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Love's Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities
The issues that make monogamous dating daunting for people of color—shaming and exclusion by white partners, being fetishized, having realities of everyday racism ignored—occur in polyamorous relationships too, and trying “not to see race” only makes it worse. To make polyamorous communities inclusive, we must all acknowledge our part in perpetuating racism and listen to people of color. Love's Not Color Blind puts forward the framework—through research, anecdotal testimony, and analogy—for understanding, identifying, and confronting racism within polyamorous communities.
184 pages, Paperback
First published March 30, 2018
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 66 reviews
March 8, 2018
THIS.....BOOK......RIGHT...HERE!!! (inserts slow clap) I've been waiting to read this since hearing about it last year. I thought finally Yesss, Someone talking about the problems of race within polyamory and other alternative communities which I do belong in.
First can we just talk about the Forward by Ruby Bouie Johnson though??!!! Sis, really came through. Yup I'm about to be real black on this review. I already admire her from just hearing her speak on previous occasions within the poly community so when I read her forward it set the tone for the whole book. It fed my soul and made this atheist want to go back to my old church and do a praise dance and run a few laps around the sanctuary. That's just how good I felt throughout this WHOLE book. Some of her quotes that got me were:
"A book about the poly amorous experience written by a black man just happened in 2017. This is a historical moment"
"Black people have been spectators to the white experience long enough. Kevin fills a much needed gap in the literature within the poly community
I made a status update just 22 pages in about how this book was making me get my whole entire life, and it was. I had to nod my head to SO much in this book. So much that most people in the alternative communities don't know about inclusion. I've personally experienced in the BDSM community both online and in real life. I've been one of the only few black women there who just so happened to have a friend (another black women who I refer to as my "sub sister) there to support and have fun but of course I've been met with the fetishization of me and my body as a black women. Kevin speaks about this in length in his chapter on fetishization.
I've dog eared several pages that I wanted to talk about that really resonated with me like always being the "ambassador" of polyamory to my non-poly or mono relatives. It's really irritating that I'm always that one, the face of polyamory so to speak. I know a few of my friends or relatives may say yeah Jai's into that "white people shit" which he discusses in the book as well. I nearly died laughing when he said that because I've heard that about almost everything I like to do, but oh well I won't take up too much time on that topic.
A few things that Kevin does that I absolutely love about this book is he says in the first few chapters of the book about how much privileged he has a cisgendered heterosexual male. He recognized that privilege he had right there and that's very important and sadly most non POC can't recognize this how their race and privilege effects people. For the most part it's a negative effect. I seriously wish I could post every single quote and thing that hit home. I just nodded my head through so much of it, like yup he gets it. He absolutely gets it. Some of the other topics he discusses is Intentional communities, othering, white feminism in polyamory, fostering inclusion in poly to name a few.
These topics definitely need to be addressed all the time, not just in polyamory and alternative communities. I don't know how many countless discussion, journal entries and group posts that I've read in online forums about racism, stereotyping and fetishization. It's a sad sad state of affairs but is pretty common and of course those people who do it don't even realize they're doing it and when confronted make up every excuse not "to own their shit" as stated in the book. Hey everyone can't and won't grow, I learned that a long time ago.
I'm going to end this review with another quote that resonated with me. " If you aren't being actively inclusive, you are being passively exclusionary"
First can we just talk about the Forward by Ruby Bouie Johnson though??!!! Sis, really came through. Yup I'm about to be real black on this review. I already admire her from just hearing her speak on previous occasions within the poly community so when I read her forward it set the tone for the whole book. It fed my soul and made this atheist want to go back to my old church and do a praise dance and run a few laps around the sanctuary. That's just how good I felt throughout this WHOLE book. Some of her quotes that got me were:
"A book about the poly amorous experience written by a black man just happened in 2017. This is a historical moment"
"Black people have been spectators to the white experience long enough. Kevin fills a much needed gap in the literature within the poly community
I made a status update just 22 pages in about how this book was making me get my whole entire life, and it was. I had to nod my head to SO much in this book. So much that most people in the alternative communities don't know about inclusion. I've personally experienced in the BDSM community both online and in real life. I've been one of the only few black women there who just so happened to have a friend (another black women who I refer to as my "sub sister) there to support and have fun but of course I've been met with the fetishization of me and my body as a black women. Kevin speaks about this in length in his chapter on fetishization.
