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Hate to Feel
Love is not patient, and it is not kind. It is envious, boastful, and proud. It dishonors others, and is self-seeking. It is easily angered, and keeps record of all wrongs. It delights in evil and recoils from the truth. It never protects, never trusts, never hopes, and, most importantly, it never perseveres. Love always fails. These are truths Derek Diver has yet to fully comprehend, but the time of his enlightenment is approaching. His lesson will be steeped in blood, and he will learn that love is the most violent force on Earth.
335 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 9, 2017
About the author
Chandler Morrison
16 books600 followersLittle is known about Chandler’s origins. He has claimed, on separate occasions, to be both from Helltown, California, and Cleveland, Ohio. To date, it is still unclear from which locale he actually hails. He currently resides in Los Angeles, but sightings of him are rare.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 63 reviews
March 10, 2021
A delightful love story indeed. This book has crossover characters with Dead Inside, which I loved. Superbly written. I’d read this dudes shopping list.
September 24, 2022
Chandler Morrison is a genius, every book I read from him made me speechless. It's dark and brutal but the story is so well written, it's nihilist and always perfect.
April 24, 2021
Wow, OK, that was intensely brilliant. Loved the little nods to Dead Inside too. Drew me in completely and didn't let me go until the brilliantly brutal end! Loved it!
June 25, 2020
Oooohhh DAMN!
This is just 100% amazing. The author just pulls you right in, you can feel it all. So fun all the way through.. and then the end! Ahhhhhhh! Perfection.
The writing is top notch, I'm a huge fan of long sentences-so full of commas that by the end I'm left breathless. It's a marathon of words.
I give it a million stars.
This is just 100% amazing. The author just pulls you right in, you can feel it all. So fun all the way through.. and then the end! Ahhhhhhh! Perfection.
The writing is top notch, I'm a huge fan of long sentences-so full of commas that by the end I'm left breathless. It's a marathon of words.
I give it a million stars.
March 28, 2024
“Maybe existence is just something to be suffered, not relished.”
This book is SO GOOD. I think this is my new favorite of his. That says a lot because if you’ve seen me scream about Along the Path of Torment then you know how much I love that book. I feel as though I have become the unofficial spokesperson of Chandler Morrison recently with how much I’ve been shoving his books down everyone’s throats (not literally….well maybe sometimes). I feel as though I am qualified for that job though since I graduated high school with a 3.2 GPA.
This book is about Derek who falls in love and becomes obsessed with a woman and experiences immense heartbreak following a breakup. He aims not to feel and the only way he can do that is by engaging in brutal violence. This book is an American Psycho-esque love story. The feelings and emotions in this book felt REAL. Morrison’s ability to write such deeply flawed characters that feel real and make you feel sorry for them despite them being horrible is unmatched. Parts of this book felt so incredibly relatable and like a punch to the gut. I truly can’t get over how well he writes.
This book gets crazier and crazier until it’s batshit insane gore and violence. It’s nihilist. It’s heartbreaking. It’s disgusting. It’s relatable. It’s perfect. It’s similar to the feeling of having a 3.2 GPA.
This book is SO GOOD. I think this is my new favorite of his. That says a lot because if you’ve seen me scream about Along the Path of Torment then you know how much I love that book. I feel as though I have become the unofficial spokesperson of Chandler Morrison recently with how much I’ve been shoving his books down everyone’s throats (not literally….well maybe sometimes). I feel as though I am qualified for that job though since I graduated high school with a 3.2 GPA.
This book is about Derek who falls in love and becomes obsessed with a woman and experiences immense heartbreak following a breakup. He aims not to feel and the only way he can do that is by engaging in brutal violence. This book is an American Psycho-esque love story. The feelings and emotions in this book felt REAL. Morrison’s ability to write such deeply flawed characters that feel real and make you feel sorry for them despite them being horrible is unmatched. Parts of this book felt so incredibly relatable and like a punch to the gut. I truly can’t get over how well he writes.
This book gets crazier and crazier until it’s batshit insane gore and violence. It’s nihilist. It’s heartbreaking. It’s disgusting. It’s relatable. It’s perfect. It’s similar to the feeling of having a 3.2 GPA.
September 24, 2022
“There is nothing more awful and ruinous than love. In the end, it ruins us all.” This is the story of Derek who can’t avoid heartbreak. He is good looking , rich, and smart. He’s developed an infatuation with a coworker. When things don’t quite work out Derek decides he no longer wants to feel. Morrison has once again created characters so detested you can’t help but pity them. I found myself asking who’s the real monster here? Derek or the people that created him .
July 17, 2021
Wow Chandler Morrison writes so well. This story is really awesome. Starts kinda slow, but it captures heartbreak so well. You feel a lot of emotions well reading the story. Then it gets really violent. Has some easter eggs from Dead Inside. Derek is a great main character. Liked the ending.
October 13, 2023
The lead up to this story kind of drags… but stick with it, (unless you are put off by gore and body horror, in which case, you have no business even considering a Chandler Morrison novel, what are you doing here? Lol.) it’s a slow burn.
Don’t let it persuade you, but I imagined the main character to look just like Ian Sommerhalder, and the object of his affection Kate Siegel (ok ok so I’m in a Flanagan kick.) Continue reading, maybe you’ll see it. Haha.
