Groping for Support: When Death Strikes Far Away

Copyright © 2022 Rev. Dr. Joseph M. Kimatu.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

844-714-3454

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-6642-7917-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-7916-2 (e)

WestBow Press rev. date: 10/12/2022

Unless otherwise noted, scripture quotations are from New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright © 1989 National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture quotations marked (NIV) taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version® NIV®

Copyright © 1973 1978 1984 2011 by Biblica, Inc. TM

Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture quotations marked (NEB) taken from the New English Bible, copyright © Cambridge University Press and Oxford University Press 1961, 1970. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (ESV) are from The ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Preface

Chapter 1 The Unfortunate Many

Chapter 2 Honoring the Dead

Chapter 3 What Follows Death

Chapter 4 Death, Theology, and the Church

Chapter 5 Some Helpful Sources

Chapter 6 Culture and Christianity Clash

Chapter 7 A Description of the Project

Conclusion

Bibliography

Appendices

Appendix 1

Appendix 2

Appendix 3

Dedication

I dedicate this book to the thousands of God’s children, young and old who suffer and grieve in isolation and silence, because they do not have a chance to witness the burial of their loved ones. The distance and immigration have been a real impediment. Thanks to those who reach out for their Groping Hands and offer support.

My dear Mama

I will live to remember your love,

I will never forget how you brought me up.

You cared for me and supplied my needs,

you represented God to me.

Forgive me for not being there, to say my final goodbye to you.

Forgive me for not being there,

when they lowered you into your final resting home.

If I had wings, I could fly,

but I am sure you will understand me mama.

Someday I’ll see you,

someday soon I’ll join you,

This time we will never separate again,

I love you, Mama.

Acknowledgments

This book would not have been a success without the support of many people and institutions through the course of the past several years. A few paragraphs are not enough for me to express my gratitude to all those involved, but I will do the best I can to thank all of them. If perchance I miss out on anyone, it is not by intention.

First and foremost, I would like to thank my family. To my wife, Jane, I say a big thank you. Her encouragement, her input and painstaking patience to sit with me for long hours far into the night deserve unreserved commendation. No one else could have done this for me.

I would also like to thank her for the extra hard work she did to keep our children healthy and strong especially towards the final stages of writing this book. Not one of our children complained. You made them understand the process. On top of it all, you made them desire to see the work completed. Thank you, Dominic, Marylily and Silvia my wonderful children, your support, love and understanding kept me going even when fatigue threatened to take the better of me.

Much gratitude goes to my mentor and advisor, the Rev. Dr. John Webster and his loving wife, Penny. Thank you, my reviewers for your guidance, direction and support; you carefully read and wrote detailed comments on my drafts. This substantially contributed to the fine-tuning of this project.

You also shaped the direction that opened a completely new dimension of giving care to people living in two different worlds. For all your contributions, I am grateful beyond what words can express. I highly appreciate your encouragement and for sure I am indebted.

Special thanks go to Rev. Dr. Melton Loyd of Erskine Theological Seminary, Due West, South Carolina, for helping and supervising me through the writing of my Dissertation, Mourning without the Body: Pastoral Care and Support to those Mourning in Isolation. This book is a product of the Dissertation approved towards my achieving a doctoral degree. Thank you for your good work. I am very proud of you.

I would also like to thank the congregations at Tumaini Community Church, Imani Presbyterian Church, Ushindi Presbyterian and my former congregation, First Presbyterian Church in Atlanta, and the Presbyterian Church USA in general, for supporting me materially, spiritually, and morally throughout my course of study and hence facilitating the compilation of this book.

Special thanks go to the former executive presbyter of my immediate former presbytery, the Presbytery of Southern New England, The Reverend Dana Lindsley. You stood with me during the final laps of compiling this work. I cannot stop before thanking The Rev. Dr. George Worth and Rev. Connie Lee of First Presbyterian Church in Atlanta who were very helpful in many ways during my entire graduate studies.

