How God Shows Up: A Compelling Story Following the Sudden Death of a Child and a Mother’s Determination to Find and Know Her Daughter’s Eternal Expression of Life

Copyright © 2017 Judith Marie RN, MA, MSW.

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ISBN: 978-1-5043-8749-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-8751-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-8750-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017914076

Balboa Press rev. date: 11/14/2017

Through suffering the sudden devastating death of her beloved young daughter and the poignancy of the deep grief and lingering sadness that paralyzed her, Judith Marie shares her amazing story of healing. She also reveals the blessing of grace that came in the form of a joyous and loving marriage with deep spiritual connection. She takes readers on an inspiring journey of discovering the eternal existence of living love. Her experience moving through the process of grieving and finding love and joy once again is an inspiration to anyone who has experienced the loss of a child or loved one. This is a must-read for all seekers of the Spiritual Wisdom inherent within us and how God shows up for us all.

—Drs. H. Ronald and Mary Hulnick, Co-Directors, University of Santa Monica

CONTENTS

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Preface

My Initial Process With Poetry

Introduction:   Something Is Lost

Part 1 – Emily Janel

Chapter 1:     Courage in the Face of Death

A Poem for Courage

Chapter 2:     The Funeral

Chapter 3:     Warm-Ups for Writing It Down

Not to Be Forgotten—Notes to Self from 1983

Inspiration from Gratitude

Chapter 4:     Returning to Work

A Story In Waiting / I Cried Out

Chapter 5:     Searching

Chapter 6:     Extraordinary Events

Chapter 7:     Investigation to Discovery

Chapter 8:     Other Factors

Part 2 – Self Care

Chapter 9:     Caring for Myself

Chapter 10:   Joy to Grieving—Grieving to Joy

Chapter 11:   My Reflection of Wisdom

Dear God,

Part 3 – Living with Emily

Chapter 12:   Giver of Joy

Chapter 13:   Emily and Pets to Veterinarian

Chapter 14:   Becoming a Writer

Chapter 15:   Postscript: The Emily Losey Citizenship Award

Other Honorariums

My Prayer

Part 4 – Life with James Thornton Daily

Chapter 16:   Introduction

Chapter 17:   Our Time to Meet

Chapter 18:   Dating, Getting Acquainted, and Creating Relationship

Chapter 19:   Creating a Spiritual Marriage and Healing the Past

Chapter 20:   The Tennis Professional

Chapter 21:   Freedom to Completion

Chapter 22:   Hurricane Evacuation

Chapter 23:   Seeing and Knowing His Time of Passing

Chapter 24:   A New View!

Chapter 25:   Grand Memorials

Part 5 – Personal History

Chapter 26:   My Lifetime

Bibliography

References

Appendix

DEDICATION

First, I want to dedicate this book to my daughter, Emily Janel who lives in Heaven. She will forever be my teacher to a greater presence of God with me. And second, to my former husband Jim for bringing the loving presence of God into our relationship in ways beyond measure.

Furthermore, I give my full heart of gratitude to John-Roger for being the marvelous way shower of loving always longed for. Years ago, after accepting the Christ relationship through Jesus, I asked, Now, after accepting, how do I walk it in my life? John-Roger—and now John Morton, the current Spiritual Director of the Movement of Spiritual Inner Awareness (MSIA)—have been the greatest of beings for the teachings and blessings of that awakening and guidance. As I have asked, the teachers appear in many ways and experiences through this divinely led movement of my spiritual inner awareness with all those who have joined with me along the way.

I close with the Hebrew words Baruch bashan (bay-roosh bay-shan), meaning as I ask, the blessings already are.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

First, I want to thank my wonderful family: Mom and Dad, who will always reside within me. Then, my brother, Ted, my sisters, Pamela and Beth, and their wonderful spouses and children, who have followed with caring hearts and ever-present hugs. Their healing sustenance through all of my tears, grief, and growth held me together in this lifetime. I send y’all heartfelt hugs and kisses from wherever I am, morning, noon, or night, as I lift you into God’s loving in all ways that can be delivered.

