How God Shows Up: A Compelling Story Following the Sudden Death of a Child and a Mother’s Determination to Find and Know Her Daughter’s Eternal Expression of Life
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She struggles a dual reality of consciousness as she bears the rivalry with her mind and emotions and wavers fearfully with purpose for life and a deeply intense rendezvous with God to find her.
Judith’s determination to find what it means and where it is that she will find her daughter as a member of “eternal life” is daunting and life-giving, as she goes over all the details of what has happened and then finds resolve that is greater than her grieving and prevails as she meets with her daughter several times in her eternal existence.
Judith Marie RN MA MSW
Judith Marie comes into an opportunity for writing as she journeys through courses of spiritual psychology, theology and Insight awareness trainings to find a deeper meaning to life after the sudden death of her 11 year old daughter. As a professional in psychiatry and sociology and the Child Life Specialist in the Pediatric Unit in her community hospital she greets unfathomable guilt and questions all purpose in her life as she quests without ending to her relationship with God. She finds renewed life in the South with her new husband, playing pickle ball, weekly ballroom dancing, gardening and nature and continues her Joy for living.
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How God Shows Up - Judith Marie RN MA MSW
Copyright © 2017 Judith Marie RN, MA, MSW.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.
The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.
Scriptures taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV
and New International Version
are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™
Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.
Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.
ISBN: 978-1-5043-8749-1 (sc)
ISBN: 978-1-5043-8751-4 (hc)
ISBN: 978-1-5043-8750-7 (e)
Library of Congress Control Number: 2017914076
Balboa Press rev. date: 11/14/2017
Through suffering the sudden devastating death of her beloved young daughter and the poignancy of the deep grief and lingering sadness that paralyzed her, Judith Marie shares her amazing story of healing. She also reveals the blessing of grace that came in the form of a joyous and loving marriage with deep spiritual connection. She takes readers on an inspiring journey of discovering the eternal existence of living love. Her experience moving through the process of grieving and finding love and joy once again is an inspiration to anyone who has experienced the loss of a child or loved one. This is a must-read for all seekers of the Spiritual Wisdom inherent within us and how God shows up for us all.
—Drs. H. Ronald and Mary Hulnick, Co-Directors, University of Santa Monica
CONTENTS
Dedication
Acknowledgments
Preface
My Initial Process With Poetry
Introduction: Something Is Lost
Part 1 – Emily Janel
Chapter 1: Courage in the Face of Death
A Poem for Courage
Chapter 2: The Funeral
Chapter 3: Warm-Ups for Writing It Down
Not to Be Forgotten—Notes to Self from 1983
Inspiration from Gratitude
Chapter 4: Returning to Work
A Story In Waiting / I Cried Out
Chapter 5: Searching
Chapter 6: Extraordinary Events
Chapter 7: Investigation to Discovery
Chapter 8: Other Factors
Part 2 – Self Care
Chapter 9: Caring for Myself
Chapter 10: Joy to Grieving—Grieving to Joy
Chapter 11: My Reflection of Wisdom
Dear God,
Part 3 – Living with Emily
Chapter 12: Giver of Joy
Chapter 13: Emily and Pets to Veterinarian
Chapter 14: Becoming a Writer
Chapter 15: Postscript: The Emily Losey Citizenship Award
Other Honorariums
My Prayer
Part 4 – Life with James Thornton Daily
Chapter 16: Introduction
Chapter 17: Our Time to Meet
Chapter 18: Dating, Getting Acquainted, and Creating Relationship
Chapter 19: Creating a Spiritual Marriage and Healing the Past
Chapter 20: The Tennis Professional
Chapter 21: Freedom to Completion
Chapter 22: Hurricane Evacuation
Chapter 23: Seeing and Knowing His Time of Passing
Chapter 24: A New View!
Chapter 25: Grand Memorials
Part 5 – Personal History
Chapter 26: My Lifetime
Bibliography
References
Appendix
DEDICATION
First, I want to dedicate this book to my daughter, Emily Janel who lives in Heaven. She will forever be my teacher to a greater presence of God with me. And second, to my former husband Jim for bringing the loving presence of God into our relationship in ways beyond measure.
Furthermore, I give my full heart of gratitude to John-Roger for being the marvelous way shower of loving always longed for. Years ago, after accepting the Christ relationship through Jesus, I asked, Now, after accepting, how do I walk it in my life?
John-Roger—and now John Morton, the current Spiritual Director of the Movement of Spiritual Inner Awareness (MSIA)—have been the greatest of beings for the teachings and blessings of that awakening and guidance. As I have asked, the teachers appear in many ways and experiences through this divinely led movement of my spiritual inner awareness with all those who have joined with me along the way.
