Guidance from The Therapist Parent

Guidance

from

The Therapist Parent

This book offers explanations, proven strategies, and playful activities that children respond to.

Planetary Press and Publishing Pty Ltd Fennell Bay, NSW, 2283 Australia

First published by Planetary Press and Publishing 2023 Copyright © Krysten Taprell - The Therapist Parent

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the publisher of this book.

Cover design and Illustrations© Natalie Herington 2023 Natalie Herington -Bird Valley Illustration & Design Artwork Illustrations © Krysten Taprell 2023

Krysten Taprell - The Therapist Parent Printed in Australia

ISBN: 978-0-6459044-0-6 (Soft Cover) ISBN: 978-0-6459044-1-3 (EBook)

www.planetarypp.com.au

Dedication

I want to dedicate this book to every child I have ever worked with, cared for or has been in my life. You are my greatest teachers and the ones who caused me to change my thinking and develop myself. I am still inspired every day to continue learning more because of the influence of these beautiful children.

I also want to acknowledge my husband and children for taking this journey with me. Your support and acceptance of me through the crazy life we lead is truly appreciated. Who knows where life will take us next? As long as we do it together, I'm in. Love you always and forever.

About the Author

Krysten is a psychologist who has worked with children and families for over 20 years. She has extensive experience working with people with Autism, including being involved in diagnostic testing.

Having worked within schools, private practices, and government agencies in rural Australia, Krysten felt that the long waiting lists and lack of services often left parents without information and ideas to help their children. In response, she has created a range of innovative methods, advice, a children's book, and therapeutic toys to help bring proven strategies to fill this gap. These are featured on her website and shared via her social media channels. This book conveniently compiles this guidance and Krysten’s proven techniques in an immediately practical package, ready for parents to apply to their child’s needs.

What I Have Learned

I want to lay all my cards on the table and be completely transparent. I don’t profess to be a ‘parenting expert.’ What I am is experienced. I have had good and bad experiences. I have learned great things, but I have also made great mistakes, which I have also learned from.

I became a psychologist in the year 2000. As with everything in the last twenty-odd years, there have been a lot of changes to psychological practice. Early on, I embraced conventional ‘wisdom,’ emphasising firmness, consistency, and consequences. We were very rules-based, with lots of time-outs and ‘thinking chairs’ for behaviour modification. The Supernanny became a big hit with her ‘naughty spot.’ However, it wasn’t until I became a parent myself that I truly grasped the complexities of raising children.

Early in our marriage, my husband became involved in caring for children. I foolishly believed that this and my experience as a young psychologist would have prepared us for having our own family. How wrong I was! I had a lot of theory- based knowledge but no practical experience of what trauma-induced behaviour looked like.

I had seen children in my office for years but never in my home, which had always been a safe place away from work. Parenting is simple in an office when you only have to see that child for an hour a fortnight. Parenting when you have been up four times in the night, driven children to all their activities, tried to manage kids fighting and meltdowns, washed mountains of laundry, and still gone to work is hard! The real-world challenges of parenting reshaped my perspective.

There are so many things I would do differently if I had my time again.

In retrospect, I’ve come to understand that strict reward and punishment methods yield limited results. This parenting style just doesn’t work holistically. If I could take away all the times we punished these kids for the behaviours we experienced, I would in a heartbeat. Making a kid feel worse by punishing them for their behaviour simply doesn’t work. It often exacerbates the issue. Let’s face it: nobody will improve their behaviour if they constantly feel ‘in trouble.

We were taught to give consequence after consequence and believed we were doing the ‘right’ thing. However, this approach strained our relationships and blurred the lines between discipline and punishment. Now we understand that discipline guides and directs, while punishment only damages a child’s view of themselves. I now know that you can’t expect positive change with a child if there is no connection in the relationship, and I appreciate that nurturing a caring, empathetic bond with a child is paramount.

So, Here Is What I Have Learned:

Connection Is Key: While 'connected parenting' or 'gentle parenting' has gained attention today, it was often overlooked in the past. We understood the importance of mother-baby attachment but didn't delve into the parent-child connection beyond infancy.

In essence, connection means fostering a caring, trusting, and empathetic relationship, which can be challenging. Recognising that children use behaviour to express needs, even if not in ways adults prefer, is vital. Empathising with children and addressing their needs strengthens the parent-child bond.

Our expectations of children often exceed those we have for ourselves. Imagine working in an environment where you constantly feel in trouble, isolated (in time- out), and unheard – would you stay or feel motivated to improve? Instead of punishment, fostering a genuine connection motivates children to listen and grow rather than feel shame or fear.