I've dog eared several pages that I wanted to talk about that really resonated with me like always being the "ambassador" of polyamory to my non-poly or mono relatives. It's really irritating that I'm always that one, the face of polyamory so to speak. I know a few of my friends or relatives may say yeah Jai's into that "white people shit" which he discusses in the book as well. I nearly died laughing when he said that because I've heard that about almost everything I like to do, but oh well I won't take up too much time on that topic.
A few things that Kevin does that I absolutely love about this book is he says in the first few chapters of the book about how much privileged he has a cisgendered heterosexual male. He recognized that privilege he had right there and that's very important and sadly most non POC can't recognize this how their race and privilege effects people. For the most part it's a negative effect. I seriously wish I could post every single quote and thing that hit home. I just nodded my head through so much of it, like yup he gets it. He absolutely gets it. Some of the other topics he discusses is Intentional communities, othering, white feminism in polyamory, fostering inclusion in poly to name a few.
These topics definitely need to be addressed all the time, not just in polyamory and alternative communities. I don't know how many countless discussion, journal entries and group posts that I've read in online forums about racism, stereotyping and fetishization. It's a sad sad state of affairs but is pretty common and of course those people who do it don't even realize they're doing it and when confronted make up every excuse not "to own their shit" as stated in the book. Hey everyone can't and won't grow, I learned that a long time ago.
I'm going to end this review with another quote that resonated with me. " If you aren't being actively inclusive, you are being passively exclusionary"
March 18, 2018
If you are a white person involved in alternative communities, especially if you are in any kind of leadership role. this is a book you need to read. (Actually, if you are ANY race, color, or description, you'd probably learn a fair bit from this book.)
Intentionally built communities have so many moving parts, it is easy to overlook viewpoints and life experiences we don't personally have. The author points out:
"Without acknowledging the variety of the human experience, all you get is the perspective of majority representation, which is mostly white and male and straight and able-bodied and cisgender and 'traditionally' attractive. None of those things are inherently negative... but neither are their alternatives. So, all deserve some spotlight."
My life is so much richer because of those in it who are NOT mirror images of me. Purely from selfishness, I want more!
Disclaimer: I'm acquainted with the author on social media, I've been featured on his blog, and we've met in real life.
This book is well organized, each chapter flows well and brings up good points, interspersed with real life anecdotes. It's a little uncomfortable in spots - but if you're privileged (as I am in some ways, not so much in others), welp, we SHOULD be uncomfortable sometimes. It closes with a call to action most of us may want to embrace:
"Include and project the voices of underrepresented people in the spaces where their access is limited. Go love, and build, and restore, and speak, and engage, and create. Go be better and do better."
Intentionally built communities have so many moving parts, it is easy to overlook viewpoints and life experiences we don't personally have. The author points out:
"Without acknowledging the variety of the human experience, all you get is the perspective of majority representation, which is mostly white and male and straight and able-bodied and cisgender and 'traditionally' attractive. None of those things are inherently negative... but neither are their alternatives. So, all deserve some spotlight."
My life is so much richer because of those in it who are NOT mirror images of me. Purely from selfishness, I want more!
Disclaimer: I'm acquainted with the author on social media, I've been featured on his blog, and we've met in real life.
This book is well organized, each chapter flows well and brings up good points, interspersed with real life anecdotes. It's a little uncomfortable in spots - but if you're privileged (as I am in some ways, not so much in others), welp, we SHOULD be uncomfortable sometimes. It closes with a call to action most of us may want to embrace:
"Include and project the voices of underrepresented people in the spaces where their access is limited. Go love, and build, and restore, and speak, and engage, and create. Go be better and do better."
