Discover the Best in Your Relationships: Life Coaching For Muslims

Discover the Best in Your Relationships: Life Coaching for Muslims

First Published in England by

Kube Publishing Ltd

MCC, Ratby Lane, Markfield

Leicestershire, LE67 9SY

United Kingdom

Tel: +44 (0) 1530 249230

Website: www.kubepublishing.com

Email: [email protected]

© Sayeda Habib, 2021.

All rights reserved.

The right of Sayeda Habib to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patents Act, 1988.

A cataloguing-in-publication data record of this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN: 978-1-84774-163-9

eISBN: 978-1-84774-164-6

Cover Design: Nasir Cadir

Concept Design: Imtiaze Ahmed

Typesetting: Nasir Cadir

Printed by: Elma Basim, Turkey

Contents

Acknowledgements

Foreword

Chapter 1. What is a Relationship?

Chapter 2. Communication: The Work of Relationships

Chapter 3. Building a Compassionate Relationship with Yourself

Chapter 4. Enhancing Sibling Relationships

Chapter 5. Parenting: Creating Love and Joy in the Relationship with Our Kids

Chapter 6. Cultivating Fulfilment in Your Marriage

Chapter 7. Overcoming Divorce with Grace

Chapter 8. Stress Stresses Relationships

Chapter 9. Getting Along with Extended Family

Resources and Recommended Reading

Index

DEDICATION

In the name of God, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate.

I dedicate this book to all human beings who are challenging themselves, making changes, and striving towards improving an important relationship.

I hope that this book will bring you comfort through the tough times, and, be a valuable asset on your journey to more fulfilling relationships and greater inner peace.

Acknowledgements

First of all, I am grateful to my Creator for giving me the opportunity to serve my community through this book. I feel truly blessed to be doing such fulfilling work. With that said, a big thank you to all of my clients for your trust, for sharing your stories, and allowing me to support you along your journey. Specifically, thanks to Ambreen Saleh for reading the early chapters and giving feedback, and to Ali Ahsani for jumping in at a moment’s notice to help me with the Hadith selections. To my friends and colleagues, thank you so much for your moral support, it really helps me stay focused on the bigger picture. And last, but definitely not the least, a big thank you to my husband Sabir Ali, for pushing me to grow, and giving me the space to do what I love. To my darling Zainab – thank you for giving me the joy of being your mom – and for challenging me to show up as a better human being every day.

Foreword

Dear fellow explorer,

As salaamu alaykum. How are you? I am curious about what prompted you to pick up this specific book. Perhaps you have read my first book, Discover the Best in You and found it beneficial, masha’Allah?

My first book was designed to offer coaching and help you gain some insight into various aspects of your life, such as goal setting, creating abundance, enhancing self-care and managing your time. Although it did touch on relationships a little, this second book, Discover the Best in Your Relationships, is a more specific and in-depth look at the important relationships in our lives. I personally feel that the quality of one’s relationships impacts upon a person’s human experience more than anything else. When a relationship isn’t working in my life, it can impact how I feel about everything else. So, if you also feel that way, rest assured that you’re not on your own. Think back to when you were dealing with a challenge at work, or with health etc; who or what helped you get through it? Did your relationships offer you strength? Or did a certain relationship make it even harder to get through that challenge?

This book is a deep-dive into how human beings do relationships. You will learn some concepts that are important for relationships in general. Next, this book will help you explore a specific relationship that you wish to improve. Most of the relationships that impact our lives on a daily basis are covered here. Do keep in mind that some of these principles can be applied to relationships that have not been directly mentioned. As with the previous book, you can read the chapters that are relevant to you. However, I do recommend that you read the first two chapters before diving in to the others. These two chapters give you the foundations upon which the rest of the book rests. After that, select the chapters that you feel are most relevant to your life right now and go from there.

What can you expect from this journey? As with the previous book, I invite you to work with this book just as you would in person with a life coach. Coaching is a process that helps you go from where you are to where you truly want to be. It’s a process based on gentle inquiry and it’s designed to provide a safe, non-judgemental space where you, the client, can truly explore how to enhance a specific area of your life. Coaching does require some work – it is not a process that’s done to you. In fact, it’s a process that you fully engage with at every step. When you are coachable, you will discover things that you really love about yourself, and you will gain some personal insights about that which may challenge you as well. I trust that if you approach this book with an open mind, and with a willingness to coach yourself, you will make productive changes that stay with you for the long term. If you would like to know more about life coaching, please refer to the first chapter in my previous book, Discover the Best in You.

