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    Funny Stories for Kids: The Big Fat Mermaid
    Funny Stories for Kids: The Big Fat Mermaid
    Funny Stories for Kids: The Big Fat Mermaid
    Ebook106 pages5 hours

    Funny Stories for Kids: The Big Fat Mermaid

    By Tyler Shaw and Russell Sanders

    2.5/5

    ()

    Read preview

    • Adventure

    • Mermaids

    • Friendship

    • Sacrifice

    • Sea Creatures

    • Fish Out of Water

    • Talking Animals

    • Unlikely Hero

    • Animal Companions

    • Giant Sea Monster

    • Love Conquers All

    • Quest

    • Hero's Journey

    • Chase

    • Evil Overlord

    • Sea Adventure

    • Underwater Kingdom

    • Food

    • Friendship & Loyalty

    • Power Dynamics

    About this ebook

    She's nasty, she's gross, and she's anything but little. All Aria the mermaid princess wants is to stuff her face full of food, but what happens when her dad, the king, tries to stop her? The answer: laughs beyond belief! Watch as Aria deals with her mean dad, a chubby-chasing prince, a harpoon wielding sea captain, and, in a grand final battle, the monstrous water witch herself.

    Aria will bite, belch, and fart her way into your heart in this second installment of the Funny Stories for Kids series.

    Take your expectations for a fairy tale and throw them out the window! A noble prince? Lame. A humble princess? What a loser! A happy ending? You wish. This eBook is way better than all that. It will make you giggle, laugh, and ask for more. Either that, or it will make you scream for it all to stop. The only way to know is to read it. Download "Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves" now!

    The Funny Stories for Kids series is an ongoing effort to make fairy tales less crappy. "Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves" is the first in this series, with more to come.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherDead Duck Media
    Release dateNov 18, 2015
    ISBN9781311919700
    Funny Stories for Kids: The Big Fat Mermaid

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    Reviews for Funny Stories for Kids

    2.5/5

    9 ratings4 reviews

    What did you think?

    Tap to rate

    Review must be at least 10 words

    • 1/5
      It did not make any sense and no pictures not funny
    • 5/5
      Idk bout u but I thought it was funny creative and well written and to the people who can’t take a joke JUST DONT READ IT and let me enjoy fat mermaids lol
    • 1/5
      It was mean like the title and just it was rude

      2 people found this helpful

    • 5/5
      it is a big fat mermaid because I mean who doesn't love big fat mermaids?

      1 person found this helpful

    Book preview

    Funny Stories for Kids - Tyler Shaw

    Funny Stories for Kids:

    The Big Fat Mermaid

    A lost legend recorded by:

    Tyler Shaw

    &

    Russell Sanders

    Rights

    Thank you for downloading this ebook. It is licensed for your personal use but may not be altered or redistributed. Thank you and enjoy!

    © 2015 Dweezel and Pallie eBooks

    © 2019 Dead Duck Media

    All Rights Reserved.

    Check out other titles by the authors at www.DeadDuckMedia.com

    Acknowledgments

    Cover art:

    Andrea Piera Laguzzi (an amazing artist)

    https://www.facebook.com/Andrealaguzziillustration/

    Editorial Assistance:

    Bob Wilson, host of Radio Citrus Q95.9 FM (http://q959fm.com/ )

    Charlie Ward, author of Frotwoot’s Faerie Tales and Zoey Nova

    Danny

    Lisa

    Chapter 1

    A Long-Expected (and then Ruined) Party

    Once upon a time, in an underwater kingdom comprised of beautiful corals and questionably-shaped sandstone castles, an evil witch and an enormous maiden… You know what? Never mind the introduction, let’s just skip to the action!

    You’ve really outdone yourself this time, Crustacean, whispered Poseidon, merman King of Atlantis, the underwater kingdom. He was shirtless and muscular, wearing a shining gold crown, and had a long white beard that floated about as he spoke.

    T’ank you, you’ highness, whispered back Crustacean, the talking lobster with a Caribbean accent. Only da’ best of performances for you’ birt’day.

    The two were sitting in a special box in a spacious white stone amphitheater. Mermen, mermaids, fish, turtles, crabs, sea stars, octopi, and many other water creatures sat (or rested, as not all sea creatures have butts to sit on) enjoying the show. The show was an opera composed specifically for King Poseidon’s birthday, which had come to be titled La Boheme, Good Version, or, alternatively, Hildegarde Strikes Back.