Egomaniac DEREK DIVER, “DATA REVIEW SPECIALIST, a pretentious, pseudo-Intellectual trust fund baby (he had a 3.2 GPA in high school, he’ll have you know) and entitled incel, is fed up with his job. Unhinged and driven by the gratification of escaping his intrusive thoughts regarding the object of his obsession and their falling out, Derek’s coping mechanisms are…unorthodox. From gardening and home improvement tools to kitchen implements and everything in between, no tool is off limits as Derek exhausts his catharsis on his everyday adversaries of recognizably negligible discretions and past slights with ubiquitous depravity. When you’re as resourceful and inventive as you are barbaric, just about ANY object can become murder weapon... and if you’re Chandler Morrison, not ONE of the aforementioned murder weapons is fully exempt from becoming a literary set piece.
“I’d read a newspaper article about a guy who’d committed suicide in a small apartment in Melvin, but before doing so, he had mutilated himself with a variety of household items until he was unrecognizable.” LOVED the literary call back to my all-time favorite gross out story from “Just to See Hell”, his collection of short stories, titled “In the Face”. Nicely done! Strategic placement! I guess Derek had SOME creative inspiration in addition to his own lascivious brainstorming….
I’m all for executive freedom in art…. But this book makes Morrison seem a little fat phobic and that’s just me being sincere. I’m not here to police that kind of thing, it’s just a recurrent theme I noticed in this particular work. Speaking of themes… I’m not sure what chandler’s obsession with hallmark movies is all about? Or his predilection toward self-mutilation/suicide to the tune of Enya, but…I suppose we all have our things, lol.
That said… when Derek breaks in to have a… tea party? (😆Haha) at the residence of Charissa, workplace gossip and object of his revulsion, that’s when the story REALLY takes off. Without spoiling too much… remember that bedroom scene in Terrifier 2? You keep thinking, “this couldn’t possibly keep going much longer or get any more fucked up than this, like…she’s gotta die at SOME point… the scene can’t go on forever” and yet, it somehow manages to continue on it’s journey from bad to beyond worse, seems to go on interminably? I guess I’d liken it to THAT scene, rivaling none other than David Howard Thornton’s UNPARALLELED performance as Art the Clown.
Three parts extreme horror, one part bizarro, and downright pornographic at times, Morrison leaves no stone unturned. Hate to Feel is a provocative and exploitative jaunt into the hellish imagination of a young and budding psychopath, rarely disputing its merits as anything besides, and in this regard it shines.
End of the review note, hand to my chest… SUPER ODD coincidence the author thinks of the hospital security guard (who’s name escapes me despite hours of internet searching, forgive me… I’m convinced that perhaps this was an intentional literary element on Morrison’s part as I reskimmed much of the book and couldn’t find any introduction to his character either…and perhaps we will find out in a sequel?! Or maybe it’s more sinister to know nothing of his identity…I guess I’ll be reading more Morrison to find out…)to look like Ian Sommerhalder, as I had imagined the main character to look like earlier in my review. I write my reviews AS I READ, and that was just fuckin WILD… but I’m glad we are thinking in the same regard casting wise! Lol (not that this could EVER make it to film… how would you rate that?!) Love that Morrison also pays homage to dead inside… easily one of my most fucked up reads of 2021. HOWEVER, I always thought the hospital security guard would look more like Bill Skarsgård with dark hair…. SCOUTS HONOR!
All-in-all… Delectably dis-tasteful. And I’m not “woke” enough that I can’t admit I enjoyed it. 4/5 stars.
Don’t let it persuade you, but I imagined the main character to look just like Ian Sommerhalder, and the object of his affection Kate Siegel (ok ok so I’m in a Flanagan kick.) Continue reading, maybe you’ll see it. Haha.
Egomaniac DEREK DIVER, “DATA REVIEW SPECIALIST, a pretentious, pseudo-Intellectual trust fund baby (he had a 3.2 GPA in high school, he’ll have you know) and entitled incel, is fed up with his job. Unhinged and driven by the gratification of escaping his intrusive thoughts regarding the object of his obsession and their falling out, Derek’s coping mechanisms are…unorthodox. From gardening and home improvement tools to kitchen implements and everything in between, no tool is off limits as Derek exhausts his catharsis on his everyday adversaries of recognizably negligible discretions and past slights with ubiquitous depravity. When you’re as resourceful and inventive as you are barbaric, just about ANY object can become murder weapon... and if you’re Chandler Morrison, not ONE of the aforementioned murder weapons is fully exempt from becoming a literary set piece.
“I’d read a newspaper article about a guy who’d committed suicide in a small apartment in Melvin, but before doing so, he had mutilated himself with a variety of household items until he was unrecognizable.” LOVED the literary call back to my all-time favorite gross out story from “Just to See Hell”, his collection of short stories, titled “In the Face”. Nicely done! Strategic placement! I guess Derek had SOME creative inspiration in addition to his own lascivious brainstorming….
I’m all for executive freedom in art…. But this book makes Morrison seem a little fat phobic and that’s just me being sincere. I’m not here to police that kind of thing, it’s just a recurrent theme I noticed in this particular work. Speaking of themes… I’m not sure what chandler’s obsession with hallmark movies is all about? Or his predilection toward self-mutilation/suicide to the tune of Enya, but…I suppose we all have our things, lol.
