Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be A-Holes: Unfiltered Advice on How to Raise Awesome Kids

Dedicated to Zoey and Holden,

who make me feel like I must be doing something right

Copyright © 2021 by Karen Alpert

Illustrations copyright © 2021 by Neil Swaab

All rights reserved

For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to [email protected] or to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 3 Park Avenue, 19th Floor, New York, New York 10016.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Alpert, Karen (Blogger), author.

Title: Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be a-holes / Karen Alpert.

Other titles: Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be assholes

Description: New York, New York :

Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, [2021]

Identifiers: LCCN 2020039328 (print) | LCCN 2020039329 (ebook) | ISBN 9780358346272 (hardback) | ISBN 9780358449799 | ISBN 9780358449850 | ISBN 9780358346265 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Child rearing. | Parenting. | Socialization.

Classification: LCC HQ769 .A488 2021 (print) | LCC HQ769 (ebook) | DDC 649/.1—dc23

Cover design and illustrations by Neil Swaab

All photographs courtesy of the author

v1.0421

Introduction

When babies are born they’re basically a-holes, right? They cry and get what they want. They wake you up in the middle of the night and get what they want. They demand food immediately and if they don’t get it right away, they just keep screaming until they do. They poop on people. They vomit on people. They pull hair. They grab your boobs without asking. Etc. etc. etc. And even though it’s a-hole behavior, it’s kind of adorable and acceptable because they’re cute little babies.

And then when they turn into toddlers, that stuff starts to get a little annoying. Like when an itty-bitty newborn screams and cries for milk, you’re like, Awwww, are you a thirsty little baby? But when a toddler wants a cheese stick and they’re a messy pile of snot and tears because you didn’t walk to the refrigerator fast enough, you’re like, Calm the F down, it’s coming. That’s right, not as cute.

Now imagine a grownup doing all this stuff. Throwing a tantrum in the middle of the conference room because some intern didn’t wheel in the lunch order on time. Or having a complete meltdown because someone cut in line at Bed Bath & Beyond. Or going berserk on an airplane because they’re sick and tired of sitting in a cramped seat. Yup, when grownups do stuff like this, we hear about them on the evening news. A-holes, right?

So basically, as parents, we have 18 years to turn our kids into well-adjusted, kind, awesome, rule-abiding human beings by squeezing all the a-holiness out of them. And unfortunately, no one’s invented an a-hole juicing machine yet (ewww, they would definitely have to name it something different). So until someone invents that (come onnnn, Shark Tank), it’s up to us to help our kiddos grow up to be non a-holes.

This book shows just a few of the ways I’m attempting to squeeze the a-holiness out of my children before they fly the coop. It seems to be working so far. Usually. Sometimes. Like last Sunday, from 2:47 to 2:53 pm, my kids were well-behaved angels. So I recorded every minute of their angelic behavior and posted it on Instagram and claimed they act like this all the time. Just kidding. But seriously, all kids act like douchenuggets because they’re still learning what’s okay and what’s not. The way I see it, kids who act douchey are douchenuggets, but adults who act douchey are douchebags. Side note: If you’re offended by my language, stop reading now. This is not the book for you. Put it down, back away, or feel free to host one of those big bonfire book-burning parties (say that ten times quickly!) and tell all your sensitive friends to buy my book too and you guys can all burn it together. I’ll make money, you’ll warm your toesies, and we’ll all be hunky-dory.

Okay, so have all the prudes left the building? Then hells yeah, let’s get down to F’ing business. So WTF was I saying? Oh yeahhh, how do we stop our douchenuggets from growing up to be douchebags? Are you ready for the magic answer? Drum roll please. Badadadadadadada . . . I have no idea. I know what you’re thinking. WHAT?!! I just spent $15 on this book! ($0 if you were brilliant and checked it out at the library and are willing to hold a book that other people have held while they’re pooping.)

