Why Does Love Hurt so Good?: The Things We Allow and Put up with and Go Through to Have Someone to Love Us

Copyright © 2019 Ondray Pearson.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

KJV

Scripture quotations from the Holy Bible, King James Version (Authorized Version). First published in 1611. Quoted from the KJV Classic Reference Bible.

iUniverse

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.iuniverse.com

1-800-Authors (1-800-288-4677)

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-5320-8495-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5320-8496-6 (e)

iUniverse rev. date: 10/28/2019

Contents

Introduction

Session One: I Never Knew Love Like This

Caller Questions:

A. The Definition of Love?

B. What Goes Around Comes Around

C. Why Do Guys Date Some Women and Marry Others?

D. Why Can’t Some Men Just Act Right?

E. Real Talk Email Segment: Learning To Trust Again

F. Inspirational Vitamin: Affair-Proof Your Relationship

Session Two: Eyes Wide Shut

G. Note To Self: An Observation of a Situation

H. Client Session: Ms. Lisa Clark.

Session Three: Two wrongs don’t make it right!

Conversation: Ondray and Reginae

Caller Questions:

I. Should You Give Your Ex a Second Chance?

J. Is Sexting The Same As Cheating?

K. How Do I Get Past An Affair?.

L. Real Talk Email Segment: A Soul in Love.

M. Inspirational Vitamin: Ask God for a Mountain

Conversation: Ondray and Reginae

Session Four: When a Man lies!

N. Note to self: An observation of a situation

O. Client Session: Ms. Pamela Bridgeway

Session Five: Love will make you do wrong!

P. Dealing With Jealousy In Your Relationship

Q. Manhood - As It Relates To Love, Life and Relationships

Session Six: Love doesn’t pay the bills!

Caller Questions:

R. Why Are Men Afraid Of An ‘Independent’ Woman?/ How Do You Recognize True Love?

S. Two Wrongs Don’t Make It Right

T. How To Communicate Effectively In Your Relationship?

U. Real Talk: Email Segment: How To Survive Divorce?

V. Inspirational Vitamin: Do Not Just Complain, Be Thankful

Ending Credit

Dedication

I am dedicating this book to my friend, Tonya. It is because of your inspiration and support through our reading sessions that I took this direction to present my thoughts and views on love, life and relationships for others to read. With your help, I have been able to reconnect and reacquaint myself with Christ and His teachings as taught to me as a child and young adult by my mother and grandmother.

I want you to know through your love and support the pieces of my learning puzzle have become a clear picture. With your loving spirit and willingness to listen, you have encouraged me to do what I felt God had directed me to do which is to share His Word with others in a way I felt comfortable. The time we spent together and the things we talked about (even though I did most of the talking) told me God felt I was ready and worthy of a friend like you. Through the good and the not so good times, I have cherished every moment with you. I wouldn’t change a thing if it meant I’d lose you.

You have, through all our ups and downs, given and shown me love, even when I may not have deserved it at times, and for this, I thank you. So, when I say I love you, know that those are the first few words that come to mind to describe what I feel for you, but not the only ones, to express how you have made a difference in my life. Bottom line sweetheart, I feel blessed to have such a beautiful, smart, intelligent and Godly woman in my life. Thank you for being you, for loving me and allowing me to be me and giving me something I much needed in my life - balance!

Introduction

We all know and can agree that relationships are the cornerstone of human existence. Almost everything accomplished in our life comes from some form of social interaction, and love is no different. When it comes to love, it seems no matter how much our love experiences may hurt us, we continue to pursue, seek and want it in our lives. Loving someone as we all know, is tricky, and we also know when it’s good, it is good, but when it is bad, it hurts. It is factual that hardly anyone finds their true love, gets it right or finds the one the first, second or third time they try. It usually takes us some time through dating someone through trial and error. We most certainly will all kiss many frogs before we find that special ONE we can call our own.

