- Willy Wonka: Do you like my meadow? Try some of my grass! Please have a blade, please do, it's so delectable and so darn good looking!
- Charlie Bucket: You can eat the grass?
- Willy Wonka: Of course you can! Everything in this room is eatable, even *I'm* eatable! But that is called "cannibalism," my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.
- Willy Wonka: Everything in this room is eatable, even I'm eatable! But that is called "cannibalism", my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.
- Grandpa George: There's plenty of money out there. They print more every day. But this ticket, there's only five of them in the whole world, and that's all there's ever going to be. Only a dummy would give this up for something as common as money. Are you a dummy?
- Charlie Bucket: No, sir.
- Grandpa George: Then get that mud off your pants! You've got a factory to go to!
- Willy Wonka: [getting his shoes shined by Charlie, his face hidden behind a newspaper] Pity about that chocolate fellow, Wendle, er, Walter...
- Charlie Bucket: Willy Wonka.
- Willy Wonka: That's the one. Says here in the papers his new candies aren't selling very well. But, I suppose maybe he's just a rotten egg who deserves it.
- Charlie Bucket: Yep.
- Willy Wonka: Oh really? You ever met him?
- Charlie Bucket: I did. I thought he was great at first, but then he didn't turn out so nice. He also has a funny haircut.
- Willy Wonka: [coming out from behind the newspaper] I do not!
- Charlie Bucket: Why are you here?
- Willy Wonka: I don't feel so hot. What makes you feel better when you feel terrible?
- Charlie Bucket: My family.
- Willy Wonka: Ew!
- Charlie Bucket: What do you have against my family?
- Willy Wonka: It's not just *your* family, it's the whole idea of...
- [balks]
- Willy Wonka: You know, they're always telling you what to do, what not to do and it's not conducive to a creative atmosphere!
- Charlie Bucket: Usually they're just trying to protect you, because they love you.
- [Willy looks away]
- Charlie Bucket: If you don't believe me you should ask.
- Willy Wonka: Ask who? My father? Ha! No way. At least not by myself...
- Charlie Bucket: You want me to go with you?
- Willy Wonka: Hey! Hey, what a great idea! Yeah!
- [jumps up]
- Willy Wonka: And you know what? I brought transporta...
- [bangs into the glass elevator and falls down]
- Willy Wonka: I have to be more careful where I park this thing.
- Mike Teavee: Why is everything here completely pointless?
- Charlie Bucket: Candy doesn't have to have a point. That's why it's candy.
- Veruca Salt: Daddy, I want a squirrel. Get me one of those squirrels, I want one!
- Mr. Salt: Veruca dear, you have many marvelous pets.
- Veruca Salt: All I've got at home is one pony and two dogs and four cats and six bunny rabbits and two parakeets and three canaries and a green parrot and a turtle, and a silly old hamster! I WANT a SQUIRREL!
- Mr. Salt: All right, pet. Daddy'll get you a squirrel just as soon as he possibly can.
- Veruca Salt: But I don't want any old squirrel! I want a *trained* squirrel!
- Mr. Salt: [wearily] Very well. Mr. Wonka? How much do you want for one of these squirrels? Name your price.
- Willy Wonka: Oh they're not for sale. She can't have one.
- Veruca Salt: Daddy!
- Willy Wonka: [imitating Mr. Salt] I'm sorry, darling. Mr. Wonka's being unreasonable.
- Willy Wonka: You can't run a chocolate factory with a family hanging over you like an old, dead goose. No offense.
- Grandpa George: None taken. Jerk.
- Willy Wonka: Let's go put him in the taffy puller!
- Mr. Teavee: [horrified] Taffy puller?
- Willy Wonka: Hey, that was my idea!
- Mike Teavee: Who wants a beard?
- Willy Wonka: Well, beatniks for one, folk singers, and motorbike riders. Y'know. All those hip, jazzy, super cool, neat, keen, and groovy cats. It's in the fridge, daddy-o! Are you hip to the jive? Can you dig what I'm layin' down? I knew that you could. Slide me some skin, soul brother!
- Grandma Georgina: You smell like peanuts. I love peanuts.
- Willy Wonka: Oh, thank you. You smell like... old people. And soap. I like it.
- Veruca Salt: I'm Veruca Salt. It's very nice to meet you, sir.
- [does a curtsy]
- Willy Wonka: I always thought a verruca was a type of wart you got on the bottom of your foot.
- [laughs]
- Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka, I don't know if you remember me, but I used to work here in the factory.
- Willy Wonka: Were you one of those despicable spies who everyday tried to steal my life's work and sell it to those parasitic copy-cat candy-making cads?
- Grandpa Joe: No, sir.
- Willy Wonka: Then wonderful, welcome back.
- Mr. Salt: [as the squirrels take Veruca] Where are they taking her?
- Willy Wonka: Where all the other bad nuts go, to the garbage chute.
- Mr. Salt: Where does the chute go?
- Willy Wonka: To the incinerator. But don't worry, we only light it on Tuesdays.
- Mike Teavee: Today *is* Tuesday.
