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Daikaijû Batoru: Urutora Ginga Densetsu - The Movie (2009)
My favourite superhero film of all time
Ladies and Gentlemen, the best superhero movie of all time. Years and years ago an Ultraman named Belial attempted to gain access to the Plasma Spark, the artificial sun which serves as the power source for the Ultraman homeworld known as The Land of Light. He failed and was banished but not before bonding with a powerful alien entity called Reiblood and then returning to attempt to steal the Plasma Spark, he failed again and was this time imprisoned, years have gone by and now Ultraman Belial is free, he plans to steal the plasma spark, destroy the land of light and gain access to the monster graveyard, the inter-dimensional realm where the souls of all the monsters ever defeated go. Now bear in mind, there have been over a dozen Ultraman shows and they all had weekly monster, all those monster all in one place, and all revived at the hands of one evil Ultraman, This is as epic as it sounds. This movie gets everything right, let me go through it: Production design: This film has some great sets flawlessly blending CGI and real sets, I dare you to tell which is which in a lot of the bigger scenes, the overall look is an easy a-plus. Music: The usual kick-ass battle music we've come to expect from this franchise but with gravitas in scenes where it's needed. Fight choreography: Here is where the film easily shines over any western superhero film, I mean yeah the fight scenes in the MCU movies have been able to blend CGI and live fighting almost flawlessly but here it's all wirework and martial arts with a little CGI for power attacks, just enough to make it look good. The two best scenes are the attack on the land of the light and the showdown in the monster graveyard. The attack on the land of light is when Ultraman Belial attacks the land of light in order to seize the plasma spark, but in order to get there he has to fight his way through a whole army of Ultramen. I love this scene for two reasons, firstly the Ultramen included in the fighting firmly establish 'Ultraman: The Legend Begins', 'Ultraman Beyond' and 'Ultraman Powered' (all foreign crossovers) as being in cannon, clearly demonstrating that the creative team knew what they were doing and had a deep love of the Ultraman universe. The other thing I love is that all the Ultramen Belial has to fight through have each had whole TV series to build up their credibility, each has had a whole series of us watching them fight monsters on a weekly basis, sometimes battling more then one on occasion and some taking on evils that threaten the existence of the entire multiverse. And yet Ultraman Belial is able to fight his way through by fighting them three at a time, This is the best way to establish how unstoppable the villain is and why to this day Ultraman Belial is one of my favourites villains of all time, this and his design is appropriately hellish and the guy doing the voice sounds appropriately maniacal and gleeful. The other fight scene I like is the showdown in the Monster Graveyard, this scene is almost a reverse of the assault on the land of light, here the few Ultramen who survived the assault on their home face off against Ultraman Belial and a whole army of monsters, it's urgent, it's dynamic, it is awesome. Acting: the acting in this movie is great, it's actually a bit more toned down then in other movies which people could accuse of being melodramatic, making it a more accessible movie for others. Characters: this movie is a grand anniversary and reunites over forty years worth of Ultramen, though some get taken out early no one feels sidelined, the only problem I have is that there is a crossover with another series about a group of humans flying around with a spaceship and one of them has a machine with which he can summon monsters but they don't take up too much screen time and their presence is explained so I don't mind them, they also pick up Ultraman Dyna (who's from the Ultraman Tiga universe but let's not get into that) just to add one of the alternate universe Ultramen to this reunion. Story: I am actually really impressed that this story works so well, having to fit in so many characters and yet it manages to make them all fit, the script could easily have felt like fan service designed to be the ultimate Ultraman crossover but it actually feels like a decent story. And so here it is, my favourite Superhero film of all time, serving as a great introduction to Ultraman, a great tribute to years of Ultraman lore, a great tokusatsu film, and a kick-ass superhero film.
Solarman (1989)
An obscure but worthwhile exercise.
SPOILER: Ever heard of Solarman? Of course not because his comic only ran for two issues or so before being cancelled and his cartoon only ran for one episode; this one. Gormagga Kraal is an alien warlord who is planning to drain the sun of all its power so he can convert it into energy for his super-laser. The scientist who developed the super-laser decides he doesn't like this at all and so he fires a strange bracelet device to Earth where it is discovered by a boy named Benjamin Tucker. The scientist explain that if Benjamin Tucker presses the button on the bracelet while it's out in the sunlight then it will turn him into a fully grown superhero named Solarman. If you're a fan of the cheesy then you owe it to yourself to see this film; it's short so it's not too much of your life gone and it manages to pack a lot of 'what the flying hell?' into its runtime. This movie is technically solid for its time and action is incredibly entertaining.
The Incredible Hulk (2008)
Why did everyone forget this movie?
How do you pick up the pieces from 'Hulk'? A remake perhaps? Instead they came up with a more daring plan, a loose sequel. This movie's opening credits are a recap of the last movie but at the same time not, things are slightly different and much less complicated then before so this film is actually both a loose sequel and a reboot. But instead of running us by the origin story all over again and wasting our time this film briefs us on the characters in the opening credits and then away we go for new adventures. This film is genius, unlike Hulk this film embraces it's premise and has fun with it, at the same time though it manages to be a more thoughtful movie then 'Hulk' but without sucking all the fun out of the enterprise. This movie does everything right but there are two things I have to give special attention to, firstly the effects are beyond awesome, some of the best CGI I have ever seen. Secondly this film's finale is the best ever: The Incredible Hulk vs. The Abomination in one of the best Superhero duels of all time. Two titans of pure physical strength duke it out in New York, and it is beyond awesome, the less I say the better but let me put it this way, Hulk uses a broken car as boxing gloves, What else can I say? One of my favourite MCU films and one of my favourite superhero movies period.
