At 52, Demi Moore has the face and body of a woman half her age. But this is not merely to good genes and an even better cosmetic surgeon.
Oh, no. Cue a heart whisperer, Mayan clay treatment and weight-lifting with coconuts.
Bikini Bootcamp, a designer eco-retreat in Tulum, Mexico, has become the go-to place where A-listers work out, lose weight and “reconnect themselves to nature”.
Given that Demi, Cameron Diaz, Reese Witherspoon and Drew Barrymore are all regular visitors (and none of them are what you call heifers) I wanted in.
With a daily 6.45am gong alarm and around six hours of daily exercise, this isn’t for the faint-hearted – literally, as the poor heart whisperer, who could barely locate my organ, would later testify.
While this is not specifically a weight-loss regime, food and drink is limited to a Prisoner of War-esque 1,400 calories a day... though with more quinoa, goji berries and avocado than your average fat camp.
And at around £3,000 a week including treatments, it is definitely more expensive.
Not surprisingly, by the end of the week I had lost more than half a stone. And I felt better than I had in years, with my back pain gone and what looked suspiciously like a few abs poking out.
It seems Demi and co. might just be on to something here.
- For more info or to stay at Bikini Bootcamp see www.bikinibootcamp.com
Harp Yoga
In possibly the most surreal session of the week, a middle-aged man with a beard leads us in some gentle hatha yoga moves. Then as we sit in the Sukhasana pose he plucks haphazardly at a huge harp.
As 20 minutes drift oh-so-slowly by I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or have a quick snooze.
Mexican Temazcal
A type of sweat lodge which orginated with the pre-Hispanic indigenous people of Mexico, this does exactly what it says on the tin. It makes you sweat buckets.
Intended to help detoxify the body, a stint in this heated hut, designed in the shape of an igloo said to represent the womb of Mother Earth, releases toxins from the body, as well as leaving me
about a stone (in fluids) lighter.
Mayan clay
Centuries before Botox was invented, the Mayans and Aztecs found ways of using clay to treat everything from sunburn to ageing to acne.
So I smother myself in the stuff, mixed with honey. We are instructed to cover ourselves from head to toe – including hair – before instructor Darlene stands behind us for a “positive visualisation” meditative session.
Feeling faintly ridiculous and, thanks to the yellowing effect, looking a lot like Homer Simpson, we stand beach-side until the clay dries, then run into the ocean and wash it all off.
Afterwards, I still look every one of my 33 years but my skin is decidedly softer.
Heart whisperer
For a 90-minute session costing £100.
I am expecting the spiritual equivalent of open-heart surgery. Instead, a Mayan healer sits behind me, whispers in my ear and prods various points on my back in an effort to unlock the “vibrational imprints from past experiences”.
Not surprisingly, given that an ex once described me as having the “emotional capacity of a watermelon” after half an hour he appears to have given up and starts talking about himself.
We spend a pleasant 45 minutes or so chatting about his family while he explains how a heart-whispering session works with most “normal” people. He does actually manage to help another member of my group who emerges in floods of (happy) tears, feeling 10 years younger.
Circus acrobatics
Officially called Tele Flow, this £60-an-hour private class starts with our buff instructor Matej elegantly swaying, dangling and swallow-diving about in a giant silk swing in time to music.
He makes it look easy, but the rest of are like baby elephants as we cling on in all kinds of ungainly poses.
It’s incredible fun, though, and these 60-minute sessions are said to do wonders for flexibility and core strength.
