- Willard C. Gnatpole: You like working for Mr. Smith?
- Patty: Oh, yeah, yeah. He's nice. I like tubby men.
- Willard C. Gnatpole: Fat! He's fat!
- Patty: Yeah, well, he's well covered.
- Customs Inspector: [finding a jar of coffee in Klemper's bag] You're bringing instant coffee to Brazil? I won't dignify this by confiscating it!
- [makes Klemper open the jar and empty it into the trash]
- Marcus Pendleton: After all, no greatness is possible without a little intelligent madness, is it?
- Carlton J. Klemper: Ah, you put that beautifully. Let me write that down.
- Marcus Pendleton: Well now, give credit where credit is due, sir. I believe it was Hitler who said that, sir.
- Carlton J. Klemper: It just goes to show you - there's nothing new under the sun. Nothing changes but man's capability for change.
- Marcus Pendleton: Oh, that's lovely too. Who said that?
- Carlton J. Klemper: Napoleon.
- Marcus Pendleton: [Discussing his dream of a musical career] You can't afford an orchestra and, I mean, even the baton's become prohibitive with the new tax slapped on it.
- Marcus Pendleton: You are straining my credulity, my dear.
- Mrs. Lubbock: Your what?
- Marcus Pendleton: Nevermind.
- Prison Governor: Remember that science is catching up with the embezzler, hmmm? You were caught by a computer, not by the police. It's going to put embezzlers irrevocably out of business.
- Marcus Pendleton: The way I see it, sir, science is closing in on all of us, isn't it?
- Pendleton's Landlady: So you're a traffic warden now? That's a nice steady job.
- Patty: Yeah, I got fired today.
- Pendleton's Landlady: Whatever for?
- Patty: Well, I haven't the heart to give anyone a ticket. It's wicked trying to park out West. I let them treble park right along the Strand, see.
- Patty: What's he want?
- Marcus Pendleton: Assets.
- Patty: What are they?
- Marcus Pendleton: Young female donkeys.
- Prison Governor: Marcus... you still here? It's 12:30.
- Marcus Pendleton: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm just finishing your income tax returns.
- Prison Governor: [as he shuts the cell door so they are alone] Oh, that's very kind. But you know we like our prisoners to leave at mid-day on the day of departure. I do, um, think about putting a notice up in every cell.
- Marcus Pendleton: Oh, that's a very good idea. It'd liven up the old walls. There you are, sir, if I may.
- [He hands the tax papers to the governor]
- Prison Governor: 400 pounds rebate? On my salary? I could end up in jail.
- Marcus Pendleton: Oh, no. These things are open to interpretation. All I'm doing is to interpret the rules in a manner favorable to you.
- Prison Governor: You should be in politics, not in prison.
- Marcus Pendleton: Well, in a way, I was, wasn't I? When they caught me embezzling at the Conservative Central Office.
- Prison Governor: Yes, I could never understand why you chose that of all places.
- Marcus Pendleton: [after a pause, says sternly] I'm a Liberal.
- Prison Governor: Oh.
- Marcus Pendleton: [Handing the tax forms to the governor] I've taken the liberty of signing for you, sir, if you'll just check the signature.
- Prison Governor: [Looks over the tax return] Good grief!
- Marcus Pendleton: Anything like it? It's not the only trade I learned here, sir.
- Prison Governor: No... well, we do our best...
- Marcus Pendleton: I'll always be grateful for it, sir.
- Gentlemans Club Member: Is this your first time at the club?
- Marcus Pendleton: This club, yes! I'm just down from the North.
- Carlton J. Klemper: You have a very impressive background, Mr. Smith. Marvelous references.
- Marcus Pendleton: [as Caesar Smith] I like to think so, Sir. It took quite a lot of time and ingenuity to lay my hands on them.
- Carlton J. Klemper: Humor. One of the three great H's in my book. Humor, humility and honesty.
- Carlton J. Klemper: Yes sir! When the time comes, I may even put in a bid for all of England.
- Marcus Pendleton: Hadn't you better wait till it's solvent?
- Patty: What do you want me to do?
- Marcus Pendleton: [as Caesar Smith] Well, I want you to look as though you're doing something.
- Patty: Oh.
- Marcus Pendleton: That's half the battle, isn't it?
- Carlton J. Klemper: ...it's the president of the corporation in New York. He's at that age - a senior citizen. A little more "senior" than "citizen." In fact, he's been seen playing golf without a ball lately.
- Marcus Pendleton: Oh, dear. How do you score that?
- Carlton J. Klemper: He's the president of the firm. You score it so he wins!
- Patty: [after she's told Marcus that she's going to have a baby] Look, love. Are you all right?
- Marcus Pendleton: I don't know. I don't know. I just know that in a few month's time, someone is going to be looking up to me for the rest of my life, and that's terrifying.
- [about computers]
- Caesar: I don't think they get as much fun out of life as we do!
