Living in a Crystal Box

Courage, a strong set of values, and a deep desire to become a teacher flow through Coco Martínez’s memoir Living in a Crystal Box. Reluctantly, she leaves her family behind in Monterrey as she begins her career in the isolated rural town of Doctor Arroyo. She must prove herself as a teacher and as a woman going off on her own in the late 1950s, a time when women stayed with family until they married. She tells her remarkable story with humor, transparency, and deep insight into herself and those around her who helped her fulfill her dream.

Hearing her story unfold as she brought each chapter to class was truly a gift. Coco took us with her to Doctor Arroyo. We walked the dusty streets and watched her students as she earned their respect and they, hers. Their voices and those of her peers and family resound with the flavor of place, as authentic as if we were hearing them ourselves. The language and images she uses to convey her story are delicious.

Her strength, humor, intimacy, openheartedness, values, and confidence shine through her words.

―Jean Jackson, instructor, the Academy of Learning in Retirement

PREFACE

The 1950s were for me a very romantic and innocent time, perhaps because I saw these years through the eyes of a young woman who grew up protected by her family and surrounded by their love.

At that time, we still attended dances accompanied by chaperones. Those were the years when, according to my mother and the rest of Mexican society, no decent lady walks alone down the street after ten at night. However, at the end of that decade, my life took an unexpected turn. Circumstances forced me to separate from my family in the city of Monterrey, Nuevo León, México.

Having achieved my dream of becoming a teacher, I found myself in a dilemma: accept a job in a public school in a remote location, far from the safety of my home, or reject it and give up teaching.

In México at that time, a woman left her home only when she got married. So, my main problem was convincing my father to allow me to accept the teaching opportunity.

My destiny took me to Doctor Arroyo, an isolated little town, with no main paved road, no drinking water, and electricity for only two hours a day. There, I faced the taboo of being a single woman, working and living with only male teachers, plus the circumstance of having students almost my age.

Another challenge was to earn the respect and affection of the people. My weapon would be to apply my mother’s wise advice: "Never forget that you will live in a crystal box. Everyone will see and judge what you do."

In this book, Living in a Crystal Box: Experiences of a Teacher in Rural México in the 1950s, I share my experiences of small-town taboos, superstitions, and new customs. My adventure began in 1958. I describe not only my loneliness and frustrations, but also the joy of seeing my students advance toward their goals. I show how circumstances influenced the course of my love relationship, the people and projects I had to give up, and the vicissitudes of my family during my absence.

This memoir is written for Spanish- and English-speaking readers. For this reason, I use descriptions of events that are familiar to those born in México, but that might be unknown or little known to readers in other countries.

In this story, I have changed the names of some people to protect their privacy.

This book is my love letter to the people with whom I shared my experiences as a teacher in Doctor Arroyo, Nuevo León, and to the wonderful neighbors of the endearing little town, to the love of my life, and to the members of my family who enriched my existence. It is also a tribute of gratitude to my former director, guide, and friend, the unforgettable professor Francisco Merla Moreno.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

This book was made possible because of the valuable help of several people who believed in me. Their knowledge, advice, encouragement, friendship, and love contributed to its completion. I offer my sincere thanks to all of them.

To my husband Martín, for believing in my potential as a writer and supporting me in the writing classes offered by the Academy of Learning in Retirement (ALIR) program in San Antonio, Texas, and for his understanding of my time invested in writing my book.

To my children Patricia, Carlos, and Omar, whose comments on this project were a great inspiration to complete it.

To Jean Jackson, my ALIR writing class teacher, who gave me the writing tools to embark on my literary adventure.

To all my fellow students in my ALIR Writing II class who helped me by critiquing the drafts of my book. I am especially grateful to Jane Dreyfus, Susan Chandler, Val Pierce, and Janet Alyn, who along with my teacher Jean Jackson, read my manuscript from its inception.

To Jan Kilby, another writing class teacher, and now a friend, who helped me edit my book and who has wisely guided me with her advice on various aspects of my writing career.

To my dear brother Arcadio Cayito Camero, who applied his experience in the literary field and his knowledge of the Spanish language to edit the Spanish translation of this book.

