Hope Makes Me Not Ashamed

Copyright © 2019 by Dr. Frances Harris.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2018914942

ISBN:       Hardcover       978-1-9845-7366-7

                 Softcover         978-1-9845-7368-1

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Rev. date: 08/02/2019

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Contents

Preface

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1 Fighting for My Life: Shattered but Not Shaken

Chapter 2 Hope in Disguise

Chapter 3 Roller-Coaster Ride of Emotions

Chapter 4 Setbacks and Disappointments

Chapter 5 Faith to Move Forward

Chapter 6 Staying Focused

Chapter 7 How to Say Goodbye to Yesterday to Embrace a New Day

Chapter 8 Victory in Triumph

Chapter 9 He Will Makes My Feet like Hinds’ Feet

(Walking in High Places)

Chapter 10 I’m Here Now for Such a Time as This

Chapter 11 Hope Makes Me Not Ashamed

Chapter 12 Rising Out of Obscurity into a New Era

About the Author

Preface

Being design patterns for all of us as we enter the world, the expectations of parents—single or married—are always high even if you were adopted. However, somehow, we never seem to measure up to what we see in our patterns. Learning to appreciate life is truly a job, but sometimes when we don’t understand our purpose, hope has a way of pushing us in our lives.

I could remember being clumsy and sometimes stepping into the glass as I walked barefoot during the summer as a little girl. As I saw the falling stars, I would close my eyes and wish. The wish would be for someone to love me, for me. I would also wish to be a model or an actor, to be rich and famous, and to marry a tall, dark, and handsome man. I wanted to write books, plays, and movies. My imagination was wild. As my life as a child went through phases, the imaginary world changed to looking at the reality of life based on where I was in my backyard. The development of hope was being planted, watered, and cultivated all the time from birth.

My godparents, who were my uncle and aunt, wanted to adopt me, but my mother didn’t let them. Instead, my mother shared me with them each summer. My uncle would tell me every day I was beautiful and smart while I was staying with them. I could not understand why they chose me, but they gave me the hope of a better life, to help me see farther than my hometown or backyard—into a bigger city and state. I didn’t know where hope was taking me during those summers away from my mother and siblings. It was a part of my destiny to have better days. So, my views, dreams, and concepts in life stretched beyond each year.

I listened to the neighbor who would watch us while my mother worked the nights. There were so many stories of things that brought hope. As my siblings and I, along with her children, sat on her porch, the sharing of laughter and tears from all the stories told brought not only safety for all of us but hope. I felt hope because she would always talk about travels, other places, and the experiences she had while her husband was in the military. We discussed values and inspirational information about God, how we should put him first and learn how to keep our lives balance. Hope was making a development deposit in me that would grow to a giant and would preserve me until I would reach a certain stage of my life.

My mother worked hard as a chef to provide for my siblings and me with everything we needed—a hot breakfast every morning and everyday meals for dinner or supper. As she waited for us and served us, she taught me to serve not only family but everyone. She gave me something to reach for each day as she gave me the best, so my faith grew, and hope was buried within, where I could not see it. Many times, my concentration on my fears, faults, and flaws would overshadow my hope. Hoping for the better and greater came from my mother because as she graduated from high school and started college, she felt disappointed in herself for not finishing. My mother kept on pushing and pushing all of us so, I never wanted to let her down. I listened to her pray many nights, and she said, God help me provide for my children. The pressure was in my mind to take care of her as she did for us.

As hope lay dormant inside, shame and pain took control as my life started twisting and turning, then spiraling down. Life lessons and learning were not prevalent at each time until they were needed the most. Hope always came in each time from the little girl in me to help push me to keep going.

As I traveled through life ups and downs, hope for better days seemed to stretch as I married my high school love when I was young and inexperienced in a lot of things concerning marriage, children, and life. My focus was to be the best wife, mother, and person that I could be. In getting married young and not experienced all caused a lot of pain, suffering, hidden fears, shame, and uncertainties in myself, but hope pushed me through all the trials we went through, even through my husband’s murder.

Acknowledgments

I want to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who takes the first place in my life and navigates me through my spirit to find myself and my place in life. You help me see that your plan is better, and you made me see I was stronger than I thought. To question whether you are real is something I would never do because every time I look in the mirror, I remember that person on the floor crying and beating her fist. As I cried, your voice whispered inside me softly, Get up, wash your face, make your face up, and take a selfie. After doing that, my life began to make changes that would last forever. I kept moving.

Thanks to everyone who helped me find myself and to those who encouraged me, prayed for me, listened to me, and inspired me to keep going.

Also, I would like to thank those who let me down and disappointed me. You motivated me. You helped me see the world in a balanced way. You helped me understand how to handle the situation on my own. You helped me grow stronger, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.

For all my family and friends, thank you for all that you have given me in prayers to help me push myself.

To my husband:

In loving memory of you, who covered me throughout my life. For thirty-four years, of marriage, and as life partners, we carried each other. I couldn’t ever see the protection I had with you until you were gone. But that shy, fearful, skinny little girl in me you met was left alone to travel to the top of the cliffs of life. Your last words, which I value, a week before your death, were these: You will make it. You’re going to be all right. I asked you what you meant, but you were not able to reply. Now I know I had to mature. I had to uncover me and receive my next life phase. I know you’re in heaven now. I love you, and thank you forever.

