Matilda (1996)

Pam Ferris: Trunchbull

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Quotes 

• Agatha Trunchbull : I cannot for the life of me understand why small children take so long to grow up. I think they do it deliberately, just to annoy me.

• Agatha Trunchbull : [pointing her riding crop at Amanda]  Can you spell?

  Amanda Thripp : Miss Honey taught us how to spell a long word yesterday. We can spell "difficulty".

  Agatha Trunchbull : You couldn't spell "difficulty" if your life depended on it.

  Amanda Thripp : She taught us with a poem.

  Agatha Trunchbull : [mimicking Amanda with a high-pitched tone]  A poem? How sweet. What poem would that be?

  Amanda Thripp : Mrs. D, Mrs. I...

  [everyone in the room except Miss Trunchbull and Miss Honey join in] 

  Amanda Thripp : [chanting with the rest of the class]  Mrs. F-F-I. Mrs. C, Mrs. U, Mrs. L-T-Y!

  Agatha Trunchbull : [strikes a desktop with her riding crop and all the children instantly face forward]  WHY ARE ALL THESE WOMEN MARRIED?

  [moves between the desks] 

  Agatha Trunchbull : Mrs. D? Mrs. I? You're supposed to be teaching SPELLING, not poetry!

  [whacks the desk again with her riding crop] 

• Agatha Trunchbull : I need a car, inexpensive but reliable. Can you service me?

  Harry Wormwood : In a manner of speaking, yes. Uh, welcome to Wormwood Motors. Harry Wormwood, owner, founder, whatever.

  Agatha Trunchbull : Agatha Trunchbull, principal, Crunchem Hall Elementary School.

  Harry Wormwood : Huh.

  Agatha Trunchbull : I warn you, sir, I want a tight car, because I run a tight ship.

  Harry Wormwood : Oh yeah, huh, well, uh...

  Agatha Trunchbull : My school is a model of discipline! Use the rod, beat the child, that's my motto.

  Harry Wormwood : Terrific motto!

  Agatha Trunchbull : You have brats yourself?

  Harry Wormwood : Yeah, I got a boy, Mikey, and one mis-*take*, Matilda.

  Agatha Trunchbull : They're all mistakes, children! Filthy, nasty things. Glad I never was one.

• [Miss Trunchbull has accused Matilda of going into her house] 

  Jenny : Miss Trunchbull, I was the one who was at your house last night, and I think...

  Agatha Trunchbull : [grabbing and clenching Miss Honey's wrist very tightly in her fist]  I broke your arm once before; I can do it again, Jenny.

  Jenny : [suddenly mad, she briskly releases her arm from Miss Trunchbull's grip with her free hand]  I am *not* seven years old anymore, Aunt Trunchbull!

  [the class gasps] 

  Agatha Trunchbull : Shut your mouths!

• Trunchbull : This boy, Bruce Bogtrotter, is none other than a vicious sneak thief! You're a disgusting criminal, aren't you?

  Bruce Bogtrotter : I don't know what you're talking about.

  Trunchbull : Cake. Chocolate cake. You slithered like a serpent into the school kitchen and ate MY PERSONAL SNACK!

  [cracks the riding crop on the table] 

  Trunchbull : Do you deny it?

  [Bruce is silent] 

  Trunchbull : Confess!

  Bruce Bogtrotter : Well it's hard for me to remember a specific cake.

  Trunchbull : This one was mine. And it was the most scrumptious cake in the entire world.

  Bruce Bogtrotter : My mom's is better.

  [All the children gasp] 

  Trunchbull : It is, is it? How can you be sure unless you have another PIECE?

  [grabs him] 

  Trunchbull : Sit down, Bog.

• Agatha Trunchbull : [accusing Matilda of putting a newt in her drinking water]  You didn't like the chokey, did you? Thought you'd pay me back, didn't you? Well, I'll pay you back, young lady.

  Matilda : For what, Miss Trunchbull?

  Agatha Trunchbull : For this newt, you piss-worm!

  Matilda : I'm telling you, I didn't do it!

  Agatha Trunchbull : Besides, even if you didn't do it, I'm going to punish you, because I'm big and you're small, I'm right and you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it!

• Agatha Trunchbull : Useless, flamin' car! Wormwood! Sell me a lemon? You're heading for the chokey, young lady!

  Matilda : Chokey?

  Agatha Trunchbull : Teach you a lesson!

  Matilda : What lesson?

  Agatha Trunchbull : You and your father think you can make a fool out of me!

  Matilda : My father?

  Agatha Trunchbull : The guy with the stupid haircut!