April 14, 2018
The analogies and information in this book should hit every polyamorous person in their core. It is helpful to have descriptions of what it feels like to be a polyamorous person in a monogamous world used to illustrate what it feels like to be a person of color both in the wider world, and in polyamorous circles specifically. It is so clear, concise, and relatable, that, having read it, there is just no excuse left for continued ignorance. My favorite part about the book is that after explaining these racial issues, the author presents strategies for improving inclusivity in our communities. It is helpful that these steps are separated for white people and people of color since we obviously have very different roles to play in this process. I would recommend this book to anyone who wants to make the world a better place but isn't sure where to start.
February 7, 2018
Some readers of Love’s Not Colorblind might find the lack of basic, simple explanations of polyamory and its variations a bit frustrating... however this book was not written for novices. This is not a polyamory 101 book, it’s a more in depth sociological approach to the issue of racial homogeneity within the Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) community.
That being said, this book should not be written off as being exclusively for the polyamorous world. It addresses the problems hindering diversity (of race, gender, sexual orientation, class, mental and physical health, etc.) in alternative spaces with an eye toward universal truths such as barriers to entry, tokenism, forced ambassadorship and fetishization.
The writing style is decidedly informal; so it reads in a very conversational, idiomatic tone. Some readers may appreciate this and others might find it too informal. Personally, I enjoyed the overall relaxed feel of the book.
I would recommend Love’s Not Colorblind to those who are looking for reasons why there are so few people of color at their events and in their community networks... and seeking to remedy that issue.
That being said, this book should not be written off as being exclusively for the polyamorous world. It addresses the problems hindering diversity (of race, gender, sexual orientation, class, mental and physical health, etc.) in alternative spaces with an eye toward universal truths such as barriers to entry, tokenism, forced ambassadorship and fetishization.
The writing style is decidedly informal; so it reads in a very conversational, idiomatic tone. Some readers may appreciate this and others might find it too informal. Personally, I enjoyed the overall relaxed feel of the book.
I would recommend Love’s Not Colorblind to those who are looking for reasons why there are so few people of color at their events and in their community networks... and seeking to remedy that issue.
April 26, 2018
This book spoke to my experience as a black polyamorous person maneuvering the mostly white polyamorous community in so many ways. Humorous, insightful, honest, inspiring. A great read for group facilitators and leaders to read on how to be intentional about having diverse and culturally inclusive safe spaces. Loved it.
April 28, 2018
Kevin A. Patterson's book is the next essential book on non-monogamy, as well as an excellent primer on how to build more thoughtful, open, inclusive, intersectional alternative communities.
A must read.
A must read.
April 30, 2018
Though written towards people embedded in non-monogamous communities, Kevin Patterson’s book opens up rich questions an opportunities for all of us. How can we actively change culture, rather than stand by and hope it gets better? How does racism effect our communities, and each of us specifically? How can we have fun along the way?
Whether you are part of polyamory circles or any sort of non-classical relationship community, this book is for you. Every one of you. We needed this book, and I’m glad to see it available for everyone - and it’s an easy and engaging read too, which helps all of us as well. Great inclusion of multiple voices and perspectives and playful engagement too.
Whether you are part of polyamory circles or any sort of non-classical relationship community, this book is for you. Every one of you. We needed this book, and I’m glad to see it available for everyone - and it’s an easy and engaging read too, which helps all of us as well. Great inclusion of multiple voices and perspectives and playful engagement too.
July 10, 2022
I wanted to love this book but I just didn't. There wasn't much strategy behind it. It felt more like blog posts and a diary. I could sense the desired message of the book but I wanted to be shown it not told it. I wanted more.
I thought it would be about race and representation in polyamorous communities... not black vs white in the United States. There was no or very little commentary on Latin or Asian or other races.
