In late 1984, we were living in an apartment in Uppsala, Sweden. Our neighbor in the adjoining house was B, the charming director of the local theaterIn late 1984, we were living in an apartment in Uppsala, Sweden. Our neighbor in the adjoining house was B, the charming director of the local theater. He shared his apartment with his boyfriend M, a sulky, good looking young actor, and he also had a girlfriend who would sometimes stay over. Their bedroom was separated from ours by a thin wall; you could hear enough to get a fair idea of what was happening after they'd retired for the night. They all seemed to be having a remarkably good time.
B was an energetic and enterprising person. Not content with putting on bread-and-butter plays at Uppsalas Stadsteater - I remember seeing a rather nice production of Pygmalion - he wanted to try his hand at something edgier. He had a longstanding fascination with Gunnar Ekelöf, a mid-20th century Swedish surrealist author; in particular, he wanted to stage Diwan, Ekelöf's epic poem about a Byzantine prince who is tortured, castrated and blinded, but none the less manages to find a mystic inner peace. I imagine the theater considered the idea too speculative. Nothing deterred, B decided he would do it at home, with the help of his little ménage.
There's this memorable scene in Trainspotting where Ewan McGregor tells you why he does heroin. "Take the best orgasm you've ever had," he explains. "There's this memorable scene in Trainspotting where Ewan McGregor tells you why he does heroin. "Take the best orgasm you've ever had," he explains. "Multiply it by a thousand. Well, it's like that. We're not stupid you know." This book is similar, though aimed at a younger audience; like Trainspotting and Infinite Jest, it adopts the strategy of showing you both why the activity is so destructive and also why it's so enticing.
Max is about six and has become hooked on video games. At home, he does nothing but sit in front of the screen, controller in hand. His social circle no longer contains anyone except fellow game junkies. When he's forced to leave the house on his own, he takes his GameBoy with him and plays while walking. The cover illustration shows how insanely dangerous this is.
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I am applying for the position of Advertising Sales Director and I enclose a copy of my resume. I have no previous experience in advertDear Goodreads,
I am applying for the position of Advertising Sales Director and I enclose a copy of my resume. I have no previous experience in advertising or sales, but I hope you will view my qualifications from a broader perspective.
Goodreads, I understand Internet addiction. I know what it's like to get up at three in the morning because you can't sleep and your life is falling apart and how you log on to a useless shitty social networking site because you're too stressed out and brain-dead to be able to think of something more positive to do.
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It was some time during the summer of 19__ that I received an urgent telegram from Holmes. Arriving at 221B, Baker Street, I was struck by how little he had changed. He was older, to be sure; but his eye was as keen as ever, and his enthusiasm not one whit abated by the passage of the years.
"I trust you have brought your passport, Watson?" he said, in lieu of greeting. "We depart for Algeria this evening. The cab will be here momentarily."
"But Holmes!" I protested, as he hurried me down the stairs. "What -"
"We can discuss that once we are on the train," replied Holmes firmly. And, true to his word, he said no more until we were comfortably ensconced in the First Class carriage of the Dover Express.
"Now, Watson," said Holmes, after he had carefully packed and lit his pipe, "I wonder if you have heard of a young Frenchman called Saint-E_____. An author and aviator."
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NARRATOR: It is a truth universally acknowledged, that an impecunious father with four unmarried daughters is in urgent need of a magic nanny. And so it came to pass that Miss Mary Poppins took up residence in the Bennet household...
Scene 1
[Breakfast at the Bennets. The four sisters are laughing, talking loudly, reaching after toast etc]
MARY POPPINS: Lydia, don't slouch! Slouching is generally regarded as unbecoming in a young woman. Kitty, elbows off the table. And Lizzie, Mr. Collins is here and would like to speak with you. Alone.
[Everyone rapidly exits except LIZZIE and MARY POPPINS, who has unaccountably remained in her seat. Enter MR COLLINS]
MR COLLINS: Ah, Miss Bennet, I am sure that what I am about to say will come as a great surprise to you, given the difference in our respective social situations. Nevertheless...
