2 Vol.

XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

news Upcoming Campus Events

Another 10 years of coke and not the
one you put in your nose.
Six Diamond Whore Coming to Stony
Brook on March 31st.
I-CON! April 4th-6th

The Killing Joke of Killer Coke

human rights advocacy. This gives lar campaigns is evidence of its suc-
By Andrew Fraley and Matt Willemain him a unique expertise perfect for his cess. Romero even went on to assert
roles in USAS and other international that the decision of Rutgers Univer-
advocacy groups. With this perspec- sity to choose Pepsi over Coke was di- A Brief Histor y of the
Can the decisions we make about tive, Romero acts as a liaison between rectly influenced by the Killer Coke C oca- Cola Controversy
what sodas and other drinks are the interests of the workers in Colom- Campaign.
available in the dining halls on cam- bia and the campaign organizers in Locally, the SJA has made great Although Coke denies these
pus have life or death consequences America and around the world. In his strides in their campaign against charges against them, cam-
for people over two thousand miles presentation, Romero gave a detailed Coke. They have had great success in paigners have much evidence
away? Stony Brook students with the account of Coca-Cola’s bloody his- gaining the attention of the adminis- strongly to suggest that:
Social Justice Alliance (SJA), a club tory in Colombia. Romero went on to tration and FSA. This has led to many For more than fifteen years,
dedicated to global justice issues, talk about the purpose of these cam- positive changes, such as the inclu- Coke has been involved in vio-
have argued they can. For several pus movements and the impact they sion of undergraduate and graduate lent, and often bloody anti-
years, SJA members, working with have had. “The goal [of these cam- student representatives in the bid union struggles around the
student and labor activists nationally paigns],” said Romero, “is not to evaluation committee and a code of world. Most notably is Colom-
and internationally, have been cam- bia, in which nine union lead-
paigning against Stony Brook’s exclu- ers have been murdered, and
sive contract with Coca-Cola. On hundreds of other workers have
Wednesday, February 27, the SJA been tortured, kidnapped, or
sponsored an appearance by public physically threatened since
speaker Camilo Romero, an expert in 1990. The most famous of these
making the case against Coke—and cases is that of Isidro Segundo
also conducted an interview with Gil, who was shot to death by
him, which can be found on the In- paramilitaries hired by the bot-
ternet by searching youtube.com for tling plant manager during
“Camilo Romero Q&A.” Romero is work on December 5, 1996. The
the national organizer for Outreach next day the paramilitaries
with United Students Against Sweat- handed the remaining workers
shops (USAS). The case argued by official Coke resignation pa-
Romero and the SJA, that Coca-Cola pers, demanding that they also
shares responsibility for human rights quit, or die too.
violations internationally (up to and Coke has since blocked any
including the political murder of bot- third party investigations into
tling plant unionists in Colombia), the matter. They also have yet
informs decisions being made on to disclose the findings of their
campus right now about what com- own vindicating investigation
pany can sell drinks to thirsty stu- to the public. The investigation
dents. team that reported these find-
Stony Brook, represented by the ings were a supposed “indepen-
Faculty Student Association (FSA), dent third party,”
has an exclusive contract with Coca- representatives of the White &
Cola. In addition to advertising op- Case Law Firm, a law firm
portunities around campus, most which represents Coke on a
Andrew Fraley
prominently in the campus’ athletic
Camilo Romero is a sexy activist-superstar.
regular basis. A second inde-
facilities, no beverage that competes pendent investigation was con-
directly with a Coke product can be ducted by Cal Safety and
sold in any campus eatery. In ex- eliminate the Coca Cola Company ethics for companies making a con- Compliance Corporation
change for monopoly economic from the face of the earth, but instead tract bid, which could result in con- (CSCC). The CSCC has been
power over students who don’t leave to make sure that we can hold them tract termination for continued involved in numerous scandals
campus and the chance to build to a higher code of integrity.” The violation of it. Nevertheless, Coke’s in which they have white-
brand recognition with young con- campaign has gained popularity and contract with the university expires washed corporate crimes, ac-
sumers, Coke pays the University a influence at a university level due to in July, and the deadline for the new cording to Romero. At the
premium in secretive scholarship students’ willingness to hold human bid selection is April 1. Coke is one of University of Michigan, Coke
funds, the details of which have been rights issues over the bottom line. the three possibilities for the new ten- promised an investigation by
hidden from this newspaper on the “Universities have a key role in that year exclusive contract, along with the International Labor Organ-
dubious grounds that they are a busi- they’re major consumers and contract Pepsi and Big Geyser. While an ex- ization. Coke has since quashed
ness secret. Contracts like these, for partners and have their own indirect clusive contract with the other two the promised investigation after
campus services like beverage provi- and direct economy over what con- companies is not the ideal, the SJA languishing for over two years.
sions, temporary and periodically tracts they maintain,” explained feels that any company would be bet- Apart from the incidents in
come under review. Stony Brook is Romero. Holding companies to a ter than Coke. The SJA encourages all Colombia, there is an array of
about to decide, again, with whom to moral standard at a collegiate level students interested and concerned to other charges against Coke, in-
make a deal for drinks, and under will send a message that there are po- contact Karol Gray. Gray is the VP of cluding anti-union thuggish-
what terms. tential future loyal customers who Finance is the Treasurer of the FSA ness in Turkey and Indonesia,
Camilo Romero is a native will not accept immoral and illegal Board of Directors and oversees Pro- and environmental violations
Colombian and member of the Na- practices of these companies. The fact curement. Before the FSA and Pro- in India, Ghana and Mexico.
tional Union of Food Industry Work- that other universities, such as New curement make the bid on April 1,
ers (SINALTRAINAL), the union in York University, the University of any input by the students could have
Colombia in which many of its lead- Michigan and Hofstra University a huge impact on the decision.
ers have been murdered for their have seen positive effects from simi-
The Stony Brook Press News 3
“I created Coca-Cola to alleviate my severe morphine withdrawls.” —John Pemberton

“Oooo...Your survey got served!”

Take The Press’ Survey of the Center for Survey Research’s survey of campus opinion This semester where do you attend the majority of your classes?
of national brand beverages. Does it adequately address all the issues relevant to the de-
cision we face? Read the University survey, and then answer our survey questions West Campus (Main)
Health Sciences Campus
Campus Beverage Preference Survey – 2008 Other (Please Specify)

The University is reviewing its Campus-wide beverage contract, and is interested in Are you a(n)…?
your preferences for national brand beverages that will be offered on campus. The sur-
vey will take just a couple of minutes to complete. Undergraduate Student
Graduate Student
The study is being conducted by the Center for Survey Research at Stony Brook Uni- Medical School Student
versity. Dental Student
Other (Please Specify)
As you progress through the survey, please do not use your browser’s navigation but-
tons like “Back” or “Reload,” since this will erase all of your responses. Instead, you What is your age? ____
should only use the buttons included within the survey.
What is your gender?
Your participation is completely voluntary and survey responses will be strictly confi-
dential. If you press “Continue” button below and complete the following online survey, Female
it means that you have read the information contained in the email sent to you and Male
would like to be a volunteer in this study.
We thank you for participating in this study.
Thank you in advance for your participation.
If you have any additional thoughts regarding your national brand beverage prefer-
I have read the above information and I agree to participate in this study. By ence, please write them in the box below:
continuing, I confirm that I am at least 18 years of age or older.

Continue

Overall, which of the following national beverage brands do you prefer? Do you feel the survey effectively measured your opinion regarding murders in Colom-
bia?
Coca Cola Products, including Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Minute Maid juices, Yes, entirely
Barq’s Root Beer, Nestea Iced Tea, Power Aid, and Dasani water Sort of
Pepsi Products, including Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Tropicana Not really
Juices, Mug Root Beer, Lipton Iced Tea, SoBe, and Aquafina water Not at all
No Preference – Drink both brands
Neither – Do not drink either brand Do you feel the survey effectively measured your opinion regarding responsible water
resource management in India?
What is the most important factor in determining which beverage brand you would pre- Yes, entirely
fer to purchase? Sort of
Not really
Price Not at all
Nutritional Content
Taste Do you feel the survey effectively measured your opinion regarding independent re-
Something else (Please specify) gional beverage distributors, Big Geyser?
Yes, entirely
How often do you purchase beverages from vending machines on campus? Sort of
Not really
More than once a day Not at all
Once a day
More than once a week Do you feel the survey effectively measured your opinion regarding monopolies which
Once a week exploit students who can’t get off campus?
Several times a month Yes, entirely
Once a month Sort of
Less than once a month Not really
Never Not at all

How convenient are the locations of the beverage vending machines? Do you feel the survey effectively measured your opinion regarding 10-year exclusive
contracts, which prevent fully 8 class years of students from participating in contracting
Very Convenient decisions on campus?
Somewhat Convenient Yes, entirely
Somewhat inconvenient Sort of
Very inconvenient Not really
Don’t use vending machines Not at all

Are you a Commuter or a Resident Student? How hard do you think it would have been to send this survey (shitty as it may be) to
every student on campus?
Commuter Excruciatingly difficult
Resident Very difficult
Kinda easy
Mind numbingly simple
 4 News Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008
Beverage for Thought
Did you know that in his final speech before he died, Martin Luther King Jr. called for a boycott of Coca-Cola products? Then he was
assassinated. Coincidence? You decide.

From the Desk of NYPIRG

dents have to buy- even if they don’t Bernard and other Stony Brook stu- Prom Boutique
By Jake Conarck need them for class. dents are continuing their textbooks
Senators Kenneth LaValle and campaign. “We’re surveying faculty, The Hunger and Homeless Out-
Charles Fuschillo called the hearing to meeting legislators and researching new reach Campaign will be collecting
State Senate Committee to Review collect input on pending legislation. ways to save students money,” Bernard shoes, dresses, unused cosmetics and
Rising Costs of Textbooks The “Textbook Access Act” would re- said “We’re excited by what we might accessories for the senior girls at Port
quire publishers to disclose book prices accomplish.” Jefferson Station High School. This
State Senate Committees on Higher to faculty upon request. It would also event will take place on May 3rd from 1
Education and Consumer Protection ensure that publishers offer books for 80’s Night p.m. to 4 p.m., however donations can
heard testimony from university offi- sale in the format in which faculty order be made at any time at the NYPIRG of-
cials, publisher and bookstore execu- them, meaning that if they don’t plan to 80’s Night took place on Saturday, fice in the Stony Brook Union room
tives, and students about the causes and use bundled “extras” in class they can March 8th in Ballroom B of the SAC. 079.
impacts of rising textbook prices. order books without them. NYPIRG Co-sponsored by NYPIRG and the En-
In recent years textbook prices have says the bill is a start, but it could go a vironmental Club, its main goal was to Homeless Under the Stars
increased at twice the rate of inflation. lot further. raise awareness and support for the Bot-
The average first year student now pays “It’s encouraging that the Senate is tle Bill. It was a great event that was able “Homeless Under the Stars” is an
about $1,000 a year for textbooks and taking up the textbooks issue but this to get students involved by having them on-campus, educational event where
supplies when calculated amounts to bill needs more teeth,” said Fran Clark, write letters to local representatives. Joe Stony Brook students sleep in hand-
23% of SUNY tuition, 25% of CUNY NYPIRG program coordinator. Clark Stelling spoke at the event about the ne- made houses of cardboard in order to
tuition, 36% of CUNY Community suggested that the words “on request” be cessity of updating the Bottle Bill, and bring awareness about the amount of
College tuition. removed from the bill so that publish- of the importance of conserving and homeless and hungry people that exist
“I paid $426 for textbooks this se- ers would have to disclose prices to protecting New York’s environment. within our own community. The date
mester,” said Lindsay Bernard, a junior every faculty member who orders Also, members of NYPIRG con- and time for this event will be an-
and Sociology major working with books. Other suggestions from tacted Senator Flanagan to urge him to nounced. The clothing drive is being
NYPIRG, “Publishers are releasing new NYPIRG included disclosing changes support the Bigger Better Bottle Bill by conducted on behalf of the Immigrant
editions too often and that makes it between successive textbook editions so calling his office throughout the day. Farmers Alliance. This clothing drive
harder for me to rely on used books.” faculty can decide if ordering the The Senator appreciated being able to will last all semester. Any donations can
NYPIRG students also complained newest edition is warranted as well as experience the passion with which his be made at the NYPIRG office.
that publishers drive up book prices by requiring that bundled supplements be constituents support the updates to the
bundling them with CD-ROMS, work- sold a la catre so students can decide Bottle Bill.
books, and other supplements that stu- which extras to buy.
The Stony Brook Press News 5

Death and Destruction in Albany with SSK!

Pepsi products. keting campaign. “If we were in busi- by graduate students. Victor Rosado,
By Jon Singer The group’s second meeting was ness together, I would recommend you who represented Graduate Students and
with Senator Kenneth LaValle. LaValle all buy stock in that company,” he said. Teaching Assistants, wants state support
is chairman of the Committee on To get to lunch, President Kenny to lighten the burden of university
President Shirley Strum Kenny Higher Education and, before the most had to walk past a long row of tables ad- funds. “Fees are a huge cost for us,” says
doesn’t lobby, she advocates. And when recent round of redistricting, repre- vocating for Binghamton University. Rosado, adding statistics about the cost
she traveled up to Albany with 1,000 of sented Stony Brook. The unusually per- Along with the Medical Society of The of living location fund: Living on Long
her students last week, she wasn’t the sonal meeting began with LaValle State of New York, BU had also brought Island is 30% more expensive than in
only one advocating for the state’s sup- showing President Kenny pictures of his up a sizable group ready to Albany, and 80% more expensive than
port. grandchildren, which set the tone for a advocate/lobby for what it saw as its fair Buffalo (SUNY Buffalo was also named
Her day of meetings started off trad- brief conference that reiterated the sen- share of government support. Albany a “flagship” SUNY school).
ing by jokes with BOCES. “You’re too politicians recognized the conflict. Southerton represented Stony Brook
late, we got all the money,” said one ad- “Stony Brook and Binghamton are like Heath Sciences and campaigned on be-
vocate from the Board of Cooperative the crips and the bloods,” joked Lloyd half of the Stony Brook Medical Center,
Education Services, as he left the con- Constantine, Senior Advisor to Gover- as well as the school’s nursing program.
ference room President Kenny and her nor Spitzer. She spoke while hospitals and nursing
convoy were about to enter. Apparently Throughout the day, President programs around the state face staff
Stony Brook isn’t the only group look- Kenny boasted to lawmakers about her shortages, leaving registered nurses to
ing for large numbers. school’s recently acquired “flagship” sta- work shifts that last as long as 16 hours,
But as the national economy shrinks tus. In her meeting with Constantine, according to the School of Journalism’s
and the state budget faces a deficit, this the group agreed that a large responsi- blog at stonybrooknow.com.
year’s lobbying season is especially im- bility comes with being named a “flag- Another campaign that Kenny pre-
portant for whoever wants their fair ship,” while representatives from sented throughout the day was the
share of state funds. Binghamton refused to comment on the school’s plan for a student recreation
President Kenny’s first conference title. center. “We need to be first rate,” said
was with Jeffrey Lovell, secretary of the This year the state is planning to Kenny, describing an “arms race” sce-
senate finance committee. Only, the lease the lottery to a private company. nario between top universities nation-
politician was “triple booked,” and in- While a bidder is yet to be found, law- wide for rec centers. Instead of asking
Jon Singer
stead the president and her gang of ten makers hope the deal will create a $4 students to pay for the center, the school
cohorts spoke with an analyst for most President Kenny and all her cohorts. billion endowment to fund public edu- is asking for $18 million in capital funds
of the time. cation. “This year demonstrates why to complete the project. “Until you
They spoke about the need for more ator’s support of SBU and higher edu- that endowment is needed,” said Con- build it, you can’t ask students to pay for
full time faculty, funds to mitigate stu- cation. stantine, referring to a state budget it,” says Kenny.
dent fees, a student recreation center, “Our growth and our development deficit that is over $4 billion. After hearing about hospitals,
and the expanding Stony Brook Uni- would not have happened without After a quick look inside the New faculty, rec centers and expensive fees,
versity Medical Center. Kenny’s travel LaValle’s vision,” said Kenny. “We are York State Capitol’s assembly chamber, Casellini wished President Kenny’s
group included USG President Joseph eternally grateful.” In response LaValle The Presidential convoy met with Leg- group good luck. “This is a very diffi-
Antonelli, United University Profes- did some advocating of his own. He islative Coordinator Mark Casellini. For cult budget year,” he said. With numer-
sions Chapter President Kathy Souther- commended the university’s impact on the fourth time, members of the group ous organizations lobbying on March 4,
ton, and Stony Brook Council Member the local economy, as well as the school’s introduced themselves and pitched 1,000 Stony Brook students advocated
John Cochrane. The head of a school athletics programs (the school’s football their issues. USG President Joe An- on behalf of their school. “We expect
with a vocal protest against Coca-Cola, stadium is named after him). Then he tonelli wants more full time faculty, the students to do a lot of the talking,”
President Kenny spent the day drinking told president Kenny to invest in a mar- after seeing core courses being taught said President Kenny.

Ballroom Skating?
By Nick Eaton bit to illustrate his point “It takes a lit- ice. It’s good, I think the kids will like which only gives credence to the rinks
tle more leg muscle, but it’s a lot like it.” mimicking ability.
The event was originally listed on
SAC Ballroom A has “hosted a the events calendar as costing $1, but
multitude of events from formal ban- upon waiting at the doors until roughly
quets and awards dinners, to student 7:30 (half an hour later than the listed
club parties, concerts, movies, food time) the fee was dropped and students
and trade show exhibits, and national were able to obtain a ticket at the box
dance competitions.” On Friday, Feb- office enabling them to skate for fifteen
ruary 29, however, the room was trans- minutes at a time. Attendance seemed
formed into an indoor “ice” skating scarce at first glance, a group of eleven
rink. The 20’x40’ cutting board mate- people waiting at the door that quickly
rial misted with water acted as an ice reduced to four individuals after fif-
substitute, but how did it fare against teen minutes of waiting. As things
actual ice? Andrew Washington, for- warmed up, the room gained roughly
mer head coach of the Farmingdale thirty inhabitants, most of them spec-
State hockey team, expressed only tators. Smiles filled the room for the
minor differences between the $3,500 most part. The only concerned gazes
Nick Eaton Nick Eaton
A little bit of this. And that.
rink and actual ice. “It’s a little came from first-time skaters who
tougher,” Washington said, skating a struggled on the pseudo ice, a point
 6 News Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008
Beverage for Thought
Did you know that Fanta was created by Nazis when they couldn’t import Coke syrup after the start of WWII? Just drink Shasta. It’s named
after a mountain, not a narcotic.

University Hedgehogging
New York’s efforts to become a leader in from which will be mostly spent here on term—and when it is successfully up
By Alex H. Nagler innovation and excellence in higher ed- Long Island. It will also sponsor special and running, those visitors will bring
ucation.” programs that will involve the entire home with them the memory of the
Stony Brook has joined the ranks of campus community.” good work they did and the good time
In an unprecedented moment of Columbia, MIT, UC Berkley, and Yale This new center will be used for the they had at Stony Brook. Our name has
generosity, Forbes’ 57th Richest Person for institutions that the Simons have study of string theory, which is essen- been spread around the world that way
in America and former chairman of the given money to. Now with the addition tially the study of the fundamental un- by summer workshops and we think the
math department Jim Simons gave of this gift, the Simons Center for derpinning of all physics. In the Center will add to Stony Brook’s world
Stony Brook a sixty million dollar do- Geometry and Physics will be built ad- creation of the center, the University has reputation at an even greater level.”
nation. The gift is the largest donation jacent to the Math Tower in the near fu- already poached Dr. Michael R. Dou- Having a center like this opens the
ever made to both Stony Brook and a ture. glass from Rutgers University. Dr. Dou- University up to further national and
single SUNY institution. It was an- When asked for comment on what glass helped create the first solvable international acclaim. A specialized
nounced at a press conference keynoted this will do for the school, and the model of string theory, and will be re- building that serves the primary pur-
by Governor Eliot Spitzer at Stony physics department, Professor George turning home to Stony Brook to teach pose of something, like an emerging
Brook’s Man- field such
hattan Cen- as string
ter. t h e o r y,
This gift is would do
one of the wonders
many recent for the
developments University,
that the Uni- giving it a
versity has sort of na-
touted over t i ona l
the past year. prestige in
Starting with the subject
the 50th an- area. Also,
niversary of Nova and
the campus Discovery
itself and the Channel
declaration by Governor Spitzer in the F. Sterman, Distinguished Professor and in the same department that his father specials always need experts to inter-
State of the State Address in January, Director of the C.N. Yang Institute for worked in, back when Dr. Simons was view for their latest programs. Having a
where he called for Stony Brook to be- Theoretical Physics stated that he feels in charge. few somewhat familiar faces would
come a “flagship” of the SUNY system, “…the Center, will further strengthen Parts of the money will also be used make for a nice change of pace in a field
the school has had a good year. Spitzer the related departments in physical sci- to bring in visiting faculty members to that’s dominated by the UCals and
called on other philanthropists to in- ences, making Stony Brook more at- serve a term or to spearhead a work- Columbias of the world.
crease their donations to Stony Brook tractive to the best faculty in all fields, shop or conference. On this, Professor
and the SUNY and CUNY systems, and will bring new opportunities in Sterman said, “The center will bring Alex H. Nagler thinks Dr. Brian
stating that “the donation will bolster graduate study, new grants, the funds faculty, but also visitors—long and short Greene and his strings are dreamy.