Communicate on Their Level: While we recognise developmental milestones like crawling, walking, and talking, we often overlook the development of communication skills. Communication involves not just words but also expressing thoughts and feelings and understanding others' emotions. It's unrealistic to expect children to excel at this.

When children react emotionally to being told No, I often hear parents say, That behaviour is not appropriate. To a three-year-old! Children of this age are not able to understand ‘appropriate behaviour,’ nor that their behaviour can be controlled. Their reactions are an instinctive way to communicate a feeling. We need to meet our children where they are developmentally and emotionally.

We sometimes forget that children are individuals with feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. Limited language proficiency doesn't mean they can't express themselves. We just need to help them communicate in a way they are capable of. Listening and discussing emotions when everyone is calm can reveal surprising insights into a child's feelings and needs. Nobody can think clearly when they are upset.

Discipline Is Not Punishment: People are now starting to understand that there is a difference, but for so long, the belief was that people needed to be punished to learn. True discipline is instruction, teaching, and guiding. Punishment, on the other hand, means to inflict a penalty, pain, or loss. We don’t have to make our kids hurt and feel upset to make them learn. We do have to teach and explain.

Now, this doesn’t mean that they get away with everything. We still have limits and rules of what is okay, but our priority is to teach, not harm. We work with the child on what has happened and why. It is also essential that we ask our children what they think they should do to ‘fix’ a problem and what they might do next time. By talking about these and how other people might feel, we empower them to build problem-solving skills and empathy.

Practise Kindness (to Your Child and Yourself): We're all doing our best, both parents and children. Children rarely intend to annoy or upset us on purpose; they understand that everyone benefits when their parents are happy. Parents make mistakes, too, and we must approach our children and ourselves with kindness.

I advocate for 'positive/gentle parenting' because I've learned it's the best and most effective approach, albeit through difficult experiences. Sharing this knowledge, I'm saddened I didn't learn these lessons sooner. My hope is that others can learn from them without enduring the same hardships.

Foreword

Every once in a while, a book comes along that I want to gift every parent. This is one of those rare books. Krysten has written an informative, easy-to-read, hands- on guide for anyone who wants to understand the children in their lives better. More than that, she wants to support us to become the competent, compassionate caregivers we long to be.

Krysten and I serendipitously crossed paths in cyberspace. Physically, we’re an ocean apart as I’m in Canada and she lives in Australia, but we instantly became virtual friends. We share the intention of wanting to make parenting more joyful for parents by offering insight into what moves children to behave in the ways they do. We’ve both dedicated ourselves to trying to make the complex and sometimes overwhelming topic of child development simpler by putting it into everyday language. When we strip away what might be rather intimidating academic terminology, we’re left with the core message. These kernels of insight can help us to make sense of common and frequently misunderstood behaviours in children.

Parenting in the fast-paced digital world means we literally have an information superhighway at our fingertips day and night. Although access to information can be very helpful, it can also be enormously distressing and, at times, may even feel disempowering. When we take our ordinary parenting wonderings to the search bar, we may unwittingly end up in an information black hole which provides us with far more than we were looking for. Oftentimes, our attempts to understand something better ends up compounding rather than alleviating our worries. That’s where Krysten’s Instagram account and this book come in. She has done the work of collecting, preparing, and sharing insight so that we can put it into everyday action. As you’ll see, her ability to take theory and research and break it up into bite-size digestible pieces is exceptional.

The common thread in every chapter of this book is connection. Above all else, Krysten and I value relationship because we understand that it is the container for healthy emotional growth, which ultimately leads to living happier, more fulfilled lives. When we’re consistently reminded to prioritize and take care of the parent- child relationship,

we’re more likely to set up the conducive conditions required for true learning and spontaneous growing. Not only for children but for ourselves, too. Understanding the basics of human behaviour gives us the ability to shift the way we see behaviour, and so, with new awareness and consistent willingness, we’re able to transform our reactions into responses more of the time.

As caring adults, I believe our actions are firmly rooted in our good intentions. Sometimes, though, we are led astray from what our heart knows to be true because we live in a world that tries to hurry development by shaping behaviour and normalizing potentially harmful parenting practices. When we blindly take hand-me-down techniques and justify their use with, Well, I turned out fine or, Everybody does it as a yardstick, we may inadvertently resort to using ‘discipline’ techniques that work against the relationship we yearn to have with our children. It’s up to each of us to find our courage and walk our own paths as parents. This book offers us support to do this, especially when we realize that what may be considered ‘normal’ by the majority no longer aligns with what we intuitively recognize as being natural.