I close with the Hebrew words Baruch bashan (bay-roosh bay-shan), meaning as I ask, the blessings already are.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
First, I want to thank my wonderful family: Mom and Dad, who will always reside within me. Then, my brother, Ted, my sisters, Pamela and Beth, and their wonderful spouses and children, who have followed with caring hearts and ever-present hugs. Their healing sustenance through all of my tears, grief, and growth held me together in this lifetime. I send y’all heartfelt hugs and kisses from wherever I am, morning, noon, or night, as I lift you into God’s loving in all ways that can be delivered.
Then, my gratitude goes beyond measure for the opportunity that has been given to me with the Women Writing in Birmingham class created and facilitated by Lucy Jaffe in the setting of her lovely home on the cliff overlooking Birmingham, Alabama. In addition to her guidance and participation, my great privilege and joy has been to meet and receive the support of all the women participants over nine years of semesters. We have gathered to pursue our many voices and stories, which we freely express in a safe, confidential place where we write, read, listen, and give feedback for encouragement and support. Without this milieu I would not have found the courage that my heart has held and the joy that I have come to know from the life returned to me that I share in these pages. Thank you, Lucy, and all the women who have held me up and listened through my tears, my joy, and all my fumbling toward clarity with my words. Your words of encouragement and your presence of support have kept me persevering to completion!
PREFACE
My Purpose and Process for Writing
My purpose for my current writing is threefold. First, I want to share the journey of my healing—that is, my letting go of my most precious gift and finding trust and renewal in God. I want to share how my relationship with God became a reality of knowing the eternal life of my daughter after her passing, beyond an imposed belief that I would need to wait to see her again after I too passed over. This waiting that I was expected to trust and accept felt shallow and without consideration or evidence of what I had heard was the eternal life where she now resided. If life is eternal, then I wanted to find that place that went on living with her, and I wanted to find it NOW! I did not intend to wait for someday I could not survive without knowing more about what was available and true through the faith I had always had in my relationship with God. I want to share how that loving presence has shown up for me.
Secondly, in writing, I aim to step through the massive fear and darkness of loss to share what I learned about connecting this lifetime to her eternal source of life. I want to share with you how I came to know the depth of that source of life, to find and go forward with the abundance of it, as I had joyfully experienced in the gift of her physical presence; to share how God and I co-created experiences and interactions with her existence from the other side. I want to share how her eternal presence became a reality as I grew in greater awareness of Christ within me.
Thirdly, I want to share some feedback that was initiated when my mother lovingly let me know that she had learned that the loss of a child was something I would get over
. She let me know she had attended a professional presentation after worrying about my grieving. Now, after reading some current research, I see the kind of findings she referred to. Research shows significant elevated mortality rates in women and mothers who grieve the loss of a child. The studies cover families of every social status, financial means, family size, age, marital status, and religious orientation, regardless of the course or situation of the death of the child. It confirmed my own experience and was startling to once again bring this to my attention. The time frame of these studies showed a 133 percent increase in suicide during the first two years after the loss and an increase in ongoing health issues up to 18 years, then ongoing effects throughout life. This includes a variety of ways that depression shows up and the variety of ways it can be expressed in response to the death of a child.¹
I not only understand all the factors, but I share the awareness and experience as I write my story. Even though I was a professional with education in psychiatry and human development, I wanted to end my life. I desired to leave this life to be with my daughter and be free from the intense pain of separation. For a while, a real part of me saw it as a logical solution. I struggled to get through each day as a childless mother living alone, trying to cope without direction or purpose in my life. I also had other influences that gave me answers and reengagement of purpose.
MY INITIAL PROCESS WITH POETRY
What Am I Waiting For?
I hear others saying this to me without speaking,
or perhaps it is that voice from within that
projects this reflection from experiences long past.
I am obsessed at times with impatience and
with incompletions that sit in front of me
calling for my attention to get them out of the way.
I say that I am waiting for things
to get done
so then … I can have some creative time for me.
You know the agenda:
All the home care, self-care, management issues,
but as I write, I am more honest with myself,
wondering what really blocks my expression - takes me off course?
I need time to be quiet without distractions,
I need to be quiet with myself,
disallowing all of the distractions around and within me.
I want less to be done: less that needs to be done.
But then there needs to be time enough, and the right moments.
I want permission to just stay on course
with the direction in my mind’s eye.
Permission, support, and encouragement to write …
Inspiration and self-approval …
I hear, I already have what I need.
My own creativity is ready to accompany me.
She’s shown her presence with such an elegance of beauty.
We’ve had a few dances, and the music is waiting.
So what is at the heart of this waiting?
Waiting to find the course of my writing?
As I quiet myself and listen, I hear …
for Emily to come home.
Loudly and clearly I hear, I’m waiting for Emily to come home.