- Elderly Gentleman card player: [Marcus has been pumping the card players for names of top-notch computer experts. The eldest player is irritated by all the talk] If this keeps up, I shall violate a lifetime principle and play bridge with women.
- Patty: Boy, it's hot in here, idn't it? May I take my coat off?
- Willard C. Gnatpole: Yes, any - anything.
- Marcus Pendleton: I suppose you can see my window from yours?
- Patty: Uh, well, no... only from the kitchen.
- Marcus Pendleton: Oh, I'd better be careful to keep my curtains drawn.
- Patty: I'm sure you've got nothing to hide.
- Marcus Pendleton: Myself.
- Patty: Oh, heh, heh.
- Patty: It's just I'm sorry about the curry.
- Marcus Pendleton: Oh, no mind about that. I was dreading that. You know, I hate curry.
- Patty: Do you?
- Marcus Pendleton: Yeah.
- Patty: Yeah, I hate it too. It's vile idn't it?
- Marcus Pendleton: Vile. It is vile. Yes, it is.
- Patty: I've got a couple of bangers if you'd like them.
- Marcus Pendleton: Well, now, look here, I don't want to impose.
- Patty: Oh, well, shut up. Light the candles. They're on the mantlepiece.
- Patty: Why don't you marry me?
- Marcus Pendleton: You poppin' the question?
- Patty: Well, it's gotta be popped, idn't it?
- Marcus Pendleton: Yeah, you put it that way, yes.
- Marcus Pendleton: Have a deck of cards?
- Patty: Yeah, in that dr... hey, you're not gonna start playin' cards. I just asked you to marry me.
- Marcus Pendleton: I know, but if you shuffle them and then cut with the queen of hearts I'll marry you
- Patty: Oh, you will. Yeah, let's get the cards.
- [after many cuts, she exposes the queen of hearts]
- Marcus Pendleton: [after Patty tells him she is pregnant] I'll be expected to tell him the facts of life when I'm just beginning to discover them myself.
- Patty: It's money, idn't it.
- Marcus Pendleton: Yeah, they told me it was. Yes. I wouldn't believe them at first.
- Marcus Pendleton: You know, Mr. Klemper, sir, a criminal is lost without information. And it matters little to his twisted mind whence that information comes.
- Patty: Mr. Smith, are you afraid of women?
- Marcus Pendleton: No. Why should I be? Women? No. Oh, mark you, I haven't known very many in my life, apart from mother.
- Patty: You were fond of your mother, is that it?
- Marcus Pendleton: No, no. I hated her. Very hateful. She couldn't cook, you see, and all through my youth, I remember having to eat the muck she dished up and pretend to like it. She was very sensitive, quite apart from being a bad cook.
- Patty: [He's brought home a large zippered satchel filled with cash] What you got in here? It weighs a ton.
- Marcus Pendleton: Oh, open it up. I've got no secrets from you.
- Patty: What you brought back? Dear, this is money, idn't it?
- Marcus Pendleton: Yeah. They told me it was, yes. I wouldn't believe them at first.
- Patty: There's about 1 million pounds here.
- Marcus Pendleton: You've got the exact right figure, you have. I got a slight raise.
- Patty: Where did you get... You would never. You've been stealing!
- Marcus Pendleton: Well, you want to be careful what you say, you know. Any fool can steal. Everybody does a bit. I've been embezzling.
- Patty: Is that what you've been doing on all them trips? Yeah, I thought it was the "other" you were doing.
- Marcus Pendleton: I would never do anything dishonest like that. Patty!
- Caesar Smith: Are you offering me a job?
- Marcus Pendleton: Oh, yes.
- Caesar Smith: Oh, I was afraid of that. Please don't.
- Marcus Pendleton: I happen to be a bachelor, but, I've got my passion too. Not moths. I'm not a moth man. I think, I don't want to be a moth man. But, I appreciate moth men.
- Patty: They work the shirt off your back here, don't they?
- Willard C. Gnatpole: Yes, I heard about that.
- Marcus Pendleton: Why'd you take your dress off?
- Patty: Well, look at this filthy, rotten ribbon, I don't want to get it dirty, do I?
- Marcus Pendleton: Hand in a confidential report, to me, of your management concepts. I don't care what's in there, so long as its confidential. Make it look good. Whether its true or not, I leave that to you.
- Pritchard: Fifty years behind the times. Do you know we produce an egg beater that would look old hat to Queen Victoria.
- Louise the Waitress: I squirted that synthetic cream with my own fair hand.
- Carlton J. Klemper: Well, I couldn't have asked for a better hand, could I?
- Patty: It was ever so nice of you to see me, Mr. Gnatpole.
- Willard C. Gnatpole: Oh, not at all. I mean, the fact that, well, you called me, I'd like to sort of consider that a, well, a bond of friendship. And there is nothing more beautiful on earth than - friendship.
- Patty: Oh. Oh, no. Now, I agree. It's beautiful - particularly between, well, people.