That said… when Derek breaks in to have a… tea party? (😆Haha) at the residence of Charissa, workplace gossip and object of his revulsion, that’s when the story REALLY takes off. Without spoiling too much… remember that bedroom scene in Terrifier 2? You keep thinking, “this couldn’t possibly keep going much longer or get any more fucked up than this, like…she’s gotta die at SOME point… the scene can’t go on forever” and yet, it somehow manages to continue on it’s journey from bad to beyond worse, seems to go on interminably? I guess I’d liken it to THAT scene, rivaling none other than David Howard Thornton’s UNPARALLELED performance as Art the Clown.
Three parts extreme horror, one part bizarro, and downright pornographic at times, Morrison leaves no stone unturned. Hate to Feel is a provocative and exploitative jaunt into the hellish imagination of a young and budding psychopath, rarely disputing its merits as anything besides, and in this regard it shines.
End of the review note, hand to my chest… SUPER ODD coincidence the author thinks of the hospital security guard (who’s name escapes me despite hours of internet searching, forgive me… I’m convinced that perhaps this was an intentional literary element on Morrison’s part as I reskimmed much of the book and couldn’t find any introduction to his character either…and perhaps we will find out in a sequel?! Or maybe it’s more sinister to know nothing of his identity…I guess I’ll be reading more Morrison to find out…)to look like Ian Sommerhalder, as I had imagined the main character to look like earlier in my review. I write my reviews AS I READ, and that was just fuckin WILD… but I’m glad we are thinking in the same regard casting wise! Lol (not that this could EVER make it to film… how would you rate that?!) Love that Morrison also pays homage to dead inside… easily one of my most fucked up reads of 2021. HOWEVER, I always thought the hospital security guard would look more like Bill Skarsgård with dark hair…. SCOUTS HONOR!
All-in-all… Delectably dis-tasteful. And I’m not “woke” enough that I can’t admit I enjoyed it. 4/5 stars.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 28, 2023
4 stars for a perfect mix of American Psycho esque musings, brutality and violence that contributed to the overall commentary, great conversations about toxic masculinity and misogyny, and the masterful development of wildly unlikable characters who are somehow still crafted with empathy and understanding.
The irony Morrison captures in his work is truly unmatched. This one felt similar to Dead Inside, but less ridiculous satire and more real world conversation. However, if you’re a Dead Inside fan like myself, you’ll be pleased to see cameos from a few of the characters from that novel.
Would have been 4.5 or 5 ⭐️ but there was one instance of the use of a slur which put a bad taste in my mouth. I understand the intent, which I do not believe to be malicious. It was not used in a racist context, but it just felt unnecessary to me. (I am a white reviewer so please take this with 🧂)
I do love this author’s work, but I will continue to be consistent in calling attention to this issue, especially when there’s no TW. Hopefully y’all see that I draw attention to this for ALL authors I read from, no matter how I feel about them or whether they have supported me. :)
The irony Morrison captures in his work is truly unmatched. This one felt similar to Dead Inside, but less ridiculous satire and more real world conversation. However, if you’re a Dead Inside fan like myself, you’ll be pleased to see cameos from a few of the characters from that novel.
Would have been 4.5 or 5 ⭐️ but there was one instance of the use of a slur which put a bad taste in my mouth. I understand the intent, which I do not believe to be malicious. It was not used in a racist context, but it just felt unnecessary to me. (I am a white reviewer so please take this with 🧂)
I do love this author’s work, but I will continue to be consistent in calling attention to this issue, especially when there’s no TW. Hopefully y’all see that I draw attention to this for ALL authors I read from, no matter how I feel about them or whether they have supported me. :)
September 24, 2024
Hate to Feel is the 3rd book I have read by Chandler Morrison and wow it did not disappoint! This book is really well written and it grips you and doesn’t let go! Oh, and did I forget to mention this book is BRUTAL! The gore scenes were really graphic and descriptive but did we expect any less? I can’t wait to read more of this author but I will only recommend to a minority of friends due to the brutality!!!
January 21, 2024
I went through so many emotions while reading this book. I absolutely love the way Chandler Morrison writes. His characters always make me feel like I am watching the worst car wreck ever or any other catastrophe in slow motion. But you can't look away. You know how it will end but yet you still watch, with a very strong feeling of dread. That is the only way I can describe how it felt reading this book (and his other books).
Derek feels. He feels to much and its so very overwhelming. And his constant intrusive thoughts aren't helping. And then he thinks he is in love but of course, just like with everything in his life, it doesn't stay. Instead there is this nagging feeling. And it ends and he feels it all. Until he finds a way to deal with all of these emotions.
I would like to point out the end. For those who read most of the authors books, there is a small reference at the end that made me gasp. I love Easter eggs!
Excellent book, as usual very well written, and Chandler Morrison is the master of writing these kinds of characters.
For those that need it: Trigger Warning - sexual violence.
Derek feels. He feels to much and its so very overwhelming. And his constant intrusive thoughts aren't helping. And then he thinks he is in love but of course, just like with everything in his life, it doesn't stay. Instead there is this nagging feeling. And it ends and he feels it all. Until he finds a way to deal with all of these emotions.