LIZZIE: The answer is no.
MR COLLINS: I beg your pardon, Miss Bennet, but, since I have not yet posed my question, it is clearly impossible for you to answer it. What I was about to say...
LIZZIE: The answer is no, I don't want to marry you. I'd rather poison myself.
MARY POPPINS: Now Lizzie, you ought to think about this more carefully. [Music starts up in background] In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun! And suddenly - snap! - the job's a game! Then every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake, a laugh, a spree, it's very clear to see, that a spooonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, the medicine go down, the medicine go down...
[A glazed, hypnotised look has descended on LIZZIE's face. Like a sleepwalker, she hears herself say]
LIZZIE: In fact, Mr. Collins, I have reconsidered. I believe I will marry you after all.
MR COLLINS: I am pleased to hear it! Though, I must confess that I am less certain how Lady Catherine de Bourgh will take the news.
[The rest of the BENNET family, along with several animated dancing penguins, have entered and are embracing and congratulating the newly engaged couple]
Scene 2
[MR DARCY and MARY POPPINS. MR DARCY is pacing back and forward, evidently the prey of strong emotions]
MR DARCY: I know this will sound absurd, but I felt quite discomfited when I heard that Miss Bennet had married that ridiculous clergyman. I readily admit that I found her headstrong, opinionated, objectionable in the extreme. And yet... ah, I know not what it is that I wish to say. What does one say when there is nothing to say?
MARY POPPINS: Well, I'd like to point out that Miss Bennet isn't the only headstrong, opinionated, objectionable young woman in the neighborhood. And when there is nothing to say, there is one word that often comes in handy [music starts up again] ... It's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious! If you say it loud enough you'll always sound precocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
[The same glazed, hypnotised look has settled on MR DARCY]
MR DARCY: You have a point. Miss Poppins, will you marry me?
[We suddenly notice that LIZZIE is listening through the keyhole. She has a large bottle marked "Poison" in her hand]
MARY POPPINS: I will.
[LIZZIE takes a good swig from the bottle, clutches her throat and keels over dead. No one notices]
MR DARCY: I can hardly believe it, Mary! You will be mine... forever!
MARY POPPINS: Oh no, not forever. Only until the wind changes.
Three musketeers for the elven kings under the sky Seven for the dwarf-lords in their halls of stone Nine for mortal man, doomed to die One for Cardinal Richelieu
It's a beautiful afternoon here at the Coliseum, and they're cleaning up after the Lions v Christians fixture... Christians lost as usual, ha ha... everyone's looking forward to the main event, we hear they've got a surprise planned, and by Apollo! they've just announced it, well, this is a good one and no mistake! The Lord of the Rings against The Three Musketeers, I wish I knew how they'd organized that...
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Scientists at the world-famous Goodreads Institute of Bodice-Ripping Studies say they are "baffled" by a man who is abFreak Talent Baffles Researchers
Scientists at the world-famous Goodreads Institute of Bodice-Ripping Studies say they are "baffled" by a man who is able to evaluate a book simply by picking it up and riffling through it for five seconds.
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Goodreads combines many of the things white people like. They can hang out on the internet, talk to people who have similar views on Sara94. Goodreads
Goodreads combines many of the things white people like. They can hang out on the internet, talk to people who have similar views on Sarah Palin and climate change, feel their liberal arts degree is useful for something and put down other white people while pretending to have pleasant conversations with them. The very best part, though, is being able to show everyone the books they've read. If a white person has read a book, they really want all the other white people to know they've read it, but if they make a habit of saying "Oh, I've read The Brothers Karamazov" every time there's a break in the conversation they run the risk of looking like pretentious idiots. On Goodreads, they can list every book they've ever even opened, from Sally, Dick and Jane to Ulysses, without anyone saying a word against them. Sweet!