You’re Hired?
Berluti added, “I was looking for some and opportunities in all fields. We had childcare related. In terms of the job fair
By Najib Aminy jobs in the medical field, but I found to find opportunities outside of Stony as a whole, “I think it is a great oppor-
mostly financial stuff and insurance Brook.” tunity to get to know employers and ask
companies.” Although there were com- Of the medical companies that were questions about positions unheard,”
Dressed to garnish a good first im- panies related to the medical field, they in attendance was Kathy Barrish from said Zaveri.
pression, many Stony Brook students were largely outnumbered by business the Human Resource Department of Representing Aerotek, a leading
flocked to the Student Activities Center related companies. “If you are not a Memorial Sloan Kettering, a cancer re- provider of profession recruiting and
for the Job and Internship Fair this past business major you are not going to get search institution. Barrish looks for stu- staffing, Pinar Senyilmaz looks for cer-
Wednesday and Thursday. Résumés in noticed.” Said Berluti. Cerasini added dents that know what they want. Rather tain qualities in the students that come
hand, ties tied, and shoes polished, stu- ,“Stony Brook should help students with than asking questions of what a certain up to her. “Someone who is profes-
dents flocked to hundreds of companies building their resume with internships company does, Barrish prefers students sional, has good communication skills,
that were present at the job fair, such as who come up to her and ask questions and knows what they are looking for
Ameriprise, Geico, Liberty Mutual, such as “I am graduating with a psy- and knows where they want to be in the
Madison Square Garden, and the Social chology degree, what can I do?” next couple of years.” The résumé, Seny-
Security Administration. With over 130 Josefina Salguero and Zahabiya Za- ilmaz adds, helps, but it is not the de-
companies represented in the span of veri of the Stony Brook Child Care Cen- ciding factor, rather a way to help
two days, the opportunity presented ter say that of the students that come up strengthen a candidate. Senyilmaz ad-
ambivalent for students with specific to their booth, many of them do wind vises students to “check out the infor-
majors. up working for them. The Stony Brook mation beforehand, and stop at every
However, for seniors Mark Cerasini Child Care Center is a non-profit or- table because you don’t know who you
and Dan Berluti, of the many compa- ganization that provides childcare serv- are going to meet.”
nies represented, none had suited their ices for staff, faculty, and employees of Of the consumer companies present
health science majors. Cerasini sug- Stony Brook University. According to was Abercrombie and Fitch. Roxanne
Nagler
“Check out my mustache.”
gested that the career center should Zaveri, such a program is a foundation
“bring in more companies with variety.” and experience necessary for anything HIRED continued on page next page
The Stony Brook Press News 7

“One In Two People In the Country Is a Woman;

Is About Time to Get to Know About Them
event. Igneri says she was moved most provide supportive information in get- gardless of how strong their ideology is,
By Najib Aminy by Eleanor Smeal, who went up to the ting an abortion. However when one they are working towards the same goal,
four students and asked them about actually goes to have an appointment, attaining equality and justice for women
their troubles with starting up the Stony the “fake clinic” intimidates their pa- all over the world.
Feminists are the group that many Brook chapter of the FMLA. Igneri adds tients and provides false information re- When asked about the scene from
consider to be consisted of women who that her gesture was not only kind garding abortion, such as abortion the infamous movie Borat, Leyden said
are ugly, man-hating, self-loving les- rather supportive. Igneri says that the, causes an 80% increase in cancer, thus that the actual women who were ques-
bians. However to paint a picture with tioned by actor Sacha Baron Cohen
one brush fails justice as Britnay Ley- were in attendance at the convention.
don, a member of the non-funded Fem- The scene is where Cohen’s character
inist Majority Leadership Alliance Borat asks the feminists from Veteran
(FMLA) says. Leydon, a sophomore Feminists of America (VFA) about how
from Commack, recently attended the the size of a woman’s brain is smaller
National Young Women’s Leadership than a squirrel. The members of the
Conference in Washington D.C. this VFA get angry and leave the interview.
past weekend. Accompanied with three Leyden says that many feminist groups
other Stony Brook students, Leydon are put in similar situations such as the
and her classmates learned about ways members of the VFA. Igneri says, “If
to promote awareness of FMLA as well you take any of that seriously, you
as become aware to the strife that many should go back to taking biology.”
women leaders have gone through. Whether the findings of government
Notable speakers at the conference scientist Dr. Yemek may cause contro-
were Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes versy, both Igneri and Leyden say they
Norton (D- DC), Dolores Huerta of the were inspired in the cause of feminism
United Farm Workers, Eleanor Smeal of by Stony Brook professor Francoise
the Feminist Majority Foundation, and Cromer, who teaches various Women
Kim Gandy of National Organization of Studies courses. “She is just the kind of
Women. Of these speakers, the most person who doesn’t take anything from
notable to Leydon was Dr. George anyone and fights for the equalities of
Tiller. Tiller is a physician in Wichita, all.” Igneri says that it was Cromer that
Kansas who has been under numerous sparked her interest in becoming in-
attacks by pro-life organizations. With volved with the modern feminist move-
feminists, the foundations of beliefs are ment. Igneri urges anyone to visit
that feminists believe in equal opportu- Cromer and try to prove any faults of
nity for and justice of all women. They feminism to Cromer, saying that she
are pro-choice and fight for the rights of will answer back and make you think
all women regardless of race. and realize that you are wrong.
Tiller, a doctor who was a strong ad- Both Igneri and Leydon are mem-
vocate for abortions spoke at the con- bers of the FMLA and are working on
ference about how he his life was spreading awareness in addition to be-
endangered, how his clinic was burned coming more involved on campus. Ley-
to the ground, and about being shot by don left off with quoting Sojourner
pro-life activists. Leydon said it was Leydon is wearing a fantastic scarf. Truth, an abolitionist as well as women’s
Tiller that intrigued her most, with his rights advocate. “If the first woman God
mind-opening presentation of slides ever made was strong enough to turn
showing pictures of babies of drug ad- FMLA is having trouble conforming to persuade their patients to not have an the world upside down all alone, these
dicts as well as those with deformities. their nationalized constitution to the abortion. women together ought to be able to
Tiller described that these babies can liking of the USG, despite the fact that To the stereotype that all feminists turn it back, and get it right side up
live only 1-2 years of age before dying. they were funded the previous semester are man-hating lesbians, Leyden said,” again! And now they are asking to do it,
Leydon says that she felt inspired after with the same constitution. All we do is fight for our rights and men the men better let them.” Though times
hearing Tiller speak of his clinic being Another issue that caught the atten- can’t do anything but bash us and bring are completely different from the bra-
bombed, as well as being shot twice. tion of both Leydon and Igneri was the us down. Not all feminists are lesbians.” burning sixties as Ignerni says, “there
Nicole Igneri, a senior from Mastic practice of “fake” abortion clinics. The Just as with any group, there are ranges still needs things to be changed.”
Beach, who also attended the confer- conference brought awareness to such of beliefs any where from moderates to
ence, felt empowered after the two-day clinics, that when contacted by phone the radicals. Leyden says feminists, re-

You’re Hired, continued

HIRED continued from previous page
Mooris, Senior Recruiter of the Long Is- land and New Jersey, it is the students majority were geared towards students dance, there was only one: News 12.
land area, says that students who have a that are well rounded and very involved majoring in business, which left stu- Though many companies attended, few
really strong entrepreneurial spirit and on campus that would make a candidate dents in majors such as political science fields were represented.
really ambitious stand out to her the memorable and that much more likely and health sciences going from booth-
most. For Jami Johanides, District Man- to get a job. to-booth in hopes of finding anything.
ager of the Hollister Stores in Long Is- Of the companies represented, the Of the journalism companies in atten-
 8 Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

Editorial Board
editorials
Executive Editor
Bryan Hasho
Managing Editor
James Laudano
No to Coke
Associate Editor
Alex H. Nagler On April 1, the Faculty Student As- portant human rights concerns, which consists of a four-year program, ten-
sociation (FSA) will make a decision to are the priority in this discussion. How- year contracts mean that six class years
Business Manager award a new, ten year, exclusive bever- ever, we have additional issues with the of students will spend their full four
Adina Silverbush age contract either to our current beverage contract. At no point did the years at Stony Brook without ever wit-
Production Manager provider, Coca-Cola, or to a competi- university even consider a non-monop- nessing a contract renegotiation. If any
Jesse Schoepfer tor—Pepsi or the independent regional oly arrangement, or a contract lasting of these students are dissatisfied with
News Editor
company Big Geyser. The FSA should fewer than ten years—both unfortunate the terms of the contract, they will
Najib Aminy repudiate Coke and award the contract provisions are required of bidders by never have a single chance to voice
to a competitor. Human rights advo- the FSA. those concerns in a venue that matters.
Features Editor cates, from Stony Brook’s Social Justice The next beverage provider will, Second, given the tremendous turnover
Jonathan Singer
Alliance (SJA) and other groups, have once again, face virtually no competi- in student populations and organiza-
Arts Editor conducted a well-argued publicity cam- tion in the campus beverage market- tions, the long term of the contract is
Andrew Fraley paign, over the past two years, to draw place. With a monopoly contract, Coke, virtually guaranteed to prevent any con-
Photo Editors attention to Coke’s irresponsible behav- Pepsi or Big Geyser will be free to ex- tinuity in student leadership. No one
John ‘Caboose’ O’Dell ior worldwide—most significantly their ploit students who can’t conveniently representing students in any of the rel-
Roman Sheydvasser collusion with murderous paramili- get off campus, facing no pressure what- evant committees will remember the
Copy Editors taries in Colombia. Readers can find soever to provide quality products or process or the outcome of the last con-
Nick Eaton some of their arguments in this issue of reasonable prices. This arrangement is tract negotiations—there will be no in-
Katie Knowlton The Press. Page two features the article convenient for the cash-starved admin- stitutional memory allowing students to
Webmaster “The Killing Joke of Killer Coke”, which istration, which is bought off with pay- learn from their mistakes or build on a
Chris Williams details a recent SJA-organized speaking offs in the form of secretive scholarships coherent policy. The FSA should never
appearance by Colombian unionist that can be used to supplement the uni- sign any contract on terms longer than
Audiomaster Camilo Romero, in which he described versity’s inadequate state funding, but it three years, which would allow for
Vincent Michael Festa
the devastating consequences of Coke’s is unacceptable to campus consumers— meaningful student participation in
Ombudsman irresponsibility on slain union organiz- we’ve been gouged enough in the form campus decision-making. Power in
Sam Goldman ers in his native land. On page nine, the of multiplying fees, parking fine in- university decision-making should be
‘letters to the editor’ section opens with creases and countless other indignities. distributed fairly among those who will
a piece from our former news editor, The decision by the FSA to arrange be impacted by the decisions—and
Jackie Hayes, who is currently involved for a ten-year contract can only be seen since most of the people served by con-
in a campaign, similar to the SJA’s, at the as an effort to undermine democracy tractors like the beverage provider are
Minister of Archives University at Albany. We find their ar- on campus. The great majority of the undergraduates, we deserve effective in-
Alex Walsh guments, for using the University’s eco- campus population consists of under- struments to have a say in contracting
Distribution Manager nomic position to hold Coke graduates. Ten-year contracts under- decisions proportional to our predomi-
David K. Ginn accountable, quit convincing. mine student participation in public nance in the community.

Staff
We appreciate the attention the decision-making in two important
University seems to have paid to the im- ways. First, as the typical college career

Kotei Aoki Tia Mansouri

Ross Barkan Mariana Martins
Shaun Bennett Leeza Menon
Andrew Bernstein Chris Mellides
J.C. Chan
Doug Cion
Whiskers T. Clown
Laura Cooper
Caroline D’Agati
Justin Meltzer
James Messina
Jamie Mignone
Steve McLinden
Chris Oliveri
Klurfeld Should Be Ashamed
Joe Donato Ben van Overmeire
Michael Felder Grace Pak
Joe Filippazzo Rob Pearsall James Klurfeld, a member of Stony almost 800 votes are given to individual ests of giant multinational companies
Amelia Fischer Andrew Pernick
Jamie Freiermuth Jon Pu Brook’s Journalism faculty, writes a col- elite party insiders. The system privi- over the majority of the population.
Ilyssa Fuchs Aamer Qureshi umn for Newsday. His latest piece is leges these elites by counting their vote Corporate trade policy threatens the en-
Rob Gilheany Nirmala Ramsaran
Joanna Goodman Kristine Renigen despicable. In the March 7 column, as worth somewhere between 7,000 and vironment, labor rights, orindary peo-
Stephanie Hayes Berta Rezik “Power rightly belongs to Democrat su- 8,000 times the value of the vote of or- ple’s standards of living, highway safety,
Marta Gyvel Dave Robin
Mo Ibrahim Joe Safdia perdelegates”, he argues against the fun- dinary Americans. This system has, ap- the sovereignty of nations and what lit-
Elizabeth Kaplan Natalie Schultz
Alexander Kahn Scott Silsbe damental promise of America: a just propriately, come under intense tle remains of American manufactur-
Olga Kaplun Rose Slupski society in which everyone has a fair say criticism. Klurfeld thinks it’s a great ing. Its implementation has been a
Jack Katsman Amberly Timperio
Rebecca Kleinhaut Lena Tumasyan in self-government. idea. failure, and opposition is widespread
Emma Kobolakis Marcel Votlucka
Bryan Lew Brian Wasser
Klurfeld focuses on the Demo- His motivation becomes clear when and growing.
Antony Lin Matt Willemain cratic presidential primary process’ he illustrates his argument with an ex- Klurfeld, and those like him, want to
Cindy Liu Kelly Yu
Cat Lund much-discussed ‘superdelegates’. For ample. The reality is that Klurfeld sup- impose the will of their selfish minority
those who haven’t been following the ports terrible and unpopular policies on America, because they cannot make
race, here’s a quick recap. The party’s that can only be imposed on America a meritorious case for their ideas. He is
The Stony Brook Press is published fortnightly during
the academic year and twice during summer session delegates will select the Democratic when the voice of ordinary people is si- as wrong about the superdelegates as he
by The Stony Brook Press, a student run non-profit or-
ganization funded by the Student Activity Fee. The opin- nominee for president at the convention lenced. He is in favor of corporate-en- is about NAFTA. If this is what he has
ions expressed in letters, articles and viewpoints do not
necessarily reflect those of The Stony Brook Press as a in Denver. Most of the delegates, about gineered trade laws, like the infamous to teach, let’s hope his students don’t
whole. Advertising policy does not necessarily reflect 3,200, are determined by the voters in North American Free Trade Agreement take him seriously.
editorial policy. For more information on advertising and
deadlines call (631)632-6451. Staff meetings are held state primaries and caucuses. However, (NAFTA), that favor the private inter-
Wednesdays at 1:00 pm. First copy free. For additional
copies contact the Business Manager.
The Stony Brook Press
Suites 060 & 061
Student Union
SUNY at Stony Brook
Stony Brook, NY 11794-3200
(631) 632-6451 Voice
(631) 632-4137 Fax
Email: [email protected]
 LettersBrook Press
The Stony 9
E-mail your letters to [email protected] letters
Dear The Stony Brook Press, dation. According to War on Want, an organization established to address social
injustice and poverty, Coca-Cola has “exhausted community water reserves in
When I graduated from Stony Brook and left the warm confines of the Union India by drilling deep into underground reservoirs, drying up local wells and leav-
basement and Stony Brook Press office, I had no idea of the ramifications of Stony ing farmers unable to irrigate their crops.” They add that Coca-Cola has “conta-
Brook’s exclusive contract with the Coca-Cola Corporation. Coca-Cola has been minated local ecosystems in El Salvador and India through waste effluents
complicit in the murder of union leaders in Colombia, as well as the torture, kid- discharged from its plants.” War on Want published a report, “Coca-Cola: The Al-
napping and illegal detention of hundreds of other workers since 1989. On Aug. ternative Report,” in March 2006 detailing its findings regarding Coca-Cola’s cor-
31, 2002, Adolfo de Jesus Munera Lopez was killed as a result of his Union ac- porate practices outside the United States.
tivism in association with a Coca-Cola bottling plant in Baranquilla, Colombia. Over 100 campuses across the United States have taken steps to remove Coca-
On December 5, 1996 Isidro Gil was shot by gunmen over seven times inside the Cola or chosen to not renew exclusive contracts because of human rights, labor,
guarded, fenced in Coca-Cola plant. Coca-Cola is the new face of international and environmental abuses and crimes by the Coca-Cola Company against union-
sweatshops, creating fear and violence inside and outside the workplace. Stony ists and farmers. It is deplorable that Stony Brook is considering renewing their
Brook University needs to say no to Coca-Cola by refusing to re-contract with exclusive contract with Coca-Cola for another ten years. As an alumni, I expect
Coke in 2008. more from my alma mater and am calling on Stony Brook University to choose an-
NYC Councilman Hiram Monserratte investigated Coca-Cola, and his April other company who has not bought sugar harvested from child labor, turned a
2004 report cites complicity between Coke management and paramilitaries, whom blind eye towards the murders and intimidation of unionists in Colombia or ac-
Coke uses as its mafia to intimidate, harass, torture, and kill workers and union tively exploited land and water, impoverishing Indian farmers.
organizers. The report states, “To date, there have been a total of 179 major
human rights violations of Coca-Cola’s workers, including nine murders. Family Sincerely,
members of union activists have been abducted and tortured. Union members Jackie Hayes
have been fired for attending union meetings…Most troubling to the delegation Stony Brook Press, News Editor (2003-2004)
were the persistent allegations that paramilitary violence against workers was done Stony Brook University, Class of 2004
with the knowledge of, and likely under the direction of, company managers.”
Coca-Cola has also been harshly criticized for causing environmental degra-

To the Stony Brook Community, But, there’s so much more to Roger than just his running. He and his wife are
part of the Stony Brook family. Our Stony Brook family. He fell in love and mar-
This past weekend, Stony Brook lost two of its great alumni and two special ried Annette Hicks (’96), who is also a SB alumni, and they have shared over ten
men, Roger L. Gill (’95) and Warren Davies (’97) in a tragic car accident. Both years of marriage together. During her time at SB, Annette was elected SGA vice-
men were just thirty-five years old. We have been friends, no brothers, of Roger president and president. To us, the Gill family reminds us of how unique our SB
and Warren since during our days at Stony Brook from 1990 to the present and experience has been to all of us. Roger and Annette have four beautiful daugh-
while we send our condolences to both families at this time, we wanted to share ters, ranging from 10 to 1 years old. And, they are expecting twins in the coming
a little bit about the man we all knew as Roger and the type of husband, father, son, months. This is truly a tragic event in all of our lives and for the Stony Brook
friend and student athlete that the University community can be proud to call one community.
of its own. We were with Roger the night of his death, and as usual he spoke of his wife,
Roger was recruited by some of the top track programs in America (including his daughters and becoming a new father again. That night he also spoke of Stony
UCLA & Georgia Tech), yet chose Stony Brook for its educational and athletic Brook, and discussed why it was that neither he nor any of the Express members
opportunities. Roger was a 4 time All State high school track athlete in high were in the Athletic Hall of Fame at Stony Brook. In some ways, it bothered not
school and decided to attend Stony Brook with 4 other freshman. These fresh- only him, but all of us, and its ironic to know that during his final day, he still had
man, along with senior Jean Massilon became known as the “Stony Brook Ex- Stony Brook on his mind. He truly admired our University and lived a beautiful
press.” The Stony Brook Express brought forth a golden age at Stony Brook for the life.
men’s track and field team and this group still currently holds over 12 university Given all of what the Gill family has accomplished and meant for Stony Brook,
men’s track and field records, captured the ECAC track championships in 1991 the time is now for the University to take action and acknowledge to Roger’s fam-
(the first one ever), and has several All-Americans and Olympians. Roger grad- ily how special Roger was to our University. Everyone of our past, current and fu-
uated from Stony Brook with a BA in Human Resource Management and took ture students should aspire to live life as Roger did. Therefore, we are sure that the
graduate classes at Stony Brook. University will join us and our friends to help Roger’s family at this time. We
Roger epitomizes the notion of student athlete, husband, father and a quality hope that the University is willing to recognize Roger and Annette’s efforts in life
person in America that we can all honor. While at Stony Brook, Roger was Stony by providing their children with scholarships to the University, and additional
Brook’s first ever Freshman All-American. Roger was also one of two members support, as we all take this time to honor one of Stony Brook’s greatest alumni.
of the Express to run in the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta. One of our proud- Roger’s additional accomplishments: First Freshman All-American, 6 time All-
est moments in life was seeing him and Anderson Vilien on television as they American, 2 time SBU Athlete of the Year, 2 time ECAC- MVP, Senior Athlete
marched in the Olympic Stadium during the opening ceremonies. It brought tears of the Year, Milrose Games- Madison Square Garden- 1st Place- 4x400M, Guyana
to our eyes see our former teammates at the Olympics when knowing just two National Record Holder- 4x400M, Bronze Medal CAC (Central American and
years before we would all speak, not in jest, about how they would run in the Caribbean) Games- 4x400M.
Olympics. That was typical Roger, setting goals and achieving them. He was also involved in the following activities at Stony Brook: Polity Senator,
Roger was truly a special student athlete. We all drew strength from Roger’s Vice President- Caribbean Student Organization, Gospel Choir, Faculty / Staff
ability and desire to be the best. He was known for his ability to bring our relay Advisor- Caribbean Student Organization, Student Manager- Campus Catering,
teams back from 4th or 5th place to first in a blink of an eye. We also remember Assistant Foodservice Manager, Part of Opening Team for the Student Activities
watching his performance at the Penn Relays, where he passed 6 teams, many of Center, Foodservice Director- Stony Brook Union, Humanities Café.
which were Division I programs to lead our relay to victory. It was because of Roger was also a deacon at his church, Corona Seventh Day Adventist Church,
Roger that our team continued to get better, stronger and faster. We had no fear where he and his family often participated in many of the church’s activities.
with our leader by our side, and Roger never showed any fear. With love, brotherhood, and admiration. We will always miss you Roger and
Clearly, if you look at the university record books, Roger is the best athlete that Warren.
Stony Brook has ever had, both pre and post the division I move. Roger not only Courtney O’Mealley, Jerry Canada, Jeremiah Ellis, Jean Massilion, Anderson
performed at meets, he was one of the hardest working students we knew. We all Vilien, Wayne Mattadeen
owe part of our own track success at Stony Brook directly to Roger, who pushed
us, reminded us that we could do better and eventually let by example on the track Donations to benefit Roger’s daughters and wife Annette should be payable to
and in life. the “Roger L. Gill Family Trust”. Donations should then be sent care of Jerry
Roger ran for the love of the sport. Back then, there were no athletic scholar- Canada, Kenyon & Kenyon LLP, One Broadway, NY, NY 10004.
ships and no additional funds for the athletic department. We even had to pur-
chase our own running shoes. But despite this, Roger ran all four years, proudly [The letter writer additionally included information about Gil’s funeral services.
wearing the Stony Brook jersey. He was even the last SB athlete to compete under Unofrtunately, due to the Press’ production schedule, we were unable to publish this
the old school mascot, the Patriots. information in time for interest readers to participate.]
10 Letters Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

Dear Stony Brook Press, lems, we’re still forced to operate within the same exploitative University system.

