- Greg: I left cookies and milk three nights in a row for God and he hasn't taken them. Why am I so forsaken!
- [Jack just got off his car phone with Greg, who is being attacked by a dog at his apartment]
- Junction Jack: We have to get over to Greg's place now.
- Count Blah: Why? What's the problem, blah?
- Junction Jack: No time to explain.
- Count Blah: Oh.
- [pause]
- Count Blah: Wait, Greg's place is all the way across town, blah.
- Warren: Hey Tardy... listen, I need to fill some seats tonight, how'd you like to come to my play?
- Tardy: I like to play with Warren.
- Warren: No, Tardy. I will be IN a play. You understand?... performing.
- Tardy: I'm not supposed to eat the Legos.
- Warren: [mutters] Eauh, God! It's like talking to Keanu Reeves.
- Gil: When I'm out for blood, I never let sex get in the way.
- Susan the Monster: That's funny, for me it's just the other way around.
- Alison Kaiser: Gil, none of the women were invited to the paintball game, and we'd like to know why.
- Gil: Well, darn it, so would I!
- Alison Kaiser: You organized the game.
- Gil: I'm not sure that's true... Uh, Doris, would you find out who organized the paintball game and why the ladies weren't invited?
- Dottie: You're talking into a humidor.
- Gil: Doris, what happened to my intercom?
- Dottie: There IS no Doris!
- Gil: Uh... Edna! Would you find out what happened to Doris?
- [talking about supporting Greg The Bunny's interest in the Pupish Movement]
- Jimmy: Hey, why don't you guys give him a break? Instead of stabbing him in the back, why don't you try showing him a little support in the front? Lets face it, humans have been mistreating puppets for centuries. It's nothing new. We lure them to our country with the tartar sauce, and the lollipops, and the empty promises of sparklers which I believe are yet unfulfilled. Tardy, you got your sparklers?
- Tardy: I'm tough but nice.
- Jimmy: Yea that's what I thought! And then we go and trade their hides for, you know, cheap whiskey during the war of the roses.
- Dottie: Is that true?
- Count Blah: No
- Jimmy: We had them build our airplanes and our suspension bridges and our jet packs and our race cars, but can you name me one puppet that's ever taken home the trophy at the Minneapolis 500? I dare ya. Can ya? No!
- Alison Kaiser: I understood the pupish better.
- Gil: Tardy, how do you feel about Alison?
- Tardy: I love Alison!
- Alison Kaiser: Tardy, how do you feel about ashtrays?
- Tardy: ...I love ashtrays!
- Warren: And I tip my hat to Greg. Son, you cared enough to give Rochester the greatest gift that a man can receive: a smile to shape his very last breath. So, ahem, to Rochester!
- Crowd: To Rochester...
- Count Blah: ...blah.
- [On dogs]
- Warren: What do humans see in these things, anyway? If I wanted someone to lick my face and poop on my lawn I'd get back together with Farrah Fawcett.
- [Greg asks Jimmy to ask his father, a television producer, to get Greg a job]
- Greg: Please?
- Jimmy: No!
- Greg: Fine, then I'll just have to repeat your name over and over until you say yes. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy...
- Jimmy: It's not going to work.
- [5 minutes later]
- Greg: Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy...
- Jimmy: All right! I'll call him!
- Count Blah: Jack, you were in 'Nam: what do you do when someone points a gun at you?
- Junction Jack: Spend three years in a bamboo cage.
- Gil: Ok, um, Beetlejuice, get on the set, please.
- Greg the Bunny: Fine. And by the way, it's Bizzlebub... I think. And don't you say that name two more times.
- Warren: [responding to Jimmy's request for him to lose weight] I'm thrice divorced, Gil, I've shed enough ugly fat for one lifetime.
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