The Devil's Diary 2

Day 1

Dear diary.

A new month, a new entry. And a good moment to reflect on the past few hundred (I think) years of implementing a multi-cultural hell.

It will be fun, they said. It will be good for the integration, they said. And now I wonder how I let myself be talked into it.

Oh sure, there were lots of moments of fun, like when a Muslim got lost in the Eastern Block hell, where my friend Igor got his hands on him. It wasn't the sort of hell the Muslim had expected. Igor tried to talk to him about his preferences but since the man didn't speak Russian, Igor went on with things as usual. Knowing Igor, he didn't try very hard, but that's life and death in Hell. Also for Muslims.

It was merely a coincidence that Maurice, my assistant, was there to take stock of the supplies. That's a continuing problem, as if the supply trucks have a hard time getting there. Maurice told me the roads up there haven't gotten much worse since his last visit, so I will have to have a word with the drivers. But not today.

Another fun bit of the multi-cultural hell was that Nafaru and I patched things up again. My Egyptian princess is, after all, Egyptian, and I originated from solid Christian roots, so that's a big difference. Multi-cultural equality in that respect is definitely good. It's not like we're close again, or best buddies, but it's nice to have removed that bit of strife from my life.

It's when several other groups come together and comment on each other's type of hell that the whole multi-culti thing starts blowing up in many faces. Now don't get me wrong; having things blow up can definitely be an entertaining thing. It can be the spice of hell, as I like to say. It often makes for entertainment and body-parts flying. It's just when you try to find folks to clean up afterwards. That's where things get difficult.

Imagine a chainsaw murderer (and we have plenty of those around) who enjoys cutting people up, but when you give him a mop and a bucket to clean up the result of a killing spree, he gets a nervous breakdown and starts throwing up because of what he sees. Can you believe that? Well, that's the kind of fun I was facing lately. It was as if all Heaven broke loose!

And then there was this other weird thing. It came in the shape of a very pretty female person, but she definitely was and probably still is a weird thing.

Let me tell you, Diary, if ever you run into someone called Juliette Divine, who says she's from the Health and Safety inspection service, you'd better run as fast as you can. Okay, I get it, you're a book and you can't run, but you get the idea.

Juliette Friggin Divine was somehow shoved into my direction by someone who definitely hates the way I'm managing Hell. Why else would they send friggin Health and Safety over? This is Hell, dammit, not some kindergarten where people are packaged in bubble-wrap in case someone bumps into them. Oh, bubble-wrap. Must remember to get some more. There's this odd group here that is determined to pop every bubble in every wrap they can get their hands on, and it's torture to them if they can't finish, so I have to keep them busy, right? Pop-pop.

So, back to this Juliette Friggin Divine.

She nagged me about dangerous curves. Heaven, I did my best to make this place as dangerous as possible! It's Hell after all! Can you imagine how much work it would be to scare people in a car chase when they drive vehicles that are approved and road-safe, on tracks that are straight and have no potholes? Is that at all possible? I had enough trouble getting enough hands together to collect all the junk that was lying around everywhere so we could build a racetrack that had some 'challenges' in it. Maurice had even come up with a nifty plan to make all kinds of bumps and potholes move randomly. That is funny! People coming out of the Beelzebub twist and think the pothole is on the left, and then they kill themselves in the pothole that moved to the right. Kablam! That's Hell for ya, baby. But no. Juliette Friggin Whine said it was dangerous and it should be changed. Who the Heaven does she think she is, ordering me around on things like that?

And I'm not even mentioning the fuss she made about the obstacle course. What, in my name, is wrong with that? Getting souls up for some fitness is a bad thing? Do you really think the lucky souls who get to be chased by some of my trusty demons will be any kind of match for them if they haven't had a chance to work out for a bit?