I would like to point out the end. For those who read most of the authors books, there is a small reference at the end that made me gasp. I love Easter eggs!
Excellent book, as usual very well written, and Chandler Morrison is the master of writing these kinds of characters.
For those that need it: Trigger Warning - sexual violence.
February 14, 2022
Derek Diver is an over emotional, sensitive pretty boy with a GPA of 3.2 (and he will remind you often) who manages to attract a string of unsuccessful relationships.
This is a guy who will cry if you look at him wrong. And admittedly, I started to hate him. Which I am sure was exactly the point.
Derek, sick of being a pathetic wimp decides that he doesn’t want to feel anymore. Normally, people choose a very predictable route of drugs and alcohol, but he’s got something better.
It quiets the mind. And suddenly he’s “dead inside.”
Do you know how happy I was to realize there was a HUGE dead inside tie in? “I have to go check the security cameras.”
And since I just finished 𝗟𝗢𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗔, I believe there was a tiny nod to it in the form of an “Uncle Humbert”…… don’t quote me on it though.
Like all of Chandler’s books, there’s a moment where you just wait because sh*t is going to fit the fan. And it did. All I have to say is thank you.
5⭐️
This is a guy who will cry if you look at him wrong. And admittedly, I started to hate him. Which I am sure was exactly the point.
Derek, sick of being a pathetic wimp decides that he doesn’t want to feel anymore. Normally, people choose a very predictable route of drugs and alcohol, but he’s got something better.
It quiets the mind. And suddenly he’s “dead inside.”
Do you know how happy I was to realize there was a HUGE dead inside tie in? “I have to go check the security cameras.”
And since I just finished 𝗟𝗢𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗔, I believe there was a tiny nod to it in the form of an “Uncle Humbert”…… don’t quote me on it though.
Like all of Chandler’s books, there’s a moment where you just wait because sh*t is going to fit the fan. And it did. All I have to say is thank you.
5⭐️
March 13, 2022
Oh. This book took me out! I am not new to this genre. I would say I'm pretty seasoned now and holy crap..... ive never had to put a book down and take a break before. Then I went back and forth of rating this book 2 stars or 4 stars. Bc..... bc.... of that ONE scene. There's one scene with a girl and the things she says...... no woman feels that way towards molestation and rape!!!! It pissed me off. But then I realized the author really had me in my feels and had me feeling a type of way. And I had to remember an author is not their stories. Not like that. So I went with 4 stars bc he definitely got me there. Oh, did he get under my skin.
August 19, 2023
Chandler Morrison delivers again. That was one intense dark bleak brutal nihilistic love story. This is a masterfully written book of how love can be and probably is the most painful emotion. When we have love its euphoric we want it we let it consume us we obsess and when we don't feel,have, or lose that love we obsess and numb ourselves in any and every way possible even do or agree to the unthinkable all because we "hate to feel" what a awesome read. I highly recommend this and anything by Chandler Morrison he never disappoints.
February 7, 2022
This was absolutely brutal, horrific and brilliant. I think I need to sit for a while now though.
March 28, 2021
Good read
This was a really good read and has some great blood, gore and violence mixed in, my only angst was it took a while to get to it. But the whole storyline was good and Derek although was a boring character he was a good character also. Loved Tamara and how intense she was and how she brought some extra anger to the read. Though Derek seemed to pick up from this later. As an extreme horror fan, the second half of the book was 5 star, the first was four. But still a good read and I would recommend.
This was a really good read and has some great blood, gore and violence mixed in, my only angst was it took a while to get to it. But the whole storyline was good and Derek although was a boring character he was a good character also. Loved Tamara and how intense she was and how she brought some extra anger to the read. Though Derek seemed to pick up from this later. As an extreme horror fan, the second half of the book was 5 star, the first was four. But still a good read and I would recommend.
August 7, 2024
3.5
I appreciated seeing characters from Dead Inside again and this book gets an extra half star just for that. But damn was the first part (up until about the 55/60% mark) wayyyyy too longggg. I seriously considered DNF’ing this several times before the gory bits started - I think that first part should have been way shorter, it was so repetitive and I couldn’t bring myself to care. The last 100 or so pages were much better and saved this book for me, though so far I’d say this was my least favourite by Chandler Morrison :(
I appreciated seeing characters from Dead Inside again and this book gets an extra half star just for that. But damn was the first part (up until about the 55/60% mark) wayyyyy too longggg. I seriously considered DNF’ing this several times before the gory bits started - I think that first part should have been way shorter, it was so repetitive and I couldn’t bring myself to care. The last 100 or so pages were much better and saved this book for me, though so far I’d say this was my least favourite by Chandler Morrison :(
February 1, 2021
I can't get enough of Morrison. He has quickly become one of my favorite writers!!
Dead Inside and now Hate To Feel......Which i might add that these two books have connections. Which is totally cool. Off to find more writing by this guy. I am hooked and can't get enough.
Happy Reading and Splatter On............
Dead Inside and now Hate To Feel......Which i might add that these two books have connections. Which is totally cool. Off to find more writing by this guy. I am hooked and can't get enough.
Happy Reading and Splatter On............
