Ranking the 9 NFL mascots that we should all be worried about

Mascots usually fall into two categories: adorable friend who is equally fun-loving and mischievous, or the eerily expressionless face that will bring about our eventual demise.

Like any other sports league, the NFL has its share of disturbing mascots. Don’t pretend that on those sleepless nights, surrounded by nothing but pitch-black darkness and strange creaking noises you have never heard before, you’re not scared that Sourdough Sam is hiding under your bed, ready to hack you into pieces while the Jesse Belvin version of “Goodnight My Love” suddenly starts playing out of nowhere.

But there’s another type out there, one that I’m far more concerned about than any Pennywises-in-training: mascots who are silently (mostly because they don’t talk) crying out for help. They need our sympathy, not our suspicion.

Some mascots, we need to save. Here’s a ranking of the nine I’m most worried about:

9. Sir Purr, Carolina Panthers

NFL mascots like nothing more than to show up kids on a football field.

But Sir Purr has to live with the shame of getting blown up by a Pee Wee leaguer, doing his best Clowney impersonation at about 1/16th the size:

Even worse for Sir Purr, it happened in front of his peers who will never stop roasting him now. You can even see rival Freddie Falcon give the camera a little head shake just to punctuate the humiliation.

No one bothered to see if he was wounded, beyond his pride, either:

I’m not sure you are, Sir.

8. Who Dey, Cincinnati Bengals

Here are the first three photos that popped up when I searched for Who Dey:

Aaron Doster-USA TODAY Sports

Aaron Doster-USA TODAY Sports

David Kohl-USA TODAY Sports

Poor, sweet Who Dey. Tells you everything you need to know about the Bengals, though, doesn’t it?

7. Staley Da Bear, Chicago Bears

Like Who Dey, Staley Da Bear never seems happy. Unlike Who Dey, Staley is angry all. the. time. Even in situations where ANYONE, even the Queen’s Guard, would crack a smile.

Eating pizza? Angry:

Hanging with his besties? Angry:

Spending quality time with his beloved mother? Angry (and also might be flipping us the bird?):

Playing with puppies — PUPPIES!? Angry?

Who is angry when there are all those sweet puppers around?!?

Maybe it was all those years in close proximity to sourpuss Jay Cutler. Maybe it’s his Midwestern psyche that represses negative thoughts and feelings to an unhealthy degree. Maybe four straight seasons of the Bears finishing below the Lions have taken their toll.

But things are looking up for the team, at least. Now it’s time for Staley to figure out why he’s so mad at the world and take the necessary steps to improve himself so he can remember what joy is.

6. KC Wolf, Kansas City Chiefs

One day, KC will discover his true origin story: he’s a rodent, not a canine, and he was born inside a Showbiz Pizza in the late 80s.

His ensuing identity crisis and downward spiral will be a trainwreck. We won’t be able to look away, but there’s nothing we can do to avoid it, either.

5. Jaxson de Ville, Jacksonville Jaguars

Jaxson is both reckless:

And, like the Jags themselves, a hatin’ ass troll:

His total savagery is why we love him. It’s also the reason to be worried that he’ll either 1) lose at least one shag-carpet appendage after a Jackass stunt gone wrong, or 2) someone he pissed off will try to feed him to a gator.

4 and 3. Swagger and Chomps, Cleveland Browns

For some reason, the Browns have more mascots than they have wins in the past two seasons.

Swagger is a real dog, and he looks like a big ol’ goofball:

Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images

Chomps is a costumed dog, and he looks like he needs a hug:

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

In the mascot world, I can’t think of anything more heartless than asking man’s best friend to try to get people to cheer for a team whose biggest highlight in the past decade is a pulling off a pretty good tribute to The Office. I’m surprised Chomps and Swagger haven’t already starred in an ASPCA commercial that turns us into a blubbering mess who curses the good name of Sarah McLachlan.

The Browns are about one more double-digit losing season away from these good boys needing to be rescued and placed in home that will treat them well.

2. Sir Saint, New Orleans Saints

I’m not a doctor, and I’m not sure how mascot anatomy works, buuuuuut ...

... is it possible to have prostate cancer on your chin?

Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images

Sir Saint should really get that checked out by a professional. It doesn’t need to be Movember to take action.

1. Steely McBeam, Pittsburgh Steelers

You know those basic psychological thrillers you’d find at the airport, probably with “Girl” in the title, about a man who is doing brutal, stomach-churning things to women and a detective who’s trying to catch him? And the twist is that it’s not one man but two — and they’re father/son, because there’s a not very subtle metaphor there about the damage parents can do to children and the consequences as they grow older.

I’m afraid Steely McBeam could be on that path, thanks to who I assume is his father: Purdue Pete.

Purdue Pete has definitely killed before, many, many times:

Photo by Rich Schultz/Getty Images

Steely still has some life in those eyes. He’s not there ... not yet:

Getty Images

But we have to make sure he has no contact with Purdue Pete, who would do nothing but fill his head with poison and a warped sense of right and wrong. For the sake of Steely and for the safety of the general public.