In fact, they can do even better than this. If a white person is willing to spend an hour paraphrasing something they skimmed last week in the New York Times, they can call it a "review", post it, and collect votes from other white people. For some reason, white people think these votes are valuable, especially when the person who voted leaves a comment. You can turn this to your advantage. If you want to progress your relationship with a white person who posts on Goodreads, all you need to do is vote for one of their reviews. Leave a comment saying that the review is very beautiful and reminded you so much of a novel in your own language, but unfortunately it's not available in English translation. By the third time you do this, you will be one of the white person's best friends and be able to ask them for small favors. Be careful however not to let them give you any books. You may think you are getting a good deal since they are free, but they will be extremely boring and you are also going to get tested on their contents.
This much-loved story by Hans Christian Andersen a team of anonymous Disney screenwriters tells how a beautiful young mermaid falls in l[image]
[image]
This much-loved story by Hans Christian Andersen a team of anonymous Disney screenwriters tells how a beautiful young mermaid falls in love with a human prince. One day, she saves his life when his boat sinks during a storm. The prince wakes up on the shore, but the mermaid has gone, and he never sees her; he only remembers the human girl who finds him shortly afterwards he only sees the mermaid briefly as she escapes back to the water, and does not guess her secret. He in turn falls in love with the girl he believes has rescued him.
The mermaid is consumed by her love for the prince, and in the end adopts the desperate expedient of concluding a pact with the Sea Witch. The mermaid will gain legs and look like a woman. However, she will lose her beautiful voice. Also, every step she takes will feel as through she is walking on sharp knives. The mermaid accepts the offer, and becomes a human. She is taken into the prince's household.
The mermaid's only chance of salvation is to be loved by the prince. Alone, and without her voice, her chances are slim. Luckily, she has her three zany friends to help her: a singing crab, a kind fish and a goofy seabird. Together, they concoct a series of ingenious plans, which nearly succeed in making the prince kiss her and break the spell.
But meanwhile, the prince is planning to marry the girl who found him on the shore after the shipwreck, the Sea Witch, who has disguised herself to look like the mermaid and moreover has her stolen voice. The prince is torn, for he does indeed find the mermaid very beautiful, but he feels that the right decision is to marry the girl he incorrectly believes was his rescuer. He takes her as his wife, and the mermaid knows her heart is broken.
At the last minute, the mermaid's sisters come to her with a knife, and say that she can still save herself by killing the prince and his bride. But she refuses, and chooses death for herself instead. zany friends succeed in unmasking the Sea Witch's imposture. There is a bloody showdown, where the prince and the mermaid kill the Sea Witch. Then the prince marries the mermaid and they live happily ever after.
It is hard not to be swept away by the story's relentlessly bleak upbeat message. Great sacrifices can be utterly in vain are invariably rewarded, and true love may end in the most appalling tragedy always triumphs over adversity. ...more
- Good afternoon, may I talk with Professor Einstein?
- Speaking.
- Ah, I just wonder if I could have a few minutes of your time sir, this won't take lo- Good afternoon, may I talk with Professor Einstein?
- Speaking.
- Ah, I just wonder if I could have a few minutes of your time sir, this won't take long...
- And who are you, young man?
- Oh, I'm sorry, I should have said. My name's Bob Heinlein. You wouldn't have heard of me...
- On the contrary, I know exactly who you are. I bought a copy of your novel Space Cadet for my godson's eleventh birthday, and he was most complimentary. In fact, he said it was the best thing he'd ever read.
- Oh gee, wow, I mean, I don't know what to say, gee...
- Now, now, Mr. Heinlein, let's not get too carried away by an eleven year old's literary preferences. I believe you wanted to ask me something?
- Ah, yes sir, I'm working on another novel and I just wanted to check a couple of things. In my book, there's a pair of twins. One of them takes off on a spaceship which can travel at nearly the speed of light, and the other one stays on Earth.
