Boyle-Breath: Begins Back at the End

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© 2013 Murray L. Peters.. All rights reserved.

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Published by AuthorHouse 11/27/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4918-8637-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-8638-0 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-8639-7 (e)

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Contents

Dedication

Chapter 1   Angels

Chapter 2   Begin the Beguine

Chapter 3   Saint Cecilia

Chapter 4   Car stories

Chapter 5   Rules

Chapter 6   Nothing comes of nothing

Chapter 7   Jack Potter

Chapter 8   The Crash

Chapter 9   Beginnings

Chapter 10   Angels #2

Chapter 11   Bernadette

Chapter 12   Who-for-art-thou?

Chapter 13   Hi Jinks!

Chapter 14   Aaron the Angel

Chapter 15   Down to Basics

Chapter 16   Peter

Chapter 17   Promoted

Chapter 18   High Jinks!

Chapter 19   Sweet sorrow

Chapter 20   The Children

Chapter 21   Back to the Future

Chapter 22   Patrick

Chapter 23   A Kennedy, always a Kennedy

Chapter 24   Kira

Chapter 25   The Gods

Chapter 26   Singh!

Chapter 27   Unlucky for some

Chapter 28   The Seance

Chapter 29   Centenary

Chapter 30   Texts from Hell

Chapter 31   Seance #2

Chapter 32   Towns, Cities, Countries

Chapter 33   Super market

Chapter 34   God

Chapter 35   In the Panjshir Valley

Chapter 36   Seance Part 2

Chapter 37   Decisions, decisions, decisions

Chapter 38   Psych Evil

Chapter 39   Help!

Chapter 40   Bitemarks!

Chapter 41   Books

Chapter 42   Travelogue

Chapter 43   Myra Ann Williams

Chapter 44   Emergency 19

Chapter 45   Father forgive them…

Chapter 46   MES QUE UN CLUB

Chapter 47   Tabula rasa?

Chapter 48   Prisoner of the Bottle

Chapter 49   Ring, ring…

Chapter 50   A home from home?

Chapter 51   Duty

Chapter 52   A close shave

Chapter 53   Solid Rock

Chapter 54   "I do!

Chapter 55   Paintballed

Chapter 56   Zeroed-out

Chapter 57   The Father…

Chapter 58   Politics

Chapter 59   Arrested Development

Chapter 60   The Town

Chapter 61   POW!

Chapter 62   Dog-breath

Chapter 63   Don’t hold your breath

Chapter 64   Meetings

Chapter 65   I luv mum

Chapter 66   2nd Course…

Chapter 67   Easy

Chapter 68   Glencoe

Chapter 69   Elocution Lesson

Chapter 70   ‘…for I have not sinned.’

Chapter 71   Stuff

Chapter 72   Wives

Chapter 73   The Room

Chapter 74   The Ceremony

Chapter 75   Horses for courses

Chapter 76   Nails!

Chapter 77   An eye for an eye

Chapter 78   Ring, ring…

Chapter 79   A nail in his coffin?

Chapter 80   What’s in a name?

Chapter 81   Rags to…

Chapter 82   The Evening Reception

Chapter 83   Phase 3

Chapter 84   Beanz Meanz Heinz!

Chapter 85   Cutz

Chapter 86   St. Peter’s, St Paul?

Chapter 87   Jobseekers Minus?

Chapter 88   Time Capsule

Chapter 89   It happened

Chapter 90   Time-Slip

Chapter 91   Sleepers

Chapter 92   Smoking ban?

Chapter 93   Vampires

Chapter 94   The Battle

Chapter 95   Back then

Chapter 96   Bob

Chapter 97   Jack-of-all-Trades

Chapter 98   The Games we play…

Chapter 99   The Past Returns

Chapter 100   Unfinished Business

Chapter 101   Explosive Finish

Chapter 102   Two Weddings; Five Funerals

Chapter 103   Business as usual

Thanks to…

About the author

Dedication

For Ann (my first girlfriend and wife), and for Aileen (who also endured a 12 year stretch with me).