As you start to reflect and explore, imagine that I am present, sitting with you and asking you the questions. Imagine that you are working with me in the comfort of your own space, and at your own pace. Get yourself a coaching journal and keep track of all your work in this one place. This way you will be able to refer to your insights and map them across to different relationships. Take your time, and remember that the real outcome is growth, and creating the changes you want. There have been many times when clients will take time with a certain area, and that’s okay. There is no hurry, no judgement, and nothing to prove. You may want a relationship to change very quickly, but remember that changes can take time. Be honest, but compassionate with yourself as you navigate through this journey.

I hope that you will find this book useful for years to come. The natures of our relationships change as we go through various different stages of life. Keep coming back to these exercises in due course as you continue on your journey towards greater fulfilment. I wish you all the best on your journey.

Finally, I would like to draw your attention to the fact that the client’s stories mentioned in this book are real, but names have been changed to protect individual identities.

Sayeda Habib

Chicago, ILLINOIS.

USA

June 1, 2021

1.

What is a Relationship?

It is He who creates human beings from fluid, then makes them kin by blood and marriage: your Lord is all powerful.

Qur’an 25: 54

‘Verily one of the good deeds to be rewarded the fastest is reconciliation with one’s kin.’

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)

What is a relationship? This may sound like a very simple question, but start to answer it and it may become more complicated than you first thought. Let’s test this idea. Put pen to paper and fill in the following:

I think that a relationship is _____________________________

___________________________________________________

Use the statement above as your starting point. This is your general definition of what a relationship is. Now let’s build on this definition. Reflect on the impact that one of your relationships currently has on you. How do you feel as you think about this person? Does it feel good, or bad being in relationship with him or her? Our relationships impact our lives in the most profound ways, don’t they? Some of them may be full of joy, while others are incredibly difficult.

Our experiences within a certain relationship may shape our views about all of our relationships. We may do this without even realizing. Below is a list of some concepts that can be applied to relationships in general. Take a moment to reflect on the following, and choose whichever ones apply to you. Be frank and open with yourself; think about the variety of relationships in your life and then choose from the list below.

A relationship is:

•A bond you choose.

•Destined; not actively chosen.

•A connection with another that allows room for both to grow and be nurtured in one way or another.

•Riddled with obligations; things you have to do.

•Hard work.

•Full of compromise and giving in.

•An opportunity to experience joy and connection.

Now take a moment to write down what you believe are the three most important facets of any relationship.

In my opinion, the three most important characteristics of any relationship are:

__________________________________

__________________________________

__________________________________

You will have now gotten some conscious awareness of how you’re thinking about relationships in general. As you reflect, feel free to jot down any other important characteristics that come to mind. Each person will have his or her own definition of what a relationship is/ should be, because we have all been through unique experiences. Your relationships with parents, siblings, even your community will shape your view of how you think about relationships now.

As you embark on this journey to creating more fulfilling relationships, remind yourself that your attitude about your relationships will directly impact how fulfilled you feel within them. Even though it’s natural for most of us to experience one or two difficult relationships, if you think that relationships, in general, are hard work and full of compromise, they definitely will be. We cannot but manifest what we believe to be true. Whether you’re very positive, or feeling a little negatively about a certain relationship right now, take some time to work on the exercise below, as it will be your starting point for your work through this book. The exercise is designed to increase your own awareness of how you experience your relationships and it will provide you with valuable information that will guide you from here on out.

Exercise 1.1: Basic Relationship Audit: Exploring Your Motivation To Change…

The aim of this exercise is to support you in exploring your general view of relationships. This information will be invaluable, especially if most of your relationships are currently strained.

Method of the exercise: Take your journal, label the exercise, and answer the questions below:

Part A: General awareness:

1. On a scale from one to 10, How fulfilled am I in my relationships?

2. What do I see, feel, hear or experience that tells me that I am at this number?

3. How are my relationships impacting the quality of my life right now?

Part B: Specific awareness:

1. Which one relationship in my life is particularly challenging right now?

2. What will my life be like in the next 5–10 years, if this relationship stays the way it is now? Is this OK with me?

3. How will my life change if this relationship were to be better?

4. On a scale from 1–10, how willing am I now to work towards improving this relationship?

5. Am I willing to take action, even if the other person does not know or do anything different?

Note: Scales will always go from 1–10. One being the least, and ten being the most of the concept or criterion being discussed. So in this example, you would score ten if you are 100% motivated to improve this relationship.

The above exercise should have tested your motivation to change a specific relationship in your life. To be motivated means that one is ready to move and to take action towards a particular goal. Many times, we might tell ourselves that we really wish to change something, but we don’t do anything about it. This essentially means that we like the idea of it, but that goal isn’t really one of our top priorities. This probably sounds harsh, but I’m sure you yourself can look back and notice the things that you really took action on, and the ones you didn’t. The areas where you took action, and still do, are the current priorities. There may be other areas that you would like to improve, but they haven’t made it to the top of the list yet. There’s nothing wrong with this, it is just something to notice.