  Matilda : I'm nothing like my father.

  Agatha Trunchbull : You're the spitting image. The apple never rots far from the tree!

• Agatha Trunchbull : [speaking to Matilda about her and her father]  You're a liar and a scoundrel, and your father's a liar and a cheat, one of the most corrupt lowlifes in the history of civilization! Am I wrong? I'm never wrong!

• Agatha Trunchbull : Amanda Thripp!

  Amanda Thripp : Yes, Miss Trunchbull?

  Agatha Trunchbull : What are those?

  Amanda Thripp : What's what, Ms. Trunchbull?

  Agatha Trunchbull : Hanging down by your ears.

  Amanda Thripp : You mean my pigtails?

  Agatha Trunchbull : Are you a pig, Amanda?

  Amanda Thripp : *No*, Ms. Trunchbull.

  Agatha Trunchbull : Do I allow pigs in my school?

  Amanda Thripp : My mommy thinks they're sweet.

  Agatha Trunchbull : [bends down]  Your mommy... is a TWIT!

• Agatha Trunchbull : I like a joke as well as the next fat person!

• Trunchbull : [on the phone, yells]  Wormwood! You useless, used-car-salesman scum! I want you around here now with another car! Yes, I know what caveat emptor means, you lowlife liar! I'm gonna sue you, I'm gonna burn down your showroom! I'm gonna take that no-good jalopy you sold me and shove it up your bazooga! When I'm finished with you, you're gonna look like roadkill! You what? Oh, y -

  [she notices that the chocolate box lid is opened and hangs up] 

• Harry Wormwood : Since you're an educator, I'll make you a deal.

  Agatha Trunchbull : You'd better.

  Harry Wormwood : Let's do business.

• Agatha Trunchbull : [her car has broken down]  Come on, move you piece of junkyard fodder! Shift you...!

• Agatha Trunchbull : The distance the shotput goes, depends upon the effort that you PUT INTO IT. PERSPERATION! If you can't handle the little brat, I'LL LOCK HER IN THE CHOKEY!

  [she lunges the ball at the door, ultimately puncturing it immensely] 

  Agatha Trunchbull : Get it?

  Jenny : [nods]  Yes, ma'am.

  Agatha Trunchbull : One day Jen, you'll see that everything I do is for your own good. And for the good of those - PUTRESCENT LITTLE CHILDREN!

  [she shoves Jenny out of her office and slams the door after her] 

• Agatha Trunchbull : [Jenny knocks on Ms. Trunchbull's door]  Come in, come in, whoever you are.

  [Jenny enters Ms. Trunchbull's office and almost get struck by a dart] 

• Trunchbull : You wanted cake, you got cake! Now EAT IT!

• Agatha Trunchbull : [wielding a hammer throw]  Some rats are gonna die today.

• Agatha Trunchbull : I have never been able to understand why small children are so disgusting. They're the bane of my life. They're like insects: they should be got rid of as early as possible.

  [makes spraying gesture] 

  Agatha Trunchbull : Psst! My idea of a perfect school is one in which there are no children... at all. Wouldn't you agree, Miss Honey?

  [Miss Honey briefly nods yes as she leaves to rescue Matilda from the Chokey] 

• Agatha Trunchbull : [Talking about the cake]  Smells chocolatey, eh? Now, eat it.

  Bruce 'Little Brucey : I don't want any, thank you.

  Agatha Trunchbull : EAT IT!

• Trunchbull : [loses it, to Matilda]  You... will be put away in a place where not even the crows can land their droppings on you!

• Trunchbull : [TV Version]  For this newt you pin-worm!

• Trunchbull : In this classroom, in this school, I am god!

• Trunchbull : [points at her]  YOU!

  Matilda : It didn't move!

  Trunchbull : [comes up to her and Matilda stands up]  You did this!

  Miss Honey : How could she possibly have done it when she was sitting way over here?

  Trunchbull : [looks at Miss Honey and warning the children they were watching us]  I'll be watching you, each and every one. When you turn the corner, when you go to your cubbies to get your smelly coats, when you skip merrily to lunch, I'll be watching you, all of you, and especially you.

• Agatha Trunchbull : [after smashing the entire cake platter over Bruce Bogtrotter's head, causing the children to stop cheering]  Shut up! The entire assembly will stay five hours after school and copy from the dictionary! Any children who object... will go straight into the Chokey together!

• [the Trunchbull's car, sold to her by Harry Wormwood, has broken down, forcing her to haul it all the way back to her house] 

  Agatha Trunchbull : [yells]  Aaaargh! Crush that little weasel!