It’s no secret and research shows that as we search for our soulmate, we date a lot hoping each time that person we have given our time and love to will be the one. Relationship Boot Camp, for lack of a better term, is an essential part of the process. It is here we find out some but not all of the things we are willing to do, go through and put up with in order to have someone love us. We learn a lot about ourselves during this process and sometimes, what we learn is that we are not as good as we thought we were. It is in these times that we realize how much being vulnerable can hurt if the person we love doesn’t love us back the way we wanted or thought they should have.

We seem to forget sometimes that loving someone comes with both pain and pleasure. This is something that in all relationships is unavoidable and at some point, we all will experience them both. The pleasure we feel in our relationship is when things are going well or the way we may have hoped they would. It is the pain we experience or that suffering feeling we get where we feel powerless to stop the hurt that seems impossible. Although pain and suffering sometimes feel the same there is a difference. The difference is pain is inevitable. It is something that is going to happen regardless of who you are, but suffering, meaning allowing it to be your life going forward is optional. Don’t panic. It’s just something we all go through when loving someone.

The reason why this is so hard to avoid is that to experience pain/pleasure, we must allow someone into our personal space. This kind of risk, meaning allowing someone into your personal space, trusting them and allowing them to see your sensitive side, especially when you’re not sure if they like you the way you like them can sometimes be hard. However, if we want to experience love and loving someone, we must all do this. The one thing many of us forget and have no control over is that loving someone does not come with refunds or guarantees. I know for most this means nothing until we’re the ones hurting at the end of the day.

Okay, before you say, What’s the point? Why even put yourself out there if there is a chance you will get hurt? To understand the point of putting yourself out there, you must first understand why you even consider it in the first place. The answer is hard to understand, but the truth is you want to love and be loved by someone in your life. Knowing, believing and understanding first that Loving someone isn’t about getting. It’s about giving. When you’re able to share and come out of your comfort zone, be open to experiencing your mate’s world, then you’re saying to them, I want to get to know your wants, needs and desires. You’re hoping they reciprocate those feelings.

Many of us foolishly believe in our relationship that we’re going to get our way 100% of the time. Believe me, this is not true at all. You must know that any good relationship involves and consists of two important things if they are to be successful. These are compromisation and negotiation. These are two words I suggest you learn and remember if you plan on having and maintaining a good relationship with someone. You will need to be able to give and take, not just take.

Here is a known fact many people consistently forget, Not all love is good. Yes, in case you didn’t know, most of us during our lifetime will waste our love and time on the wrong person in our quest to find, meet and fall in love with the right person. Some will figure this out sooner than later but for the most part, many won’t. There will be those people who mistake lust for love and think they are the same when they aren’t. When you’re in love with someone, and sexually things are going well, it’s hard to look past good sex to know if they are the right person for you. You tend to focus on how good one part of your relationship is and not the whole thing. It is because of your sex blindness that you do not see that you NEED both (love and intimacy) to grow in love.

You’ve heard people say We fell in love when what they meant to say was We were sexually attracted to one another because no one falls in love. They are filled with infatuation more than anything else. Yes, there is a difference. All of this happens because many of us confuse good sex with being the same or equal to love. Don’t get me wrong. Sex is a good part of the relationship, but a long-lasting, loving relationship has more components to it than just sex.

Sadly, though and I understand no one wants to be alone, but the fact is there are many people in relationships right now not because they are in love but more because they don’t want to be alone. Listen, it feels worse when you give 100% of yourself, and they hurt you anyway, not by accident but on purpose. When this happens we often ask ourselves, Am I ready to be hurt like that again by someone else? Am I ready to handle another rejection from someone I care for? It is okay to question if you’re ready to try it again. Life hurts sometimes, but the good news is we often survive and live to do it again smarter (well, most of us). Let’s face it, love is just like gambling, and just like playing the lotto, you can’t win if you don’t participate; and like the lotto, sometimes we win, and sometimes we don’t. One thing is for sure, if we do not gamble, meaning, put ourselves out there or get ourselves in the game, for many of us, we’ve already lost.

