- Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright: [to Sam Clemens] I don't know about that name Mark Twain. It seem to me like that I've heard a lot better names than that before. You sure that's a fittin' name for a writer?
- Samuel Clemens: Now, back a couple of months ago, I was in California, a place called Calaveras County and the folks there seemed to think that they wanted to hold a, sort of a... a little frog jumping contest.
- Minnie Billington: Yeah, I heard about it. You're the fellow who thinks up all that junk. Signs himself Josh.
- Second Squatter: It's kind of hard to figure where your property ends and the world begins.
- Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright: Well, if you have any trouble, we'll be happy to show you. The next time you want to know where the rest of the world begins, you might try asking.
- Judge Jeremy Clarence Billington: Ah, my dear, today you are the epitome of feminine pulchritude.
- Minnie Billington: Don't you talk dirty to me, Jeremy Billington!
- First Squatter: We're just passin' through.
- Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright: Well, next time you go around.
- Bill Raleigh: Are you afraid "The Enterprise" won't print any story you happen to dig up?
- Samuel Clemens: You know, I had a little bet with myself that you'd go along with me.
- Bill Raleigh: Sam, this is a newspaper, not a comic strip - you come up with a story, and "The Enterprise"ll print it!