Thank you for covering the important Graduate Student Employees Union What this means for you is this: The men and women who teach your recita-
(GSEU) victory that returned over $200,000 in Presidential Fellowships to the tions, teach your labs and grade your papers, in many cases live in illegal basement
pockets of Stony Brook’s GSEU members. Our members are frequently ignored by apartments and work multiple jobs just to make ends meet. They’re overworked
the campus media despite their tremendous efforts in teaching recitations, work- and underpaid, but more importantly, they’re forced to participate in a system in
ing in labs, grading papers and exams and working in administrative offices that which undergraduates are paying for an education where their teachers—teach-
make Stony Brook work. Basically, we’re saying that you fucking rock! ers who want to be wholly dedicated to their teaching—are unable to provide their
full energy and time.
Teaching Assistants and Graduate Assistants are underpaid according to Stony
Brook’s own Five Year Plan, which asserts that all TAs and GAs salaries should be Stony Brook and the SUNY system as a whole work because we (all) do. If we
$17,550 next academic year, not the mere $15,145 that we will be earning. GSEU stand together, we can beat back any administrative attack and the GSEU at Stony
Members have seen University administrators behave as stingy corporate man- Brook will be proud to stand with The Stony Brook Press!
agers, attempting to unilaterally cut and eliminate promised Presidential Fellow- In solidarity,
ships. Teachers in the Learning Communities have seen teaching fellowships
disappear; graduate students have seen the Graduate School fail to allocate ap- Stony Brook Graduate Student Employees Union/CWA1104 (Education Divi-
proximately $8,000 in Professional Development Funds; and teaching and grad- sion)
uate assistants are currently working without a contract with the State of New AKA, your underpaid Teaching Assistants, Graders, and administrative assis-
York. Even though graduate and undergraduate students may face different prob- tants working to help you!

Dear GSEU,

No. You guys fucking rock.

anks for putting up with us and our stupid questions. We know you’ve your own shit to deal with, but the fact that you can take time out to help us poor Under-
grads makes you (more oen, but not always the case) more awesome than the Professors.

Love,

e Undergraduate Student Body

Correction: My cartoon makes two important points. McCain’s claim that “…at no point
[in more than half a century of public service] have I ever done anything that
I’d like to apologize to readers for misleading them. would betray the public trust or make a decision that would in any way not be in
The previous issue of The Press featured a comic I wrote, entitled “Oh Yeah, Ex- the public interest that would favor anyone…” is ridiculous because its falsity is a
cept For That One Time,” lampooning the blatant dishonesty of presumptive Re- matter of well publicized public record. That the dominant media allowed his
publican presidential nominee John McCain’s sanctimonious claim to have never, comment to stand unchallenged and uncontextualized in that history, leaving
in his life, favored a special interest over the public. While the thrust of the comic young readers unfamiliar with the events of the 1980’s in the dark, betrays their
is sound—given McCain’s infamous involvement with Savings and Loan scandal failings.
figure Charles Keating it is remarkably audacious for him to characterize his po- However, a casual reading of the abbreviated summary of events in the car-
litical career as one of ideal service—in one significant way it is unfair. toon gives readers the impression that McCain is somehow responsible for cost-
In an attempt to dramatize the scope of the episode McCain was trying to ing the taxpayers the far larger figure. That’s not fair, and I’m sorry.

BIG LETTERS
sweep under the rug, I wrote that he “[took] money from and [performed] favors
for crooks who fleeced the American public—who got screwed out of over one Matt Willemain
hundred billion dollars…” This simplification conflates two related, but distinct,
scandals. The first resulted from the inappropriate exchange of campaign money
for legislative favoritism between Senators, including McCain, and the notorious
Charles Keating. The second surrounded the larger mess resulting from the col- Correction:
lapse of the crooked savings & loan industry, with its parade of impoverished
grandmothers and obscene, incomprehensibly-scaled taxpayer bailout. In the previous issue of The Stony Brook Press, confusion in our graphic de-
The figure of over one hundred billion dollars represents the cost incurred to sign efforts lead to our failure to give proper attribution to one of our writers. “I
taxpayers to bail out the failed financial institutions as a group. But McCain’s im- Got Some on V-Day, Suck It, Bitches”, the inaugural entry in the new column “Ad-
propriety was only linked to the most famous individual case, that of Keating’s ventures in Euro Lesbian Land” was, of course, written by regular contributor
Lincoln Savings and Loan, the failure of which only cost the public somewhere be- Ilyssa Fuchs. Regular readers may recall Ilyssa’s previous column, “Ask a Lesbian”.
tween two and four billion dollars. Same lesbian, different continent. Our apologies to Ilyssa.

MAKE BIG TIME PLAYS

IN BIG TIME SITUATIONS
The Stony Brook Press AA E-Zine 11

O p E d : I f I t ’ s Wa r t h e A s i a n s W a n t . . .
by Tommy Yu ning, thinking, and assembling before clearly did - it ceases to become satire and going to put you through anything we
cleverness can drive it home. Let it whiz loses all credibility. Sure, it may contain haven’t put ourselves through” is just as
Editor's Note: At Colorado University, a past the border of disrespect with insults some satirical qualities, but I was forced to hurtful as giving a hate speech aimed solely
2/18/08 opinion piece in Campus News, along for the ride and animosity will un- sift through fourteen paragraphs of blatant to perpetuate racial differences.
the student newspaper, If it's war the doubtedly follow closely behind. stereotypes to locate even a smidgen of wit. Given Karson’s history of bigotry (a
Asians want... It's war they'll get, set off That is exactly what happened when Max But wait, this must be satire because quick name search on Wikipedia brings up
a firestorm of protest. There is a link at Karson published his borderline-hate piece, Jonathan Swift, a renowned satirical writer, some interesting facts), I’m not surprised he
the end this article online containing “If It’s war the Asians want… It’s war once wrote about eating homeless babies! is once again at the center of controversy.

I
links to all of the news coverage for those they’ll get.” After the recent media furor he Oh, the shock that reverberated through the Then again, maybe I misinterpret his
who do not know the whole story. experienced, it’s a surprise that Karson homeless community! This piece must be piece. Maybe Karson’s point is that if all
managed to sidestep out of an apology and homage to Swift - except that Swift actu- Asians conformed, they would be as racist
used to think that people were too cau- slip away, leaving those involved in bewil- ally knew how to wield his Satire Sword. as he made himself out to be, or that they
tious in our society, that no one would derment. He understood the victimized party would would all fail at satire like he did. Maybe
take a joke for what it is anymore - a I couldn’t help but feel a little disturbed never take offense; he realized that the poor he was just poking fun at himself. If that’s
joke. Why take offense to something that by Karson’s piece, as it suggests that the could not read his work, let alone acquire a the case, I apologize for everything I said
clearly isn't meant to be taken seriously? best solution to the mounting racial tensions copy. Thus, he was free from repercussions. about his article.
Political jokes, sexual jokes, self-deprecat- between Asians and Caucasians is for the Most importantly, however, he ended “A So please, Asians of America, stop over-
ing jokes, ethnic jokes, I couldn’t have latter to hunt down all the Asians with Modest Proposal” with something along the reacting and give this badmouthing, misog-
cared less about political correctness when “extra-large butterfly net[s],” lock them all lines of: “we could eat all the babies of the ynistic, Cho Seung-Hui defending, racist
it came to these. up in a room, and subject them to humilia- poor, or just find a way to feed and clothe satirical writer a chance.
How ignorant was I to believe that every- tion and ridicule until the “Asian spirit has them.” www.aaezine.org/articles/vol19/19N3OpE-
one shared my point of view. There will al- been broken.” Of course, he writes all this Where was Karson’s redeeming line? dIfsWarTheAsiansWant.shtml
ways be people sensitive to any given under the blanket he calls satire. Okay, I get the weak satire - racism is bad ————————————————
societal issue. But when a satirical work forsakes its and there are no easy resolutions. But writ-
We all laugh when we see something duty to provoke thought and misplaces its ing an entire piece chockfull of blatantly www.aaezine.org/articles/vol19/19N3
funny, but a good joke takes much plan- emphasis on shock value - as this article racist remarks and finishing with “we’re not OpEdIfItsWarTheAsiansWant.shtml

Search Engines, Cisco, China and You

I
by David Lu to police who track down offend- many other alternatives that can be used
ers. such as Ask.com, Altavista.com, and so on.
t has been almost twenty years since the But perhaps the worst of all these The Chinese people are not taking this
Beijing Massacre, commonly known as companies is Yahoo. It is mostly sitting down either. In fact every year the
“The Tiananmen Square Massacre”. known for its two hugely contro- numbers of demonstrations in China have
Many associate this event with the famous versial cases. One involves a Chi- increased steadily. Perhaps there is hope
photograph of “tank man”, an unknown nese journalist Shi Tao, who was yet, and that “tank man” will live on for-
rebel who stood in the path to keep these known for sending information ever.
massive tanks from advancing. However, about Chinese censorship of news
has this event changed China at all, and to the Asia Democracy Forum.
what do major internet companies have to about it in fear of imprisonment and torture. When the Chinese government found out,
do with China and us? As for the schools, under government rules, Yahoo handed over Tao's email account in-
In the years following Tiananmen Square the event is not to be even mentioned. formation as well as his IP which helped the
AAJ
up until the present, China has been on the So what about the internet? In an ever ex- government track down where the message
road to a steady economic growth where panding nation, internet access has become originated. As a result he has been sen- Asian American Journal
cities have out produced and brought in more accessible to its citizens every day. tenced to serve ten years in prison.
much more revenue than small nations. The The problem therein lies with Google, The other case also caused the victim to ***
Olympics being held this summer hopes to Yahoo, Microsoft, and Cisco Systems. receive ten years in prison. Wei Xiaoning 2008
further China’s glory and presence on the These companies seek to appease the Chi- was an engineer by profession who SUBMISSIONS
international stage. With such growth, have nese government in exchange for a huge protested the one party system in China. His
the Chinese forgiven the government, or let market share of users - even if it means put- method of protesting was to post electronic
WANTED!!!
Tiananmen Square fall to the wayside? ting human rights at risk. journals expressing his ideas for democratic HARD COPY
Some have, many others haven’t. The way these companies appease the reform. As a result, the Chinese government PUBLISHED
Those of the older generation remember Communist government is to censor them- found out about this and once again Yahoo EACH SEMESTER
clearly the events of the massacre but few selves in accordance with Chinese law and assisted. The results of both these cases ***
dare to speak of it. In fact, the event was to notify the Chinese government about cer- have put Yahoo under scrutiny from human
meant to be self-contained but Western tain activity. Anything the government finds rights organizations. They label the com- ART, LIT,
journalists was able to slip it out. Therefore, anti-Communist is blocked from the web. pany irresponsible and have created move- SHORT STORIES, LIFE STORIES,
this brings us to the youth of China. When For example, a regular image search for ments for users to boycott Yahoo services, POETRY & PROSE
China’s top university students were pre- “Tiananmen Square” in the US, whether it though the effects have yet to be seen. ***
sented with a photo of Tiananmen Square be under Google, Yahoo, or Microsoft’s So what does this have to do with US?
MSN, would return hundreds upon hun-
Check out
from an undercover BBC reporter, they Not too far back many of us were deeply
were baffled. They didn’t know what to dreds of pages of results, many of them dis- concerned with Google who was under 2006-2007
make of the photo. The students thought playing the “tank man” photo. questioning to present searches from every issues online at
that perhaps the man in front of the tank However, in China, only four pages re- user in its database. It was clear that many www.aa2sbu.org/
was conducting some sort of ceremony, or turn. None of which contain that photo. of us were outraged, and the same should
Though Cisco isn’t known for search en-
aaezine/clubs/aaj
that the photo being shown to them was be applied to Google again, as well as
simply doctored. gines, Cisco provides communication sys- Yahoo, Microsoft’s MSN and Cisco Sys- ***
How could this have happened? With tems and all different high tech equipment. tems. Every time you look up something Send submissions to
many of the massacre generation alive, how In this case with China, it helps block in- through these services you are supporting [email protected]
could the students not know? The answer is ternet websites that users try to visit, and these companies in their compliance with
that those of that generation don’t speak also provides an array of high tech gadgetry anti-human rights movements. There are
www.aa2sbu.org/aaezine excerpts in SB Press Vol 19 N 4 Feb 2008 Weekly meetings Fridays 3:30pm at our office in Student Union 071
12 Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

features
Inside the Features section-
The Crusdaes All Over Again? Journalism Deparmtent Plants Gun- Black History Month Closing Cere-
Page 12 man on Campus! Page 14 mony Page 15

Zealous Christian Denounces Zealous Muslim

an “egghead with a degree in political “That gap-toothed hillbilly Ryan, wait to spit on Al-Fulani and all his fel-
By Joe Safdia mumbo-jumbo” to see what’s really like all Christians, is intolerant towards low Islamic terrorists when he’s rotting
going on in the world. my people, and that is why he and his in Hell alongside Matthew Shepard and
“Al-whatever-the-fuck-hates our fellow unbelievers will be purged from all the other homos.”
A millennium’s worth of religious freedom. He hates the fact that in this world,” added Al-Fulani, firing an Al-Fulani’s response to Ryan’s verbal
and cultural tension was put into harsh America, the greatest country in the AK-47 into the air. attacks was almost immediate.
words yesterday, as American Southern world despite the liberals, we can say Ryan expressed his shock at Al-Fu- “One in five people worldwide are
Baptist Jeff Ryan criticized the view- what we want without being beheaded. lani’s rebuttal, specifically at his claims Muslims. Dozens of nations in this
points and ideologies of Saudi citizen He hates that the penalty for stealing of Christian intolerance. world have Muslim majorities. If Ryan
Gabir Bin Al-Fulani. isn’t to have your hand cut off, and that “Murka Durka Jihad over there is ac- really thinks that all Muslims are ter-
“Gabir Ackmed Mohammed Jihad, when a woman is raped, it is the rapist tually calling Christians intolerant!? rorists, then he is paranoid and is in
or whatever his name is, is just another that goes to jail and not the woman,” That camel-jockey’s worshipping his need of psychiatric help,” said Al-Fulani.
terrorist, just like all the other Muzzies,” Ryan said of Al-Fulani. Ryan, who heathen god, Allah, and walking around “We Muslims live our lives under the
said Ryan, 47, a resident of the small learned on Bible.com that a wife should with his Koran which teaches Muslims guidance of Allah the Merciful. He is
town of Briar, Alabama. “They all do be to submissive to her husband, finds to destroy America, and he’s calling the same God as the Judeo-Christian
nothing all day but sit around, reading abhorrent the notion of women being Christians—who worship Jesus Christ God. Allah, who created the Earth and
their Koran and plotting how to destroy forced to wear burqas when outside the as the one true Lord—intolerant!?” all its people. Unless the Christians be-
America and Israel. How disgusting is home. asked an incredulous Ryan, holding a lieve that God is evil and condones the
it that all these dirty terrorist Arabs Al-Fulani, a 42-year-old Sunni gro- copy of the Bible, in which Deuteron- killing of innocents, they are hypocrites
want nothing more than to come here cer in Tabuk, Saudi Arabia, said he was omy 13:6-10 commands that Christians to believe that terrorism can ever be
and kill all Americans?” “heavily offended” by the attack on his immediately stone to death friends or condoned by the Islamic faith.”
“We should get rid of all the Mus- race and religion. family members who try to convince “Ryan has 24 hours to change his be-
lims in this country, if you know what I “How dare that American infidel in- them to worship other gods. “My Holy liefs and convert to Islam, or else these
mean, and then just nuke all those ter- sult my religion!” a furious Al-Fulani Book, the Bible, which is the one true infidel Christian reporters will be be-
rorists in the Middle East. That’ll solve told reporters, while preparing an IED Word of God, teaches you to love thy headed in the name of God,” added Al-
all our problems, I guarantee it,” added in a Shiite neighborhood. “Islam is a re- neighbor, not kill them.” Fulani, sneering at the video camera
Ryan. ligion of peace. The Koran teaches Mus- “The only people Muslims are prob- that was recording him as he menaced a
Ryan, who is a construction worker lims to be friendly and merciful to ably tolerant towards are fags, because blindfolded reporter with a machete.
and a regular contributor to the website People of the Book. It teaches you to fol- they’re the only ones that sin more than Upon hearing the verbal exchange
FreeRepublic.com, neither regularly fol- low the word of the kind and merciful the Muslims do,” added Ryan, who fre- between Ryan and Al-Fulani, 87% of
lows politics, nor has he ever studied Allah and to defend Islam from those quently quotes John 7:24 (“Stop judging the world’s population immediately de-
political theory in a college classroom. who wish to harm it, such as George by mere appearances, and make a right clared themselves to be atheists.
But, Ryan claims, you don’t need to be Bush and the American people.” judgment.”) Ryan continued, “I can’t

The South Side is Sinking

ings on the South Side of campus have tentially move a new (and mildly ex-
By Alex H. Nagler been coming in for over the past pensive) TV that had been purchased
twenty-four hours, and they’re very, by the Hall Council of the building, but
very wet. The first floors of many West the Residence Hall Director nixed that
Friday night was a wet night on buildings were covered by nearly an idea for safety concerns, sending all
campus. A freak rainstorm settled itself inch and a present par-
over Stony Brook and unleashed a del- half of water. ties back to
uge of moisture onto the ground, a tor- Basements of their rooms
rent of angry rain washing away Kelley and and in-
whatever sins the residents of Tabler, Roosevelt structing
Kelley, Roosevelt, and West Apartments were flooded. them not to
had committed. It also washed away a Mean- go down to
Some was dumb enough to be shoeless.
good portion of the ground and the while, over in the base- Tia Mansouri

basements of the buildings. Tabler Quad, ment.