Then, my gratitude goes beyond measure for the opportunity that has been given to me with the Women Writing in Birmingham class created and facilitated by Lucy Jaffe in the setting of her lovely home on the cliff overlooking Birmingham, Alabama. In addition to her guidance and participation, my great privilege and joy has been to meet and receive the support of all the women participants over nine years of semesters. We have gathered to pursue our many voices and stories, which we freely express in a safe, confidential place where we write, read, listen, and give feedback for encouragement and support. Without this milieu I would not have found the courage that my heart has held and the joy that I have come to know from the life returned to me that I share in these pages. Thank you, Lucy, and all the women who have held me up and listened through my tears, my joy, and all my fumbling toward clarity with my words. Your words of encouragement and your presence of support have kept me persevering to completion!

PREFACE

My Purpose and Process for Writing

My purpose for my current writing is threefold. First, I want to share the journey of my healing—that is, my letting go of my most precious gift and finding trust and renewal in God. I want to share how my relationship with God became a reality of knowing the eternal life of my daughter after her passing, beyond an imposed belief that I would need to wait to see her again after I too passed over. This waiting that I was expected to trust and accept felt shallow and without consideration or evidence of what I had heard was the eternal life where she now resided. If life is eternal, then I wanted to find that place that went on living with her, and I wanted to find it NOW! I did not intend to wait for someday I could not survive without knowing more about what was available and true through the faith I had always had in my relationship with God. I want to share how that loving presence has shown up for me.

Secondly, in writing, I aim to step through the massive fear and darkness of loss to share what I learned about connecting this lifetime to her eternal source of life. I want to share with you how I came to know the depth of that source of life, to find and go forward with the abundance of it, as I had joyfully experienced in the gift of her physical presence; to share how God and I co-created experiences and interactions with her existence from the other side. I want to share how her eternal presence became a reality as I grew in greater awareness of Christ within me.

Thirdly, I want to share some feedback that was initiated when my mother lovingly let me know that she had learned that the loss of a child was something I would get over. She let me know she had attended a professional presentation after worrying about my grieving. Now, after reading some current research, I see the kind of findings she referred to. Research shows significant elevated mortality rates in women and mothers who grieve the loss of a child. The studies cover families of every social status, financial means, family size, age, marital status, and religious orientation, regardless of the course or situation of the death of the child. It confirmed my own experience and was startling to once again bring this to my attention. The time frame of these studies showed a 133 percent increase in suicide during the first two years after the loss and an increase in ongoing health issues up to 18 years, then ongoing effects throughout life. This includes a variety of ways that depression shows up and the variety of ways it can be expressed in response to the death of a child.¹

I not only understand all the factors, but I share the awareness and experience as I write my story. Even though I was a professional with education in psychiatry and human development, I wanted to end my life. I desired to leave this life to be with my daughter and be free from the intense pain of separation. For a while, a real part of me saw it as a logical solution. I struggled to get through each day as a childless mother living alone, trying to cope without direction or purpose in my life. I also had other influences that gave me answers and reengagement of purpose.

MY INITIAL PROCESS WITH POETRY

What Am I Waiting For?

I hear others saying this to me without speaking,

or perhaps it is that voice from within that

projects this reflection from experiences long past.

I am obsessed at times with impatience and

with incompletions that sit in front of me

calling for my attention to get them out of the way.

I say that I am waiting for things to get done

so then … I can have some creative time for me.

You know the agenda:

All the home care, self-care, management issues,

but as I write, I am more honest with myself,

wondering what really blocks my expression - takes me off course?

I need time to be quiet without distractions,

I need to be quiet with myself,

disallowing all of the distractions around and within me.

I want less to be done: less that needs to be done.

But then there needs to be time enough, and the right moments.

I want permission to just stay on course

with the direction in my mind’s eye.

Permission, support, and encouragement to write …

Inspiration and self-approval …

I hear, I already have what I need.

My own creativity is ready to accompany me.

She’s shown her presence with such an elegance of beauty.

We’ve had a few dances, and the music is waiting.

So what is at the heart of this waiting?

Waiting to find the course of my writing?

As I quiet myself and listen, I hear …

for Emily to come home.

Loudly and clearly I hear, I’m waiting for Emily to come home.

In my heart there will always be a space that waits for her,

Through all of the healing and knowing, there is still a space in waiting.

A space that thinks something isn’t completed:

one more thing to do … one more

accomplishment for learning and letting go,

one more place to love;

Out there, in here, for others, for myself, and for the world.

Passing time, I wait, without really knowing what stops me.

Creating means new life. Emily was already my perfect creation.

I keep doing—waiting for her to show up.