To the people who kindly contributed photographs and other information used in the book: Trini Rodríguez, Arturo Quiroz, and former students at the Doctor Arroyo middle school: Matilde Briones, Rodolfo Contreras, Miguel Huerta†, through his wife, Saskia Juárez, arquitecto Ismael Nava, profesora Lilia Nava, profesor Víctor Manuel Nava, and Lupita Torres†.

To Lillie Ammann, for editing and coordinating the publication of my book.

To each of you, I offer my eternal and sincere gratitude.

—María Socorro Coco Martínez

CHAPTER ONE

Take It or Leave It!

One early morning in August 1958, the atrium of la Dirección General, today Secretaría de Educación, in Monterrey, México, vibrated with laughter and animated conversations. Everything related to education in the State of Nuevo León—school planning and programs, job assignments, salaries, and changes of workplace, among other things—were handled in this place.

One hundred eighty-eight recently graduated young teachers, including me, waited impatiently for our names to be called. It was the Big Day! One by one we would be notified of our new teaching assignments.

Divided into small groups, we sat wherever we could. For the men, it was easy to find a place, even on the stairs leading to the second floor, but we women had a harder time with our tight skirts or starched petticoats. When sitting down, we had to make sure our knees were modestly covered.

Mexican women did not wear dress pants in those years. It would still take a few years before pants became an everyday garment.

I wore a pretty yellow dress that my mother had made for me for such a special occasion. The color of the dress contrasted against my cinnamon skin. My jet-black hair sported a modern haircut that framed my face nicely. My makeup was discreet, and the only jewelry I wore were a pair of gold earrings and the gold bracelet my father gave me when I turned fifteen.

I closed my eyes for few seconds, reliving in my memory the blessing of my mother and her soft kiss on my cheek before I left home. "¡Buena suerte, hijita! I’ll be praying for you!" she had told me as I boarded the bus that brought me here. With her words and her blessing, I felt protected.

The day was as bright as the faces of the young crowd around me. A light breeze helped to dissipate the static heat in the place. From time to time, some of the girls discreetly checked their hair or makeup in their pocket mirrors. A comb or a lipstick corrected any imperfection, and, once satisfied, they continued with their talk. Others tried to keep cool by using their hand fans or improvising fans with a sheet of paper. The water fountain gained popularity as the day got hotter. It was the first week of August, so Monterrey was extremely hot.

We knew it would be a long wait. Many of the graduates brought something to nibble on and to drink. By midmorning, several of them were already sharing their lunches or snacks with those around them. Others made plans to buy some tortas or tacos in the small stands close by. I had an apple and a banana with me, but the aroma and the looks of the tacos and tortas were becoming irresistible!

Amidst all the gaiety, there were lots of concerns, too. Not all of the 1955–58 generation of aspiring teachers had graduated. I was one of the lucky ones. More than good luck, it was the great effort I put into studying as much as I could in the spare time I had after working two jobs and helping my mom with chores at home. For three years, I had worked exhaustingly, studied hard, and slept little. My only time for enjoyment was a few free hours after work on Sunday afternoons. I usually went to the movies with Bertha, my friend and next-door neighbor, and occasionally to some parties with her and another group of friends.

At the beginning of our last year of study, the Director General of Educación came to our school, the Normal del Estado, the teachers’ university. All of the students aspiring to graduate as teachers gathered in the building’s auditorium.

"Do you have any idea of why the Director General is here?" whispered the girl sitting next to me.

"No, but we’ll find out soon. I’m afraid it isn’t good news. Look at the face of profesora Rebequita," I said.

We observed the assistant principal who accompanied the Director General. Instead of her usual pleasant smile, at this time she wore a stern expression.

After a short greeting, the Director General cleared his throat and said, The reason for my visit is to let you know that next year there won’t be many teacher positions available. For this reason, you are forewarned that we’ll try to retain as many of you as possible.

His words were followed by many gasps and whispers from the students. Several people in the audience fidgeted in their seats; others frowned.

As if that information was not disturbing enough, he added, And, to those who’ll graduate, be aware that for the first time, many of you will have to work outside Monterrey.

A heavy silence followed this last statement. Afterward, the Director General thanked us for our attention and departed.