Sabre-tooth bunnies? Considered dangerous. Heaven, who is scared of bunnies? Perhaps it is a good thing she only saw the six foot tall ones. The twelve-footers would probably have made her scream even louder which wouldn't make sense. Relatively speaking, their sabre-teeth are a lot smaller than those of the six-foot bunnies. Do the math yourself: a two-foot tooth on a six-foot bunny compared to a three-foot tooth on a twelve-foot bunny. Well? See, told you!

These inspectors are conspiring to make work impossible. The previous one wanted more animals here so souls would feel more comfortable. Lunacy, I tell you. Hell is not the place to be comfortable unless you're on the staff. And let me tell you, Diary, even for staff-members life isn't all brimstone and screams either. But from the goodness of my heart (ha ha, that's funny, trust me) I agreed to add some animals to the place.

The dinosaurs were quite an attraction magnet as you can imagine, especially when some of the distinguished souls got a bit too close and, splash, got flattened under the tender footing of one of the beasties. At first it was fun and games, and the flat souls made for a good time as we could see them trying to move around, but at some point people began complaining. There's only so much whining you can deal with, even if you're the devil, so I had the dinosaurs picked up again. I'm still not sure where they went but I was promised they would be looked after well. Too bad, I liked the dinosaurs.

I also liked the pigs. A while ago, I don't remember which century, I heard one soul say to the other something about when pigs fly. That is a funny idea so as we were implementing animals, I had a lot of pigs brought in, and I mean a lot. And we made sure they would fly. I assumed that would make many a soul happy, since now they could actually see pigs fly, but the shit soon hit the smoke distribution channel (which has some issues, I should remember to get on that, but not now).

As soon as we had released the flying pigs, the Muslims and the Jews came running and crying that they didn't want to see those animals. I wondered what their problem was, because as far as I know it's only forbidden for them to eat pigs. Nothing in their silly books says anything about watching them fly. Maybe someone sneaked something into their books while I didn't pay attention; I'm too busy to keep up with all that.

Finally I discovered what their beef was with the flying pigs (hahaha, that's funny!). Turns out the pigs flew into their kitchens and sometimes their wings would come off in the heat. And then the pigs would fall into the pots and pans, making their food unclean which makes it hard for them to eat anything. I told them to keep the kitchen doors shut but then they complained that the kitchens would get too hot. Good grief, this is Hell! It's supposed to be hot! What kind of dead people get sent here lately, I wonder.

Two more things arose from that pig adventure. One was that I wondered why the Christians didn't come to complain. According to their book, they aren't allowed to eat pigs either and yet they go at it with a vengeance. Let me have a look, for later reference, in case they do come to whine. Ah, there. Deuteronomy 14:1-21. The pig is also unclean. There we go. Noted down, just in case someone has a big mouth later on. The other thing, and I still have to go after that, is the poor pig-wing-quality. The supplier had assured me it could keep a pig aloft for the longest time, but he clearly didn't do his homework on the working environment for those pig-wings. I mean, I'm not a bad chap to be around but if I'm walking around in one of the hot-spots and suddenly a pig falls on top of me… That would piss me off quite a bit.

Another thing I tried was wolves. Wolves are animals too, and humans have loads of stories about wolves so I thought they'd be happy with wolves. Guess what? They shitted themselves. Wolf, wolf, oh no, now we are in danger. Pathetic. As if they could die from being grabbed by a wolf. They're dead already, for crying out loud! And the wolves were friendly so nothing could happen. (I had learnt my lesson with the dinosaurs. Still wonder where they are.) So I took another approach and got some nasty wolves. Now I can hear you ask, from where? Yes, you got that right. Werewolves!

Of course, knowing that lot here, I already worried about how the werewolves would be accepted. And with reason: they all got scared, especially after the first few hundred souls had been ripped apart. As if that's such a big deal. They're in Hell. They get unripped in a matter of hours (which admittedly is somewhat painful) and if they haven't learnt their lesson then and get ripped apart again, they shouldn't blame me! But protest after protest came in and I had to round up the werewolves and send them packing as well. Need to ask Maurice if he ever followed up on the complaint that one werewolf packed a local soul on the way out. If so, that soul should be hunted down and returned to Hell. It is not done to sneak out with a werewolf. There are rules.