It’s true what they say… finding, meeting and falling in love these days is harder sometimes than finding a job. When you are single for a long time, you start to think and feel you’re never going to meet anyone to love or to love you. It is during these times we must remember and believe, There is someone out there for everyone. The question yet to be answered is Where do we find them? There is no way to know when we fall for someone if they are the right or wrong person for us. Will they pick us up or drag us down? Are they going to hurt our heart? It is hard to tell sometimes. I can say this though, if we want to be loved by someone, we must take a chance and hope the person we like likes us enough to care for us more so than they would hurt us.

I am not saying if you’re single to get with just anyone. I am asking for you to choose wisely when choosing your next mate. Base your selection more on attributes and not solely on looks alone. The way to do this is to know before you meet someone what it is you want, and what it is you are willing to give to be with someone. Many will not admit it, but a lot of people looking for love will call someone and pay someone per minute. You know who I am talking to. They trust these people to tell them their future concerning love, life and money instead of trusting and asking for God’s help. To some that’s crazy. I know many people aren’t religious, but for those who are, God can do anything you ask Him to do for you. He said so in the Bible.

Asking Him to help prepare you for the right person is an excellent place to start. If you’re one of the ones relying on these people to tell you your future, you would have a better chance and odds by flipping a coin. I am not trying to knock someone’s hustle, but the fact is there is no magic ball or spell anyone can give you that is going to help you (1) avoid pain in a relationship, (2) FIND the RIGHT one, (3) fall and stay in love, (4) make anyone stay with you no matter how good the sex is and (5) avoid anyone verbally, physically and mentally abusive in your relationship. Listen to me and get this in your head. Good sex is not love. A loving relationship involves a whole lot more components. Good sex with someone can get you into a relationship, but without love and a good friendship as your foundation to build and grow on, it will not last.

I am not saying you can’t have both good sex and love at the same time because I found it with my wife. When my wife and I were dating, I set her mind at ease when I told her that I wanted more with her. I told her that I wanted both love and sex at the same time not separately. I didn’t want a one night stand; I want her forever. I say this because people enter your life for one of four reasons: To add, subtract, multiply or divide.

Let me explain what I am saying. In a relationship situation, your potential mate is either going to add something to your life that’s positive or subtract, meaning take away or bring you down. When I say multiply, I mean in a sense where you and your mate are taking steps in a direction that grows your relationship. Now, this could be by having kids, helping you start or grow your business, etc. When I say divide, I am saying divide in the way they cause problems in your life where there weren’t any before, such as creating problems with friends and family you were close to before they came into your life. Now you find yourself at odds and you don’t even know why. These kinds of people are dangerous in your life because their goal is to divide you from all that makes you happy, not add to your happiness. They are a self-centered, insecure and selfish person who is no good for you.

You, because you’re in love with them, will not see this when you two are together. You will start to see there is a problem when you’re with those who you’ve known and your mate notices that love seems to steal your attention from him/her. You will see then that they like drama for no other reason than to keep it going. If you find yourself arguing with your mate and you have no idea what point they are trying to make or why you are having this conversation, then you have someone in your life looking to divide you from all things and people that make you smile. In that sense, they are not the one for you.

It has been said that some people enter in your life for a Season, meaning just for a little while. During that time that they are there, their reason for being there will begin to show you why they are with you but not give you a clue for how long. An excellent example of this is my ex-girlfriend. We had known one another for a year and a half and as a couple for less than a year. During that period, and I wasn’t aware of this until much later, her purpose for being there became clear. You see, I was turning 50 years old and she (and my mother) suggested I go to the doctor to get a full body checkup. Come to find out going to see the doctor was a damn good idea because I found out after the examination that I had Stage 2 Cancer.

It was because of her persistence that I found this out. It is one of the reasons I am here sharing this story with you. For whatever reason, I am not sure, we decided to part. We are still close friends to this day though. It wasn’t until I met my future wife that I realized that my ex was brought into my life so that she would get me to go to the doctor. My wife would continue the process of getting me better because she was the one I was supposed to marry. My ex was a stand-in if you will for a season. She helped me, did her part and moved on. God had yet to present me with the one I would meet, fall in love with and marry. It is because of God, my lovely wife, the excellent doctors and my family that I was able to beat Cancer. I tell you this because even in a bad situation, my faith in God got me through. It was God who, when He thought I was ready to love and be loved presented her in my life.