Reports of the majority of the build- the residents Students
of one build- were per- gusting. I wonder what would happen if
ing realized plexed by I opened this door?”
that their the rising Upon opening the door, more water
quad was the tide, coming poured in. “Oops” said Derek, who was
New Orleans down in promptly called retarded by the author
of the cam- snow boots of this article.
pus. Built in a and galoshes Tabler Quad is the New Orleans of
bowl, the to wade campus. A quad full of music, drink,
basements of through the and culture, but one big storm away
from being underwater. I don’t want to
highly sus- The water was brown. Weʼre not kidding.
buildings are Tia Mansouri flood, mer-
rily jumping be there when that big storm comes and
pect to flood- about and the levee breaks.
ing. Toscanini College, for one, had splashing in the water. They also
nearly two inches of muddy water thought it to be more than a tad dis-
Even USG-Constitution-Hating-Senators Get Wet
Tia Mansouri flooding the basement. The RAs on gusting. “Ew,” said Derek Mordente, 19, Alex H. Nagler is if it keeps on rainin’,
duty had initially called for help to po- a resident of Toscanini. “This is dis- levee’s goin’ to break
The Stony Brook Press Features 13
E-mail The Press at
Do you like Mudkips? We at The Press, just LOVE Mudkips, we do. [email protected]

NSA Watches Me Prepare Satire About

the Senate’s New Wiretapping Bill
“We felt it was important for national abouts, the NSA has also purchased my communications between terrorists in
By Joe Safdia, but they knew that already security to know what Mr. Safdia was financial and credit card history for $6 order to prevent further attacks against
writing so we could do immediate dam- and a promise that the House of Repre- America, but how useful can it be if we
age control. Well, we’re still waiting on sentatives would pass a similar bill to can’t even find out what some wannabe
In light of Senate approval for the that. So far, we’ve seen his Myspace page the one that the Senate passed. Despite writer is planning on writing about us
expansion of President Bush’s warrant- about a thousand times, the most ran- hope that a thorough search would un- before he publishes it?” asked Gates
less surveillance program, and in antic- dom and senseless Google videos I’ve cover something of value, NSA analysts partly to reporters, partly to himself. “I
ipation of a similar bill from the House, ever seen, and a Gamefaqs walkthrough have uncovered no indication of what mean, it’s been about four days since he
the National Security Agency and other for Condemned: Criminal Origins on the may be included in my satire. even wrote anything. We could have
government intelligence agencies have X-Box 360. For us, that has nothing to “Porn, porn, porn, porn—my God! gotten a warrant to find all the useless
been exercising their wiretapping au- do with national security, and for him, I No wonder this kid hasn’t finished yet!” information we got from Safdia.”
thority to the fullest extent. For the bet- don’t know what that has to do with a exclaimed analyst Nathan Dorowitz, Earlier today, I sat down in an exclu-
ter part of the last week, the intelligence satire about our wiretapping program.” speaking to reporters through the far sive interview with myself, who had
community has watched me prepare “Will you stopping staring at that stall in men’s bathroom while using his taken a moment out of my busy sched-
this satire about the recently passed girl’s Facebook profile, Joe!? She doesn’t laptop to investigate my financial his- ule of searching for an mp3 of
Senate wiretapping bill. like you!” he added in frustration. tory. “I’m still hopeful that we’ll find Freezepop’s “Less Talk More Rokk” and
“We’d been monitoring Joseph Saf- reading articles about the storyline of
dia for a few days when we discovered Assassin’s Creed, and answered ques-
he was writing about our activities. For tions about my thoughts on the NSA’s
the sake of national security, we want to activities.
make sure he’s neither revealing any “They think I don’t know about
classified information that our enemies them watching me? They think that,
can use against us nor swaying public when I’m talking on the phone with my
opinion too heavily against us,” NSA grandmother, that I can’t hear them
Deputy Director John C. Inglis told re- breathing on the other side?” I asked
porters at a press conference this morn- myself during the interview. “They
ing. “Frankly, though, we’re not think I don’t notice them hacking my
worried. He seems to be more inter- computer and changing my desktop to
ested in watching wrestling matches on create little notes that say, ‘Will you get
Youtube than writing this satire. Does- on with it already?’ when I’m watching
n’t he know wrestling’s fake? And gay?” the episodes of Heroes that I down-
The Senate recently passed, by a 68 loaded? Look, the NSA will have to read
to 29 vote, a bill that grants retroactive it when it gets published, just like every-
legal immunity to private telecommu- one else. The more time they spend
nications firms that assisted the gov- watching me, the more time I’m going
ernment in monitoring phone calls and What are you going to do when Bushimania goes wild on you, brother! to spend watching clips from The
emails of persons suspected of commu- Whitest Kids U Know.”
nicating with terrorists abroad and sus- Thus far, the government’s invasion something, perhaps a pattern or deeper “Boy, you’d think the U.S. govern-
pected foreign terrorists within U.S. of my privacy has included more than meaning to these purchases that will ment would have better things to do,
borders. I began immediately preparing tapping my phones and reading my give us an idea of what he’s planning to like catching terrorists, rather than
ideas to write a fictional piece poking emails. Using elaborate GPS and spy write before he writes it.” sticking their nose into people’s per-
fun at the bill, especially after President satellite technology, agents have been “I just need a few more minutes to sonal business,” I added. “Pretty soon,
George W. Bush ironically cited it as tracking my exact position for days, acquire and analyze all this raw data,” he they’ll be telling me who I can and can’t
necessary to “protect the liberties of whether I’m at home eating dinner with added. “That’s right, Daisy Marie. Take marry, telling me what type of porn is
Americans.” Immediately, the American my family, working as a bank teller at it off. Take it all off.” too indecent for me look at, bitching
intelligence community turned the full HSBC, smoking hookah with my Other Bush Administration officials, about any videogame that has blood in
force of its communications gathering friends, or any other activity that can be such as Secretary of Defense Robert it, and going apeshit on baseball players
technology in my direction. construed as procrastinating when I Gates, CIA Director Michael Hayden, qho take steroids. Nah–even our gov-
“We had been wiretapping his should be writing. While the govern- and Teddy the White House janitor, ernment has better things to do than
phone, reading his emails, monitoring ment expressed frustration at learning have recently come to question the that.”
his Internet searches, and tracking his next to nothing about my article’s wiretapping program’s usefulness as a
movements ever since he began prepar- comedic content, some agents claim to result.
ing this satire,” said one analyst (on the have gained a valuable insight into “It’s long been the position of the
condition of anonymity as he was not HSBC’s check cashing policies. current Administration that warrantless
authorized to discuss the investigation.) In addition to tracking my where- wiretapping was necessary to intercept
14 Features Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008
Beverage For Thought
Did you know that Coca-Cola advertised with the Nazi press? Yeah, they totally supported Nazis. There are Coke ads on old Hitler Youth
brochures.

Howie Get Your Gun

“Very easy to hide, and I guess you arrived on the scene. their jobs are at risk as well.
By Katie Knowlton could make it look like a weapon. He The source wished to remain anony- “Most of the staff in the department
did.” mous for fear that he might lose his job. comes from, or has at least worked for,
Newsday,” he said. “Like me, they fear
Two weeks ago, an alert was sent all for their jobs here, and seriously, no one
over campus that there was an armed wants to work there again.”
gunman on the academic mall. A cou- According to the source, planning
ple of hours after the alert was sent, the for this event was held in the Newsroom
area was declared all clear by University of the Future, a facility in Melville Li-
and Suffolk County police. brary that bears absolutely no resem-
Rumors have run rampant since that blance to a glorified SINC site, with
time. Many have tried to figure out who TV’s playing lagging internet feeds. No,
the gunman was, where he went, and sir.
whether or not he was actually carrying The planning meetings were held in
a gun. What is known, however, is that this room because no one is ever actu-
the news media was deployed at the first ally in there. “Think about it, how often
sign of trouble, including the Journal- do you actually see people in the News-
ism Department here at Stony Brook. room of the Future?” the source asked.
Investigations regarding the matter For confirmation of this statement,
have, for all intents and purposes, several students were asked how often
stopped. But new evidence has emerged they see classes inside the Newsroom of
that suggests the Journalism Depart- the Future.
ment itself was behind the alleged gun- “I think I’ve seen people in there
man. once or twice, and I think one class, but
The source, a former reporter for most of the time it’s empty,” said Allison
Newsday, said, “This whole ordeal was Felty, a 21-year-old major in basket
actually concocted by the School of weaving.
Journalism. They wanted to be the first Many other students echoed this
on the scene, to be the ones the local sentiment, saying they rarely saw peo-
news outlets come running to for infor- ple in the Newsroom of the Future.
mation. It’s all just to boost the reputa- “Wait a minute, they actually hold
tion and prestige of the program.” classes in there? I thought it was just an-
The source revealed that it was actu- other SINC site,” said Greg Moore, a
ally Howie Schneider, the Dean of the physics major.

“Say cheese and die motherfucker!”

School of Journalism (wearing a pair of When told this during a follow up
stilts, an extremely baggy black coat, interview, the source had this to say:
and a black hat obscuring his face), who “Yup. It is, just don’t let anyone know-
was the alleged gunman. The tattoo re- Also, the source said that Schneider “If I lose my gig here, then it’s back to it’ll drive kids away from the program,
ported to be between the index finger is surprisingly nimble on a pair of stilts, Newsday, and I do not want to have to then god only knows what the depart-
and thumb of the suspect was actually and that he did not run to Harriman work for that crap paper again,” he said. ment will do next.”
part of a “Red Hot” temporary tattoo. Hall, but back to the Newsroom of the No other confirmation of this infor-
“The ‘gun’ the greeter saw? Yeah, Future to make sure that the journalism mation has been attained, but the This reporter likes saying “Newsroom of
that was a super secret, discreet re- students were dispatched as quickly as anonymous source says that since most the Future” because it sounds funny.
porter’s notebook,” said the source. possible, before the local news outlets of the department was in on the plan,

Campus Perps 2: Too Many Perps On Campus

Lou Little walked fast and got to the place where was the pizza criminal was. Lou Little was worryed becaus his brother doug Little was kidnaped and Lou Little did
not kno where he was.

“I will find my brother Doug Little and fight the pizza criminal and Doug Little will be happy” Lou Little said out loud.

Lou Little got on his mortorcycle and zoomed off the SAC and landed in the academic mall and kept going to the place where the criminal was. He saw a wepon
under a tree and wet to pick it up. Lou Little tested the wepon by fireing it at nearby bush and the bush went BOOM. “I am ready now and this wepon makes me
ready to fight the pizza criminal and save Doug Litte” Lou Little said.

Lou Little flipped onto his motorsycle fast and rode fast to where Doug Little was. Lou Little got a call on his telephone and it was the pizza criminal “I have your
brother Doug Little and you will not find me Lou Little haha” said the criminal. Lou Litlte said “You will not laugh at me!” and heard Doug Little in the back calling
for help so he drove fast.

Lou Little found the pizza criminal and said “I have found you pizza criminal give me the pizza and Doug Little and I will not have to shoot your head” and ran fast
towards the criminal. The criminal said “I have wepon and I will shoot you head first” and wet to pull out wepon but he did not have any wepon. “Haha you have no
wepon” said Lou Little to the pizza criminal and he shot the pizza criminal and the pizza criminal died.

Lou Little said to Doug Little “I am here bro and you are saved” But Doug Little said “You got here to late and now I am angry and am a criminal to!” And Lou Little
siad “Oh yeah” and did something special… to be continued?...
The Stony Brook Press Features 15
“Ittity bittity baby, ittity bittity boat, I don’t believe it, HABEEB IT, twinkie house.” –/b

The Purrr-fect Crime?

dom are being stamped in halls, bath- an intelligent, handsome criminal mas- stamps peppered around campus are
By Andrew Jacob rooms, classrooms and even laborato- termind,” she continued. One has to there as a way to break the monotony,
ries. truly wonder how someone can escape like a rhinoceros in a field of dande-
Police have very little information the long arm of the law for so long and lions.
Amidst the hubbub of an alleged on the perpetrator. Officer Paddy still roam free. Whatever the vandal’s intention, the
gunman on campus, the police have yet O’Chaere suspects that due to the re- Having seen the vandal’s “art” my- police are running in circles around this
to cover an even more important crime curring theme of the vandalism, the self, I can say that the criminal has good case, with no real leads in any direction.
problem on this fair campus. I am, of criminal is only one (or a few) people. intentions in his heart. He frequently In this student’s opinion, they should
course, speaking of the rampant van- “Chances are that he is a sophomore, stamps the figure of a cat’s face, staring focus all of their resources on catching
dalism that occurs everyday in almost probably a biology major, with a possi- off into space, perhaps at a dream far off this menace to our great society.
every building across Stony Brook. Pic- ble minor in physical anthropology as into the distance. Perhaps The Ameri-
tures of cats, chimps and other animals well.” O’Chaere said. “He has eluded the can Dream, so long ago lost in this na-
that represent a universal sign of free- police for months now, truly he must be tion’s history? Or perhaps the cat

Remember the Past, Move on to the Future

America are “not where we used to be, maica, and now a resident of Brooklyn. considered black. “What does that say
By Najib Aminy and not where we need to be.” Burrows is an international surrealist about your own people? It undermines
Dr. Cash was proud of the nearly poet. Burrows shared two poems, the the black community to say that you
fifty events that took place this year to first being “I Need a Baby,” a poem can only be white to be smart.”
Remember the past, and use it to celebrate black history as she said it was about the superficialities of life, specifi- Mbekeani’s solution lies in blacks step-
move on through the future. This was a wonderful culmination. She explained cally with the increasing demands of so- ping out of the box. “I feel that if the
the general message of the Black His- how the Black History Month used to ciety. In the end, Burrows “needs a African American community contin-
tory Month closing ceremony. On Feb- be Black History Week. To negate Chris baby” to deal with the reality and the ues to see people step outside the box,
ruary 29th, students and faculty Rock’s bit about how blacks were given surrealism of society’s demands. The they won’t feel uncomfortable stepping
congregated in SAC Ballroom A to the shortest and coldest month to cele- second poem was called “I Live in out themselves.”
commemorate the ending of Black His- brate their history, Carnegie Woodson Dreams,” recollects on the past of the Sophomore Lamar Lawrence of the
tory Month. established the week to commemorate struggles of blacks and connects a series Bronx, a member of the Caribbean Stu-
The night began with the Black Na- both Frederick Douglass’ and Abraham of lifetimes the universal message of dent Organization also feelsthat it is ed-
tional Anthem, a poem written by Lincoln’s birthdays. The week was then struggle. ucation that is missing from a majority
James Weldon Johnson in 1900. The later expanded to a month after much The night came to a close with a of the black community of today. “Edu-
song is symbolic of the strife and hope protest. slideshow of a study abroad program, cation is a big key and many of black
blacks have gone through in American The theme of this year’s celebration where Stony Brook students went on a population need to focus on the studies
history. Following the anthem was an was focused on human rights and social trip to Ghana. Following the slideshow a lot more.” Lawrence mentions Demo-
introduction given by Cheryl Cham- justice, lessons from the past, and chal- was the reception. Hundreds lined up to cratic presidential nominee Barack
bers, co-chair of the Black History be served with tra- Obama as being a huge inspiration for
Month, who emphasized the necessity ditional Caribbean how he has continued to overcome
of looking into the past in order to and African foods. strife and present himself as a positive
move on to the future. Chambers also As students began role model for the youth of today.
shed light upon the Sankofa, the sym- to fill their grum- Lawrence says that the biggest problem
bol of the whole month. Sankofa origi- bling stomachs, the is blacks against blacks, in terms of crit-
nates from Ghana, and is interpreted as message that was icizing and preventing each other from
“to return and get it,” which strength- left in the room success. He adds that the “young are
ened Chambers’ idea about the past. was of the past. stuck in stereotypes that they need to
The symbol of sankofa is a bird looking Freshman get out of.”
at an egg- the egg represents the past, M i c h e l l e Dr. Cash adds that the family struc-
and the bird represents the future. Mbekeani, of ture needs to be strengthened by going
Following Chamber’s introduction, Chicago, Illinois, back to traditional values. “Having sin-
the Stony Brook Gospel Choir took the said it was “ a very gle mothers raise their children with the
stage and performed a historical song,” good event. I like absence of a father hinders any chance
Take Me Back.” The significance of the how it highlighted of progress,” added Cash. In addition,

No, this is not where babies come from.

song lies in the roots of its meaning each event that Cash would like to see more dialogue in
back in slavery times. With the per- h a p p e n e d the African American community. “We
formances, much of the night incorpo- throughout the need to bring back the idea of social ac-
rated the past with the present, thus lenges of the future. Cash said that it is month. I never have been part of a tivism.” Cash continued that the stu-
reinforcing the sankofa. just as important to tackle not only local school that celebrated black history to dents of today are less intrigued by
Dr. Floris Cash, from the depart- issues, whether in this nation or in our that extent.” Mbekeani, the winner of holding political talks and becoming
ment of African Studies at Stony Brook, community, but also global issues. Cash the Black and Gold Pageant held by the more active, which he said is also an-
inspired students to change. “Changes said, “with this age of technology, you Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity feels the other problem. Cash also says that the
in the way many blacks here in America don’t need to think about past history. biggest problem plaguing the black idols children look up to are not neces-
are waiting for the next leader to step up But a lot of people still don’t know this. community is the lack of emphasis on sarily the best, as sports players are
and pave the path,” Cash said. Cash In this multi cultural society that we education. “It is an issue we need to looked up to more than the individual
went on to say that rather then waiting, have, and as people in this global soci- solve at the grass roots, not at high who graduates from Harvard.
it is imperative for the youth of today to ety, we need it more than ever because school or college.” In addition, It is through analyzing the past that
take the initiative and lead. Cash left the of the global nature of humanity.” Mbekeani said that blacks are their own one can get through the present and the
stage with the message of reminding The special guest of the event was biggest critics often mentioning how a future. Such is the case with African
those in attendance that blacks in Ainsley Burrows, originally from Ja- person who does well in school is not Americans.
16 Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

arts&vaginas
Loose Vagina-Talk In Focus:
Does It Threatens the Lord God?
women, low self-esteem, the lack of fe- standard white lights and populated shaved vagina, called pubic hair, “the
By Bryan Lew male orgasm, genital mutilations, sex only by four microphones, several lawn around the house.”
therapy and even female ejaculation. chairs, and two boards draped in red “You have to love the hair,” she
These conflicts, it seems, have been cloth. added.
When Vagina Day organizer Dr. started by men and their male-domi- The show is non-traditional; there is The audience, brimming with the
Smita Majumdar Das introduced an au- nated society. The problems were never no progressive plot or clear protagonist cast’s friends, families, and yes-men,
dience of several hundred to the play or antagonist. However, one erupted in laughter.
The Vagina Monologues, I laughed for could argue that the ac- I sat there, clueless and disgusted.
the first and last time that night. tresses and their vaginas Other monologues included “The
“We are part of a global movement serve as the protagonists. Flood,” in which one character became
to stop violence against women all over I sat there, clueless and dis- The actresses’ perceived dif- exceptionally scared of becoming sexu-
the world,” she said in a serious tone, ficulties, such as the spouse ally aroused, for fear of vaginal dis-
perhaps unaware of her extraneous use gusted…I found the con- who would only settle for a charge or female ejaculation.
of words. The Vagina Monologues, she shaved vagina or the Japan- “Because He Liked to Look At It”
reiterated, “is an effort to stop violence tent of the performance to ese soldiers who raped was a monologue about a woman telling
against women.” women, serve as the antago- of her sexual partner’s mad desire to
The Vagina Monologues is a per- be impious and unnerving. nists. thoroughly examine her vagina.
formance based on a play by Eve Ensler. The performance was “The Women Who Loved To Make
The Stony Brook version is directed by divided into about fifteen Vaginas Happy” featured a character
Natalie Cruz and is set in the modern non-progressive skits, each playing a sort of vaginal sex therapist
day in a non-descript environment. solved and are ongoing as women con- of which included monologues that who, along with three other characters,
It features a cast of about 23 ac- tinue to struggle for perceived libera- lasted for about five minutes. showed the audience a variety of sex
tresses, all clad in black and red clothes. tion. The skits – which I think lacked pro- moans.
The actresses call themselves The characters converse in mono- priety and decency – used vagina slang I found the content of the perform-
“Vagina Warriors.” Throughout the logues. They talk to the audience in an terms like “cunt” or “pussy.” One scene ance to be impious and unnerving. I
play, they largely remain unnamed, re- informal, casual tone. Sometimes they even featured statutory rape, describing found the show’s sexually-charged and
ferred to only by labels like “six year sit cross-legged on stage, as if talking to an instance when a young girl had sex promiscuous nature counter-intuitive to
old” or “old lady.” a friend. Other times, they sit on chairs with an adult woman. moral and religious values across the
The themes show the struggles and during their monologues, as if in a re- The monologues featured what I board.
daily routines of women and their vagi- laxed state. found to be dull, dry humor. Personally, I would not recommend
nas. It includes child rape, comfort The set is plain and simple, lit by An actress, distraught about her that anyone watch this show.

Vagina Warriors Speak

Vagina, a vaginic rant about things done was said over and over. They started sented, and all the girls thought that the
By Jack Katsman to vaginas in this day and age. discussing things with their friends that monologues were fairly representative
When asked about their rea- they wouldn’t have talked about before. of women, and their vaginas. Rachel
sons for auditioning each gave their Their involvement has given them per- gave a very diplomatic answer as she re-
The Vagina Monologues played in own, but all of them resounded the fact spective and allowed them to see how minded me that Eve Ensler interviewed
the SAC Auditorium on the 28th and that it was to meet new people and have different women can come together and 200 women for these monologues and
29th of February. It was an amazing a unique experience on stage, but first alter their lives for something impor- that her goal was to represent all
show, but I wanted to find out what and foremost was the idea of helping a tant. They expressed only good things women. Lastly, I asked what they have
made the Vagina warriors, the women cause: the V-Day cause. V-Day, as it was about being in the monologues, and to share with the campus; their final
that performed the monologues. Why explained to me by Rachel, is an inter- spoke positively of the reaction of word, so to speak. Rachel said that
did they decide to do this, and why did national movement to end violence everyone and their experiences from it. doing the Vagina Monologues was a
they wan to share these stories with against woman and girls. This year Kristie, in her performance of My “wonderful experience,” and if anyone
other people? Four women came to marked the 10th anniversary of V-Day, Angry Vagina, ranted about things missed out, they should look for it next
speak, two were new to the cast this which was started by Eve Ensler, the au- ranging from tampons, pads, or sani- year. Kristie said, that she wasn’t sure if
year, Queenie Mui, a sophomore, and thor/compiler/original cast of The tary napkins if you prefer, to a trip to the she wanted to audition, but did, and it
Khristie Connor, a junior, and two were Vagina Monologues, which V-Day ex- gynecologist. To quote the monologue, was a great experience She added that
“Vagina Veterans,” Rachel Kalish, a panded from. All performances of The “Like tampons — what the hell is that? it’s for a really important cause, so, if
graduate student, and Linda Sookhoo, a Vagina Monologues are done to raise A wad of dry fucking cotton stuffed up you want to audition, don’t hold back
senior. This year was the fourth per- money for the V-Day Organization, and there. ... As soon as my vagina sees it, it do it.
formance for Rachel, the narrator this also local organizations. This year part goes into shock.” She spoke about see- Queenie’s final word was “Don’t sup-
year, and THE second year that Linda of the proceeds went to the Wo/Men’s ing the audiences reaction to her mono- press yourself.” If you want to have
was involved, who was stage manager Gender Resource Center, as well as the logue and being laughed at because something said, say it. Don’t hold it back
last year. She performed part of The Victims Information Bureau of Suffolk people finally see someone coming out because no ones listening. Linda gave
Vagina Workshop this year. Queenie County. and saying it right there out in the open, her opinion of her experience and about
performed Say It, a monologue about All of the women said that perform- “My Vagina is Angry!” the diversity within the program. She
the Japanese comfort women, and Re- ing has changed them for the better. The girls were asked if they felt that also said that she was “inspired to be a
claiming Cunt, which is fairly self ex- Being more comfortable about talking all vaginas were represented, or at least, lifetime Vagina Warrior.”
planatory. Kristie performed My Angry about their vagina’s was something that the vaginas on campus were repre-
The Stony Brook Press Arts & Entertainment 17
“Matt has a fat cock” –James Klurfeld

Why Use a Gun When You Have Semi-Automatic

women (one for each letter in the word) Probably the best part of the pro- sensitive as the penis? Again “who
By Katie Knowlton encouraging the audience to shout duction, though, was Regine Roy, the needs a handgun when you’ve got a
“cunt” along with them. Many were hes- actress who portrayed a six-year old girl semi-automatic?” She was an amazing
itant at first, but within thirty seconds, and gave the audience various vagina actress and gave incredible life to the
Vagina Warriors of all sorts gathered small parts she had.
February 28 and 29 to partake in a pro- High points such as those were
duction of Eve Ensler’s Vagina Mono- brought down by odd directorial
logues in the SAC Auditorium. The choices and some sub-par acting, espe-
play, put on by the Wo/Men’s and Gen- cially when the more serious mono-
der Resource Center, was for V-Day, a logues were performed. Several of the
movement to end violence against monologues were split between two ac-
women and girls. The proceeds from tresses, when traditionally one person
this production went to the Victims In- recites them. The idea behind this was
formation Bureau of Suffolk, the good in theory, but in practice it only
WGRC, and V-Day.org. led to awkward transitions and confu-
The play is a celebration of women sion for the audience. It also appeared
and their vaginas, an attempt to reclaim as though some did not know their lines
them as something beautiful, rather fully, but this is a bit more forgivable as
than something dirty that must not be many of the performers, at least judging
spoken of. And, for the most part, this by their bios in the program, are not
was achieved by the cast of students and theatre majors or professional actresses.
faculty. Also, many of the serious mono-
The group of actresses seemed to logues had stiff acting, which did not
fare much better with the upbeat, fun- seem intentional. This play is meant to
nier monologues. “My Angry Vagina” is be a powerful work, but much of the
a perfect example. A woman, ranting power was lost behind stiff line readings
about what she sees as injustices against and movements on stage. During “The
her vagina (tampons, douches, and in- Woman Who Loved To Make Vaginas
struments used in gynecological Happy” four actresses demonstrated
exams), drew some of the biggest audi- several types of moans and orgasms, but
ence reactions. Nearly everyone in the they appeared to be self-conscious, or at
audience was laughing, either from the the very least, not trying very hard. Un-
monologues truth, its delivery, or a derstandably, it is difficult to pretend to
number of other reasons. have an orgasm in front of an audience,
Another monologue inspired a huge but the performers knew what they
audience response, although this time it were getting into, so it was surprising
was in the form of the word “cunt.” The how lackluster they were.
piece, entitled simply “CUNT,” asks the Overall, the Vagina Monologues, was
audience to reclaim the word cunt, not enjoyable, informational, and, most of
as the insult or derogatory term it is all, empowering. This play is meant to
mainly seen as today, but as a positive be a celebration of women, and its per-
word, a synonym, for vagina. This almost everyone was shouting it right facts between some of the pieces. Did formance was just that.
monologue culminated in the four along with the actresses. you know that the clitoris is twice as

Tartuffe–A Groping Good Time!