Also for my 3rd (and last) wife, Edith Iona Girvan, and for my mums in and out of law Norma and Leola; for our other Australian ‘cobbers’ my father-in-law Don (Senior); brother-in-law Don (Junior) and his wife Louise and children Madison and Hamish. For my sister-in-law Michelle also, and other nieces and nephews Emily; Damien, Katelyn and Lochie.

For all my children also and grandchildren – Ben, Jaz and Gregor; Mhairi and Hannah, Mirren and Ella.

For my brother Arthur also, and his family; though they do owe us a dessert! 36820.png

Begun in…

B0YLE-BREATH

authorhouse.co.uk

continued in…

B0YLE-BREATH BREATHES

authorhouse.co.uk

and to be continued in

B0YLE-BREATH: BEGINNINGS

(2014)

(THE PREQUEL)

For an ‘Urban Fantasy’ read an ‘Universal Fantasy’

There’s also my ‘WHOOP’S APOSTROPHE’ books, 1 and #2; #3 soon…

Bullying: it happens all the time and everywhere. In every world, every universe, every galaxy. It happens in your house, it happens in ‘their’ house, it even happens in my house. Let’s say ‘ZERO’ to bullying, and ALL try really really hard to stop it from happening!

Do you ever win a fight? inquired the good lady ‘Doc’ Clay.

Nobody ever wins a fight. replied Dalton.

(from the film Road House 1989 (Patrick Swayze as James Dalton; Kelly Lynch as Elizabeth ‘Doc’ Clay…with Sam Elliot and Ben Gazzara…and featuring The Jeff Healy Band).

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world; not even our troubles’ Charlie Chaplin.

The Big Yin does at last make an appearance, but is a very, very busy being.

‘Always I kept two books in my pocket(s), one to read, one to write in.’ -

Robert Louis Stevenson.

‘I only miss you when I’m breathing.’ From ‘Breathless’ by Jason Derilo

(There IS a film in this idea, in these books (you have read #1 and #2 yeah?); there’s an even better T.V. series (or 10?) – two smells and a wish per episode? 36818.png

Bring back Scratch ’n’ Sniff! Give me aromatherapy billboards, stinky flyers, title-appropriate-smell cinema tickets, perfumed postcards, bookstubs, bookmarks…

‘BOYLE-BREATH’ scent?

Always becomes HIS/HER perfect scent!

(AND it can change up a gear for that great date OR stinky immediately for that bad un!

Let me hear Say the word ’n’ Smell-the-Smell radio jingles.

Insert for me B-B ‘Tear here’ magazine ads that reek of, absolutely howl of… em…

‘READ THIS!!!!!’

Lots of sweet-smelling reviews would be good too?

Get your own B0YLE-BREATH t-shirt…?

The Curry-Steam Special? A quotation inscribed T from the ‘ZERONIAN RULES’ list (Chpts 1&5) + ‘B-B’ on the back? A giant ‘0’ on a black, blue, or gold background; a simple ‘P0NG 0’ white T (P0NG 00 on the back).

An individual/personalised T inscription… "I LOVE… B-B / NIKKI!? / RIO 4EVER / MARRY ME ZIA/CLAIRE/PETER.

An ‘I SMELL…’ on the front + LIKE NOTHING ON EARTH! or L0VELY / WONDERFUL / LIKE…+ your own choice on the back; I BARFFF… on the front + FOR ZER0NIA on the back…

A TRANSYLVANIAN TWINS TAUNT TOOTHLESS TEACHERS T!

BOYLE-BREATH

BEGINS

BACK

AT

THE END

created and written by

Murray L. Peters

(Author of the BOYLE-BREATH series)

(No.3)

Chapter 1

ANGELS

Escorted off by angels sounds a great stage direction for a play, and certainly 12 year old Bernadette Temperance Burnett’s short-term return visit to Roquefort High School had had its fair amount of drama, especially when it had ended in her sudden and hasty, almost arrested departure at Christmas time…a mere month ago.