Superman Returns (2006)
The ghost of a good idea shot with horse tranquilizers
There are many people (myself included) who attribute the failure of 'X-Men: Last Stand' to the lack of Bryan Singer because he stepped down from directing to work on this
film. Add this one to list of worst decisions ever in Hollywood, right up there with turning down the Riddley Scott/James Cameron Alien 4 so as to do the Alien vs, Predator movies. Now if you look at the numbers you'll see that there was a definite gap between 'Superman IV: The Quest for Peace' and this film, now you're probably wondering why it took so long for the most recognizable Superhero of all time to have another shot at the big screen. That's because a Superman movie was in development hell for years. Going through numerous studios, writers and directors, at one point there was even going to be a Tim Butron directed movie with Nicholas Cage as Superman, the movie was planned to go for a more b-movie style and would have included a giant robot spider and Brainiac would have been in it somewhere. In some alternate universe I am talking about that movie, and even if it had been bad it would have been better then this. Firstly this film is set after Superman I and II ignoring the events of Supermans III and IV, apparently after the events of Superman II Superman discovered Krypton and left Earth to go and find it, now he returns and finds that in his absence things have gone badly, Lois Lane got engaged someone else and had a kid (the movie implies she did this out of spite but I'll get to Lois Lane in a minute), Pa Kent is dead and Lex Luthor is loose because Superman wasn't around to testify at his trial and is already cooking up some new scheme. I'll spoil it for you, he uses a crystal from the fortress of solitude and a shard of kryptonite to create a new continent that will not only allow him to rule the real estate business (because this new continent will make others collapse as it grows bigger) but it will also be superman proof. There are two big ways this plan is idiotic; firstly Lex Luthor has a gang of four to five goons against the armies of the world, I think if they wanted to use the new continent and Luthor tried to stop them it would literally be a case of 'you and what army?', secondly this new continent is made entirely out of crystal, nothing can grow on it!!! You are basically dooming the human race to slow starvation, possibly cannibalism, so much for the greatest criminal mastermind of all time. But this leads to my first problem with the movie, WHY LEX LUTHOR!?!?!? Superman has a whole rogues gallery of villains any of whom would have been fascinating villains in their own movies; Atomic Skull, Kryptonite Man, Mongul, Imperiex, Brainiac, or Cyborg Superman, any one of these guys would have been fascinating, but instead for the fifth movie in row we have yet another Lex Luthor villain, and here he's at his weakest with none of the charm of the older Lex Luthor but his assurance that he's a criminal genius. Lois Lane is another problem in this movie, going from the strong woman she's suppose to be into this petty, whiny, male dependent twit who turns bitter and angry against Superman for 'leaving without saying goodbye' and behaves in a most unprofessional way, say what you will about old Lois Lane but at least she was professional. But these two characters are only the tip of the iceberg in terms of the problems with this movie, the other huge problem is the pacing, this film is way way too long, it clocks in at 154 minutes, but has so little story it could have been half an hour long, as a result there are so many scenes that just drag on and on and on and on and ON!!! The acting is not there, at all, the 'plot twist' is obvious, the attempts to make superman more realistic make him dull, this movie is everything wrong with the old movies under the hand of Bryan Singer, the man who made 'Jack the Giant Killer' (one of the my favourite mythological characters) boring! There is only one scene I liked, the bit when Superman asks Lois why she wrote all that stuff about he world not needing superman and she gives this immature little rant to which he responds "you say the world doesn't need a saviour, and yet I hear a thousand voices cry out it does." Ha! But yeah, the way to go with Superman wasn't to go back to the old movies, it was to take the character in fresh new direction, sadly we'd have to wait seven years before that happened
Elektra (2005)
The only good thing about this movie is how forgettable it is
For some ungodly reason someone decided to make a spin off movie about Elektra, the weakest aspect of the Daredevil movie. This movie is one of most cliché I have ever seen; every bad Ninja movie cliché and every bad woman led action movie cliché is here with a few more for good measure. This movie also criminally waists a great cast; Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Terence Stamp and Jason Isaacs all need to fire their agents immediately as they are all given weak throw away parts where they do nothing to improve the stories, this is especially infuriating as the actors who they got to fill all the major parts simply do not care. The queen of apathy is none other then our leading lady Jennifer Garner herself who gives a performance that puts Jennifer Lawrence and Kristen Stewart to shame. But there is one aspect of this movie that is particularly bad. One aspect that changes this movie from simply bad to awful. Fans of MST3K will be aware of a simple yet evil process called Hypno-Helio-static-stasis, this is the process by which a normal generic movie is made unbearable by making it as slow as a slug wading through a pool of honey. It was believed this process as forgotten as some point after the 1960s but is appears that the creators of Elektra are familiar with this process and used it to make this film one of most painful viewing experiences in this book. This is the first movie made in the 2000s that actually reminded me of a Coleman Francis movie. Throw in generic music, terrible animation and sub-par camera-work and you've got this unbearably generic movie that is painful to sit through but is mercifully forgettable once you've seen it.
Monsters vs Aliens (2009)
A cool tribute and a great animated film
I am a fan of Superheroes, I am a fan of b-movies, and so I love films that blur the line between the two, part of the reason is also because I think that a lot of those old B-movies could be remade as superhero movies very easily, you want proof? Sam Raimi's Darkman was inspired by old universal horror films and mad scientist B-movie, Wes Craven's Swamp Thing also blurs the lines a bit and you also have this movie. Aliens have invaded the earth, sending in a giant robot probe, after attempts to destroy it fail the government resorts to an alternate method; Monsters. For years the US government has been capturing and containing monsters the most recent of which is Ginormica, a to-be bride who is hit by a meteor which contained radioactive material which causes her to grow giant, she joins the team which already consists of Dr Cockroach, B.O.B, the Missing Link and Insectosaurus. Everyone of the monsters is a stand-in for some iconic b-movie monster; 'Missing Link' – 'Creature From the Black Lagoon', 'B.O.B.' –'The Blob', 'Dr Cockroach' – 'The Fly', 'Ginormica' – 'The Fifty Foot Woman', and 'Insectosaurus' – 'Godzilla/Mothra'. As a tribute to those old B-movies this film succeeds, the plot is over-the-top, the story is outrageous and the action is top. But this films succeeds on another levels, this movie is outrageously funny; the verbal humour, the slapstick are both done expertly and the voice actors are having a blast, top points to Hugh Laurie (yes, THE Hugh Laurie) as Dr Cockroach. And yet past the humour and the b-movie tribute this film also has its fair share of tender moments and it's kind of heartfelt overall. This movie is great: kids and adults will love it, proof of my theory that when Dreamworks are good they are fantastic. So where's that superhero remake of The Manster? What about The Amazing Colossal Man? Or The Indestructible Man? Octaman? Blood Freak? The Amazing Transparent Man? Come on studios! Most of these movies are in public domain for crying out loud! And there's no shortage of B-movie loving directors and writers, Make this stuff happen!