July 11, 2024
damn can’t believe i finished it, genuinely just 300 pages of misogyny-fuelled murders, the amount of times a woman was either called fat and ugly or a slut is insane and what is even worse is every woman described that way is deserving of death apparently?? anyways that was disappointing i will never trust a recommendation from anyone again LOL
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 7, 2023
The main character is a whiny little brat who I was annoyed with by page 10. The only reason I finished was because I’m not a quitter. Only redeeming part was the connection to Dead Inside…..NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR 3.2 GPA
Read
October 15, 2021i hate feelings too man
March 21, 2024
As always, Morrison tells a story you just can’t look away from. Fantastic.
January 22, 2023
"Hate To Feel" by Chandler Morrison
"And nothing can pull me out of it. No one extends a hand. All the others are too busy casually splashing about in their wading pools, with no fear of drowing. Yet, here I am, drowning every day."
Derek Diver is a data review specialist whose had his fair share of bad luck with love, but something about Scarlet seems different, IS different. The only problem is his girlfriend Amy that he no longer wants to be with, and Scarlet's super douche of a husband Bryce.
When things escalate to a full fledged love affair and then unexpectedly crash and burn, there are catastrophic consequences to Derek's life and the people in his life as well.
"When people express concern over your well-being, it's very rarely really genuine. They just want a reason to play amateur psudeo-psychologist. It's ego masturbation."
"You're always looking for a reason to fall apart."
This book was absolutely heart aching. While I acknowledge Derek is a psychopath and one hundred percent wrong for the things he chose to do, his feelings of suffering and loneliness and hate were all valid. Morrison has written this story in such a way that he digs deep at your emotions, makes you hate those feelings that rise to the surface when you find a passage you whole heartedly relate to. I felt many times while reading that Morrison stole a page from my own life and made it his own. The topics of sexual abuse/trauma, drug use, and lost relationships all resonated deep with inside of me. The chapter that Tamara details the relationship between her and her uncle while speaking to Derek ate away at my core. I kept saying, "Chandler, how on earth could you ever know these things?" Things so deep and raw that I almost couldn't admit the similarities.
"Maybe existence is just something to be suffered, not relished."
The passages between Derek and Jack, especially those about love and drug use were SO hard to get through. Having experienced my own profound loss of relationships and drug use, I couldn't agree more with so much that was said. Love is the ultimate sacrifice of self; you give away every piece of you to someone in hopes they won't stomp the beauty out of your soul and most times you just lose yourself along the way while they never appreciate any of you at all. Derek absolutely caused some, if not most, of his own pain. The same can be said about us as people as well though. I can very much see and understand how all those hurtful and resentful things caused the train reaction we get from this book and from Derek's character. And who knows, maybe that's what Morrison wanted all along, for us to hate to feel.
"I'm a miserable, coke-addled, pill-popping alcoholic. I'm living proof. And I use the word 'living very loosely. So, no, Vera didn't do this to me. But my love for her did."
Morrison doesn't get nearly enough love for this book. I know he's known for his incredibly controversial "Dead Inside", and it's an amazing book, no shade there. BUT Morrison is MORE than THE SCENE in the abortion clinic. His writing is magical and profound. It's life changing. And this book is life changing. This is the book to read, this is the book that needs talked about as much as THE SCENE. Definitely read "Dead Inside", but maybe start here first. See what Morrison is really about, because this story is deep. There are no satiric's in this story. This is real life and it fucking hurts.
"Why is it the things that give us the most pleasure, the things that make life manageable, aren't sustainable?"
I wondered A LOT while I read this how much of the story and setting was based off Morrison's own experiences living in L.A. I find it hard to believe some of this isn't a piece of his own heart beating off the paper, allowing us a glimpse into his own soul. If it's not, I don't want to know.
"But beauty isn't everything, Derek, and that's all you really have.
"And nothing can pull me out of it. No one extends a hand. All the others are too busy casually splashing about in their wading pools, with no fear of drowing. Yet, here I am, drowning every day."
Derek Diver is a data review specialist whose had his fair share of bad luck with love, but something about Scarlet seems different, IS different. The only problem is his girlfriend Amy that he no longer wants to be with, and Scarlet's super douche of a husband Bryce.
When things escalate to a full fledged love affair and then unexpectedly crash and burn, there are catastrophic consequences to Derek's life and the people in his life as well.
"When people express concern over your well-being, it's very rarely really genuine. They just want a reason to play amateur psudeo-psychologist. It's ego masturbation."
"You're always looking for a reason to fall apart."
This book was absolutely heart aching. While I acknowledge Derek is a psychopath and one hundred percent wrong for the things he chose to do, his feelings of suffering and loneliness and hate were all valid. Morrison has written this story in such a way that he digs deep at your emotions, makes you hate those feelings that rise to the surface when you find a passage you whole heartedly relate to. I felt many times while reading that Morrison stole a page from my own life and made it his own. The topics of sexual abuse/trauma, drug use, and lost relationships all resonated deep with inside of me. The chapter that Tamara details the relationship between her and her uncle while speaking to Derek ate away at my core. I kept saying, "Chandler, how on earth could you ever know these things?" Things so deep and raw that I almost couldn't admit the similarities.
"Maybe existence is just something to be suffered, not relished."