However, Zeronia (that ‘Social Workers of the Galaxy’ orb) as usual knew just that bit more than Heaven, and indeed still takes a bit more interest in humanity’s errors, being a nearer parallel world to Earth than Purgatory…in love if not in distance.

Zeronia IS Purgatory’s Purgatory

goes the saying, and though also invisible to the human eye, it tries humanely to DO what The Big Purge just inhumanely tortures and waits for?

"WE’RE MORE DOWN TO EARTH…

all Zeronianss like to brag,

…THAN HEAVEN’S HOTEL,

(they are forever sarcastic)

WITH ITS PEARLY GATES…

AND ITS WAITERS, WAITERS, WAITERS…"

(Zeros like to feel that they deal with both loftier and tougher concerns, like setting realistic goals regarding

Paying Off crimes that you’re Truly Sorry for.

‘S.T.O.P.’

it became known as).

He’ll (the real Hell, but also known as God) just have ‘dealt’ with that real staple of life – Death… from War, Hunger, Religion (War again usually), from Poverty and Abuse, from that desire for Money (aka Power), from misuse of Alcohol…by just hoping (and praying) that most will just rise to those PGs – painfully, and well eventually?

That those who deserve it will receive their just desserts, in the end, and all the rest will get…semolina?

The big ‘He’ (god.com) really does still believe in his Purgatory Place, where souls ARE purified, but by a Punishment(s) and in a timescale that befits their crime(s)! 36840.png

THERE ARE NO SOCIAL WORKERS IN HEAVEN…

(is Zeronian Favourite Phrase #3)

OR IN ‘THAT PLACE’!

(as they like to call Purgatory). (#2)

Zeronia on the other hand – literally – believes nothing is unforgiveable, and believes fully, T0TALLY in ‘Next Steps’ and ‘Staged Reparations’ where ‘punish’ is replaced by ‘forgive’ and every day (they do believe this) more people go directly to Heaven from Zeronia than via Purgatory; and if some don’t quite manage a full

‘GET OUT OF PURGATORY FREE’

card, they do spend far less time receiving ‘pain’ there than ever before.

PURGATORY IS A PURGATIVE

is Zeronian favourite (#5);

HELL MEND YOU (#6)

Both are BANNED, but Zeronia’s ‘LISTENERS’ (their p0lice I do suppose you could call them) – often either don’t hear those words being spoken (ha ha) or are very lax in flushing out offenders?

A ZERO ‘END’ING IS A BEGINNING (#7)

(The really really evil humans, and God there have been plenty of them, naturally never even make it as far as those ‘other’ PGs - Purgatory Gates).

They have their bones and ashes – and souls, if they ever had one - happily lost forever deep in the earth, water, air or fire of the planet Earth.

WHAT’S THE POINT OF A BA’ WITHOUT SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE? (#12)

Much better that those Earthly Spirits who manage to

TURN LEFT TO ZERONIA

have those unusual human shapes scattered in ‘the beautiful nothingness’

(‘Zero-nia’ goes the joke)

of space, while their souls live on in ‘Zero time’ and in the same ‘shape’ as before (but without all those complicated human inside bits, until they achieve the status of being ‘saveable’

(WE CAN ALL BE SAVED (#1b))

and then are allowed to return and take on full human ‘form’ (this time their favourite look(s) / time(s)) for when, as spirit-shapes, eventually, they rise Heavenward; still no hearts and livers, lungs and brains – but oh lots of soul!

The Bernards (Bernard and Bernard0) were still learning, at their aged 0 level of ‘Zeronian Hierarchy and Time’ (ZHIT); and it was a very difficult…‘time’. Our Bernards knew that they had enough on their plate at home with two human children never mind their growing 0 parts/halves; but both knew that they had really really to get to the very (stinky) bottom of what had just happened at Roquefort High school’s Christmas Dance extravaganza!

From a very bloody birth in the School Dance’s Disco interlude, to a Vampire Christening down in the nearby Rogue-Rapids River it had been rather a busy evening. The allegedly botched Suicide attempt of a High student off ‘The 3Rs’ (the Rogue-Rapids Roadbridge) had rounded the night off in quite spectacular fashion, with the school’s going on fire and its Emergency Services’ two fire engines, two ambulances and four police car sirens awakening most of the town just as it was just thinking ‘goodnight’!

