Single is the New Black: Don't Wear White 'til it's Right

Part 1

ridiculous comments you hear and how to deal with them

chapter 1

It’s Not Your Fault!

so stop beating yourself up!

I'm totally fed up hearing comments implying there's something wrong with me just because I don't have a man—statements like that are hurtful! It’s really sad that people see being single as meaning there’s something wrong with you, and I’m so over all the lame advice about how to meet someone!

— Allison, 26

It’s not your fault you’re still single. Yes, you read that correctly. Read it again if you need to. Let it sink in. You haven’t done anything wrong and you don’t need to change anything about yourself in order to find The One. Seriously. I know some of you don’t believe me and it may take the entire book for you to internalize this, but it’s not your fault you haven’t met him. It just hasn’t happened yet.

Not that I’m surprised by your resistance. I know what I’m up against. You probably aren’t hearing this sort of perspective anywhere else. In fact, if you’ve been single for any length of time, you’ve likely endured plenty of allegations bearing the exact opposite sentiment. Friends ask about your relationships in a sleuth-like manner, searching for clues as to where you’re screwing up: So, what exactly happened with Kevin? I thought this one was finally working out... Sometimes their teasing subtly veils accusations: Honey, what’s going on? You always chase the good ones away! or Have you ever thought about getting a little therapy to figure this stuff out? Then again, the occasional aunt, brother, or coworker blatantly accuses, You’re way too _______________! No wonder you’re still single!

Even if you’re lucky enough to have sensitive friends and strong family support, you still get hit by the antagonistic portrayals of single women so firmly embedded in our mass media and pop culture. Consider chick flicks depicting quirky, lovelorn women who, after Pygmalion-esque metamorphoses, emerge fixed and finally suitable for marriage. Or flip through the latest issue of any number of women’s magazines. Notice the attention devoted to helping single women identify Dating Don’ts and relationship faux pas—articles such as Stop Scaring Him Off: The Real Reason He Didn’t Call or Needy Moves You Must Nix: Nine Ways Women Come Off as Too Dependent.

By our late twenties, if not sooner, we get the picture—something’s drastically wrong with us or else we’d have already snagged ourselves a man. Caving under the onslaught of messages from rom coms, fashion mags, and our Aunt Barbara, we internalize the undesirable truth. Face it, we tell ourselves, "the common denominator in all my failed relationships is me. I’m doing something wrong. It’s my fault I’m single."

PSYCH 101: WHY WE DO IT

Why do we blame ourselves? Why take the brunt of it? Why believe it’s entirely our fault we’re still single?

Actually, there’s a bit of twisted logic at work here. By blaming ourselves, we gain a measure of control. That’s right. Rather than revealing some inveterate self-loathing, the masochistic blame game merely exposes a need for control. Thanks, you’re saying. Now you’re calling us all control freaks.

Well, maybe not freaks, but we do like our control. It’s only natural. Think about it. In today’s world, women have more command over more areas of our lives than ever before. We take charge of our education, strategically maneuver our career, and independently manage our finances. When things go wrong in one of these areas, we know who the culprit is—us! We’ve dropped the ball or taken a wrong turn. So when something’s amok in our love life (such as, we don’t have one), we come to the same conclusion: we must have screwed it up.

In targeting ourselves, we begin a nasty regimen of self-blame that, although a bit painful at first, ultimately produces hope. Wait, you’re saying, blame leads to hope? Exactly how does that work? Simple. It puts the control in our hands, right where we like it. We tell ourselves, If I’m the one ruining my love life, then I’m the one who can fix it. All I have to do is go to Barnes & Noble, find the right book, and become an entirely different person! Then I’ll find true love and lasting happiness. Problem solved!

I mean, consider the alternative. If it’s not our fault we’re single, who gets the blame? God? Fate? The Universe? These forces lie well beyond our jurisdiction. If they’re responsible, there’s nothing we can do about it. But if it’s our misstep, we can correct it.

