DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report)—Mike Pence fled a high-school auditorium in terror after a campaign rally in Iowa drew no one but a solitary woman.
The nightmare scenario for Pence unfolded after he walked out to the podium, scanned the audience, and realized he was alone in the auditorium with a female.
“All the color drained from his face,” a campaign aide said. “Mike was even whiter than usual.”
Pence hyperventilated for several minutes backstage before cancelling his schedule for the rest of the day.
“That was a darn close call,” he reportedly told aides. “I’m never leaving the house again without Mother.”