To both of you and several others at FPC, receive my special thanks. I am also very thankful to Dr. Melva Costen, my former advisor at the Interdenominational Theological Center in Atlanta, and Dr. Carolyn McCrary for inspiring, urging me on and encouraging me to take on this task.

The three friends and close confidants who assisted me in picking a group of eight members who worked with me in the process are highly appreciated and I thank them for their discernment. On the same note, I would like to thank the group of eight who willingly and voluntarily worked with me and with each other and participated fully in making this project possible. Without their zeal, effort and contribution, this book would not have seen the light of the day.

To all others who have not been mentioned, I am deeply indebted for your prayers and encouragement, surely you wished me well. Receive special thanks from the bottom of my heart for the valuable part you played in making this venture a success.

Preface

This book is a result of a project that the pastor (the author himself) mutually carried out with a group of some church members who had suffered losses of loved ones and they were not able to be there when they died and what followed after that.

The project proper involved eight members of a church and their pastor who facilitated the process. The group met on six occasions and went through a series of activities. The group members and the pastor had one thing in common. Each had lost a member or members of their family and were not able to be present to see the body/bodies or participate in the funeral and burial processes.

The group met and went through sharing and discussion sessions. The group performed some rituals and observed moments of high emotional outbursts. At last, a sample list of some ways to assist those in similar circumstances was compiled and a desire to form support groups after undergoing training was expressed.

A major part of the book comprises a lengthy explanation of the understanding of death, funeral, and burial process within the Kikuyu group of peoples. Included also is a chapter on the main resources used. Another chapter contains a discussion on the best way to approach the project. A chapter on the theological rationale for the project is included and finally an evaluation section concludes this work.

My hope is that this book will help in the process and bring better results to pastors and other religious leaders. It will be a useful tool to help those of their members who mourn and grieve without the body and in isolation from the rest of their close family members. The reason being because, they are either undocumented immigrants or immigrants who have lost their statuses.

They have lost the capacity to travel back to their country, but one thing is for sure, they have not lost the capacity to grieve and mourn. They are human just like anyone else. When calamity comes to their shores, especially when their loved ones die abroad, they deserve support. Sometimes it is not forth coming or is not enough, so they are left groping for it, hence the title of this book, Groping for Support. The title of this book alludes to that very fact.

1

The Unfortunate Many

A group of eight people was involved in carrying out the project. The group met for five sessions after the initial brainstorming and planning meeting. Those involved shared their responses and gave feedback to others’ responses on an already agreed to questionnaire. They also participated in several rituals.

At the end of the process, they did an evaluation of its importance and value. The group was so inspired that a desire to further get equipped and to form some new grief support groups was expressed. To be of immediate help to others, the group came up with a to do list that can be used to help people in grief situations.

The author also contacted and interviewed some pastors who are in active ministry in their congregations. Out of the several who were interviewed, only one had a system in place to deal with crisis of loss for those who were unable to travel to see their loved ones buried.

The exceptional pastor did not have a structured method of dealing with the problem, but at least he was willing to fill out and return the questionnaire sent out to all to fill. All the other pastors shied away from writing anything on paper and getting back to the author.

I talked with them, some face to face and others on other media. While talking with them, I detected I could have assumed too much. The majority were reluctant because they were afraid of their lack of adequacy in handling situations where their members cry out, I need some support would be apparent.

Two of the pastors were honest enough to say, "They felt it safe leaving it to the family and friends to handle it although they admitted not promoting the same. A few said they had other more pressing problems and issues on their ministerial plate.

Two of the pastors lead multi-racial congregations. They reasoned that each of the racial/community group was left to do it in its own way. Since each did something unique when a death happens, they reasoned that letting the group free to do what they knew best would be a good way of dealing with its particular loss.

This felt to me like shirking responsibility if not spreading it around in an uncontrolled manner. I am of the assumption that we should not leave things to chance. As pastors we should be more involved. Death is a serious matter. After all, are we not risk takers?

To the above I would say, grief is grief regardless of who