- [from end of movie bloopers]
- Calvin Joyner: Are you not a super tool? You're not even Robbie Wheirdicht. You're Bob Stone!
- Bob Stone: Shh! I made that name up.
- Calvin Joyner: So what?
- Bob Stone: It's not real.
- Calvin Joyner: What does that mean? What, you think Mr. T, and Sting, and The Rock... You think those guys are real? That's a bunch of dumbass nicknames by a bunch of dumbass people.
- Calvin Joyner: Which car are we taking?
- Bob Stone: [chucks a grenade under an SUV] Not that one.
- Calvin Joyner: [walking away quickly] Oh, my God... Oh, God.
- [the grenade goes off]
- Calvin Joyner: Oh shit!
- [Calvin attempts a flip and falls flat on his face]
- Phil: What the hell was that?
- Calvin Joyner: Golden Jet flip.
- Phil: Yeah? Well, you really suck at it.
- Calvin Joyner: I know.
- Phil: Then why'd you do it?
- Calvin Joyner: Distraction.
- [Bob shows up behind Phil and rips open his throat]
- Maggie: Look, honey, I think that we should see someone.
- Calvin Joyner: What do, what do you mean, "Someone"? What do you mean?
- Maggie: See someone, like a, like a therapist.
- Calvin Joyner: Uh, Honey, black people don't go to therapy. We go to barbershops. That's where we talk out our problems. Or we watch the movie Barbershop. One or the other.
- Bob Stone: Wow, Jet! You look amazing!
- Calvin Joyner: You think?
- Bob Stone: Oh, what? Yes!
- Calvin Joyner: I just didn't know the kind of look to go for on my first day at the Agency.
- Bob Stone: You look like a black Will Smith, or something!
- Bob Stone: [speaking in front of high school class reunion] Being the hero of your own story isn't about stopping bad guys or climbing mountains. It's about overcoming bullies in your life, whatever or whomever they may be. It's about putting it all out there for everyone to see. And it's realizing that, in life, the most important thing that you can be is yourself.
- Calvin Joyner: [seated between two angry CIA agents] I'm-I'm gonna, I'm gonna address the elephant in the room. Okay, fir-first of all, you... You guys, I want to say sorry to. Because wha-wha-what you're probably thinking is not what happened. Accidents! I know you're like, "How can you accidentally pistol-whip somebody and shoot somebody?" Well, it can happen. Okay? Today is proof that it can happen. So... I'm glad I got to get that off my chest.
- Agent Pamela Harris: Relax, Mr. Joyner. I believe you.
- Calvin Joyner: Okay, thank you.
- Agent Pamela Harris: Trust me, I know a scared-shitless civilian when I see one.
- Jared the Airport Security Guard: Sir, you cannot be in here. This is a private airfield.
- Calvin Joyner: I understand that but I have an organ in this cooler right now that needs to be transported ASAP.
- Jared the Airport Security Guard: Really? Because my sister-in-law had a heart transplant last year and they did not bring it in a Playmate lunch cooler.
- Calvin Joyner: Well, I hate to break it to you, but this, this is not a, uh... This is not a heart.
- Jared the Airport Security Guard: Oh, it's not a heart?
- Calvin Joyner: No, it's not.
- Jared the Airport Security Guard: Hmm. What is it then?
- Calvin Joyner: It's a dick.
- Jared the Airport Security Guard: Okay. I am made of questions right now.
- Calvin Joyner: Are you familiar with Facebook?
- Agent Pamela Harris: We surveil it.
- Calvin Joyner: He sent me a friend request. That, that, that's how this whole thing started.
- Agent Pamela Harris: And you accepted?
- Calvin Joyner: Oh, stop. Don't do that. Don't do that to me. Don't do that. You give me a second. Okay? Don't, don't, don't fire back like that. Fir-fir-first of all, fuck Mark Zuckerberg, all right? Now, I accepted because it was Facebook. And it's rude when you don't accept it and I don't know if the person on the other end can see me not accept it. That's why I accepted.