But here’s the thing. None of us really know WTF we’re doing. That mom who rolled her eyes at you because you let your kid wear pajamas in public? She doesn’t know what she’s doing. That crunchy expert who claims to know how to convince all kids to eat organic raw vegetables covered in flaxseed? She doesn’t know what she’s doing. That mom who lives across the street in that giant McMansion whose perfectly-coiffed kiddos are always wearing matchy-matchy Lilly Pulitzer dresses? She doesn’t know what she’s doing. I mean, they all act like they know what they’re doing, but I guarantee there’s been a time or two that they’ve all broken down in tears and curled up at the bottom of their closet in the fetal position around a bottle of vodka or a chocolate candy bar or a flaxseed vegan nut wafer (I just made that up). But seriously, NONE of us REALLY know WTF we’re doing because there’s no magic answer or instruction manual when it comes to parenting. And kids are like snowflakes—every one is different. Of course, kids these days are like snowflakes in other ways too, but I’ll get to that later. So anyways (yes, I purposely use fake words sometimes because it helps my mistakes blend in like I did them on purpose), if I don’t know all the magic answers, who am I to write a book about it?

I’m just your average mom.

I’m the mom who yells too much when my kids won’t get their shoes on. I’m the mom who forgets to order the birthday cake until the day of the party. I’m the mom who has a stack of Girl Scout patches in the junk drawer because I’m too lazy to attach them to my daughter’s vest. But guess what I’ve realized? That’s not the shit that makes you a good parent. Being a good parent is all about one thing: raising your kids to be kind, happy, self-sufficient human beings. I know, barf me out the door, it sounds so hokey and lame, but it’s true. And I think my parenting philosophies are working. Kinda. Sorta. Well, except for on the days they’re not working and my kids are acting like jerkwads and I second-guess everything I’m doing. But on the whole, my kids seem to be getting less and less douchey every year. It could be dumb luck, but mayyyybe the things I’m doing are turning them into decent humans.

Like how I taught both of my kids how to use a washing machine before they were tall enough to reach the buttons. And how I let them wear pretty much anything they want as long as they’re not gonna freeze, burn, or look like an exhibitionist. And how I actually want them to lose some of their soccer games. And how I teach them to be extra nice to bullies. And how the same way I schedule after-school activities, I also schedule nothing-to-do time. Oh crap, I just told you this whole book in one paragraph. Okay, well, that was the synopsis, but maybe you want a little more explanation, so if you do, keep reading. If you don’t, hopefully you’ve already walked out of the bookstore and lost your receipt and can’t return this book now.

Bottom line, this isn’t your average parenting advice book that’s preachy or scientific or gonna tell you what to do. I didn’t go to psychology school or get a master’s in anything. The only letters I have after my name are M.O.M. But I have something much more important that proves I can write a parenting book. A nine-year-old daughter who’s a picky eater and ridiculously dramatic but who’s turning out to be pretty damn awesome, and a seven-year-old son who eats with his mouth open and can burp the alphabet, but who’s also sensitive, caring, and hard-working. I mean, maybe they’ll both grow up to be drug-dealing serial killers (if they do, come ask me for a refund), but I don’t think so.

And honestly, feel free to ignore parts/most/all of this book if you don’t agree with what I’m saying. I don’t give a shit. I’m just a regular mom sitting here in my fat pants on the couch typing this (total lie, I’m actually sitting in my yoga pants outside of the Apple store while they’re fixing my iPhone but that sounds way too cliché so I changed it), and some of what I say might be good for you and your family, but some of it might not be. I’m NOT here to give you advice. I’m just here to tell you how I handle stuff and maybe it’ll help you or maybe it won’t. I’m basically the opposite of that lady who rolls her eyes at you because you wore pajama pants to school drop-off because you didn’t have time to get dressed. Or pajama pants to school pickup because you inhaled a whole bag of Doritos and now they’re the only things that fit.

But no matter what you wear to school—pajamas, Lululemon, Gucci, spit-up, no bra, the shirt you wore yesterday—aren’t we all just trying to do the same thing? Trying not to F up our kids too much, putting a little aside for therapy just in case, and hopefully turning our kids into decent human beings, aka NOT a-holes.