By Tia Mansouri

Not long ago I had the pleasure Tartuffe himself was nefarious and raging
Of seeing SBU’s production of Tartuffe Dan O’Reilly deserves much praise
The show was superb by any measure As the title character, he was engaging
Quite worthy of this rhyming spoof Setting the well-designed stage ablaze

Their take on Molière was modern yet refined The set’s cool colors and earth tones were perhaps meant
Thanks to Richard Wilbur’s clever translation To let the costumes and characters shine through
Yet, Deborah Mayo’s directing comes to mind But were the set walls falling over done with intent?
Deserving credit for this splendid presentation (Those, too, were a nice greenish-blue)

A clear fan-favorite was the maid, Dorine Catherine Beckowski, the dramaturg, stated
Who without Katie Burke’s saucy execution A classic bridges present and past
Could not have been nearly as pristine This play remained poignant and updated
And humorous in her contribution It was hard not to feel the passion of the cast
18 I-CON Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008
The Stony Brook Press I-CON 19
20 Arts & Entertainment Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

Brawny Man on Fashion

prescribe something that is so diverse star’s tuxedo and are a man dressed in unqualified and undeserving of our re-
and personal? women’s clothing and you have a dead spect. As I said before, beauty is a mat-
By Matt Braunstein
So I guess what these fashion “ex- peacock tied around your neck (Its true ter of personal bias and anyone who
perts” really mean to say is that her people I’ve seen it before), how the fuck knows fashion will tell you that it’s al-
dress is “popular” or his suit is “not pop- is anybody in their right mind supposed ways changing and adapting to differ-
I am a firm believer in the concept ular.” I mean, that’s what their real ob- to take you seriously? ent trends and consumers around the
of freedom and free choice. I think that jective is, to show us what styles are “in” And what is with the gayness? Every world.
as long as people aren’t hurting anyone and “out” of popularity. Her purse is fashion “expert” on television is a fe- If this is true then there is no way
else, they should be able to do or say “in”; his tie is “out”. His shoes are “in”, male, a faggot, or a fusion of both. Don’t you could ever have an expert in a field
whatever the fuck they want behind her earrings are “out”. In, out, in, out, in, get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing with such little emphasis on consistency
closed doors. Notice that I say behind out. It all sounds like one big mind fuck against homosexuals, i.e. men who are or concrete guidelines. If some chick
closed doors, because there are a few says that a new dress or style of wearing
things that I find so nauseating, revolt- your shirt is “in”, then it’s only a matter
ing, and obscene that for the good of all of time before she’s proved wrong and
men, women, and children they must something new is “in”. Just the act of her
cast away from the zeitgeist. They must telling you that a starlet’s dress looked
be confined to a sub culture; a dark, fabulous is bullshit, because that’s just
dank basement in the underbelly of civ- her opinion and no one is an expert for
ilized society. This includes things like expressing their opinion. I guess that
child pornography, sexual torture, writing this article and expressing my
Evangelical Christians, and movies with disgust and hatred for fashion would
Renee Zellwegger. make me an expert too.
I’m adding something new to the list They know this, the fashion “ex-
and its way overdue. Fashion, the fash- perts,” I mean. They too understand
ion industry, and fashion “experts” that they are nothing more than wealthy
should now be shunned by the masses, socialites who happen to be on a first
and it’s about goddamn time too. Any- name basis with famous people and
body who has watched the Oscars Red models. But they don’t want you to
Carpet Analysis on the E! Channel or know that they know they’re all full of
has seen an episode of America’s Next steaming bullshit, so instead they make
Top Model knows what I’m talking up equally steamy bullshit to justify
about. Is there a more vomit inducing their position as an authority on fash-
aspect of our culture than fashion? The ion. On the television series America’s
only other place where someone can Next Top Model, model hopefuls are
find as much dishonesty, insincerity, ar- constantly evaluated by specialists in
rogance, stupidity, vanity, and self-wor- the modeling and fashion disciplines.
ship is on Capitol Hill. They are constantly told, “The world of
The number one fallacy that I find fashion is unforgiving! You need to rise
with the fashion industry is that it tries above the pressures and hardships that
Fashion is for people like this.
to gauge beauty as if it were one unit of are violently thrust upon you! You need
measurement. There is always some to have FLARE! You need to be
asshole fashion expert telling us what is FIERCE!”
beautiful and what isn’t. They’ll say, “Oh to me. It’s funny that the “experts” sexually attracted to other men and act Flare and Fierceness. These are not
my goodness, look at this man’s suit! It telling us what is popular all look like on those feelings. I have gay friends and qualities applicable to the real world.
is just hideous! Who is he trying to social outcasts themselves. Do these in no way am I a homophobe. But there You’re not going to sit down at a job in-
kid?” or, “She looks just glamorous in people ever accidentally walk by a mir- is a clear difference between your aver- terview and say, “You should hire me to
that outfit! It’s elegant, yet simple. It’s ror and see themselves? They probably age gay man and the exaggerated, limp- manage your company’s network secu-
loud, yet subtle. Her dress just screams go out of their way to avoid reflective wristed, screaming fashion faggots on rity because I’m FIERCE!” You’ll never
SEXY!” What the fuck are these people surfaces and you can’t blame them. TV. You know, the type that calls every- hear the conversation, “Say Bob, why do
saying?! Most of these “experts” have had body “honey” and always yells annoy- we always order from Gino’s Pizza?”
I always thought beauty was in the more work done on them than an ’86 ing shit like, “Fabbbbbuulous!” “Gee Fred, because the Gino’s delivery
eye of the beholder, that it was a matter Chevy pickup. I wouldn’t be surprised Am I to believe that no heterosexual guy has FLARE!” These words are
of personal taste and everybody had if 90% of all plastic surgeries performed man has any kind of knowledge or “ex- meaningless and general and can be
different opinions of what is beautiful in America are done on people from the pertise” pertaining to fashion? Do really used to describe anything. If these spe-
and what isn’t. Some people think sun- fashion industry. Joan Rivers is leg- gay guys have a secret school like Hog- cialists were honest they would tell the
sets and paintings are beautiful to look endary for having a face that looks like warts where they go away and learn the skinny little model, “listen bitch, you
at while serial killer Ed Gein thought cellophane kitchen wrap, but she’s just dark arts of fashion critique? You’d just have to look good in front of a cam-
decorating his home with parts of ex- the tip of the iceberg. For an industry think these pee brains would realize era. Can you walk around and be at-
humed corpses and the creation of arti- that is so obsessed with external image, that more dudes wouldn’t be turned off tractive? Good, you’re hired.”
cles of clothing and furniture from their it’s a bit sad that their spokespeople all by fashion if they could recognize one So how are we to deal with this nau-
skin added a nice touch to his feng shui. hate the way they look. of their own in the mix. Sadly, simple seating cultural parasite known as fash-
I’m sure we all know somebody who in- Does anybody else notice that these logic evades the pricks. ion? I have a very simple solution. Go
sists that their significant other is “beau- “experts” in fashion all dress like color- Finally, the reason I’ve been putting to the headquarters of every fashion
tiful”, even though we find them blind retards. At least when some ana- quotation marks on the word expert or magazine, TV channel, or runway and
repulsive and lose our appetites in their lyst on ESPN breaks down game tape, expertise throughout this biting social drag every last one of these “experts”
presence. What I’m saying is that fash- he’s usually an ex-player, so one assumes commentary is because the people we into the street in broad daylight. Then
ion, or the idea of what is fashionable, that he has experience and knowledge have anointed as fashionistas, who we shoot them. Problem solved.
is completely a matter of individual relevant to the game that he is com- hold responsible for dissecting the
taste and opinion, so why try to publicly menting on. If you’re evaluating a movie world of fashion for us, are completely
The Stony Brook Press Arts & Entertainment 21

I’ve Been Sodomized 4

Studio: Red Light District In the first vignette, Mark Wood as- toe-curling orgasms were hot and turns plowing her every orifice.
Director: Mark Wood sumes the role of doctor and Jennifer completely believable and what’s more, The scenes on I’ve Been Sodomized
Cast: Ashley Blue, Audrey Elson, Dark serves as his very naughty pa- her preference of being on top makes are all nicely edited and Mark Wood
Hannah West, Jennifer Dark, John tient. After she tells Dr. Wood that she’s for a delightful view. After wildly rid- does a great job directing the flick. If
Strong, Mark Wood, Marsha Lord, Mr. suffering from a sore throat, the doc ing Dr. John Strong she receives a you’re into watching gorgeous women
Pete, Steven French begins probing her ass, assuring the ex- mouth full of cum, along with a clean taking it in the ass, then this DVD is
Genre(s): Anal, Cumshots, Straight otic starlet that all of life’s medical bill of health, I’m sure. well worth your money and immedi-
Condoms: No complications stem from the asshole. Next, Audrey Elson plays Wood’s ate attention.
Priceless! After a while, Wood con- private nurse who’s having trouble
I’ve Been Sodomized 4 has just vinces Dark that he’ll need to get a reading the clinic’s rectal thermome-
about everything you’ve come to ex- closer look down her throat and does ters. Thankfully for her, Doc Wood is
pect from a stellar anal film. This so by lodging his dick firmly in her able to show her a thing or two and
fourth installment in the popular Red mouth. This scene was amazing and puts Elson’s mind at ease after engag-
Light series boasts five incredibly at- Dark clearly enjoyed every minute of ing her in some mind-blowing sex. In
tractive girls with a love for arching it. At the end of the vignette, Wood the next scene, Marsha Lord plays doc-
their backs and getting their tight holes pops one off in our starlet’s mouth and tor and cures Mr. Pete of his ailments
stuffed for the camera. I’ve Been instructs her to swallow, thus ridding by remedying him with fellatio and
Sodomized certainly lives up to its his patient of her itchy throat. plenty of sloppy anal fucking.
name and will not disappoint those While sprawled out on an examin- Closing the show is the perky Han-
looking for hot backdoor action. ing table, the irresistibly cute Ashley nah West who reminds us why she ap-
There’s an irresistibly entertaining Blue complains that she’s been having pears on the DVD’s front cover. This
plot device found here where every problems in the bedroom and that she 19-year-old honey stars opposite Mark
scene is shot in a doctor’s office. While just can’t seem to engage in anal inter- Wood and Steven French who play
there’s a bit of a set-up before each course “correctly.” This particular plot- doctors willing to absolve West of her
scene, this pre-game plot is anything line was a little weak as I’m sure you’ve stomach problems. These two prac-
but boring and ensures a chuckle or noticed but who gives a crap, really? tioners are anything but professional
two before the film’s stars get down and What’s more important is the amazing and when they’re not tonguing our
dirty. action found in this little scene. Blue’s starlet’s asshole they’re seen taking

Shag Manila’s Philippine Teen 2

Studio: Sin City Teen score of starlets is clearly evident. At wards to make sure that her leading during the sex scenes and his choice of
Director: Shag Manila times I was almost convinced that man’s cum doesn’t reach her face. a horrible looping acoustic number in
Cast: Amanda, Georgie, Kathy, these girls have had zero experience in Meanwhile, the mug of our third girl, the film’s opening menu really helped
Maryanne, Rochelle, Vena the bedroom, which spurred several Kathy, is seen adorned with moles and, to downgrade the film’s overall value
Genre(s): Amateurs, Asian, One- awkward moments and a lot of odd together with her lack of enthusiasm, and appeal.
on-one, Straight staring into the camera lens. is definitely worth skipping over.
Condoms: Yes The first scene features the busty The last scenes featuring Rochelle
Maryanne. She and her partner imme- and Amanda serve as the film’s only re-
Amateur porn certainly has its ups diately fly through a long list of posi- deeming elements. Both of these girls
and downs. When observing this tions before Maryanne receives a hot are incredibly attractive, endowed with
genre, the viewer is usually treated to load of cum all over her tits and neck. large natural breasts and the charac-
the sight of the everyday girl who per- What killed this performance was the teristics needed to warrant careers in
forms just as naturally on camera as starlet’s inability to display even the mainstream porn. Rochelle is first in-
she would in her private life. Generally slightest bit of emotion. The whole terviewed with a handi-cam and ad-
speaking, it’s this element that usually time she’s getting fucked she’s com- mits to being an 18-year-old college
adds to a film’s overall appeal. As you pletely stone-faced and doesn’t make a student before her pussy is thoroughly
may have guessed, because of the level peep. This only strengthened the no- explored by her eager partner.
of uncertainty that goes with any ama- tion that she simply wasn’t enjoying Amanda’s performance showcases her
teur performance, things can quickly herself and felt incredibly awkward love for dick gobbling and after a little
take a disappointing turn for the being filmed. doggie and cowgirl screwing she will-
worse. The latter is definitely the case Next we have Vena, who when pre- ingly accepts a facial cumshot, the only
with Shag Manila’s Philippine Teen 2, a sented with a penis decides to stare at it one in the film, I might add.
film that was shot on location in the perplexed, as if it were the world’s Despite the two killer scenes found
Philippine Islands. toughest math problem. After a be- towards the end of the presentation,
The action on this DVD is fairly grudging blowjob and some mission- Philippine Teen was a below-average
bland and in almost every scene the in- ary, she too receives a pop shot on her film with more flaws than perks. The
experience possessed by the featured chest while angling her head back- director’s inclusion of elevator music
22 Arts & Entertainment Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

Through the Looking Bargain Bin Tentacle

Glass of Shit Monster Sim 2007
LOST: Via Domus is the new game ing twists is great, but ultimately this The Darkness for Xbox 360 is a by a New York City Mafia boss. He
for Xbox 360, PS3, and PC based on is a game. That’s where things go ter- mediocre game pretending to be an ex- looks like half the attendees at I-Con if
the ABC TV series. The first thing I ribly, terribly wrong. Besides a few cellent one. Despite the fact that I’m they had less Mountain Dew and more
will say is that if you’ve never watched completely nonsensical fuse-box puz- completely aware of this, I still can’t de- HGH in their diet. Unfortunately for
LOST, you can take this opportunity to zles reminiscent of the hacking puzzles cide which side I land on. It’s kind of Jackie, he is suddenly possessed by
think about what you’ll do with that in last year’s Bioshock, LOST’s game- like how George Bush is so obviously Mike Patton in the form of a demonic
money you save by not buying or even play relies on frustrating trial and a bad guy, and yet, he gets by well tentacle monster with a horrible case
renting this game. You can also think error. Apparently, the developers felt enough on some sort of dopey charm. of bronchitis. Throughout the adven-
about what to do for the 3-7 hours it would be clever to include several The Darkness was developed by Star- ture you meet dirty cops, dirty gang-
you’ll have not playing this game, or timed 15-20 second sequences where breeze, creators of the best thing Vin sters, and even dirty undead Nazis.
the 5 minutes you may have spent if you don’t take a picture at just the Diesel ever starred in: Chronicles of Aside from a particularly poignant
reading this. Seriously, move on–this right time it would loop endlessly until Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay for scene in which Jackie watches To Kill a
game isn’t for you. you got it. From what bargain bin did the original Xbox. There are some Mockingbird with his girlfriend, the en-
In Via Domus, you take tire game is about as bright as Don
control of a new character, Corleone’s asshole.
a man suffering amnesia The gameplay is standard first-per-
and premature graying who son shooter fare with evil demon pow-
was on Oceanic 815 with ers thrown in for good measure. You
the rest of the survivors. spend a lot of time helping out random
Right from the start, we folks in the subway with various prob-
have the most canned plot- lems that usually involve killing peo-
line in the history of story ple. However, at one point a
telling. Luckily, the plot im- batshit-insane old lady had me collect-
proves as you learn more, ing quarters she dropped in front of an
but the first twenty minutes oncoming train. Imagine the scene:
or so will most likely turn you, waiting on the tracks so this crazy
off anyone who isn’t suffer- geezer can toss a handful of quarters
ing buyer’s remorse. and watch you scramble wildly for her
The lack of genuine own sadistic pleasure. All told, she
voice actors for many of the spent about five dollars watching me
characters makes for some attempt this feat, and all I got out of it
unfortunately hilarious was another unreadable comic book.
lines. Michael exclaiming, When I wasn’t being harassed by
“WALT!” while staring life- subway kooks, I was shooting people
lessly into the distance with or raping them with slimy black tenta-
creepy bug eyes is as much cles. More often than not, I went the
unnerving as it is tear-en- rape-route, as I found the shooting
ducing-ly funny. Fortu- mechanics to be about as fun as
nately, the characters who are most this professional photo-journalist get similarities to be found here: the con- threading a needle, not to mention
pivotal to the story either have compe- a camera that can’t even auto-focus? crete-to-everything-else ratio is still swinging a big black cock around is a
tent stand-ins or are voiced by the real The fun continues when you feel 10:1, the most unsuspecting weirdos concept I hadn’t experienced in a game
deal. That is, all but John Locke, who around in the dark for bottomless pits all seem to need your help with some- before. They’re usually white, and
sounds like an Indian chief trying to or get jumped in the randomly-timed thing, and there are a ton of collecta- small, and Japanese.
sell used cars (“Brand spankin’ new!”). smoke monster insta-kills. It gets bet- bles-this time it’s in the form of phone When I investigated the cause of
Even if you are a diehard LOST fan ter, though, as I simply must share one numbers which you call at payphones my aiming troubles, I came across an
who engraves cryptic messages in your of the most absurd logic puzzles of all to unlock concept art and full issues of entire suite of tools for modifying my
pencils and backs out of the driveway time. It’s not quite as bad as catching the original comic. sensitivity. No less than four sliders al-
at a bearing of 325, you’re probably cat hairs to make a moustache, but it’s Yes, The Darkness is based on the lowed me to adjust a host of values I
going to take issue at some of the lib- a good reminder of why the adventure comic series of the same name. I’d didn’t completely understand nor were
erties this game takes. It never explic- game genre is all but dead. I shall never read it before, but the fact that I documented in the instruction man-
itly contradicts the source material, change the names of the characters to could barely read the text at 1080p tells ual. If I wanted to mess with this stuff,
but when the writers of the show tell avoid spoiling anything. me the developers did, and decided it I would have applied for a job at Star-
us it’s not canonical, the whole experi- At one point, two ninjas have kid- was best to spare us. The story of the breeze.
ence comes off as a multi-million dol- napped the president and his daughter game itself is interesting enough, The questionable design choices
lar piece of fan fiction. It’s really too and have taken them aboard a pirate though, despite the fact I normally don’t end there. A weird cover system
bad, because I have to say I liked most ship. As the bad dude, I had to stop champion stories that have grey areas exists in The Darkness which, if I were
of the story, including the well timed them with the pistol I’d fired about and questionable heroes, the plot here the developer, I’d give some fancy
ending that coincided with the episode three times in the entire game. My is a bit overbearing. name like “Procedural Weapon/Nog-
which aired the same week. You play as Jackie Estacado, a 21-
GLASS OF SHIT on next page TENTACLE MONSTER on next page
A good story with some entertain- year old-gangster who was brought up
The Stony Brook Press Arts & Entertainment 23

