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Reviews
The Village (2004)
$8.00 That I Will Never Get Back: Angry Review No. 2
Several words crossed my mind upon leaving the theater after seeing 'The Village,' like "blindingly awful" and "raucous trash." One possible reason for this could be that the film projector malfunctioned at least four times during the movie, but the more likely reason probably is that 'The Village' was blindingly awful, raucous trash, and I would have been better off seeing that stupid Anne Hathaway movie. Don't get me wrong, I'm usually all up for hyped, mid-summer thrillers that shouldn't involve thinking (see my review for 'Open Water.' Actually I HATED that movie. You'd better see my review for 'Final Destination 2'), but this particular film proved wrong my very great expectations. The only thing worse than the disjointed, but surprisingly complicated plot was the lame twist ending that seemed to fall flat on its face (don't worry, I won't ruin it for you). Anyway, I'm not going to waste any more time on this movie than I already have. SASSY That's all. Read my other reviews.
Open Water (2003)
Couple Floats in Ocean: Angry Review No. 1
I didn't think it possible for someone to make such crap out of the perfect storyline: A sexy (gratuitous sex scene at beginning of movie) couple is abandoned in the middle of shark-infested waters. After seeing 'Open Water' I was so frustrated that I had wasted my afternoon that I was compelled to write this dissatisfied review at 1:30 at night.
I, personally was won over by the highly intriguing trailers promising "the scariest movie of the summer" and "sass that will blow your mind," however I found myself bored and hungry after the first ten minutes, and found myself wanting to kill myself after the first twenty minutes. The movie could have been twice as tolerable if the two actors didn't speak; We watched them complain and cry about how unpleasant their vacation has been for about fifteen minutes.
The best review I can give right now is this: After an hour and twenty minutes of 'Open Water' I felt extremely nauseated, not because of the constant bobbing up and down of the actors, or the lack of plot and substance, or the dizzying camera angles, but because I knew that I sat through such a useless movie that I was actually stupider for doing so.
Final Destination 2 (2003)
PIGEONS!!
Final Destination 2 blows the original FD out of the water with 2X the violence, random decapitations, nudity, and impalings. It is the exact same story line as the first movie, with one dangerous difference; the entire cast is younger, sexier, and juicier. Joining the brand new faces is our old friend, the sassiest final destinator there ever was
Clear Rivers, otherwise known as Bangs. Unfortunately, she lost the bangs and the sass, but what she lacked in attitude, she made up for in crazy. Another familiar face is the sintling mortuary owner who lives in an underground cave for some reason. He teaches Clear Rivers and some other girl a passionate lesson about Death that they will not soon forget--not even if they tried; no, no. In conclusion, Final Destination 2 proves to be the only movie that can crush a young boy with a giant plate of glass with class and poise.
Bernice Bobs Her Hair (1976)
HOLY CRAP! what a thriller!
I thoroughly enjoyed 'Bernice Bobs Her Hair.' The story is that of Bernice, played by the stunning Shelly Duvall, who spends the summer with her cousin, Marjorie. It ended up being a sweet and saxy summer that no one would ever forget. Marjorie decides that before her cousin leaves, she should teach her a little something about what it's like winning the men during the mid-1920's! Marjorie sasses up a big bowl of attitude when she realizes that her own friends have taken a shine to Beatrice! The story culminates at the trilling and shocking surprise ending of the movie! 'Bernice Bobs Her Hair' gives us an steamy, intimate peek into the scandalous lives of the rich. This movie has everything: love, lust, adventure, exploitation, deceit, and revenge. A must see!
When Brendan Met Trudy (2000)
sexy + sassy = SAXY!!
More like When Sexy Met Sassy! This movie created the the super-genre 'saxy.' This was a hot action-adventure that knew no boundaries. It explored whimsical worlds while defining a nation. Truly, one of the turning points in director, Kieron J. Walsh's career. This movie examines the meeting of a man, Brendan, and a woman, Trudy. Never before has a film so accurately depicted the complex relationship between to humans. The success of 'When Brendan Met Trudy' was a combination of brilliant choreography and ingenious lighting design. A fun phsychological thriller with a surprising twist ending that will leave you breathless. A true modern masterpiece. I didn't actually see this movie.
Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001)
Disney does it again!!
Disney's Atlantis depicts the journey of Milo, some scientist, which takes him deep into the ocean, supposedly where the lost continent of Atlantis is to be found. Once there, Milo meets a whole bunch of Atlantians, including Princess Kida who shakes it really fast and teaches him how to love; Atlantis-style. The movie brilliantly blends the two genres of fantasy and crap, creating the genre called fantacrap. Atlantis is long and pointless, but also wildly sexy and tastefully sassy. If you liked Treasure Planet, you'll go CRAZY for Atlantis.
Dangerous Minds (1995)
Not as dangerous as you might think...
i was somewhat disappointed my dangerous minds because it was hardly as dangerous as the title led me to believe. there were zero gun fights and only one knife/drug fight which i wouldn't even consider a rumble. however michelle phiffer was in it playing the sassy cop-turned-schoolteacher. it was a fun ride, but i do not understand why she took all of those students to dinner. i'm surprised she wasn't fired (don't worry. it doesn't give anything away).
Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit (1993)
BIG D busts a move in this sexy thriller!
There is only one word needed to summarize Sister Act 2: HOTTT! The whole crew you love and remember from the original Sister Act is back for more in this sexy, sassy, sequal! Whoopi, Maggie Smith, and BIG D (played by Cathy Najimy) return with a few new faces like Lauren Hill, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and some other kids. Big D steals the show by bustin' out two times over in this hot sequal! Whoopi is a music teacher for some reason. SISTER ACT 2 IS A GIFT FROM THE HOLLYWOOD GODS!!!
Gossip (2000)
HOTTT!
i saw this movie a couple of hours ago. it was fun, hip, sexy, sassy, and really dangerous. the plot made no sense, but i loved it. i wish it was longer. i could have watched that movie for hours. i think everyone should see "Gossip."