When he left, accompanied by profesora Rebequita, a general murmur of frustration was heard. It did not last long, because she returned immediately to dismiss us. "Okay, students, you heard the Director General. My best advice to you is to study hard if you don’t want to be back next year. Now, please return to your classrooms. The teachers are waiting for you."

As we left the auditorium, I looked around me and noticed a lot of faces with furrowed brows or forced smiles. Others simply had an absent gaze. Undoubtedly, each of us was thinking about what our future would be.

I heard a student ask, Do you really think this can happen, or they are just trying to scare us?

You better believe it, replied his classmate. These people don’t joke around!

Now, almost a year later, we were sitting at la Dirección General, the Central Office. The predicted bad news had become a reality. Not everybody graduated, and some schoolmates were being sent to work outside Monterrey, not only to big towns, but to small communities, as well. This was causing a stir among all of us.

If I don’t get a position here in the city, one young male teacher said, there are two municipalities in this state of Nuevo León where I don’t want to work: China and Doctor Arroyo!

From what I hear on the news, those towns are quite dangerous, a young woman added.

Well, I won’t accept any one of those assignments for sure, another young man said. They better give me a job in Monterrey or in a nice town, or I won’t take it.

I wonder if this young man will really keep his word if the Director General sends him to work in a place he doesn’t like. I think it’s just bravado. If he needs to help his family or if he loves this career, he’ll accept anything that is offered to him.

Several people added negative comments. Soon, it was the general consensus that an assignment to either of the small towns of Doctor Arroyo or China in Nuevo León would be a bad one. Afterward, the theme of the conversation changed, and my attention centered on the director’s closed office door. My unpredictable future was behind it. When it opened, each of us hoped to hear our name called. For brief moments there was a tense silence. Once it closed, the noise started again.

As each schoolmate came out of the office, everybody wanted to know his or her assignment. So far, most of the teaching positions accepted had been in Monterrey, and a few in some towns close to the city. If I’m going to be sent away to work, I hope it will be in one of the nearby towns so that I can come home every day or at least once a week.

Early in the afternoon, the young man who was talking bravado was called inside the office. He left us with a sly smile. After a relatively short time, he came out with a dejected expression.

His friends surrounded him immediately. What kind of assignment did you get? they asked.

After a brief silence, he answered in a sour mood, China, Nuevo León!

Aww! And did you accept it? one of his friends asked him.

Of course not! he answered sharply, raising his eyebrow. I told all of you that I wouldn’t accept such a place. And don’t even think I’m worried. I’m sure they’ll call me back later with a better option.

Afterward he described his interview. Everybody around him listened intently.

At that moment, the director’s secretary opened the door once again. The noise stopped almost completely. Here and there, a nervous cough broke the silence. The hours of tense waiting had brought good news to several people and sadness and frustration to others. Now, full of restlessness, all of us fixed our eyes on the secretary by the door. Everybody awaited her words. She opened her notebook, adjusted her eyeglasses over the bridge of her nose and read a name on her list.

María del Socorro Camero Haro! she called.

That’s me! I said raising my hand. My heart started beating furiously. Oh God, I hope it is just me who can hear my heart beating like a drum!

"¡Buena suerte, Socorro!" some of my friends said.

Thanks! I sure need lots of good luck. I stood up, blushing at being the focus of attention.

I smoothed my dress and followed the secretary into the office. A slight shudder ran through my body. In a few moments I would know my destiny. The friendly woman smiled and wished me good luck on my new assignment. Then she opened a second door and motioned for me to go in. I breathed deeply and walked into what I envisioned as la cueva del león. I smiled thinking about what the Director General would say if he knew I called his office the lion’s cave.

The director sat behind his desk with several folders in front of him. He was tall and robust. With his dark suit, balding head, and black-rimmed glasses, he reminded me of a judge. He greeted me with a firm handshake. God, I hope he didn’t notice the trembling of my hand!

After we had exchanged pleasantries, he pointed to the chair in front of him. I sat with my hands in a tight grip on my lap. He opened a tan folder that had my name on the front.

"Señorita Camero, I have a special job for you," he said with a friendly smile.

I felt my skin crawl. I imagined what would come next—the position that the previous person had declined!

Is it … China, Nuevo León? I asked in a strained voice. I was sitting on the edge of the chair with a knot in my stomach.