Love Me Some Nine Inches

story for good measure because he’s evil guitars half of the time. Longtime NIN Wanna Fuck You Like An Animal”
By Aamer Qureshi and must be stopped. collaborator and King Crimson gui- Reznor is playing a xylophone. is is
But that’s for later. tarist Adrian Belew is back with a awesome. As always, the production is
It’s really hard to tell sometimes vengeance on this album. ose who amazing, but this time around it seems
So Trent Reznor decided to surprise when a track ends because they segues are cool will probably remember a lot rawer—definitely intentional.
everyone with a new album, his second together so perfectly. e album starts Belew’s guitar solo on the track “Ru- So stranger to rawness, (remember
in two years. You’re probably sitting with what has become Trent’s trade- iner” off e Downward Spiral. Well the abrasive Broken EP from 1992?)
there and thinking “oh kk lol” but you mark gloomy piano style with buzzing this time around it isn’t as obvious what Trent possesses the ability to mold noise
obviously have no idea how big an ac- synthesizers. ere’s no describing the he’s up to. I’ve listened to the whole into something that fits so perfectly
complishment this is. Let these dates with the overall theme and sound of a
give you an idea of Trent’s previous song. His use of dynamics on Ghosts
album release tendencies. would definitely make you consider
Pretty Hate Machine (1989) keeping a finger on the volume switch
e Downward Spiral (1994) all the time.
e Fragile (1999) e music itself is very hard to de-
With Teeth (2005) fine. It’s unlike anything NIN has done
He only broke the trend with Year before, yet it’s so similar. You get the
Zero (2007). ese delayed releases same heavy beats, distorted synthesiz-
were a bit of an in-joke with NIN fans – ers and epic audio textures—yet it has
not anymore. something else, a side of Trent we’ve
Some would argue that this isn’t never seen before. Considering Trent’s
even an album. Humbug, I say. is is current musician status, this is an excit-
more of an album than you can handle ing time for NIN fans and the support
and it’s blowing people’s heads open. It’s they’ve showed is overwhelming. How
36 tracks of instrumentals put together do I know this? Well when the album
by Reznor and his in-crowd in the fall was first put up for streaming on
of 2007. Reznor, who recently split with NIN.com, it slowed down to a snail’s
his label, Interscope, lets you download pace and crashed several times due to
the album off the official NIN website the enormous amount of visitors.
for free or for five dollars. Five dollars Whatever this new sound is, it defi-
for 36 tracks and a runtime of 110 min- nitely resonates with NIN fans. e
utes? at’s insane. Still not impressed? album is available for download at the
Well he’s licensed it on Creative Com- moment but it’ll be given a physical re-
Nine Inch Nails
mons, and according to the website the lease sometime in April. e thing that
Ghosts I-IV
album is legal to share around and made many so excited was the deluxe
remix as long as you don’t earn a profit beauty of it, as every note just resonates album several times and I can only edition. It comes with four vinyl discs of
off of it. at’s right. You can go up to in your very being. So by “03 Ghosts” I make out what I think are guitar solos each of the Ghosts albums and is signed
the RIAA’s boss and download this off (yes that’s the track’s name, they go up in some odd places. by Trent himself. It costs 300 dollars and
the internet for free and send it to a to 36 Ghosts IV) it shows a little more Speaking of odd places, this album only 2500 were produced for pre-order.
friend and rub it in his face and then diversity—and some kind of Middle is definitely the most avant-garde move You’re probably wondering who’d pay
he’ll get security to pummel you sense- Eastern vibe. in NIN’s career. I’m listening to 06 that much. Well, they were sold out a
less and break your machine and prob- Some of the songs rock really hard, Ghosts I right now and I hear a xylo- day aer they were put on pre-order.
ably just chuck you off the fourteenth and the guitars don’t even sound like phone. Yes, a xylophone. Trent “I Bugger, I wanted one.

GLASS OF SHIT from previous page TENTACLE MONSTER from previous page
first idea was to shoot the ninja imme- blocking the president’s daughter from gin Concealment” and slap on the like the hero cowering behind trash
diately in front of me, as any bad dude harm. back of the box. In reality, it means cans the entire game.
should always go for the quickest and No one would ever, ever think to that half the time you peak over an ob- Despite all the awkwardness, I have
bloodiest resolution. Unfortunately, do that on the first try, and it’s this ab- ject to shoot someone, Jackie reaches to say I enjoyed my 10-12 hours of
the other ninja killed the president’s surd kind of design that is ultimately over with his guns-and the other time time with The Darkness. There were
daughter when I did this. In my sec- LOST‘s downfall. Well, that and the he simply peaks his head out like an enough clever little moments to keep
ond attempt, I shot the other ninja, fact that you spend most of a scant five innocent groundhog. I found that things interesting, especially if you can
surprised to find that it resulted in the hours running around barren yet armed gangsters weren’t phased by my grab it for $20 or so. Just don’t touch
president getting shot by the first beautifully designed set pieces, beg- attempts to stare them down, and they the multiplayer modes. Online play
ninja. On my third try, I noted a stick ging the game to give you something typically took the opportunity to play feels like a practical joke, with charac-
of dynamite on a box and immediately to do. The story is nice, but the actual Jackie-mole with my exposed head. ters barely animating, a complete lack
shot it, which stopped the two ninjas game, the whole point of program- These glitches and control issues of responsiveness, and everyone I
but also blew up the daughter. Going ming all of this rather than just airing were persistent, but I quickly found played with wondering what they’d
against everything in my small bad it as an episode, is horridly flawed. It’s ways around them. One of your pow- gotten themselves into. If you’re into
dude mind, I tried leaving and was im- a rental for any LOST fan who was ex- ers allows you to detach one of your story-driven shooters with a dark tone,
mediately stricken with a deadly case cited about it, and that’s as far as I can slithering sausage monsters and per- you can look past all the silly gameplay
of guilt. At last, I concluded that a bad recommend it. It seems one thing will form remote kills safely from a dis- quirks, and if you’ve already played the
dude would simply absorb the dyna- never change, and if I ever get tance. By the end of the game, I’d far-superior Riddick, I’d say The Dark-
mite explosion in his manly chest Desmond’s time travel sickness, crappy dispatched half the population of New ness is a good rental or cheap buy.
hairs, knocking out the ninjas but licensed games will be my constant. York City with the little guy. Nothing
24 Arts & Entertainment Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

Front Row With the Royal Scots Dragoons

Coldstream Guards is one of the oldest by Major Graham Jones and Pipe Major vealed their enthusiasm, as well as brief
By Andrew Fraley Military Bands in the world. The regi- Derek Potter, The Coldstream Guards’ glimpses under their kilts whenever
ment itself goes back as far as 1650, and the Dragoons’ bandleaders, respec- they twirled.
Towards the end of the show they
Scottish bagpiper bedecked in full featured a tribute to America, which
regalia and standing atop a challenger showcased the songs of the United
tank as it rides across the Iraq horizon is States Military. This set was very well
not an image usually brought to mind received by the audience, and loud ap-
when you think of the Middle East the plause proceeded each segue into the
region. That was one of many notions next song. There was a bit of awkward
the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards and silence between the songs of The Coast
the Coldstream Guards elicited last Fri- Guard and The Merchant Marine, as
day, March 7, at the Staller Center. The nobody recognized those songs as well
Pipes and Drums of the Royal Scots as the other military branches. But, fa-
Dragoon Guards, as well as the Regi- miliarity or not, the audience thor-
mental Band of the Coldstream Guards, oughly enjoyed the show and standing
performed a mix of British and Ameri- ovations resounded in the theater.
can fanfares, and artful medleys con-
sisting of traditional Irish, Welsh, Upcoming Events at the Staller
English and Scottish tunes. Center:
The Royal Scots Dragoons are Scot- On Sunday, March 30 at 7pm, the
Andrew Fraley
The Coldstream Guards in action
East Village Opera Company will be
land’s only regular cavalry regiment.
coming to the Staller Center. Com-
Their history dates back as far as 1678,
prised of a conventional rock band, a
and they are one of Britain’s oldest sur- formed by George Monck, a general in tively. Each thematic set contained a string quartet and two vocalists, does
viving cavalry line. Their Regimental Oliver Cromwell’s army. As the regi- number of songs that flowed smoothly this group have the pomposity to
Standard displays fifty celebrated battle ment gained battle honors and fame, into each other. The Coldstream Guards cover the previously untouchable hits
honors, achieved in wars throughout the strength and size of the band in- executed their marches with flawless of the days of yore? There’s a video
their history. The Dragoons are cur- creased to its current 45-man power- precision, and the Dragoons piped their clip available at the Staller Center’s
rently experienced tank crewmen and house roster. bags with energy and poise. The Dra- web site, www.stallercenter.com.
have served in the conflicts in Iraq, The concert consisted of artful goons also featured traditional Scottish Tickets are $32.
Bosnia and Kosovo. The Band of the arrangements of traditional songs, often dancers. Their vigorous dancing re-

Roksonaki Celebrates Nauryz at Wang Center

tional Kazakh instruments as well as a heard running through their music, music live and watching the emotions
By Iris Lin wide variety of instruments from other subtlety intertwining in enchanting played out, not only in the music but
cultures. “We incorporate other instru- ways. also on the musicians’ faces and in their
ments to create a richer sound in our The concert was not only a delight- movements. Roksonaki brought to-
Roksonaki, a musical group from gether music and performance to make
Kazakhstan, put on a concert at the a fantastic concert with a repertoire of
Charles B. Wang Center Theater on Fri- great variety. I particularly enjoyed
day, March 7. They are currently tour- “Aiken-ai.” The plaintive tone of Karin’s
ing the US in celebration of Nauryz, a vocals created such feelings of yearning
festival welcoming the arrival of spring. for something bittersweet and longing
Widely observed in Central Asia and for something precious, now lost. “Bau”
the Middle East, the holiday begins on was very energizing, and having to sit
March 21 and lasts for a month. Nauryz still in a seat was dissatisfying. The sub-
is one of the most popular holidays in tle rhythm of “Karakurt” combined
Kazakhstan because it is not only sym- with Sekeev’s throat singing had a mes-
bolic of spring’s reawakening and re- merizing quality, while Sabitov’s playing
newal, but also a time for friends and of the kyl-kobyz in “Kui Akku” skillfully
family to come together and celebrate invoked the essence of swans.
with food and festivities. Although this concert was per-
To honor Nauryz, Roksonaki put formed solely with acoustic instru-
together a program of traditional ments, Roksonaki is also well known for
Kazakh music. The three musicians, music,” said Karin. I have to agree; while ful feast for the ears but wonderful to their fusion of traditional Kazakh music
Ruslan Karin, Yerlan Sabitov and their music has a clean crisp acoustic watch as well. There is something very with music from pop, jazz, and rock
Galymjan Sekeev, all specialize in tradi- sound there are many layers that can be unique and special about experiencing genres. More information on the band
can be found at www.mosaiqa.com and
at their myspace page
Dungeons and Dragoons www.myspace.com/roksonaki.
I completed my first ever campaign during the campaign, which was set in
last Friday night. My name was Audi- the fictional world of The Staller Cen-
ence Member, and I guess my character ter. I defeated The Royal Scots Dra-
type was Thief, considering I didn’t pay goons with a favorable dice throw of 8.
for my ticket. I sustained few wounds -David K. Ginn
The Stony Brook Press Arts & Entertainment 25
Beverage For Thought
Did you know that Coca-Cola sponsored the 1936 Berlin Olympic Games? You know, the ones where the Jews lost...their lives.

Silverstein Plays Times Square

other half hour on the coat check line. some moshpit. Aer around a half hour are like Hawthorne Heights in that their
By Dave Robin Unfortunately, it was a snowy and rainy of singing and screaming, A Day to Re- newer music has a slightly “main-
day, so almost everyone had a coat to member le and the roadies set up for stream” sound, and this led many peo-
leave with the helpful employees of the the next band, e Devil Wears Prada. ple in the crowd to chant for their older
ere are many different types of en- Nokia eatre. By the time we handed For those who are wondering, e music. I was one of these people, but I
tertainment that are constantly present off our coats and three dollars, we Devil Wears Prada are nothing like the think that their new music is also fun to
in Times Square. People usually walk missed Protest the Hero, the first band movie that they are named aer. ey listen to. ey ended up playing a good
through Times Square to go shopping, of the Chillin Across America 2008 are a hardcore band from Dayton, Ohio mixture of their newer music from Ar-
have a meal, explore the area or all tour. Protest the Hero is a five piece and have a loud screeching sound with rivals & Departures and their older
three. On December 22, I walked right band with a fast punk/hardcore sound. some deeper elements mixed in. ey music from Discovering the Waterfront,
passed the towering buildings and I was disappointed, but I haven’t lis- are also devout believers in Jesus, like and When Broken is Easily Fixed. ey
blinding lights for a completely differ- tened to their music very much so it Underoath. ey played a very solid, started off with newer songs like “Still
ent reason. I rode on the train from wasn’t as bad as it could have been. hour-long set that had some of a crazi- Dreaming” and “Sound of the Sun” be-
Stony Brook to Penn Station and then However, the next band was one of the est moshpits I have ever seen. ey are fore mixing in their older music. Most
walked to Times Square to hear music. main reasons that I ventured in the better live than on their albums because of the songs had crazy mosh pits and
e Nokia eatre is located in Times frigid New York air to attend the con- they have a contagious energy that can- there was a huge circle pit for “Defend
Square, and while it definitely has a cor- cert. not be detected in their recordings. e You.” e fans went completely insane
porate feel, it is still my favorite place to Many people thought that they were crowd was going insane the whole time, for their older songs like “November,”
hear music. One of my favorite bands, e Devil Wears Prada, due to that and the Devil Wears Prada fed off of “Last Days of Summer,” “Red Light
Silverstein, performed at the Nokia e- band’s banner coming down, but they their energy. ey played their more Pledge,” “Weak and e Wounded,” and
atre on Friday night, December 22, and were actually A Day to Remember – a popular songs, like “is Song is “Call it Karma.” ey played almost all
it was four hours of my life well spent. hardcore band from Oscala, Florida Called,” “Reptar, King of the Ozone,” of their older music but le out a couple
My roommate and I arrived at Penn with a very interesting sound. ey are “HTML Rulez D00d,” and “Hey John, of popular songs, which resulted in a
Station at 5 p.m. and the doors were signed to Victory Records and their Whats Your Name Again?” When they “one more song” chant. I chanted loudly
opening in an hour, which would turn sound is an intriguing mix of melodic le the stage of the Nokia eatre, the with the rest of the crowd and was se-
out to be our only problem during the pop-punk and very deep hardcore crowd was drenched with sweat, but cretly hoping for “My Heroine” and “My
night. Aer having awesome burritos music. I saw them live at the previous ready for the headliner. Heart Bleeds No More,” their two most
from Chipotle, we walked to Times concert I attended at the Nokia eatre- Silverstein was the final band of the popular songs. e moment that made
Square, where we discovered that the with Bayside as the headliner. Tonight, night and had over an hour to play. my night was when they came back out
line was around the block. I don’t mean they played their most popular songs, ey are usually classified as a screamo for an encore and played both songs.
that it was figuratively very long, but “Fast Forward to 2012,” “Plot to Bomb band and have Burlington, Canada as Everyone knew that they would come
that it actually turned two corners and the Panhandle,” and “e Danger in their hometown. Any fans of back out and their song choice was pre-
went all the way down the next block. Starting a Fire,”– which led the crowd Hawthorne Heights would probably like dictable, but I was still satisfied that I
Arriving so soon before the doors into a crazy moshpit frenzy. ey also Silverstein more than they ever liked was correct, because it was the perfect
opened turned out to be a huge mistake played their cover of “Since U Been Hawthorne Heights. In my opinion, Sil- ending to a great concert.
because it took around 45 minutes to Gone” by Kelly Clarkson, which verstein has more solid guitar players
enter the Nokia eatre, and at least an- brought some laughs and another awe- and a much more solid vocalist. ey

Magnetic Fields at Town Hall

ented.” The group also includes Claudia Minimalism is prevalent in the work like to be a playboy’s bunny, I’d do what-
By Laura Cooper Gonson, who plays the piano and pro- of The Magnetic Fields, a band whose ever they asked me to.” The lyrics can be
vides vocals for the band, Sam Davol, music explores the often-bitter chaos of interpreted as seemingly mimicking the
who plays the cello and John Woo, who being in love as a major theme. Songs words of ignorant young girls around
The audience is full, the lights dim– plays the banjo and the guitar. The band that boast the questioning lyrics “who the globe. But in this case, Gonson’s
a momentary silence falls upon the formed after Merritt contacted his high do you love when I’m out of town?” downtrodden, humorous way of per-
stage with a black curtain as its sole school bandmate, Gonson, to play some mimic the lamentations that are readily forming the piece makes it obvious that
background. The band, looking as if of his compositions. They played to- explored on The Magnetic Field’s previ- she does not, in fact, want to be a play-
they had just come straight from home gether for the first time in Cambridge, ous albums, as well as in their latest re- boy’s bunny.
themselves, nonchalantly takes the Mass. in 1991 to a sparse crowd. lease. The Magnetic Field’s main theme
stage. A nearby woman clutches a de- The Magnetic Fields have since re- Distortion was released on None- throughout their discography is cen-
signer bag, clearly more expensive than leased eight albums, including their such Records this past January and is al- tered on the familiarity of being an out-
all the band member’s outfits combined. 1999 hit 69 Love Songs, a three-disc ready garnering press for the blunt, yet sider. The band performed, “I Looked
This minimalist theme sets the stage compilation originally meant to be a seemingly true, song “California Girls.” All Over Town,” a piece about straying
with no distractions, where the audi- musical revue, but turned out to be a This song painstakingly depicts the per- from the norm in a world of conformity,
ence can focus on the raw emotion of emotional vent, for Merritt who com- sona of stereotypical California girls, and struggling to survive in that envi-
the music, and the talent of the almost posed all the songs on the album. The with the repeating chorus, “I hate Cali- ronment.
twenty year–old band. band went on to release the appropri- fornia girls.” The band’s live performance can be
The Magnetic Fields is a four-piece ately named i in 2004, i was named so “We’re not sure how this is going to best compared to visiting your psychol-
band from Massachusetts. The band is because every song on the record be received in California”, Merritt said. ogist. Their songs are so emotionally
the brainchild of Stephen Merritt, who, started with only “I”. Their latest re- The crowd laughed in response, grating, that it’s only necessary that a
up until their most recent album Dis- lease, Distortion, strays from their pre- “They’ll probably just say that Claudia’s concertgoer leave the venue in awe, and
tortion, had done most of the vocals on vious albums most drastically in that jealous of them.” in question. Distortion is clearly more
their albums. Merritt also produces and Merritt does not sing the majority of the The song, itself, is the catchiest on upbeat and humorous than their past
writes the majority of their music, ac- songs, and that Gonson sings on the the album, which features songs such as releases, but still holds the emotional
cording to allmusic.com, that describes most potentially commercial-friendly “Too Drunk to Dream,” and “The Nun’s credit that calls for introspective
their sound as “warm” and “Pop-ori- song, “California Girls.” Litany,” which features the lyrics, “I’d thought.
26 Arts & Entertainment Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

Caution: Lust, Caution Contains Lust, Caution!

actors in this film are all top-notch. Joan Chen, who plays Mr. Yee’s wife, of Mrs. Yee is just as heartrending and
By James Laudano Tony Leung, no stranger to romance also delivers a very strong performance. layered as that from anyone else in the
films, is simply remarkable. He com- You can tell that there is little real love film.
pletely nails his complex role. At one left in Mr. and Mrs. Yee’s relationship. However, no discussion of this film
Question: How do espionage and moment we see Mr. Yee the police chief, Mrs. Yee, perhaps as a coping mecha- would be complete without examining
graphic sex set to the backdrop of completely stone-faced and busi- nism, hides this fact behind constant Wei Tang’s Wong Chia Chi. Rarely do
World War II-era Asia sound to you? If nesslike, as he orders the execution of games of Mahjong and days of extrava- you ever see an actress ever called upon
you answered, “Super cool!” or “Fuck- captured insurgents. In the next mo- gant spending with her other rich, love- to deliver as much as Wei Tang was in
ing awesome!” Lust, Caution is a movie this film. Add that to the fact that this
for you. was her first film role ever, and you have
Lust, Caution, which is in Mandarin a performance to remember. She
with English subtitles, is the first film brought a sort of quiet dignity to her
with an NC-17 rating to be widely dis- character, even when she was screwing
tributed in the United States since 1995. Mr. Yee like a horny rabbit.
The film, which is director Ang Lee’s With an NC-17 rating, Lust, Caution
encore to the acclaimed Brokeback has drawn some attention, even if it is
Mountain, is about a group of young ac- slightly diminished due to the fact that
tors in occupied China who decide to the film is in Mandarin. The film fea-
infiltrate the Chinese collaboration gov- tures nearly ten minutes of graphic (and
ernment and assassinate one of their top sometimes acrobatic) sex scenes be-
officials. The protagonist, Wong Chia tween Tony Leung and Wei Tang. There
Chi, played by first-time actress Wei is also a good amount of speculation
Tang, is the girl tasked by the group of about whether or not these sex scenes
would-be assassins to seduce their tar- were simulated or real. Perhaps that
get, Mr. Yee. Mr. Yee, played by Hong should only indicate the excellence of
Kong cinema star Tony Leung, is the the two actors’ performances.
chief of the secret police in Japanese-oc- In the end, Lust, Caution is both a
cupied Shanghai, and is an undeniably thrilling period piece and a heartrend-
cold-hearted bastard. That is, until ing romance. Plus, for good measure,
Wong Chia Chi captures his heart. As ment, we find him wooing Wong Chia less girlfriends. Yet, Chen still manages there’s three graphic sex scenes. So go
Wong Chia Chi and Mr. Yee become Chi so romantically that he seems like a to convince us that Mrs. Yee desperately out and see Lust, Caution. You won’t re-
closer and more intimate, the young as- regular Casanova. However, even when wants to cling to the couple’s younger gret it.
sassin finds it increasingly difficult to he is with Wong Chia Chi, he still dis- days and revitalize their romance. De-
stay focused and work to kill her target. plays the calculated, efficient style that spite the fact that hers is secondary to
The performances delivered by the makes him so skilled at his police job. the two lead roles, Joan Chen’s portrayal