Happy endings…for all three ‘situations’ thank goodness, though the fire at the death had rather cranked up the heat on all the people in ‘charge’…the Headteacher, his staff, and all the usual agencies involved, from Social Workers to Child Protection Coordinators, from Behavioural Specialists to Zeronia’s ‘Watchers’ and ‘Listeners’.

The Bernards knew that all the answers would be sniffed out in the end, but at which end should they start..?

Chapter 2

BEGIN THE BEGUINE

Though separated more fully than ever before from his Bernard Boyle half just lately to do some time-travel C.S.I. work, Bernard0 (Boilinni de Rossi) felt happy that zero had changed within his 0 half, and that his having that lovely rounded number at the end of his name instilled more confidence, nay almost an arrogance about his Zeronian credentials.

In zero time however was that haughtiness destroyed as he had appeared, in the past, and in no time at all, back in December, standing in front of that horrible sight soon to greet a mother - an only child found hanged!

Soon of course his own Bernard-half would arrive here in the past, just after a plethora of good-intentioned humans…an engine from the local Rogue Fire Service, a Casualty ambulance from Roguefor Infirmary, and a police car load of a sergeant and three constables (two female).

‘Boyle-Breath’ immediately had been Bernard0’s first action as he had breathed out an aroma of fresh flower scents around the Burnett door’s inner entry square, which harboured the awful sight of 12 year old Bernadette Burnett’s body as it hung there, dead, apparently after she had hanged herself from the porch’s ceiling light-fitting flex.

(A door’s width inside, seventeen year old Paul Stenson was in the process of aborting his presence from the death scene as he’d heard the ambulance siren, and despite his addled brain not knowing quite what had happened he thought that disappearance was much the better part of valour. CSI could work it all out for him, and he could pay his money and read about what actually had happened…in the local paper ‘The Roguefort Times’; and verify therein whether he was indeed a rogue, or, he hoped, not!)

Dead for around an hour Bernard0 had surmised immediately merely by using that Zero-nose of his and without having to take a proper Zerometer Boil-Breath reading. Time-travel is as ever an inexact science, and he’d known almost immediately that he’d have had to go a mite further back to get to the bottom of why and how she’d hanged herself…and who was / were to ‘blame’, if anyone indeed apart from her good self…but he’d begin, at least at first, at this end.

This ‘dance’ of death mystery had begun he thought, but just how many twists and turns would have to be suffered before he could do a brief rumba of relief he had absolutely no idea…if he managed ever to find out exactly what had happened that day…quite what goes through these human brains at times and what makes them respond with the actions that they do, had and still baffle far smarter people than him!

Chapter 3

SAINT CECILIA

Cecilia of Rome had been made a Saint for her martyrdom, and the Patroness of Music also, as she had sung aloud as she was executed for being a Christian. And sing aloud to her very end she had, even though it had taken three sword-swings at her head and three days to end the poor woman’s life.

Simon Dedson’s deceased 90 year old aunt had been a Cecilia too, and as his Celia’s will was read out it was found to be short and brief but saintly also – as she had left everything of hers to ‘Simon, Paul Dedson: her nephew’.

This had taken Si back immediately to his own mother’s death (and of how he had found her lying dead in bed ‘slept away’) and yet Euphemia’s will had left everything to his younger brother Rury (he had been named Thrura on his Birth Certificate after some Icelandic King – he’d been conceived in Rejkyavik). That lucky ‘geiser’ who oft had been the family ‘problem child’ in his teens, had been left everything, apart from the 2.17 % of his mum’s estate which went by law to Si by Scottish law - all £1,723 of it!

The rest had gone to fund a huge Mansion in posh Stolran south-west of Castle Rock, complete with Conservatory, landscaped gardens, and three cars – though Rury’s wife Senga having had a girl would lessen his disposable income somewhat. At least Si had had a Nicholas!