- Trevor: Once a fat kid, always a fat kid. Huh? Prove me wrong.
- Calvin Joyner: Bob, come on. Do what you did in the bar.
- [Bob sees his reflection as he was in high school]
- Calvin Joyner: Let's go.
- Bob Stone: Nah. We're not going anywhere, Jet. This whole thing will be over in a jiff.
- Thugged Out: Hey, how about this? Why don't you and your boyfriend apologize to Big Rick here and then go jerk each other off in the parking lot?
- Calvin Joyner: That's, that's a lot...
- Bob Stone: Yeah. You're right, CJ. That's a lot of homophobia coming out of a very angry man. You need to go get that looked at by a trained professional. But, since you have escalated this whole scenario by bringing what I can only assume is an unlicensed firearm into this public place, endangering the lives of all these innocent people, I can no longer, in good conscience, walk away and jerk anyone off in the parking lot.
- Bob Stone: No, you're just sexy as dick right now.
- Calvin Joyner: You don't look somebody in the eyes and say that.
- Trevor: [about Bob] Boy, he's still a scared little bitch.
- Calvin Joyner: You know, you're still an asshole.
- Trevor: Yeah, well, you're still shorter than my cat.
- Calvin Joyner: Hey, wait. Whatever happened to that girl that you liked in high school? Oh, God, man. The Doogie Howser girl. She was, like, fourteen, but somehow she was a senior. She wore a cape.
- Bob Stone: Darla McGuckian.
- Calvin Joyner: Darla McGuckian. "Yucky Gucky." Didn't she have a lazy eye or something?
- Bob Stone: Two of 'em.
- Agent Pamela Harris: Mr. Joyner, it was a pleasure working with you. If you ever want a career change, you give me a call.
- Calvin Joyner: If I were to give you a call, how would I get in touch with you?
- Agent Pamela Harris: Just pick up any phone in your house. They're all bugged.
- [last lines]
- Calvin Joyner: Bob, is that my jacket? I can't...
- Bob Stone: Yes!
- Calvin Joyner: No, wait a minute.
- Bob Stone: Yes!
- Calvin Joyner: Oh, my God! Dude, where'd you get this from?
- Bob Stone: Well, I sleep in it most nights, but it's clean now, totally good. Yeah!
- Calvin Joyner: Man! You are the man! Yes!
- Bob Stone: Family hug! What?
- Calvin Joyner: Ooh. Okay.
- Bob Stone: All right, let's go!
- Calvin Joyner: Okay. All right.
- Maggie: And what's the matter with being an accountant? You love your job.
- Calvin Joyner: No, *you* love your job. I'm good at my job. It's not the same thing.
- [first lines]
- Trevor - 17 Years Old: Man, I told you Robbie Wheirdicht showers here during first period.
- Waitress: Hey guys, my name is Lexi. Just let me know if you need anything.
- Calvin Joyner: Ok.
- Waitress: And I mean, like, anything at all.
- Bob Stone: Okie dokie.
- [Lexie laughs]
- Waitress: You're funny! Do you ever like Snap Chat?
- Calvin Joyner: Oh no, we don't...
- Waitress: [Lexie interrupts Calvin]
- Waitress: I wasn't talking to you.
- Bob Stone: No, no, no. No, I don't do that. I'm just catching up with an old friend from high school.
- Waitress: Aw! You're so sweet!
- Waitress: I think unicorns are sexy too.
- Calvin Joyner: I'm sorry man, I am blown away right now; you used to be fat Robbie. It's like a total transformation, you're like Hercules or somebody. Whadja do? come on, give it to me, whadja do?
- Bob Stone: I didn't do much really.
- Calvin Joyner: Stop it!
- Bob Stone: All right, well, I just did one thing.
- Calvin Joyner: Come on, I need to know.
- Bob Stone: I worked out 6 hours a day, every day, for the last 20 years straight. I mean, anybody can do it, right?
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