American Ultra (2015)

Jesse Eisenberg: Mike Howell

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Quotes 

• Mike Howell : You know what skives me out, Phoebe?

  Phoebe : What?

  Mike Howell : That car down there has moved so much. Like, it was built in a factory, you know, on a production line. And then it was like, shipped here.

  Phoebe : And then, like, this guy drove it all over the place.

  Mike Howell : Yeah, exactly. But all the time, like for years, or really for, like, decades really, this one tree has been sitting in this one place not doing anything until tonight when it, like, stopped the car.

  Phoebe : Yeah?

  Mike Howell : Okay, so this car is always going. And that tree is always just, like, stopping. You know? Like, it's just been stopping there for years until tonight when it met something that it didn't want to keep going, and it was just like, "mmm-mmm! No! You're stopping, too"

  [crying] 

  Mike Howell : And then this tree that has never done anything is fucking, like, destroying this beautiful, really beautiful fast-moving thing.

  Phoebe : Why are you crying?

  Mike Howell : Because, Phoebe, like... am I that tree?

  Phoebe : No. No!

  Mike Howell : I think I'm that tree. And I think you're the car and I think I'm stopping you.

  Phoebe : You are not the tree.

  Mike Howell : Okay.

  Phoebe : I love you.

• [from trailer] 

  Mike Howell : I just killed two people!

  Phoebe : That's awesome.

  Mike Howell : They had guns and knives and they were being total dicks!

• [from trailer] 

  Mike Howell : Something very weird is happening to me: I keep killing people! There's a chance I may be... a robot!

• Victoria Lasseter : Chariot Progressive, listen. Mandelbrot set is in motion. Echo Choir has been breached. We are fielding the ball.

  Mike Howell : Is that a lyric from something?

• Mike Howell : If I die, I'm going to do it stoned and smiling in my bed.

• Laugher : I'm sorry. I can't control it. The things that they did to my head. They made you like they made me. But you're better than me. Who told you what to do?

  Mike Howell : Nobody.

  Laugher : That must be nice.

• Phoebe : Okay, so just lead me through this one more time. Just so I'm clear.

  Mike Howell : Um, I hit him with a spoon and his lungs exploded.

  Phoebe : It wasn't his lungs.

  Mike Howell : No, that's what happened. Because he couldn't breathe because I got him in the neck.

  Phoebe : Yeah, your lungs aren't in your neck, they're in your chest.

  Mike Howell : I know that, Phoebe. No, I don't know that. No, I do. Phoebe, it doesn't even make any sense to me.

  Phoebe : Okay. Okay, so you said something about a lady. What did she say to you?

  Mike Howell : Okay, so she said. I don't know what she said. Like, some bullshit. I don't know what she said.

  Phoebe : Babe. We're in jail. So maybe just try and remember and focus and put it together. What did the lady say?

  Mike Howell : Okay, she said Mandelbrot set is in motion. Echo Choir has been breached. We are fielding the ball.

  Phoebe : Mike, what the fuck does that mean?

  Mike Howell : I don't know. Phoebe, I don't know but I remember it like it just happened. I remember every single thing that happened to me in the last 94 minutes. 94 minutes? How did I even get that number, Phoebe? I remember literally every single thing that happened. I can picture it all.

• [first lines] 

  CIA Interrogator : Where do you want to begin?

  Mike Howell : [thinking, seeing flashbacks]  Dustpan. Spoon. Noodles. Bear. Frying pan. Fire. Apollo Ape. "Marry Me."Where did it all begin?

  Mike Howell : Okay, it started three days ago, in the town of Liman, West Virginia. It's where I lived with my girlfriend, Phoebe. She is the only good thing that's ever happened to me. I honestly cannot even remember my life before her. We were the perfect fucked-up couple. She was perfect, and I was the fuck-up. And we were really, really happy. I wanted to make it forever, so I saved up for the perfect ring. And I planned the perfect romantic trip to surprise her. And then I fucked that up too.

• Mike Howell : Hey Phoebe! Phoebe?

  [over intercom] 

  Mike Howell : Hey Phoebe. I just wanted to say that I love you and that everything is going to be okay. I mean, not perfect, obviously, but better. Like, we'll probably have to get a new house. and also cars. But I'm coming to get you and this will all be over. Soon-ish.

• Adrian Yates : Uh, your girlfriend's here. Would you ever like to see her alive again?

  Mike Howell : I don't know.

  Adrian Yates : So if I just took out my gun and blew her fucking face off, you'd be cool with that?

  Mike Howell : No, that wouldn't be cool. Is she really there with you?

