and of our self, in ways that veils the true path to intimacy.

C. The Veil of Self- interest.

We are born with certain needs and it’s first and foremost in our nature to try and meet them. Maturity and experience refine our searching process. * Mallow

As a child, I am naturally selfish. If I see a container of ice cream, it is natural for me to take as much as I want. I don’t think to share. I am blind to the needs of others because I can’t see through my veil of self- interest.

As a baby, I learn to love my mother. She sacrifices herself to meet my needs, but I don't see or care about her needs.

My love for my mother is a selfish type of love, veiled by my self- centeredness that continues until I learn to lift my view and consider her needs also.

I eventually learn to see beyond my veil of self- interest and see that she isn’t just my mother but also a person who also has needs. I raise the veil of my infantile ignorance and learn to treat her like a friend rather than a servant. By the time she is old and incapable of meeting her own needs, hopefully I can see her as one deserving of my service and I learn to sacrifice myself for her.

It is hoped that the maturity of insight we gain, for meeting the needs of our mothers and fathers, will be utilized for meeting the needs of our partner.

The success of a relationship is measured by the degree to which each can raise his veil of self- gratification to see how he can also gratify their partner.

1. Every rational thing and most seemingly irrational things we do in life can be understood in the context of trying to meet a need—ours or the needs of someone else. If we understand our partner’s needs, we can better understand their thoughts, emotions and actions.

— Sexual Needs—While we’re young and in- love, our sexual needs are very intense. We keep our veils down to hide our faults; we don’t want to know things about each other that will spoil our sexual attraction. We focus our attention on the sexual needs of our partner to seduce them because we have a desperate need for them to reciprocate with affection and sexual pleasures. When the honeymoon phase diminishes, the veils gradually come off and we find out if our love is mature enough to sustain the true light and scrutiny of an ongoing relationship.

— Physical Needs—We work to assure our physical needs of food, water, shelter and sex are met. We seek to find pleasure and to avoid pain.

— Emotional Needs—We ensure the fulfillment of our basic needs to love and to be loved; we seek joy, laughter, peace, self- esteem and justice. We avoid fear, guilt, loneliness and jealousy. We use war, hate, violence and revenge to protect our needs and to satisfy our limited sense of justice.

— Social Needs—As social beings we need to communicate and have a sense of belonging, self- determination, security and equality. We need to know whether the efforts we put into our relationships are worthwhile.

— Ego Needs—We have ego needs to know ourselves, to achieve, to gain confidence and self- acceptance.

— Intellectual Needs- We have an intellectual need to satisfy our curiosity about the origin of our universe, the nature of life, the working