Why do you say that? The director tilted his head and smiled. No, this position is in another place and a lot better.

I sat back on the chair and started to relax. I got ready to receive good news.

It’s a middle school in Doctor Arroyo, and your salary will be one thousand pesos.

I was dumbfounded. Doctor Arroyo! The other place where nobody wanted to go! My mind began to race. My parents depended on my help! Being the oldest of seven siblings, I didn’t have too much of a choice. I thought about all of the information I’d heard before and remembered Doctor Arroyo was almost at the most southern end of the state. I would see my family only during long vacations. On the other hand, my salary would be double what I had earned as a student teacher. I clenched my hands. What should I do?

"So, what’s your answer, señorita Camero?" The director’s voice startled me. He was tapping on my open folder.

I looked at him and bit my lower lip without saying a word.

I have to remind you that there won’t be another chance to make a decision. You either take it or leave it. This time there was a warning in his voice. The young man who left a moment ago will have to look for work elsewhere since he declined my offer.

"Excuse me, señor Director, but I hope you can understand that I have to consult with my parents first before I make this important decision," I said to him.

To my surprise, he showed understanding. He kindly agreed to wait until the next day for my final answer.

Before I left, he added, If it makes you and your parents feel better, I want you to know I’m planning to send two more ladies to Doctor Arroyo. You should know also that there is a possibility we might bring you back next year if a position becomes available in the city.

"Gracias, señor Director. I’ll explain that to my parents."

I’ll see you tomorrow then, and I hope you’ll make a wise decision. He stood up and shook my hand.

I left his office in a hurry. Immediately the classmates started asking questions.

I might go to Doctor Arroyo, I said. I still have until tomorrow to think about it.

In reality, all I needed was my parents’ consent. In my mind, I had already decided to go, not only because my family needed my economic help but because working as a teacher would be worth any sacrifice.

However, for a few moments fear assailed me. How would my boyfriend Martín react to my decision to work away from home? We had a long-distance relationship because he resided in the United States. For more than two years we had communicated only through letters. We had met in Monterrey when he came on vacation with his family. He later joined the US Air Force, and his assignments to other parts of the world had prevented him from visiting me.

Although Martín had grown up abroad, I knew that his family still preserved Mexican customs. According to them, single women stayed home until they were married. However, by the time he would receive my letter letting him know of my job offer, I would already be working in Doctor Arroyo. I sighed. Martín would have to trust me just as I trusted him. After all, getting away from my family was at that time a need, not a pleasure.

CHAPTER TWO

ALLOW ME TO FLY!

I went back home with a myriad of mixed emotions. I had been offered an assignment—even though it was not what I wanted. If I were to accept it, it would be a radical change for me and my family.

I thought about all of the positive aspects. The extra salary I would earn would be of great benefit in my home. Besides, becoming independent for the first time was exciting. I tried to dismiss the negatives, like going to an unknown, faraway town with such a bad reputation, plus the fact that I would rarely see my family and friends.

What kind of coworkers would I have? Would the people of Doctor Arroyo like me? I remembered the saying: "Pueblo chico, infierno grande. A chill ran through my entire body just thinking about this, Small town, big hell." I was so deeply submerged in my thoughts that I almost missed my bus stop.

Before entering my home, I breathed deeply. I would need of all my courage and diplomacy to let my parents know about my assignment and get their permission to work out of town. For sure, my mother would agree, even if it broke her heart to see me go. It was my father who would be hard to convince.

I heard the music from the radio coming from the kitchen. My little sisters Norma and Julie came to greet me with tender hugs as I walked by where they were playing.

Where are the boys? I asked.

Javier went to the library, Héctor and Cayito are running some errands, and Ernesto is playing with his friends in the river, Norma said.

I smiled, thinking that people who had never been in Monterrey probably didn’t realize that the Santa Catarina river was completely dry. Many years before, it had flooded parts of the city, so the government decided to make it wider and channel it. Only when it rained hard could you see a narrow stream running in the middle of the huge riverbed.

I was hoping to give the news to all the family, but maybe it was better this way. I saw my father at the kitchen table reading his newspaper and drinking a cup of steaming coffee. My mother stood next to the stove, cooking something that smelled delicious. Not even the aromas of garlic and spices were able to arouse my appetite.