If I’m pleasing to others, pleasing to God, pleasing to me—Please, God!

Listening, I hear and am reminded

God will give her a key so she can drop by to see me.

It has happened frequently from the other side.

I move into sleep and travel into my Soul Self, and our Selves could meet

Without the restrictions of this body.

I’ve heard others speak of it.

This body here is too busy—a busy body is what I am.

I’ve heard this phrase before, busy body, without much attention to it.

But now I know what it is… my busy body:

It feels best to pass through time quickly by keeping busy

Doing … I’ve done it since Emi left.

There must be something more to do. There always is.

I never have to look very far. It greets me:

clearing, cleansing, caring, reaching out, touching, smiling, speaking;

finding more connections of things to do.

It’s like a deep riveted vibration in my body:

this doing, wanting to find my being … of myself, as me, without her.

Fearing that I did not do something I should have done.

Remembering her hand nestled in mine: in the car, walking along,

chatting of the day, negotiating for what’s happening next,

laughing and cheering the contents of life and loving.

I just go on, searching to know of her presence within

finding new ways to live and love again.

The journey is ongoing. I am the one who will now persevere to the end,

carrying with me this teacher of joy and brilliance.

Just now, she has shown up again as my teacher,

showing me how I’ve used her life and leaving to create,

not functionally but dysfunctionally,

a disconnect from loving and creating for myself.

I forgive myself for holding on to her

in ways that are of disservice to me.

Again, grateful for finding this new place in me

that has shown up for my loving,

I embrace this place for my Self to once again

offer a new freedom for expressing with my Soul:

the gifts of Spirit that show up for my words to be made clear.

Who is this gift of Spirit?

Do you have a name?

I listen in the Silence and my words flow.

INTRODUCTION

Something Is Lost

Someone has suddenly disappeared. The lost person is my daughter. Her body died, and I don’t know where to find her. I spent years asking and searching for her, sometimes out loud, sometimes in my writing, and always within. What happened? I asked. How did I let this occur to my sweet daughter? How did I miss taking care of her when she needed me? I ask myself and my God—whoever is listening in there—Emily, where are you?

I heard, God only knows, which feels like a bit of sarcasm from my childhood. I heard that phrase many times from my family as I grew up. It showed up when a question seemed unanswerable. God only knows was said or heard as one gave up a quest for answers.

But now I say, Okay, God, since you are the One who knows, please show me. I say, I need you to take me to her. I need to see her one more time. Silence. There is only silence. I get louder: "Where is she, God? I’m her mom! It’s my job to take care of her. You gave me this job, and I love having it. You brought her to me, Lord, and gave me all this loving and joy with the gift and miracle of her life. What now? Now what? What is this, God? What more do you want from me?" I was broken and lost. I lost my favorite job: employed by God. The rug that held my feet had just been pulled out from under me. How do I stand up when I feel so taken apart? Where do I turn? How do I see and find my way? My mind and body are filled with confusion, and a physical and mental numbness renders me dysfunctional. From unspoken fears and guilt, the tears roll unceasingly! My searching began in the despairing silence of God’s voice.

Yes, my story is waiting to be told. The healing and writing it down has now taken years. Many times I had started it and spoken of it, but I have come to a place now where I can embrace my experience with gratitude for my own life, which continued after the sudden death of my daughter, Emily. I can now write the story, knowing that I want to share it with the purpose of expanding my gratitude for all of the ways a Loving Spirit ultimately shows up and offers support and caring to all those who have gone or need to go through that valley of the death of a child. Death is a treacherous conviction with an irreversible ending, but I refused to accept the unviable sentence of it, particularly with regards to my beautiful and gifted daughter who brought so much joy and loving to this planet and to my life.

Besides the fact that her life was so very beautiful in many ways and I was unwilling to give it up, I had to deal with the huge gap of reality that she was no longer with me. I was raised, had studied, and chose to believe that life given by God is eternal. I needed to find out how the truth of that actually existed. I am ready to share with you the ways of that realization and how I came to find it. I have received the experience of it in many ways, which I will disclose.

Writing it down revealed places in me that had not fully accepted my loss and needed healing along the way. Writing the story was like reliving it all over again, and visions of lack and loss arose from within for me to face again. At times, I had to release pain and face loss and fear to regain stability before I could once again look at the paper.

So now, here are my writings of finding and knowing, from my own experience, that my daughter