Day 2

Dear Diary.

This morning I found a surprise in my mailbox. An invitation from Gabe, Sal and Pete, my favourite archangels! To come over for a night of card-playing. Man, that's been ages ago! I can't even remember which century that was. Why haven't we done that sooner?

Gabriel was his usual, calm self. I think if I were to detonate a bomb under his chair, he wouldn't even flinch. Good thing he's not into poker; we'd all go home broke. Well, kind of. The good thing about Gabe is that he is so kind that he'd never take everything you own, even when he has the chance.

We caught Peter trying to sneak in a few extra Jokers, which pissed off Gabe.

I don't like it when you do that, Peter, was how he 'lashed out'. Hahaha, that's funny, isn't it? Sal looked a bit lost at that moment, so I had to save the moment by making the extra Jokers burn while Peter was holding them. And I stick to it that it's not my fault that he had hidden a few more in his robes. When I set fire to fake cards, they all go!

So after Pete had changed, Selaphiel made a careful comment about some inspector that had been with them a while ago. As soon as he said that, the cards in my hands froze over. When he said her name was Juliette Divine, my cards went up in flames. The combination was a lot of steam and smoke, and after that we were a hand of cards short for the full game. Pete looked at me and told me things could have been fine if I had just let him keep his fake Jokers. Those would have completed the deck again, if only in numbers.

I don't think that would be fully acceptable, Peter, Gabe commented on that. We either play with a full deck or…

Or we don't, I quickly added. Grabbing a few new cards from the deck was easier than starting the game all over and faster too. Gabe took ages in shuffling a new set of cards.

After winning two games in a row with the cards I had altered, we took a break and I brought the subject back to Friggin Divine. It pleased me to no end that I wasn't the only one who had been tormented by that woman and her dangerous curves. And now I don't mean any references to a winding road but to those she brought with her everywhere. Saying something about those to the archangels had little to no effect. Makes me glad I never signed up for their position; more and more I get the idea that they're eunuchs.

So what great things did she have in store for you guys? I asked, my face hardly the stone mask I often need it to be.

Gabe sighed as he dropped his cards on the table. I glanced and saw he could have beaten me, so this was the perfect moment to ask this. Sal folded his cards too, more careful. Pete held on to his cards as if he feared I'd set some more on fire.

Miss Divine, Gabe started, first wished to have a short look around Heaven. When we told her that Heaven is quite large and that, for that reason, a short look would hardly give her an impression, she told us to 'mind our own friggin business because she was Health and Safety'. His choice of words told me that she'd been here after visiting me. Friggin has become one of my favourite words and I use it as friggin often as I can.

So we gave her a tour of the best places we have, Sal took over. His face crumpled somewhat. That probably wasn't the best idea.

And why's that? I asked.

Sal sighed. Our pretty places focus on being pretty. Pleasant. On feeling harmony and giving someone a general sense of well-being. We also used materials that are soft to go well with the pretty places, so even when you trip and hit the ground, it's pretty pleasant. Miss Divine told us that was dangerous because the lack of solid materials would cause structural instability. She used her equipment to calculate the stress that our pretty places would have to be able to endure when taking in mind the projected inflow of new souls. Selaphiel looked at the cherub-covered ceiling in despair. She lost me after two minutes. Gabriel and Peter tried to convince her that souls are weightless so there is no fear for structural instability.

And then it happened, Pete said, making me very curious. We were at the Bible Park Trail Loop, where fitness-freaky souls can have a good run around the park, when three souls showed up and a tree came down. Don't worry, Bill, it missed the souls.