As soon as they saw me, my father closed his newspaper, and my mom turned off the stove. I kissed both of them while they looked at me expectantly. They knew right away that I had some serious news to share.

"How did it go, hijita?" they asked almost simultaneously with a tinge of anxiety in their voices.

Well … I cleared my throat a little and took a breath.

Without delay, I explained the situation to both of them. When I finished, my mother was silent, with a dejected expression on her pale face. My father’s jaw tightened.

He frowned and said, It’s out of the question. We are not even going to discuss it. He stood up, emptied the rest of his coffee in the sink, and turned around to walk away.

I stepped into his path. Holding him by the arm, I forced him to stop.

"¡Escuche, papá!", I said. I felt his muscles tensing under my hand.

Shaking his index finger at me, and frowning, he said, You listen. You are a young lady with a home, and I won’t allow you to go anywhere away from us.

Norma and Julie had heard I was asking permission to leave home and had tears in their eyes. My heart tightened, but I couldn’t let my feelings get in the way. If my father didn’t allow me to go, I might never get a job as a teacher for the state.

This is 1958, Dad. These are modern times. Women have more freedom, I said. I swallowed hard, trying not to cry.

It was ironic for me to say such a thing, since I still behaved old style. My mom went with me to all the dances I was invited to, and if my bus was late coming back from school, she would be standing on the corner waiting for me.

"What are you doing here alone, madrecita?" I always asked her.

A decent young lady can’t be on the street after ten o’clock, she used to answer. "¡Qué dirẚ la gente! My mom would always worry about what people would say."

There I was now, waiting for an answer. My father had a stern expression. He looked at me sideways in silence. Then he tried to remove my hand from his arm, but I didn’t let him. He knew I wasn’t going to give up easily.

"The Director General is just trying to scare you. He will give you work in another place," he said stubbornly.

No, he won’t, Dad. Didn’t you hear what I said before? He’s already advising the people who didn’t accept their assignment to start looking for another kind of job. I don’t want to be one of them.

I was frustrated that my father didn’t want to give in. I finally dissolved into bitter tears. Have you forgotten how hard the last three years were for me?

For the previous three years, I had worked as a secretary during the morning and as a student teacher in the afternoon. At the same time, I had attended school at night in order to earn my teacher’s degree. Every day before going to bed I did my homework, wrote my teaching plans for the week, and tried to help my mother with some household chores. Many times, I stayed up until after midnight. That was my routine from Monday to Friday.

On weekends, I worked twelve hours on Saturdays and eight hours on Sundays in a curio store’s office. My only free time was after I had collected the money from the store’s cashiers on Sunday afternoon. I hardly had any time to rest during those years. I did it for my family and because of my longing to become a teacher. Now, I felt my father was cutting my wings, not allowing me to fly.

I wiped away my tears. Dad, I’ve always been obedient to you two; both of you know perfectly well you can trust me! I know in such a place I will be expected to uphold the highest moral conduct at all times. I’ve never disappointed you, and I never will. You have to give me your permission to go. I’m not a little girl anymore. I’m already twenty years old.

My parents knew how much I longed to be a teacher. My father finally agreed to let me go. I don’t know if it was because he couldn’t stand to see me cry or because I informed him that two other girls would also go to Doctor Arroyo.

"Well, hijita, if two other señoritas are assigned there too, it’s different. You just go to see if you adapt, but if you feel uncomfortable, promise you’ll come back right away," he said in a conciliatory tone of voice. He hugged me and kissed my forehead.

I understood how hard was for him to let me be free. There had always existed a strong bond between us because I was not only his firstborn but also a girl.

With my heart full of joy, I promised to do that. I kissed my parents with a surge of elation. The rest of the day, I tried to focus only on the positive aspects of my assignment.

The following day I returned to the Dirección General to accept the position. As I entered the office that I no longer thought was la cueva del león, the Director General stood up to greet me with a handshake and a kind smile.

He stared at me, opened the tan folder with my name, and offered me a pen. That beaming face tells me you are going to Doctor Arroyo, true?

"Sí, señor director", I said. "Muchas gracias for giving me the opportunity to consult with my parents about it."