Krysten draws on her formal training as a psychologist, her more than two decades of experience working with children and families, and the round the clock practice of nurturing her own three children. Her words are particularly helpful to those who feel intuitively moved to take a more conscious, gentle approach to raising children without ignoring the science of development. She has gone to great lengths to provide us with evidence-based resources to help support our parenting decisions.

Best of all, Krysten has outlined a plethora of common parenting struggles and has generously offered suggestions for how to navigate certain situations. That said, she does not ask or expect us to follow her instructions to a T. Instead, she invites us to use the insight offered and implement it in ways that feel authentic to us because we’re the ones who know our children best and love them most. This formidable combination of both her head and heart has positioned her to be more than a trusted parenting expert; she’s a wise and caring companion who’s committed to being by our side as we navigate our own unique parenting journey.

Thank you, Krysten, for sharing your wisdom, experience, and caring heart with us in this book. I have no doubt that readers, and the children in their lives, will be better for it.

With love, Bridgett Miller

Author of What Young Children NEED You to Know: How to See Them So You Know What to Do for Them.

Founder of @parentingwithintention on Instagram

INDEX

Dedication

About the Author

What I Have Learned

Foreword: Bridgett Miller

1. The Foundation

Understanding Brain Development

Expectations - Deep Dive Questions

Sensory Processing as a Key to Behaviour

Sensory Difficulties Checklist

Why Sleep is Vital for Development

Sleep Tips and Tricks

Looking Behind the Behaviour

Looking Behind the Behaviour - Deep Dive Questions

Developing Impulse Control

Impulse Control Activities

2. Connected Relationships

What is Connection and Why is it Important?

Connection - Deep Dive Questions

Co-regulating with Children of All Ages

Co-regulation Activities

3. True Discipline

Cooperation, Not Obedience as a Goal of Parenting

Cooperation - Deep Dive Questions

Why Punishment Doesn't Work and What Does

True Discipline - Deep Dive Questions

How to Stop Yelling and Avoid Power Struggles

Identifying your Triggers - Deep Dive Questions

Avoiding Power Struggles - Deep Dive Questions

Attention Seeking Should Not be Ignored

Attention Seeking - Deep Dive Questions

When Anger Turns Aggressive

Anger Ladder Activity

Anger Snowball activity

What Kids Wished Their Parents Knew

What Do Your Kids Wish You Knew?

Why Parents Need to Say Sorry

How to Apologise - Deep Dive Questions

Should We Force Children to Apologise?

Emotion Coaching Cheat Sheet

Is Praise Bad?

Praise Alternatives

4. Common Struggles

Why Is My Child Lying?

Sibling Rivalry and What To Do About It

Conflict Resolution Activities

Raising Appreciative Kids

Teaching Gratitude

Learning Gratitude Activities

What to Do When You Have a Negative Thinker

Changing Mindset Activities

Changing Unhelpful Thoughts Activity

It Is Never Too Early to Prepare Kids for Social Media

Family Screen Time Plan

When Your Child Is Being Bullied

Bullying - Make a Plan

Everyday Resilience

Building Resilience When Things Don’t Work Out as Planned

Resilience Building Activities

Letting Kids Be Bored Can Be Constructive

School Holiday Activity List

Why Children Need to Do Chores

Reminder Chart

5. Caring for Ourselves

When Parents Burnout

Self-Care is Not Selfish

Self-Care Activities

Quick Relaxations

Parenting Mantra/Affirmations

6. Mindfulness

Mindfulness for Children

Mindfulness Activities

Finding Your ‘Special Place’ Activity

7. Working Through Anxiety

Anxiety and the Brain

How Can I Help My Anxious Child?

Managing Anxiety

Managing Anxiety Activities

Supporting Through Separation Anxiety

Ideas for Managing Separation Anxiety

Supporting a Child through ‘Shyness’

Raising a Sensitive Soul

Worry Bags Activity

Relaxation Pillow Activity

8. Developing Self-Esteem

How to Build Your Kid's Self-Esteem

Self-Esteem Bucket Activity

Tree of Me Activity

9. Emotional Intelligence

Building Emotional Intelligence

Feelings, Feelings, and More Feelings

Feelings Activities

Emotional First Aid Kit Activity

Emotional Vocabulary Activity

Developing Empathy and Its importance

Empathy Building Games

Emotional Intelligence - Social Skills

Personal Space Activity

Voice Activities

Body Language Activities

Teaching Problem-Solving

Problem-Solving Activities

Reference List

1.

The Foundation

Understanding Brain Development

Children’s behaviour can often be frustrating. The tantrums, wanting irrational things, and generally being overly emotional can infuriate parents. The problem is that these behaviours fit perfectly with children’s development. Understanding the basics of child brain development and having some insight into why our children behave this way can make a huge difference in how we respond to them. We no longer feel our children are ‘naughty’ or deliberately trying to drive us crazy. We understand that they are simply doing their best with what they have. Also, if we help them calm themselves and work through what has upset them, we support their positive brain development.