I thought there would be more data or insights from unbiased perspectives.
I thought it would give more discussion on acceptance of polyamory and interracial (or not) relationships.
I was disappointed. It did not practice what it preached.
I thought it would be about race and representation in polyamorous communities... not black vs white in the United States. There was no or very little commentary on Latin or Asian or other races.
I thought there would be more data or insights from unbiased perspectives.
I thought it would give more discussion on acceptance of polyamory and interracial (or not) relationships.
I was disappointed. It did not practice what it preached.
February 7, 2018
Building on his workshop and adding voices of polyamorous leaders, writers, and community members, Kevin Patterson has created something unique to the canon of literature on polyamory: a book that tackles the intersecting race issues that rarely get any attention from the (primarily white) community as a whole.
Kevin lays out the whys and hows and even some of the fixes, both for white polyamorists and polyamorists of color, in a clear, insightful, and occasionally laugh-out-loud way.
My one issue with this book was the editing. Hoping that'll get cleared up in future editions.
Kevin lays out the whys and hows and even some of the fixes, both for white polyamorists and polyamorists of color, in a clear, insightful, and occasionally laugh-out-loud way.
My one issue with this book was the editing. Hoping that'll get cleared up in future editions.
March 20, 2020
I loved this book. It’s a quick read, incredibly insightful, and puts things in a very easy to understand way. I strongly recommend it; to those who are polyamorous (POCs and especially non-POCs) as well as those considering exploring polyamory.
June 5, 2022
“If a group isn’t being actively inclusive, it’s being passively exclusive.”
May 24, 2022
"When you victim-blame, be aware that in all likelihood, at least one woman you know and love silently decides she cannot trust you." If I could rewrite that tweet in reference to people of color, it would be focused around the use of people of color as shields. Believe me when i say that that black friend feels the same way, and is making those same decisions, when they find themselves used a defense against an accusation of real or imagined racism.
This is a very insightful book, and a very easy read. I liked the informal language and the different views - not only on race but feminism, disabilities, privilege, self-care, etc. Patterson acknowledges his own privileges while showing his disadvantages through his own experiences. He speaks personally and professionally and with others in mind.
Leaders should especially read this but everyone can take away from this. However, if you are looking for more information about polyamory in specific then there are other places to start. As the title suggests, this is mostly about race and representation for minorities and that lived experience.
[...]we also need to cast off the idea that having a person of color as a friend, lover, acquaintance, spouse, child, coworker, etc., is a way to prove that racism is someone else's problem.
Misogynists have no problem dating, loving, marrying, or fucking women, all the while remaining misogynists. The same is true with the issues surrounding race and racism.
I loved this. It's so encouraging.
Take care of yourself in the way that makes the most sense for you. Create a circle of trusted friends who you can be yourself around. Schedule quiet alone time for yourself. Cultivate a hobby that you find fulfillment in. Get some exercise. Replace all your socks. No one is expecting you or anyone else to be a 24/7 crusader for any cause. So prioritize your self-care. And when you're ready, get back at it.
July 16, 2020
Although I'm not active in any polyam or kinky communities I wanted to read this one for a long time (I'm polyam, though).
It's exactly what the title says: It covers topics like exclusion/inclusion, fetishization, othering, classism, tokenism, the fact that PoC always have to represent themselves better and watch out because people tend to critizise them faster & the trust in communities and events.
"If a group isn't being actively inclusive, it's being passively exclusive."
It was a very informative read, wether you're active in polyam communities or not, because I think the issues appear in every kind of community and every dating model too, so I can really recommend it to everyone. If you're active in polyam communities it's a must read for sure. I can only give the perspective of a white reader here: You never know who you or your friends are going to date in the future and being informed about all of this and working at yourself is not only good but necessary.