In my heart there will always be a space that waits for her,
Through all of the healing and knowing, there is still a space in waiting.
A space that thinks something isn’t completed:
one more thing to do … one more
accomplishment for learning and letting go,
one more place to love;
Out there, in here, for others, for myself, and for the world.
Passing time, I wait, without really knowing what stops me.
Creating means new life. Emily was already my perfect creation.
I keep doing—waiting for her to show up.
If I’m pleasing to others, pleasing to God, pleasing to me—Please, God!
Listening, I hear and am reminded
God will give her a key so she can drop by to see me.
It has happened frequently from the other side.
I move into sleep and travel into my Soul Self, and our Selves could meet
Without the restrictions of this body.
I’ve heard others speak of it.
This body here is too busy—a busy body
is what I am.
I’ve heard this phrase before, busy body,
without much attention to it.
But now I know what it is… my busy body:
It feels best to pass through time quickly by keeping busy
Doing … I’ve done it since Emi left.
There must be something more to do. There always is.
I never have to look very far. It greets me:
clearing, cleansing, caring, reaching out, touching, smiling, speaking;
finding more connections of things to do.
It’s like a deep riveted vibration in my body:
this doing, wanting to find my being … of myself, as me, without her.
Fearing that I did not do something I should have done.
Remembering her hand nestled in mine: in the car, walking along,
chatting of the day, negotiating for what’s happening next,
laughing and cheering the contents of life and loving.
I just go on, searching to know of her presence within
finding new ways to live and love again.
The journey is ongoing. I am the one who will now persevere to the end,
carrying with me this teacher of joy and brilliance.
Just now, she has shown up again as my teacher,
showing me how I’ve used her life and leaving to create,
not functionally but dysfunctionally,
a disconnect from loving and creating for myself.
I forgive myself for holding on to her
in ways that are of disservice to me.
Again, grateful for finding this new place in me
that has shown up for my loving,
I embrace this place for my Self to once again
offer a new freedom for expressing with my Soul:
the gifts of Spirit that show up for my words to be made clear.
Who is this gift of Spirit?
Do you have a name?
I listen in the Silence and my words flow.
INTRODUCTION
Something Is Lost
Someone has suddenly disappeared. The lost person is my daughter. Her body died, and I don’t know where to find her. I spent years asking and searching for her, sometimes out loud, sometimes in my writing, and always within. What happened?
I asked. How did I let this occur to my sweet daughter? How did I miss taking care of her when she needed me?
I ask myself and my God—whoever is listening in there—Emily, where are you?
I heard, God only knows,
which feels like a bit of sarcasm from my childhood. I heard that phrase many times from my family as I grew up. It showed up when a question seemed unanswerable. God only knows
was said or heard as one gave up a quest for answers.
But now I say, Okay, God, since you are the One who knows, please show me.
I say, I need you to take me to her. I need to see her one more time.
Silence. There is only silence. I get louder: "Where is she, God? I’m her mom! It’s my job to take care of her. You gave me this job, and I love having it. You brought her to me, Lord, and gave me all this loving and joy with the gift and miracle of her life. What now? Now what? What is this, God? What more do you want from me?" I was broken and lost. I lost my favorite job: employed by God. The rug that held my feet had just been pulled out from under me. How do I stand up when I feel so taken apart? Where do I turn? How do I see and find my way? My mind and body are filled with confusion, and a physical and mental numbness renders me dysfunctional. From unspoken fears and guilt, the tears roll unceasingly! My searching began in the despairing silence of God’s voice.
Yes, my story is waiting to be told. The healing and writing it down has now taken years. Many times I had started it and spoken of it, but I have come to a place now where I can embrace my experience with gratitude for my own life, which continued after the sudden death of my daughter, Emily. I can now write the story, knowing that I want to share it with the purpose of expanding my gratitude for all of the ways a Loving Spirit ultimately shows up and offers support and caring to all those who have gone or need to go through that valley of the death of a child. Death is a treacherous conviction with an irreversible ending, but I refused to accept the unviable sentence of it, particularly with regards to my beautiful and gifted daughter who brought so much joy and loving to this planet and to my life.
Besides the fact that her life was so very beautiful in many ways and I was unwilling to give it up, I had to deal with the huge gap of reality that she was no longer with me. I was raised, had studied, and chose to believe that life given by God is eternal. I needed to find out how the truth of that actually existed. I am ready to share with you the ways of that realization and how I came to find it. I have received the experience of it in many ways, which I will disclose.
Writing it down revealed places in me that had not fully accepted my loss and needed healing along the way. Writing the story was like reliving it all over again, and visions of lack and loss arose from within for me to face again. At times, I had to release pain and face loss and fear to regain stability before I could once again look at the paper.
So now, here are my writings of finding and knowing, from my own experience, that my daughter