The Wolverine (2013)
Criminal waist
Considering how much I liked 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine' I was actually exited about this movie; especially when I heard it was going to be set in Japan and have a lot of elements of a Yakuza film. I love Japan, especially in Superheroes. And in my naivety I thought there was no way they could botch this. Oh how wrong I was. Following the events of 'X-Men: Last Stand' Wolverine is living by himself and rocking a hobo beard up in Alaska. He is found by another mutant named Yukio who has been sent to find Wolerine. As it turns out he had an old friend from Japan whose life he once saved. The friend is now the head of a powerful Yakuza family but is also dying. Wolverine goes to pay him his last respects but gets caught up in all kinds of family power struggles. This is the set up to an awesome movie and in the hands of a different creative team it might have worked but not here, not with this director, not with these writers, not with these producers, and certainly not with this cast. I know Wolverine is supposed to be a bad ass but if you take out the word bad you're just left with an ass and that's what he in this movie. He's not the hero anymore, he's this obnoxious hero stand-in who we're keeping around until a real hero can be found. The Yakuza angle in this movie is way underutilized, sure there are some cool action scenes but they're shot so poorly and use so much CGI that they end up being boring. I should never be able to say that about a man with claws fighting a pair of guys on top of a speeding train, with katanas and guns! With the exception of Yukio and Wolverine, but only because there's so much of him, the characters in this movie are bland especially the weak villains, the worst offender is Madam Hydra who is technically an Avengers villains but she's also a mutant so she's kinda stuck in the middle and they apparently had to cut back some of her aspects which may be why she is so one dimensional; Poison Ivy from 'Batman & Robin' was more interesting because at least she had a personality. Wolverine's character development in this is nonexistent; his main thing is that he losses his regenerative powers briefly which might have been interesting if it was actually used but instead it just serves to try and make the fight scenes more interesting. This movie's cardinal sin is its run time, two hours but not like 'Lord of the Rings' where every minute is important but because Superhero movies are supposed to be two hours and so we need to pad this film out. This movie takes a perfect concept and completely waists it.
X: First Class (2011)
I don't understand what all the fuss is about
Are we watching two different movies everyone? I have heard nothing but praise for this movie. Over and over again people crying that the X-Men movies are finally returning to their former glory (I think the MCU might have given them a bit of inspiration personally) and I've even seen this film on more then one list of best superhero films ever. But
it's really not that good guys. Now I know what people like about this film; the relationship between Xavier and Magneto. I agree it's well done; how they help to shape each other, how they get on so well, how they have similar goals and all that sort of thing. They really do work well together but their relationship is not enough to save this movie. Firstly the period setting is nothing short of pathetic; I've seen period Superhero movie (The Shadow, Captain America: First Avenger) and this movie doesn't hold a candle to them. If you didn't tell me it was set in the sixties I wouldn't have guessed because the move does such a poor job of convincing you that it's set in another time period. The villain in this movie is painfully weak and coming from a series that has brought us one of the greatest villains ever in Magneto having a villain this uninteresting is nothing short of criminal. In fact except for Magneto and Xavier all the characters in this movie are plenty bland. I'm also not a fan of the CGI in this movie; it seems to cover nearly everything in the film in this sheen that makes it look plastic. The racism thing manages to be even more ridiculous in this movie too; highlighted by one scene where a Russian ship and an American ship (literally seconds after the Cuban missile crisis) put aside their differences and turn their weapons on the mutants. That's just small child writing superhero comics level of stupid. Also am I the only one disturbed that every woman in this movie is portrayed in a sexual way? Every single main female character in this movie is in a sexual position at least once in the film. I can't be the only one that finds this troubling. On a minor note do you know who that red demonic looking mutant is? The one who's the main villain's sidekick? The one who can teleport? His name is Azazel. In the comics he's the last member of an ancient subspecies of mutants who created the human idea of the demon (he's also the father of Nightcrawler with Mystique but that something else entirely). Azazel is actually a villain in his own right and having him being a toady to a weak villain like this is nothing short of criminal; this is made even worse when you learn he was played by a British actor, not just any British actor but Jason Flemyng. This is such a waist I could cry. Overall Xavier and Magneto and great, five stars for them alone but the rest of the movie doesn't match up.
Wonder Woman (2009)
Junk with potential
You know I was actually looking forward to this movie. I love the DCAU and I have long been waiting for a proper Wonder Woman movie (seriously seven Batman and six Superman but no Wonder Woman?), but this
this
this is something else entirely. Firstly there are some things about his film I like; I love this style of animation which seems to blend Anime with the traditional western cartoons in a way that ends up being fluid and nicely proportioned. I like the voice acting. I like the music and I do like that this film keeps with the newer ideas of Greek Mythology laid down by Clash of the Titans (the original) and Hercules the Legendary Journeys, stuff like Hades being a neutral force (though in this movie he looks like a cross between Ursula from The Little Mermaid and Jabba the Hutt from Star Wars), Ares as the villain, the Greek Gods being petty and cruel, stuff like that, also this depiction of Wonder Woman is nice being the type who takes no nonsense from anybody. Pity she's stuck in a movie that seems to be full of nonsense. Now I have said time and time again that female superhero movies are needlessly difficult because writers just can't seem to get past the whole gender thing, here the problem is less because our heroine is a woman and more because she's an Amazon. Amazons in film have been tricky from the get go, in the original myths they had nothing but contempt for men and only kidnapped a few for breeding purposes but they promptly killed them afterwards. Hollywood has never liked this and so every time Amazons appear in film they're always depicted as feminists who deep down inside are really using their tough warrior exterior to hide the fact they yearn for a man. To say this was sexist would be an understatement. This movie falls into the same trap, the amazons are tough and being immortal they have no need for men at all, and yet one of their own frees Ares from captivity and helps him and when pressed for a reason she pretty much says that she's loved starved. But it gets worse, even the regular world falls victim to the Amazon movie clichés like all the men are drooling sexists jerks including Ares, not Hades but I don't honestly he's a man in this version. The worst case of these cliché Amazons movie men is Steve Trevor, a pilot who crash lands on the Amazon island and has to be Wonder Woman's guide in the regular world, he's a drooling sexist idiot pretty much, sure wonder woman hilariously puts him in his place a few times but he gets old fast. And just in case things weren't bad enough all the non-amazon women (of which there are two) fall into two categories; male dependent or frustrated by male dominance. In summary this movie comes close to being a decent female Superhero movie but the Amazon movie clichés drag it down to the point where it stops being fun, the action is fun, the story is interesting at times but this film isn't really worth watching.