That was because you came here with the right attitude, and I could see you really wanted the job. So, you are welcome. Now let’s finish this business.

The Director General and I signed the contract, and he congratulated me on my decision. He assured me it was a good assignment.

After thanking him again, I was surprised when he stood and followed me to the exit. As he opened it, I could see everybody in the room staring at us in silence.

I want you to learn from this young lady, he told the waiting teachers in a loud voice. "La profesora Camero is not afraid to work outside the city. She has accepted the position in Doctor Arroyo. He shook my hand again and repeated, Congratulations and good luck, profesora. We’ll bring you back as soon as possible." With that, he softly closed the door behind me.

Some of the young teachers said they were sorry about my assignment to Doctor Arroyo. The rest of them, I’m sure, were secretly relieved that the assignment had gone to somebody else.

When I returned home, I told my parents the Director General’s reaction. They listened in silence. I found it hard to see the wounded look in my mother’s eyes, the pensive expression on my father’s face, and the anxiety of all of my siblings who couldn’t understand why I had to go away.

I have to go, not because I want to, but because if I hadn’t accepted this opportunity, they wouldn’t give me work in any other school, I said to them. They listened silently. Dad needs my help to support the family, but I’ll be back as soon as I can.

My closest friends, Alicia Rodríguez and Mari Paz Rodríguez—who were not related to each other—received with dismay the news that we could be separated for a long time. They didn’t want me to go and tried to dissuade me. Yet, the idea that I would contribute to providing a better life for my family gave me the courage to continue getting ready to leave the nest. There were still three long weeks ahead of me before I would do so.

Despite all of my concerns, I could hardly wait!

CHAPTER THREE

PAINFUL FAREWELL

The day for me to depart for my new job finally arrived. It was the last week in August 1958. I woke up very early and waited impatiently for the sun to come out. When the sky turned pinkish, I ran to bathe. With nine people in our family, I didn’t want to wait for my turn to use the only bathroom in the house.

I put on a new dress that my mom had so lovingly made for me. I was lucky that she was a good seamstress. Sometimes I would see a dress I liked in a magazine, and she would make it for me. I couldn’t wait to wear my new wardrobe that was carefully packed in my two suitcases.

We all sat down to share my last breakfast at home. I wanted to enjoy those last minutes. There was always a sense of happiness when we gathered around the dining table. That was when we shared food, stories, and laughter. On that morning, however, there was a different atmosphere. There were long silences. My mother was unusually quiet, and my dad left half of his breakfast on his plate. Soon I was ready to go. But before leaving, I had to observe a special tradition.

I put a cushion on the floor and knelt down to receive my parents’ blessing. We did this whenever we were going to be away for a long time.

"¡La bendición de Dios Padre, de Dios Hijo y del Espíritu Santo, te acompañen y después de la de Dios, la mía!". As my parents recited these words, The blessing of God the Father, God the Son, and the Holy Spirit be with you, and my blessing after God’s! they made the sign of the cross over my forehead, my lips, and my chest. This was meant to shield me from all the dangers of the world.

"¡Qué Dios te acompañe siempre, hijita!, said my father. It felt good to hear the words May God be with you always, my little daughter."

He kissed my forehead and helped me to stand up. I held his hand for a few seconds. That strong hand had held mine so many times throughout my life. I let it go and felt a knot in my throat. I was moving away from the nest toward the unknown.

"¡Cuídate mucho, hijita!, my mother whispered in my ear. Take lots of care of yourself, my daughter. Then, she added something that would be my guide of conduct in the future: And remember that you’ll be living in a crystal box where everybody will see and judge what you do!"

That was perfect advice. She wiped away her tears and smiled. My mother was such a courageous and wise woman. She would always be my role model.

"¡No se preocupe madrecita, recordaré todos sus consejos!". I knew she would feel better after I assured her not to worry and that I would follow her advice. I hugged her long and hard, wanting to take all the warmth of her flesh with me. She was not only my mother, but also my best friend, and I had to leave her behind. I swallowed the lump in my throat, hoping she wouldn’t notice my pain.

All my family went with me to the bus station. We settled into a taxi with the usual giggling from the younger ones. My father was noticeably somber, and my mom kept quiet. I tried to make light conversation to cheer them up, but they just nodded. Occasionally, my mom answered with a sad smile.

