Atonement

Definition of atonement

1: reparation for an offense or injury : SATISFACTION

a story of sin and atonement

He wanted to find a way to make atonement for his sins.

The year is 2010, I am 26 years old and in the last year of my eligibility for Birthrite; a program that allows those with Jewish heritage to travel to Israel in groups, funded by donors.

I had randomly applied and been accepted. I had been driven to JFK airport in New York to meet the group I would be traveling with.

As I got closer, to the airport I was quiet, a state of introspection.

People go on Birthrite for all different reasons, mine...I held close.

I finally arrive and find my group. We walk to the gate, passports in hand and eventually board a flight on El Al Airlines. The airplane is the largest I had ever seen, complete with an upper and lower level. I found my seat and buckled in, unsure of what would come when we got there in a mere 13 hours.

Cut to Present Day

I had been eligible to go on that trip from the age of 16. I waited until my last year.

The trip is not a guarantee with thousands of people applying every year. So why did I wait so long?

The reason is pretty easy to understand. For the vast majority of my life I was lost. I did not understand why things happened the way they did or why I was who I was. I had grown up in a family that helped found a synagogue in my home town, yet every time I went there, I felt claustrophobic...I would sit in service and feel this heavy weight on my chest like I was somewhere I wasn't meant to be.

At a certain point, I even started making fun of stereotypes as a way to deflect the hurt they caused me. I even had a 'friend' that whenever I would come over, would remark, 'look! It's the Jew that killed Jesus,' as I walked through the door.

Around age 23-24 I started to get tired of being this way. I realized it was not funny.

I waited until I was 26 to go on the trip because I looked at it as a way of rediscovering myself. Not just from a religious perspective, but from a human perspective.

In total I spent 10 days travelling from Tzfat to Tel Aviv, The Negev Desert, the Dead Sea and finally Jerusalem.

Along the way I tried to be one with my heritage and take in my surroundings.

By the time those ten days were over, I did not want to leave. I felt like I belonged in Israel, and in many ways I still feel that way.

It is kind of crazy that is a country constantly at war, I would find peace...but that is exactly what I found.

There was something about walking down cobblestone steps, the same steps that had been there for thousands of years that provides a different perspective.

I've often been asked to describe the feeling I had, but I've never quite been able to.

Photo Right: Trip Rabbi and I standing at Kotel about to put our wishes into the wall.

Reflection

I write this newsletter today not because I am super religious...But because today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement.

In those ten days in Israel I asked G-d forgiveness for the many many many sins I had committed to that point in my life.

I tried to walk a different path to show that the prayers were not just full of empty promises.

In the 12 years since, I have lost touch with those I went with, I have gone back to my less religious ways...but I have never forgotten that feeling.

It is a feeling that reminds me that no matter how much we try to be perfect, that it is in that strive to perfection that we are our most vulnerable.

Humankind was not created to live a perfect life. There is not a day that goes by that I do not make a mistake. There is not an hour that goes by that I do not have a question or concern.

There are periods in which we lose our way. Regardless of whether people stay with you in those moments or push to distance themselves, those period happen to everyone and while it is in our nature to judge others on the surface, it is not our right to question someone's soul.

Those are the times we need to dig deep and put ourselves back in that place...to close our eyes and remember that feeling.

That feeling will guide us back home.

Where there is love, there is light

Jerusalem 2011

My first time trying Shwarma in Laffa Bread, which i cant find in the states.

Waking up early to hike Masada in the rain

Tel Aviv Street Market

***The Kotel is also called the Western Wall. People will go up with folded pieces of paper that they have written their wishes on.

***All photos were taken by me, Dan Roth. If you choose to reuse these photos please include my name as 'taken by'