- Willy Wonka: [after a pause] Well, there's always a chance they decided not to light it today.
- Mrs. Gloop: Where is my son? Where does that pipe go to?
- Willy Wonka: That pipe, it just so happens to lead directly to the room where I make the most delicious kind of strawberry-flavoured chocolate-coated fudge.
- Mrs. Gloop: Then he will be made into strawberry-flavoured chocolate-coated fudge? They'll be selling him by the pound all over the world?
- Willy Wonka: No, I wouldn't allow it. The taste would be terrible. Can you imagine Augustus-flavoured chocolate-coated Gloop? Ew. No one would buy it.
- [last lines]
- Narrator: In the end, Charlie Bucket won a chocolate factory. But Willy Wonka had something even better, a family. And one thing was absolutely certain - life had never been sweeter.
- Grandma Georgina: [the glass elevator crashes through the roof of Charlie's house] I think there's someone at the door.
- Charlie Bucket: Mr. Wonka.
- Willy Wonka: Huh?
- Charlie Bucket: Why would Augustus' name already be in the Oompa Loompa song unless they...
- Willy Wonka: [interrupts] Improvisation is parlor trick, anyone can do it.
- [turns to Violet]
- Willy Wonka: You, little girl. Say something. Anything.
- Violet Beauregarde: Chewing gum.
- Willy Wonka: Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most. See? Exactly the same.
- Charlie Bucket: So, if I go with you to the factory, I won't ever see my family again?
- Willy Wonka: Yeah! Consider that a bonus!
- Violet Beauregarde: [after stretching into a pretzel shape] Look mother, I'm much more flexible now.
- Mrs. Beauregarde: [disapprovingly] Yes, but you're blue.
- Mike Teavee: You don't understand *anything* about science! First off, there's a difference between waves and particles! DUH! Second, the amount of power it would take to convert energy into matter would be like nine atomic bombs!
- Willy Wonka: MUMBLER! Seriously, I can't understand a word you're saying!
- Willy Wonka: [about Violet grabbing the gum] I'd rather you didn't. There's still one or two things that are a...
- Violet Beauregarde: I'm the World Record holder in chewing gum. I'm not afraid of anything!
- [pops the gum in her mouth]
- Mrs. Beauregarde: How is it, honey?
- Violet Beauregarde: It's amazing! Tomato soup, I can feel it running down my throat!
- Willy Wonka: Yeah! Spit it out.
- Grandpa Joe: Young lady, I think you'd better...
- Violet Beauregarde: It's changing... roast beef and baked potato. Crispy skin and butter!
- Mrs. Beauregarde: Keep chewin' kiddo! My little girl's gonna be the first person in the world to have a chewing gum meal!
- Willy Wonka: Yeah. I'm just a little concerned about the...
- Violet Beauregarde: Blueberry pie and ice cream!
- Willy Wonka: That part.
- Veruca Salt: [staring at Violet] What's happening to her nose?
- [Violet keeps chewing and her nose starts turning blue]
- Mr. Salt: You're turning blue!
- Mrs. Beauregarde: Your whole nose has gone purple!
- Violet Beauregarde: [touching her nose] W-What do you mean?
- Mrs. Beauregarde: Violet, you're turning violet!
- [to Wonka; concerned]
- Mrs. Beauregarde: What's happening?
- Willy Wonka: Well, I told you I hadn't quite got it right, 'cause it goes a little funny when it gets to the dessert. It's the Blueberry Pie that does it. I'm terribly sorry!
- Violet Beauregarde: Mother, what's happening to me?
- [continues to turn blue and starts to grow]
- Grandpa Joe: She's swelling up!
- Charlie Bucket: Like a blueberry!
- Willy Wonka: [to Mrs. Beauregarde] I've tried it on, like, twenty Oompa-Loompas and each one ended up as a blueberry. It's just weird!
- Mrs. Beauregarde: But I can't have a blueberry as a daughter. How is she supposed to compete?
- Veruca Salt: You could put her in a county fair!
- [Wonka laughs]
- Grandpa George: The kids who are going to find the golden tickets are the ones who can afford to buy candy bars every day! Our Charlie gets only one a year. He doesn't have a chance.
- Grandma Josephine: Everyone has a chance, Charlie.
- Grandpa George: Mark my words. The kid who finds the first ticket will be fat, fat, fat.
- [Cuts to Augustus Gloop holding up the winning ticket]
- German Reporter: Augustus!
- Augustus Gloop: [as cameras flash] I'm eating the Wonka bar and I taste something that is not chocolate. Or coconut, or walnut, or peanut butter, or nougat, or butter brittle, or caramel, or sprinkles. So I look and I find the golden ticket.
- Veruca Salt: Daddy, I want a flying glass elevator!
- Mr. Salt: Veruca, the only thing you're getting today is a bath, and that's final!
- Veruca Salt: But I want it!
- Violet Beauregarde: What's so funny?
- Willy Wonka: I think it's from all those dog-gone cocoa beans. Hey, by the way, did you guys know that chocolate contains a property that triggers the release of endorphins? Gives one the feeling of being in love.
