Therapists Reveal The 1 Toxic Thing About The Holidays We Need To Fix

The holidays can be a joyful time to put work aside and celebrate with loved ones over delicious meals and festive gatherings. But it’s not the most wonderful time of the year for everyone: Nearly 9 in 10 adults reported feeling heightened stress during the season, according to a 2023 poll by the American Psychological Association.

According to Dr. Jennifer Reid, a psychiatrist and host of The Reflective Mind podcast, a lot of the stress comes from a perceived pressure to have the perfect holiday. It’s the one toxic part about the holidays that often puts a damper on this time of year.

“Women in particular, although certainly not only, have this expectation that they can make the holidays spectacular for everyone,” Reid said. “One of the toxic pieces of this is the idea that if we do everything perfectly, which is unattainable, we can control things that are beyond our control.”

If you’ve ever fixated on decorating to the nines, cooking an overly elaborate meal, or buying (and inevitably spending too much on) the perfect gifts, you might know the disappointment when your extra effort doesn’t guarantee your desired outcome. Maybe the family fights at dinner anyway, or a gift doesn’t go over how you’d pictured.

Reid suggests challenging the internal pressure for holiday perfection: “Where do these expectations come from and are they still serving me?” If the answer is no, it may be time to switch up our ideas about what the holidays need to be.

Here’s how:

Don’t be afraid to change up traditions.

We could all benefit from questioning our expectations for the most wonderful time of the year. Thea Gallagher, a clinical psychologist at NYU Langone, suggested taking stock of which traditions feel meaningful to you, versus carrying on your family’s customs out of a sense of obligation.

“One thing that was interesting about COVID times was that people had to think about different ways to make things special,” Gallagher said. “I think that actually helped us to not be so rigid about what the holidays are or how they have to look.”

Setting aside some of your holiday break just for you might help you feel more refreshed. “Maybe you don’t want to spend the entire bulk of time off from work with family and that’s OK,” Gallagher said. If you’re traveling, maybe that means leaving a day or two later so you can also celebrate with your immediate family or close friends, or plan a fun and restful solo day.

“Prioritize a few traditions that are meaningful to you and focus on those, versus aiming for a buffet of perfection,” Reid suggested. Going for quality over quantity can help stave off the feeling of overwhelm, and may ultimately lead to a more satisfying holiday.

If you don’t have the capacity this year, remind yourself that it’s OK.

If you’re feeling exhausted this time of year, there are ways to adjust your holiday load to avoid stress and overwhelm.

“First off, decide what you’re willing to do, and what you’re not going to take on,” Gallagher said. Then consider modifications you might make, and communicate your availability to loved ones.

For example, if traveling feels too expensive or overwhelming this year, maybe you can suggest another less hectic time to get together with family. If you usually host Thanksgiving dinner, maybe you offer to bring a dish to another’s home. If finances are a strain, consider baking cookies or crafting homemade gifts, or talk to your family about setting price limits or perhaps hosting a White Elephant exchange instead.

It may take others time to adjust to the changes you’re proposing. “You have to tolerate the fact that some people might be disappointed,” says Gallagher. Ultimately, setting clear boundaries around your limits is better than overextending yourself, which can lead to feelings of burnout and resentment —and that can spread the opposite of holiday cheer.

Don’t forget self-care.

If we want the holidays to provide a break from the hustle and bustle of the rest of the year, we should prioritize our health and well-being, said Melanie Greenberg, clinical psychologist and author of “The Stress-Proof Brain.”

Taking time for self-care can offset the pressure to have a perfect holiday, and help remind us the break should be a time for rest and relaxation.

Greenberg suggested regular meditating, even if it’s only 10 minutes a few days a week. If you’re new to meditation, try an app like Calm or Headspace. Alternately, restorative yoga or a favorite workout, body scans, breathing exercises or connecting with nature ― “even if it’s just going outside and looking at flowers or the sky,” she said ― can all provide a meditative sense of calm and release.

While the holiday season can be a joyful time to enjoy food and drinks, Greenberg suggests making a plan to curb overindulgence in alcohol, which can exacerbate stress and exhaustion.

“The more specific your plan, the better,” she said, whether it’s setting out to only drink two drinks, have sparkling water in between drinks, or leave an event by a certain time. Saying no to some of the invites can keep you from burning out, especially during a season when office parties, friend festivities and family obligations might pile on.

Be mindful of time spent on social media, which can lead us to make unhelpful comparisons. “We compare more when we’re feeling insecure or down, and holidays have a way of triggering that in people,“ Reid explained. “Ask yourself, where do you want to put your attention? How can you curate and limit and replace [your social media feed] with things that are positive for you?”

Practicing gratitude can help ground us. Reid suggested you write down three things that went well, and why, at the end of the day. “That can be helpful anytime of year, but especially those days when you’re running around and feeling overwhelmed to be able to look back and say, ‘These three moments were really nice,’” she said.