It's exactly what the title says: It covers topics like exclusion/inclusion, fetishization, othering, classism, tokenism, the fact that PoC always have to represent themselves better and watch out because people tend to critizise them faster & the trust in communities and events.
"If a group isn't being actively inclusive, it's being passively exclusive."
It was a very informative read, wether you're active in polyam communities or not, because I think the issues appear in every kind of community and every dating model too, so I can really recommend it to everyone. If you're active in polyam communities it's a must read for sure. I can only give the perspective of a white reader here: You never know who you or your friends are going to date in the future and being informed about all of this and working at yourself is not only good but necessary.
May 27, 2024
This was interesting, and bonus points since the author's Canadian.
While the main focus is on how difficult it is to find POC representation (or even bring up the lack there of) in Polyamorous groups, this could apply to a lot of communities as well.
Not being a part of the Poly community, I enjoyed learning more, flaws and all.
I think the most interesting part was the pushback POC received when bringing up their discomfort at the whitewash of the community.
Before reading this I would have assumed a more niche community (who deals with a lot of judgement on the regular for their lifestyle) would have an easier time grasping the concept of discrimination/discomfort, and be more willing to fix it.
This is entertaining, while still being informative and open.
The authors own experiences, sprinkled with other members of the Poly community's stories, we get a well rounded look at what it's been like for POC in the Poly Community and how change is slowly coming thanks to people like Kevin.
While the main focus is on how difficult it is to find POC representation (or even bring up the lack there of) in Polyamorous groups, this could apply to a lot of communities as well.
Not being a part of the Poly community, I enjoyed learning more, flaws and all.
I think the most interesting part was the pushback POC received when bringing up their discomfort at the whitewash of the community.
Before reading this I would have assumed a more niche community (who deals with a lot of judgement on the regular for their lifestyle) would have an easier time grasping the concept of discrimination/discomfort, and be more willing to fix it.
This is entertaining, while still being informative and open.
The authors own experiences, sprinkled with other members of the Poly community's stories, we get a well rounded look at what it's been like for POC in the Poly Community and how change is slowly coming thanks to people like Kevin.
November 22, 2018
This book contains great advice for any community that would like to be more inclusive in its philosophy, even though it is geared towards polyamory in particular. The author points out a lot of difficult to elucidate facts about the intersection between race and various aspects of interacting with individual people and with organized events that are apparent to any member of a marginalized community, but might be invisible to non-marginalized people, or people who do not experience that particular type of marginalization. I appreciated that the author sought to include non-cisgendered, non-male, and non-straight voices as well without trying to talk over them or misappropriate their stories for his own purposes. Overall, it's very well written (though a little essay-like in some places).
January 8, 2019
Kevin's writing style is supremely easy to read and lends itself well to making what he has to say easier to absorb and parse.
This is a great resource for Non-Monogamy and Polyamory community leaders. It's not a how to (physical) book, it's a how to (mental) book. How to see what your current actions and thinking result in, how to evaluate and adjust that. But not how to (magically) make your communities more diverse in # easy steps. As Kevin goes in to routinely in the book, that's just now how this works.
Good book, good resource, good reading. Would recommend.
This is a great resource for Non-Monogamy and Polyamory community leaders. It's not a how to (physical) book, it's a how to (mental) book. How to see what your current actions and thinking result in, how to evaluate and adjust that. But not how to (magically) make your communities more diverse in # easy steps. As Kevin goes in to routinely in the book, that's just now how this works.
Good book, good resource, good reading. Would recommend.
July 5, 2023
This book was so valuable to read. As a white, queer, neurodivergent person, this book felt simultaneously affirming and challenging. I just finished the book a minute ago, so I need some more time to process. But wow, do yourself a favor and read it (if you are ready to get introspective and ready to do better)!
One minus, I wish it was longer!
One minus, I wish it was longer!
January 9, 2019
While it didn't blow my mind, this book is full of very important perspectives on how polyamorous communities can build themselves in a way that's more inclusive, and why they should. Given how overwhelmingly white polyamorous community groups tend to be--especially in the Pacific Northwest--I think this is a critical read.