The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)
The proverbial whimper
Remember how the first Crow movie had subtle native American undertones? Well what would happen if someone decided to make them overtones? The nicest thing I can say about this movie is that it's not 'City of Angels', other then that it fails across the board: Terrible writing, terrible pacing, terrible music and one of those irritating editing jobs with lots of random quick cuts, slow-motion, fast motion, and zoom ins during supposedly important scenes. On top of that crow mythos in this movie is horribly convoluted with Native American mythology dominating but just enough Judeo-Christian stuff to make the audiences tilt their heads trying to figure it all out. But the worst aspect of this moronic movie is its cast: This movie has the best b-grade cast money could buy and yet they're all waisted. Danny Trejo is completely wasted as a priest of some made-up native American tribe, David Boreanaz has two settings in this movie; I-don't-care-so-I'm-not-going-to-act which is when he's playing the main villain as a human and I-don't-care-so-I'm-going-to-ham-it-up which is when he's playing the devil. Tara Reid of Shaknado fame is also in this movie and not surprisingly she's also wasted. Like I said, the best shlock cast money could buy. The worst sin however is the Crow himself, he's acted by some nobody named Edward Furlong who is dreadful as The Crow, lacking any of the pathos or menace and just coming off as pouty. But as he's barely in the movie it's not too painful. Like I said the kindest thing I can say about this movie is it's not as bad as 'City of Angels', take that as a warning and stay away.
The Shadow (1994)
An under-appreciated masterpiece
Not many of you know this but Alec Baldwin was in a superhero movie. Why haven't you heard of this film? Well as you're about to find out I have no idea. The film is based on The Shadow, A crime-fighter first created in the 1930s. With his twin guns, black cape, psychic powers, black slouch hat and red bandana over his mouth hiding everything but his hooked nose the Shadow is considered the grandfather of the modern superhero and appeared in pulp novels, a radio show (read by none other than Orson Welles!!!), movie serials, comic books and finally this long overdue motion picture. Like many pulp-inspired films from this era (Indiana Jones, Zorro, Flash Gordon, The Rocketeer) 'The Shadow' does a phenomenal job of capturing the pulpy fun flavour of the old serials and radio dramas right down to the Asian megalomaniac villain who doesn't feel like a caricature at all but a real intimidating presence. The actual character traits and powers of the Shadow in this film are a combination of the powers he had in the radio show and the powers he had in the pulp novels which make the movie something all it's own but also a celebration of the shadow's overall legacy. The film is directed by Russell Mulcahy who is known by most fantasy fans as the director of one of the best fantasy films of all time: Highlander. Watching the two films you can actually see slight similarities in the story; a tale of powerful uber-human beings battling it out for the future of humanity while the humans remain oblivious which is a cool aspect to the film. The acting is top notch with everyone bringing in star performances, even Tim Curry and Ian McKeller in enjoyable albeit minor roles. Top points go to Baldwin's portrayal of the Shadow and Penelope Anne Miller as Margo Lane, the Shadow's love interest who is actually one of the best superhero girlfriends not only being important to the plot but actually being useful. The movie also delves into the idea that sometimes heroes are people who know darkness well enough to fight it. This is an idea I really like and Alec Baldwin pulls it off fantastically. The production design of this film is phenomenal, capturing a distinctly pulpy flavour but also capturing the classy side of the 1920s, the music is brilliant, the action is top quality, the camera work is fantastic (it's Russell Mulcahy, what do you expect?) the plot has numerous twists and turns and the end product is a fun yet dark movie and one of the best superhero films of all time. Planned to be the big summer blockbuster the film failed to impress critics and because it had to compete with both 'The Lion King' and 'The Mask' it only made 48,000,000 at the box office worldwide over its 40,000,000 budget and quickly faded into obscurity taking a possible franchise with it, making this one of the most underrated movies ever in my opinion.
Guyver: Dark Hero (1994)
A gem
The creative minds behind the first Guyver movie obviously noticed the tone problem they had so for this film they picked a tone and stuck with it. The result is everything that made the first film enjoyable heightened by a more serious tone and squared to near perfection. Everything about this film is improved, the creature design is heightened, the fight scenes are shorter and to the point, the acting is miles better, the stakes are higher and the tone is fixed on a darker more serious style that makes the film great to watch. One of my favourites in the genre, highly recommend. Director Steve Wang was planning on following this film up with another one but the rights reverted back to their original owners who were not interested in another movie, a crying shame in my opinion.
Guyver (1991)
Serious tonal problems
I love tokusatsu, in any shape size or form. So I was excited about this film when I first heard of it, an American tokusatsu based on an anime I had never heard of with a really cool premise, a human discovers an alien device which turns into a suit of living armour (I love living suit superheroes). But there is one distinct problem with this concept, translation. This was during the 90s and people weren't sure how seriously to take anime yet, a problem which translates into this film which has no idea what kind of tone it's going for. Firstly the positives; the fight choreography in this movie is nothing short of fantastic combining martial arts and wirework with really cool powers, the look of the Guyver and the Zoanoids is really really well done, the music is intense and energetic and the acting ranges from over the top and goofy to good, Mark Hamill is in this film as a cop trying to solve the mystery and he is great as always. But the film is completely ruined by it's tone, there are two movies going on here, a goofy over the top fun film and a serious gritty film, the two mesh HORRIBLY and so the film ends up being no fun at all, Give it a miss.