I looked at my siblings and wondered who would miss me the most. Javier and Héctor were sixteen and fourteen respectively. As young teenagers, they understood everything better, so I knew they would keep each other company. On the other hand, Ernesto and Julie were the youngest, so my mom would comfort them for sure if they started missing me.

I had been Ernesto’s first grade teacher. His classmates didn’t find out we were related until almost the end of school. Ernesto was a respectful little boy who called me "señorita Socorro in the classroom and always used the formal word usted" when he talked to me. He did it on his own, and my fellow teachers found it amusing. He understood that in the school I wasn’t his sister, I was his teacher. When Ernesto was a baby, he was very sick, and I kept vigil over him with my mom. During his convalescence, I carried him in my arms all the time, but he never got spoiled. He was a good boy. I knew he would miss me.

Julie was the baby, smart and hyperactive, and for these reasons, she was always getting in trouble. One day she was walking on the roof of the house after my mom had advised her several times not to do it. Unfortunately, my mom delegated the discipline to me. It was a different time and culture. Helping supervise the younger children was always expected of the oldest in any Mexican family. I smiled, thinking Julie might be happy to see me go. It worried me that she would get out of control. I wished I could take her with me because I knew she would behave well around me.

Cayito and Norma, on the other hand, had a special attachment to me and vice versa. Norma was the long-awaited sister, and for years we shared the same bed. When I started earning money, I took her to the stores with me and always bought something for her. Cayito was more like a little son to me than a brother. When he was born, I was expecting a little sister, but when I bent over the bed and saw him lying next to my mom, so dark, "tan morenito!" as I said, and with his head full of black curls, I forgot my disappointment. He looked more like a toy doll to me than a baby. I thought that three boys would be too much for my mom.

Mom, you already have two boys. Could this one be mine? I asked her with expectation.

Sure, he is yours. My mother smiled. I guess she thought it was a simple occurrence because I was only eight years old, but I took her seriously. After that day, I took responsibility for changing him and entertaining him, and, when it was time, I was the one who taught him to walk. Luckily for me, he was a very patient baby, so it wasn’t hard taking care of him.

Now, all of them were standing together at the bus station to see me go far away. Norma stood by my mom as if trying to draw strength from her. I noticed both had teary eyes.

Javier, Héctor, and Cayito tried to be strong. "¡Los hombres no lloran!, I thought. They were raised with the concept Men don’t cry," so although my departure surely hurt them, they weren’t going to manifest it. Ernesto, perhaps because he was the youngest of the boys, turned around and furtively wiped his eyes. My father was more serious and silent than ever. Looking at them, I felt my heart sink.

While my two suitcases were being checked in, my youngest sister, Julie, started crying.

I want to go with you, she said. She grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the bus.

"No, hijita, you don’t even have your clothes," my mom intervened. She tried to get Julie’s hand away from mine.

Julie didn’t want to listen. She glanced at me with despair while continuing to pull me toward the bus. Her reaction took me by surprise and for the moment all I could think of was to say: Mom, that’s not a problem. I can buy some clothes for her.

When Julie heard this, she pulled my hand harder and was ready to get on the bus. Then everybody started telling her other reasons why she couldn’t go, which made her cry more intensely.

"Is just that ... you don’t want to ... know ... Doctora-Rollo," she said sobbing.

My siblings were amused by her mistake. It’s Doctor Arroyo, silly.

It broke my heart. I wanted to take her with me.

At that moment, I saw my sister Norma’s face full of anguish. There was no way I could insist on taking Julie with me. It was enough for Norma that I was leaving. To be apart from her younger sister would be devastating for her. I couldn’t do that to her. In addition, I recognized that taking her with me was impossible, as Julie, at four years old, was not of school age and I had no way of taking care of her during my working hours.

It was hard for me to get her to release my hand. When she did, Norma grabbed her firmly and pulled her. She wanted to be sure Julie would stay. I felt a tug in my heart to see my baby sister crying, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

I gave last hugs and kisses to my family and finally boarded the bus. I found my seat next to a window. When the bus started moving, I waved to them for the last time. They waved back sadly.