More Like…Lame, Caution

torous citizens. It’s funny that this pe- ends up killing the show and completely theatre group must put their acting
By Dick Delicious riod is used as a backdrop for an ill- stirs up the emotions of the weepy-eyed skills to the test in order to gain the trust
fated porno, but leave it to Lee to keep Chinese audience. Needless to say, of Yee’s lackies and eventually carry out
us all on our toes. Anyway, you’ve got Wong’s performance gave this reviewer their assassination attempt. Wong im-
Lust, Caution serves as a miserable Japanese fascists running amuck, and in sweaty palms and a massive erection. merses herself in deception and be-
foray into the world of erotic cinema. the midst of all the terror, a small group Hey, there’s just something about well- comes Mrs. Mak. She pretends to be
You would think that after directing a of Chinese college students decide to performed theatre that makes me married to one of her actor friends and
hit movie rife with hot cowboy fucking, form a theatre group and perform at horny—but I digress. works towards gaining Yee’s trust by
Ang Lee would’ve been able to do the making nice with his wife in the hopes
porn industry some justice by playing of eventually moving in for the kill. Mrs.
his cards right and releasing an adult Mak must pull off an affair with Yee in
flick truly worthy of a few jerks. If only order to enhance his vulnerability so
Lust, Caution was that kind of a film, that her friends can move in and take
then maybe my efforts in hand-starting him out. There’s just one problem:
the old yogurt cannon wouldn’t have Wong is a virgin. In an effort to trans-
been in vain. Instead, Lee serves up a form her into a better and more con-
plot-based stinker complete with movie vincing lay, Kuang instructs the
dialogue spoken almost entirely in Chi- horniest dude in his group to plow
nese, save for a few scenes, along with Wong/ Mrs. Mak. Here I though that I
featuring on camera time where hairy was going to get treated to an all-out
women are seen being poorly screwed gangbang, but no, all I got was ten com-
in over furnished sets. bined minutes of awkward sex in which
Lust, Caution follows a troupe of five our young actress assumes the role of a
would-be student actors living in World pillow and performs listlessly during
War II China during the Japanese occu- much of the fuck romp fiesta that en-
pancy of the 1940s. This is a time when their university to promote nationalis- Anyway, at some point Kuang re- sues.
the whole nation was swept up in eco- tic pride and Chinese patriotism. Before cruits his fellow student actors and The plot line sluggishly moves for-
nomic turmoil and the Chinese people long, Kuang Yu Min (the leader of the comes up with the genius plan of assas- ward and takes on a dark twist. It turns
were constantly being whisked away by group) enlists the help of the shy Wong sinating a main Japanese collaborator,
Japanese forces working to crush trai- Chia Chi to star in his production. She Mr. Yee. It’s here that the rambunctious LAME LUST on next page
The Stony Brook Press Arts & Entertainment 27

Tim Burton: Step Away From the Camera

one that starred Gene Wilder was a to be them all, and make them do a rock May 2008) but I give most of the credit
By Doug Cion happy musical, but Burton will make it ballad or an improvised rap song. Fi- to Jack Nicholson’s rendition of the
what is supposed to be.” Burton’s film nally, there is the classic tunnel scene. Joker. Damn, I am doing really well with
did have some significance in that it Everyone was so excited to see how Tim the segues today because I would like to
For the longest time I have remained fixed some mistakes the first film made, was going to make it even scarier than start with one major point…Jack
silent about this, but I have held my like making Mr. Buckett an actual char- the original. To this day, Gene Wilder Napier, aka The Joker, does not kill Bruce
tongue long enough. Alex H. Nagler’s acter. However, one of the “darkest” sitting on that boat and reciting that Wayne’s parents! I am sure it was helpful
review of Burton’s last film, Sweeney ideas about the book is that all the chil- poem still freaks me out. Once I saw the for Timmy to create a good narrative for
Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, dren except Charlie actually die in the eight second tunnel scene that Tim pro- the film, but I find it blasphemous to do
in a previous issue of The Stony Brook factory. All those incidences like Veruca duced, I felt like I, as well as many oth- that to one of the most famous comic
Press has inspired me to finally write falling into the garbage chute and Violet ers, were cheated. book characters. On the topic of vil-
this article. For all of you who have read turning into a blueberry causes their From here, we move on to Burton’s lains, Batman Returns’ Penguin was ac-
that article, you basically know where deaths. Stuart’s film never brings the Sleepy Hollow, released in 1999. Yes, you tually an upper-class gentleman who
this one is going and for all who did not children back. With a close analysis of guessed it, Johnny Depp was cast in the was not thrown into the sewer by his
read it, the message here is to stop Tim the film, this is a representation of lead role as Ichabod Crane. The Legend parents. He did not join a circus and
Burton and his path of cinematic de- of the Headless raise his own army of penguins. Nice
struction. Horseman is a classic try, Tim. By the way, your choice of
There is a major difference between piece of American casting Michael Keaton as Bruce
creativity and butchery. Who the hell literature. Every ele- Wayne? Bruce Wayne/Batman is sup-
does Burton think he is to take already mentary school stu- posed to be 6’2 and 210 lbs. Keaton is a
written and/or produced stories and dent is introduced to great actor, but nothing pisses me off
adapt them into the way he sees it? Just the story in the third more than hearing people say ‘He will
a brief summary of Alex’s article: Tim grade at Halloween. always be the face of Batman for me.’
cut out significant songs from the score, They could all tell Wake up people, Christian Bale is now
ditched trademark motifs such as the you that Ichabod is a and will always be the best portrayal.
steam whistle, changed character ap- schoolteacher in the For those who agree with me that
pearances such as age and blasphe- town of Sleepy Hol- Nolan’s Batman Begins is the best Bat-
mously changed the ending! You do not low, not a man movie for now, I hope you appre-
do this when it is not your original doctor/forensics ciate the martial arts aspect of the movie
piece. What if Michael Bay decided to agent from the city. which, by the way, Tim does not find
do a revision of Star Wars but have They could also tell necessary to include.
Darth Vader be Luke’s lesbian neigh- you that the Horse- In conclusion, I respect the man that
bor’s blind cousin’s lover? Okay, that man was a Hessian is Tim Burton…the director. He has es-
may be a little more drastic but I don’t hired by the British tablished himself with a recognizable
care. It’s wrong. as a mercenary to style that when you see his movie, you
Now we get into the stuff I know a help put down the can say “That was a classic Tim Burton
little more about in comparison to rebellion in 1776 movie.” I for one, however, don’t appre-
Sweeney. First, I would love to address where his head is ciate egotism. I also don’t appreciate
another musical that Tim took for his blown off by a can- Tim thinking that he has the power to
own that truly made me cry a little nonball, not chopped change a classic story just because he
when I saw it. In 1971, Mel Stuart death. If you remember, at the end of off by his own sword. Oh, and one more sees it a different way. That does not
adapted Dahl’s Charlie and the Choco- Burton’s film, the children come back all thing…there is no romance story be- give him the right! Also, I am tired of
late Factory into a classic musical. Even deformed and whatnot. That was just a tween Ichabod and a nobleman’s daugh- seeing those little emo kids with their
though it is portrayed as a family film, flex of Burton’s muscles in regards to ter where they eventually live happily tight black jeans, their Starbucks cups
do not be fooled because there are se- digital effects, but it was not necessary ever after; Ichabod meets an unknown in hand, and their winter caps on their
cret, dark messages encased in the film’s to show the results of Mike Teevee after fate which varies amongst storytellers. head in the summer who have become
narrative. Later, in 2005, Burton tried being put in the taffy maker. Burton So we have ourselves another ending Disciples of Burton, waiting on line for
to readapt the story. He once again re- also ruined the Oompa Loompas by changed that can be credited to Mr. Tim the next showing that their mom can
cast Depp, whose aim must have been making their scenes into song and Burton. buy their tickets for them so they can
to win an award for “Best imperson- dance numbers. The Oompa Loompa Finally, we get to my favorite, the talk the entire time, clap (which I hate
ation of Michael Jackson.” The first im- chant is somewhat iconic and recogniz- first two Batman movies. Granted, Tim’s more than anything) and get a tan from
pression was that “Tim Burton is able to everyone but, of course, Tim Batman is the highest-grossing Batman the movie screen because that is the
dark… the original book was dark. The needs to come along and cast one actor movie of the franchise (that is, until most light they will ever be in.

Lame, Caution, continued

LAME LUST from previous page the country. Some time passes, and I won’t spoil the ending for you but incredibly artsy and drawn out. Had I
out that one of Yee’s protégées finds out Wong Chia Chi goes back to school and let’s just say that Wong Chia Chi finally been a man of lesser patience, I
what Kuang and the gang are up to and loses touch with her murderous theatre gets to fuck the bajesus out of Yee, sev- would’ve tuned out long before the final
shows up to expose them. Yee’s main buddies. A few years go by, and Kuang eral, several times. Their sex was palpa- 30 minutes of the feature were up. The
guy gets his shit completely ruined and suddenly forces his way back into ble, but good lord, was it strange! Yee is flick ran for almost three hours, and I
is repeatedly stabbed to death by the Wong’s life. He informs her that Yee has a total animal in the sack! There’s loads simply couldn’t take it after a while. If I
young actors, thus turning Lust, Cau- attained a very powerful position in the of whipping, hitting, and rough sex that could bill Ang Lee for wasted time, I
tion into a below-average snuff film. new Chinese puppet government and borders on full-out rape, which, in my certainly would. Special mention goes
Shame on you, Ang Lee, you’ve got no that she must return to her role as Mrs. opinion, was a truly disgusting and to the fact that this is the only foreign
fucking class! Mak so that Kuang and his rebel friends tasteless spectacle. Yet, I couldn’t look movie I’ve seen without midgets in
With Yee’s protégée dead, the can finish the assassination job that was away. sombreros banging fake-breasted
troupe’s plans are foiled, and Yee flees thwarted a few years prior. Lust, Caution is a foreign film that’s Latina floozies on stacked milk crates.
28 Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

opinion
Inside the Opinion section-
Zombie Goasts! Warning: May Contain Peanut Allergens Starbucks V. Dunkin Donuts

We’re Screwed! SB’s Potential Zombie Outbreak

Page? This One, Dude! Page 11 Page 14

With the num- computer. The congestion on our cam- such a problem. University Police are al- the oncoming wave of death. According
ber of zombie out- pus is dangerous for a multitude of rea- ready understaffed and are not given to the Zombie Survival Guide men-
breaks on the rise sons and during a zombie epidemic this the means they require to enforce the tioned above, one of the first steps to
worldwide, it is means two things; first that the infec- law on campus on a day-to-day basis. fortifying a defense is to move to a
disconcerting to tion will spread at an alarming rate, When a throng of stinking, rotting dead higher floor and destroy the staircases.
know that our es- what with the infected reanimating stu- approach the police station on Mar- Zombies can break through barricades,
teemed university dents and staff that are crammed into burger Dr., bewildered police will have but they cannot climb. Most buildings
DAN is completely inca- small places. Campus dining halls and no choice but to isolate themselves have several staircases and in some
DEPUY pable of protecting SINC sites will be primary targets, as within the police station and make a quads there are stairs leading from the
itself from an in- the instinct-driven zombies will follow stand until their ammo runs out. The ground floor all the way to the top floor;
evitable attack. The following are sev- the sounds and smell of their prey in the handful of police outside of the precinct destroying the first staircase in time
eral reasons why SBU is vulnerable to areas in which they are most concen- will be cut off from communicating both exposes the students trying to do
attack and what we can do about it. so and will prove more time-con-
Reason #1: Proximity to the Univer- suming than a hungry crowd of
sity Hospital. One might think that a flesh-eating monsters will allow. Un-
hospital would be an excellent place to fortunately, even if the stairs are de-
ride out an undead infestation. Stony stroyed, this traps the survivors
Brook’s university hospital is a tall inside the building where their meal
building, easy to fortify and full of beds, plans are useless and there’s only
food and of course, medical equipment. enough leftover Domino’s in any
This is precisely the problem. As given building to survive three days,
pointed out in Max Brooks’ Zombie Sur- tops. Additionally, SBU’s student
vival Guide, hospitals are horribly dan- body is made up of a diverse group
gerous places to be during an outbreak. that in many cases would clash when
The first thing an infected person is in a crisis situation. In theory, lan-
going to do, in theory, is seek medical guage barriers and radically different
help. When people begin feeling ill at personalities can be major liabilities
the onset of the infection, many of them in organizing a chain of command or
will immediately go to the hospital. It is formulating a plan of action during a
unfortunate that most physicians—in time of crisis. Finally, with the poor
spite of their credentials—are not cleaning and hygiene habits of many
trained to see the signs of Solanum, ra- students, disease is always a risk.
diation from fallen satellites or the T- Most male students can’t flush the
Virus. Unrecognized symptoms will toilet after they piss, not to mention
lead to patients passing away and rean- properly dress a wound or properly
Jesse Schoepfer
Weʼre not ready.
imating in their hospital beds. The uni- dispose of a body.
versity’s hospital will quickly become a There is little that can be done on
hotbed of ghoul activity. The entire staff the fly to prepare against this kind of
will be reanimated within hours, posing eventuality. It is infinitely important
a huge threat to the campus proper. A trated. Second, there is nowhere to run. with their dispatch and consequently that university staff begins organizing a
visual example of this phenomenon can When the legions of undead approach thrown to the wolves. Their firearms plan of action and prepares for an attack
be seen in Robert Rodriguez’s docu- across Nicholls Rd. and, to a lesser de- will be ineffective at best when the preemptively. Backup generators have
mentary film Planet Terror. gree, through Stony Brook Rd., students numbers of the undead begin increas- to be tested and all residence halls
The infected humans will have sev- will be caught in the quasi-urban sprawl ing into the thousands. should have a stockpile of food and
eral venues by which to approach cam- of our “modern” campus. The only av- Reason #4: Unprepared students. medical supplies. University police
pus, the most dangerous being the enue of safety will be to stay indoors SBU has a number of resident students, should be provided with adequate
tunnel that runs under Nicholls Rd. and block all the entrances until rescue upwards of 20,000. All of these people weapons and bite-resistant body armor.
Newly turned Ghouls, smelling the arrives. As illustrated in several docu- are piled on top of one another in their Most importantly, medical staff must be
thousands of young people across the mentary films, including George A. dormitories, living on meal plans and trained on how to diagnose and treat
way, will no doubt pass both under and Romero’s Day Of The Dead, the only Domino’s pizza. A few hours into the signs of the various causes associated
across Nicholls Rd. in order to feed. way to safely escape an infestation is by episode, there will likely no longer be a with reanimation. It is highly recom-
Those crossing the road will undoubt- air. The only heliports on campus, how- Domino’s Pizzeria, least of all a delivery mended that all persons read the civil-
edly attack motorists, causing hundreds ever, are located on the hospital – a man brave enough to enter Zombie ian survival manual and that we all
more to potentially reanimate before place that will become a no-man’s land Brook University. While fortifying the learn to recognize the signs of an out-
the hordes even break the three adjacent within the first hour of the outbreak. dormitories is theoretically possible, the break before it gets out of hand. This
campus entrances. Reason #3: Underprepared police. buildings are ill-equipped to hold off a way, we can quickly escape to safety be-
Reason #2: Urbanization and Over- While it is wonderful to have a police siege. In the event of an outbreak, it is fore the hordes breach the entrances.
population. It’s hard enough to find a department on campus, it is no question unlikely that students and staff will have
parking space or get onto a SINC site that they will not be prepared to face time to equip their dormitories against
The Stony Brook Press Opinion 29
You know, maybe all we really need is to get Michael Jackson to dance with some people in
full “Thirl er” makeup, and at the end of the video, he’ll turn back into Michael Jackson!

Planters’ Nuts: Insane Corporate Machine?

Alex H. Nagler, on the 25th anniversary of Thriller

Mascots say a stacle thrown in their way. The peanut cane. “Oh that’s great news, Planters is one likes to sully their hands with the
lot about a com- shell? A shield. A reputable journalist I going to die soon!” is what you said just blood of their victims—thus gloves
pany or sports know once told me, “Planters won’t ever now. Wrong. Look at his smile. How were invented. Who does Planters need
team. No one is let any of us in to investigate those alle- many old people do you know smile? to murder? Uh, everyone in their path.
going to root for gations from 1996 about the three mur- That’s right, none. Old people are con- Duh.
you if you’re the ders.” That seems awfully fishy to me. stantly com- His shoes look awfully classy
California Dick No, it’s not nutty, you stupid douche. for a cold-blooded killing machine.
CAN Riders and your The shell is their shield which would be And that’s exactly the point! Ask any
DASHMAR mascot isn’t even modern-day lawyers and modern-day person with a throbbing vagina, the first
riding a dick. Thus security systems. thing they notice about someone is their
I must bring attention to the Planters What does his monocle mean? shoes. It’s merely an attempt to distract
Nuts guy: Mr. Peanut. What type of It’s a monocle. you from what’s above like dan-
message are they trying to send him? His hat clearly states “Mr. gling a carrot in front of a horse
First, we must break him down piece- Peanut” on it. What kind of self- and having it run off a cliff. It
by-piece, nut-by-nut. absorbed person puts their own wants that carrot so bad that it
First of all, look at his left eye. A re- name on their clothing? Mr. kills itself. So while he dances
liable source tells me this was actually Peanut and sports players. the dance and smiles the
based off the ol’ Eye of Horus. Now Planters is trying to suggest that, smile, you’re so distracted
what in tarnation does that mean, you “We’re the best. We know it and you you end up dead like Noam
must be asking yourself? It symbolizes should know it.” The next logical step is Chomsky.
protection and royal power from the for them to start brainwashing children Let me reiterate what you
gods. Mr. Peanut might try to throw you from youth like religious organiza- just found out: Planters’ Nuts
off with his crude realization of it but tions. You’ll notice two bars of white has royal power from the
don’t be deceived–it is most definitely on his hat. Notice them. What do gods, means of killing
the Eye of Horus and they are most def- two bars of white make? The num- you, the can dodge any
initely seeking royal power from the ber 11. “Oh it’s just the number 11, obstacle, lawyers
gods. no big deal. By the way, I’m a com- make them un-
Let us now examine his nose. It plete fucking moron.” The number touchable, mono-
comes to a point. What else comes to a 11 no big deal? Here’s why it is: the cles rule, they’re
point? Swords. The message is clear eleventh moon of Jupiter is Himalia. cocky, they have
here: Those who oppose us will be Himalia was a nymph Zeus used for anal sex with
slaughtered. sexual pleasure. Therefore, Mr. Peanut your loved ones,
You’ll notice his arms and legs are is boldly exclaiming that his company they’re immor-
black and his body is in fact, a peanut. will have affairs with your loved ones plaining, tal, they kill any-
You’re completely wrong on both parts and you cannot do anything about it be- being slow and one that opposes
and I will hold it against you. His arms cause of their royal power as seen by the dying. There’s no happi- them and they
and legs are not black. He is in fact, Eye Of Horus. ness there. What they’re try- have nice shoes.
wearing a leotard. What does this Who uses a cane anyway, right? Old ing to say here is that, “Yes You’ve been warned.
mean? First of all, if you don’t know people? Yes, old people. Ever hear the we’re old, but unlike any of you The first protest is
what a leotard is, you’re a fucking riddle of the Sphinx? I’m not going to humans, we will live forever.” February 28, 2008.
moron. Secondly, it means that like explain it but people towards the end of He wears gloves just like any Be there.
gymnasts, they can hurdle over any ob- their life are on three legs, one being a other cold-blooded assassin. No
30 Opinion Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

Make your opinion heard! Write for The Stony Brook Press. Meetings Wednesdays 1pm
Union Building Room 060

Debunking Nader Myths: How Democrats

Learned to Stop Using Scapegoats to Mask Flaws
Ralph Nader voted for Bush. Additionally, butterfly for Gore accidentally voted for for voters, “it’s the economy, stupid!”
has been labeled ballots that were used in Florida re- Buchanan. ose who realized their Instead of harnessing incumbent status
many things: ac- sulted in a disproportionately large vote folly quickly corrected themselves by to point to a long record of political suc-
tivist, consumer for Pat Buchanan. e unusual way that choosing the correct slot. Unfortu- cesses, Gore feared the Lewinsky sex
advocate, and un- the ballots were set resulted in confu- nately, those who corrected themselves scandal and jumped ship to find that he
relenting, to name sion for some voters. Although Gore created what is called an overvote and was drowning. Despite having been a
a few. But in the was listed second, the slot harnessed to their ballots were discarded. e Palm public servant in his resident state of
Nick Eaton wake of his an- Beach Post Tennessee from 1977-1993, holding of-
nouncement of analyzed the fice as a representative in two different
candidacy in the discarded districts as well as having been Senator,
2008 presidential election, a far less ballots and Al Gore lost Tennessee to Bush. Was
pleasant nametag has risen from the found that Nader at fault there as well? If the Vice
dead to affix itself to Public Citizen 5,330 of President of an economically strong
Nader: spoiler. them were United States could not beat George W.
Embittered Democrats love to point G o r e / Bush by a significant margin, is that the
at the 2000 election as Nader’s “unfor- Buchanan fault of a third party candidate exercis-
givable wrong.” Citing the fact that ballots. If ing his right to run for president?
Nader “pulled” more than enough votes even just A total of eight third-party candi-
to call for a definitive Al Gore victory, over 10% of dates ran in Florida, many of which
Democrats state that Nader effectively those voters took votes from Bush. If, as the domi-
campaigned for Bush. What Nader had appro- nating parties would have it, all third-
haters fail to acknowledge are Gore’s priately party candidates were abolished, the
own failures. voted for scales would still very likely be tipped
Let’s throw away the idea that Gore he in Bush’s favor. e fact remains that
George W. Bush stole the 2000 election would have Nader may have been the straw that
(plausible and probable as it may be). won the broke Al Gore’s back, but Nader’s im-
Assuming that George W. Bush beat Al election. pact upon the election could readily
Gore fairly and squarely by 543 votes, is Apart have been avoided if Gore had worked
it fair to say that Nader, who garnered from state- on some severe issues in his campaign.
roughly 97,500 votes in Florida, helped vote for him was the third slot. Giant specific failures, Gore distanced himself Fighting the Florida verdict a little
to defeat the Democratic candidate? arrow pointing to the correct slot aside, from Bill Clinton, whose policies cre- harder may have helped uncover the
Roughly 250,000 Florida Democrats some Floridians who intended to vote ated a bustling economy and aer all, Diebold scandal as well.