Darkman (1990)
A forgotten masterpiece
I have long maintained that in an age when Hollywood seems to have run out of inspiration there is no better place to go then into the past. Not the 80s or even 90s but even further back, the 60s and older. The best movies that should be remade are bad movies, this is no truer then with old b-movies most of which had interesting ideas but were held down by the technical and financial restrictions of the time. This is why remakes of those old movies work so well; 'John's Carpenter's the Thing' is of course the best example but what about Alien? Technically speaking Alien could be considered a remake of 'It! The Terror From Beyond Space', a movie which the filmmakers had seen, hence the term 'a B-movie done A'. Need further convincing? Well then look no further then Darkman. While the plot of 'scientist uses experimental research to take revenge on those who wronged him' is not new this is the first time it is taken to its logical next step and used as the backstory for a superhero. Despite this the movie never sheds its root; throughout the film you can see influences of a lot of old b-movies; The Projected Man, the Amazing Colossal Man and The Phantom of the Opera. In fact the Phantom of the Opera is the most subtle because it manifests itself in a particular design choice; most Phantom of the Opera adaptations have the phantom having a normal face except for the right half which he covers with a mask, Darkman's face is disfigured except for a small part which is on the left. This is no coincidence, director Sam Raimi did have the old Universal films in mind when he made this film and he succeeds in creating an updated looking version of the style. More subtle then Tim Burton's interpretation of the Hammer look for 'Sleepy Hollow'. Raimi also brings his distinct directing style to the project which infuses it with high energy through creative camera work, mind blowing effects (the helicopter chase scene blew my mind) and creative editing. This distinct visual style combines with the sly humour of the film to give it its own personality similar to RoboCop. Then there's the acting; the cast all do a great job but points go to Darkman himself. Raimi wanted to cast regular Bruce Campbell in the role of Darkman but Universal didn't like a relatively unknown actor in the role and so Raimi cast Liam Neeson instead (for Bruce Campbell fans don't worry, he gets his obligatory cameo at the end of the film). This decision was for the best because Neeson knocks it clear into orbit with his performance and manages to situate himself as one of my favourite actors; He goes from tortured to angry to insane to tragic in the space of a nanosecond and still allows the audience to empathise with him. Another thing I want to compliment is the film's content; most times when a film is rated R it feels like they add sex, violence and language unnecessarily. This film is ultra-violent but more in a RoboCop style and the rest of the R content feels natural, nothing feels like it was artificially added afterwards to crank the rating up. The final thing I want to compliment is the music. It's incredible how superhero soundtracks seem to fall into two categories; Danny Elfman or background noise. Despite also being composed by Danny Elfman (does he just compose all Superhero movies scores?) Darkman has a distinct soundtrack which manages to escort the audience on the film's roller-coaster ride while sounding distinct and original. All in all Darkman is a masterpiece; a textbook example of how to rework an old idea and how to make a superhero film. Not for younger audiences obviously but well worth the wait.
Jinzô ningen Hakaidâ (1995)
A unique movie
OK boys and girls welcome to class, how many of you are familiar with the term 'Acid Western'? (Does quick headcount) Good, good, go to the head of the class. For the rest of you the term 'acid western' refers to a film or piece of literature that uses the looks and or tropes of the western genre but also has a lot of surreal imagery and metaphor (hence 'acid'). This genre is different from 'weird westerns' because 'weird westerns' are regular westerns but with a science-fiction or fantasy twist. Whether the creators realized it or not this film is an acid western; structurally it's like any old Tokusatsu film but with a lot of the tropes associated with the western genre, but it also has a lot of surreal motifs and visual metaphors which make it an acid western. The dystopian sci-fi setting only makes it weirder. Set in a distant future where civilization has collapsed, save for this one town called 'Jesus Town' which is ruled by a dictator, a group of thieves break into a vault believing it to contain treasure. They are in fact greatly surprised to find not treasure in the vault but a robotic being called Hakaider (the principal villain from the Kikaider tokusatsu franchise) along with his bike and shotgun and no memory of his past. Once he has been freed he sets out to discover himself only to accidentally get caught up in a rebellion against the despotic ruler of Jesus town. Structurally this movie has the vibe of a spaghetti western like Django or A Fistful of Dollars, a lone stranger with a mysterious past wanders into a corrupt town and sets about righting wrongs, replace the motorcycles with horses and the comparison is complete. This movie is also one of the nicest looking tokusatsu films ever thanks in no part to the director Keita Amemiya who is a notable artist, writer and director who gives his movies a distinct organic mechanical look, along the same vein as H.R. Geiger or David Cronenberg. Amemiya gives the movie a dark but sleek look but also laces it with a lot of strange visuals. For example in this movie white is used to represent the forces of evil while black is used to represent not-bad, Not good per-say just not bad. This movie also has a couple of dream sequences which have imagery like black knights and mummy angels. The final fight scene in this movie is also note worthy for it takes place in a white room and is fought between Hakaider and an evil robot called Michael, seems pretty straightforward but as they fight they keep breaking the walls of the room and the internal mechanisms of the room are red and have a strangely organic look to them so that by the end of the fight the room looks like a Tarantino action scene just happened in it despite the combatants both being robots. On top of all these weird qualities add good action, a kick-ass score, decent acting, and run-time that just over an hour and you get one of my favourite tokusatsu films. It's weird as hell but fun if you know what you're getting into. Recommend for fans of tokusatsu, fans of strange and people who like picking movies apart.