So, while I hate hearing my smart, sexy, savvy, single friends berate themselves for tragic flaws, tacky habits, and troublesome neuroses, I get it. I get why they adopt this diffident demeanor and denounce their defects. The self-inflicted sucker punches are well worth it; they allow us to feel in control.

It just hasn’t happened yet

But just because I get it doesn’t mean I support it. It’s tough enough that our love lives haven’t played out as planned, yet we go and exacerbate the situation by accusing ourselves of ruining our chances for romance. More pain!

And to control the situation we try to correct the problem by taking charge as we would at the office. We conduct a needs-based assessment, identify weaknesses, and submit a detailed analysis with suggestions for revision—all in anticipation of increased outcomes.

Except in this case, the needs-based assessment is conducted on us. The weaknesses identified target our core, unique qualities. Suggestions for revision may or may not be realistic. Increased outcomes? After ripping our egos to shreds, I don’t think so.

How cruel! Guilty of destroying our love lives we scrutinize ourselves, pin-pointing some random personality trait, physical imperfection, or emotional idiosyncrasy that must go in order for us to prove acceptable to the opposite sex? Talk about kicking a girl when she’s down!

And the worst part? We’re not controlling a darn thing. We’re just beating ourselves up. This exercise in masochism doesn’t bring us any closer to love and happiness. Give me a break! All we’ve done is lowered our self-esteem in efforts to correct a situation that, actually, we can’t do anything about anyway. Nice.

Ditto

Take heart, it’s nothing personal. Even the most beautiful, sophisticated, and talented single women are suspect, women like über successful Sheryl Crow who recounts this exchange when she ran into another well-known personality and heard, I was just thinking about you the other day! I was thinking she’s such a great girl, why doesn’t she get married and have kids?

Crow’s reaction? I felt like the breath rushed out of my body. I couldn’t believe somebody was actually voicing what most of America probably thinks of me. I know it seems odd to people—if you’re not married by a certain age you’re either gay, asexual, or a freak who can’t get along with anybody.³

Writer Suzanne Schlosberg puts it this way, In your thirties you dread taking your place at the Singles Table. Your singleness has started to feel like something more serious than the flu, something chronic, painful and obscure—like diverticulitis. Deep down you know you haven't done anything to cause your condition, but you know that other people suspect it's your fault and in your worst moments you start to wonder if they're right.⁴

Girl Talk

Dear Karin,

So, you’re saying it’s not my fault I’m single and I love that—I’m totally down with the message. All this girl power stuff is really cute and all, but in my case, I am the problem. It is my fault I’m single.

To be honest, I’m kind of a freak when it comes to relationships. I always end up destroying them. Obviously I don’t mean to; it’s just that when I’m dating someone and getting to know him, I want to be around him all the time. I get totally caught up in it. But it always backfires because my boyfriends tell me I’m clingy and insecure—which I am! Of course this usually pushes them away. Guys hate the whole needy thing. So I end up getting dumped. See, I told you, it is my fault! I can admit it, but I can’t seem to change it!

Like I said, I love the book’s concept, the whole I’m OK, you’re OK thing, very empowering for women, but it doesn’t apply to me. I’m not OK. Really, I’m not!

— Daisy, 31

Dear Daisy,

Obviously the I’m not OK stance is workin’ for you, and I’d be loath to rip away that comfy security blanket of yours, but I’ve got to take issue with one point. You’ve decided you’re too needy and clingy and that this horrible trait pushes guys away. Your Saran Wrap approach to relationships does you in every time, is that it?

Well, I bet you’re right. I’m sure you’re as needy as the day is long—a complete leech! I can see it now—a guy merely glances your way and you latch on like white on rice. And if your new boyfriend (as in some guy you talked to for five minutes at the bar last Saturday) doesn’t call or text you ten times a day, you flip.

So sure, I bet you do push some guys away. But those guys—well, they’re the wrong guys, at least for you. See, I guarantee there are women right now in happy, loving relationships who are way more needy than you could ever be. They just happened to find their match and someday you will, too. It’s really that simple.

So, cling away! In doing so, you’ll naturally weed out the fellas who want a more independent woman and eventually, a guy looking for a needy, clingy, suck-the-life-outta-ya chick is gonna sop you up with a biscuit!

