How I did it: Kirstie on the journey to being childfree
The journey to parenthood can be a complex and challenging one for many, and at Crayon we’re committed to honestly sharing the varied journeys that kiwis go on. This interview touches on the fertility journey and one woman’s decision to be childfree.
In our series How I Did It, friends of Crayon share their personal stories about how they tackled one aspect of their personal finances. While their journey is specific to their situation, we hope it inspires you to take action. Just keep in mind that, as always, Crayon and our guests are not providing financial advice.
Kirstie Marsh is the Chief of Staff at Narrative, a Photography AI startup in New Zealand. She also advocates for women’s healthcare at Gaia and is building a community for women living outside the traditional expectations at Uncommon. We are honoured Kirstie chose to share the journey she and her husband went through to decide to be child-free.
Content advisory: This article contains information that some readers may find difficult to read about. Kirstie talks about a late-term miscarriage and unsuccessful IVF, and reader discretion is advised.
Hello Kirstie! Can you start by sharing when the ‘kid question’ first came up?
My husband and I met in our late twenties. One of our first big adventures together was moving to London. We had an amazing ten years of work and travel experiences from there, including an extended stay living, working and learning Spanish in Barcelona.
In our late thirties, our friends started to have kids. We felt the pressure of the biological clock counting down but were ambivalent about having children, even though we are both the eldest of big families.
How did you decide?
We talked about it - a lot. We always ended up agreeing that regardless of what path we chose, we would be fine. That being said, it became a difficult space to inhabit. We became trapped in a vacuum of indecision. We really loved the life we had built for ourselves - the opportunities, travel, time and space to think and plan our futures or just do nothing, as well as togetherness. Yet, the biological opportunity to have children was quickly closing in on us, if that was indeed what we wanted.
Eventually, the pressures of time passing and removing the option to potentially become parents, as well as societal pressures - someone I worked with who had kids in her late thirties told me, “It’s now or never” - seemed to outweigh our ambivalence. However, we always maintained that regardless of the outcome, we would be happy. Our first pregnancy happened very quickly, and I remember feeling a sense of both hope and trepidation. Sadly, this ended in a late-term miscarriage. This was one of the most traumatic experiences in our lives. The UK healthcare system was not set up to manage the full process well, and we were both left physically and mentally drained.
At this point, we decided to return to NZ. Adjusting back to life in Wellington was quite a culture shock - I’m sure many people who have returned home after an extended period away can relate. On top of this, I had a second miscarriage, at which point we decided to embark on fertility treatment.
That’s a lot to process at the same time. Everyone’s fertility journey is different. What did yours involve?
We engaged with Fertility Associates in Wellington. Because we were already in our late thirties, they advised us to go straight into the in vitro fertilization (IVF) process. We both did genetic testing to check for any critical issues. The report we received from the geneticist was confusing and confronting, which delayed us going back to the fertility specialist. We ended up seeking advice from our GP, who was able to help us understand the results and get us back on track.
We then did one round of egg retrieval, plus genetic testing of the embryos. We experienced a significant delay because the only lab in New Zealand that covers genetic testing closed for over a month, disrupting the cycle process and causing a backlog of months.
We felt like we were stuck in limbo - time seemed to pass quickly, but we made no progress. It’s like screaming into a void, but occasionally that void slaps you sharply in the face. The trauma of miscarriage was still a recent memory, and we were acutely aware that our time was running out biologically. Also, our ambivalence remained, and we often felt disconnected from the process we were going through - was this the right thing? Was it what we really wanted?
The best advice we received came from my GP, who had conceived two children via IVF: “The IVF process is tough, you need to summon a lot of grit to get through it. You will know when you want to continue or not. And whatever you decide will be right.”
When we finally received the embryo results, we were informed that none were viable to proceed to IVF. It was a tough pill to swallow after everything we had been through.
We had always talked about how far we wanted to take the fertility process. While the results were disappointing, and we could have chosen to continue with further rounds, we agreed that this was the end of the line for us. After everything we had been through, this was where our grit had well and truly run out.
We were then left to decide whether we would try other avenues of becoming parents, such as continued IVF rounds or egg donors. To support our decision on the next steps, we were referred to a fertility counsellor at Fertility Associates. Whilst we only had one session, her guidance was very helpful. We wished we had started with this support instead of leaving it to the end of the process.
To read more about Kirstie's experience going through fertility treatment, read her Substack here.
At what point did you and your husband decide to be childfree?
We went to Tonga for a break. Whilst away from our everyday lives, we weighed up our values, hopes and dreams, planned the life we wanted to continue to build together and decided that we were very happy to do this without children.
I remember visiting a good friend a week after we returned from our trip who did not know about the full process we had been through. She opened her front door, looked me up and down, and said: “WOW, You look lighter, like you’ve shifted the burdens of the world somehow”.
And that is how we both feel today as a childfree couple. Even though the path there was difficult and traumatic, the gift that came out of it was clarity on the life we actually wanted to build together and the freedom to do it.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. In addition to the physical and emotional toll of fertility treatments, what were your financial costs?
We initially thought we would just be undertaking the standard IVF process (fertility drugs, egg and sperm collection, and then in vitro fertilization). However, because we were in our late thirties, the fertility specialist advised us to do genetic testing to cover any potential upfront individual issues. The results we received from these tests then dictated the specific fertility cycle drugs, and egg and sperm collection process. In addition, they suggested we add genetic testing of any embryos before undertaking any IVF.