Judge Dredd (1995)
The shadow of a much better movie
First question a lot of you are asking; who or what is Judge Dredd? Well in answer Judge Dredd is a British comic book series. In a dystopian future all of mankind has been wiped out except for one gigantic city. In this city crime is out of control so the people in charge introduce the Judges; Law enforcement officers who can serve as judge, jury and executioner, of these Judges the most feared is Judge Dredd whose unshakable sense of justice make him a force to be reckoned with. Now this is a great concept, especially in the 80s and 90s which were the best age for action movies in my opinion, Sadly this movie had a bit of a rocky production; Director Danny Cannon was in fact a fan of Judge Dredd and wanted to make an adaptation that had the same gritty edge and dark sense of humour as the original comics. As a result the first cut Mr Cannon submitted to the MPAA was NC-17 and had to be tossed back and forth between the two of them to finally get and R rating. On top of that Stallone (who was playing Judge Dredd) and the studio decided they wanted to make the movie into a PG-13 action comedy and the film got hacked up even more. Danny Cannon was so unhappy with the finished result that he hasn't worked with a big name actor since. After all that this movie was a commercial and critical failure, falling quickly into obscurity until certain critics on the internet resurrected it with the reputation as one of the worst comic book movies of all time. And yet
It's not all that bad. This movie could have been awesome; the cast aren't half bad, the production design is great, and the score is cheesy but fun. Unfortunately this movie also has its fair share of bad-in-a-good-way points and just plain bad points. I Love Sylvester Stallone but in this movie his portrayal of Judge Dredd reminds me of Buzz Lightyear done as a live action 80s action movie, which is fun but a misrepresentation of the source material. A lot of the acting in this movie is cheesy, not helped by dialogue that is both clunky and awkward. The scene with the Angel family is weirdly entertaining in this The Hills Have Eyes 2000 kinda way and of course there's Rob Schneider's character. This was a bad idea. Rob Schneider plays a bumbling thief who ends up unintentionally partnering with Dredd. This character is annoying, superfluous, and reeks of studio interference. Bottom line if you're looking for fun cheese you'll like this movie but for fans of either 80s action films or superhero movies this is a miss. Which is a shame because thee are times Cannon's original idea rears its head above all the garbage and you wish you were watching that movie.
The Crow: City of Angels (1996)
One of the only movies that studio interference made watchable
I don't think we as an audience appreciate just how disastrously wrong The Crow could have gone. The Crow is one of those stories with such dark subject matter and such brooding visuals that in the hands of lesser filmmakers it could have gone horribly wrong and ended up as some dark bitter mess like Batman Returns. Thankfully the right people were involved and we got the movie we did. And then they made a sequel. Now I'm not one of those people who thinks that 'The Crow' shouldn't have a sequel. The idea that there are other lost souls who must return to earth to right some wrong is not a bad one. But not like this. This movie fails across the board, the story goes on way too long and is hopelessly convoluted despite a pretty simple set up, the music is almost none stop grunge punk rock that adds nothing to the scenes. But the biggest problem with this movie is the way it looks. The director is a man named Tim Pope. Never heard of him? Well before this movie he directed music videos and do you know what he made after this movie? More music videos! This movie is shot like a music video, the camera is too close, the shots are all framed wrong, the angles are weird and the editing is nauseating. Of course this style could be forgiven if it wasn't for the fact this is the ugliest movie I have ever seen in my life. Gone is the smooth neo-Gothic look of the first movie. In its place is hideously ugly punk grunge look with bright colours and nauseating shades that are actually difficult to look at half the time. The music video style directing and editing only makes it worse and I'm sure those with weaker stomachs might actually throw up watching this film. To make all this even worse the story goes out of its way to be dark and gritty adding even more nauseating imagery to this already stomach turning movie. But even the worst movie can be saved by the performances, sadly the performances in this movie only serve as the icing on the garbage cake. The script is ridiculously cheesy and grimy and the actors they picked to say it are dreadful; Vincent Perez doesn't have the aura of menace Brandon Lee had and so he just comes off as sulky half the time and the other half he spends pretending to be intimidating, Richard Brooks's performance as the villain Judas Earl is terrible as none of his lines are delivered properly, they all come off as either bored or forced. This is one of the absolute worst movie I've ever seen. This is a joyless grungy mess that no on should ever have to watch even for the sake of curiosity. I would tell you to destroy it but that would involve buying it and I don't want that. Instead I want no one to buy it. I want all the copies to sit on stores shelves for years and years and years until the company has no choice but to take them all out in the middle of nowhere and bury them in big pit so they can slowly biodegrade until there is nothing left but a grungy patch of earth where nothing can grow. I hate this movie.
The Punisher (2004)
Great concept, lackluster execution
I like the idea behind this movie more then I like the movie itself. Director Jonathan Hensleigh had an idea to adapt the Punisher but in a serious (totally not comic book) way while incorporating stylistic elements from gritty action movies from the 60s and 70s. He approached actor Thomas Janes about playing the Punisher and at first he wasn't interested but when he read the script and saw what Hensleigh planned to do with the character in the film he signed on. The movie's production was also troubled; both budget and time to shoot were both cut in half meaning that Hensleigh had to cut out a lot of the more expensive action scenes, and on top of this Artisan Pictures was bought by Lionsgate during production. Despite all this Hensleigh delivered the movie on time to lukewarm reviews but modest box office success making $ 54,500,000 against a budget of $33,000,000. And yet
I'm not very fond of this movie, I like the idea and I admire the work but this movie is a bit flawed. Frank Castle is an undercover FBI agent and family man, he plans to do one last job and retire to a desk job. Unfortunately on his last job he accidentally kills the son of a powerful crook called Howard Saint (played by John Travolta) who gets his revenge by having Frank's entire family gunned down. Frank survives the incident and becomes The Punisher, a skull t-shirt wearing gun toting vigilante with no qualms about killing those who he deems deserving of punishment. This movie's plot is solid. An origin story combined with a revenge plot line similar to a 60s or 70s action movie. The action is well choreographed. And
I'm sorry but that's where the good runs out I'm afraid. So such a simple movie there are times it feels needlessly complicated especially involving a certain subplot where the punisher tricks Saint into killing his wife and best friend which was only there as a reference to a similar plot in a James Bond movie. This movie also has a tone problem because the punisher is a harsh concept but the movie doesn't go far enough with it meaning the harsher scenes feel out of place. This is not helped by a horribly out of place, even if funny, trio of comic reliefs and a weak villain. Yes while john Travolat is a good actor he is not in top form here. He simply isn't menacing enough as a villain which in a regular action movie would be one thing but in a punisher movie you need a villain the audience can buy or the punishment seems mean spirited and harsh. Overall this is a weak movie. The good stuff only manages to make this movie average while the bad knocks it down to below average. Thomas Janes gives a good performance and there are some enjoyable bits but the bad knocks it down. I don't recommend this but it's not awful.
