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    When the leaves fall
    When the leaves fall
    When the leaves fall
    Ebook80 pages1 hour

    When the leaves fall

    By Yashna Malik

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Changing your life with the seasons sounds motivating and enthralling

    but is actually a feat many fail to achieve. When the leaves fall follows

    the story of a young girl, Aisha, as she struggles to cope wi

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherUkiyoto Publishing
    Release dateAug 26, 2024
    ISBN9789364946056
    When the leaves fall

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      Book preview

      When the leaves fall - Yashna Malik

      Chapter 1

      "Have you ever stood under a bridge in heavy rain, listing to music through your headphones, waiting for the weather to clear? Have you ever felt a sudden calm wash over you as the fragrance of the wet mud washes over everything?

      What do you do in that moment? Do you follow your heart and step out from under the cover, or do you let that chance of feeling bliss slip away?"

      2

      0 October 2019

      Dear Diary,

      It has been a week since I came home from the hospital. I cannot say it has been great but I am getting by. The purpose of a journal is to help us sort through our feelings and here I am lying to myself in my journal.

      I have not been getting by. The last leaves of the autumn trees have fallen and with them, my will to live has died as well. Each day has been more difficult than the last.

      Everyone keeps looking at me like I am a glass doll and will break at just about everything. I do not blame them though; it must have come as a shock to them that the smiling girl they have known for so long wanted to kill herself. I am not okay with being alive yet but I am also not fragile and everyone walking on eggshells around me has not exactly been helpful. My life has mostly been far from normal but at least I pretended. Now that my bluff is out in the open and I do not have a clue as to what I am supposed to do.

      Every morning that I wake up, a wave of disappointment washes over me. I cannot seem to figure out what I did wrong that I made it out alive that day. I am supposed to be happy. People in my support group keep saying I have been gifted a second life. But the truth is, I did not want this second life. I wanted it to end. I am alive, yes and my broken life is still around me.

      I am too afraid to see a doctor again, the last time did not end very well for me. I cannot talk to anyone because no one would understand. Now I know what you would say, ‘How can I assume that no one will understand.,’ but I am speaking from experience. I did not tell anyone yet, but the reason why I overdosed was that I was that I felt absolutely alone and lost. It is not that I did not have humans around me, I did. My family and my friends constantly share my space. I was emotionally alone, abandoned in a way. I could not find the right words to explain to anyone that I didn’t feel connection to them. How could I say that I feel unloved and not offend every person in my life? Its not that they don’t love me, because they do and I know they do. Its just that its far anyone to actually understand what depression feels like and unless you have been through the darkness, you can’t say that there is light at the end of it. Now I know that I should not be thinking about all this, it can be a trigger. But I need to let it all out.

      I did not have anyone I could depend upon. I could not tell anyone what hurt or where I was hurting. The therapy had been scraping at the bottom of my mind, getting all the trauma to the surface and I obviously did not handle it very well.

      I tried, at several points, to talk to people but everyone concluded that either I was a ‘psycho’ or I wanted attention, their words not mine. Anyways, I reached out to a psychiatrist after I felt like something was really wrong inside my brain and when I did not have any more places left on my body to cut myself on. The first few weeks in the therapy were okay. They gave me pills. They diagnosed that I had borderline personality disorder along with anxiety. I thought I was getting better at first but then the sleeplessness started. I would stay awake for nights, just looking at my ceiling. All the horrible and painful things I had discussed with the therapist would echo in my

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