When humans are born, their brains are underdeveloped. If we waited until our brains were developed to be born (like other mammals), we would give birth to a baby with a head the size of a toddler. And nobody wants to do that! Therefore, a lot of human development must happen after birth. Most growth occurs before the age of five, with the first 1000 days regarded as the most significant.

Human brains develop from the bottom up. Starting with the primitive part of the brain that really just keeps you alive, through to the Cortical part of the brain, which is the logical problem-solving centre. But it takes years for this development to happen. This is why we can't expect kids to think logically; that part of their brain literally doesn’t function yet. It's a bit like expecting a child to ride a bike before they have learned to walk. They have yet to reach that stage of development.

I know graphics like the one above can be a little overwhelming. But it is a good visual to understand the progression of brain development. Let’s step through that growth now.

Brain stem: 0–6 months: The first part of the brain develops from birth until about six months of age. This part of the brain controls heart rate, breathing, and our ‘fight, flight, freez, and fawn’ response. This part of the brain requires no ‘thinking.’ It is simply reactive. When we understand this development, we can more easily see how trauma, even in very young children, can over-develop their ‘fight, flight, freeze, fawn’ response.

Midbrain: 6 months–2 years: The midbrain is responsible for movement and coordination. It makes sense then that this is the stage when children learn to roll, crawl, and walk. This is when your baby is discovering what their body can do.

Limbic: 2–7 years: This is the part of the brain with which we seem to have the most difficulty. And it is why we have terms like ‘terrible twos’ and ‘t(hr)eenagers.’ This is the stage of emotional brain development. Where our kids begin to experience big emotions but lack the language and neural connections (brain hardware) to communicate and cope with them. Even when they acquire more language, children spend most of their time operating from the brain’s limbic region.

Cortical: 7–adult: Although there is some development from about four years of age, the thinking section of the brain does not become the centre of development until seven years of age. So, if we take a moment to think about this, we can see that our expectations of our five- and six-year-olds may be unrealistic. The prefrontal cortex is the part of our brain that helps us regulate emotions, control social behaviour, problem-solve, and reason. It is helpful to know that this part of the brain is still maturing well into our 20s. Therefore, a child cannot reason the same way an adult does.

What Does This Mean?

This information suggests that unless we recognise our child’s stage of development before we try to reason with them, we may be wasting our time. Using logic when they are operating from their limbic brain is not going to help. We need to be patient and compassionate with them.

Regardless of how smart you think your three-year-old is, they are not capable of rationally talking about why the blue cup is just the same as the pink cup. They can't think about the fact that the cups are the same and serve the same purpose. All they know is that they wanted the pink cup, but you gave them the blue one. From their limbic operating system, it feels like their world just fell apart. Being in the emotional brain also makes them more reactive to new events. This is why children are comforted by continuity, such as the same-coloured cup. When things change, they can’t necessarily predict what will happen, so it can feel like something is wrong.

Before the thinking brain develops, a child can't tell you they feel worried or disappointed about something. Their behaviour is their communication, which they use to let us know something is wrong. Our job is to help them become calm so we can step in as their thinking brain and give them the language for their feelings. They literally can’t do this alone. They need us to use our well-developed thinking brains to guide them.

Along with lots of hugs and reassurance, when they are calm, you can name their feelings for them. For example, saying, You were really disappointed you didn't get the pink cup. When they feel understood, you can bring in some logical thinking. The pink cup was dirty. That's why I gave you the blue cup. While this may sound unrealistic and time-consuming, fighting with our kids and trying to reason when they literally can't can take even longer. And it usually doesn't work. That's why we must ensure we stay in control and don't fall into operating from our own limbic brains.

Remember, it isn't just toddlers that function from their limbic brain. Whenever we are stressed or anxious, our thinking brain is switched off, and we respond out of instinct and emotion. We have all had moments when we have ‘lost it.’ In that moment, if someone came up to you and said, Now that's not logical. Stop crying and get on with it! Would it help? I'm guessing it would only add fuel to the fire.

Kids are the same. The only difference is that their tolerance for stress and anxiety is far lower than ours, so they are MORE likely to be in their emotional, limbic brain. You can't meet the emotional brain with logic.

It simply won't work. You must meet children in their emotions. Let them see that you understand their feelings and help them settle. Only when they are calm will they be able to talk through the problem more logically.

As parents, we don't need to be experts in neuropsychology, but understanding the basics of brain development can free children from our expectations. It also allows us to see our children's behaviour as normal