Catwoman (2004)
I wish this movie had stayed an unrealised project
(sigh) For every American superhero film we have today there are about two lying in the superhero film graveyard. The Mandrake the Magician movie that was supposed to follow The Phantom, the Wachowschi's Plastic Man movie, The Justice League movie that ran out of money, hundreds of dozens of movies that could have been great but died during production and were buried in the superhero film cemetery. But this film
Whatever crime this movie commits is made worse by the fact that at one point in its life it could have been one of the best superhero films of all time. Let me explain. If you've ever had the misfortune to watch Tim Burton's 'Batman Returns' you will notice that the movie ends with a shot of Catwoman looking up at the Gotham sky even though we the audience earlier assumed her dead. This was because Burton and the studio were planning a spin-off film for the character. Now if you've seen 'Batman' and 'Batman Returns' one of the main problems with them is that Burton isn't interested in Batman and makes him take a backseat while he gives centre stage to his rogues gallery who are just the sort of freaks Burton is comfortable with. A movie devoted to one of those freaks would have had a lot of the good points of the Burton batman films but with the strength of being more focused. On top of that the best aspects of 'Batman Returns' were the Catwoman stuff so there was a lot of potential. Unfortunately 'Batman Returns' didn't make its money back and got Burton replaced with Joel Schumacher. Now if this had been the end of the story for the Catwoman movie it would have been fine, tragic but fine. But for some ungodly reason Warner brothers refused to let this film die and kicked it around development hell for years until they finally gave it to some no name director so the studio could spit out something to compete the marvel dominated Superhero scene. And so we got this unholy zombie of a movie that is a textbook example of how not just to write a bad female superhero movie but a bad movie with a female lead. Now before we get to the big problem with this movie I want to address the little ones. Firstly the production design is blandy bland bland, nothing interesting, nothing to right home about, just bland. This unappealing look is made worse by frequent use of really bad CGI. This movie has competent actors but none of them are interested in making a good movie so the performances aren't bad, bad can be fun, they're just weak. The plot is weak, the action is almost competent except the editing and CGI conspire to ruin it. The soundtrack is bad generic female black pop music (think discount versions of Beyonce or Brandy) that is obnoxious to listen to. Now if these were all the problems this would just be direct-to-video bad, nothing to compete with Hulk or Elektra just bad. There is one aspect of the movie that manages to single handedly make this one of the worst superhero movies of all time. The horribly misguided feminism. Dear lord this movie's treatment of women is awful! It tries to be all empowering and yet ever single female character in this movie is defined by her relationship to men. Worst still this movie has all the clichés you find in bad chick flicks; questionable morals, idiot characters, gay friend because men and women can't just be friends, an awkward bumbling lead, a dumb leading man. And then on top of that add all the clichés of a bad female superhero movie; objectification of women, sexist male villains, older women villains, girl power motifs and a costume designed more to excite juvenile viewers then it is to actually serve any function in combat. In summary this movie is decent idea filtered through the very worst clichés that cinema has to offer. This isn't even fun in a bad way it's just bad. Avoid at all cost.
Hulk (2003)
A miserable confused experience
Wow. Just
just wow. Dear god in heaven. This film is one of the worst, most sorry excuses for coherent cinema I have ever seen, it's bad but it's the worst kind of bad, it's 'no fun at all' bad, it's 'cry out for humanity' bad, it's don't even think of trying to watch by yourself bad. This movie is horrendous. In order to go over how this movie fails across the board I have to go over the worst aspects one by one. Acting: this film's acting is some of the worst I have ever seen. None of the actors or actresses give believable performances, everyone sounds like they're here for their paychecks. Effects: this film uses primitive CGI and so the effects are horrible you can practically see the little numbers and lines from production. Story: this movie has one of the most needlessly complicated plots I have ever tried to slog through; characters do random inexplicable things, nothing makes sense, clichés manage to work their way in there, and with a concept like Hulk its amazing that this film manages to be no fun at all, there's a scene where Hulk's dad sends a trio of hulk dogs to try and kill the love interest for
some reason and hulk has to fight them, about one fourth of the way through the scene you're bored. Let me say that again, a scene with the incredible Hulk fighting a trio of Hulk dogs becomes BORING!!! Music: the music is uninspired and lazy, Danny Elfman at his worst which is frustrating because Darkman and Nightbreed have proved that the man can do so much better. Tone: this film is way, way too serious, it has not the first clue what kind of material it's working with and tries to do it's best to create a thought provoking movie, It fails. Cinematography: this movie goes for a really really pretentious visual style with big wide far away shots, mainly of deserts, instead of giving a sense of scale which I think was the intention it just makes the film feel big and hollow. The editing: this is where I actually have my biggest problem with this movie: this film's visual style is so out of place and so jarring it actually breaks the illusion. Not even the worst Ed Wood movies did that for me. Ang Lee seems to be playing a game called 'transition the scene in a different way ever time', sometime the next scene slides across, sometimes it comes out from the centre, sometimes it comes from on top and once it even flow upward all wavy like water. I am not kidding. Aside from the scene transition game this movie also tries to have a style which brings comics book panels to mind with two different but related scenes or even the same scene but from different angles happening right next to the each other with a thick black line in-between. The comic book panel thing is creative and in a better movie it might have worked but this is a movie that's going out of its way to be serious a thought provoking, it can't do that with comic book panels and clumsy scene transitions. This movie is a black hole of fun, Hulk is one of the most simple and fun concepts in all of superherodom but this movie sucks it all away, the movie's two hour runtime and lacklustre feel mean that it overstays it's welcome fast. The only good I could possibly see this film bringing is as an endurance test for the most die-hard cults of bad movie fanatics. Every copy of this film needs to be hunted down and destroyed, with fire, it's the only way aside from maybe silver bullets.