Damn, I thought to myself. That was a shame. Having a bloodbath in a heavenly park would have been something for the boys of Hellish News! I would have framed that edition.

And it was a soft tree, Gabe added, so it couldn't have hurt anyone. But that inspector saw it happen and wrote it down as if it was a terrible thing.

It wasn't, Sal said. We picked up the tree, put it back, told our dearly departed souls that things were fine and that was it. One of the fitness freaks even said they would have something cool to talk about later. I think this Divine woman even wrote that down as something bad.

I told them that something like that wouldn't surprise me. In my place she deemed many things dangerous as well, and even if you know just a tiny bit about the reason my place exists, you know it should be dangerous. I've never understood how you managed to keep your Heaven running with all the soft and soppy stuff. I'd go stark raving mad there. Meanwhile I was shuffling the cards for another game. Not having a complete deck shouldn't keep us from playing and if I could prevent Gabe's new pack of cards disaster, I would.

We played a few more rounds while discussing the weird inspector. The archangels also had no idea where Juliette Divine had come from. None of us knew of any Health and Safety board that was supposed to be supervising Heaven and Hell.

Do you think your assistant could find out more? Gabe asked. What's his name again? Morris?

Maurice, I corrected him. I remember putting a note about that on his desk some time ago. Not sure how much time ago, though, so it might have ended up at the bottom of the pile. I tend to leave lots of notes on Maurice's desk which doesn't always work out well. Maybe I should think up a new system for that but I'd be blessed before I'd ask any of the archangels for help. I could handle this and otherwise I could always blame Maurice for not having his affairs in order.

Bill. Are you messing with the cards? Pete looked sharply at me after I had won three rounds. Uh-oh. Time to stop messing with the cards, I guessed.

No, why would I? I asked. It's probably the incomplete deck we're using. I put my cards on the table. Face down. Gabriel, good friend… I said, why don't you get a fresh deck and start shuffling? That way you'll be done for the next card game we're going to do.

Gabriel frowned for a moment before he got up and went to pick a fresh deck from a drawer.

Ehm… This wasn't right. Gabe? What's that with the drawer? I've never seen you do that? Are you on some kind of retro-trip? I had reasonably clear memories of him just using some angel magic to conjure new cards. Archangels are much better at that stuff than I am.

The archangel dropped into his chair and sighed. His fellows sighed in unison. Juliette Friggin Divine, Gabe then said. I was thrilled to hear him say friggin. She told us not to use our usual ways because that might upset the tender souls we receive here.

Bill, next time Sal or me will do the shuffling, Pete told me. That Divine bit… bit…

Bitch, I completed the word for him, pitying him for not being able to curse.

That, indeed, thank you, put some kind of spell on him. As if she were a witch.

Ah. A bitch-witch, I understood. Bad combination, friends. We all watched Gabe unwrap the cards. Before he got into the actual shuffling of the deck, I got up. Well, boys, it's been fun. I picked up the gold I had won. We should do this again sometime soon. Then I dumped all the gold on the table again. It was useless here, and without some for the boys, they wouldn't have any gambling money for a next time.

The archangels agreed and wished me a good night and a safe journey home. I wondered about the safe bit so I asked why they added that. They had never bothered about that before.

"Just… well, this is the border between Heaven and Hell, and you never know what can happen."

I could almost hear the high-pitched voice of Friggin Divine when Pete said that. I promised them I'd be fine.

Then, on the way home, something odd happened. It didn't occur right after leaving our private little card place, but when I had just entered my own realm again. I sensed a pair of eyes on me. Eyes that shouldn't be there. If any eyes were on someone, it should be my eyes on someone. Preferably someone to have some fun with.

I shook off that odd bit of paranoia and marched on, when all of a sudden, in the distance, I saw a pair of eyes. They were on me. Around those eyes was a wolf. That worried me. The only serious influx of wolves in hell had been the werewolves and this wasn't a werewolf. It was a huge, grey model that turned around