To my children, Ronald Jr., and Talisha:

I wanted to be the best mother in the world I could be, but I felt many times I failed because I was overwhelmed with fears, and I harbored them. I was helping so many others that I kept my fears within allowing it to influence you to not feel the liberty needed to be free. I am sure you will come out of the pain of losing your father one day. Maybe this book will help you with your life and your children. I love you both and want to see the best in your life and your children. Love you, my diamonds.

To my grandchildren, Rhonda, Ronald III, Christopher Jacko Jr., Jacob, and Cadence:

I love you all so much, especially Rhonda, my little girl, whom I had to raise along with her brother, Ronald III, who gave me challenges but was a pleasure to raise as well. The inheritance you all have is great, and the burdens of fears are gone. And now you all can climb any mountain and go through any valley in life and be successful. Love you very much my rubies.

To my mother and siblings, Beverly, Debbie, and Barry:

In your loving memory, Mother Ruby Hall, you were the perfect example of a strong single mother. You pushed all of us with a sense of excellence to obtain greater, to work hard in whatever pathway we choose, to pursue our dreams and desires, to not give up no matter what challenges we faced. My sisters and brother are all strong, no matter what we’ve been through as a family. We all know there are no excuses. We were raised to be warriors and to succeed in life.

To Dr. Kenneth Mack, Sr. and Lady Joyce Mack:

Getting married very young and the pressure from it all, I lost my directions, you were the power couple I needed to get me through those hard times with your powerful preaching and teaching, Lady Mack as you pick me up every Tuesday and Thursday for prayer, I didn’t know the layers of covering I was putting on me. Love you much

To Bishop James Nelson and Mother Betsy Nelson:

You believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. You both saw the strength that I couldn’t see. You nourished me and carried me through this entire process before, during, and after. Your eyes saw through my cover-up and reach out to help me with the pain. I cannot thank you enough. My prayers for both of you that God will bless you with long life. That you may both see your prayers, hopes, faith, and beliefs in me manifested. Love you more than words can say.

To my secret captain:

You never knew what I needed you for, and neither did I, but I could not have ridden my bike of life by myself. I prayed and prayed and asked God to bring you with me to walk beside me, to comfort me, and to cover me. I felt naked and ashamed, feeling that all my life was covered up and that I could not see my way. God used you to take my hand in a way that I would feel someone was there, like having training wheels on a bike until it was time to take them off. Thanks. I needed no words or time, just the fact that God had your presence there. Thank you. Love you forever also.

Introduction

Do you need help overcoming your fears through life’s disappointments? Are these challenging times so overwhelming that they focus you on those circumstances instead of God’s perfect plan for your life?

You will learn how to see your trials to enhance your walk with God as he uses those experiences to help others. Discover ways in which God’s perfect plan for your life reveals his perfect plan if you allow him to be your guiding light. Master the two essential elements to overcoming, which include faith and hope in God and his Word.

I wrote this book because you need to understand that terrible thing happen to good people and in your life. Whether it’s a tragedy, devastation, or mishap, God loves you and is there to carry you through it all. And God has a plan for you. He did not make a mistake when you were born, but some generational things were handed down to you that you may not be aware of, so you must discover the hidden you. Also, I wrote this book because you need to know that fears harbored in everyone, but to overcome them, you must rely on God’s spirit for help.

In your life, there will be a roller-coaster ride of emotions from what you have learned in knowledge and experiences, but be careful not to blame yourself or anyone else. As you keep focused, hope comes in all sort of ways to encourage you to keep moving forward. Sometimes it may be hard for you to stay focused but understand that God has given you a raft of hope and a life jacket of faith to help make your life journey better.

You may find yourself fighting and fighting, but rest in hope. Now let the journey begin.

Chapter 1

Fighting for My Life

Shattered but Not Shaken

Though he slays me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face.

—Job 13:15 ESV

I never thought I would see the day that I would hate to hear Job’s name. Every book was okay, but this one. Taking on a challenge is one thing when you know what the challenge is you’re getting into; however, the fight begins when you know little to nothing about the opponent. But you learn in the arena of life that there are three major enemies to fight—the devil, the world, and the flesh. To conquer these three, you realize that you are your biggest enemy.

My husband told me one day, Mama, you have so much faith in God that I hope one day he can come through for you because sometimes we need to be more practical and realistic. I’m going to leave you and God alone with your faith. At that time, I did not realize that my faith was tested and put on display, putting me in a lineup with those in the hall of fame of faith, especially with the man whom God asked Satan about— Have you considered my servant Job (Job 1:8). All I could say then was Oh my god, Job, who did nothing wrong and did everything right, along with interceding for his family, which kept a hedge of protection around him and his family.

God removed the hedge from around Job, and I still don’t understand clearly God’s reasoning in all this because I had a problem differentiating the confident level of God in us from the charge Satan gives to God toward us. In this analogy, God is demonstrating that he knew Job and that Satan only knew of Job, but somehow God in this story seems to show that there is something within us that Satan would never be able to see between God and us. I would think God would want Job to keep living that way until he died. So, to understand what God allows is not always a punishment but lessons to Satan concerning his people.

But now as