Un-Adoptable? Faith Beyond Foster Care

Contents

Dedication

Praise For Un-Adoptable?

Foreword

Introduction

Help! I Don’t Speak Foster

There Is No Such ThingAs a Perfect Match

How Much UnravellingCould We Stomach?

Reactive Attachment Disorder:My Special Battle

Bedtime: When No One Sleeps

Is It Okay To Be Afraid?

Can Love Really Change People?

Pushing Back Against The System

Seeing Past The Paperwork

Be Careful What You Wish For

This Is Uncomfortable

The Most Special School, Ever

Allowing A Do-Over In ADon’t Do That Culture

What Is Normal?

A Child By Any Other Name…

And Then It Got Worse

Every Wound: Opened

Forever Means More Than Adoption

Afterword

Acknowledgements

The stories and conversations in this book are based on true events but are altered to conceal non-essential or private information to the best of the author’s ability. In addition, no information or opinions in this book should be considered a substitute for the advice, decisions, or judgement of a qualified medical or mental health professional. The author expressly disclaims responsibility for any adverse effects arising from the use or application of the information shared within.

Copyright © 2019 by Janelle Molony

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any manner without written permission of the copyright owner except for the use of quotations in a book review. For more information, interviews, or speaking engagements, visit:

www.JanelleMolony.com

Cover design by 99Designs.com/Klassic Designs

Cover image by Unsplash/Anna Kolosyuk @anko_

Book layout by Ekow Addai

Author headshot by Dana Kirkland

Print (Hardback): 978-1-7344638-0-4 ($19.95)

Print (Paperback): 978-1-7344638-1-1 ($16.95)

EBook: 978-1-7344638-2-8 ($9.95)

Faith-based family and parenting memoir.

Genre: Parenting / Family

Web: JanelleMolony.com and AdoptionToLife.com

Dedication

To my Grandparents, Ralph and Marie.

They fostered children in the 1950s, loving every single child in their care. When they spoke of the blind boy, or the half-Japanese girl, and finally being able to adopt their first son, their emotions poured out to fill the room like the scent of a sweet, holiday pie. Sharing with Grandma my plan to start a family through adoption was one of our last conversations. Later, I’d tell my grandfather I wrote a book all about it before he also passed on. They are both deeply missed.

Praise For Un-Adoptable?

A candid and courageous account of a loving, deeply committed first and later adoptive Mom who not only survived being put to the test, but triumphed. A must-read for anyone contemplating fostering or adopting a child. In short, a sobering heads up! As a psychologist, I was truly awed by the accounts of David’s’ age regressions. Janelle describes it in such detail, and with such psychological insight, that she could teach a class in child psychopathology. Talk about being put to the test. I’ll bet some prospective foster and adoption folks would read that and have a sobering reckoning: ‘If I’m honest with myself, am I made of the stuff that made it possible for Janelle and Ryan to persevere?’"

Dr. P. Leslie Herold, Professor of Psychology, Cal-State. Co-Creator of the award-winning Co-Parenting Training Program at Solutions for Families.

Janelle shares her journey of navigating the (foster care) system and fighting to create a family with a stranger. My favorite part is when she explains how childrens’ profiles are interpreted. This book is going to be helpful for foster and adoptive parents, those working in behavioral health, and almost anyone with an interest in family development. Janelle tells readers to: 1. Do their research, 2. Have a strong support system, and 3. Don’t feel ashamed if things go south.

Morgan Comeau, Community-Based Family Support

I’m not a behavioralist or a psychologist or psychiatrist. I am just a mom… a mom who loves and refuses to give up (on my child). Everything Janelle said is true and I most certainly get it. I’ve wanted to share our story for so long and wished to be able to tell others what happens. In her story, Janelle does.

Teri-Lynn Manning, Adoptive Parent

There is something in her writing that knits us together. There are just things other people can’t relate to. But Janelle can and does. Everything is spot on.

Kacee Cruz, Adoptive Parent

This was a nice read and it left me wanting to read more. It kept my interest and felt real, kind, raw and honest. It’ll be a story that will resonate and interest people who can relate to this journey in a big, big way. Janelle’s connection to people with special needs children and those with foster/adoption stories is fabulous. Her blog (AdoptionToLife.com) has also been truly transformative for me and my family. Janelle knows how to speak to and IMPACT families for the better!! I believe her style of writing and the way she strings a story together is compelling and offers a ton of readability. Thanks for sharing!

Debbie Gill Cross, Special Needs Parent

It’s a very moving book. It makes me want to read more and find out what eventually happened to the little boy.

Cheri Basset, Occupational Therapist, Pillar Child Development

Foreword

Lesia Knudsen

Un-Adoptable? Faith Beyond Foster Care, is beautifully written, amazingly accurate, and inspiring.

In the memoir, Janelle Molony shines a spotlight on the reality and heartaches that often come with foster parenting and adoption. The painful, yet miraculous story will leave you full of hope, joy, empathy, and compassion.

Her honesty and transparency gives prospective and current parents the courage to feel things we think we’re not supposed to feel, but do on a regular basis. Her story gives us permission to feel like a failure, make mistakes, or feel like quitting, without condemnation or guilt. Then, she bolsters the reader with hope for the future.