Simon’s prized Mum ‘thing’ (his Dad’s really) had been their still fully-functioning original

Singer

Sewing-Machine (Effie could do anything, everything on that piece of machinery). It was a ‘table’ then ‘hey presto’ it became a pull-up-your-chair and sew operational device – no prizes for guessing who that had gone to also! 36842.png

He could never quite fathom the contents of his mum’s will especially as when he’d found Effie dead his bro hadn’t seen her for over two months, again!

The original 50 acre

SINGER CORPORATION

worksite had made it their biggest workplace in the world – employing 15,500 people in its heyday. Indeed a Karaoke bar (in the Castle Crane area where one of its three factories had lain) had indeed named itself

SINGERS

(what’s an un-intentional apostrophe error when it works so well?)

‘SINGERS’ Bar and Restaurant played both on the functionality of its

‘A NIGHT OUT FOR ONE OR ALL

SING / SING ALONE / SING-ALONG / SIN / EAT, DRINK, BE MERRY!’

raison d’etre, and on the history and longevity of the US multinational firm’s stay in the area. Indeed the walls had both pictures of the current ‘SINGERS’ workforce and was covered with old photos of SINGER’S work populace. The area’s close-by Rogue-Rapids River with its massive shipbuilding history also had allowed many other large photographs to stare down from its walls at bar clientele…and of another age…two Queen Mary ships were built there at John Brown’s Shipyards; the Lusitania also, and even the steam turbine engine at the centre of the three that powered RMS Titanic (a secret arrangement between John Brown and Harland & Wolff at the time)!

He could never quite fathom the contents of Effie’s will. Indeed, a similar horror denouement had happened before when Simon also had found his dad (dead of a heart-attack) sitting in his chair watching the British Open Golf Major on television.

Si had come in happy and chatting over to him, but had gone straight to the kitchenette to make ‘some tea’ for his dad and to put some of Arthur’s favourite finger-cream biscuits on a plate for him…

Watching the golf yeah? See your favourite, Seve, is doing really well…

Rury had fallen out with his dad yet again, and he hadn’t seen him for six months!

Si hadn’t felt too bad then in having held onto his mum’s ‘Rainy Day’ grand.

It had lain in an under-her-bed cardboard box, a thousand pounds of hard cash in 10 and 20 £ notes! Post will-reading he’d used the money to help pay for a holiday (back then) for him and HER, and their very young son Nicholas!

Cecilia? Well he was soon to find out quite a few secrets about his favourite auntie!

In particular, she had maintained a house at the end promentory of Castle Bay, in Nudoon!

Travelling there by bus, train, and ferry it had remained her secret hideaway, for twenty years!

Laterly she’d only been going along to the bay and to her 2nd home at weekends (they were told this by neighbours after the will’s contents had been explained in full). This was of course as her body had begun to falter and when Simon had been doing more and more to help her, weirdly as then she’d helped him as Faith, his erstwhile wife had pulled the plug on his life.

Soon, and certainly there had been many a pregnant pause between the two when Si had felt that some big ‘secret’ was perhaps about to be ‘outed’ by Celia, Simon had had to take his aunt on fully…at first as a Full-Time Carer in her Darconald flat (with Council Carer assistance) near Castle Rock, then more recently by moving her in full time to the house of his new girlfriend Edie.

The ‘Granny flat’ had come via Ed re-mortgaging, but Si knew soon after that, by way of Celia giving him her Power of Attorney, that she had quite a few ‘baw-bees’ stored away frugally in various bank accounts!

Just outside Castle Bay in Sandbank however, Cecilia’s secret semi had remained ‘hidden’ away to the end, and a veritable treasure trove of traditional wonders it was!

The beautiful views of the bay itself (her End-Terrace semi sat atop the 2nd phase of a long-defunct U.S. submariners’ Family Estate) just took the breath away, and this would be the same whatever the weather. She’d called her house ‘The Sandhaven’ and with its long landscaped and manicured gardens to the front and wide grassed area to its rear, pretty breathtaking it looked also. Completed it was with a large detached garage to the side, and a Gardener’s hut to the rear, with two paved patio areas one with access to and from the house via French Windows.

