Manskills: How to Avoid Embarrassing Yourself and Impress Everyone Else

MANSKILLS

How to

Avoid Embarrassing Yourself

AND Impress Everyone Else

Table of Contents

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER No 1: Shelter Savvy

The Tool Whisperer

Crisis Resolution

Technical Expertise

CHAPTER No 2: Wild Ways

Survivalist

The Predator

Taming the Urban Wild

CHAPTER No 3: Social Graces

Looking Good

Dining and Drinking with Style

The Social Creature

Official Business

CHAPTER No 4: Vehicular Savvy

Car Coddling

Driving Ambition

CHAPTER No 5: Emergency!

Saving Grace

Managing Chaos

Fine First Aid

CHAPTER No 6: Epicurean Expertise

Imbibe with Flair

Now You’re Cooking

Puff Perfect

CHAPTER No 7: Romantic Prowess

Ways to Woo

INDEX

MAN. THE NOBLE ANIMAL. WELL, KIND OF. MEN HAVE thumbs and we walk upright, which helps us stand out in the animal kingdom. But it’s these things we can do, our own unique skills that make us special. Not just any skills. Certain skills define a man, make him the pride of his pride, the envy of others, the . . . well you get the picture.

We call those particular skills Manskills, and they are captured handily and succinctly in this book.

These are the proficiencies that all great males must have. If there were an SAT for manhood, these would be on it. They lie beyond the simple tricks and stunts that sometimes pass for manliness: burping the alphabet, burning rubber from a dead stop, deciphering box scores. Sure, all those are very useful. Very useful.

But if you want to be a real man, admired by peers, desired by women, and generally carried on the shoulders of the world, you must master Manskills. Like Luke mastered Jedi mind tricks. Just like that.

Many of these may already be second nature to you. As king of your own little castle, you may have already mastered the plumbing arts and know everything there is to know about how to unstick a door without the aid of small explosives. You may be a pro behind the wheel, able to slip away from that black sedan that has been tailing you like so much smoke in the wind.

But Manskills is about the total picture, the total man. It’s about everything you should know to be a complete and thoroughly alpha male. And why would you ever want to be anything but the complete man. After all, you wouldn’t go out of the house with half a shirt on, would you? Okay, maybe you would, but the point is that you should never sally forth as anything but a fully, 100-percent skilled hombre.

You see, the man who has mastered ManSkills has mastered his own fate, owns his destiny. He is the man of the beer commercial and the Arrow Shirt ad. He is confident, and a winner, and in control. He is the prince among lesser men, the captain of the ship, the . . . well you get the picture.

So the question is not whether you master ManSkills. No. That is not the question. The question is: What the heck are you waiting for, Bumble?

We’ve set you up, put all the skills in neat little categories, thrown in some instructive illustrations, and covered all the bases. Now, dear friend, it’s up to you. Time to turn the page, learn the skills, and claim the badge of manskillfulness!

CHAPTER No 1

Shelter Savvy

FIRST THERE WAS THE CAVE. BUT THE CAVE LEAKED, and there was graffiti on the walls, and the plumbing sucked, and there was no door to hide behind so the sabertooth tiger used the cave as his personal pantry.

So man invented rudimentary tools, and then there was the hut. The hut was nice, but the roof leaked, the placed smelled of mud and decay, mice nested in the walls, and the dirt floor was, well, dirt. Woman complained until man couldn’t take it anymore.

So then there was the house. Solid roof, nice wood floor, and no sabertooth tigers. One bronze age, one Iron Age and one industrial revolution later and, ta da, lots of tools for the house. Given that the great law of houses is that, left to their own devices, they crumble, there are many uses for the tools. And then there are new tools. And more uses. It’s a wonderful hardware store-sponsored circle of life. All of which is why, as part of a complete repertoire of Manskills, you must master both the tools and techniques that will keep the house together.

Luckily, this is often fun. It’s the jaded man who doesn’t enjoy an afternoon spent destroying a hard surface with a jackhammer. And few feelings can rival the satisfaction of a perfectly straight painted line that exactly separates trim from wall. And that’s to say nothing of simple self-preservation of quieting that running toilet that is messing with your sleep. Yes, there are many rewards to mastering the plentitude of home skills.

Should you ever grow weary of exercising those skills, the raw mechanical abilities it takes to make your home a castle, just think what it would be like to battle sabertooth tigers when mowing the lawn. Things could be much, much worse, chum.

The Tool Whisperer

Stop a Handsaw from Binding

The most basic of Manskills is handling a handsaw. It starts with knowing which kind of saw you should use, rip or crosscut. Pretty simple really: if you need to cut across the grain you use—wait for it—a crosscut saw. If you’re cutting parallel to the grain, use a ripsaw. Regardless of which type you’re using, both can bind when the kerf (the gap of your cutline) closes down, cinching the blade. It’s a frustrating experience and it can lead to sawing off line (not to mention a whole lot of words the kids shouldn’t be hearing).

Prevent binding by keeping saws sharp and in good condition. When sawing, use a spacer such as a thin piece of scrap, an awl, or a nail to keep the kerf open. Just stick the spacer in the kerf behind the saw, as you saw along the cut line.

Remove a Stripped Screw

A stripped screw has to rank in the top three among the all-time great frustrations of any do-it-yourselfer. Getting that bothersome fastener out of its hole is like a lot of life: you can do it the easy way or the hard way. If the screw is just slightly stripped, stop before you do any further damage and use the easy way. Press a piece of rubber gasket or a rubber band down over the screw head, and then press down hard with the screwdriver, jamming the blade into what’s left of the screw-head channels. The rubber often creates enough tension in the stripped head to hold onto the blade of the screwdriver so that the screw can be slowly removed.