As a foster parent myself, I continuously tend to the heartache and pain of the children we care for. Janelle captured the raw and unfiltered emotions we regularly experience as we watch the children struggle with the reality of their situations.

By sharing her story, frees readers to say, Hey, I felt that, too. But I’m still a good mom/dad, and it’s going to be okay.

This book is a must-read for everyone who is currently providing care or considering foster care or adoption. In addition, social workers, therapists, church officials, and medical practitioners will benefit from seeing their impact on our families.

By reading this book, you will gain knowledge, wisdom, and compassion for the little ones; seeing the heart of God for the orphan demonstrated through the pouring out of truly unconditional love.

Un-Adoptable? is a story of God’s healing and transformative power demonstrated a family who said, Yes! to God and, Yes! to committing to a little boy they were told was unadoptable, yet now, is destined for great things.

Lesia Knudsen

Parent Coach, Marin County Child and Family Services, California

Author of Life in the Foster Lane, Practical Insights on Fostering Teens

International speaker and foster parenting advocate

LesiaKnudsen.com

Introduction

"What am I supposed to call you?" The little boy from the backseat asked. We had just picked him up from a Child Protective Services office to take him out for lunch and to play video games at the mall. We didn’t know the protocol for this. We just met last week—once.

You can call us whatever you want.

He knew his answer. I want to call you Mom and Dad.

The drive back to the office was tense. My husband, Ryan, and I held a silent eye-conversation with each other that I believe sounded like, "Um, that’s cool. Is this okay? I like it, do you? Yeah, I’m okay with it. It’s kind of weird though. And fast. Yeah.

Really fast."

X

Ryan and I had been on the waiting list for a foster child over a year. The only other time we had heard about a child we could meet was at Christmas, six months prior. He was a two-year-old boy. We said yes.

I wrapped some presents for him and tucked them under the tree. I had all his clothes in the dresser and decorated the nursery with the cutest monkey theme. We knew the transfer process from this baby’s foster home to ours would begin within five days. Anticipation was high in our hearts, and our church community had surrounded us with prayers and support such as hand-me-down clothes.

But this soon-to-be family was terminated before it could ever start. A biological grandparent stepped up and took the child in.

How could they? I was pissed and heartbroken. Selfish, for sure.

Last-Minute Marmie gets to be a mom (again). And I now have to swallow the biggest rejection pill ever. Everywhere I go, I’d be showing up childless, and everyone in my community would wonder what happened.

Adoption isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s hard.

Adopting from foster care is a special kind of hard.

This is my story. It is not everyone’s story, but I feel like it resonates with many families who have been or will be on this path. I didn’t write it to give anyone instructions. It’s not meant to scare or upset people. But I hope that you do find direction and guard your heart. When you open yourself to a child who has experienced trauma, such as many foster youths have, your life will take on a direction of its own.

So, how did this start? Well, shortly after I married my best friend, Ryan, we were having those long conversations about the future. Children came up. Without going into detail, it was likely I could get pregnant, but not-so-likely I could sustain a pregnancy. This wasn’t sad news. More like, Oh. Huh. We weren’t planning on having kids right away, so it would be easy to set this matter aside for a decade.

Then, on a long walk around the park one day, I wondered aloud, What if we just adopted?

He said, That’s okay. I would love any child we got as if they were my own. And that’s where the conversation stopped—for five years.

I never had any strong urges to be a mother in this time. My girlfriends told me about the day when my baby clock would tick. I brushed it off.

Then one day it hit me.

Let’s adopt.

Just like that. No, not, Let’s have a baby... but a very simple, It’s time. Let’s adopt.

It was from there we began an agency search. This became my project, somehow. Some call it a paper pregnancy. Completing paperwork and making phone calls was irritating, but my handwriting was more legible than Ryan’s and I had more patience for this kind of stuff. So, I sat through open houses and orientations alone at first, vetting several agencies that dealt with private, foster, minority, religious, LGBT, and you-name-it adoptions. Now, let me warn you—each agency has an agenda. They are in their niche for a reason. And there were pros and cons to each.

Money was always a huge factor. Those who could pay $30,000 cash would get infants. Those who couldn’t should expect a child over the age of seven. We fell into the latter category. Mostly because we were broke. But also because we didn’t want to buy a baby. That seemed wrong to us. We didn’t need an infant that bad.

I finally selected a semi-religious, semi-local, and semi-minority based agency. This happened by way of orientation follow-up calls. Without naming names, there were some racists in my family (this is not a joke). So, it was important to find an agency that would help us navigate the system in a way that we would not be bringing a child into a situation which would be unwelcoming. It didn’t seem responsible or fair.

So, um, I just need to know if our family situation would be a problem? I asked the representative of an agency. I remember receiving a personally written letter responding to my call. It said that our application was now closed.

Great. My racist family had already screwed this up and we had barely even begun!

A few more agency calls later, I finally talked to an amazing woman named Carol. She reassured me we would have many opportunities to see and search through all the childrens’ profiles to find a good fit. Sold!

As it turned out, the agency was two hours away from us, so I committed Ryan and myself to an immense trek for training every weekend for two months. The six-hour sessions included learning how the foster system worked, how to set up and manage our home, and how trauma and attachment impact the brain. Let me just