I hate to say it, but I don’t think women are funny. Hear me out, though—I have a good reason. I once went to a comedy show, and there was one woman who performed and she didn’t do well. I mean, sure, the audience members were all drunk men yelling at her to take her top off, but she did not make me laugh. It’s true that I did go to the bathroom about fifteen seconds into her set, but still. Meanwhile, of the eight men in the show’s lineup, one of them did do well. So I can’t say that men aren’t funny when I have a clear example of a man who was funny, can I?
There was only one girl in my college math classes, and she wasn’t the best in the class. I’d say she was kind of middle-of-the-pack. I hate to think that I’m the sort of guy who believes that women can’t do math, but, honestly, she wasn’t that good at math, so I guess women aren’t good at math. It’s sad, but also it’s what the research suggests. If there were more women in the class who had been good at math, then maybe I’d believe that women were good at math. But there weren’t. She also wasn’t that hot.
I don’t want you to think that I’m some sort of sexist, O.K.? I voted for Hillary Clinton, I’ll have you know. And it’s really a bummer that she lost. I guess women just can’t run successful Presidential campaigns, as proven by the one woman who was once on the ticket in one general election in our nation’s two-hundred-and-fifty-year history.
I met a woman who couldn’t walk. She was in a wheelchair. And, as I was staring at her, I got to thinking about how depressing it is that women can’t walk. I mean, men walk great, and it’s a really fun thing to do. Also, it helps you get places. Like, for example, walking helps me get downstairs to greet my weed dealer. If I couldn’t walk, he’d have to come upstairs. But seeing that one woman that one time who couldn’t walk made me realize that women in general weren’t meant to walk. Their brains just aren’t wired that way!
Recently, I was volunteering at an animal shelter, because I’m a really good person and I have court-mandated community service. The first dog I had to walk was a female dog—a real bitch, am I right? You see, I’m not saying “bitch” to be sexist; I’m saying “bitch” because it’s the technical term for a female dog. I would never call a woman a bitch. Anyway, as I was walking this bitch, I got to thinking, This dog is a woman. And it’s a dog. Are all women dogs? Look, I just don’t have time to meet all three and a half billion (human) women on the planet, so I have to base my judgments about all women on that one woman I saw that one time. And she was a dog.
Next, I encountered a woman who didn’t want to have sex with me, and I thought, “Do all women not want to have sex with me?” But then I realized, no, it was definitely just that one woman. She doesn’t speak for all women! One single woman can’t possibly represent the entire global population of women. You can’t just meet one woman with one opinion and, based on a single thing she says, extrapolate about an entire gender. I’m sure almost all women want to have sex with me, and she was just a strange outlier.