    I can’t wait, whispered Poseidon with barely contained glee, To see what you saved for this final scene.

    Onstage a dashing merman actor, playing the role of Sea Czar,* was singing to an assembly of distinguished swordfish.

    *(Sea Czar A Just Fish became the first emperor of the sea after putting down the Ocean Senate in bloody warfare in retaliation for their murder of his uncle, Jewels In Fist Sea Czar. - Dweezel and Pallie)

    (By the way, watch for notes from the authors, Tyler and Russell, and our esteemed editors, Dr. Dweezel and Professor Pallie.)

    And now, all senators, ye,

    I bring a gift, quite large, to thee.

    If you will give me my power due

    then I’ll give my own daughter to you.

    She’s no small prize, you’ll see

    she’s the widest thing in the sea.

    Hand your laurel crowns to me

    and you can have this shell’s contents for free.

    A massive closed clam was wheeled in onstage, then, pushed by two burly angel fish dressed as slaves.

    One of the swordfish actors began to sing.

    My lord, we know it's true,

    we now owe our allegiance to you.

    Though no gift can restore our glory

    open the clam so we can end this story.

    "Very well, sang Sea Czar in response. Open the shell."

    This is going to be great, said Poseidon, rubbing his hands together and enjoying the show.

    The slave angel fish actors heaved open the gigantic clam. It sprung open, but it was completely empty.

    The audience gasped. So did the actors.

    What a twist! cried Poseidon. Who knew that the Sea Czar would offend the senate by giving them an empty clamshell?!

    Crustacean, however, did not look pleased by the compliment, he looked terrified. He quickly scurried off the king’s special box and swam backstage.

    The handsome merman actor playing Sea Czar, still looking shocked, began to sing again.

    "Uh, yeah, he sang haltingly, I’m really sticking it to you, I said my daughter was in there... but it’s not true. But I think it will probably be true... in just a minute, because we’ll send that clam back, and try it again, um, part two!"

    The slave fish actors looked at the Sea Czar actor with blank expressions, and he whispered loudly, Take it backstage again!

    At that moment a young, frightened-looking actress swam onstage. She all but yelled to the actors, Aria’s not backstage! We can’t find her anywhere!

    A pause, and then the actors slouched over and facepalmed. The audience groaned and began to boo.

    The king’s daughter did it again! yelled an orange jellyfish in the audience.

    Just like the princess did last year! shouted an angry dolphin.

    Crustacean now swam onstage and looked up at the king in his box. The lobster laughed nervously and shrugged his big pincer claws.

    Poseidon’s face grew bright red. Boiling water shot out his ears. He rose out of his seat and yelled, ARIA!

    Poseidon made his way down into the crowd.

    No, You’ Majesty! cried Crustacean, Remember you’ blood pressure!

    POW

    Poseidon punched a random merman square in the jaw. He smacked a mermaid on the back of the head. He clunked two fish together. He flung the orange octopus away. He slammed the organist into the keys, knocking her out cold with a shriek of the organ.

    It be alright, said Crustacean, dodging fleeing actors, You see. Crustacean fix dis!

    The King made his way up to the stage, picked up a prop statue, and hurled it through the set.

    Oh, Aria, said Crustacean, hiding under his pincers as guests ran out of the chamber screaming, What was so important dat you would turn you father’s birt’day into dis catastrophe?

    Chapter 2

    The Chase

    Yum, nom nom nom, said Aria, smacking her lips. "This is really good, it's like a party in my mouth."

    Introducing now our protagonist, Aria, also known as the Big Fat Mermaid. She had red hair and a green fin, like one might expect a mermaid in this sort of tale to have, and of course she was modest enough to clothe herself with a set of clamshells, but, unlike other mermaids, this mermaid had more folds than you could ever hold and more flabs than you could ever hope to grab. Her gut rolled in on itself continuously, yet her skin was also stretched out tight and fit to burst. Her overall appearance was something like an overfilled water balloon, or a grocery bag filled with jello, or a trash bag full of bacon grease.

    Her cheeks were round and bloated, and she had many, many chins. Even her fin was extra wide. In short, Aria

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