Initially, we were eligible for publicly funded IVF (at the time, there was up to a 12-month wait for this to be funded from application), but once our genetics report came back, this was no longer an option, so the full costs were out of our own pocket.
The total cost was just under NZ$30K. We made payments after each consultation and at the start of each stage of treatment. The total cost covered:
All doctor and nurse consultations, appointments and scans
Specific fertility drugs
Egg collection
Sperm collection
Geneticist report
Storage with additional requirements due to lab delay
Embryology, including genetic testing
One counselling session
We certainly did not imagine it would have cost as much as it did at the start of the process, and it was hard for us to anticipate the total spend, as we had specific issues come up that meant we faced additional costs as we went through the process. Fertility Associates provided clear information about costs before we incurred them.
This was a huge expense for us, and we were lucky to have the flexibility of an overdraft to pay on time. Cost was one factor in considering whether to continue with further IVF rounds, as our journey would likely have been long and required multiple interventions.
We’ve crunched the numbers on the cost of raising a child, and it’s expensive. What are the financial upsides of being childfree?
One of our values in life is freedom, which includes financial freedom. Given the average cost of raising a child in NZ from birth to age 18 can range from NZD$250,000 to NZD$500,000, being childfree allows us to have more options as a double income, no kids family. We have more freedom to do what we choose with our money and to take bigger financial risks, such as investing in early-stage start-ups.
Some of the greatest gifts of this financial freedom are the ability to travel extensively, take breaks from full-time work to pursue our interests, as well as build portfolio-type careers which may not always provide high incomes but instead provide personal fulfilment.
What other financial considerations have you made that are perhaps different to your friends with children?
Even though we come from big families, we can’t rely on them as an insurance policy if things were to change in our lives. Being childfree has given us a sense of having to be very independent in the event that life throws a curve ball our way. Having a plan to save and to manage debt, life and health insurance, as well as wills and power of attorneys, are all important. Also, planning for what later life might look like together, how much we put into our retirement and care in our older age are critical.
Outside of the financial implications, childfree people do need to work a bit harder to connect to friends and family. Families with children are often connected easily through kindy, school and sports events etc., to friends and communities. So it’s important to find your tribe. Social media is full of childfree people sharing their experiences, and there are many great resources and communities out there.
What do you wish you had known about earlier?
Our five-year journey was hard, and my mental and physical health definitely suffered. I wish I had found a great counsellor as early as possible in this process. They are critical in helping you step outside of your own head, separate the emotions from the facts, and recognise that whilst both can exist simultaneously, only the facts will bring clarity, and clarity is indeed kind. I really recommend doing this if you are struggling with the mental load around deciding to have children or not, as well as the stress and anxiety of the fertility journey.
What resources did you find particularly helpful?
The most important resources I found were about making the decision to have children and experiences similar to my journey. The following were particularly helpful to me:
What words of wisdom do you have for those who might be on a similar journey?
Identify yourself! What do you want? What pulls you naturally? What life do you want to live, and what impact do you want to have in your one sweet life? This is incredibly powerful armour to build as early as you can in life and will help you navigate the things life throws at you.
Information is power. If you are contemplating having children, seek out information. Look at all your options. Seek out experts, people’s experiences, communities and content that speaks to your life journey. And do this as early as you can in life.
Optionality is also power. Look at giving yourself a bit of fertility insurance if you can. For example, get genetic tests to check for any specific issues or freeze your eggs as early as you can. Create opportunities and choices for yourself, even if you decide not to pursue them later on. We were dealing with very specific issues within a very limited time period and the pressure was tremendous. If you can extend this runway and mitigate risks, it will alleviate that pressure.
Also, if you can, shop around fertility specialists before engaging one. Although expensive, some friends in New Zealand have gone to Australia for fertility treatment as the range of services is broader and in their view of a higher standard than what they experienced here. Don’t settle for advice you don’t understand or are not happy with. If possible, use your GP or other experts or find a second opinion.
Most of all, know that if it does not go the way you thought it would or wanted it to, there is a good life to be had on the other side of this. Identify the things that drive you and what kind of life you want, seek out people on a similar journey to you, share your stories so others can find you and know that when one door closes, many others open.
Where to now from here, Kirstie?
The opportunities and gifts that come from this difficult journey have been amazing. I have moved from a legal career to running tech companies, and I’ve just begun advocating for women’s healthcare (check out Gaia), as well as writing and building a community for women living outside of society's traditional expectations (see Uncommon). I have the freedom, time and space to think about and experiment with my life. My husband and I sometimes look at our lives and go, “Wow we built that ourselves, and we love it!” I think all people have many life paths; some work out and others don’t but there is nothing more rewarding than making the most out of the one you have.
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Kirstie!
You’re welcome. When we went through this journey, there was not as much information and community as you can find now, and it was so amazing to read and hear about stories similar to mine, so I’m really happy to share this with your readers and hope they find it helpful for their own life experiences.
Now for the important legal part: The information we provide is general and not regulated financial advice for the purposes of the Financial Markets Conduct Act 2013. Please seek independent legal, financial, tax or other advice in considering whether the content in this article is appropriate for your goals, situation or needs. The information in this article is current as at 12 February 2023.
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