…And What If I Speak Fratalian?

Last Tuesday, tentially hurt their business. This opin- You can’t go anywhere without some shop because they tried to make their
February 26, Star- ion was only heightened when the other kind of Starbucks product close by. So drinks that much better. Starbucks
bucks coffee shops commercial coffee giant, Dunkin when I heard this lady on TV say that doesn’t just offer great tasting commer-
across the country Donuts, decided to take advantage of she was going to switch to Dunkin cialized coffee. It offers ambience, edu-
closed their doors the Starbucks blackout by charging cus- Donuts because Starbucks was closed cation on how to brew your own coffee,
at 5:30 p.m. for tomers only 99 cents for any small latte for three hours, I wondered what kind and music so that even your home can
what they called or coffee. One woman said that perhaps of idiot consumer would switch coffee feel like a Starbucks.
KELLY
“in store educa- because of the three hour shut down, shops because she desperately needed a If certain customers can’t appreciate
YU
tion” for their she would switch her loyalties to Starbucks fix at 8 pm. Even the televi- the kind of dedication and care that this
baristas. They Dunkin Donuts. On top of the three sion news stations tried to spin Star- corporation is trying to put into their
planned to close for three hours and hour shutdown, she also noted that her bucks’ training as a publicity stunt in product, then perhaps Starbucks would
those stores who had late night hours last caramel macchiato tasted terrible. order to increase their clientele and re- be better off without such ignorant cof-
reopened at 9:00 p. m. In those three I want to know what kind of drug vive their slumping profits. The un- fee drinkers. Now, with the opening of
hours, Starbucks baristas were learning this lady took that deprived her of logi- named station then compared the net a Starbucks on campus, I feel like a pag-
how to make the perfect espresso and cal judgment. When I first heard that profits of Starbucks to Dunkin Donuts eant girl on tanning day. If there are any
uphold their new mantra, “Your drink Starbucks was closing its doors across and McDonald’s. McDonald’s? You three vices a college student should
should be perfect every time. If not, let the nation in the middle of the day, I mean that fast food chain that recently have, it’s sleep, sex, and coffee, and, for-
us know and we’ll make it right.” It’s thought they were crazy to lose that revamped their original coffee is now in tunately for me, I may never have to
completely admirable. The idea that a much revenue. When I read the press- competition with Starbucks and sleep again. So to all you people who
huge chain actually cares about the room release of the situation, I thought Dunkin Doughnuts? Are you serious? decided to switch to Dunkin Donuts
quality of the product they are selling it was very noble of the corporation to The fact that Mac Donald’s stock has in- because of this minor shutdown, you
seems almost too good to be true, espe- want to improve the quality of their creased more steadily than Starbucks deserve your terribly Americanized
cially from a big name like Starbucks. espresso. Starbucks has long time been could be due to their more diverse espresso with your four Splendas and
While the huge commercial coffee seen as an evil commercialization of the menu and the fact that MCDONALD’S two glazed doughnuts. I’ll enjoy my
shop tried to heighten the consumer ex- art of coffee making. However, after DOESN’T SPECIALIZE IN COFFEE. free WiFi and Damien Rice with my
perience, some of Starbuck’s “loyal” cos- years of expansion of stores as well as It made me ridiculously sad to think raspberry scone. By the way, lady, Star-
tumers voiced on TV how the menu, it has become one of the most that some Starbucks drinkers would au- buck’s caramel macchiato is the shit, no
three-hour shutdown down could po- widely known brands in the country. tomatically switch to a different coffee matter who makes it.
The Stony Brook Press Opinion 31

Reminder: Scientology Raid, 3/15

You are enter- going on way better than I can. what I was saying, bullox. So “GET ME gituar heros, it be the bestest games
ing my dark place But yea, British parody about some REED!” “I CAN CALL YOU SKIPPER”, evers. If any ppl are copyediting this,
with Steve Jobs. I 80’s Steven King rip-off. Like bad, really look at Michael Jackson, check that please don’t fix the previous sentence,
want another bad, like Scientology. And Squirrel king, dude out, crazy man, crazy. What is and don’t cut this out, yea, that mean
Coney Combo. that’s bad, almost as bad as this article today? Oh wait its Friday. Someone can- this sentence too.
Those things are I’m writing right now. Stream of celed on my, that messes up my pay- Gave someone a hair cut, it went ok,
like a hot dog, in a thought, stream of shit, same difference. check getting thing, OH yea, monies. I guess. I want food, like egg drop soup,
Anonymous knish, that’s like This is a DEFCON 24 situation. Yes, yes If your reading this James, “I LOVE or better yet, wonton soup. Justin kick-
/lit two tasty things it is. So I wanted to write a fan fiction, YOU SKIPPER, both of you” I wish I ing the dam desk, girr -_- Sliced pep-
inside each other. but they told me I can’t write the story was watching that show. Lab results can peroni, OMG’z I spelt that right, w00t J.
Oh wait yea, tasty. Darkplace, such a that I want to be writing it because it is tell you who’s mutant son will kill you. I So if I had to end this, how would I? OH
bad show. Oh dear god, so bad. So year, a cool idea. want wontons, like good ones, from like I know, being that this is a /b rant, I
Tom Cruise wants you money, he does. I-phones are cool, I want one, a good Chinese take out place. could ask if anyone has seen that guy
Like Scientology is bad, really bad. Like ok wait, nevermind, scratch that. I look OH, I know what I want, Egg drop from Freakazoid, candle jack, that’s the
they killed people. No joke. Check out at it this way, this story is really about tofu soup, that stuff rocks, almost as guy I’m talki—
xenu.net, they’ll tell you what’s really me, wait what? Umm I just lost track of much as guitar hero. It really does. I gots

In Praise of Brett Favre

On a cold win- other player showed their passion for Raiders. What made this performance backyards and at school recesses.
ter Tuesday, March the game of football more than Brett special was that it came just one day He personified the gunslinger quar-
4, Brett Lorenzo Favre. He had a style all to his own. after his father’s death. After the game, terback mentality in the risks he took
Favre retired. This Many will remember him for his Favre said, “I knew that my dad would when playing. When other QBs would
was a sad day not amazing resilience, both on and off the have wanted me to play. I love him so slide to avoid taking a hit when scram-
only for Green Bay field. You have to realize that this man much, and I love this game. It’s meant a bling, Favre would dive headfirst into
Packer fans and did not miss one single game since his great deal to me, to my dad, to my fam- oncoming tacklers and taunt them im-
Matt Braunstein fans of the NFL, first appearance in a 1992 game against ily, and I didn’t expect this kind of per- mediately after. He was respected
but for sports fans the Cincinnati Bengals despite hand, formance. But I know he was watching around the league for having one of the
in. Favre quarter- shoulder, leg, ankle and head injuries tonight.” strongest arms seen in football. He
backed the Green over the course of his career. His love of football is what defined would thrill fans with bullet-quick short
Bay Packers football team for 17 He also has withstood many hard- Brett Favre as a player. While other QBs passes and 75 yard heaves down the
thrilling seasons, setting records and ships off the field, a characteristic that made the task look grueling and mo- field. His bullet pass was equivalent to a
milestones all along the way. fans identified with. He battled an ad- notonous, Favre always displayed his 96mph baseball throw, a fact that his re-
For the past three or four seasons, diction to alcohol and painkillers, dealt child-like exuberance and love of the ceivers knew all too well. At least three
Favre, who turned 38 this past year, has different receivers have broken their
flirted with the idea of retirement in the fingers catching a pass from Brett Favre.
offseason. Many believed that he would Few players in the history of the Na-
return this year, following a season in tional Football League have played for
which the Packers had a 13-3 record 17 seasons, much less with the same
and went to the NFC title game. Favre team. Favre remained loyal to his Pack-
himself posted his best season comple- ers for 16 long years, through the highs
tion percentage. His reason for retire- and the lows. He is now practically wor-
ment was that he felt “mentally tired.” In shipped as a god by the football crazed
an emotional press conference on citizens of Green Bay. They are not
Wednesday he said, “I could probably alone in their admiration for this man.
come back and do it—suck it up—but He is liked and respected by teams and
what kind of a toll would that take on players around the league, and has a
me, my family or my teammates? At reputation for being warm to the fans
some point, it would affect one of those, and media alike.
if not all of them. Maybe it has already.” He is certainly one of the greatest, if
He won a Super Bowl, was named not the greatest, quarterbacks of all
league MVP a record three times and time, and is an all but certain first ballot
set career records in passing yards with shoe-in hall of famer. Throughout his il-
61,655, touchdowns with 442, wins as lustrious career he remained an inspi-
quarterback with 160 and interceptions ration to fans young and old, and was
with 288. He holds the record for most always a willing ambassador for the
consecutive starts at his position with NFL and the sport of football. Brett
253 (275 including playoffs), perhaps with his wife’s diagnosis of breast can- game. It was not uncommon to see him Favre is one of a select few athletes that
the most impressive of all his records. cer, and even lost his Mississippi home sprint down the field, raise his arms has reached beyond the boundaries of
However, it was not only numbers and to Hurricane Katrina, all the while con- after every touchdown, hoist his re- their sport to become a national icon.
stats that Favre was admired and re- tinuing to play and excite his fans week ceivers on his back after a big score or As one fan put it, “You never knew if he
spected for. Rather, it was the way in after week. leap into the end zone stands at Lam- was going to have five touchdown
which he played the game. Ask any In December 2003 on Monday beau Field, the Packer’s home stadium. passes or five interceptions. He played
football fan what words come to mind Night Football, Brett Favre played what Later in his career, many remarked that with a love for the game that was just
when they think of Brett Favre and some say is the best game of his career, despite his age, he never lost the youth- fun to watch.” May his retirement be
you’ll hear things like grit, toughness, posting 399 yards and four touchdowns ful style with which he played the game, long and sweet.
loyalty, exuberance and passion. No in a 41-7 victory over the Oakland the same way that fans play in their
32 Sports!!! Whammie!!! Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

British Columbians Traffic the Win

Duch, scoring his second of three goals to cause a breakaway. Rogener’s pick up the Siena game and was awarded the
By Najib Aminy with 13 minutes remaining in the third resulted in Siena tying the game with a America East Rookie of the week, the
quarter, answered the call. goal by Siena’s sophomore Shaun Dunn
Much of the same exciting back- (Amityville, NY).
With nearly six minutes remaining and-forth play was seen through the With a minute and a half of regula-
in the fourth quarter, the Stony Brook end of the third quarter and overlapped tion left, Siena scored, trailing only by
Men’s Lacrosse team found themselves its way into the fourth. With six lead one. It was Tripodi’s goal that finished
in a heated game with the Saints of changes throughout the game, both off the other team.
Siena. Goals scored by seniors Rhys teams had an opportunity of winning The Men’s Lacrosse team is now 1-2
Duch (Victoria, BC) and Bo Tripodi the game in the fourth. and will face the #8 ranked team
(Hauppauge, NY) helped secure the With ten minutes of regulation left, Delaware who are 5-0. Freshman Kevin
first win of the season for the Sea
Wolves in their home opener.
Stony Brook had lost its two open-
ing games to #2 ranked Virginia and
#13 ranked Harvard in two very close
Najib Aminy
games, losing to Virginia 15-13 and
Harvard 9-6. Siena, coming off mo- Go back to Albany and eat shit.
mentum of winning three consecutive
games, scored the first goal of the game. second time in three weeks. Other no-
However, Stony Brook responded with tables were freshman Jordan McBride
five goals all by five different Seawolves (New Westminster, BC) who scored
players. At the end of the first half, the three goals and two assists, as well as
game was tied 8-8. senior Bobby Trenkle (Commack, N.Y.)
The beginning of the second half who scored a goal and assist. The Stony
was marked with a slashing penalty by Brook Men’s Lacrosse team, one of the
Najib Aminy
As one can clearly see, that number 30 is a bitch. Sweet socks.
sophomore Steven Waldeck (Levittown, most prominent and competitive sports
NY) that caused Stony Brook to be a teams on campus has its next home
man down. As a result, Siena sopho- game on Tuesday, March 18. At the con-
more Tim Rau (Lindenhurst, NY) Siena freshman John Rogener (Dix Crowley (New Westminster, BC), clusion of the game, it was a happy end-
scored, breaking the tie. Soon enough, Hills, NY) picked up a loose ground ball scored three goals and three assists in ing for everyone.

Basketball? More Like Our Team Sucksketball

starters had at the beginning of the winning grow slim. Though many of
By Najib Aminy game was long gone. The men’s basket- teammates contributed with points, re-
ball team was playing a game of catch bounds, steals and blocks, it was not
up, as they gained the lead once during enough to stop the Terriers senior
After forty minutes of regulation, the second half with 12:30 left in the Cherri Rafo (Morristown, NJ) from
both the Stony Brook Men and second half. Senior Emanuel Neto con- scoring 25 points. Notable SeaWolves
Women’s basketball teams chalked up tributed to the SeaWolves effort with were seniors Dana Ferraro (Middlesex,
an “L” onto their already disappointing NJ) with a team high of 13 points and 5
seasons. The men’s senior night turned rebounds and Aly Young (Lodi, CA)
from sweet to sour as Binghamton ral- scoring 11 points and 7 rebounds. The
lied from a seven point deficit early in Lady ‘Wolves trailed as much as 18 with
the first half and managed to keep the 9:46 remaining in the second half. They
lead for the majority of the game only managed to cut that deficit to 4 points
Najib Aminy
losing the lead once in the second half. with 2:23 going on a 9-0 run. However,
Seniors Ricky Lucas (Herndon, VA) and with turnovers and poor defense, the Yeah I would cheer for a 7-23 team too.
Mitchell Beauford (Queens, NY) scored SeaWolves lost adding another disap-
ten points apiece contributing nearly pointing tally to the loss column. off their season winning against Maine
half of the team’s points. However it was The men’s basketball team finished in the opening round of the America
Binghamton’s seniors Mike Gordon East tournament, only to lose to the
Najib Aminy
Water!
(Plainfield, NJ) and Richard Forbes (Far University of Maryland, Baltimore
Rockaway, NY) who scored fifteen and County. The men’s record stands at 7-
sixteen points respectively against the 23. It is noteworthy to mention, senior
SeaWolves. nine points and nine rebounds. Regard- Ricky Lucas is one of five students se-
What looked like a promising win in less of effort, the Men’s basketball team lected to represent the America East
the beginning of the game took a turn lost 49-44. All-Academic Team.
defeat. Eleven minutes into the first Following the men’s defeat, the Lady The Women’s basketball team fin-
half, Stony Brook gained an eight point SeaWolves treaded the same path, as ished their season winning their Senior
lead, 15-7, outplaying Binghamton. As they too lost to the Terriers of Boston night against Vermont, 77-37. Their
members of the bench replaced starters, University, 70-58. What appeared to be record is 7-22, and will face Maine in
the Binghamton Bearcats erased the a competitive game, with the lead often their opening round of the America
Najib Aminy
What could they possibly be talking about?
deficit and soon were leading the game. changing sides, resulted in the Lady East tournament on March 13 in West
By that time, the momentum the SeaWolves’ watching their chance of Hartford, Connecticut.
The Stony Brook Press Sports!!! Whammie! 33

BOOM! Brett Farve Announces His

Retirement: A National Tragedy
When it came to playing games, have to fill some gigantic footsteps, for from getting up, I felt it was my obliga-
By John Madden that is what Brett Favre did—he played. which I recommend tough acting Tin- tion to do my jumping jack for Brett
He went to the stadium, suited up, actin—Boom! Favre. I did not want to let him down. I
walked on the field and played the No other human being can be Brett later found out that the foundations to
e NFL’s greatest athlete has le game. And a lot of the NFL players Favre because Brett Favre was always my house cracked, but it was worth it.
the game, leaving me in a state of de- today forget to play the game. But Favre Brett Favre, and the only way he was All for Brett Favre.
pression that no sweets can take me out was something else. He would warm up Brett Favre was by being Brett Favre— Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre,
of. Brett Favre has retired and I have de- with butterflies in his stomach— some- which meant being a regular person like Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre,
voured 24 pints of ice cream—in one thing I always envied, I could never everyone else, which only made Brett Brett Favre. He is my mantra; whenever
sitting. Cookies and Cream—now that’s catch those damn things. He still won’t Favre that much more like Brett Favre. I am in a tough spot, whether it is get-
a flavor of ice cream that provides cook- tell me how they taste. But that’s the Regardless of what anyone dare says, no ting into my pajamas at night or wait-
ies with some cream and gives a tingling thing, Favre was human. He breathed, other player could compare themselves ing on line at Kentucky Fried Chicken,
sensation all through out your body. walked and talked like everyone else. to Brett Favre, not even that chicken or whenever I have to shed my two
Sort of like Brett Favre, who gave me is resulted in all of America falling in drumstick Eli Manning or french fry cents on a play. Brett Favre, Brett Favre,
sensations whenever he moved. He love with Favre—because of how they Tom Brady. Brett Favre—oh I am doing it again.
made me feel young. Like I was playing could relate. Brett Favre was a football player. He My grief from Favre’s retirement
the game again, but instead of playing I If Brett Favre could be compared to threw the football when he needed to, will be everlasting. I feel football will
was watching. a dish, I would say it would be a tur- ran the ball when he wanted to, and did never be the same. Brett Favre was foot-
But really folks—we talk Unitas, ducken. Yes Brett Favre would be com- whatever he had to in order to win. He ball. He is an American that truly out-
Elway, Montana, Manning, Brady. I say, pared to my breakfast, snack, lunch, was a football player that played foot- lined what football is. A game that
stick a steak in your mouth and eat it— brunch, other snack, dinner, supper, ball. Wearing the number 4, Brett Favre Americans play—and have fun. at is
personally, medium rare. All these and midnight snack meal of a chicken inspired hundreds of thousands of peo- who Brett Farve was and I feel I will
players were just players. However inside of a duck inside of a turkey. Just ple. He inspired people by playing the miss his presence on and off the field.
Favre was so much more. I believe that as turducken is enriched with potas- game and being a football player. And Brett Favre is simply just the greatest
Brett Favre is the greatest quarterback sium, fiber, and protein, Favre is a mul- not a lot of people can be both a foot- human being ever.
ever to play the game because I believe tivitamin course meal that the Green ball player and inspire people at the Perfection, sincerity, athlete, hand-
he fulfilled my beliefs of what a great Bay Packers indulge in which allows same time, unless you are Brett Favre. some, courageous, leader, really good
quarterback should be—and I believe them to become stronger and better. Why, just by watching Favre play, I am looking, loyal, reliable, attractive, and a
Brett Favre is just Brett Favre, and he is It is said that football is a team inspired to do things that I never have football player—just a few things that
just one heck of a guy that loves to play sport. But honestly, Green Bay has no the time to do, such as exercise. So pop up in my head when I think
the game. at is what made Brett Favre shot of ever winning any more games. I when ever Favre would score a touch- “Favre”—as well as other parts of my
Brett Favre, he was simply just Brett feel sorry for Aaron Rodgers, who will down I would jump up and do a jump- body that pop up—but I will leave it at
Favre and that is why he was just so attempt to replace Favre. Rodgers would ing jack. Although I was very exhausted that—Boom! Brett Favre.
great.
As the quarterback of the Green
Bay Packers for 17 nostalgic years, Favre
did more than just throw the ball—he
threw it with the love for the game.
Favre would oen throw the ball with
his hopes of the ball being caught by his
own receivers. When Favre’s receivers
would catch the ball, it would be called
a completion—being that the pass was
completed. Many of Favre’s completions
led to touchdowns. Touchdowns are
points, and the team with the most
points more oen than not will wind up
winning the game. When Brett Favre
threw a lot of touchdowns—especially
if he threw more than the other team—
he would help his team win. Brett Favre
was a winner.
If Brett Favre was not throwing the
ball he was running with it. e quar-
terback has two options: option A, pass
the ball, or option B, run the ball. If
Brett Favre did not like option A than
he would chose option B. However, for
Favre, he would choose both options
and surprise all of us. I can’t tell you
how many pants I have made wet be-
cause of Favre’s unique antics. What
looked like a run, Favre would simply
run and then throw the ball—clearly
something that has never been done be-
fore in professional football.
34 Comics! Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

ESKIMO JIM BY DAVID K. GINN

The Stony Brook Press Comics! 35

The inception of my oral fixation

by Madgestic
Lusting for u
Like hunger is all I really do
I’ve masticated on everything possible
Finding the flavor of you elsewhere is just simply im-
possible
The state that I am in, my tongue, I almost hate it
It is as if what I have felt in my mouth, the texture of
you
In my head has cleverly been fabricated
Meals, candy, drinks, and all other types of crappy food
The taste of anything else does not satisfy me or
From me, true warmth it does not exude
Your soft flesh, I wish a piece of it I could steal
Like soft edible sweet sand, in my mouth, in my hands I
would feel
So I am left with flesh hanging off of me
Till I am satisfied with something in my mouth,
Anything that would remind me of tactile moments of
you and me
Death Egg Zone