The passages between Derek and Jack, especially those about love and drug use were SO hard to get through. Having experienced my own profound loss of relationships and drug use, I couldn't agree more with so much that was said. Love is the ultimate sacrifice of self; you give away every piece of you to someone in hopes they won't stomp the beauty out of your soul and most times you just lose yourself along the way while they never appreciate any of you at all. Derek absolutely caused some, if not most, of his own pain. The same can be said about us as people as well though. I can very much see and understand how all those hurtful and resentful things caused the train reaction we get from this book and from Derek's character. And who knows, maybe that's what Morrison wanted all along, for us to hate to feel.
"I'm a miserable, coke-addled, pill-popping alcoholic. I'm living proof. And I use the word 'living very loosely. So, no, Vera didn't do this to me. But my love for her did."
Morrison doesn't get nearly enough love for this book. I know he's known for his incredibly controversial "Dead Inside", and it's an amazing book, no shade there. BUT Morrison is MORE than THE SCENE in the abortion clinic. His writing is magical and profound. It's life changing. And this book is life changing. This is the book to read, this is the book that needs talked about as much as THE SCENE. Definitely read "Dead Inside", but maybe start here first. See what Morrison is really about, because this story is deep. There are no satiric's in this story. This is real life and it fucking hurts.
"Why is it the things that give us the most pleasure, the things that make life manageable, aren't sustainable?"
I wondered A LOT while I read this how much of the story and setting was based off Morrison's own experiences living in L.A. I find it hard to believe some of this isn't a piece of his own heart beating off the paper, allowing us a glimpse into his own soul. If it's not, I don't want to know.
"But beauty isn't everything, Derek, and that's all you really have.
January 4, 2022
What's it about?
Derek Diver is infatuated with a married coworker and has yet to remember the previous lessons heartbreak gave him. When he doesn't want to feel any longer, how far will he go to numb the pain?
The plot in this is on the unique side, creating uncertainty with exactly where it's going. It is ultimately, for the first half, him trying to develop a romantic relationship with Scarlett, his married coworker. It's divided into acts with chapters in between them, sectioned off in the different stages of his journey which is entirely appropriate. Anyways, after heartbreak ensues one way or another (I ain't spoiling anything as per usual friends), he finds a murderous way to numb the pain. From there it doesn't necessarily seem to have an end goal, it's more so about his journey to not feel his emotions as intensely. I'm not gonna lie though, I was a little disappointed with the ending which is why it got dropped down to four stars. Yes, I liked the humor of the ending, it was awesome. But I wanted it go out with a bang (okay, maybe I'm too focused on "Dead Inside" and the way it wrapped up). Perhaps in true Chandler Morrison fashion, I was expecting more for the last chapter. Regardless, it remains a fun twist.
Derek Diver is our main character and he's potentially just as fucked up as our narrator from "Dead Inside", an impressive task. They even meet! He's someone who feels things too deeply and is tired of his emotions eating him alive on a daily basis. He'd do anything to not feel like this anymore and is desperate to find a way to numb it out on a long-term, if not permanent basis. Each heartbreak is ruining him. So when he finds the one thing that erases his pain, he faces the monster within and embraces it. We do dive into a few supporting characters, such as his friend Jack, his sister April, and Scarlett, the one he admires from the office. However, there isn't nearly as much to their development and this works in the story's case.
Scare Rating: 6 out of 10. There's a super gory scene in the last third of the book that even had me cringing and needing to take quick pauses. Holy shit it was bad but...so freaking good. I can handle a lot of gore and shock factors but it went above and beyond (of course I loved it!). However, the rest of this isn't all too scary. Keep in mind that this is NOT for sensitive readers and there are sexual stories and descriptions that would be a trigger for some people.
Can I just mention the Dead Inside easter eggs real quick throughout this was amazing?! I fucking adored it. As per usual, I enjoy Morrison's usual approach to a humorous narrator that you're bound to dislike but be intrigued by to the point where you'd be down for a book two.
I'd recommend this to splatterpunk fans, those looking for a tragic & dark love story, and those that don't believe happily ever should exist in everything you read.
4 stars
Derek Diver is infatuated with a married coworker and has yet to remember the previous lessons heartbreak gave him. When he doesn't want to feel any longer, how far will he go to numb the pain?
The plot in this is on the unique side, creating uncertainty with exactly where it's going. It is ultimately, for the first half, him trying to develop a romantic relationship with Scarlett, his married coworker. It's divided into acts with chapters in between them, sectioned off in the different stages of his journey which is entirely appropriate. Anyways, after heartbreak ensues one way or another (I ain't spoiling anything as per usual friends), he finds a murderous way to numb the pain. From there it doesn't necessarily seem to have an end goal, it's more so about his journey to not feel his emotions as intensely. I'm not gonna lie though, I was a little disappointed with the ending which is why it got dropped down to four stars. Yes, I liked the humor of the ending, it was awesome. But I wanted it go out with a bang (okay, maybe I'm too focused on "Dead Inside" and the way it wrapped up). Perhaps in true Chandler Morrison fashion, I was expecting more for the last chapter. Regardless, it remains a fun twist.
Derek Diver is our main character and he's potentially just as fucked up as our narrator from "Dead Inside", an impressive task. They even meet! He's someone who feels things too deeply and is tired of his emotions eating him alive on a daily basis. He'd do anything to not feel like this anymore and is desperate to find a way to numb it out on a long-term, if not permanent basis. Each heartbreak is ruining him. So when he finds the one thing that erases his pain, he faces the monster within and embraces it. We do dive into a few supporting characters, such as his friend Jack, his sister April, and Scarlett, the one he admires from the office. However, there isn't nearly as much to their development and this works in the story's case.