Breakups are hard but contrary to what we want to believe, after a break-up, no matter how good or bad it may have been, if we’re honest with ourselves, we learn something from it. A lot of soul searching is where this comes from. Self-evaluation and being honest about our role in the relationship good or bad, will help us to be able to move forward with our life or to re-enter a new relationship. It is then and only then that you will be able to understand what to do and not to do with a new person who trusts you with their heart. The reason I say this is because many of us have a hard time admitting we had anything to do with our break-up.

If we sincerely want to be better for someone else, we must take this time to correct our past mistakes, change our behavior, change our way of thinking on a few things, understand and listen before reacting to what we think we heard. I can tell you that lying to yourself will not help you change your behavior which is YOUR problem, but it will help and guarantee you repeat and get the same results as before. If you find yourself continually saying after every relationship encounter you have, What’s wrong with these people that they can’t just accept me for who I am? (FYI: You need to change YOUR behavior because 95% of the time it’s you and not them.) The key to limiting mistakes starts with you!

You must put together in your head an adjustable plan. A plan that as you grow and learn more definitely what you feel you want and need from and with your mate, you’ll be able to adjust it. Adjust it without losing most things you do want and desire in your mate and your relationship to be and feel happy with them. It is not uncommon to hear someone say they have no clue what they want in a person. On the contrary, it is a normal and sincere answer. The truth is hardly anyone really knows what they want from another person to be happy with them. Most people, when they do attempt to answer the question, often confine their responses to surface wants and needs rather than deeper needs. Our surface needs are those attributes we are attracted to when we first see someone we are interested in in the beginning. It is not because we know they are the right one for us. It’s because we are naturally attracted to them.

I agree that surface wants need to play a role in our initial attraction because we see them first before we get to know them. If the relationship is going to last however, you need more than good looks. You need someone with whom you are compatible and have chemistry in order to grow. If you go off of looks alone, you will be alone shortly afterward. Al Green once wrote a song called Love and Happiness. To understand how love makes you do things you usually wouldn’t do, the line in the song where it says, Love will make you do wrong, and when you think about your past actions you will agree and laugh because you never thought you would do wrong. It doesn’t matter what I just said, many of you will continue to select your mates on their looks and figure after the fact that you wanted more from them.

Many people believe when they get with someone who looks good that they will treat them good and love them the way they deserve to be loved. Honestly, this is not always (if at all) true. I learned from an early age when I used to spend summers at my Aunt Sherry’s house. As a young man, I would fall in love with every pretty face I saw and the women I met. Seeing me go through this, she pulled me aside one day and said, Never fall in love only with a woman’s body; fall in love with her soul. Once you’re in love with her soul, everything else about her becomes much more beautiful and will last longer.

If you read your Bible, it tells you this in Proverbs 17:24, (KJV). It speaks to men choosing their mates wisely, Wisdom is before him that hath understanding; but the eyes of a fool are in the ends of the earth. When we choose unwisely, we end up paying the price for it in various ways such as giving up half of your money and paying alimony for years to keep her in a lifestyle you helped create for her to mention a couple. Listen to what it says and understand you need to (as do women) look beyond the surface of someone when selecting a mate.

I am telling you that beauty and a beautiful body can fade, money can and will be made and spent (you can even go broke in the process) and if those are the only things you require to be happy, what would you be then once these things are gone? Unhappy most likely and the reason why is because love and being in love with someone must go much deeper than beauty and gadgets. Everyone likes the new new but once the newness of the attraction has worn off what do you have then? I will tell you, someone you don’t want to be with anymore. However, since you’ve invested your time, love and money you have no idea what to do to get out of it without looking like a total a-hole. If you would have watched for more profound qualities from your list that you once claimed you wanted and needed in your mate in order to be happy with them, your relationship would have lasted longer. These are some of the things along with additional questions, you should be asking yourself to get a better picture of who you are possibly considering as a mate.