- Mrs. Beauregarde: [flirtily] You don't say?
- Willy Wonka: I sure hope no part of him gets left behind.
- Mr. Teavee: What do you mean?
- Willy Wonka: Uh, well... sometimes only half of the little pieces find their way through. If you had to choose only one half of your son, which one would it be?
- Mr. Teavee: What kind of a question is that?
- Willy Wonka: No need to snap, just a question.
- Augustus Gloop: [Augustus steps in front of Veruca] I'm Augustus Gloop. I love your chocolate.
- Willy Wonka: I can see that. So do I. I never expected to have so much in common.
- [Wonka stops and turns around to Mike]
- Willy Wonka: You, you're Mike Teavee. You're the little devil who cracked the system.
- [looks at Charlie]
- Willy Wonka: And you, well, you're just lucky to be here, aren't you?
- Willy Wonka: [as the Glass Elevator passes over a hospital wing, where Oompa-Loompa doctors and nurses are tending to their puppet patients] This is the Puppet Hospital and Burn Center. It's relatively new.
- Grandpa Joe: I saw Willy Wonka with my own two eyes. I used to work for him, you know.
- Charlie Bucket: You did?
- Grandpa Joe: I did.
- Grandma Josephine: He did.
- Grandpa George: He did.
- Grandma Georgina: I love grapes.
- [first lines]
- Narrator: This is a story of an ordinary little boy named Charlie Bucket. He was not faster, or stronger, or more clever than other children. His family was not rich or powerful or well-connected; in fact, they barely had enough to eat. Charlie Bucket was the luckiest boy in the entire world. He just didn't know it yet.
- Violet Beauregarde: [hugs Wonka] Mr. Wonka, I'm Violet Beauregarde.
- Willy Wonka: [freaked out] Oh. I don't care.
- Violet Beauregarde: Well, you should care. Because I'm the girl who's gonna win the special prize at the end.
- Willy Wonka: Well, you do seem confident and confidence is key.
- Willy Wonka: And the rest of you must be their p-p-...
- Mr. Salt: Parents?
- Willy Wonka: Yeah! Moms and dads!
- [expression darkens]
- Willy Wonka: Dad? Papa?
- Mike Teavee: In the end, I only had to buy one candy bar.
- TV Reporter: And how did it taste?
- Mike Teavee: I don't know. I hate chocolate.
- Grandpa George: Well, it's a good thing you're going to a chocolate factory, you ungrateful little bu-
- [Mr. Bucket claps his hands over Charlie's ears so he can't hear what's being said]
- Willy Wonka: Why, I believe they're going to treat us to a little song. It is quite a special occasion, of course. They haven't had a fresh audience in many a moon.
- Oompa Loompa: Augustus Gloop / Augustus Gloop / The great big greedy Nincompoop / Augustus Gloop, so big and vile, so greedy foul and infantile / Come on, we cry, the time is ripe to send him shooting up the pipe / But don't, dear children be alarmed, Augustus Gloop will not be harmed, Augustus Gloop will not be harmed / Although of course we must admit, he will be altered quite a bit / Slowly wheels go round and round, and cogs begin to grind and pound / This greedy brute, this louces ear, is loved by people everywhere, for who could hate or bare a grudge against a luscious bit of fudge?
- Veruca Salt: Will Violet always be a blueberry?
- Willy Wonka: No. Maybe. I dunno. But that's what you get from chewing gum all day, it's just disgusting.
- Mike Teavee: If you hate gum so much, why do you make it?
- Willy Wonka: Once again you really shouldn't mumble, 'cause it's kinda starting to bum me out.
- Augustus Gloop: [offering the Wonka bar he had been munching on to Charlie] Would you like some chocolate?
- Charlie Bucket: Sure!
- Augustus Gloop: [yanking the candy bar away] Then you should have brought some.
- Dr. Wonka: Heavens. I haven't seen bicuspids like these since... since...
- [long pause]
- Dr. Wonka: Willy?
- Willy Wonka: Hi, Dad.
- [long pause]
- Dr. Wonka: All these years and you haven't flossed.
- Willy Wonka: Not once.
- Welcome Puppets: Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, the amazing chocolatier / Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, everybody give a cheer--hurray! / He's modest, clever, and so smart, he barely can restrain it / With so much generosity, there is no way to contain it, to contain it, to contain... to contain... to contain... hurray! / Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, he's the one that you're about to meet / Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, he's the genius who just can't be beat / The magician and the chocolate whiz / The best darn guy who ever lived / Willy Wonka, here he is!
- Willy Wonka: You're all quite short, aren't you?
- Violet Beauregarde: Well yeah, we're children.
- Willy Wonka: Well that's no excuse. I was never as short as you.
- Mike Teavee: You were once.
- Willy Wonka: Was not. Know why? Because I distinctly remember putting a hat on top of my head. Look at your short little arms. You could never reach.
- Willy Wonka: [while passing a room where Oompa Loompa's are shearing pink wool from sheep] I'd rather not talk about this one.