Blade II (2002)
Just what this franchise needed
Guillermo Del Toro. I am a HUGE fan of this guy, he is a creative force and one of the most versatile creative directors working today. After the success of the first Blade film a sequel of course got under way and the studio hired Del Toro to helm it, this was an odd choice at the time since Del Toro wasn't a household name but in retrospect it was a genius move because it took an awesome movie hampered by a cliché mythos and gave it over to a director who thrives on mythos. Before I can talk about the rest of the movie I have to talk about my favourite aspect of it. The Reapers. Good god I love these things; I love how they're look is inspired by Nosferatu, I love how their lower jaw splits open to became a bug like mouth, I love how they feed on both Vampires and humans, I love how they run sideways and on all fours like old Hollywood gorillas, I love the only Vampire weakness they retain is their weakness to sun, and most of all I love the scene where actually dissect one and we are allowed to see what makes them tick. Del Toro goes out of his way to make these things as alien as possible, not just in the way they look but in the way they behave, as one of the Vampires remarks "they're as different from us as we are from humans", in typical Del Toro style there's something beautiful about them and yet profoundly disturbing at the same time. Everything that was good about the first film is here and better, the action is better, the story is better with higher stakes and all kinds of fun twists and turns, the acting is phenomenal; Wesley Snipes has allowed the Blade character to loosen up a bit and the other actors are all fun especially Ron Perlman, I also love the Elder Vampire Eli Damaskinos who is a classic monster inspired again by Nosferatu, a welcome change from the cliché 'vampire council' from the first film. This movie is great across the board, a great film for superhero film fans, action movie fans, sci-fi movie fans, fantasy movie fans, horror movie fans, Del Toro fans and fans of good cinema in general.
The Crow: Salvation (2000)
A pleasant surprise
Now this is what I was talking about! This is the crow sequel that I wanted! The plot is very reminiscent of those old 50s b-movie revenge plots, you know the type; young man is framed for a crime he didn't commit and is executed but through science he returns to find those responsible. If like me you like those sorts of stories you'll like this movie. The mystery is quite good and will keep you guessing as it twists and turns through the story. The style is also reminiscent of those b-movies but updated in the style on one of those 'Wes Craven presents' movies. Another thing I like is that the movie is still firmly a crow film but it actually does something different with the mythos. The face he has is not a result to paint like all the other movies but burns left by the mask he wore in the electric chair. Rather then try and kill the crow to kill him, as in previous films, the villains try tricking him into thinking his mission on earth has been done. Alex Corvus doesn't have the obligatory long hair of all the crows either and he only gets his coat twenty minutes in only to discard it later. The acting in this movie is fairly decent, Kirsten Dunst plays the sister of the murdered girl, and Eric Mabius pulls off both the sympathy and the menace that the crow needs. The writing in this movie is also pretty good, no one near Howard Hawks or Quentin Taratino but still pretty witty sometimes. Unfortunately this movie didn't do very well, after the disastrous box office results of the last movie the studio wanted to put this movie direct to video, crows fans complained so the studio gave the movie a week long theatrical run and a little add in a small town newspaper. Not surprisingly the movie received a lukewarm response. Which is a shame as both the writer and director (Chip Johannessen and Bharat Nalluri respectively) are TV people and if this film had been a success it could have catapulted them into the big leagues. But in summary this is a pretty good b-movie. Not for everyone but if you like 50s b-movies or 90s Wes Craven presents films then you'll like this movie.
Blade (1998)
Let's have a talk...
I know this movie is considered a great superhero movie, a great vampire movie, a great action movie, a great Wesley Snipes movie and a great R-rated movie but
I think it needs to be re-examined. On the one hand Wesley Snipes embodies the character of Blade, the action is great, the acting is great, and the film has numerous twists and turns, the thing that real hurts the films is the Vampire angle. For some reason we as a culture are obsessed with Vampires, they were beginning to wear thin when Twilight came out, and that with that mystifying international sensation and the supernova of Vampire fiction that came in its wake I can safely say I am sick to death of Vampires, no pun intended. Again and again and again and again, it's gotten to the point where they're not even intimidating any more, just boring. And here is no exception, if a vampire movie wants to survive it needs to be able to put it's head above the proverbial water and stand out but Blade just doesn't, no surprises, nothing new, nothing interesting, just generic Vampire stuff that manages to kill an otherwise great movie. I know a lot of people like this film a lot but I cannot see why, give it a watch but I am not a fan.
Batman & Robin (1997)
This movie is not Schumacher's fault!
Stop blaming Schuacher! I am sick to death of everyone bashing Schumacher for his run on Batman and then saying that he's a bad director because of it. Schumacher had little to do with anything except yelling 'action', sure the art design was his but you'll notice that the art design in this movie is even more garish and over the top then the last one but that's because the studio was putting pressure on Schumacher to make it even more family friendly and safe then the last one, not only that but the toy company had a heavy involvement in the art design and concept art was apparently being ripped out of the artist hands so it could be sent to the factories in China. Rather then blame Schumacher I consider this movie a warning; Batman Returns was a parable on what happens when you give someone too much creative control but Batman and Robin is what happens when you have too much studio interference. This film is
a mess, the production design has gone from so bright it irritates your eyes to so bright and garish that it distracts you from the film, none of the actors are taking this film seriously and so the acting is actually kinda funny (it does bring the 60s series to mind), the action is tame, the humour is bizarre, and the serious stuff they try doesn't work at all. This film is pure fluff, it's so odd that it's mesmerizing, I love every second of it, the bad puns, the garish production design, the bad acting, it all comes together to make on of the funniest films I have ever seen.
The Punisher (1989)
80s Grindhouse
Deciding at long last to try their hand at theatrical superhero movies (Howard the Duck doesn't count) Marvel Comics decided to licence The Punisher, one of their grittier properties, to a production and distribution company named New World Films who went on to make Felix the Cat: The Movie. Get out from under the bed. There are lots of things in this movie I like; the acting is good even among smaller characters, Lundgren swaps his usual charisma in for a broken protagonist who has filled the void in his life left by his dead family with a desire for brutal punishment against the guilty, though fans of Lundgren's charisma will get a little bit of it from time to time, the action in this movie is well choreographed, the camera-work is nice with long uninterrupted steady shots, the score is ominous and heavy, the story is also surprisingly well thought out with more grey characters then you'd think, my favourite aspect of the story is that the whole conflict is a result of the unexpected consequences of the Punisher's actions; his five year relentless killing spree has weakened the mafia enough to allow a greater menace to enter the fray, a situation to which there is no easy answer. Now this movie does have some problems; it's a tad goofy at times like the unnecessary comic relief sidekick who is pretty useless, the movie also feels a bit slow at times, it never stops completely but it feels like it moves slowly at times, and I would be loath to forget the horrendously awkward and outdated Japanese stereotypes. All in all this is a movie that barely qualifies as a superhero film but if you love gritty 80s action (The Exterminator, Cobra etc) then you'll like this movie, I'd at least give it a watch.