For women, the questions asked must be direct, and the answers given must satisfy you because it gives you a little better insight in who you are considering letting into your world. Questions such as:

(1) Does the guy have a job? (This tells you if he would be able to take care of a family.)

(2) How long has he been there? (This tells you about his work ethic and if he is stable or a job hopper.)

(3) How long was his last relationship, and when did it end? (This tells you about his commitment level if he is a long-term person or a one-night situation.)

(4) Are you looking for a long-term relationship that could lead to marriage? (This question helps you understand and know if long-term is something he is looking for because in most situations when a woman asks this question, she is considering and possibly wants to get married at some point.)

(5) Do you have kids and if not, do you want kids? (This question is because one or both of you want kids. Either you don’t have any or you have kids and do not wish to have any more.)

Depending on your reasoning or preference you, (the woman), if you want to have children, you must be clear on this matter because if they don’t want children, it doesn’t make sense to continue seeking a relationship knowing you’re not going to get what you want from them. If you sleep with them hoping that your sex will change their minds, don’t be surprised if it doesn’t and you feel used. Yes, I know many, if not all, men will see that you want children and think if they promise and agree with you, they can and will sleep with you. Here is the trick, if you stop, look, listen and realize they aren’t telling you the truth, don’t sleep with them thinking that is going to make them change their minds because most times it doesn’t. Don’t continue seeing them because all you’re doing is setting yourself up for heartache.

At some point in your getting to know you conversation, you must have a financial conversation, a discussion on where you both stand concerning the debt you are bringing into the relationship if you’re planning to be a couple. I know it sounds risky, but you cannot be afraid to talk about money at some point. Maybe not on the first date, but if you’re considering getting seriously involved, this has to happen. If you don’t, you will find yourselves becoming a couple living and acting singly; meaning you are paying your bills and he/she is paying theirs. This doesn’t help you grow in your relationship. It hurts your future here merely because some people, once they find out how much debt the other owes, they may or may not want to take it on. If you both cannot come to some agreement to work together on this matter, it will cause a division in your relationship.

I say this because this is something we all do and believe is right. A good-looking person doesn’t translate to or mean that they will love you the way you deserve to be loved. It only says you are attracted to them and possibly them to you. Your search for love must be more in depth than a person’s looks. Chemistry and compatibility are just a couple of qualities that help your relationship stand the test of time. They are the foundation on which you get through those not so good times we all will, at some point, have to deal with.

Don’t be that person who goes along with whatever to be in a relationship with someone. If your relationship doesn’t provide you with at least 80% percent of what you NEED and FEEL makes you happy, then why are you really in it? Stop foolishly thinking that good sex with someone is your (a woman’s) gateway to changing your man because it hardly ever works. If this is where you are in your current friendship STOP! Realize you’re not ready to be in a relationship with anyone unless you’re thing is to be following, wanting nothing in life, wanting always to be begging them for what you want and need to be happy.

I know what I am saying is harsh, but it is better to realize this now and stop the foolishness before it starts and consumes you. Stop before you reach a point where YOU start to think, act and feel that what you’re doing is NORMAL. It is better to be rejected at this point in the friendship then down the road in the relationship. If you don’t do this and you get hurt, blame yourself. The other person never knew, and very rarely will they ask you if they love you how you want to be loved. It’s like the saying goes, You don’t know what you don’t know. It is okay if you don’t know but before you do something with someone, try and understand something because if not, THEY will tell you what you want.

I know this is hardly new news. Your wants and needs should never be based on what Hollywood, television or romantic novels say they should be. I am stressing this because if you have a clue of what it is you want, you would be able to dismiss the flash, glitter and gold that may have attracted you to that person in the first place. Can you see with clarity that the words they’re speaking match their actions? Just remember, You can do badly by yourself. These skills are invaluable, especially when you are dating. You know we all act right when we first meet someone (well most of us), and many of us are on our best behavior. Our representative says the right things, does the right things, etc. because that is what they were hired to do for us. They were hired to make us look good, seem desirable, and get us in! If our representative does their job well, the person you’re trying to attract or get with will walk away from your first meeting saying to themselves, Where has this person been all my life? Many of us know about the representative and what they are there for, but still many of us (mostly women I am afraid to say) get drawn in.