CHAPTER 1

You Are Not Your Kiddo’s Servant

Okay, so imagine this. You get to live somewhere for free, and the fridge is always stocked with awesome shit, and there’s a pantry full of your favorite snacks that magically reappear every week, and the utility bills are all paid for, and someone does the dishes and washes your clothes and will even wash your favorite t-shirt quickly if it’s in your hamper and you want to wear it that very day. In fact, you can get someone to wipe your butt for you if you ask really nicely—or if you scream at the top of your lungs for long enough. This is what it’s like when you’re a kid.

And then imagine this. One day someone gently wakes you up in the morning and says they have some exciting news. Surprise, you’re a grownup now! Get the F out of this house and go take care of yourself!! And you’re like, Wha-WHAT?!! But wait, what is this big white box that has buttons on it that say hot, warm, cold, and delicates? And why isn’t anyone pouring me my Sugary Boogery O’s for breakfast? And who’s gonna wipe my tushie? Mom? Mom?! MOMMMMM?!!! And everyone in the dorm is like, STFU and wipe your own butt. Because your mommy isn’t there anymore. And unfortunately, she didn’t teach you jack when you were living with her, so basically now you’re screwed.

The way I see it, parents have 18 years to teach their kids how to take care of themselves or they’ll come back home and crash in their basement for the rest of their lives. Although I always wonder why adults who move back home always live in the basement. Hellllooo, why wouldn’t you just move into your old room? Oh, is it because you want a little more privacy? Tough. You move back in, you’re sleeping in a twin bed loaded with stuffed animals and Paw Patrol sheets.

HOLDEN: Mom, can I have some milk?

ME:

HOLDEN: Mom, can I PLEASE have some milk?

ME:

HOLDEN: Mom, MAY I please have some milk?

ME:

HOLDEN: Ugggh, what am I doing wrong?

ME: You’re not getting up and walking to the fridge to get some milk.

FIFTY BASIC THINGS TO TEACH YOUR KIDS BEFORE THEY FLY THE COOP

Here’s the bad news. This list is gonna seem daunting. Here’s the good news. You literally have 18 years to complete it. Like you can just do three of these things a year and you’ll still get it all done earlier than you need to. And really, all you have to do to complete it is keep going about life the way you always do but make sure your kiddos put their iPads down once in a while and watch you so they’ll learn it all by osmosis. So here goes. Fifty basic things to teach your douchenuggets so they won’t turn into incompetent adults:

How to make pasta

How to rinse out the sink before the toothpaste hardens

How to hang a picture straight

How to hang a group of pictures so it doesn’t matter if they’re perfectly straight

How a credit card works and what happens if you don’t pay it off on time

How to ask for a raise when you deserve it. And how to know when you don’t deserve it yet.

How to apologize when you’re wrong

How to apologize when you were NOT wrong but it’s not worth dragging out the fight

How to flip the couch cushions occasionally

How to save money for a rainy day

How to save money for something you really want

How to put up a curtain rod so you don’t have to crouch down every time you’re naked and walking past your windows

How to replace the toilet paper when it runs out

How to unwrap the package of toilet paper before you put it under the sink

How to clean the shower, the sink, the toilet, the countertop, the stove, the oven, the microwave, the floors, the ceilings, and everything in between

How to shovel the snow before it turns into ice

How to spackle and fix a nail hole in the wall

How to clean up a spill before it gets worse

How to repeat someone’s name when you meet them so you’re more likely to remember it

How to politely ask someone’s name again if you forget it

How to turn off the lights when you leave a room

How to write a thank-you note

How to clean up when houseguests are coming over

How to straighten up when friends are coming over

How to make grilled cheese in the pan, not just the toaster

How to tip waiters, bartenders, hairdressers, bellhops, skycaps, shuttle drivers, the pizza delivery guy, housekeepers, movers, and anyone else who basically makes a living off people’s generosity

How to do the laundry

How to put in an entire load of laundry even when you only have one thing you want to wash

How to recycle

How to vote

How to shut your mouth and not complain if you didn’t vote

How to volunteer

How to send your food back nicely in a restaurant if it didn’t come out right

How to make a cup of coffee so you don’t have to put on clothes, walk to the store, and shell out three bucks every time you need some caffeine

How to exercise even when you don’t feel like it

How to be extra generous around the holidays, especially to the people who make a difference in your life every day