Scare Rating: 6 out of 10. There's a super gory scene in the last third of the book that even had me cringing and needing to take quick pauses. Holy shit it was bad but...so freaking good. I can handle a lot of gore and shock factors but it went above and beyond (of course I loved it!). However, the rest of this isn't all too scary. Keep in mind that this is NOT for sensitive readers and there are sexual stories and descriptions that would be a trigger for some people.
Can I just mention the Dead Inside easter eggs real quick throughout this was amazing?! I fucking adored it. As per usual, I enjoy Morrison's usual approach to a humorous narrator that you're bound to dislike but be intrigued by to the point where you'd be down for a book two.
I'd recommend this to splatterpunk fans, those looking for a tragic & dark love story, and those that don't believe happily ever should exist in everything you read.
4 stars
Read
August 25, 2020Okay well first off, I now understand why all of Morrison's book reference Ohio and take place largely in Cleveland and I love that connection. I don't wanna say too much for spoilers.
I'm not sure how to rate this book to be honest. Once again, all the characters are hypocritical and awful, but at the same time, readers wouldn't get the juicy story if they were good, decent characters, so here we are.
I will say, Derek Diver is the definition of a little bitch. Of all the characteristics I find repulsive about him, his slut shaming and woman hating is what I detest most. He is completely judgemental of his sister's promiscuity, but admits at one point in the book he can't even remember all the names and faces of the women he sleeps with. He refuses to take responsibility for his own problems and instead insists that it's all the women who break his heart are at fault. He has ample time and money, but his constitution and ambition are so weak he hardly knows what to do with himself besides chain smoke, drink, and masturbate while he cries.
And yet, I do find myself being sympathetic to his cause. I find myself sympathetic to the notion that some people really cannot cope with their emotional turmoil and it manifests itself in ugly ways.
Yes there were terrible women in this book and yes he was hurt, but the fact that he judges women and hates them for the same toxic behaviors him and all his friends have, well frankly it makes no sense. Especially, since he will largely forgive his male friends for being whores, but not women for being whores... Double standards?
I am convinced all of Morrison's characters suffer from some untreated psychological illness and they try and cope with various techniques, including murder and then we are gifted with these monstrous, but yet engaging, fascinating books.
I'm not sure how to rate this book to be honest. Once again, all the characters are hypocritical and awful, but at the same time, readers wouldn't get the juicy story if they were good, decent characters, so here we are.
I will say, Derek Diver is the definition of a little bitch. Of all the characteristics I find repulsive about him, his slut shaming and woman hating is what I detest most. He is completely judgemental of his sister's promiscuity, but admits at one point in the book he can't even remember all the names and faces of the women he sleeps with. He refuses to take responsibility for his own problems and instead insists that it's all the women who break his heart are at fault. He has ample time and money, but his constitution and ambition are so weak he hardly knows what to do with himself besides chain smoke, drink, and masturbate while he cries.
And yet, I do find myself being sympathetic to his cause. I find myself sympathetic to the notion that some people really cannot cope with their emotional turmoil and it manifests itself in ugly ways.
Yes there were terrible women in this book and yes he was hurt, but the fact that he judges women and hates them for the same toxic behaviors him and all his friends have, well frankly it makes no sense. Especially, since he will largely forgive his male friends for being whores, but not women for being whores... Double standards?
I am convinced all of Morrison's characters suffer from some untreated psychological illness and they try and cope with various techniques, including murder and then we are gifted with these monstrous, but yet engaging, fascinating books.
November 26, 2023
A book about how what you want isn’t what you need. Atleast that my interpretation, as almost every character wants something, cannot get it, and uses excess to replace thier lack of what they need. The charcter of Derek being the perfect exaample, being a... almost incel fantasy of a man who can fight without previous training, can get any women he wants, brags endlessly about his intellect and has seemingly endless supply of money. Yet he, by his own choices and free will fucks up almost everything in his life because of his toxic and horrific world veiw and from him think of women as accessories not people. His cycle of masterbatory self pity is wonderfully charcterized in tge motif of his obsession with MTV and hallmark movies. And the fact that what starts the murder ball rolling is when he sees kids doing what he did when he was genuinely happy and didn't have the ego the size of the sun was beautiful and simply some of the best Charcter writing I've seen In a while.
I try not to spoil in my review but, I really liked this book. Overall it's not Morrisons best, this was right before he realized splatter punk wasn't his style so it's bogged down with gore filler but as you can see by the stars, far from his best is still pretty freaking good. And I'm glad he realized his writing was best with charcters not gore.
I try not to spoil in my review but, I really liked this book. Overall it's not Morrisons best, this was right before he realized splatter punk wasn't his style so it's bogged down with gore filler but as you can see by the stars, far from his best is still pretty freaking good. And I'm glad he realized his writing was best with charcters not gore.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 29, 2023
Chandler Morrison is brilliant.
I am off cry into a Katy Perry concert shirt while playing Enya just because it’s over.
Into the fave authors club you go.