Here is why this happens more often than any of us want to admit.

Because we are so attracted to them, and tired of being alone, we will believe almost any dream they tell us. Many of us know there is a good chance they are not telling us the truth, but we accept it all just as long as it sounds good and could be true at some point in a relationship. Why do you ask? Well, for those who are being honest with themselves, you’re dying inside when you think you’ve found the right person to settle down with. You pray they take you off the single market carousel you’ve been on too long. Why? Because you’re sick and tired of going home to an empty house. You’re tired of people questioning why someone like you with the way you look is still single. When you do get in a relationship, hell, you LOOK for anyone who knew you were alone, to tell them you have someone EVEN if the person you’re saying this to never asked nor seemed interested at all. You do this because you are happy. It feels good to be loved by someone who you love.

Think I am lying? Then answer this question, "How many times when you were interested in someone, and you SAW obvious signs that they weren’t the one did you still get involved with them anyway? You told yourself, I got needs, as the reason why you did. Did it work out? Too often, we allow and convince ourselves to do things because we are lonely. A lot of single people will tell you if asked, Why are you single? that they like being alone. What they are saying because it is none of anyone’s business is, I haven’t found anyone to put up with me yet. Don’t feel bad. I don’t, and the reason I don’t is that I know I am not the only one who has played or been played by someone I cared for while trying to find true love and someone to truly love me for me, now am I?"

Listen, there is no reason to feel foolish for all you’ve done in your search for love. We’ve all been played and played someone. When that feeling of love hits you, there is NOTHING you wouldn’t do to catch and keep it. It’s why asking valued questions at the beginning of our friendship are so important. We need to stop relying on hope as a strategy and believing that a good relationship with someone is going to just happen by chance; we need to help ourselves by getting to know a person’s mind before we get to know them in the bedroom. Not everyone wants to be someone’s one night stand or thot but if you do, then you do. You need to understand, You cannot change the way people see you most times, but what you can change is the way a person treats you ALL the time.

You cannot say after the fact that they used me or played with your head or heart. If you accepted the lies and got involved with them anyway, that’s on you. People can only do to you what you allow them to do. You can’t gamble and call foul when the results aren’t in your favor, well, you can, but it will not help or change the fact that you chose to gamble without understanding what game you’re playing. Think about it this way. You try new things in life because you want to see if you like them. If you do, there is a good chance you will do them again. But if you try it and you don’t like it, and you repeat it knowing you didn’t like it, who are you going to blame?

There is no one size fits all answer to prevent you from being hurt by someone you’re interested in or love, but you can help yourself out by taking the time to get to know who you’re dealing with. Take things slow until you feel comfortable with them to share your personal space. Don’t allow anyone to tell you what you feel for them or how you should react to them telling you they care for you; you control you, not them. How many people that you’ve dated or slept with turned out to be the opposite of who you thought they were? How did it feel learning this AFTER THE FACT? You felt tricked, foolish and used for trying and believing in the many lies they told you. I have often said to people, Stop collecting red flags like they are valuable when they are not. Holding on to them means you don’t mind being hurt by this person. How many times has a person told you, When a person shows you who they are, you need to believe them? Listen and believe me if your car or home is full of red flags that you have collected like souvenirs or collector items, then you need to accept the fact that you ignored the warnings. You choose to gamble, thinking you can beat the system; then you must also take the fault and not blame someone else for your foolish choices.