Life involves a lot of juggling most of the time. Often, we just let our relationships remain the way they are because we don’t have the time or the energy to invest into shifting them. This might be all right for the short term, but let’s remember that the quality of our lives does depend on the quality of our relationships. Think about that one relationship you just explored earlier. How do you feel each time you think about this person? How do these feelings impact your health, your state of mind, and your overall ability to be productive? If this relationship is an important one, then you might well find yourself suffering along with the relationship.

The above exercise asked you to look at how this challenging relationship will impact your life. If it is impacting your life now, chances are it will continue doing so if things don’t change. Ask yourself: "is it ok for me to keep suffering this way?" If you are now able to state that it’s not acceptable for things to stay this way, then you have the motivation to do something about it. Well done to you if you have now reached this point; this motivation will carry you through your journey.

Relationship defined

Each relationship in our life has its own unique meaning, obligations, and rewards. That being said, we will still aim to define what a relationship should be in general terms. The reason for a definition is to provide us with an overall context to work from. Once you begin to use this definition as an overall foundation, then you can choose to shape a definition for each specific relationship in your life as you work through this book.

In my first book Discover the Best in You we defined a relationship as A bond that is created when people choose to pay attention to, communicate with, or connect with someone else. (p. 110)

If you look at how we talk about relationships here, you will notice that we refer to it as a created bond. This definition will apply to all ties, including those that we have by birth. We may be tied to people by birth, but that doesn’t mean that we necessarily have a bond with them. We as Muslims know the importance of maintaining ties with blood relations so it brings us back to the very concept that we are referring to here – that all our relationships become relationships by choice. A relationship starts taking shape when we choose to connect with another human being with an aim or a goal. That goal could be companionship, sharing, working towards a business, or even creating a family together. Whatever the desired outcome, it’s that choice that keeps us working towards it.

So our more complete definition of what a relationship is goes as follows:

The bond that is created between people when they choose to connect with one another in order to achieve a common goal, or to enhance the potential in each other.

What’s the first thing that you reacted to in this statement? Was it that a relationship could be about enhancing potential, or that a relationship is a choice? The word relationship is so commonly used that we don’t really reflect on whether they are by choice or not. It has become a generic word for all our ties. However, I now invite you to use it differently. Take pen to paper, and make two columns. Label one column as Ties I’m nurturing. Label the other as Ties that are suffering/ not being nurtured. List those connections that you are currently nurturing (and enjoying) as relationships. Next, use the second column to list the relationships that are suffering, or being neglected.

Any relationship that’s suffering hardly feels like a choice, and it can cloud how we experience all our other relationships, where no relationship feels like a choice. You are justified in feeling this way. A relationship that is suffering will not feel like a choice. As painful as it is, think about it as a connection of birth or circumstance right now, but keep the intention that you will work towards transforming it into a fulfilling relationship.

It may seem like a lot of work to transform a relationship, and it may well be. But remember, leaving it as it is will have a negative impact on your life in the long run. Maintain the hope that things will get better and indeed this will be a fulfilling journey. You may well experience the transformation of this relationship. How is that possible? By transforming your own thought and behaviour: the chapters in this book are aimed at supporting you in doing just that, insha’ Allah.

Setting the foundation for fulfilling relationships

How might we improve a suffering relationship? We have talked about any relationship being a connection of choice, but it is important to remember that each tie will have its own unique requirements. However, there are some general principles pertaining to all ties and relationships as a whole. When we apply these principles, they can help us enhance how we experience all our connections. These principles may also support us, as individuals, to feel more fulfilled within. Think of these principles as setting a foundation for each relationship that’s already in our life, or yet to come. Understand each principle so that it becomes easier to understand and apply it. Of course, you can choose the ones you wish to apply (or not). Note that these are general principles that will apply to most of our relationships. At times, there may be exceptions where a person may be suffering in an abusive relationship, or in a relationship with someone suffering from mental illness. These principles may not apply then. The idea here is to use these principles as a general guideline that will help us to shift our paradigm so we can enhance our relationships. That being said, now let’s look at what they are:

1. Each human being does his or her best given the circumstances

You know you are giving things your best shot, remember that the other person is doing the same. He or she is working with the resources they have and doing the best they can.

Example: Your spouse has become unemployed. He or she is at home practically all the time. It seems that s/he isn’t doing much to change the situation. Remember that it may appear like this on the outside, but consider the idea that this person is doing their very best, given the challenges that they have been dealt.

2. Each human being has the same inherent need for being loved, cherished and respected

As you appreciate being shown respect or love, the other person does too. Give it wholeheartedly before you expect to receive it.

Tip: Let’s say that someone in your life is being disrespectful to you. Put yourself in their shoes for a while and try to figure out what love or respect means to them. Go ahead and aim to be this way, for a while, and see if something begins to