  Phoebe : Mikey? I'm sorry. But I'm the tree. I've been the tree the entire time, you're the car. Okay? I love you. So you can leave. You can go wherever you want and they will fucking never...

  Adrian Yates : [hangs up]  That was really fucking lame.

• Mike Howell : I really am sorry, Phoebe. I really thought I could beat the panic attacks this time.

  Phoebe : It's okay.

  Mike Howell : It's not.

  Phoebe : No, it's fine.

  Mike Howell : No, it's not fine. This is something I really wanted to do for you. Then I ruined it and now we're going back home.

  Phoebe : You didn't ruin this.

  Mike Howell : Yes, I did. It's my fault. You should be mad at me. Why not?

  Phoebe : No. You can't help it, Mike.

  Mike Howell : Okay. Thanks.

• Phoebe : It's not gonna be like this always, you know? Mike, you're like the strongest, kindest person I've ever met in my whole life. I fucking love you. You're a fucking mess, man.

  Mike Howell : I know.

• Mike Howell : Yo, Phoebe, where are we going?

  Phoebe : We are leaving. We are getting the fuck out of town!

  Mike Howell : No, I can't leave town. You know that.

  Phoebe : Well, you didn't have people trying to kill you before, I was thinking maybe that could motivate us here.

  Mike Howell : Okay, fine, so where do you want to go?

  Phoebe : Oh fuck, I don't know!

  Mike Howell : Alright listen. We'll take my car and we'll go to Rose's house, okay?

  Phoebe : What? You want to get high right now? Mike?

  Mike Howell : No! I don't want to get high. Rose has like guns and shit, okay. He can help us hide out and I'm still in handcuff.

  Phoebe : Okay, you are not in any position to be making the plan right now.

  Mike Howell : Really? Well, who is? The cops are all dead.

  Phoebe : The guy in the thing. In the cell thing, doesn't see the gun, You don't point at it and go, gun!

  Mike Howell : Okay, no I recognize that now as, like, a faux pas. I'm sorry.

  Phoebe : And if someone who's trying to kill you goes "wait!" You don't go, oh what do you want to talk about?

  Mike Howell : Okay! You're right. I'm sorry. Please just don't yell at me, okay?

• [from trailer] 

  Mike Howell : I'm going to save my girlfriend!

• Phoebe : How did this happen? How the fuck did this happen?

  Mike Howell : I shot those guys in the head. And that guy, I like, I spooned him in the neck and his shit just, like, ended.

  Phoebe : You just killed two guys?

  Mike Howell : They were trying to stab me, Phoebe.

  Phoebe : Why are people trying to stab you?

  Mike Howell : I don't know! Shh! I don't know, but I am, like, freaking out all over the place. Babe, I have a lot of anxiety about this.

  Sheriff Watts : [sirens wail]  Get your hands in the air!

  Phoebe : Oh, fuck me. Yup.

  Sheriff Watts : Oh, God, it's Mike.

  Mike Howell : I'm sorry!

• Phoebe : Hey. Hey, you seem, like, spooky quiet.

  Mike Howell : I am spooky quiet. I'm like, I think I'm in the anaphylactic shock.

  Phoebe : That's not what that's called.

  Mike Howell : I'm trying to think of stuff, you know. Phoebe, I can't remember anything. I can't even remember where I went to school. Did I go to school?

  Phoebe : Maybe don't think about it.

  Mike Howell : Did we even talk about my parents?

• Victoria Lasseter : Do you remember when you were arrested when you were 18 for the acid? That was when we first met. I was recruiting for a program called Wiseman. Which was basically designed to take third strike misdemeanor offenders and offer them the opportunity to volunteer.

  Mike Howell : Volunteer? For what?

  Victoria Lasseter : To be an experiment.

  Mike Howell : An experiment?

  Victoria Lasseter : Yeah.

  Mike Howell : That was a mistake.

  Victoria Lasseter : No, but Mike, you worked. All the other subjects that came in, they were all failures. But not you. You were a success, but it was driving you insane. It was driving everybody insane. The risks weren't worth the rewards. So I shut it down, and I gave you all new lives and new identities. A fresh start here.

  Mike Howell : Yeah. So you erased my memories and you fucked with my head. And you left me here with a fake girlfriend.

  Victoria Lasseter : This isn't who you always were. The slow thinking, the inability to leave town. The phobias. We did that to protect you.

  Mike Howell : To protect me? Well, tell that to the guys who are trying to kill me.

• Adrian Yates : Hello?

  Mike Howell : Hello.

  Adrian Yates : Who's this?