I’ll be back at Christmas with lots of presents, I promised them through the open window, trying to cheer them up.

"¡Ve con Dios, hijita, y escribe pronto!", my mother said with trembling lips.

Yes, mom, I’ll write to you as soon as I can. I love you! I yelled, afraid she couldn’t hear me over the sound of the loudspeakers in the area.

My mother followed the bus, almost running while it was leaving the terminal. She sent me blessings with her hand, and then she stood in the middle of the street, still wiping her tears. My siblings hugged her, while my father stayed alone next to the curb. This image oppressed my heart.

Oh, Dad. You must be feeling the same way I felt when I had to let go of Julie’s hand! You had to set me free, despite your pain! Thanks, Mom and Dad! I love you.

The bus turned the corner slowly until I couldn’t see them anymore. It was my turn to cry. I let my tears flow freely like an overflowing stream. What came to my mind were the words to a song my mother loved:

Dicen que no se sienten las despedidas

They say that farewells don’t hurt

Dile a quien te lo dijo, que esto es mentira

Tell whoever told you this, that it’s a lie.

El que se queda, se queda llorando

The one who stays is left crying,

Y el que se va, se va suspirando.

and the one who leaves, leaves sighing.

We’d always been a very tight-knit family, and now, with a broken heart, I was the first one to leave the nest.

One year will go by fast, I told myself. But would I be able to survive for a full year away from my family?

I thought it was better not to anticipate and just live one day at a time.

CHAPTER FOUR

UNEXPECTED EXCHANGE

The bus drove through Monterrey’s light traffic. I wiped my tears and watched in the distance the majestic Cerro de la Silla. It was named Saddle Mountain for its two peaks that resembled a horse’s saddle. This huge mountain, southeast of the city, dominates Monterrey’s landscape. It covers an area of twenty-three square miles, and its highest peak is almost 6000 feet high.

I enjoyed viewing this landmark every day on my way to work. I found it a treat to watch the sun rise behind the mountain, and it was a wonderful experience when a full moon rose over its peaks. Cerro de la Silla reminded me of a silent giant whose silhouette could be appreciated against the blue sky from far away. That time, I watched it with sadness in my heart, knowing I would miss it, just as I would miss all of the other rugged mountains that surround Monterrey.

Farther down the road, the bus went near Cerro del Obispado, a small hill with the Bishop’s Palace on top. I remembered the stories about supposedly secret tunnels underground that connected this with the Cathedral, four or five kilometers away. This historic place is now a museum, and for me and my family, it was a place full of unforgettable memories. I sighed, evoking the many times we went there just to admire the city lights. In my mind, I saw again my brothers playing and clambering over the silent cannons that safeguarded this place against the American troops in 1846.

Little by little, we left Monterrey behind. Once on the open road, I enjoyed the view of the stunning Sierra Madre Oriental. This chain of mountains at times looked bluish and, at others, very green. The landscape changed as we approached Saltillo City. Here, there were more green valleys and fewer mountains.

Lulled by the gentle rocking of the bus and the whispering of the passengers, I fell asleep, exhausted from the emotions of the day.

Four hours later, I arrived at the bus terminal in Matehuala, in the state of San Luis Potosí. I felt rested and a little calmer. This was halfway to my destination. From there, I would take the only bus to Doctor Arroyo, which ran only once a day. It was scheduled to leave at 3:00 p.m. I looked at my watch. It was only 1:00 p.m. I still had two hours ahead of me.

I asked for directions to the Doctor Arroyo bus station, but I couldn’t find anyone at the terminal to help me carry my two heavy suitcases to it. It wasn’t easy to walk in high heels on cobblestone streets. I tried to keep my balance so that I wouldn’t twist an ankle. Fortunately, Matehuala was a small city, and the bus office wasn’t far away. I would check in my luggage and then look for a place to eat.

I wondered if the other female teachers had already arrived, because they were not on my bus. Only an elderly couple, a family with several children, and I had stopped in Matehuala. I was eager to meet the teachers and hoped we would become good friends. With their company and friendship, I wouldn’t feel so lonely away from my family. What if I already know them? That would be fabulous!

Soon, I arrived at a small office that served as the bus terminal. My shoulders