August 26, 2022
Excellent, excellent. I'm never going to look at organized events the same way again even outside of polyamorous groups. Also I greatly appreciated hearing what inclusivity means for people of color so that I can be more supportive of that. Hope to meet you some day Kevin Patterson!
September 1, 2020
A must-read for anyone in the polyam community. Read my full thoughts on it here: https://www.polyinplace.com/loves-not...
September 7, 2022
Straightforward, accessible, intersectional 😊 delivers on what it promises!
May 25, 2018
Well-relayed pointers & skills that could also be applied to other community organizing or leadership positions.
June 28, 2018
This was exactly the book I wanted to read -- an in-depth look at intersectional pressures and unintentional exclusivity within the poly community. Its lessons can be applied to plenty of organizations; I can apply them equally strongly (and equally importantly!) in the context of my civil liberties nonprofit. It doesn't bother to explain polyamory to you in detail, which I appreciated -- there are enough 101 books out there, we needed a sophisticated analysis of how to have more inclusive, welcoming, and diverse communities much more. Hats off to the author for a consistently excellent job in speaking in terms that are resonant to audiences of multiple backgrounds, engaging them empathetically in relation to his own experience and the experiences of the people he features and cites, and demonstrating how to be an excellent, mostly humble, and very funny leader by example. His fearless engagement of the perspectives of people both like and unlike himself is totally how you do that; way to walk the talk!
June 14, 2018
solid analysis, approachable, friendly writing style (very informal, easy to read), and incredibly important. this book is relevant to *any* community organizer who wants to diversify their event spaces, polyamorous or no. it is not a book about polyamory. it is a book about how communities treat each other, and how people of color are received in predominantly white spaces, and how to start changing that towards greater acceptance and understanding all around. the events section at the back is full of fantastic advice -- i feel, as a white event organizer, that i can take Patterson's suggestions directly from these pages to my events, and immediately begin doing better. this book is very timely and much-needed.
October 16, 2019
If you are looking for a 101 on racism, and how it can seep into the polyamorous community through fetishism, lack of inclusion etc, then this may be a helpful book for you. Especiallly if you are a white person or a poc looking for your experiences to be validated.
If you are, like me, looking for ways to deepen your understanding of how race can play a role in intimate relationships, especially outside of mononormativity, keep looking (and let me know when you find it).
If you are, like me, looking for ways to deepen your understanding of how race can play a role in intimate relationships, especially outside of mononormativity, keep looking (and let me know when you find it).
December 29, 2020
I was really excited about this book because I was excited to see a book that centers BIPOC voices in ENM and polyamory. I expected advice and connection on dating as a Black person, finding connection, and ways to navigate racist/sexist spaces. I also expected some pieces about Black love and what that can look like in an ENM context.
Instead I felt that this book was geared towards teaching white people about the Black experience in polyamory. Like that's fine, but just not what I expected!
Instead I felt that this book was geared towards teaching white people about the Black experience in polyamory. Like that's fine, but just not what I expected!
April 23, 2020
I absolutely loved this book! This was well thought out and very welcoming for everyone and I'd fully recommend it to everyone, not just poly-am people of color. The personal anecdotes added a lot to the rhetoric and I will definitely re-read this one when I search out resources. I hope to read more from this author soon!
October 14, 2019
A must-read for non-monogamous people engaging with other non-monogamous people in any way. It’s not enough to wish our communities were safe and diverse spaces, we need to do the work, and keep doing the work.
May 18, 2019
I’d recommend everyone who identifies as polyamorous or thinks polyam is for them to take in this book, especially if you are white cis able bodied person.
June 4, 2019
I enjoyed the book but did not find it "shattering" or that "informative" It read as a compilation of anecdotes and observations more useful to white people than to a person of color
Displaying 1 - 30 of 66 reviews