- Barry: Vincent Van Gogh. Everyone said to him, "You can't be a great painter, you only have one ear." And you know what he said? "I can't hear you."
- Barry: So dare to dream. Dream your wildest dreams. You can climb the highest mountain. You can drown in a teacup, if you find a big enough teacup. And if somebody tells you that you can't do something, you say, 'Yes, I can. 'Cause I'm doing it right now!'
- Darla: [seductively] I'm a naughty little schoolgirl...
- Barry: You look a little old to be a schoolgirl.
- Darla: I need to be punished. I cheated in class. Don't you want to be my school teacher?
- Barry: I'm really not qualified I work for the IRS.
- Darla: [winks] Not tonight...
- Barry: No, all the time. I work...
- Darla: Ok, ok! You work for the IRS and I have been very, very bad. I haven't paid my taxes and I need to be spanked, NOW!
- Barry: Well, that's really not the way it works, you probably just have to pay the difference, plus interest...
- Barry: When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Unless you don't have any water or sugar. And then you just eat the lemons, and the rind will give you diarrhea.
- Tim: Any one of you would throw me under the bus for a bigger bonus, but Barry would throw himself under a car to protect a mouse... that was already dead.
- Marco - Blind Swordsman: I love to paint.
- Davenport: Oh wow, are you any good?
- Marco - Blind Swordsman: I don't know.
- Therman: Now tell us, Barry, why did your wife leave? Spit it out of your mouth. Say it. Say it, boy.
- Barry: I lost her clitoris!
- Robin: You lost her clitoris?
- Barry: She got mad because I couldn't find it, and I said 'It's probably in your purse,' because nine times out of 10 when she loses something, that's where they end up.
- Robin: Barry, do you even know what that is?
- Barry: I don't know what half the stuff in her purse is.
- Therman: Don't worry Barry. I found it. It was in her purse. It was in her naughty purse.
- Robin: Wow. Well thank God somebody found it, right?
- Barry: I thought I found it under the couch. Turns out it was just an old piece of chewing gum.
- Barry: OK, may I give you some advice too? Do not wear fishnets on New Year's Eve. It's too cold. When the wind blows, you gotta go with the hose.
- Barry: SWITZERLAND. I LOVE SWITZERLAND. And your cheese, Does the cheese come out of the cow with the holes?
- Kieran: Sometimes I'll be working on a piece, and I'll think, "No, this is bullshit." So I will literally rub bull excrement on the piece as a metaphor.
- Tim: Wait, wait, I know that looked awkward, but you've gotta trust me.
- Julie: Trust you?
- Tim: Yes. I trust you. I know you spent the night at Kieran's ranch. I know nothing happened. Right?
- Julie: I didn't go to Kieran's ranch last night. I'm going now.
- Tim: No! Don't go! Don't go!
- Julie: Tim, I have to go. It's my job. We're going to San Francisco this weekend to set up for the show. He wants me to be part of his artistic process.
- Tim: His artistic process... That means sex, Julie. He told me last night when I broke into his house!
- Julie: You broke into his house?
- Tim: Hmm?
- Julie: My God. I guess there is a you I don't know. It's too bad. I was so in love with the other one.
- Kieran: Have you ever just spent five months living with a herd of goats, as one of them?
- Barry: No.
- Kieran: No? That surprises me. The thing about a goat is, it never denies itself what it's hungry for.
- Barry: A goat will eat anything. A goat could probably eat a bike.
- Kieran: A goat could eat itself, if it was driven to it. I'm just a goat... who's halfway through eating itself.
- Barry: Just to be clear, what exactly are we talking about?
- Kieran: Everything.
- Julie: [holds a mouse dressed like Jesus in her hand] What is this?
- Tim: That's a... It's a mouse dressed like Jesus. This guy I ran into today, he makes them. He's amazing. He's some kind of artisan.
- Julie: Really? Are you going to that dinner?
- Tim: No.
- [Julie starts leaving]
- Tim: Hey, come on.
- Julie: No, not when you're lying to me.
- Tim: Julie, Fender invited me.
- Julie: So?
- Tim: Fender, as in Fender Financial?
- Julie: The you I know would have just said no.
- Tim: The me that you know did say no. But the me that you don't know had to say yes.
- Julie: The you I don't know?
- Tim: Yes. Look, there's you and the me that you know. And we love each other and we have a wonderful life. But then there's the me that you don't know. And the me that you don't know has to do things sometimes so that you and the me that you know can live in this nice apartment, and eat a nice restaurants and go to Cabo for Christmas. He takes care of us.
- Julie: You know what? There should not be any you I don't know.
- Tim: But there is. You might not like him. I don't like him. I hate him! But we need him. You know? It's like the CIA.
- Julie: The CIA?
- Tim: The CIA does some pretty funky, nasty stuff in the shadows, but I, for one, am glad they're there.
- Julie: The CIA doesn't invite people to dinner to make fun of them.
- Tim: No. The CIA kills people. And I'm getting raked over the coals because of a little dinner.
- Julie: Can I just ask you something? Is there any you I don't know who isn't completely full of shit? I'd love to talk to him right now.
- Tim: Julie.
- Müeller: I thought this was Julie.
- Julie: Nope. I'm Julie.
- Barry: They are both Julie. Julie and Julie.
- Julie: Susana thought you were gonna lose your promotion if I didn't show up today. Look at your. You had a replacement all lined up.
- Darla: Yeah.
- Tim: No, no, no. This is a huge misunderstanding.
- Barry: Let me explain. This is Darla. She's a naughty schoolgirl who cheats on her taxes. I didn't know whether you were gonna come today, so I brought Darla to keep things running smoothly. Very important potential client.
- Julie: That clears that up. Yeah. Thank you.
- Darla: Darling, you're embarrassing yourself.
- [pulls up engagement ring]
- Darla: It's over.
- Julie: She's really quite a catch, Tim. Congratulations.
- Tim: No! Julie...
- Julie: [shakes hands] Nice to have met you. He's very crafty.
- [first lines]
- Tim: [watching out the window] Poor Jacobson.
- Josh: He took his stapler? How pitiful is that?
- Tim: Still, you got to hand it to him... he wen! for it.
- Josh: That was his big mistake. Always stay in the middle of the pack. It's the frontrunners who fall off the cliff.
- Susana: At least Jacobson made it up on the seventh floor. It smells like cabbage on this floor.
- Tim: That's the smell of dead dreams.
- Susana: I go to the clubs at night and people are like, "Hey, who's wearing the coleslaw?" Do you know how hard it is to get laid when you smell like coleslaw? Not hard, but Still.
- Josh: He had a pretty sweet office. I wonder whos gonna get it?
- Tim: You wonder who's gonna get his office? Jesus, Josh, why don't you show a little class? The guy just got fired.
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