Inside, as befitted her traditionalist bent, Si and Ed were to find everything from Classical music and Opera collections to original Sound of Music vinyl LPs! James Last tapes, 7" Singles by Russ Conway and Kenneth McKellar continued her musical brocade! Fur coats (REAL fur); collections of crystal - vases, trays, and jugs; and drawers full of linen and lace were uncovered, along with…

Celia’s very own ‘Rainy Day Box’ a cheap blue poly bag…this one with £200 inside, in £2 coins!

(These turned out to be perfect for Edie and Si to use back at Ed’s…4 for the Window cleaner, £8; 1 for their Brown Bin cleaner, £2 every fortnight (tip included); and for Nikki too…in 2s (and 4s when they weren’t looking!).

The money had been used up over-quickly they both thought, but both had managed just to keep quiet about how they thought that had happened!

Simon had sent the hard dosh on also, but as a £200 cheque, and to her killer, a Mr Cancer.

Well to McMillan’s Cancer Charity.

Chapter 4

CAR STORIES

Playing games with his weans as ever in the car, Bernard also was thinking, as ever, of life and death, Zeronia and the Universe, oh and ‘The Big Man’ himself, aka God.

Oh, and The Yellow Car Game.

The game had become ever more complicated, almost to the extent of ‘This game requires proper R&R…rules and regulations!’ He was fond of saying this (if not doing) and their game did involve points. Two scored for seeing a yellow car first AND shouting it out, but more for gold or pink cars and white taxis, purple cars et cetera. Add-ons included Mini-punch and Beetle-punch malarkeys…

Alternatively, he had other ‘pass the time’ games especially his recent favourite one, of spotting unusual to downright weird car licence plates, from the obvious RICH 787ER, to a simpler WAR at the end, the WE3 GUY that he’d speeded to get past for tall disappointment, the VAN that was a van, the DY51 XIA driver…but you couldn’t tell by looking (the kids’ smiles were quickly replaced by embarrassment; at their ‘Wordism’ Bernard coined it).

This game continued on a daily basis, though Beatrice, his (human) wife had mentioned its more dangerous aspects more than enough. It was as easy as ‘Yellow Car’ but harder to score, as ingenuity was as ever the key (from YOB (and BOY), to BRO (and ORB), OAP, OGR to OLE!).

Bernard, ever at pains not to increase their human competitiveness, was however keen for wit and humour both (for their Zero section especially) and always loved the ever more complex spotting…of HSL for hassle for example.

‘NEB for Ben backward?’ ‘Ben IS backward!’ ‘Ben is a ned so they can’t spell?’

Guess the voices, as there had been a Ben whom daughter Zia fancied in P6; she having disposed of a Lucas, a Shaun, a Reece, and even an Aussie, Reilly (really!).

(Bernard himself had preferred being called Ben when he was younger, but he hadn’t told the kids that story, yet. Bernard had seemed soo old a name back then; ‘Ben’ seemed far too young now!).

‘Passat’ was easy, but always chuckled at.

VII OLN; A7 LDO; SH58 LYA; VW53 NDY; S15 LLY; A6 LUM; S60 FTE; You name it they saw one!

Mostly Ben ard was thinking of GOD, of his failsafe ‘fate’ reasoning, as in the latest three ‘coincidences’ that they had encountered…you know the ‘ones’ they happen over and over again, somehow attempting to prove that there has to be a something ‘up there’?

Bernard’s latest five examples had involved him seeing a TV advert for a new super-duper handsaw then next morning passing a red van with Saw Manufacturers Ltd emblazoned on its side; his getting an ‘absentee’ lesson to teach and picking up a story left by the class’s teacher called ‘Spooky’ after he’d watched the latest episode of the MI5 TV caper Spooks the night before; and him picking up an old copy of the ’70s Anti-racism poem ‘Telephone Conversation’ with its London setting line including a ‘red double-decker bus’ then at the weekend he’d driven past one! It’d been a ‘hire-me-out’ party one of course, but empty.