- The Twins Paradox, then...
- Yes sir. I got the idea from one of your books. The twins have telepathic powers...
- They can read each other's minds?
- Yes sir. Now, as the spaceship accelerates, the twin on Earth starts to experience the other one as gabbling, and the twin in space experiences his brother as drawling.
- That would indeed be a consequence of time dilation due to Special Relativity. So far, you seem to have done your homework.
- Thank you sir. Wait, I don't think I mentioned this. Communication between the two twins is instantaneous...
- Hold it there, young man. Instantaneous communication is not a meaningful concept in Special Relativity.
- It isn't?
- No, because events which are simultaneous in one frame of reference will not be so in another.
- Oh. Darn. You're sure?
- I'm afraid I am.
- That's... hm... that's real unfortunate. Holy Toledo! I thought I'd read that darn book so carefully... anyway, let me tell you some more of the story. Time passes much more slowly for the space twin. So only a year or two has gone by for him, but his brother's already dead.
- That must be very upsetting for him.
- It is! But then he discovers he can communicate with his brother's daughter, his niece.
- Telepathy is a genetic trait?
- Ah, yes sir. But they carry on moving through space, and she gets old too. But now he can communicate with her daughter, his grand-niece.
- I am not quite sure I understand where this story is heading.
- Well sir, they have more adventures on other planets, and his grand-niece gets old, but now he's communicating with her daughter, she's this cute little girl with pigtails and braces on her teeth...
- It sounds very charming, young man. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to excuse me, I...
- Wait sir, I'm almost finished. He comes back home to Earth, and everything has changed, and all the people he knew when he left are dead. But his great-grand-niece has grown up to be this gorgeous curvy redhead, I have this thing for curvy redheads if I may say so, and she's been reading his mind since she was a little girl and she's fallen in love with him. And due to time dilation they're actually the same age, and really it's not incestuous or anything because, well, great-grand-niece isn't as close as cousin and you can marry your cousin in most states. I checked that. So he marries her and they live happily ever after.
- So what do you think? Hello? Are you still there sir?
On 02:53 on the 25th of March, it so happened that there were exactly 253 people in the world reading Geoff Ryman's novel. For 253 seconds, each of thOn 02:53 on the 25th of March, it so happened that there were exactly 253 people in the world reading Geoff Ryman's novel. For 253 seconds, each of them [Get on with it - Ed]. Oh yes. Here are some of their stories.
4. KEITH PERZ
Keith, a graceless, limp-haired student, lives in Seattle, WA. He is writing a dissertation on 253. His girlfriend, Miranda, had suggested the idea to him a few weeks ago, and he gratefully accepted.
Now Miranda has just left him, and he's stuck. The dissertation is due tomorrow. Keith is in the middle of a paragraph that starts like this:
A normal novel is structured along the temporal dimension; the author takes a small number of people, and follows their evolution through an extended period of time. Ryman, in contrast, asks why a novel cannot be structured along the dimension of space; he takes a small number of minutes, and traces the evolution of an extended set of people through that interval. The point, one realises at the end,
Keith is unable to finish the sentence: no words come to him. He wonders whether Miranda intentionally sold him an impossible topic, and is suddenly convinced she has done so. He begins to weep.
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1. Now in those days there dwelled in the land of the France'ites a man named Ma'rek, who was a prophet of the Lord.
2. And Ma'rek hadThe Book of Marek
1. Now in those days there dwelled in the land of the France'ites a man named Ma'rek, who was a prophet of the Lord.
2. And Ma'rek had suffered much for his faith and undergone many trials. And he had seen how strange are the Lord's ways.
3. Now Ma'rek had need of gold. And he prayed to the Lord, saying, show me how I might get me riches, that I may further exalt Thy name.
4. Then that night an angel came to Ma'rek in a dream. And the angel said, write thou a history of Abraham's wife, that is called Sarah, and tell Abraham's story as she did see it; this is the Lord's command.