However, if you’ve let your frustration get the better of you and you really stripped that sucker out, time to do things the hard way. Buy a screw extractor (or better yet, a set) of the smallest size that comes closest to matching the screw size. Drill a pilot hole in the center of the stripped screw head using a bit that is at least a size smaller than the screw. Now use a hammer to tap the point of the extractor into the pilot hole. Attach the T handle onto the square shank of the extractor (or use vise grip pliers if your forgot to buy the T handle) and start slowly turning the extractor counterclockwise. With a little bit of patience, you’ll have an empty screw hole in no time.

If it’s the screw hole that stripped, you’ll need a slightly different solution. Basically, you want to create friction where there is none. Wrap the screw in unstripped electrical wire (speaker wire will work as well) counterclockwise. Then screw it in slowly and the threads should bite securely into the surrounding surface.

Handle a Jackhammer

When your driveway starts looking like one of Baghdad’s back roads, it needs replacing. You could do your time on the chain gang working the surface over with a sledgehammer and pick, but there’s a better way. A situation like this is the perfect excuse to grab ahold of the ultimate macho tool—the jackhammer. Professionals use an air-powered model that requires a separate compressor. But you’re not relocating a highway off-ramp; an electric model will supply all the breaking power you need for any surface you’re likely to encounter around the house. For most jobs, you’ll want a pointed or sharp spade bit. Use the thickest, shortest extension cord that provides adequate amps while still reaching everywhere you need to go. You’ll also need to suit up. Jackhammering up a concrete slab is no job to skimp on safety gear. Wear boots, heavy gloves, thick pants, ear protection and a dust mask. Then go to town.

Hold the jackhammer at a slight angle leaning it against your upper thighs. Be patient and let the tool do the work; there’s no need to push down on it. As you crack through the slab at a given point, lever under that section to lift it up a bit, making it easier to remove. Once you’ve broken up an area about a yard square, stop and remove the debris. (This gives both the tool and your body a chance to recuperate a little. You’re not as young as you used to be.) Cut any rebar or mesh you encounter with a grinder or torch. Just make sure you stop at the slab that needs breaking up; jockeying that cement-smashing pogo stick can be addictive, and you just might find yourself thinking about how good a brand new sidewalk would look.

Replace a String Trimmer Spool

Nothing like getting ready to put the finishing touches on your newly mown lawn only to discover your power trimmer is out of cord. Time to reload that puppy and keep your grassy edges looking sharp.

Whenever you work on a power trimmer, make sure it’s unplugged or that the spark plug wire on a gas model is disconnected; you still want to be able to count to ten after you’re all done. Trimmers tend to be unwieldy, so replacing the spool will go a lot quicker if you work on a large flat surface (the garage floor will do if you don’t have free space on your worktable). Some trimmers require that you replace the line with bulk cord, in which case just insert one end of the line through the spool’s hole and hold it as you pull the rest of the line through the slot and wind the line in the direction of the arrow on the spool.

Higher-end models generally use replacement spools. Always check your manual; these instructions are for a Black-and-Decker model and yours might be slightly different. Press the release tabs on the spool hub cover and pull it off. Lift the spool out from the hub and clear any line or debris. Insert the end of the line on the new spool into the eyelet in the hub and pull the line through the hole, maintaining tension as you drop the new spool into place in the hub. The notched side should be exposed. Gently press the spool down and rotate it until you feel it drop into position. It should still be able to turn slightly to the left and right. Replace the hub cover and test on a patch of unruly grass to make sure you got it all right.

Use a Torque Wrench

The torque wrench is the forgotten soldier in the home craftsman’s toolbox. Overtightening is one of the most common mistakes of the DIY guy changing his oil or cranking a new blade onto his edger. But this handy gadget is the cure for that disease, and it can spare you the frustration that accompanies a stripped bolt.

Do yourself a favor when buying a torque wrench and go for the more expensive ratchet style, rather than the simpler and less accurate needle-gauge type. Using the thing is pretty simple. Set the torque pounds on the wrench according to the recommendations of the car or tool manufacturer, and slowly tighten the nut. When you hit the target torque, the wrench will click or feel like it is slipping.

If you absolutely must go with a needle-gauge type, tighten the bolt steadily and slowly, until the needle pegs the number corresponding to the correct torque.

Crisis Resolution

Stop a Toilet From Running

A toilet that won’t stop running is a small thing that can become a big irritation in a quiet house. Turn off the waterworks by fixing the flapper valve that covers the drain hole in the bottom of your toilet tank. The running in the toilet is water flowing past the valve when it fails to completely close. This is usually caused by a blocked valve seat or a pull chain that is too short.

If you can’t fix the problem by cleaning the valve seat or adjusting the chain, it’s time for a new flapper valve. Replacements are available at hardware stores and are easy to install. First, turn off the water supply to the toilet at the shutoff valve. Remove the old valve by disconnecting the pull chain (note where on the length of chain the valve is hooked) and pulling it off the fill-tube mounting ears. Slip the new valve’s tabs onto the ears and reconnect the chain. Then rest in peace.

Remove a Rusted Bolt

That engine block bolt won’t come loose, so it’s time to show it who’s boss (and it ain’t the bolt). Yeah, you could spray a penetrating product into the threads and wait around a few hours, but where’s the fun in that? Turn to real-man remedies instead.

Heat the bolt with a small torch to expand the metal and break the rust bonds. Some brave souls hold a candle near the head so that the melted wax makes its way down