The 4th had been his catching the end of a TV thing on the Incas, then sitting behind a blue Mini Cooper with the licence plate

V1O NCA!

(The horrific ‘depopulation’ (some Historians called it) of the Incas, by the ‘Conquistadores’ bringing ‘Smallpox from Spain’ tempered his smile).

His fifth was being texted by a colleague, going through Gloucester, in England, and him texting back jokingly that he should look out for the Duke of Gloucester’s eyes as he had had them gouged out in his favourite Shakespeare play King Lear! He’d even put that horrific quote in about Edmund’s screaming

Out vile jelly!

as he had commited the heinous deed!

That very evening watching a catch-up DVD of the U.S. TV series Criminal Minds…and what was the serial-killer’s M.O…yes you have it! Called an ‘Enucleator’ as a term! He didn’t text the intel!

As Mr. Flaubert so eloquently put it,

God is in the details.

Of course Bernard loved to muse on such weird happenings and to offer some light fun to his captive car audience, if thoughts on the existence of God could ever be termed light? And recently also he’d been going on and on about his latest ‘super-duper’ invention, a

BOYLE-BREATHALISER

which GAVE as much breath as it tested!

He knew that more and more countries were introducing as law that a ‘breathaliser’ had to be a required item that you just had to have inside your car. A law? Everyone just em has to have a spare tyre; but two Breathalisers, a Fire Extinguisher, and a Medical Kit…? The jury is still out, even the Nanny one, but France has recently gone ahead and Bernard just so wants to corner some market for his own creation. Zero pressure yeah, only Amazon, Halford’s, and every Ferry towards La France to combat?

Beatrice would as ever roll her eyes and smile at both his ‘Coincidences entail God’ malarkey and his ‘full of hot air’ breathaliser idea. However, wheras son Rino and the younger Zia would say zero, they would agree telepathically with each other that maybe dad was sounding them out again, which made Zia suspicious but determined also that her and Rino’s very early secret initiation into Zeronian ways was kept as their secret.

Already of course both knew that dad knew EVERYTHING – since his 30th birthday.

His promotion to human Headteacher-ship so soon after seemed almost his destiny, and it had made a sweet-smelling difference to everything there, from the smell of the school itself to the behaviour of (more) of its pupils – even to school meal aromas! And yes this Boyle-Breath-infested school was now pure dead excellent, though still its curriculum could be better.

Rino and Zia knew very little really yet, really; but even that was enough to change their outlooks, and forever. And yes Zia had beaten all-comers in the P6 Smellathon, and yes Rino had been talked to by the horrible Miss McGraill, a new Gaelic teacher (you couldn’t quite comprehend her in English either) about his personal hygiene. He knew that it was him who intentionally caused said ‘body odour’ only when she was near him and onto her as revenge for a particularly nasty shouting at (when it was his erstwhile pal Callan who’d caused all the trouble).

Horrible orange car! screamed Rino ever eager to get and get his dad back down to planet Earth again, Twenty points!!?

No way! You know it’s just five for them, shouted Zia, as the Social Worker part of every headteacher, now, clicked ON in Bernard’s brain.

He chose his usual.

Game over please!? I promise I’ll do those rules…

At that very moment they came to an abrupt stop at traffic lights, behind a tiny black Ka with black frosted glass windows which would have had R n Z calling out together for points if they hadn’t seen the

A10 NZ3R

licence plate first and looked silently at one another instead.

Luckily, that word ‘rules’ had sent Bernard ‘off on one’ again and he’d begun to sing Madness’s classic ‘House of Fun’ song.

"Welcome to the house of fun now I’ve come of age

Welcome to the house of fun

Welcome to the lion’s den, temptation’s on its way

Welcome to the house of fun.

Comprehend savvy understand?

Welcome to the house of fun!"

Little did he realise how hypochriphal his choice of that single and those lyrics were for his children at this time, but hey Bernard0 was off to Zeronia on a quest for ever more Rules and Regulations (and NOT about the Orange Car game). Bernard dutifully now