— Karin

The Awful Truth

The title of this section says it all. These scenes are not based on real stories. They are real stories!

WOMEN’S INHUMANITY TO WOMEN

CAST.

REBECCA: 37-year-old marketing director. Single.

ELLEN: 42-year-old freelance writer. Married with one child.

DEBBIE: 35-year-old stay-at-home mom with three children. On hiatus from a job in sales.

INTERIOR — HOTEL BANQUET HALL — DAY

Rebecca, Ellen, and Debbie are attending a luncheon at the national convention of the Organization for Women Leaders and Entrepreneurs.

ELLEN

Hey, does anyone know if Audrey Landry was able to make it to convention?

REBECCA

No, I don’t think she could come this year.

DEBBIE

That’s too bad. I was hoping to catch up with her and make sure she’s doing okay.

REBECCA

Okay? Last I heard she was doing great! She’d just earned a big promotion at work and was headed to grad school in the fall.

DEBBIE

Well, that’s good to know, but I was thinking more about her personal life. Things haven’t been going well. She never seems to have a boyfriend and it doesn’t make sense. She’s so intelligent and beautiful and fun to be with!

ELLEN

Yeah, what’s going on with her? She’s got to be 26 or 27 by now. You’d think a girl like her would have been snatched up long ago!

DEBBIE

I can’t figure it out either. It’s crazy that an amazing woman like Audrey isn’t married already! Too bizarre! What’s the problem?

REBECCA

Um, actually she’s been dating a guy for over a year now and they just moved in together.

ELLEN and DEBBIE let out a collective, audible sigh of relief.

DEBBIE

Thank goodness! I really was beginning to wonder what was wrong.

Lesson Learned: Even among members of a women’s leadership organization—which by definition is dedicated to the development of women per their career aspirations and entrepreneurial goals—the most important information about you is your relationship status. And your associates will be so concerned (read: obsessed) about it, they may gossip about you when you’re not there and worse yet, in the presence of another member who happens to be older than you and further off the relational mark.

Guy Talk

Okay. Karin’s totally right about the whole "you’re fine just the way you are" thing and I’ve got the perfect example for you.

I used to know this girl, Abby, right? And let’s just say she had a little junk in the trunk—and the back seat, and the passenger’s side, and the—(Okay, okay, we get it! — Karin) Anyway, she was always complaining about how guys only want thin women and she’d go on and on about how men never asked her out and how they found her unattractive and immediately relegated her to the friend category. She was always like, "Guys are so shallow! They only like skinny chicks! I can’t be anorexic, I already tried! Blah, blah, blah..."

Well, one day, this guy, Rick, starts working at my job. He’s like a total partier and he has this cookout at his place a couple weeks after he got hired. So my buddies and I go over to throw a couple sausages on the grill or whatever. After a minute, I went inside to find his john—which was hard to do because I had to climb over all his crap 'cause this guy was a complete slob. Anyway, I literally stumbled upon a box of old pictures and there’s this hilarious shot of Rick all awkward in a tux and this girl in a prom dress with big hair and, let’s just say, plenty of other big features, if you know what I mean...

This little pictorial retrospective clued me in to his "preferences" when it comes to the ladies. I called Abby and invited her to meet up with us. The rest is history.

— Guy

Um, okay then. Well, personally I wouldn’t have used that example but I’ve got to admit this story substantiates my point and, true, I did solicit a guy’s perspective...

— Karin

Selfie

For the majority of my single life, I blamed myself.

It started in high school, where I dismissed boys my age (stuck-up girl!) while mooning over my older brother's friends (silly girl!). Then in college I crushed the heart of the best boyfriend I'd ever had (stupid girl!), who eventually got fed up with our on-again/off-again relationship and left me in our mid-twenties for a woman who could commit. Consequently, I beat myself up for years—I’d been a stuck-up, silly, stupid girl and that's why I was still single.

As thirty loomed, I became increasingly despondent, convinced I'd ruined my only chance for love. I'd berate myself with self-talk—How many really