  Mike Howell : You first.

  Adrian Yates : Oh, fuck me. It's you, isn't it? It's Mike Howell.

  Mike Howell : Yeah, who's this?

  Adrian Yates : Is the house not all on fire?

  Mike Howell : No. Man, the house is basically normal. So what's the plan now? I mean, like, do you surrender?

  Adrian Yates : Fuck, you got me. I surrender. Why don't you come on down to the Max Goods parking lot and accept my surrender?

  Mike Howell : The Max Goods on Wilson? Is that the one across from the tire shop? The Ten Minute Tires?

  Adrian Yates : Yes! That Max Goods.

  Mike Howell : So what happens if I meet you there. Like, how do you accept a surrender? Do I need to sign something?

• Rose : Crazy is as crazy does and you dragged crazy here. And I don't even know what that does or what that is. You see what I'm saying?

  Mike Howell : I don't know, Rose. We just thought it would be, like, safer here.

  Rose : Safer from what?

  Mike Howell : Wait, why do you think it's dangerous?

  Phoebe : Yeah?

  Rose : Like I said to you before, because of the monkeys. The monkeys!

• Sheriff Watts : How many times have you been in this station, Mike? Since you were 22? Your probation officer must be the Michael Jordan of bullshitters because I've never seen you gone more than a couple of hours. Mike, tell me you didn't kill these people.

  Phoebe : They attacked him. He was defending himself.

  Sheriff Watts : Excuse me?

  Phoebe : What was he supposed to do?

  Sheriff Watts : You're his girlfriend. You're his mom. You're his maid. You're his landlady. Now you're his lawyer?

  Mike Howell : It was just a thing. It was just a thing that happened. I didn't mean to.

  Sheriff Watts : You didn't mean to? Two men are dead, Mike. There's no walking away this time.

• Mike Howell : How did you know what that gas was?

  Phoebe : Okay... I...

  Mike Howell : No, no, no. What's going on? How do you know what that gas was?

  Phoebe : I don't know what's going on. But, listen. Baby. Mike, Mike, hey. I don't know what's going on! But I do know what's going on with you, okay? If you just listen. Listen!

  Mike Howell : Okay, tell me then.

  Phoebe : It's not going to make any sense right now.

  Mike Howell : What is going on with me?

  Phoebe : I'm your handler. I was assigned to you five years ago. Please understand, I'm CIA. Okay?

  Mike Howell : You're what?

  Phoebe : Listen to me. It's okay. I've been trying to tell you this for so fucking long.

  Mike Howell : Phoebe. Are you not my girlfriend?

  Phoebe : Of course I'm your girlfriend, babe. That's what I'm telling you.

  Mike Howell : Please stop it. No. No, I can't even look at you. I gotta go.

• Mike Howell : [holding Phoebe]  Come here. You're fine. I'm fine. All right? We made it out of there, okay? And nothing else is gonna happen, I promise. Let's just get in my car...

  [KABOOM! Mike's car explodes] 

• [SPOILERS] 

  Mike Howell : [after Phoebe agrees to marry him]  She said yes!

  [Mike leans in to kiss Phoebe, but is tasered unconscious by a SWAT trooper] 

  Phoebe : Man, come on, just give us, like, one...

  [SWAT tasers her too] 

• [laugher is pouring gasoline over Phoebe's overturned car, with Mike trapped inside] 

  Mike Howell : I fucking hate you, man!

  Laugher : Well, I fucking hate you too, man!

• Mike Howell : This is not the right moment.

• Mike Howell : Leave me alone! Get off of me!

  Phoebe : Mike, relax!

  Mike Howell : Look, I just need to know. Am I real?

  Phoebe : Yes, you're real.

  Mike Howell : Are your parents really dead? Okay, how much of everything that you've ever told me is just a complete lie?

  Phoebe : Not everything is a lie.

  Mike Howell : No, please don't use your grown-up voice with me. No, I was in love with you. I am in love with you. I don't even know who you are!

  Phoebe : [crying]  Fuck, Mike!

  Mike Howell : No, you don't get to fake cry with me, okay. They probably train you how to do this, don't they? To fuck with my emotions. Okay, well stop it. Please stop it. Hey! Stop it, okay! Fucking stop it!

  Phoebe : I'm not lying anymore. Just give me one chance. I'm not going to lie to you anymore.

  Mike Howell : Get out. Get out of my car.

  Phoebe : No. No, Mike. I can't!

  Mike Howell : Get out of my car, okay!

  Phoebe : It's my fucking car!

  Mike Howell : Then get out of the car! Okay!