5. And Ma'rek was afeared, and he said, I am a man; how may I write as a woman? For I know nothing of periods, or pregnancies or other lady business. And moreover, there is little in the Lord's book touching his daughter Sarah, and how may I speak of things I know not? For surely that would anger the Lord.
6. But the angel said, still thy fear; I will instruct thee in all these matters, and tell unto thee Sarah's secret story, that has been lost for many years. Write thou as I speak, and all will be well.
7. And the angel said, thou knowest already that Sarah was the fairest of women. Write first how she was formed: that she had long curvy eyelashes, and fabulous tits, and a deliciously flat stomach, and a hot, tight little... well, thou gettest the picture.
8. Alleluia.
9. And then shalt thou write of Sarah's early years, before she did join her busband in holy matrimony; how she was the Chosen of the Goddess Ishtar, and did sexy topless dances where she sacrificed bulls in Ishtar's temple. For strange are the ways of the Lord, as already noted.
10. And when Sarah did meet Hagar, the daughter of Pharaoh, write thou of how Hagar did strip Sarah naked, and herself also, and did give her hot girl-on-girl massage in a bath of asses' milk. For thus was it, though none did know until this day.
11. And many more naughty details shall I vouchsafe thee, that thy book be a page-turner which all men do read.
12. And Ma'rek was amazed, but he did write as the angel told him. And he did go to the publisher. And the publisher spake, saying, dude, I love it. We got ourselves a winner.
13. And Ma'rek's book was published, and did sell many myriads of copies; even in airport bookstalls was it sold. And across the land of the France'ites was there wailing and gnashing of teeth when the wise men of that land did read it.
14. But Ma'rek cared not what the wise men said, for he knew he did the Lord's work. And verily did he receive much gold, yea, he did laugh all the way to the bank.
After a while, the story began to seem strangely familiar - an attractive but not overly bright young woman is seduced by a hunky guy with a re[image]
After a while, the story began to seem strangely familiar - an attractive but not overly bright young woman is seduced by a hunky guy with a red moustache, who persuades her to accompany him to a romantic rendezvous in a secluded spot. Luckily, the dogged Boris Corentin is hot on his trail. But, rather than risk dropping any more spoilers, let me present Chapter 1 of my own version...
La Puddle-Duck Jémima
Naked, Jémima swam to the bank and, in one sinuous motion, emerged from the water. She stood for a moment and gazed at the reflection mirrored in the pond's smooth surface.
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I was trying to think how I could present this marvellous study in paranoia and obsession to the non-chess-playing reader - and, the very same day, weI was trying to think how I could present this marvellous study in paranoia and obsession to the non-chess-playing reader - and, the very same day, we saw Black Swan.
Well, after that it was obvious. Just close your eyes and try to imagine Garry Kasparov in a tutu...
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
GARRY KASPAROV...............Natalie Portman
ANATOLY KARPOV...............Mila Kunis
KLARA KASPAROVA.............Barbara Hershey
MIKHAIL BOTVINNIK..........Vincent Casel
BOBBY FISCHER....................Winona Ryder
EDWARD WINTER................Himself
Scene 1
[BOTVINNIK is drilling KASPAROV and the OTHER BALLERINAS]
Elias Canetti, the Nobel Prize-winning author of this book, would be unhappy to learn that he's now best known as Iris Murdoch's one-time lover. I hadElias Canetti, the Nobel Prize-winning author of this book, would be unhappy to learn that he's now best known as Iris Murdoch's one-time lover. I had heard that he was the prototype of the diabolical Julius King in A Fairly Honourable Defeat, and I'd also read various lurid accounts of their affair. Among other things, Canetti's wife used to greet Murdoch with a smile when she turned up for their trysts and then make lunch for all of them afterwards; as you can see, a cult leader kind of personality. So I was curious to find out more about him, and, when Sherwood recommended Crowds and Power in the middle of a discussion thread last month, I went out and ordered a copy.
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