With so many looking for love, it is no surprise that we would use the latest technology to help us. With technology, online dating, texting, video chat, etc. we have numerous ways to find, meet and communicate with those we are trying to get to know better, date and be with in a relationship. Sure, many people use these methods to hook up. It is fair to say the various online dating services and social media sites are helpful at times for the most part, but it is still tough to know who is real and who is not, who is ready to settle down and get married and who is just playing games looking for a hookup only. It is okay to be skeptical because you don’t know who you’re talking to until you meet them at some point. Regardless of the risk, one thing that is crystal clear for us is we all want to love and be loved, and many times we are willing to gamble a few dollars on paid websites to try and meet someone.

Side note: If you paid to get on a website to meet people, you’re hoping to find someone for real. Stop telling people you paid only to meet people because you’re lying to yourself. Even though sometimes we find ourselves alone because we don’t want to be a fool for someone knowingly, we prefer not to be alone. It is getting harder and harder to find one person to be with simply because many of us rather have quantity than quality meaning many instead of one. Some people say, We are not meant to be with just one person. For some people, this is a true statement. With all the games people play today, it is no surprise that the phrase single by choice has become the go-to phrase when someone asks you the question, Why are you still single?

As we all know, there are many reasons why a person would be single, and it is not always because they aren’t relationship material. A couple reasons that come to mind are someone who has just gotten out of a bad relationship or they realized what they thought they had just wasn’t. Many people are single because they are tired of all the foolishness they’ve dealt with in a past relationship to a point where they need a break, some alone time to regenerate and start over again.

In many cities, there is a 5 to 1 ratio of women to men, meaning there are five women to every one man. Men in these cities know this and use this to their advantage to act up and disrespect the women they are dating. They feel that they can act out because they know there are four other women left to get with if this one doesn’t work out. For most women, the fear of loneliness seems to be stronger than the need to be loved and respected by the person who claims to love them. It’s not right for any man to disrespect any woman. No woman should ever be disrespected, degraded or physically or mentally abused to be with any man. Although it’s not right, it is also not all their fault. Women have a say so in how they want their man to treat them. They don’t have to be ruled by men to feel special or loved. Good men want to treat them respectfully if they would allow them to.

Merely sitting down, talking and, more importantly, listening to one another could help you learn a few things you both want in your mate (those seeking godly people). So, instead of doing this to avoid falling or feeling trapped in a relationship with a person you don’t want to be with because you don’t want to be alone, you go with the flow and end up being or allowing those people to treat you any old kind of way. Then you blame them when it isn’t what YOU wanted or felt it should be.

Listen, if you’re someone I am talking to, please understand that all the self-help books in the world cannot help you turn your life around but asking for His help can help you. Understand and know if you’re in a difficult situation, Where you are in your life now is not where you will stay. My grandmother often said to me, People going through storms need to be still. She meant that sometimes we must be still, be patient and not rush. We need to believe and know that when God feels you’re ready (meaning a relationship) He will present someone in your view to see. Think about it. If you’ve done things your way and you haven’t gotten the results you were seeking, why are you still relying on yourself to figure out what you want and need? The Bible tells us this in Proverbs 3:5, (KJV), Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

I suggest (if you believe in the Bible) that if you are genuinely ready to change the way you have been doing things, then ask through prayer for God’s help. Be sincere, be specific and ask Him for what you want. He will hear you and give you what you need. Do your part; work on yourself and get ready. It doesn’t matter if you have not spoken to Him in a while or been in His house. He still has His hands on you, and He hears you. We are His children, and He loves us. He said so, and He doesn’t lie or break His promises. We need to remind ourselves daily that it is all because of Him that we can wake up and seek the things (such as love) we all feel we want and need in our lives. We need to stop only calling on Him when things are going badly. Also, we need to thank Him when things are not so good because it is ALL because of Him that we are among the living and can try over and over again to seek love.

Remember that your relationship is built on trust. Having this conversation in the beginning could do a few things, (1) you would have understood what you were facing as a couple and decided IF it was something you could handle together; (2) you would have been able to know how the two of you were going to make it work as a couple. In some cases, a person who gets involved with someone and learns after the fact of the other person’s entire debt, it could and most likely will impact your relationship in a negative way. For some, it is a deal-breaker.

