Reviews

"Come on baby, fart in my gas tank"

While it's temping to allow that direct quote to speak volumes about this film, I suppose its best we cover a little more ground; The Crow 4 follows the mystical journey of someone so Goth they die and come back as Helena Bonham Carter to wreak horrible Tim Burtonised revenge on wrongdoers.

The film is surprisingly full of familiar actors considering it's the 3rd in a long and disastrous trail of The Crow branded sequels. But familiarity doesn't equal quality, but that's somewhat obvious just by a brief glance at the DVD cover. Angel…I mean…Angelis…Sorry - David "I'm a serious actor" Boreanaz reminds us yet again that he's a one trick acting pony with no discernible talent. Meanwhile the only interest Tara Reid holds during the movie is the way her fringe magically becomes higher the more evil she becomes.

The shock of seeing Edward Furlong looking like Marla Singer in Fight Club is actually marginally less alarming than the late movie appearance of Dennis Hopper, as a hip old Satanist pimp (or something) who spouts golden one liners such as "Kiss the bride mother f***er" and "Satan, dude is that you? The original gangsta'?" So even if your theatrical cup runneth over with all that talent there's still the storyline, the confused direction, the script and the makeup – oh god the makeup. So yeah yeah, they're so in love, blah blah, somehow they die, yawn yawn their love was sooo pure and strong he has to come back in gothpaint and kill people. That's basically the only succinct area of the movie. Unable to creatively address the back-story to the film the writers were reduced to a Wile E Coyote intro. This was basically moot because the entire film was a mish mash of Satanism and manic Native American ritual eventually sending the viewer into a psychological epileptic fit.

I suppose if you're 15 and just discovered eyeliner this film may appeal to you. But if you ever loved T2 even just a tiny bit, save yourself the anguish of having to see Furlong this way.

I'd like to start this review off by noting I am a fan of horror, not only that, I am a fan of b grade horror also. I am therefore of sound mind and body when I pronounce this movie a pile of crap.

As we all know, there's different types of good horror. There's bad acting+poor gore+boobs+ 80's=unintentional hilarity (eg: bloody pom poms) there's faux b grade indie low budget homage to the classics horror (eg. Undead, peter jacksons first movie). There's genuine comedy+gore (shaun of the dead, dawn of the dead) then there's trying to be indie, using the actor from Boy Meets World, bad script writing, poor direction, indecisive drivel. (that's Cabin Fever)

I don't know, I should have known from the DVD cover of the 'forest scene/look closer and it's a spooky scull!! OooOOoO' that it was going to be rubbish.

First off the hackneyed teen group is established (don't forget the horny couple) Neither the actors or the script give you any reason to get attached to the characters so prepare to not give a crap when they get infected with the mystery 'suddenly I'm projectile vomiting blood' virus

What you can count on is dozens of unnecessary characters. Watch as they pointlessly drift in and out of the movie like so many dead fish in a pond (or a RESERVIOUR?! Oops, hope I didn't spoil anything original and clever. Groan.) As a side note on that, please note the dramatic music every time there is a shot of a glass of water, cup of tea, empty glass, someone sipping from a glass etc, just in case we didn't get it when we saw the dead body rotting in the river and the extended scene of the pipes going from said river to the cabin where our teens are staying and enjoying glasses of tap water.

The mistake this movie made was trying to be horror quirky and actual horror, and failing miserably at both. Even the gore was overdone and uninspired.

The quirk just wasn't happening, as it came in odd spots through the movie, usually in places where you were baffled by some random 'crazy local' character or script anomaly. Note: a random guy in a bunny suit isn't quirky. It serves only to suggest someone going mad, which opens up all these 'maybe its all just some psychological hallucination' questions. But no, its just some stupid goddamn guy in a bunny suit put there because they thought it would be CLEVER.

So after trudging through an hour or so of infection spreading and vicious dog attacks, (blurry and in the background it looks more like a dog licking food off a mannequin) you're treated with the main character going on a random killing spree? For no apparent reason? Someone then forcibly swallows a harmonica, which is I guess..supposed to be funny. Except that its not too obvious he was playing a harmonica in the first place, or why he was still playing it minutes after being approached by a blood soaked Rider Strong plus harmonica swallowing seems to involve a spray of mouth blood a'la the viruses projectile blood vomiting, so it's all a little confusing. But it doesn't matter, by this time, you're just praying it ends soon.

In heated conclusion, this movie is horrendous! Do yourself a favour and stay away, ignore anyone who says its 'kool d00d' Its not even so bad it's good. And if you didn't feel homicidal tendencies toward that Boy Meets World prat before seeing Cabin Fever, you certainly will now.