This book deserves a masterclass review (past my abilities to do well enough) but to do that this one would require a novella in of itself.
There is SO much more in this than it being just an extreme / splatterpunk horror novel. But you can also read it at a more face value and just go holy f balls too.
All the stars. …..and triggers to match it.
I am off to read my notes and highlights. I drained my kindle with this book so hard. However I’m not sure if I can ever eat Cookies and Cream again without this book being it’s inevitable conversation destination.
Side note I have a friend who would be impressed by your solid use of verbs and nouns regarding particular bodily fluids and experiences. For many that matters a lot.
This was the third book I’ve read from Chandler and it will not be the last.
I’d say reading dead inside before (or after would be fun too) this is almost a must.
Praise be to sunglasses too ha!
I am off cry into a Katy Perry concert shirt while playing Enya just because it’s over.
Into the fave authors club you go.
This book deserves a masterclass review (past my abilities to do well enough) but to do that this one would require a novella in of itself.
There is SO much more in this than it being just an extreme / splatterpunk horror novel. But you can also read it at a more face value and just go holy f balls too.
All the stars. …..and triggers to match it.
I am off to read my notes and highlights. I drained my kindle with this book so hard. However I’m not sure if I can ever eat Cookies and Cream again without this book being it’s inevitable conversation destination.
Side note I have a friend who would be impressed by your solid use of verbs and nouns regarding particular bodily fluids and experiences. For many that matters a lot.
This was the third book I’ve read from Chandler and it will not be the last.
I’d say reading dead inside before (or after would be fun too) this is almost a must.
Praise be to sunglasses too ha!
January 10, 2022
Shortly after reading Dead Inside, I decided to read all of Chandler Morrison's books. I am yet to be disappointed.
Derek is a sweet, introverted guy who struggles with intrusive thoughts. He falls for Scarlet, his co-worker, but she is married. He decides to have an affair with her anyway, thinking that she'll leave her husband for him. Derek is wrong.
Derek longs to not feel, to be numb all of the time. He finds this numbness after killing three teenagers outside with a rock, a murder that was not at all planned. But the numbness never stays, and he keeps killing in order to keep that feeling.
There is also a minor satanic subplot where Derek was directed by a friend to go to a house to get laid, but instead there is a ritual performed. A man appears out of nowhere, supposedly the devil. He makes a few appearances here and there, but the only important one is near the end, where he gets Derek to sign a contract.
A surprise appearance from the security guard in Dead Inside is there, and the connection between Derek and Helen (the nurse in Dead Inside) is revealed.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 21, 2022
This is ultimately the story of a guy who seems to always fall in love hard with the wrong people. He just wants to not feel any more and his way of numbing himself is not in the traditional route of alcohol or drugs. In the end, he wants to be dead inside and this is his journey to that.
I'll say it - the main character has a hard time garnering sympathy if you really think about who he is. He's a 20 something trust fund baby who doesn't need to work, but who does because it's what he's supposed to do and he needs to "participate in society." But as the old adage goes, money can't buy you happiness and Derek is certainly depressed. He is absolutely an edgelord and I think CM has a penchant for making his main characters all that way.
In the end, it's still sad and gruesome. The climax is just as gory as you'd expect from a man just on the cusp of snapping. The writing is superb and angsty and Derek's nihilistic stream of consciousness is darkly humorous while also depressing. And if you've read Dead Inside (and enjoyed it, might I add) you'll appreciate the nods to that book. IYKYK
I'll say it - the main character has a hard time garnering sympathy if you really think about who he is. He's a 20 something trust fund baby who doesn't need to work, but who does because it's what he's supposed to do and he needs to "participate in society." But as the old adage goes, money can't buy you happiness and Derek is certainly depressed. He is absolutely an edgelord and I think CM has a penchant for making his main characters all that way.
In the end, it's still sad and gruesome. The climax is just as gory as you'd expect from a man just on the cusp of snapping. The writing is superb and angsty and Derek's nihilistic stream of consciousness is darkly humorous while also depressing. And if you've read Dead Inside (and enjoyed it, might I add) you'll appreciate the nods to that book. IYKYK
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 4, 2023
Oh my. Derek is empty. And it takes 50% of the book for him to realize that he brings it on himself. And another 25% of the book to realize that brutally murdering someone, anyone, to find a lovely balance in apathy.
A. The murder scenes are SO detailed. I was able to read Dead Inside and appreciate it, but damn, this one got me.
B. I hated all the characters. I didn't like any of their interactions. It was hard to find someone to root for when you loathe everyone.
C. I loved the Dead Inside crossovers. Loved it.
D. I am fat, so I had a difficult time with how vehemently he felt about fat people. I get it, it added to the story. I am not ashamed of who I am, so lucky I was largely (lol) unaffected. But it did get close to striking some nerves.
A. The murder scenes are SO detailed. I was able to read Dead Inside and appreciate it, but damn, this one got me.
B. I hated all the characters. I didn't like any of their interactions. It was hard to find someone to root for when you loathe everyone.
C. I loved the Dead Inside crossovers. Loved it.
D. I am fat, so I had a difficult time with how vehemently he felt about fat people. I get it, it added to the story. I am not ashamed of who I am, so lucky I was largely (lol) unaffected. But it did get close to striking some nerves.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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