When you do meet someone, and you both are feeling out one another, do not allow your friends or family to run them away because they think they are not your type. Your relationship isn’t about what your friends want or what they believe. It is about what you (and your mate) think and want with one another. People comment all the time, so it isn’t surprising. Friends and family often complain and try to make you choose to spend more of your time with them instead of your partner by saying things like, You don’t have time for us since you got your girlfriend/boyfriend, we don’t matter anymore?

It seems worse for those when they get married. God tells us how to live as a married couple and Man has shown us his views of how we should live which mostly are not Godly. The question is which one will you choose, His plan or Man’s plan? God’s plan is evident in Ephesians 5:31, (KJV), For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. In Matthew 19:5, (KJV), it says And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? In Mark 10:7, (KJV), For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; His plan for your relationship seems better than listening to outside people who have not invested anything in YOUR relationship.

Your friends are hoping you choose Man’s way because following man’s way could break up your relationship. Once you break it off, you hear them say, They weren’t your type anyway. You’re better off without them. Making you feel foolish if you decide you want to fix or repair your relationship because you are thinking, What would they think of me? You’re hesitant because you know when you two weren’t in a good place you talked about him to another family member. Now since you have calmed down and talked things out, you realize you were wrong. Now if you did get back together, you’re more concerned about what they’d think about you being with him/her again because you know they now are talking about him based on all you’ve told them. This process will continue to happen time and time again only because you will not draw the line between your friendships/ family and marriage. I know it sounds silly to say, but you know it’s true.

Your so-called friends will spend their time and energy like it was their job (they are not getting paid to do) breaking down your relationship and searching for reasons as to why you should not be with the person who you’re dating. The funny thing is people like this never realize they should put this effort into finding someone for them to love. If they did, they would have no time to mess with you. The bottom line is this. If you two have chemistry and are compatible, guess what? You are with someone who could be a good match for you. Living your relationship in God’s way keeps you connected to Him and creates an atmosphere that yields success in most marriages.

Now perfect or not, the strength of your relationship is in the way you handle the rough patches, peaks and valleys when you agree to disagree. How you deal with these things will, in most cases, either strengthen or break down your relationship. The steps taken within that moment will outline and determine the future and direction of your relationship. A good relationship is only as good as the foundation it stands on. There is no better feeling than to know the person you love loves you the same way. So, if you have an excellent foundation very few outsiders will be able to hurt it; the more positive things you add, the stronger it gets.

Many of us have a hard time dealing with and handling ripples in the water (problems in their relationship). Many people tend to panic when they are not sure how to fix or address issues in their relationship. The unknown sometimes makes us act a little crazy, scared, upset, unsure and unknowing of what to do next. It’s in this moment that we question and wonder, What have I gotten myself into? By now it is too late; you’re in it. The question is what are you going to do next?

Depending on what is going on with your life/relationship, you might find yourself asking out loud during this period of uneasiness and unsureness, How can the very feeling that has made me feel so good inside turn around and hurt me so badly? It is a common question that is asked and has no real answer. It is no secret, though. We often, with very little success, try and understand the complexities of the emotions we go through when loving someone. The one thing that is crystal clear and will never change however, is the fact that we will never fully understand why with the pleasures that love brings also comes pain, but we do know that Love unexpressed is meaningless.

Why does love hurt so good? It’s a question that has many answers with very little understanding. We’ve been told that love and loving someone isn’t supposed to hurt if it’s true love. Unfortunately and realistically it can and sometimes does. Only those who have experienced love before or are currently experiencing it can understand ALL the craziness, the ups and downs, the emotional ride and unexplained things many of us are willing to do to have someone in our lives to love us.

It’s hard to explain to someone on the outside looking in why a person would stay with someone who isn’t treating or loving them the way they should. Many would say that staying is foolish, not healthy or normal and many of them would be right. But for you to understand the why, you must experience loving someone first. Until you do, you have no idea the power that love has over many of us and all the countless adjustments we are willing to make, the bad behaviors we will allow and the